make sure you don't have bugs in y our inner ear
there's gotta be something. something i'm missing. what the hells. i feel ensnared. i feel trapped on all sides. i'm burning with a sort of fierce bitterness that i don't want. whatever i need, it's not a temporary fix. i can't play with my mind. i need to do something. wasting the dawn... this can't be a mood thing. it keeps coming back too much. i feel like everything i'm doing is an effort to forestall this madness. and no matter what i do, it keeps coming back. perhaps there's a way to trick myself or to keep it down. i don't know. i'm not sure i want to know. but i don't know what to do. i feel frantic. i feel like i'm about to explode out of my skin. what am i supposed to do? the other night the thought came to me that i'm just a kid. i don't know what to do. i'm one of those peculiar little creatures who got lost along the way. no one can guide me because no one wants to understand me. i mean, no one who i might have turned to. like my parents. i don't have a trusted elder, that's for sure. i'm not sure i have a trusted anybody. i mean, i trust people, but i don't trust them to tell me any advice that would actually work. i just want someone to say something that will suddenly make sense and i can go on with a secure feeling. but nothing makes sense. i keep having to make it up out of my head. i want to help people, but no one wants my help. they won't LET me help. i want to be free. i don't feel free. maybe it's just been too long. maybe i've been in one place too long. this is ridiculous. i don't have any money. i don't know anyone to borrow money from. i'm in debt. getting a job is just a big process of being fucked around with for weeks and months and no straightforward intelligent talk. no one CARES. the people around here... i feel shut off from them. the people who would hire me see me as a number or anything i'm not. no one cares about ME. why should they? i guess i'll just sit here and hear about texas radio and the big beat. since he's telling me. it's no coincidence that i latched onto the concept of wasting the dawn. i feel like i'm not doing anything. i'm more boring than that boring book i'm reading. i'm not doing myself well. ok, i'm doing myself very well, but i'm not doing justice to my whole life. i feel like i'm trembling around inside myself. this isn't just a mental/emotional thing. it's translating to physical. something is WRONG. i don't know what to do. there's so much screaming around in my head. i don't know how to make sense of any of it. maybe i can make better sense of things because no one ever taught me how to make sense of things. i mean, if i do it my own way i won't be fettered by other ideas. but... shit. no one around me knows how to do anything either. never have. no one ... i mean... i feel like there are the people who light my mind and soul on fire... but i haven't met them. they're all dead or somewhere else. where in the world would i go to find... anything? there's nothing here. there are soft people with soft ways going about in a primitive happy mindset being rural. it's not what i want. i need you flying... is there anyone here who wants to explode with me? no one wants to explode with me. everyone's so tamped down. it's like little 2 dimensional people slithering past me quietly. they smile if i smile. anyone can do that. i want someone horribly exceptional and on fire. maybe i'm like david; needing cleverness in the people around me to spur me on. but i need fire too. i feel TRAPPED. so fucking trapped. i have to do something. but what? i have nothing. i don't need anything, do i? i need even less than i have. i could go away now. i could walk and hitchhike. what good would that do? i'd walk through the world with my bitter soul talking to no one and looking at no one. nothing left to do but run run run... i have this idea in my head that no one wants me. that they all look at me and think 'girl'. and even the beautiful ones... they don't want me. do i need to be wanted? maybe it's a personality glitch, but i desire love and attention. i want people to see me. but i don't know what to do. i'm worried they're all locked in their religious minds. i have no desire to take them out of it anymore. they like their bondage. i learned that. there's nothing to do. the world is full of chains and it's full of people who want chains. they like the pain and drudgery. if they didn't have it they would go mad. like i go with it. there's nothing to do. i'm a ball of fierce fire screaming around uselessly and destructively and soon i'll burn out and go away. maybe my life will be easier once i've burned out. i feel so immeasureably sad and lost. last night i thought about dying. it was very passive though. i thought merely that it might be easier. because there's nothing to do anyway. i feel absolutely alien. everything is true and it all contradicts itself. there is no better future. there isn't anything. but i don't really feel like i'm giving up, oddly enough. only realizing that no one wants me. no one wants to hear me say it'll be alright. they don't WANT it to be alright. there's nothing i can do. no one wants to hear me talk about the things they don't want to do anything about. no one wants to hear about blood and screaming. they want to go on as they've always done. they want to eat their burgers in peace. they want to be little girls in pigtails running in the park with a hotdog. the underground evil wants to be ignored. they don't want me to ruin everything. nothing WORKS. there's nothing for anything. all pain is there because it's wanted. it's craved. it's worshipped. they like it. they crawl to it. they revel in the fact that they have pain to complain about. they wouldn't have me take it. they don't want to be free. my idea of free means nothing to them. chains are their freedom. they are already free. everyone is already free. crawling and scraping is WHAT PEOPLE WANT. they don't care about me. they like their laws. they like their law enforcers. they like their jails. no one wants me to shake things up. i'm just a problem. a little problem. they can ignore me. stifle me. and why not? why speak words no one wants to hear? why save the bleeding when the people who tear their flesh to feed on it feel so much better when they can bleed the weak? there is absolutely no truth and no right way. nothing matters. nothing is true. why should i suggest that ripping the bodies open is cruel? me depriving them of the food they like so much is cruel, they say. they need to do that. because they've always done it. they've always fed on the flesh of others. they feed on their own flesh. they like it. i wish that i could communicate with the other animals. perhaps their viewpoint is different. perhaps their view should be considered. but they're less. they don't matter. they are ours. their pain is ours. their rape is ours. their defilement is ours. it's our right to maim them. we deserve the quiet comfort of feeding on their flesh with our families. WHY!! WHYYYYYYYYY!!?!?!?!??!
why this? why now? why me? why am i marooned here where no one cares about anything? why am i even on this planet? the beings here are so stupid and contradictory. they say people should die for killing. people should die for killing specific beings. people should die for making fun of dead people? THERE IS NOTHING!
will there ever be another one like me? i don't do anything. i don't know what to do. what i want isn't valued by anyone. no one cares. no one cares at all. why do i? it's so easy to sit here. flailng out of my skin. one tear snaking down. so easy. so easy to make words. words no one will likely read... because i ask them to care about things they don't want to care about. to see things they don't want to see. so they pretend it's not true. they decide i'm lying. it's a hoax. perhaps all the LIES THAT KEEP YOU ON YOUR KNEES ARE THE HOAX!? maybe!? but they want to be on their knees. why should i contradict them? they don't want to see their potential. that's up to them. why should i care? why DO i care? i cannot do what i want to do. i cannot look at all facets of the diamond. the human mind perhaps wasn't made to look at more than a few. why do i defy how i am made? why do i force the facets into my eyes? i'm only going mad. i could have tried a simpler route. why was i born a contradiction? why this sweet flesh that confuses everyone so? why this crazy twisted mind? what do i even want? harmony? they have harmony, in their twisted way. harmony in the worship of pain and drudgery. pretending that their golden slavemaster will come back for them and tell them everything will be alright. all slaves. all crawling the face of the earth. all so pitiful and small. why is nothing ... shaken? why does no one scream? am i in the wrong part of the world for screaming? gather under a roof and worship your master. talk about freedom. don't even consider that your whole life is a lie. a twisted vine wrapping around and saying everything and nothing. twist twist. NO ONE CARES. i thought i could give them something. or offer it, at least. but they want nothing. nothing to do with me. i'm a sin. i'm an abomination. their god doesn't like me. i can't do this.
why this? why now? why me? why am i marooned here where no one cares about anything? why am i even on this planet? the beings here are so stupid and contradictory. they say people should die for killing. people should die for killing specific beings. people should die for making fun of dead people? THERE IS NOTHING!
will there ever be another one like me? i don't do anything. i don't know what to do. what i want isn't valued by anyone. no one cares. no one cares at all. why do i? it's so easy to sit here. flailng out of my skin. one tear snaking down. so easy. so easy to make words. words no one will likely read... because i ask them to care about things they don't want to care about. to see things they don't want to see. so they pretend it's not true. they decide i'm lying. it's a hoax. perhaps all the LIES THAT KEEP YOU ON YOUR KNEES ARE THE HOAX!? maybe!? but they want to be on their knees. why should i contradict them? they don't want to see their potential. that's up to them. why should i care? why DO i care? i cannot do what i want to do. i cannot look at all facets of the diamond. the human mind perhaps wasn't made to look at more than a few. why do i defy how i am made? why do i force the facets into my eyes? i'm only going mad. i could have tried a simpler route. why was i born a contradiction? why this sweet flesh that confuses everyone so? why this crazy twisted mind? what do i even want? harmony? they have harmony, in their twisted way. harmony in the worship of pain and drudgery. pretending that their golden slavemaster will come back for them and tell them everything will be alright. all slaves. all crawling the face of the earth. all so pitiful and small. why is nothing ... shaken? why does no one scream? am i in the wrong part of the world for screaming? gather under a roof and worship your master. talk about freedom. don't even consider that your whole life is a lie. a twisted vine wrapping around and saying everything and nothing. twist twist. NO ONE CARES. i thought i could give them something. or offer it, at least. but they want nothing. nothing to do with me. i'm a sin. i'm an abomination. their god doesn't like me. i can't do this.