(no subject)
Gods only know that I try. I try to go on, I try to continue with my life but I ... I don't know how to do it. I came here, chose to stay here where I found the peace and happiness that I lacked my entire life only to have it all taken from me again.
A part of me wonders if it would have been easier if I never had the blessings to begin with but I know that is not true. I'm at least grateful that I got to experience what it is like to have a family of my own, even for a little while. Certainly it hurts to have lost them after so short a time - it hurts like hell - but as they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I wish I can say that I have my friends to get me through this. While they are here for me and want to be here for me, I still feel ... so empty inside. I can't feel anything but empty and numb anymore and no matter how much they try to comfort me, none of it helps. They try though, and that's all that matters, I suppose.
I wish I can say that no matter what, I won't give up. Because there are definitely days that I do want to and that I simply want to die. Hell, at my very lowest point, I did try. Something is still holding me back, though, and I don't know what it is. Nash, perhaps? He has been so good to me and I'm so grateful for all he has done. I want to ... I want to be able to thank him properly but I'm just incapable of doing so. I'm not sure of how deeply I care for him. I don't know if I want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I can't bring myself to tell him how much I care for him or how thankful I am because in the end ... I will lose him too. Even if he is from this era, there are so many other ways for me to lose him.
I am lost, I'll admit. Perhaps I will take Aila up on her offer and travel with her to Karaya for a bit before heading off on my own. I need to heal but I can't do it here. Too many wonderful memories. Too many painful ones.
A part of me wonders if it would have been easier if I never had the blessings to begin with but I know that is not true. I'm at least grateful that I got to experience what it is like to have a family of my own, even for a little while. Certainly it hurts to have lost them after so short a time - it hurts like hell - but as they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I wish I can say that I have my friends to get me through this. While they are here for me and want to be here for me, I still feel ... so empty inside. I can't feel anything but empty and numb anymore and no matter how much they try to comfort me, none of it helps. They try though, and that's all that matters, I suppose.
I wish I can say that no matter what, I won't give up. Because there are definitely days that I do want to and that I simply want to die. Hell, at my very lowest point, I did try. Something is still holding me back, though, and I don't know what it is. Nash, perhaps? He has been so good to me and I'm so grateful for all he has done. I want to ... I want to be able to thank him properly but I'm just incapable of doing so. I'm not sure of how deeply I care for him. I don't know if I want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I can't bring myself to tell him how much I care for him or how thankful I am because in the end ... I will lose him too. Even if he is from this era, there are so many other ways for me to lose him.
I am lost, I'll admit. Perhaps I will take Aila up on her offer and travel with her to Karaya for a bit before heading off on my own. I need to heal but I can't do it here. Too many wonderful memories. Too many painful ones.