Second Part of Katie's Christmas Fic (Woot)
Hokay. So. Here it be:
How House Lost His Cane
or
It's Never...Until It Is
Part Two
James Wilson was still mostly mortified when House entered his office. He silently lamented that he didn’t have a deadbolt. “Her pee’s brown!” House said by way of greeting.
Wilson blinked. “I’m so happy for you both.”
“Her kidneys are failing,” House added by way of clarification.
“I, too, went to medical school.” Wilson couldn’t bring himself to look House in the eye, so he kept his eyes on the piles of paperwork on his desk. “Figure it out yet?”
He caught House’s smile out of the corner of his eye. “Yep.” Wilson waited.
“Are you going to tell me?”
“Nope.” House sat in the chair opposite Wilson and put his feet up on the desk, right in the middle of Wilson’s paperwork. Wilson shot him a look. House looked innocent. As best he could. “I’m homoerotic guy.”
Wilson sputtered a little before he choked out, “What?”
“My patient called me the homoerotic guy. Catchy. I wonder if I can get it stenciled on my door.”
Wilson tried to grasp the situation. “She...”
“Apparently,” House continued, “Rash and Seizure Girl and her girlfriend, Tall and Crazy Girl, are very big on gay love.”
“I...” Wilson started, but stopped again, because he didn’t have anything to say beyond incoherent babbling.
“I saw you with Tall and Crazy earlier. Let me see if I can remember her exact reaction...”
“She said I was gay,” Wilson interrupted, punctuating it by throwing his hands in the air.
House cocked an eyebrow. “Are you?”
“No!” Wilson cried, perhaps a bit to forcefully.
“Then what’s the problem?” House was laughing with his eyes.
Wilson put his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”
“I was talking to Tall and Crazy, and she seemed to think that we would make a very cute couple.”
Still behind his hands, Wilson said, “Tall and Crazy would think any two men together would be a cute couple.”
“You don’t know that,” House scolded. “She might be very picky about which men she thinks should have sex. Rash and Seizure wanted to meet you so she could make her own decision. But she thought my cane was dashing.”
“I’m glad. Her kidneys are failing and she likes your cane. You’re a perfect match.”
“Well, we would be, but she’s gay.”
“Terrible.” Wilson finally looked up. “Why are you still here?”
House sighed. “I need to parade you in front of Rash and Seizure Girl. I told you that.”
“Why, exactly?”
“Because it’s fun!”
Wilson rubbed his temples. “Maybe for you. I have to do paperwork and try to get my mind to work the right way again.”
House stood and grabbed Wilson’s arm, hauling him up. “Come, lover, we’re off.” To complete the image House was trying to make, he linked his arm with Wilson’s as the reached the elevator.
“Please, House. Please don’t make me talk to her again,” Wilson pleaded.
“You don’t have to say anything. Just look pretty.”
The doors to the elevator slid open, and the ducklings stood there. Chase seemed to finally have gotten his hair back in order, but still seemed a little pouty. “House, she was negative for...”
“Run an ANA. Oh, and check her kidney functions. Just for laughs,” House said, pushing his team back into the elevator.
“But you said she doesn’t...” was all Cameron could get out before the doors slid shut again.
Wilson laughed suddenly. “Really?”
“Yeah. Isn’t it peachy?” House grinned back at Wilson and tightened his grip on Wilson’s arm slightly. House pushed the elevator button again, and this time an empty elevator greeted them.
“You realize this can’t be good for my psyche,” Wilson said as House pulled him into the elevator.
“Isn’t it great how I don’t care?”
***
Robert Chase twirled on his stool in the lab. Despite the fact that his hair was now back in order, he felt the need to pout coming back. “He called me retarded,” Chase said.
“I was there,” Foreman said, pulling out the materials to run the ANA test.
“He’s never called you retarded.”
“But he is always being racist.”
Cameron sighed. “Could we just run the tests?”
“You’re still mad because he threw the ball at you,” Foreman said. “You know,” Foreman told her lowly, “if he starts pulling your hair, then you know he likes you.”
“Really?” Cameron said. Chase stopped pouting long enough to laugh. Foreman grinned. Cameron flushed and looked at the floor. “It’s not funny.”
“Yes it is,” Chase said, before fully committing to his pout again.
“It’s positive,” Foreman said. Both Chase and Cameron went to peer over his shoulders.
“No it isn’t,” Chase said, though what he was seeing meant exactly the opposite.
Cameron shook her head. “Unbelievable.”
The three of them looked at the test results for a little longer. “Who wants to tell him?” Foreman asked.
“I’m not. He’ll find some way to laugh at me about it,” Chase said.
“Well, I don’t want to,” Cameron said.
“Oh fine,” Foreman said. But he didn’t move. They all sat there, not really looking at each other.
“Wilson was acting weird today,” Chase said after a few moments. Foreman and Cameron looked at him. “Weirder than usual, that is.”
“I think he finally realized he has a big crush on House,” Foreman said. Cameron gaped at him. Chase rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, Foreman. They’re just friends,” Chase said.
“They’re flirting all the time,” Foreman countered.
Chase had heard this all before. Multiple times. “I’ve heard your case for the big gay conspiracy before.”
“It makes sense!” Foreman said. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the intimate standing.” Foreman added a finger point to strengthen his claim.
Cameron was staring at them strangely. “Intimate standing?” Cameron had never been there for the big gay conspiracy discussions. Mostly because Chase and Foreman were afraid she would cry.
Foreman turned to Cameron. “Okay, so say we’re looking through the window at a patient. How close would you stand to me?” Chase let out a world-weary sigh. Foreman glared, then stood and gestured for Cameron to stand next to her. She did. There was about a foot gap between them. Foreman smiled. “This is a friendly distance. This is friendly standing.”
Cameron looked confused. “Okay...”
“Now, if I were to stand here,” Foreman continued. He closed the gap so their shoulders were almost touching. “How would you feel about that?”
“A little uncomfortable.”
Foreman stepped back a half step and slid so their shoulders were parallel. “And here?”
“More uncomfortable,” Cameron said, shrugging. Foreman didn’t move. After a few seconds she said, “Could you please move?”
Foreman grinned at Chase, like he had made a point. “She could feel uncomfortable because you’re acting like a crazy person,” Chase said.
“You feel uncomfortable because we aren’t intimate. This is intimate standing.” Foreman, having made his point, sat back down.
Cameron still looked a little confused. “So because House and Wilson stand really close to each other, they must be having sex?”
“No. They want to have sex.”
“I...you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Cameron said.
“He’s obsessed,” Chase agreed. “He has a notebook.”
“You’re just jealous because you didn’t figure it out first,” Foreman said, looking like he wanted to stick his tongue out at Chase.
“You have a notebook?” Cameron exclaimed.
Foreman shrugged. “It’s interesting.”
“It’s insane,” Chase said.
Cameron was still having problems with this whole conversation. “Just because they stand intimately doesn’t have to mean anything. They’ve know each other forever, which would create a different comfort zone than with other people.”
“But that doesn’t account for the flirting,” Foreman said.
“I flirt with my friends,” Cameron said. It was almost a whine.
Foreman crossed his arms and tilted his head at her. “You’re a girl.”
“Guy friends flirt too! Don’t they?” Cameron asked.
“No,” said Foreman.
“Yes,” said Chase at the same time. All eyes were on Chase. “What?” Foreman smirked. “Oh. No.” Foreman smirked harder. “Stop that.” Foreman started to giggle. It was a terrifying sound.
***
Tara Cookson halfheartedly watched whatever was on the televison. She wasn’t exactly sure what it was, just that is wasn’t interesting. Katie seemed to feel the same way, because she was amusing herself by tapping out rhythms on Tara’s un-rashed arm. Tara wasn’t too thrilled about that either, but she endured it. Who knows what Katie would do then. Well, she’s probably find a way to harass her doctor and his ‘boyfriend’. Which would be amusing, but there was the very real possibility Katie would get kicked out of the hospital.
Whatever medication they had given her a few minutes before seemed to be working though, because the pain in her chest was going away and she thought her rash looked better. It was probably her imagination though. “We were supposed to be watching Rent tonight,” Tara said. She’d probably said it a few times already.
“Thank God you got sick,” Katie said.
“Whore,” Tara replied, more reflex than anything.
“I wouldn’t have been able to take it. I would have poked out my eyes and ruptured my eardrums to save myself.”
“I’m devastated. I was so looking forward to that part of the evening.” Tara focused back on the TV and found nothing interesting had happened. “I think you scared all my doctors away. They aren’t visiting anymore.”
Katie smiled. “I didn’t think it’d be so easy.”
“I didn’t think you’d attack Doctor Foreman.”
“I didn’t attack him.”
“Then you molested him.”
“I molested his head.”
“Why stop there?”
Tara glanced toward the door and noticed that Doctor House had returned. She waved. “Hey.” It was then that Tara realized that House had his hand wrapped possessively around an elbow. She could feel a smile forming on her face. The owner of said elbow seemed to be resisting, until House gave a forceful tug.
“Rash and Seizure Girl, Tall and Crazy Girl, this is Doctor Wilson,” House said, pulling the other doctor into the center of the room. Tara couldn’t resist clapping a little.
Doctor Wilson, who looked very much like he didn’t want to be there, talked lowly to House, though Tara could hear it just fine. “Do you really have to call them that to their faces? It’s rude.”
“They don’t mind. Do you , Tall and Crazy?”
Katie shook her head, “No, that’s actually a pretty fair assessment of my personality.”
“Rash and Seizure Girl?” Tara shrugged. House gave Wilson a winning smile. “See?”
“I see that they are as psychopathic as you are,” Wilson said in a stage whisper.
“They’re bickering!” Katie exclaimed excitedly. Wilson rubbed at his forehead and looked at the ground.
House slid his hand down Wilson’s arm and wiggled his fingers until he had managed to twine them with Wilson’s. “So,” House said, looking back and forth from Katie to Tara, “ final verdict?”
Katie let out a little squeal that may have been “So hot!” Tara just smiled widely and nodded. Wilson started blushing and tried to pull his hand away, without much success, eventually having to say, “Will you please let go of me?” through clenched teeth. Even then, House made a big show of looking like a kicked puppy before relinquishing Wilson’s hand.
“He’s just shy,” House said, punctuating the words by patting Wilson’s shoulder.
“Well, it’s very endearing,” Tara replied.
“And don’t let him fool you, he’s a tiger in the sack,” House added.
That was the point where Wilson seemed to lose it. Whatever it was. But he lost it. He pulled away from House, looked around the room as if the answers were written on the walls and finally settled on House. The answer wasn’t there either apparently, or it wasn’t the answer he wanted, because he said “I can’t do this,” and left.
“I think you broke him,” Katie said after a few moments of awkward silence.
“And he was so pretty,” Tara added mournfully.
House contemplated, staring at the door. “Huh.” Then, “Which one of you is more of an expert on homoeroticism?”
Tara and Katie looked at each other. “Well, I’m actually gay,” Tara said, “but Katie reads more fanfiction.”
“If this were fanfiction,” Katie helpfully said, “you would run after him and then there would be kissing. Lots of it. In naughty places.”
“You know what, Tall and Crazy, I think I’ll try and handle this on my own,” House replied.
“But my way has kissing,” Katie reminded him.
“How do you know mine doesn’t?”
“Touche.”
House turned to leave. “Hey,” Tara called out. He paused. “Thanks for fixing me. And stuff.” House didn’t answer. “I still think your cane is dashing.” With a tiny smirk, House was gone.
“What did you say to that poor man?” Tara asked when she was sure House was out of hearing range.
Katie shrugged. “Nothing.” Tara tilted her head accusingly. “I may have implied he was gay.”
“Katie.”
“But he is!”
“You don’t know that!”
Katie sighed. “But they’re so cute.”
“Do you really have to do this everywhere we go?”
“I’m sorry if I have a talent.”
Tara rolled her eyes. “Seeing gay men everywhere you go isn’t a talent.”
“It is if you do it right,” Katie said, a huge smile spreading on her face.
***
Doctor Allison Cameron wasn’t sure what losing your mind felt like, but she thought it must be a lot like this. After Chase and Foreman had started arguing back and forth about what exactly constituted as flirting between two men, Cameron had to get out of there. She had grabbed the test results and was determined to find House. Not, she kept telling herself, to in some way prove Foreman wrong. She was just doing her job.
As she was passing by, she decided to check up on Tara. She refused to call her Rash and Seizure Girl. It was just mean. When Cameron entered the room, Tara and Katie were watching the televison intently. “How are you feeling?” Cameron asked, noticing that House had already started Tara on the correct medication.
“Better,” Tara replied, “and Six Feet Under is on. Life is good. Does the hospital get Showtime too? The L Word is on tonight.”
“Tara’s big on homosexuality in the media,” Katie told Cameron.
“So are you!” Tara shot at her.
“But I like gay men. You’re obsessed with lesbians.”
“Maybe because I am one.”
Katie grinned a little wickedly. “Maybe Doctor Cameron...”
“Would like you to shut your mouth,” Tara finished, giving Katie a look that obviously meant shut up or I’ll kill you.
“You know, Doctor Cameron, Tara was telling me earlier how much she liked your highlights. She thinks they bring out your eyes.”
“Don’t make me bring your eyes out of your head,” Tara said dangerously.
Cameron was starting to think this wasn’t the best idea. “Since you seem to be feeling better, I’m going to...” she started, inching toward the door.
“Wait!” Katie called. Cameron stopped. “Could you tell Doctor Wilson I’m sorry I implied he was gay? Apparently, that’s not a compliment to some people.”
“You told Wilson he was gay?” Cameron asked, incredulous.
“No. I implied it. Very strongly,” Katie explained.
“Why?” Cameron felt compelled to ask, though she wasn’t completely sure she wanted to hear the answer.
Katie appeared to take great joy in relating her tale. “Because of the homoerotic tension between him and Doctor House.”
Cameron was right. She didn’t want to hear this. “I...have to...bye,” Cameron said and left.
“See what you do to people?” Cameron could hear Tara say as the door closed. Cameron decided not to think about the past few minutes and headed for House’s office. She decided to take the stairs, because the past few times she stepped out of elevators, she saw things she didn’t want to, like House hanging off of Wilson’s arm. Plus, it would give her a few extra minutes to push some of the thoughts running though her mind away.
So, of course, she ran into the one person she really didn’t want to see. James Wilson was sitting on the steps, lost in thought. Cameron clutched her file to her chest and felt angsty. Which was normal, but today more than usual. And while a big part of her wanted to simply keep walking, she couldn’t do that. Because Wilson looked sad and Cameron had a crusade against that emotion. “Hey,” she said in greeting and sat down next to him.
He sighed. “I’m really not in the mood for...”
“Oh. Sorry. I can go.”
Wilson shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, I...it’s been a rough day.”
“Do you want to talk about it at all?”
“Not in the least.” Wilson gave her a small forced smile.
Cameron just sat next to him in silence, believing that simply being there was helping. That was the kind of girl she was. She had been unsuccessful in pushing away all of her errant thoughts, though, and one of them popped out of her mouth before she could stop it. “Are you in love with House?”
The reaction was violent and immediate. Wilson stood up swiftly and furiously ran a hand through his hair. “What is wrong with this hospital today?” He started pacing back and forth on the landing, looking just a little insane. “Did someone put a sign up, ‘Attack Wilson Day’?”
“It’s okay if you are,” Cameron said.
Wilson grinned unhappily at her. “No it’s not. That would be the opposite of okay.” Wilson laughed a little hysterically. “And it shouldn’t be an issue because...because I’m not in love with House. It’s...I can’t even find the right word to describe it.”
Cameron took a deep breath. “Then why are you getting so worked up about it?”
Wilson rubbed his face with one hand. “That’s what I can’t figure out.”
“Or you don’t want to,” Cameron added softly.
Wilson paused. “There is that,” he said, shoulders slumping.
Cameron stood and patted Wilson shoulder reassuringly. “It’ll be okay.”
“Right. Because House can be so delicate with other people’s feelings,” Wilson said, a little bitterness in his voice. “I’m just going to go home.”
By the time Cameron found her voice to say goodbye, Wilson was already gone. Cameron turned and finished climbing the stairs. She found House sitting at his desk, playing his game boy. “She has lupus,” Cameron said, pushing the test results at him. He didn’t look at them.
“I knew that. Already started treatment.” Cameron put her hands on her hips. House looked at her. “Why are you still here?”
“What did you do to Wilson?”
House put the game boy down swiftly. “You saw him?”
“In the stairwell.”
“That bastard. Of course he’s hiding in the stairwell,” House grabbed for his cane which was hanging on the edge of his desk.
“He left. What did you do to him?”
House slumped in his seat. “They started it.”
Cameron didn’t need to ask who they were. “And you just went ahead and tormented him with it. What a great friend you are.”
“It was funny. Wilson needs to lighten...”
“He’s in love with you, House,” Cameron cut him off.
There wasn’t a violent reaction, which Cameron had expected. Instead, House popped a few vicodin, closed his eyes and sighed. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Rash and Crazy.”
“I think you’ve been spending too much time with your head up your ass,” Cameron said. “Don’t play with him if you don’t mean it.”
That seemed to hit him. He opened his eyes fixed Cameron with his gaze. “I do.”
“Oh,” was all Cameron could think to say.
***
Wilson didn’t quite make it home. He made it to the next landing before running into Chase and Foreman who were locked in an intense conversation. When they saw him, they both stopped and looked a little guilty. “Are you going to say I’m in love with House too?” Foreman shook his head. Chase’s eyebrows ran to meet his hairline. “Good,” Wilson said before pushing past them.
He wasn’t sure how he ended up in Rash and Seizure Girl’s room, but he did. Her friend was sleeping, sprawled in what he thought was a very uncomfortable position across a few chairs. Rash and Seizure Girl was awake and smiled at him. “Hi,” she said softly. Wilson didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. “You...wanna sit down or something?”
Wilson found himself pulling up a chair. He wasn’t sure why. “So.”
“I’m Tara,” the girl said after a semi-awkward pause. “If you don’t want to call me Rash and Seizure.”
“How does it work?” Wilson asked. He didn’t even know exactly what it meant. But she seemed to.
“It doesn’t a lot of the time,” Tara said. “Sometimes it does though.”
“Has it for you?”
Tara sighed. “Not yet.”
Wilson sighed too. “Doesn’t look too good for me then.”
“You’re such a dork,” Tara said, grinning. “He’s obviously crazy about you.”
“Are you and your friend...” Wilson went on, deciding to ignore what Tara had just said.
“Together?” Wilson nodded. “ Katie?” Tara suppressed a laugh. “No. We’re just insanely close friends.”
“What if you wanted it to be different?” Wilson asked.
“Like sexy different?” Tara smirked.
“For example.” Wilson could feel blood rushing to his face.
“Then you make it different.”
Wilson sighed. “That’s too easy.”
“Why does it have to be hard?” Tara smiled at him, like it really was the easiest thing in the world. Something seemed to occur to her and her smile grew. “Well, unless we’re the actual logistics of...well then, you know. Hard would be good. Not that I know too much about that...”
Wilson knew he must be bright red. “You are a strange person.”
“I’m also wise beyond my years.”
“Or you’re crazy.”
Tara smiled. “That too. But you’re the one who came here for advice.”
Katie stirred in her bed of seats. She sat up blearily, saw Wilson and grinned. “Sorry I called you gay,” she said, as delicately as Katie said anything.
Wilson shrugged. “Someone had to do it.”
Katie poked Tara’s arm. “Told you. In your face.”
“Ow,” Tara said. “Quit it.” Katie poked her again. “Slut.”
“Vacuous whore.”
“You know,” Wilson said, suddenly uncomfortable, “I’m going to go.”
Katie somehow immediately appeared at his side. Wilson bit back a yelp of surprise. “Can I touch your hair?”
Wilson, who’s day was strange enough as it was, wasn’t really phased. “Okay.”
Katie grinned triumphantly and stuck her fingers into his hair. “Your hair is very soft,” she said. “I think I like it better than the Australian guy’s hair.”
Wilson laughed. “Don’t tell him that. He’ll be crushed.”
***
House was restless when he came into work the next day. He hadn’t really slept that night. Which wasn’t out of the ordinary, but it seemed worse than usual. When he walked into the conference room, the ducklings were sitting around, sipping coffee and doing crossword puzzles. House sat down and pulled a crossword to him, setting his cane to rest on the edge of the table. Cameron glanced at him, the look on her face somewhere between sympathy and frustration. Chase’s usually perfect hair was out of order again, and House guessed he had gone to visit Rash and Seizure Girl that morning. Foreman grinned at him. House thought that was the most out of character and settled on that. “What? Is there something in my teeth?” Foreman didn’t say anything. He continued to grin. That was when House noticed that there were more people in the room. Specifically, Tall and Crazy Girl and her sidekick, Rash and Seizure. Or maybe Tall and Crazy was the sidekick. It was hard to tell. They were hiding pretty ineffectually behind the white board. Rash and Seizure was holding her IV bag in her hand. “What are they doing here?”
“Favor,” Rash and Seizure said. And she swooped forward, surprisingly fast for someone who’d been having a hell of a lupus breakout the other day, and grabbed his cane.
“Hey...” House started to protest, but then Tall and Crazy descended on him and rubbed his head vigorously. Then they both took off down the hall. House hardly knew what had happened to him. It took him a few moments to realize that his team was laughing at him. “You’re fired,” he said, his tone dangerous enough that they all shut up. “Chase. Go get my cane. Foreman, get me coffee. Cameron...do something somewhere else.”
The team dispersed. House did a few crosswords before Chase returned. He didn’t have House’s cane. “Where...” House started.
Chase lifted his hands. “They’re insane. She kept hitting me in the shins with it.”
“You couldn’t overpower a sick girl?”
Chase started to pout. “She’s stronger than you’d think.”
House was starting to get frustrated. “Then go get me a new cane. Stop being worthless.” Chase left again after working up a tremendous pout. Tired of sitting in the conference room, House made his way, greatly slowed by the lack of his cane, into his office. There were two things wrong. The first was that his cane was resting across the desk. On closer inspection, it wasn’t his cane. It was similar, but it looked newer.
The second thing was that there was a box on his desk that he knew he didn’t put there. He didn’t see it right away, because it was nestled it between a pile of paperwork and his lupus textbook. It was covered in plain blue wrapping paper. There wasn’t a note. House sat down and tore into it.
It was a corsage.
House was so surprised he almost dropped it. Then he smiled and pinned it on the lapel of his coat. In another minute, he had gone out onto the balcony, awkwardly hopped the barrier and barged into Wilson’s office.
Wilson hardly even looked up. “I made us a reservation. Italian, booth in the back. Candlelight. I’m not big on the violins.” House was oddly unable to make his brain do anything. “House. Your mouth is hanging open.”
“Are you taking me on a date?” House said finally. Wilson chose not to answer. Then it dawned on him. “You got those girls to assault me.”
“They are actually quite charming.” Wilson gave House a small smile and started marking on his papers again. House sat down, and twirled his cane in his hands. “I hardly had to pay them.”
“You paid them?”
“Just a little. And Tara gets to keep your cane. She’s attached. She named it Housie after you,” Wilson looked like he wanted to laugh but suppressed it.
“Did you pay her to hit Chase with it too?”
Wilson did laugh then. “No. I guess that’s just a bonus.” Wilson kept working on his charts like House wasn’t sitting across from him, staring at him.
“Are you taking me on a date?” House asked again, this time his voice betraying a hint of emotion. Wilson again ignored it. House adjusted the corsage on his lapel. “You’re being very annoying,” House observed.
“That’s what I was trying for,” Wilson murmured. “I’m glad that I’m succeeding.”
“You can’t keep it up forever, you know.”
Wilson looked up at him and grinned. “Try me.”
Precisely three minutes passed before House asked again. “Are you taking me on a date?”
“Do you really think I’m going to answer you this time?”
House grumbled a little. “You aren’t as charming as you think you are.”
“Yes I am,” Wilson countered, adding a sweet smile.
House hated him a little because he was right. He rested his chin on the handle of his cane. “I had a plan.”
“I’m sure it was very good,” Wilson said in his placating voice.
“You’re screwing it up,” House replied sounding like a petulant child.
Wilson looked at him. “Oh. I’m sorry. Go ahead.” House glared. “No, really. I’ll stop. Continue.”
“Not cute,” House said firmly.
“Yes I am,” Wilson said again.
House sighed and felt like he should go outside, re-group and try again. “You’re being difficult.”
“It’s not so fun from that end, is it?”
“This is some elaborate plot for revenge.”
“Nice to see you’re catching on,” Wilson said, finally closing up the charts he had been pouring over and putting them away.
House always had a backup. A phrase he could fire off if nothing else was getting a rise out of people. He had a good one this time. He had wanted to save this one for a little longer, but he had nothing else. “A lot of people are saying you’re in love with me.”
“Then it must be true,” Wilson said, with a surprising amount of calm.
House was very close to babbling, something he never did, so he kept his mouth closed, and let his eyebrows move over his face in varying degrees of shock, anger and awe. He was in a unique position that he had only been in several times in his adult life. He was not in control of the situation. It was possibly the most frustrating thing he had ever experienced. The fact that it was also turning him on was really irrelevant.
So when House reached across the desk, grabbed Wilson’s tie, hauled him forward and kissed him, it was all about getting control of the situation. Not at all about that other thing. As far as kisses go, House thought it was going extremely well. But then Wilson started laughing, which wasn’t really the effect he had been going for. House pulled away, but didn’t let go of Wilson’s tie. “What?”
“I’m sorry,” Wilson said, trying to get his giggles under control. “Your stubble is tickling me.” The day was turning into a total utter disaster. House let go of Wilson’s tie. He stood up and walked toward the door. “Oh, come on, House.” Wilson walked over to him and put a hand on House’s arm. Which was what House was hoping would happen. He grabbed Wilson’s shoulders and whipped him up against the nearest wall. For the first time today, Wilson looked unsure. House smiled.
When House kissed Wilson for the second time, no one laughed. No one seemed to breathe either, because when it was over they were both panting for air. House decided he liked how Wilson looked with his hair mussed up, eyes bright and lips swollen. “Are you taking me on a date?” House asked, inches away from Wilson’s face.
“Yes,” Wilson replied, almost instantly.
“Good,” House said, then turned toward the door, grabbing his cane from where he had leaned it against the wall.
“Where are you going?”
“To work.”
“Really?” Wilson said, then kicked House’s cane out from under him. House would have fallen over if Wilson hadn’t been there to catch him.
“That was uncalled for.” Wilson just smirked. “Get my cane.”
“In a few minutes.” Which meant there was more kissing, which House really didn’t mind.
***
Katie Combs tried to slyly grab the cane lying across Tara’s lap, but Tara slapped her hand away. “This is mine. You don’t get to touch it.”
“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have it,” Katie said.
“True. You still aren’t touching it.” Tara hugged the cane, which was an odd sight. But Tara was always hugging weird things, so it wasn’t really that odd.
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
The female doctor with the breasts came through the door, and Tara brightened. And possibly drooled a little. “Hi Doctor Cuddy,” Tara said brightly.
Katie rolled her eyes. “Stop ogling.”
“I’m not ogling.”
“You are a little,” Cuddy said.
Tara blushed. “Sorry.”
Doctor Cuddy smiled warmly. “How are you?”
“I have lupus,” Tara replied, like she was saying she had a puppy.
Cuddy faltered slightly. “That’s...good.”
“Yep. I can leave soon. When my kidneys do something or stop doing something. I wasn’t paying that much attention.”
“Is that House’s cane?” Cuddy asked, surprise in her voice.
Tara grinned. “Souvenir. You aren’t going to try and take it are you? I really don’t want to have to hit you.”
Doctor Cuddy chuckled. “No, it’s alright.” Cuddy walked to the windows separating Tara’s room from the rest of the hospital and pulled the blinds closed. Then she reached into her coat, pulled out an envelope and handed it to Katie. “Thanks for your help.”
“No problem. It was the most entertaining way to spend time,” Katie said, while she flicked through the envelope. “Did it work?”
Cuddy looked about to answer, but House hobbled into the room then. “Rash and Seizure Girl,” he said menacingly. Tara hugged the cane tighter. Katie sat on the envelope. House noticed Cuddy. “What are you doing here?”
“Checking up on you,” Cuddy said. “You know, this may be the only patient you’ve had that doesn’t have a complaint about you.”
“Oh she will,” House said. Tara’s fingers were white around the cane. “Which is why I have to ask you to leave.”
Cuddy sighed. “You kill her, I’m firing you,” she said, smiled at Tara and left. Tara looked like she was going to drool on her brand new cane.
“Empty threats,” House called after her. Then he turned to Tara. “Give me my cane back.”
“No. I stole it fair and square,” Tara said. “And Wilson said I could keep it.”
“It wasn’t Wilson’s to give.”
“But it was mine to take. And I did.”
“Pretty corsage,” Katie interrupted. It was pretty, if a little smashed.
House smiled. “Isn’t it?”
“Hot date?”
“Hotter than you’d think,” House replied with a leer.
Katie grinned. “I have a pretty active imagination.”
Tara seemed to think her cane wasn’t in danger anymore and loosened her grip. House saw and made a grab for it. Tara was ridiculously quick and had it over her head, ready for a slicing motion into House’s good leg. “Don’t make me.”
House grinned. “Keep it. As long as you promise to hit Chase with it again.”
“I wouldn’t think of doing anything else.”
House sat down in a chair by the window. “How much did Wilson pay you?”
“Not as much as Cuddy,” Katie heard herself saying.
Tara smacked her. “Katie, what are you doing?” she hissed.
“Cuddy paid you?”
Katie smirked. “Yeah. She heard what I said to Wilson and hired me to do all that was in my power to get you and Wilson together. You’re constant homoerotic tension was getting on her nerves.”
“She’s just jealous because she’s not invited,” House said.
“Or she thinks you’ll be less annoying when you’re getting some,” said Wilson who was leaning in the doorway.
House leered at Wilson. “She’ll be wrong.”
“I know. But let her have her delusions for a little while longer.” Wilson smiled at House. House smiled back. Katie and Tara looked at each other.
“You totally just had sex!” Katie exclaimed.
Wilson blushed and looked at the floor. “Thank you for shouting.”
“Oh like anyone’s going to be surprised,” House said, standing and joining Wilson by the door. “Foreman keeps a notebook of our interactions. There’s an interesting section on the motives of food stealing.”
“That’s...frightening.”
“He and Chase talk about it all the time when they think I can’t hear them.”
Wilson smirked. “So this is one of those things where I’m the last to know?”
“Basically,” House said. “Let’s go make out in the clinic. Give Cuddy a show.”
“Can’t I have a show?” Katie asked innocently. “Since all of this is my fault.”
“I helped,” Tara interjected.
“The only way you helped was by getting lupus.”
“If it wasn’t for my lupus, we wouldn’t be here,” Tara said.
“If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t be in New Jersey,” Katie said.
“Slut.”
“Vacuous whore.”
“Hey. Rash and Seizure, Tall and Crazy,” House cut in. “Shut up.” And they did, because he had grabbed Wilson’s hand. Wilson narrowed his eyes and shook his head slightly. House stuck his lower lip out.
“You are pathetic,” Wilson said.
“And?” House prodded hopefully.
“You’re a dirty old man.”
“And?”
“I’ll probably kiss you anyway.” And he did.
The End
That's all. Katie. Muah. Much love.
~Tarasita
P.S. Still insane. Join me. It's fun.
How House Lost His Cane
or
It's Never...Until It Is
Part Two
James Wilson was still mostly mortified when House entered his office. He silently lamented that he didn’t have a deadbolt. “Her pee’s brown!” House said by way of greeting.
Wilson blinked. “I’m so happy for you both.”
“Her kidneys are failing,” House added by way of clarification.
“I, too, went to medical school.” Wilson couldn’t bring himself to look House in the eye, so he kept his eyes on the piles of paperwork on his desk. “Figure it out yet?”
He caught House’s smile out of the corner of his eye. “Yep.” Wilson waited.
“Are you going to tell me?”
“Nope.” House sat in the chair opposite Wilson and put his feet up on the desk, right in the middle of Wilson’s paperwork. Wilson shot him a look. House looked innocent. As best he could. “I’m homoerotic guy.”
Wilson sputtered a little before he choked out, “What?”
“My patient called me the homoerotic guy. Catchy. I wonder if I can get it stenciled on my door.”
Wilson tried to grasp the situation. “She...”
“Apparently,” House continued, “Rash and Seizure Girl and her girlfriend, Tall and Crazy Girl, are very big on gay love.”
“I...” Wilson started, but stopped again, because he didn’t have anything to say beyond incoherent babbling.
“I saw you with Tall and Crazy earlier. Let me see if I can remember her exact reaction...”
“She said I was gay,” Wilson interrupted, punctuating it by throwing his hands in the air.
House cocked an eyebrow. “Are you?”
“No!” Wilson cried, perhaps a bit to forcefully.
“Then what’s the problem?” House was laughing with his eyes.
Wilson put his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”
“I was talking to Tall and Crazy, and she seemed to think that we would make a very cute couple.”
Still behind his hands, Wilson said, “Tall and Crazy would think any two men together would be a cute couple.”
“You don’t know that,” House scolded. “She might be very picky about which men she thinks should have sex. Rash and Seizure wanted to meet you so she could make her own decision. But she thought my cane was dashing.”
“I’m glad. Her kidneys are failing and she likes your cane. You’re a perfect match.”
“Well, we would be, but she’s gay.”
“Terrible.” Wilson finally looked up. “Why are you still here?”
House sighed. “I need to parade you in front of Rash and Seizure Girl. I told you that.”
“Why, exactly?”
“Because it’s fun!”
Wilson rubbed his temples. “Maybe for you. I have to do paperwork and try to get my mind to work the right way again.”
House stood and grabbed Wilson’s arm, hauling him up. “Come, lover, we’re off.” To complete the image House was trying to make, he linked his arm with Wilson’s as the reached the elevator.
“Please, House. Please don’t make me talk to her again,” Wilson pleaded.
“You don’t have to say anything. Just look pretty.”
The doors to the elevator slid open, and the ducklings stood there. Chase seemed to finally have gotten his hair back in order, but still seemed a little pouty. “House, she was negative for...”
“Run an ANA. Oh, and check her kidney functions. Just for laughs,” House said, pushing his team back into the elevator.
“But you said she doesn’t...” was all Cameron could get out before the doors slid shut again.
Wilson laughed suddenly. “Really?”
“Yeah. Isn’t it peachy?” House grinned back at Wilson and tightened his grip on Wilson’s arm slightly. House pushed the elevator button again, and this time an empty elevator greeted them.
“You realize this can’t be good for my psyche,” Wilson said as House pulled him into the elevator.
“Isn’t it great how I don’t care?”
***
Robert Chase twirled on his stool in the lab. Despite the fact that his hair was now back in order, he felt the need to pout coming back. “He called me retarded,” Chase said.
“I was there,” Foreman said, pulling out the materials to run the ANA test.
“He’s never called you retarded.”
“But he is always being racist.”
Cameron sighed. “Could we just run the tests?”
“You’re still mad because he threw the ball at you,” Foreman said. “You know,” Foreman told her lowly, “if he starts pulling your hair, then you know he likes you.”
“Really?” Cameron said. Chase stopped pouting long enough to laugh. Foreman grinned. Cameron flushed and looked at the floor. “It’s not funny.”
“Yes it is,” Chase said, before fully committing to his pout again.
“It’s positive,” Foreman said. Both Chase and Cameron went to peer over his shoulders.
“No it isn’t,” Chase said, though what he was seeing meant exactly the opposite.
Cameron shook her head. “Unbelievable.”
The three of them looked at the test results for a little longer. “Who wants to tell him?” Foreman asked.
“I’m not. He’ll find some way to laugh at me about it,” Chase said.
“Well, I don’t want to,” Cameron said.
“Oh fine,” Foreman said. But he didn’t move. They all sat there, not really looking at each other.
“Wilson was acting weird today,” Chase said after a few moments. Foreman and Cameron looked at him. “Weirder than usual, that is.”
“I think he finally realized he has a big crush on House,” Foreman said. Cameron gaped at him. Chase rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, Foreman. They’re just friends,” Chase said.
“They’re flirting all the time,” Foreman countered.
Chase had heard this all before. Multiple times. “I’ve heard your case for the big gay conspiracy before.”
“It makes sense!” Foreman said. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the intimate standing.” Foreman added a finger point to strengthen his claim.
Cameron was staring at them strangely. “Intimate standing?” Cameron had never been there for the big gay conspiracy discussions. Mostly because Chase and Foreman were afraid she would cry.
Foreman turned to Cameron. “Okay, so say we’re looking through the window at a patient. How close would you stand to me?” Chase let out a world-weary sigh. Foreman glared, then stood and gestured for Cameron to stand next to her. She did. There was about a foot gap between them. Foreman smiled. “This is a friendly distance. This is friendly standing.”
Cameron looked confused. “Okay...”
“Now, if I were to stand here,” Foreman continued. He closed the gap so their shoulders were almost touching. “How would you feel about that?”
“A little uncomfortable.”
Foreman stepped back a half step and slid so their shoulders were parallel. “And here?”
“More uncomfortable,” Cameron said, shrugging. Foreman didn’t move. After a few seconds she said, “Could you please move?”
Foreman grinned at Chase, like he had made a point. “She could feel uncomfortable because you’re acting like a crazy person,” Chase said.
“You feel uncomfortable because we aren’t intimate. This is intimate standing.” Foreman, having made his point, sat back down.
Cameron still looked a little confused. “So because House and Wilson stand really close to each other, they must be having sex?”
“No. They want to have sex.”
“I...you’ve put a lot of thought into this,” Cameron said.
“He’s obsessed,” Chase agreed. “He has a notebook.”
“You’re just jealous because you didn’t figure it out first,” Foreman said, looking like he wanted to stick his tongue out at Chase.
“You have a notebook?” Cameron exclaimed.
Foreman shrugged. “It’s interesting.”
“It’s insane,” Chase said.
Cameron was still having problems with this whole conversation. “Just because they stand intimately doesn’t have to mean anything. They’ve know each other forever, which would create a different comfort zone than with other people.”
“But that doesn’t account for the flirting,” Foreman said.
“I flirt with my friends,” Cameron said. It was almost a whine.
Foreman crossed his arms and tilted his head at her. “You’re a girl.”
“Guy friends flirt too! Don’t they?” Cameron asked.
“No,” said Foreman.
“Yes,” said Chase at the same time. All eyes were on Chase. “What?” Foreman smirked. “Oh. No.” Foreman smirked harder. “Stop that.” Foreman started to giggle. It was a terrifying sound.
***
Tara Cookson halfheartedly watched whatever was on the televison. She wasn’t exactly sure what it was, just that is wasn’t interesting. Katie seemed to feel the same way, because she was amusing herself by tapping out rhythms on Tara’s un-rashed arm. Tara wasn’t too thrilled about that either, but she endured it. Who knows what Katie would do then. Well, she’s probably find a way to harass her doctor and his ‘boyfriend’. Which would be amusing, but there was the very real possibility Katie would get kicked out of the hospital.
Whatever medication they had given her a few minutes before seemed to be working though, because the pain in her chest was going away and she thought her rash looked better. It was probably her imagination though. “We were supposed to be watching Rent tonight,” Tara said. She’d probably said it a few times already.
“Thank God you got sick,” Katie said.
“Whore,” Tara replied, more reflex than anything.
“I wouldn’t have been able to take it. I would have poked out my eyes and ruptured my eardrums to save myself.”
“I’m devastated. I was so looking forward to that part of the evening.” Tara focused back on the TV and found nothing interesting had happened. “I think you scared all my doctors away. They aren’t visiting anymore.”
Katie smiled. “I didn’t think it’d be so easy.”
“I didn’t think you’d attack Doctor Foreman.”
“I didn’t attack him.”
“Then you molested him.”
“I molested his head.”
“Why stop there?”
Tara glanced toward the door and noticed that Doctor House had returned. She waved. “Hey.” It was then that Tara realized that House had his hand wrapped possessively around an elbow. She could feel a smile forming on her face. The owner of said elbow seemed to be resisting, until House gave a forceful tug.
“Rash and Seizure Girl, Tall and Crazy Girl, this is Doctor Wilson,” House said, pulling the other doctor into the center of the room. Tara couldn’t resist clapping a little.
Doctor Wilson, who looked very much like he didn’t want to be there, talked lowly to House, though Tara could hear it just fine. “Do you really have to call them that to their faces? It’s rude.”
“They don’t mind. Do you , Tall and Crazy?”
Katie shook her head, “No, that’s actually a pretty fair assessment of my personality.”
“Rash and Seizure Girl?” Tara shrugged. House gave Wilson a winning smile. “See?”
“I see that they are as psychopathic as you are,” Wilson said in a stage whisper.
“They’re bickering!” Katie exclaimed excitedly. Wilson rubbed at his forehead and looked at the ground.
House slid his hand down Wilson’s arm and wiggled his fingers until he had managed to twine them with Wilson’s. “So,” House said, looking back and forth from Katie to Tara, “ final verdict?”
Katie let out a little squeal that may have been “So hot!” Tara just smiled widely and nodded. Wilson started blushing and tried to pull his hand away, without much success, eventually having to say, “Will you please let go of me?” through clenched teeth. Even then, House made a big show of looking like a kicked puppy before relinquishing Wilson’s hand.
“He’s just shy,” House said, punctuating the words by patting Wilson’s shoulder.
“Well, it’s very endearing,” Tara replied.
“And don’t let him fool you, he’s a tiger in the sack,” House added.
That was the point where Wilson seemed to lose it. Whatever it was. But he lost it. He pulled away from House, looked around the room as if the answers were written on the walls and finally settled on House. The answer wasn’t there either apparently, or it wasn’t the answer he wanted, because he said “I can’t do this,” and left.
“I think you broke him,” Katie said after a few moments of awkward silence.
“And he was so pretty,” Tara added mournfully.
House contemplated, staring at the door. “Huh.” Then, “Which one of you is more of an expert on homoeroticism?”
Tara and Katie looked at each other. “Well, I’m actually gay,” Tara said, “but Katie reads more fanfiction.”
“If this were fanfiction,” Katie helpfully said, “you would run after him and then there would be kissing. Lots of it. In naughty places.”
“You know what, Tall and Crazy, I think I’ll try and handle this on my own,” House replied.
“But my way has kissing,” Katie reminded him.
“How do you know mine doesn’t?”
“Touche.”
House turned to leave. “Hey,” Tara called out. He paused. “Thanks for fixing me. And stuff.” House didn’t answer. “I still think your cane is dashing.” With a tiny smirk, House was gone.
“What did you say to that poor man?” Tara asked when she was sure House was out of hearing range.
Katie shrugged. “Nothing.” Tara tilted her head accusingly. “I may have implied he was gay.”
“Katie.”
“But he is!”
“You don’t know that!”
Katie sighed. “But they’re so cute.”
“Do you really have to do this everywhere we go?”
“I’m sorry if I have a talent.”
Tara rolled her eyes. “Seeing gay men everywhere you go isn’t a talent.”
“It is if you do it right,” Katie said, a huge smile spreading on her face.
***
Doctor Allison Cameron wasn’t sure what losing your mind felt like, but she thought it must be a lot like this. After Chase and Foreman had started arguing back and forth about what exactly constituted as flirting between two men, Cameron had to get out of there. She had grabbed the test results and was determined to find House. Not, she kept telling herself, to in some way prove Foreman wrong. She was just doing her job.
As she was passing by, she decided to check up on Tara. She refused to call her Rash and Seizure Girl. It was just mean. When Cameron entered the room, Tara and Katie were watching the televison intently. “How are you feeling?” Cameron asked, noticing that House had already started Tara on the correct medication.
“Better,” Tara replied, “and Six Feet Under is on. Life is good. Does the hospital get Showtime too? The L Word is on tonight.”
“Tara’s big on homosexuality in the media,” Katie told Cameron.
“So are you!” Tara shot at her.
“But I like gay men. You’re obsessed with lesbians.”
“Maybe because I am one.”
Katie grinned a little wickedly. “Maybe Doctor Cameron...”
“Would like you to shut your mouth,” Tara finished, giving Katie a look that obviously meant shut up or I’ll kill you.
“You know, Doctor Cameron, Tara was telling me earlier how much she liked your highlights. She thinks they bring out your eyes.”
“Don’t make me bring your eyes out of your head,” Tara said dangerously.
Cameron was starting to think this wasn’t the best idea. “Since you seem to be feeling better, I’m going to...” she started, inching toward the door.
“Wait!” Katie called. Cameron stopped. “Could you tell Doctor Wilson I’m sorry I implied he was gay? Apparently, that’s not a compliment to some people.”
“You told Wilson he was gay?” Cameron asked, incredulous.
“No. I implied it. Very strongly,” Katie explained.
“Why?” Cameron felt compelled to ask, though she wasn’t completely sure she wanted to hear the answer.
Katie appeared to take great joy in relating her tale. “Because of the homoerotic tension between him and Doctor House.”
Cameron was right. She didn’t want to hear this. “I...have to...bye,” Cameron said and left.
“See what you do to people?” Cameron could hear Tara say as the door closed. Cameron decided not to think about the past few minutes and headed for House’s office. She decided to take the stairs, because the past few times she stepped out of elevators, she saw things she didn’t want to, like House hanging off of Wilson’s arm. Plus, it would give her a few extra minutes to push some of the thoughts running though her mind away.
So, of course, she ran into the one person she really didn’t want to see. James Wilson was sitting on the steps, lost in thought. Cameron clutched her file to her chest and felt angsty. Which was normal, but today more than usual. And while a big part of her wanted to simply keep walking, she couldn’t do that. Because Wilson looked sad and Cameron had a crusade against that emotion. “Hey,” she said in greeting and sat down next to him.
He sighed. “I’m really not in the mood for...”
“Oh. Sorry. I can go.”
Wilson shook his head. “No. I’m sorry, I...it’s been a rough day.”
“Do you want to talk about it at all?”
“Not in the least.” Wilson gave her a small forced smile.
Cameron just sat next to him in silence, believing that simply being there was helping. That was the kind of girl she was. She had been unsuccessful in pushing away all of her errant thoughts, though, and one of them popped out of her mouth before she could stop it. “Are you in love with House?”
The reaction was violent and immediate. Wilson stood up swiftly and furiously ran a hand through his hair. “What is wrong with this hospital today?” He started pacing back and forth on the landing, looking just a little insane. “Did someone put a sign up, ‘Attack Wilson Day’?”
“It’s okay if you are,” Cameron said.
Wilson grinned unhappily at her. “No it’s not. That would be the opposite of okay.” Wilson laughed a little hysterically. “And it shouldn’t be an issue because...because I’m not in love with House. It’s...I can’t even find the right word to describe it.”
Cameron took a deep breath. “Then why are you getting so worked up about it?”
Wilson rubbed his face with one hand. “That’s what I can’t figure out.”
“Or you don’t want to,” Cameron added softly.
Wilson paused. “There is that,” he said, shoulders slumping.
Cameron stood and patted Wilson shoulder reassuringly. “It’ll be okay.”
“Right. Because House can be so delicate with other people’s feelings,” Wilson said, a little bitterness in his voice. “I’m just going to go home.”
By the time Cameron found her voice to say goodbye, Wilson was already gone. Cameron turned and finished climbing the stairs. She found House sitting at his desk, playing his game boy. “She has lupus,” Cameron said, pushing the test results at him. He didn’t look at them.
“I knew that. Already started treatment.” Cameron put her hands on her hips. House looked at her. “Why are you still here?”
“What did you do to Wilson?”
House put the game boy down swiftly. “You saw him?”
“In the stairwell.”
“That bastard. Of course he’s hiding in the stairwell,” House grabbed for his cane which was hanging on the edge of his desk.
“He left. What did you do to him?”
House slumped in his seat. “They started it.”
Cameron didn’t need to ask who they were. “And you just went ahead and tormented him with it. What a great friend you are.”
“It was funny. Wilson needs to lighten...”
“He’s in love with you, House,” Cameron cut him off.
There wasn’t a violent reaction, which Cameron had expected. Instead, House popped a few vicodin, closed his eyes and sighed. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Rash and Crazy.”
“I think you’ve been spending too much time with your head up your ass,” Cameron said. “Don’t play with him if you don’t mean it.”
That seemed to hit him. He opened his eyes fixed Cameron with his gaze. “I do.”
“Oh,” was all Cameron could think to say.
***
Wilson didn’t quite make it home. He made it to the next landing before running into Chase and Foreman who were locked in an intense conversation. When they saw him, they both stopped and looked a little guilty. “Are you going to say I’m in love with House too?” Foreman shook his head. Chase’s eyebrows ran to meet his hairline. “Good,” Wilson said before pushing past them.
He wasn’t sure how he ended up in Rash and Seizure Girl’s room, but he did. Her friend was sleeping, sprawled in what he thought was a very uncomfortable position across a few chairs. Rash and Seizure Girl was awake and smiled at him. “Hi,” she said softly. Wilson didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say. “You...wanna sit down or something?”
Wilson found himself pulling up a chair. He wasn’t sure why. “So.”
“I’m Tara,” the girl said after a semi-awkward pause. “If you don’t want to call me Rash and Seizure.”
“How does it work?” Wilson asked. He didn’t even know exactly what it meant. But she seemed to.
“It doesn’t a lot of the time,” Tara said. “Sometimes it does though.”
“Has it for you?”
Tara sighed. “Not yet.”
Wilson sighed too. “Doesn’t look too good for me then.”
“You’re such a dork,” Tara said, grinning. “He’s obviously crazy about you.”
“Are you and your friend...” Wilson went on, deciding to ignore what Tara had just said.
“Together?” Wilson nodded. “ Katie?” Tara suppressed a laugh. “No. We’re just insanely close friends.”
“What if you wanted it to be different?” Wilson asked.
“Like sexy different?” Tara smirked.
“For example.” Wilson could feel blood rushing to his face.
“Then you make it different.”
Wilson sighed. “That’s too easy.”
“Why does it have to be hard?” Tara smiled at him, like it really was the easiest thing in the world. Something seemed to occur to her and her smile grew. “Well, unless we’re the actual logistics of...well then, you know. Hard would be good. Not that I know too much about that...”
Wilson knew he must be bright red. “You are a strange person.”
“I’m also wise beyond my years.”
“Or you’re crazy.”
Tara smiled. “That too. But you’re the one who came here for advice.”
Katie stirred in her bed of seats. She sat up blearily, saw Wilson and grinned. “Sorry I called you gay,” she said, as delicately as Katie said anything.
Wilson shrugged. “Someone had to do it.”
Katie poked Tara’s arm. “Told you. In your face.”
“Ow,” Tara said. “Quit it.” Katie poked her again. “Slut.”
“Vacuous whore.”
“You know,” Wilson said, suddenly uncomfortable, “I’m going to go.”
Katie somehow immediately appeared at his side. Wilson bit back a yelp of surprise. “Can I touch your hair?”
Wilson, who’s day was strange enough as it was, wasn’t really phased. “Okay.”
Katie grinned triumphantly and stuck her fingers into his hair. “Your hair is very soft,” she said. “I think I like it better than the Australian guy’s hair.”
Wilson laughed. “Don’t tell him that. He’ll be crushed.”
***
House was restless when he came into work the next day. He hadn’t really slept that night. Which wasn’t out of the ordinary, but it seemed worse than usual. When he walked into the conference room, the ducklings were sitting around, sipping coffee and doing crossword puzzles. House sat down and pulled a crossword to him, setting his cane to rest on the edge of the table. Cameron glanced at him, the look on her face somewhere between sympathy and frustration. Chase’s usually perfect hair was out of order again, and House guessed he had gone to visit Rash and Seizure Girl that morning. Foreman grinned at him. House thought that was the most out of character and settled on that. “What? Is there something in my teeth?” Foreman didn’t say anything. He continued to grin. That was when House noticed that there were more people in the room. Specifically, Tall and Crazy Girl and her sidekick, Rash and Seizure. Or maybe Tall and Crazy was the sidekick. It was hard to tell. They were hiding pretty ineffectually behind the white board. Rash and Seizure was holding her IV bag in her hand. “What are they doing here?”
“Favor,” Rash and Seizure said. And she swooped forward, surprisingly fast for someone who’d been having a hell of a lupus breakout the other day, and grabbed his cane.
“Hey...” House started to protest, but then Tall and Crazy descended on him and rubbed his head vigorously. Then they both took off down the hall. House hardly knew what had happened to him. It took him a few moments to realize that his team was laughing at him. “You’re fired,” he said, his tone dangerous enough that they all shut up. “Chase. Go get my cane. Foreman, get me coffee. Cameron...do something somewhere else.”
The team dispersed. House did a few crosswords before Chase returned. He didn’t have House’s cane. “Where...” House started.
Chase lifted his hands. “They’re insane. She kept hitting me in the shins with it.”
“You couldn’t overpower a sick girl?”
Chase started to pout. “She’s stronger than you’d think.”
House was starting to get frustrated. “Then go get me a new cane. Stop being worthless.” Chase left again after working up a tremendous pout. Tired of sitting in the conference room, House made his way, greatly slowed by the lack of his cane, into his office. There were two things wrong. The first was that his cane was resting across the desk. On closer inspection, it wasn’t his cane. It was similar, but it looked newer.
The second thing was that there was a box on his desk that he knew he didn’t put there. He didn’t see it right away, because it was nestled it between a pile of paperwork and his lupus textbook. It was covered in plain blue wrapping paper. There wasn’t a note. House sat down and tore into it.
It was a corsage.
House was so surprised he almost dropped it. Then he smiled and pinned it on the lapel of his coat. In another minute, he had gone out onto the balcony, awkwardly hopped the barrier and barged into Wilson’s office.
Wilson hardly even looked up. “I made us a reservation. Italian, booth in the back. Candlelight. I’m not big on the violins.” House was oddly unable to make his brain do anything. “House. Your mouth is hanging open.”
“Are you taking me on a date?” House said finally. Wilson chose not to answer. Then it dawned on him. “You got those girls to assault me.”
“They are actually quite charming.” Wilson gave House a small smile and started marking on his papers again. House sat down, and twirled his cane in his hands. “I hardly had to pay them.”
“You paid them?”
“Just a little. And Tara gets to keep your cane. She’s attached. She named it Housie after you,” Wilson looked like he wanted to laugh but suppressed it.
“Did you pay her to hit Chase with it too?”
Wilson did laugh then. “No. I guess that’s just a bonus.” Wilson kept working on his charts like House wasn’t sitting across from him, staring at him.
“Are you taking me on a date?” House asked again, this time his voice betraying a hint of emotion. Wilson again ignored it. House adjusted the corsage on his lapel. “You’re being very annoying,” House observed.
“That’s what I was trying for,” Wilson murmured. “I’m glad that I’m succeeding.”
“You can’t keep it up forever, you know.”
Wilson looked up at him and grinned. “Try me.”
Precisely three minutes passed before House asked again. “Are you taking me on a date?”
“Do you really think I’m going to answer you this time?”
House grumbled a little. “You aren’t as charming as you think you are.”
“Yes I am,” Wilson countered, adding a sweet smile.
House hated him a little because he was right. He rested his chin on the handle of his cane. “I had a plan.”
“I’m sure it was very good,” Wilson said in his placating voice.
“You’re screwing it up,” House replied sounding like a petulant child.
Wilson looked at him. “Oh. I’m sorry. Go ahead.” House glared. “No, really. I’ll stop. Continue.”
“Not cute,” House said firmly.
“Yes I am,” Wilson said again.
House sighed and felt like he should go outside, re-group and try again. “You’re being difficult.”
“It’s not so fun from that end, is it?”
“This is some elaborate plot for revenge.”
“Nice to see you’re catching on,” Wilson said, finally closing up the charts he had been pouring over and putting them away.
House always had a backup. A phrase he could fire off if nothing else was getting a rise out of people. He had a good one this time. He had wanted to save this one for a little longer, but he had nothing else. “A lot of people are saying you’re in love with me.”
“Then it must be true,” Wilson said, with a surprising amount of calm.
House was very close to babbling, something he never did, so he kept his mouth closed, and let his eyebrows move over his face in varying degrees of shock, anger and awe. He was in a unique position that he had only been in several times in his adult life. He was not in control of the situation. It was possibly the most frustrating thing he had ever experienced. The fact that it was also turning him on was really irrelevant.
So when House reached across the desk, grabbed Wilson’s tie, hauled him forward and kissed him, it was all about getting control of the situation. Not at all about that other thing. As far as kisses go, House thought it was going extremely well. But then Wilson started laughing, which wasn’t really the effect he had been going for. House pulled away, but didn’t let go of Wilson’s tie. “What?”
“I’m sorry,” Wilson said, trying to get his giggles under control. “Your stubble is tickling me.” The day was turning into a total utter disaster. House let go of Wilson’s tie. He stood up and walked toward the door. “Oh, come on, House.” Wilson walked over to him and put a hand on House’s arm. Which was what House was hoping would happen. He grabbed Wilson’s shoulders and whipped him up against the nearest wall. For the first time today, Wilson looked unsure. House smiled.
When House kissed Wilson for the second time, no one laughed. No one seemed to breathe either, because when it was over they were both panting for air. House decided he liked how Wilson looked with his hair mussed up, eyes bright and lips swollen. “Are you taking me on a date?” House asked, inches away from Wilson’s face.
“Yes,” Wilson replied, almost instantly.
“Good,” House said, then turned toward the door, grabbing his cane from where he had leaned it against the wall.
“Where are you going?”
“To work.”
“Really?” Wilson said, then kicked House’s cane out from under him. House would have fallen over if Wilson hadn’t been there to catch him.
“That was uncalled for.” Wilson just smirked. “Get my cane.”
“In a few minutes.” Which meant there was more kissing, which House really didn’t mind.
***
Katie Combs tried to slyly grab the cane lying across Tara’s lap, but Tara slapped her hand away. “This is mine. You don’t get to touch it.”
“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have it,” Katie said.
“True. You still aren’t touching it.” Tara hugged the cane, which was an odd sight. But Tara was always hugging weird things, so it wasn’t really that odd.
“I hate you.”
“I know.”
The female doctor with the breasts came through the door, and Tara brightened. And possibly drooled a little. “Hi Doctor Cuddy,” Tara said brightly.
Katie rolled her eyes. “Stop ogling.”
“I’m not ogling.”
“You are a little,” Cuddy said.
Tara blushed. “Sorry.”
Doctor Cuddy smiled warmly. “How are you?”
“I have lupus,” Tara replied, like she was saying she had a puppy.
Cuddy faltered slightly. “That’s...good.”
“Yep. I can leave soon. When my kidneys do something or stop doing something. I wasn’t paying that much attention.”
“Is that House’s cane?” Cuddy asked, surprise in her voice.
Tara grinned. “Souvenir. You aren’t going to try and take it are you? I really don’t want to have to hit you.”
Doctor Cuddy chuckled. “No, it’s alright.” Cuddy walked to the windows separating Tara’s room from the rest of the hospital and pulled the blinds closed. Then she reached into her coat, pulled out an envelope and handed it to Katie. “Thanks for your help.”
“No problem. It was the most entertaining way to spend time,” Katie said, while she flicked through the envelope. “Did it work?”
Cuddy looked about to answer, but House hobbled into the room then. “Rash and Seizure Girl,” he said menacingly. Tara hugged the cane tighter. Katie sat on the envelope. House noticed Cuddy. “What are you doing here?”
“Checking up on you,” Cuddy said. “You know, this may be the only patient you’ve had that doesn’t have a complaint about you.”
“Oh she will,” House said. Tara’s fingers were white around the cane. “Which is why I have to ask you to leave.”
Cuddy sighed. “You kill her, I’m firing you,” she said, smiled at Tara and left. Tara looked like she was going to drool on her brand new cane.
“Empty threats,” House called after her. Then he turned to Tara. “Give me my cane back.”
“No. I stole it fair and square,” Tara said. “And Wilson said I could keep it.”
“It wasn’t Wilson’s to give.”
“But it was mine to take. And I did.”
“Pretty corsage,” Katie interrupted. It was pretty, if a little smashed.
House smiled. “Isn’t it?”
“Hot date?”
“Hotter than you’d think,” House replied with a leer.
Katie grinned. “I have a pretty active imagination.”
Tara seemed to think her cane wasn’t in danger anymore and loosened her grip. House saw and made a grab for it. Tara was ridiculously quick and had it over her head, ready for a slicing motion into House’s good leg. “Don’t make me.”
House grinned. “Keep it. As long as you promise to hit Chase with it again.”
“I wouldn’t think of doing anything else.”
House sat down in a chair by the window. “How much did Wilson pay you?”
“Not as much as Cuddy,” Katie heard herself saying.
Tara smacked her. “Katie, what are you doing?” she hissed.
“Cuddy paid you?”
Katie smirked. “Yeah. She heard what I said to Wilson and hired me to do all that was in my power to get you and Wilson together. You’re constant homoerotic tension was getting on her nerves.”
“She’s just jealous because she’s not invited,” House said.
“Or she thinks you’ll be less annoying when you’re getting some,” said Wilson who was leaning in the doorway.
House leered at Wilson. “She’ll be wrong.”
“I know. But let her have her delusions for a little while longer.” Wilson smiled at House. House smiled back. Katie and Tara looked at each other.
“You totally just had sex!” Katie exclaimed.
Wilson blushed and looked at the floor. “Thank you for shouting.”
“Oh like anyone’s going to be surprised,” House said, standing and joining Wilson by the door. “Foreman keeps a notebook of our interactions. There’s an interesting section on the motives of food stealing.”
“That’s...frightening.”
“He and Chase talk about it all the time when they think I can’t hear them.”
Wilson smirked. “So this is one of those things where I’m the last to know?”
“Basically,” House said. “Let’s go make out in the clinic. Give Cuddy a show.”
“Can’t I have a show?” Katie asked innocently. “Since all of this is my fault.”
“I helped,” Tara interjected.
“The only way you helped was by getting lupus.”
“If it wasn’t for my lupus, we wouldn’t be here,” Tara said.
“If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t be in New Jersey,” Katie said.
“Slut.”
“Vacuous whore.”
“Hey. Rash and Seizure, Tall and Crazy,” House cut in. “Shut up.” And they did, because he had grabbed Wilson’s hand. Wilson narrowed his eyes and shook his head slightly. House stuck his lower lip out.
“You are pathetic,” Wilson said.
“And?” House prodded hopefully.
“You’re a dirty old man.”
“And?”
“I’ll probably kiss you anyway.” And he did.
The End
That's all. Katie. Muah. Much love.
~Tarasita
P.S. Still insane. Join me. It's fun.