Fic: "When I Live My Dream"
Title: When I Live My Dream
Author: jenslore
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: PG-13 to be safe
Word Count: Around 3,200
Song: "When I Live My Dream" from David Bowie
Warnings: No smut, a little drama, talk of Katy/Kris divorce and Adam/Drake break-up (this was written before news of it broke, so apologies to Lambry shippers).
Disclaimer: I own them all and I am currently working up to world domination with Adam Lambert as my main glitter coated weapon.... If anyone written about in this shit is reading this, I apologize. Of course I don't own you, please don't sue me, for I am broke and you'd get fuck all out of me anyway. Now stop reading fic and get back to work before I have to smack a bitch.
The razor scraped along his cheek, cold and wet. A trail of goosebumps rose up in its wake. He was so set on not nicking himself and giving the make up girl at the shoot later something else to bitch about that he didn't notice the presence behind him until he looked up and saw that he wasn't alone in his reflection anymore. A decidedly shorter man's image was now inverted next to his own. He felt his face break into a wide smile, his heart skipping a beat or two as he felt warm arms around his waist, the brown head dipping down to place a kiss on his freckled shoulder. The warm lips made the goosebumps spread all over, made his eyes close as a shiver coursed through his body.
"What are you doing here?" he asked the other man, his voice small, almost innocent with his surprise and happiness.
"I'm here because you want me to be," the man answered, brown eyes meeting blue in the mirror, wide and surprised.
"What I've wanted's never made a difference before. Why now?" he asked, a vulnerable sort of uneasiness settling in.
The man behind him seemed to give the question genuine thought before tightening his grip on him. "Because you deserve to be happy. Didn't I tell you that things would work out? Didn't I say that one day you'd get all of the good things that were coming to you? Don't be so cynical, Adam. It'll give you wrinkles."
A laugh slipped from between his lips and he closed his eyes tight, his own hand running over the warmer ones that rested on his stomach, trying hard to make the words true.
Adam woke up to the sound of the alarm blaring. He buried his face into his pillow, unwilling to let go of sleep and face the empty space in the bed next to him.
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Eventually he did force his eyes open, making himself get up and shower, though he couldn't quite bring himself to shave.
He had promised Kris that he'd meet him for a late dinner.
They hadn't been face to face in months, and Adam felt his throat constrict at the awkward timing. He spent a little more time than necessary fixing his hair, hoping the ritual of it would calm his nerves and ease the shaking in his hands. He took so long that he barely had time to throw on sunglasses and get out the door, forcing himself to forgo the makeup he was sure he was desperately in need of.
Adam still ended up running ten minutes late, but the smile Kris greeted him with made it clear that he wasn't going to hold his tardiness against him. He got up from the booth and gave him one of the soul crushing hugs he was so fond of. Despite the lingering discomfort he felt, Adam returned the hug with just as much genuine affection as ever.
"You look exhausted, everything ok?"
Kris of course had to start in with the probing questions before the waiter had even made his way over to get their drink orders. He'd never been one for small talk.
Adam pressed his lips together, lifting his sunglasses and exposing tired eyes still smudged with last night's eyeliner. "How the fuck do you do that every fucking time? What, did my lips look tired?"
Kris laughed, taking the sunglasses from Adam and placing them on the table. "Lucky guess. I figure with you I've got a seventy-five percent chance of being right on any given day. You're a busy man, Adam Lambert. Exhaustion is a given."
Adam heaved a sigh and rubbed a hand roughly across his face. "Fair enough. But what about you? You're busy, too. But look at you. Fresh faced and adorable as if you'd just gotten a full eight hours. Makes me sick," he said, the sulk setting in around his lips making Kris laugh.
"Maybe it's because I don't have a significant other living with me, keeping me up every night." Kris was teasing, but it made Adam's grin falter. He wasn't ready to get into that one yet, so before the look on Kris's face could manifest into a voiced concern he redirected the question.
"I thought Katy was coming out to L.A. more. She not keeping you up late?" he said with a suggestively quirked eyebrow.
Kris's answering expression bore a striking resemblance to the one Adam had been wearing only moments before. "Yeah, well... where's that waiter guy?"
The ensuing ordering of drinks gave them both a few minutes to get their thoughts together, but they both waited until the alcohol had arrived before the real questions started rolling out.
"So. How's Drake?"
Adam took another gulp of Martini, staring down at the glass, letting the cold seep into his hand. "He was good the last time we talked. Getting a new place does that to a guy."
After the silence started getting uncomfortable, Adam ventured a glance away from his drink and found Kris staring at him, face cloudy and unsure.
"It's not a big deal. We just... grew apart. Different paths, you know?" It sounded rehearsed to his own ears, but he hoped the delivery was good enough to convince Kris.
He was disappointed.
Kris mad a "hmph" noise and took a drink of his beer, staring at Adam, eyes narrowed and alarmingly perceptive. Before he could start voicing the list of questions Adam saw written all over his face, Adam blurted out, "What about you and Katy? How's she handling everything?"
Kris took an even longer drink, staring down at his now empty mug balefully. "She's good. Not coming out much anymore, though."
Adam didn't know what to say to that. The resulting silence prompted Kris to elaborate in hopes of ending the lull.
"She's... the acting thing isn't working out so well. I mentioned maybe trying modeling instead but she... I don't think she liked that idea so much," he said with a grimace.
"Oh. Well," Adam offered.
The waiter provided a much needed distraction by bringing them another round. Adam decided the he'd be recieving a massive tip based on his immaculate timing alone.
Kris, desperate to steer to the conversation into safer waters, tried a different sort of question, not realizing he was setting himself up for an even more awkward silence.
"So, why are you so wiped today? You said you had a few days off. Shouldn't you be all rested up?"
Adam cleared his throat, his brows furrowing as he dug for a way around it without lying. Realizing there wasn't one, he said, "I've been having a lot of weird dreams. Kind of fucking with what sleep I'm managing to get," and hoped Kris would leave it at that.
"What kind of dreams?" he asked, curiosity evident.
Adam shifted in his seat like Kris was trying to recreate the Spanish Inquisition instead of making casual conversation over cocktails. There was no way out of it; Kris knew him too well. If he didn't give him something it would look suspicious.
"Well," he said, rubbing his eyes, his voice rough and used up, "Kind of like the ones I used to have back in the mansion."
Kris's brows shot up into his hairline, his lips curving down. "Oh, you mean. But. About Brad? I thought you stopped having those a while back?"
Adam shook his head. "Nope. Not about Brad." Kris had a neutral sort of understanding on his face and Adam felt the knot in his chest unfurl. Kris had come to his own conclusions and, while they weren't accurate, they served their purpose.
When Adam had started on idol, he hadn't been over Brad by a long shot. He knew it, accepted it, and had done his best to use the experience as a stepping stone to aid him in moving on. It had worked, but the catharsis had resulted in a lot of emotional overflow. Kris had gotten to see a lot of it, not just because he was his roommate but because he was one of the only people Adam had who was willing to listen. Allison had been there, sure, but she was too young to be helpful when it came to relationships.
Kris had understood, had been there when Adam had woken up in the middle of the night after being throughly wrecked by his subconscious. The first time Adam had been too tired to censor himself. Kris hadn't flinched when Adam had detailed every aspect of it, from small and intimate to full out pornographic. He'd commiserated, never treating Adam's relationship like it was any different from what he had with Katy, at least not in the ways that counted.
"So, how are you?" Kris said, his voice heavy with words he didn't bother to add on to the end of the question.
Adam shrugged. "Good, I guess." It was a shit sales pitch and Kris wasn't buying. Adam's lips quirked, relenting. "I'm just tired. The press is going to pick it up any day, then everyone will be waiting for me to go wild and fuck everyone with something dangling between their legs. I'm sick of that shit. I'm fine partying, I'm fine making out with people or hooking up, but in the end I like having someone who's there for me, waiting for me when I get home. It keeps me stable," he took a breath before adding, "You know what I mean, you've got Katy."
He looked at Kris, surprised to find him looking so uncomfortable.
"Hey, what's up?" he said, his hand moving to rest on Kris's shoulder. His own paranoid inner dialogue had made him miss just how off Kris was acting. "You know, you look like you could use some of my eye cream after all," he said, giving Kris's face a more thorough examination.
Kris laughed, but it was more shallow than Adam like to hear it. "No, it's ok man. I wanna hear about this." His voice had an unfamiliar catch to it and Adam realized with increasing alarm that Kris was fighting tears.
Adam felt his face arrange into an expression of intense dismay, and when Kris chanced a look at him he was shocked to when Kris abruptly crumpled into a fit of giggles. "You look like I just told you they discontinued your favorite eyeliner," he said, the change in his face forcing a few tears out of the corner of his eyes despite his much happier demeanor. Adam smiled but couldn't get the worry out of his eyes as he brushed a thumb over the wet patch on Kris's cheek.
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They decided to skip dinner, neither able to find their appetites all of a sudden. Instead they paid their tab (Kris grabbing the check and Adam leaving a healthy tip) and set out walking, the cool night air allowing them to clear their heads and catch their breath.
"So, how final is this thing?"
Kris shrugged a heavy shoulder. "Dunno. How final does 'separated' sound to you?"
Adam's brows creased together, hands shoving deeper into his pockets. "Kris, why didn't you tell me? You were there for me so much before. You know you can talk to me about this, right?" He felt stupid for feeling so left out. Kris had other friends he was closer to, had known longer. But he'd told Kris so much about he and Brad. Kris had been an outsider, had been able to give him more perspective on it than the friends who had been around for the whole mess. He wanted to believe he could do the same for Kris.
Kris ran a hand through his hair. "I know. I guess I didn't say anything for the same reason you didn't tell me about Drake. It's still pretty new, and we don't get to talk much anymore, man. I didn't wanna mess it up with downer stuff, I guess. I haven't really talked to anyone about it yet, other than the basic details. It's driving Mom nuts."
Adam smiled a little at that. No doubt she was plying Kris with baked goods and constant phone calls trying to get him to spill his guts.
"It's easier to say it face to face, too," Adam admitted. That was one of the many reasons he'd held off on telling Kris about the trouble he was having with Drake. One of the biggest, in fact, next to his own complete and utter denial. Admitting that he had fucked up another good thing was hard enough to deal with in his own mind. Admitting it to other people out loud only cemented his overwhelming feeling of failure.
"I'm trying not to think about it a lot. I know repression is bad, blah blah blah, but there's so much else going on right now. How am I supposed to deal with this, too?" Kris stopped, abrupt and startled, an expression playing across his face like something in his own words had struck him hard in his midsection. "She's right. I am being a shitty husband."
Adam shook his head, his hand reaching out to touch Kris's back, soft and reassuring. He looked straight ahead, his lips tight, eyes dark."Don't be ridiculous. This shit isn't easy for anyone, but you just opened up a big can of ready made career and then they expect you to just know what to do with it. And you're handling it, Kris. You're doing a beautiful job. It's just gonna take some time learn to balance it. Everyone needs to realize that."
Kris nodded, groaned, closed his eyes. "Maybe you and I are just destined to be old bachelors."
It was unexpected enough to get a chuckle out of Adam. "We could get a place together. It'd be like a modern version of The Odd Couple. I'll be Oscar, you be Felix."
That got a big laugh out of Kris that made Adam feel a sudden rush of warmth and contentment, like they weren't facing the end of both of their worlds after all.
"Remember that time you told me about talking to Brad. That one time he told you about the new guy?"
"Why yes I do. Is this your attempt to depress me all over again?" Adam quipped, a wry smirk forming on his lips at the unexpected change in conversational direction.
"Do you remember what I told you?" Kris said, turning to give him a smile that made Adam go from warm to hot. His stomach felt funny and lis knees had a wobble to them that he didn't approve of.
"Yeah," he responded, grateful his voice again had managed not to fail him like the rest of his body. "Yeah, you said you'd pretend to be my boyfriend to piss him off. That's when you started pulling all that crazy shit on me," he said, giving him a playful, reproachful glare.
"Hey, the fangirls liked it," Kris replied, as if that discounted any argument against it Adam could have possibly had. "Why don't we do that again?"
Adam looked at Kris as if he were about to call for the men in the white coats. "Why? How about because even then it made no sense? How about because I have no reason to make Drake jealous? How about because if you did want to make Katy jealous, someone shorter and blonder and equipped with a vagina would make a hell of a lot more sense? How about-"
Kris held up a hand, cutting Adam off. "Did it make you feel better?"
Adam pursed his lips, making himself stop and really think about it. He didn't want to, but he needed to be honest with himself as much as with Kris.
It had never been about anyone else. Kris had never thought that pretending to hit on Adam was going to send Brad into a jealous tizzy and straight back into Adam's arms any more than Adam had. It had never been about anything or anyone except the two of them. It had made Adam feel like he had a confidant, like there was someone not only on his side but by his side.
"Yeah," he admitted, "It did. But I don't know how that pertains to the here and now. We can't suddenly start doing joint interviews again. We can't call up the powers that be and tell them to drop everything because we've decided after a few drinks that we want to tour together."
"I know that," Kris said, rolling his eyes, "But we can start spending more time together. Not just on the phone, but out in public. If I happen to know you're being interviewed, I can pop in and say hi. It won't mean much to some people, just give them something new to print. But it'll be like old times for us," he paused, his grin devious, "And the fangirls would lose their shit."
Adam laughed hard enough to double himself over. The night they'd done their joint bubbletweet was still one of his best memories of tour. Not because of Kris and his random beeping, but because of the resulting internet explosion. He wondered how the fans would have responded if they'd realized "go to bed" was actually code for them retiring to the same bunk, not for illicit tour sex but to huddle together over a laptop like evil geniuses reveling in the havoc they had wrought.
He calmed down only when Kris reached over to pat his back, letting his hand rest there. Adam looked down at him, face soft, eyes filled with emotion that he was finding nearly impossible to reign in.
"I think that might be a really bad idea," he said, letting the end of the sentence dangle.
"Buuut..?" Kris prodded, not about to let it drop.
"Buuuut... I also think it might be a lot of fun," he admitted, his lips quirking at the corners.
Kris gave him a smile that rivaled any kid on Christmas morning, giving him a massive hug, face buried in Adam's chest. Adam hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around him, his own face buried in Kris's hair as he took a deep, shaky breath, trying and failing to clear his head enough to see just how bad of an idea this potentially was.
When they pulled apart, Adam glanced at his watch. "It's 3 a.m. If you think I look like shit today, you should see how you're going to look at that meeting tomorrow."
Kris made a face and nodded. "I guess you're right. Walk me back?" he teased, bumping his shoulder against Adam.
"Of course," Adam replied, looking scandalized, "You Southern boys aren't the only ones with manners, Allen."
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They were silent on the walk back to the parking garage, but this time it was more thoughtful and lacking the awkwardness that had marked the pauses in their conversation earlier. They said their goodbyes, but Kris lingered, standing holding his car door open and staring at Adam with inscrutable, deep brown eyes.
"It's gonna be ok, Adam," he said with a certainty that made something catch in Adam's throat, stopping him from making the witty comeback that he was desperately trying to formulate. The attempt was wiped away completely when Kris leaned up on his toes, placing a chaste kiss on the corner of Adam's mouth. "I'll call you tomorrow, ok?" Adam could only nod, eyes wide as Kris got into his car, grinning as he drove away into the chilly California night.
Long moments passed before Adam found his feet again. It was even longer before he felt stable enough to drive. He stared at his reflection in the rearview mirror, studying the bags beneath his eyes. He groaned, resting his head on the steering wheel, certain that sleep wouldn't come come easy any time soon.
Author: jenslore
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: PG-13 to be safe
Word Count: Around 3,200
Song: "When I Live My Dream" from David Bowie
Warnings: No smut, a little drama, talk of Katy/Kris divorce and Adam/Drake break-up (this was written before news of it broke, so apologies to Lambry shippers).
Disclaimer: I own them all and I am currently working up to world domination with Adam Lambert as my main glitter coated weapon.... If anyone written about in this shit is reading this, I apologize. Of course I don't own you, please don't sue me, for I am broke and you'd get fuck all out of me anyway. Now stop reading fic and get back to work before I have to smack a bitch.
The razor scraped along his cheek, cold and wet. A trail of goosebumps rose up in its wake. He was so set on not nicking himself and giving the make up girl at the shoot later something else to bitch about that he didn't notice the presence behind him until he looked up and saw that he wasn't alone in his reflection anymore. A decidedly shorter man's image was now inverted next to his own. He felt his face break into a wide smile, his heart skipping a beat or two as he felt warm arms around his waist, the brown head dipping down to place a kiss on his freckled shoulder. The warm lips made the goosebumps spread all over, made his eyes close as a shiver coursed through his body.
"What are you doing here?" he asked the other man, his voice small, almost innocent with his surprise and happiness.
"I'm here because you want me to be," the man answered, brown eyes meeting blue in the mirror, wide and surprised.
"What I've wanted's never made a difference before. Why now?" he asked, a vulnerable sort of uneasiness settling in.
The man behind him seemed to give the question genuine thought before tightening his grip on him. "Because you deserve to be happy. Didn't I tell you that things would work out? Didn't I say that one day you'd get all of the good things that were coming to you? Don't be so cynical, Adam. It'll give you wrinkles."
A laugh slipped from between his lips and he closed his eyes tight, his own hand running over the warmer ones that rested on his stomach, trying hard to make the words true.
Adam woke up to the sound of the alarm blaring. He buried his face into his pillow, unwilling to let go of sleep and face the empty space in the bed next to him.
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Eventually he did force his eyes open, making himself get up and shower, though he couldn't quite bring himself to shave.
He had promised Kris that he'd meet him for a late dinner.
They hadn't been face to face in months, and Adam felt his throat constrict at the awkward timing. He spent a little more time than necessary fixing his hair, hoping the ritual of it would calm his nerves and ease the shaking in his hands. He took so long that he barely had time to throw on sunglasses and get out the door, forcing himself to forgo the makeup he was sure he was desperately in need of.
Adam still ended up running ten minutes late, but the smile Kris greeted him with made it clear that he wasn't going to hold his tardiness against him. He got up from the booth and gave him one of the soul crushing hugs he was so fond of. Despite the lingering discomfort he felt, Adam returned the hug with just as much genuine affection as ever.
"You look exhausted, everything ok?"
Kris of course had to start in with the probing questions before the waiter had even made his way over to get their drink orders. He'd never been one for small talk.
Adam pressed his lips together, lifting his sunglasses and exposing tired eyes still smudged with last night's eyeliner. "How the fuck do you do that every fucking time? What, did my lips look tired?"
Kris laughed, taking the sunglasses from Adam and placing them on the table. "Lucky guess. I figure with you I've got a seventy-five percent chance of being right on any given day. You're a busy man, Adam Lambert. Exhaustion is a given."
Adam heaved a sigh and rubbed a hand roughly across his face. "Fair enough. But what about you? You're busy, too. But look at you. Fresh faced and adorable as if you'd just gotten a full eight hours. Makes me sick," he said, the sulk setting in around his lips making Kris laugh.
"Maybe it's because I don't have a significant other living with me, keeping me up every night." Kris was teasing, but it made Adam's grin falter. He wasn't ready to get into that one yet, so before the look on Kris's face could manifest into a voiced concern he redirected the question.
"I thought Katy was coming out to L.A. more. She not keeping you up late?" he said with a suggestively quirked eyebrow.
Kris's answering expression bore a striking resemblance to the one Adam had been wearing only moments before. "Yeah, well... where's that waiter guy?"
The ensuing ordering of drinks gave them both a few minutes to get their thoughts together, but they both waited until the alcohol had arrived before the real questions started rolling out.
"So. How's Drake?"
Adam took another gulp of Martini, staring down at the glass, letting the cold seep into his hand. "He was good the last time we talked. Getting a new place does that to a guy."
After the silence started getting uncomfortable, Adam ventured a glance away from his drink and found Kris staring at him, face cloudy and unsure.
"It's not a big deal. We just... grew apart. Different paths, you know?" It sounded rehearsed to his own ears, but he hoped the delivery was good enough to convince Kris.
He was disappointed.
Kris mad a "hmph" noise and took a drink of his beer, staring at Adam, eyes narrowed and alarmingly perceptive. Before he could start voicing the list of questions Adam saw written all over his face, Adam blurted out, "What about you and Katy? How's she handling everything?"
Kris took an even longer drink, staring down at his now empty mug balefully. "She's good. Not coming out much anymore, though."
Adam didn't know what to say to that. The resulting silence prompted Kris to elaborate in hopes of ending the lull.
"She's... the acting thing isn't working out so well. I mentioned maybe trying modeling instead but she... I don't think she liked that idea so much," he said with a grimace.
"Oh. Well," Adam offered.
The waiter provided a much needed distraction by bringing them another round. Adam decided the he'd be recieving a massive tip based on his immaculate timing alone.
Kris, desperate to steer to the conversation into safer waters, tried a different sort of question, not realizing he was setting himself up for an even more awkward silence.
"So, why are you so wiped today? You said you had a few days off. Shouldn't you be all rested up?"
Adam cleared his throat, his brows furrowing as he dug for a way around it without lying. Realizing there wasn't one, he said, "I've been having a lot of weird dreams. Kind of fucking with what sleep I'm managing to get," and hoped Kris would leave it at that.
"What kind of dreams?" he asked, curiosity evident.
Adam shifted in his seat like Kris was trying to recreate the Spanish Inquisition instead of making casual conversation over cocktails. There was no way out of it; Kris knew him too well. If he didn't give him something it would look suspicious.
"Well," he said, rubbing his eyes, his voice rough and used up, "Kind of like the ones I used to have back in the mansion."
Kris's brows shot up into his hairline, his lips curving down. "Oh, you mean. But. About Brad? I thought you stopped having those a while back?"
Adam shook his head. "Nope. Not about Brad." Kris had a neutral sort of understanding on his face and Adam felt the knot in his chest unfurl. Kris had come to his own conclusions and, while they weren't accurate, they served their purpose.
When Adam had started on idol, he hadn't been over Brad by a long shot. He knew it, accepted it, and had done his best to use the experience as a stepping stone to aid him in moving on. It had worked, but the catharsis had resulted in a lot of emotional overflow. Kris had gotten to see a lot of it, not just because he was his roommate but because he was one of the only people Adam had who was willing to listen. Allison had been there, sure, but she was too young to be helpful when it came to relationships.
Kris had understood, had been there when Adam had woken up in the middle of the night after being throughly wrecked by his subconscious. The first time Adam had been too tired to censor himself. Kris hadn't flinched when Adam had detailed every aspect of it, from small and intimate to full out pornographic. He'd commiserated, never treating Adam's relationship like it was any different from what he had with Katy, at least not in the ways that counted.
"So, how are you?" Kris said, his voice heavy with words he didn't bother to add on to the end of the question.
Adam shrugged. "Good, I guess." It was a shit sales pitch and Kris wasn't buying. Adam's lips quirked, relenting. "I'm just tired. The press is going to pick it up any day, then everyone will be waiting for me to go wild and fuck everyone with something dangling between their legs. I'm sick of that shit. I'm fine partying, I'm fine making out with people or hooking up, but in the end I like having someone who's there for me, waiting for me when I get home. It keeps me stable," he took a breath before adding, "You know what I mean, you've got Katy."
He looked at Kris, surprised to find him looking so uncomfortable.
"Hey, what's up?" he said, his hand moving to rest on Kris's shoulder. His own paranoid inner dialogue had made him miss just how off Kris was acting. "You know, you look like you could use some of my eye cream after all," he said, giving Kris's face a more thorough examination.
Kris laughed, but it was more shallow than Adam like to hear it. "No, it's ok man. I wanna hear about this." His voice had an unfamiliar catch to it and Adam realized with increasing alarm that Kris was fighting tears.
Adam felt his face arrange into an expression of intense dismay, and when Kris chanced a look at him he was shocked to when Kris abruptly crumpled into a fit of giggles. "You look like I just told you they discontinued your favorite eyeliner," he said, the change in his face forcing a few tears out of the corner of his eyes despite his much happier demeanor. Adam smiled but couldn't get the worry out of his eyes as he brushed a thumb over the wet patch on Kris's cheek.
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They decided to skip dinner, neither able to find their appetites all of a sudden. Instead they paid their tab (Kris grabbing the check and Adam leaving a healthy tip) and set out walking, the cool night air allowing them to clear their heads and catch their breath.
"So, how final is this thing?"
Kris shrugged a heavy shoulder. "Dunno. How final does 'separated' sound to you?"
Adam's brows creased together, hands shoving deeper into his pockets. "Kris, why didn't you tell me? You were there for me so much before. You know you can talk to me about this, right?" He felt stupid for feeling so left out. Kris had other friends he was closer to, had known longer. But he'd told Kris so much about he and Brad. Kris had been an outsider, had been able to give him more perspective on it than the friends who had been around for the whole mess. He wanted to believe he could do the same for Kris.
Kris ran a hand through his hair. "I know. I guess I didn't say anything for the same reason you didn't tell me about Drake. It's still pretty new, and we don't get to talk much anymore, man. I didn't wanna mess it up with downer stuff, I guess. I haven't really talked to anyone about it yet, other than the basic details. It's driving Mom nuts."
Adam smiled a little at that. No doubt she was plying Kris with baked goods and constant phone calls trying to get him to spill his guts.
"It's easier to say it face to face, too," Adam admitted. That was one of the many reasons he'd held off on telling Kris about the trouble he was having with Drake. One of the biggest, in fact, next to his own complete and utter denial. Admitting that he had fucked up another good thing was hard enough to deal with in his own mind. Admitting it to other people out loud only cemented his overwhelming feeling of failure.
"I'm trying not to think about it a lot. I know repression is bad, blah blah blah, but there's so much else going on right now. How am I supposed to deal with this, too?" Kris stopped, abrupt and startled, an expression playing across his face like something in his own words had struck him hard in his midsection. "She's right. I am being a shitty husband."
Adam shook his head, his hand reaching out to touch Kris's back, soft and reassuring. He looked straight ahead, his lips tight, eyes dark."Don't be ridiculous. This shit isn't easy for anyone, but you just opened up a big can of ready made career and then they expect you to just know what to do with it. And you're handling it, Kris. You're doing a beautiful job. It's just gonna take some time learn to balance it. Everyone needs to realize that."
Kris nodded, groaned, closed his eyes. "Maybe you and I are just destined to be old bachelors."
It was unexpected enough to get a chuckle out of Adam. "We could get a place together. It'd be like a modern version of The Odd Couple. I'll be Oscar, you be Felix."
That got a big laugh out of Kris that made Adam feel a sudden rush of warmth and contentment, like they weren't facing the end of both of their worlds after all.
"Remember that time you told me about talking to Brad. That one time he told you about the new guy?"
"Why yes I do. Is this your attempt to depress me all over again?" Adam quipped, a wry smirk forming on his lips at the unexpected change in conversational direction.
"Do you remember what I told you?" Kris said, turning to give him a smile that made Adam go from warm to hot. His stomach felt funny and lis knees had a wobble to them that he didn't approve of.
"Yeah," he responded, grateful his voice again had managed not to fail him like the rest of his body. "Yeah, you said you'd pretend to be my boyfriend to piss him off. That's when you started pulling all that crazy shit on me," he said, giving him a playful, reproachful glare.
"Hey, the fangirls liked it," Kris replied, as if that discounted any argument against it Adam could have possibly had. "Why don't we do that again?"
Adam looked at Kris as if he were about to call for the men in the white coats. "Why? How about because even then it made no sense? How about because I have no reason to make Drake jealous? How about because if you did want to make Katy jealous, someone shorter and blonder and equipped with a vagina would make a hell of a lot more sense? How about-"
Kris held up a hand, cutting Adam off. "Did it make you feel better?"
Adam pursed his lips, making himself stop and really think about it. He didn't want to, but he needed to be honest with himself as much as with Kris.
It had never been about anyone else. Kris had never thought that pretending to hit on Adam was going to send Brad into a jealous tizzy and straight back into Adam's arms any more than Adam had. It had never been about anything or anyone except the two of them. It had made Adam feel like he had a confidant, like there was someone not only on his side but by his side.
"Yeah," he admitted, "It did. But I don't know how that pertains to the here and now. We can't suddenly start doing joint interviews again. We can't call up the powers that be and tell them to drop everything because we've decided after a few drinks that we want to tour together."
"I know that," Kris said, rolling his eyes, "But we can start spending more time together. Not just on the phone, but out in public. If I happen to know you're being interviewed, I can pop in and say hi. It won't mean much to some people, just give them something new to print. But it'll be like old times for us," he paused, his grin devious, "And the fangirls would lose their shit."
Adam laughed hard enough to double himself over. The night they'd done their joint bubbletweet was still one of his best memories of tour. Not because of Kris and his random beeping, but because of the resulting internet explosion. He wondered how the fans would have responded if they'd realized "go to bed" was actually code for them retiring to the same bunk, not for illicit tour sex but to huddle together over a laptop like evil geniuses reveling in the havoc they had wrought.
He calmed down only when Kris reached over to pat his back, letting his hand rest there. Adam looked down at him, face soft, eyes filled with emotion that he was finding nearly impossible to reign in.
"I think that might be a really bad idea," he said, letting the end of the sentence dangle.
"Buuut..?" Kris prodded, not about to let it drop.
"Buuuut... I also think it might be a lot of fun," he admitted, his lips quirking at the corners.
Kris gave him a smile that rivaled any kid on Christmas morning, giving him a massive hug, face buried in Adam's chest. Adam hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around him, his own face buried in Kris's hair as he took a deep, shaky breath, trying and failing to clear his head enough to see just how bad of an idea this potentially was.
When they pulled apart, Adam glanced at his watch. "It's 3 a.m. If you think I look like shit today, you should see how you're going to look at that meeting tomorrow."
Kris made a face and nodded. "I guess you're right. Walk me back?" he teased, bumping his shoulder against Adam.
"Of course," Adam replied, looking scandalized, "You Southern boys aren't the only ones with manners, Allen."
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They were silent on the walk back to the parking garage, but this time it was more thoughtful and lacking the awkwardness that had marked the pauses in their conversation earlier. They said their goodbyes, but Kris lingered, standing holding his car door open and staring at Adam with inscrutable, deep brown eyes.
"It's gonna be ok, Adam," he said with a certainty that made something catch in Adam's throat, stopping him from making the witty comeback that he was desperately trying to formulate. The attempt was wiped away completely when Kris leaned up on his toes, placing a chaste kiss on the corner of Adam's mouth. "I'll call you tomorrow, ok?" Adam could only nod, eyes wide as Kris got into his car, grinning as he drove away into the chilly California night.
Long moments passed before Adam found his feet again. It was even longer before he felt stable enough to drive. He stared at his reflection in the rearview mirror, studying the bags beneath his eyes. He groaned, resting his head on the steering wheel, certain that sleep wouldn't come come easy any time soon.