Avengers Fic: The One Where Steve Learns About the Great War Between Star Wars and Star Trek
I wrote this for second_batgirl. She's had a rough time lately and I thought this might help her feel better. Writing it certainly helped me pull out of my bad place.
Warning: This is out of character, intentionally, and completey, utterly ridiculous. This is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form. It's crack, written for the fun of it, and meant to be 100% silly.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters nor any of the universes mentioned herein. Also, I love both Star Wars and Star Trek and probably couldn't pick a winner even if I had to. So yeah.
Clint came tearing out of the elevator and straight into what they had taken to using as the communal hang out room. Finding it full of pillows and furniture and comfy spots to rest, but utterly devoid of people, he slapped his hand over the intercom and demanded everybody join him as quickly as possible. He rocked on his heels while he waited. It didn’t take long. Most of them showed up breathless, but they were all there in under a minute.
“Look what I found!” He was vibrating with excitement and produced a small box from behind his back.
“Star Wars? You scared the piss out of me for STAR WARS?” Natasha glared at him.
“Not just Star Wars. It’s the entire remastered original trilogy on Blu-Ray.” She smacked the back of his head. Bruce was excited at least. He crowded to Clint’s other side and marveled at the small package.
“Just the original trilogy, right? Not the new ones?”
“They had the newer ones but I wasn’t about to spend money on them. This is just the original three.” Clint held it out so Bruce could touch it reverently.
“Please. That’s nothing.” Tony walked over to a wall and pressed a panel which slid to the side. It revealed row after row of dvds, blu-ray discs, and even some old VHS and laser discs. Clint merely quirked an eyebrow.
“Star Trek?” he asked. They’d had this discussion before, but he still couldn’t figure out why anybody would want that many copies of Star Trek, even if they did have that much disposable income to waste on it. Natasha, however, squealed like a little girl and abandoned him. He’d never heard her squeal before. It was deeply unsettling and he hoped to never hear it again.
“Oh my god, Tony, you have EVERYTHING.” She kneeled in front of the cabinet and let her fingers ghost over the spine of each case. “All the movies, the complete original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager… wait, where’s Enterprise?” she looked up at him and asked. He pointed to the bottom of the cabinet, four grey cases tucked to the side and out of the way.
“It’s only here because it’s Star Trek by name. I’ve never actually opened them.” He pointed out his five different copies of the original movie and that the dvd case was even signed by Leonard Nimoy himself. Natasha melted to malleable clay in front of his eyes and Clint thought maybe that reaction right there would be a good enough reason to own Star Trek.
“It still doesn’t compare to Star Wars.” Clint said, holding out his case. Tony rolled his eyes.
“Please. The tech is way better in Star Trek. And there’s so much more cannon. Besides, what does to Star Wars have that Star Trek doesn’t? Besides Leia in a gold bikini.”
“Han Solo!” Bruce and Clint both cried in unison. Clint smiled at Bruce, his new best friend.
“Oh? What about Uhura? Beverly Crusher? Janeway was Captain!” Natasha exclaimed.
“Yoda, we have.” Bruce replied. Clint liked him more and more each passing second.
“Spock. Bones. Data. Sisco. Miles O’Brien! Jean-Fucking-Luc Picard!” Tony exlaimed.
“The Millennium Falcon AND the Death Star.” Clint had him there, surely.
“The Enterprise. ALL of them.” Natasha chimed in.
“Darth Vader is the most recognizable villain ever.” Clint gave Bruce a high five. That was a good call.
“The Borg were scarier. We also have Klingons and Romulans and those lovely green dominatrix women. The entire Dominion War was storytelling gold.”
“We have lightsabers.” Clint crossed his arm. Nothing, not a single piece of tech in Star Trek, could compare to lightsabers. Tony looked at Natasha and she just shook her head, so he sighed and agreed.
“Okay, I concede that one single point. Lightsabers are cool.” Tony leaned against his wall and got a wistful look on his face. “Y’know, my mom took me to see Star Wars for my sixth birthday, and after that I tried to build a lightsaber. Spent months doing the research and finally started to assemble what I thought would work. I ended up blowing out the entire west wing of the summer house. But I discovered something valuable. Lightsaber tech is impossible. I could, technically, figure out the specifications for a warp core engine or teleporters. If I wanted to. And we already have communicators and I just invented the universal translator. At least with Star Trek, all the tech is possible. Eventually.”
They were a divided team, Bruce and Clint on one side, with Tony and Natasha on the other. Through the entire argument, Steve had remained silent. He sat in a chair, staring raptly at them all, munching on popcorn. Clint wasn’t sure where he had gotten it from, having not been anywhere near the kitchen, but there it was. They all turned to look at him.
“No! Keep going! This is fun,” he whined. Thor applauded loudly.
“Yes, this is quite gripping entertainment. Please do continue.”
“Well we’re stuck at an impasse here, guys.” Bruce pointed out. Tony bounced, just once.
“Be the deciding voice, Cap. Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?” Tony crossed his arms and Clint was pretty sure he was trying to sway Steve his way by standing with his hips angled towards the massive case of Star Trek. Clint was even tempted to change sides just by those hips alone. He hugged his blu-ray set and reminded himself that Star Wars was everything good and wonderful in the world.
“I’ve… never seen either. So I can’t say.” The room erupted in a cacophony of voices, everybody clambering to sell him on their particular favourite. Steve leaned away from the onslaught and Thor towered over them all menacingly. Clint could see his fingers twitch in the desire to call Mojlnir.
“We’ll just have to watch them.” Bruce finally decided.
“Star Wars first!” Clint called out, holding tightly to his precious blu-ray set.
“Sure, but only because we can watch it all in one day. I’ll have to compile a best of with Star Trek and that’ll take a whole week to get through.” Tony conceded. Natasha just glared. Clint was pretty sure he would pay for that whole conversation later.
-------------
Even loving Star Wars as much as he did, Clint still found it difficult to sit through all three movies in one go. He did it anyway and pretended to love every minute of it, but Natasha knew better. She kept poking him in his ribs, but he ignored her, eventually moving to sit closer to Bruce so they could geek out over the force.
He was surprised to find he enjoyed Tony’s week long marathon of Star Trek, though. At roughly four hours a night, it was much more manageable, even if it did stretch on for eight days instead of the five he was original promised. And at the end of it all, everybody turned to Steve and Thor.
“Why must they all travel in little ships? Too slow. And the wormhole from your Star Trek looks nothing like the rainbow bridge. Both pictures confuse me and are completely unrealistic.” Thor shook his head in sadness. Apparently it was difficult to please a demi-god. Clint thought maybe they should try some Lord of the Rings next. Thor might like that better. All eyes were on Steve now, the deciding factor.
“Can’t I like them both?” he asked. Clint sighed. Of course Steve would try to be the peacemaker.
-----------
It shouldn’t have surprised him, two weeks later, when there was a deep rumble from the basement and the entire building shook hard enough to knock over shelves. Everybody stopped where they stood and held on for dear life.
“Earthquake?” Steve asked.
“In New York?” Clint asked incredulously.
“Bruce.” Natasha uttered the one word and just like that, they were off, tearing down stairs and jumping railings in an attempt to get to the basement as fast as they could. They couldn’t afford to wait for an elevator. If he’d Hulked out the damage would be immense. People could be hurt.
They found Thor standing in front of a gaping hole, laughing heartily. Dust slowly settled in the air and Clint cautiously looked through the rebar where a wall once stood. Bruce and Tony lay under a table in the middle of what had been Bruce’s private lab, surrounded by shattered equipment and rubble. Everything else was destroyed but the table remained intact. They were leaning into each other and laughing so hard Clint was pretty sure they wouldn’t be able to stand up if they tried.
“What the hell?” Natasha asked, ducking in under him.
“What happened?” Steve asked from Thor’s other side. He was just staring at the destruction.
Clint scanned the room. Both Tony and Bruce were holding black sticks with the ends melted and disfigured. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on. He stepped over the crumbling wall and into the room, dragging them both out by the wrists, still laughing hysterically. He shook his head but couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face nor the giggles that bubbled up from his throat.
“They tried to build a lightsaber.”
Warning: This is out of character, intentionally, and completey, utterly ridiculous. This is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form. It's crack, written for the fun of it, and meant to be 100% silly.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters nor any of the universes mentioned herein. Also, I love both Star Wars and Star Trek and probably couldn't pick a winner even if I had to. So yeah.
Clint came tearing out of the elevator and straight into what they had taken to using as the communal hang out room. Finding it full of pillows and furniture and comfy spots to rest, but utterly devoid of people, he slapped his hand over the intercom and demanded everybody join him as quickly as possible. He rocked on his heels while he waited. It didn’t take long. Most of them showed up breathless, but they were all there in under a minute.
“Look what I found!” He was vibrating with excitement and produced a small box from behind his back.
“Star Wars? You scared the piss out of me for STAR WARS?” Natasha glared at him.
“Not just Star Wars. It’s the entire remastered original trilogy on Blu-Ray.” She smacked the back of his head. Bruce was excited at least. He crowded to Clint’s other side and marveled at the small package.
“Just the original trilogy, right? Not the new ones?”
“They had the newer ones but I wasn’t about to spend money on them. This is just the original three.” Clint held it out so Bruce could touch it reverently.
“Please. That’s nothing.” Tony walked over to a wall and pressed a panel which slid to the side. It revealed row after row of dvds, blu-ray discs, and even some old VHS and laser discs. Clint merely quirked an eyebrow.
“Star Trek?” he asked. They’d had this discussion before, but he still couldn’t figure out why anybody would want that many copies of Star Trek, even if they did have that much disposable income to waste on it. Natasha, however, squealed like a little girl and abandoned him. He’d never heard her squeal before. It was deeply unsettling and he hoped to never hear it again.
“Oh my god, Tony, you have EVERYTHING.” She kneeled in front of the cabinet and let her fingers ghost over the spine of each case. “All the movies, the complete original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager… wait, where’s Enterprise?” she looked up at him and asked. He pointed to the bottom of the cabinet, four grey cases tucked to the side and out of the way.
“It’s only here because it’s Star Trek by name. I’ve never actually opened them.” He pointed out his five different copies of the original movie and that the dvd case was even signed by Leonard Nimoy himself. Natasha melted to malleable clay in front of his eyes and Clint thought maybe that reaction right there would be a good enough reason to own Star Trek.
“It still doesn’t compare to Star Wars.” Clint said, holding out his case. Tony rolled his eyes.
“Please. The tech is way better in Star Trek. And there’s so much more cannon. Besides, what does to Star Wars have that Star Trek doesn’t? Besides Leia in a gold bikini.”
“Han Solo!” Bruce and Clint both cried in unison. Clint smiled at Bruce, his new best friend.
“Oh? What about Uhura? Beverly Crusher? Janeway was Captain!” Natasha exclaimed.
“Yoda, we have.” Bruce replied. Clint liked him more and more each passing second.
“Spock. Bones. Data. Sisco. Miles O’Brien! Jean-Fucking-Luc Picard!” Tony exlaimed.
“The Millennium Falcon AND the Death Star.” Clint had him there, surely.
“The Enterprise. ALL of them.” Natasha chimed in.
“Darth Vader is the most recognizable villain ever.” Clint gave Bruce a high five. That was a good call.
“The Borg were scarier. We also have Klingons and Romulans and those lovely green dominatrix women. The entire Dominion War was storytelling gold.”
“We have lightsabers.” Clint crossed his arm. Nothing, not a single piece of tech in Star Trek, could compare to lightsabers. Tony looked at Natasha and she just shook her head, so he sighed and agreed.
“Okay, I concede that one single point. Lightsabers are cool.” Tony leaned against his wall and got a wistful look on his face. “Y’know, my mom took me to see Star Wars for my sixth birthday, and after that I tried to build a lightsaber. Spent months doing the research and finally started to assemble what I thought would work. I ended up blowing out the entire west wing of the summer house. But I discovered something valuable. Lightsaber tech is impossible. I could, technically, figure out the specifications for a warp core engine or teleporters. If I wanted to. And we already have communicators and I just invented the universal translator. At least with Star Trek, all the tech is possible. Eventually.”
They were a divided team, Bruce and Clint on one side, with Tony and Natasha on the other. Through the entire argument, Steve had remained silent. He sat in a chair, staring raptly at them all, munching on popcorn. Clint wasn’t sure where he had gotten it from, having not been anywhere near the kitchen, but there it was. They all turned to look at him.
“No! Keep going! This is fun,” he whined. Thor applauded loudly.
“Yes, this is quite gripping entertainment. Please do continue.”
“Well we’re stuck at an impasse here, guys.” Bruce pointed out. Tony bounced, just once.
“Be the deciding voice, Cap. Which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars?” Tony crossed his arms and Clint was pretty sure he was trying to sway Steve his way by standing with his hips angled towards the massive case of Star Trek. Clint was even tempted to change sides just by those hips alone. He hugged his blu-ray set and reminded himself that Star Wars was everything good and wonderful in the world.
“I’ve… never seen either. So I can’t say.” The room erupted in a cacophony of voices, everybody clambering to sell him on their particular favourite. Steve leaned away from the onslaught and Thor towered over them all menacingly. Clint could see his fingers twitch in the desire to call Mojlnir.
“We’ll just have to watch them.” Bruce finally decided.
“Star Wars first!” Clint called out, holding tightly to his precious blu-ray set.
“Sure, but only because we can watch it all in one day. I’ll have to compile a best of with Star Trek and that’ll take a whole week to get through.” Tony conceded. Natasha just glared. Clint was pretty sure he would pay for that whole conversation later.
-------------
Even loving Star Wars as much as he did, Clint still found it difficult to sit through all three movies in one go. He did it anyway and pretended to love every minute of it, but Natasha knew better. She kept poking him in his ribs, but he ignored her, eventually moving to sit closer to Bruce so they could geek out over the force.
He was surprised to find he enjoyed Tony’s week long marathon of Star Trek, though. At roughly four hours a night, it was much more manageable, even if it did stretch on for eight days instead of the five he was original promised. And at the end of it all, everybody turned to Steve and Thor.
“Why must they all travel in little ships? Too slow. And the wormhole from your Star Trek looks nothing like the rainbow bridge. Both pictures confuse me and are completely unrealistic.” Thor shook his head in sadness. Apparently it was difficult to please a demi-god. Clint thought maybe they should try some Lord of the Rings next. Thor might like that better. All eyes were on Steve now, the deciding factor.
“Can’t I like them both?” he asked. Clint sighed. Of course Steve would try to be the peacemaker.
-----------
It shouldn’t have surprised him, two weeks later, when there was a deep rumble from the basement and the entire building shook hard enough to knock over shelves. Everybody stopped where they stood and held on for dear life.
“Earthquake?” Steve asked.
“In New York?” Clint asked incredulously.
“Bruce.” Natasha uttered the one word and just like that, they were off, tearing down stairs and jumping railings in an attempt to get to the basement as fast as they could. They couldn’t afford to wait for an elevator. If he’d Hulked out the damage would be immense. People could be hurt.
They found Thor standing in front of a gaping hole, laughing heartily. Dust slowly settled in the air and Clint cautiously looked through the rebar where a wall once stood. Bruce and Tony lay under a table in the middle of what had been Bruce’s private lab, surrounded by shattered equipment and rubble. Everything else was destroyed but the table remained intact. They were leaning into each other and laughing so hard Clint was pretty sure they wouldn’t be able to stand up if they tried.
“What the hell?” Natasha asked, ducking in under him.
“What happened?” Steve asked from Thor’s other side. He was just staring at the destruction.
Clint scanned the room. Both Tony and Bruce were holding black sticks with the ends melted and disfigured. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on. He stepped over the crumbling wall and into the room, dragging them both out by the wrists, still laughing hysterically. He shook his head but couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face nor the giggles that bubbled up from his throat.
“They tried to build a lightsaber.”