New Fic. "I know"....
Title: I know…
Author: Nyrak20
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Season 4 after Brian’s Cancer and he lets Justin back in.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of QAF. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Brian's POV
I lay motionless. My eyes wide open, heart pounding so hard its almost deafening in my ears. The only slight motion I feel is him breathing in and out, ever so gently, ever so innocent, next to me in the bed. I feel his thigh on my thigh, soft, perfect. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep for hours. I’ve been lying in the same position, without movement, for hours. I glance at the clock. 4:11am. He’s been in the same spot on his back, thigh touching mine, the whole night. He’s so peaceful. Content. And here I am, wide-awake, heart pounding, silently reaching for him, but never moving.
Why should he be wide-awake, frantic? He doesn’t need to be. He has known from the beginning. Ever so confidant. Ever so sure of himself. And of me. Why? How could this kid, and I mean KID, know? Right from the beginning? Never doubt, never question. Sometimes I wish I could be like that.
It’s been his strength, his belief in me, in us, that has gotten me through. I wonder does he know? Does he know that because of him, I am who I am right now? No, how could he? I never say it. I hardly even show it. And still here he is, always coming back. Always right next to me, every night.
I decide to move a little. My leg is falling asleep in this position. I move my legs ever so gently and I feel the warmth of him, slip away. I wince at the cold. He stirs and makes the cutest fucking noise I have ever heard. He rolls on his side and is now facing me. He takes one hand and rubs his chin, mumbling something and breathing heavy. When he turns over, I get a slight scent of him with the motion of his body. I look at him for a long time. I just stare. He is so beautiful. My heart races, and I push his white blonde hair out of his eyes ever so gently. This is it. I know it now. His crystal blue eyes flutter open…he fingers resting on his head…he looks up at me. I have to catch my breath….
“What’s the matter?” he mumbles eyes starting to close again.
“Nothing” I whisper and I pull him close to me. My arm drapes across him and my fingers caress his lower back right. He moans a little and rubs up against me. God he feels so good.
‘Justin…” I whisper in his ear.
“mmm”…he’s pressed against my shoulder and I’m sure that’s all he can muster out.
He pushes away from me and it takes all the strength I have not to pull him back to me again. He’s resting half on his side and half on his back. He’s looking at me, so curious.
“What Brian?” he asks. He looks concerned. He looks almost scared.
“Tell me”….he touches my face. I close my eyes.
I can tell he’s holding his breath. A pain shoots through my heart. I’m upsetting him and it’s not what I wanted.
I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. God Dammit I think to myself. Say it Brian. Fucking SAY IT.
I open my eyes. His lips are inches from mine. I kiss him. Soft, and he moans a little as my tongue travels into his mouth slowly. He wraps his hands around my face and pulls me into his kiss deeper, this time his tongue darting full force into my mouth. With my eyes closed, in darkness, I start to see stars. He’s rubbing against me now; full force and I feel his cock hard and forceful through his boxer briefs against my leg. I don’t think my cock could get any harder. It aches for him but he touches nothing but my face with his hands. My hands still are resting on his lower back, but they are pressed more forceful now and I grab at him, like I have never touched a man before.
He pulls away but within milliseconds his lips are on my cheek, my neck, traveling down my collarbone and onto my chest. I hear myself moaning, panting for him like a dog in heat.
“Touch me” he begs his mouth on mine again. I’m consumed by him.
“No”…I answer. He pulls away. His eyes are full of pain.
“Wha…” he starts, his voice starting to tremble.
“I want you inside me”…I force the words out. I mean every word, but it’s so hard to say it out loud. I think it every time I’m next to him. But I can never request it. Until now.
A look of shock washes over him. “Are you sure?” he asks.
I nod. I close my eyes and look away from him.
“Hey”…he takes my face in his hands and makes me look at him. All I see is blue. “Its just me”…he kisses me lightly.
Without a word I turn on my stomach. He lies there, which seems like an eternity, just rubbing my back, my ass, my thighs. I can feel his hard against my leg and it takes all I have not to beg him. I bury my face into the pillow and moan his name.
“Ask me…”He whispers in my ear. I turn my face and whisper out of the side of my mouth…
“Please make love to me Justin”….I hear him suck in his breath. I have never EVER said those words to him before. Love has never been mentioned in this bed before. I bury my face in the pillow again and hear and feel him stir next to and then above me. I hear the condom wrapper tear and I feel him position in back of me. He kisses the back of my neck, my shoulders, and my back.
”Please..” I say into the pillow not sure if he can even hear me.
He did. His innocence is inside me now, slow at first, but then harder and faster. I’m moaning so loud I’m surprised its not echoing. But he isn’t fucking me. Yes, he’s going fast and pumping hard, but I feel him. All of him. His heart, his cock. His innocence, his love. He whispers my name and I feel myself about to come.
‘Justin…god…” I jerk my head up as I unload all over my designer sheets. I hear him scream my name above me as he lets go himself. I have never heard him scream my name that way. Now that echoed.
He falls on top of me, breathless. He rolls off me and onto his side and pulls off the condom and with a flick of the wrist throws it into the unknown of the loft. It doesn’t bother me. He could do anything, and it wouldn’t bother me.
“Jesus Brian”…he starts.
“Justin”…I cut him off. He looks up at me. I wont look at him.
“I’ve been up for hours. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to you breath. Feeling you next to me. I would have thought you would have left by now. I am an old man. With Cancer…”
“No..” he cuts me off. “You don’t have cancer anymore. They got it all Brian. You’re fine now.”
“Maybe so” I continue. “But I kicked you out. Told you to get the fuck out. Not just out of the loft. But out of my life. But you didn’t. Like you knew it wasn’t what I meant. You helped me, took care of me. After everything”…I trail off. I don’t know what I want to say. No, I do know what I want to say but it wont come out right. Nothing I say to Justin ever comes out right.
He’s silent. He’s waiting, yearning to hear what I have to say next. But within seconds, he moves towards me and lays his head on my chest.
“You don’t have to say anything Brian. What you just did, for me, for us. Was enough. I know what you’re thinking and how you feel. You don’t have to say it. I’m ok with you not saying anything. I see it in your eyes”. He kisses my chest and groves his head into the nook between my chin and shoulder. His safe place.
I turn my head and look down at him. “What am I thinking now”? I ask.
He looks up into my eyes. We hold each other’s gaze which feels like hours.
Then he just smiles, closes his eyes and buries his head back into his safe place.
“Justin”…I say in a firm voice.
“Shhh…” he rubs my chest.
“Justin”. I say again, more firm this time as if I’m telling Gus to put something down, or to come here.
He looks up at me with a start. I must have an angry look on my face, because his expression turns into fear. He waits. I can feel his body tense. He’s just staring at me. My mouth goes dry. You know Brian, I tell myself. You know. I close my eyes.
“I love you Justin”.
I keep my eyes closed for a long time. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say a word.
I finally look at him. The moonlight from outside is shining on his face. All I see is wetness on his pale cheeks. I move my hand to his face and brush it away. I put my fingers to my mouth and taste what I know is his happiness.
He wipes the rest of his tears away, almost embarrassed that I’m seeing him cry over this.
He buries his head into the safe place again. Its quiet. Calm. I feel him breathing in and out trying to catch his breath. I close my eyes and take him in. His smell, the way his hair feels draped across my chest. His love for me that’s radiating from him.
As I drift off to sleep finally, I can hear him whisper…
"....I know..."
Author: Nyrak20
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Season 4 after Brian’s Cancer and he lets Justin back in.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of QAF. This is for entertainment purposes only.
Brian's POV
I lay motionless. My eyes wide open, heart pounding so hard its almost deafening in my ears. The only slight motion I feel is him breathing in and out, ever so gently, ever so innocent, next to me in the bed. I feel his thigh on my thigh, soft, perfect. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep for hours. I’ve been lying in the same position, without movement, for hours. I glance at the clock. 4:11am. He’s been in the same spot on his back, thigh touching mine, the whole night. He’s so peaceful. Content. And here I am, wide-awake, heart pounding, silently reaching for him, but never moving.
Why should he be wide-awake, frantic? He doesn’t need to be. He has known from the beginning. Ever so confidant. Ever so sure of himself. And of me. Why? How could this kid, and I mean KID, know? Right from the beginning? Never doubt, never question. Sometimes I wish I could be like that.
It’s been his strength, his belief in me, in us, that has gotten me through. I wonder does he know? Does he know that because of him, I am who I am right now? No, how could he? I never say it. I hardly even show it. And still here he is, always coming back. Always right next to me, every night.
I decide to move a little. My leg is falling asleep in this position. I move my legs ever so gently and I feel the warmth of him, slip away. I wince at the cold. He stirs and makes the cutest fucking noise I have ever heard. He rolls on his side and is now facing me. He takes one hand and rubs his chin, mumbling something and breathing heavy. When he turns over, I get a slight scent of him with the motion of his body. I look at him for a long time. I just stare. He is so beautiful. My heart races, and I push his white blonde hair out of his eyes ever so gently. This is it. I know it now. His crystal blue eyes flutter open…he fingers resting on his head…he looks up at me. I have to catch my breath….
“What’s the matter?” he mumbles eyes starting to close again.
“Nothing” I whisper and I pull him close to me. My arm drapes across him and my fingers caress his lower back right. He moans a little and rubs up against me. God he feels so good.
‘Justin…” I whisper in his ear.
“mmm”…he’s pressed against my shoulder and I’m sure that’s all he can muster out.
He pushes away from me and it takes all the strength I have not to pull him back to me again. He’s resting half on his side and half on his back. He’s looking at me, so curious.
“What Brian?” he asks. He looks concerned. He looks almost scared.
“Tell me”….he touches my face. I close my eyes.
I can tell he’s holding his breath. A pain shoots through my heart. I’m upsetting him and it’s not what I wanted.
I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. God Dammit I think to myself. Say it Brian. Fucking SAY IT.
I open my eyes. His lips are inches from mine. I kiss him. Soft, and he moans a little as my tongue travels into his mouth slowly. He wraps his hands around my face and pulls me into his kiss deeper, this time his tongue darting full force into my mouth. With my eyes closed, in darkness, I start to see stars. He’s rubbing against me now; full force and I feel his cock hard and forceful through his boxer briefs against my leg. I don’t think my cock could get any harder. It aches for him but he touches nothing but my face with his hands. My hands still are resting on his lower back, but they are pressed more forceful now and I grab at him, like I have never touched a man before.
He pulls away but within milliseconds his lips are on my cheek, my neck, traveling down my collarbone and onto my chest. I hear myself moaning, panting for him like a dog in heat.
“Touch me” he begs his mouth on mine again. I’m consumed by him.
“No”…I answer. He pulls away. His eyes are full of pain.
“Wha…” he starts, his voice starting to tremble.
“I want you inside me”…I force the words out. I mean every word, but it’s so hard to say it out loud. I think it every time I’m next to him. But I can never request it. Until now.
A look of shock washes over him. “Are you sure?” he asks.
I nod. I close my eyes and look away from him.
“Hey”…he takes my face in his hands and makes me look at him. All I see is blue. “Its just me”…he kisses me lightly.
Without a word I turn on my stomach. He lies there, which seems like an eternity, just rubbing my back, my ass, my thighs. I can feel his hard against my leg and it takes all I have not to beg him. I bury my face into the pillow and moan his name.
“Ask me…”He whispers in my ear. I turn my face and whisper out of the side of my mouth…
“Please make love to me Justin”….I hear him suck in his breath. I have never EVER said those words to him before. Love has never been mentioned in this bed before. I bury my face in the pillow again and hear and feel him stir next to and then above me. I hear the condom wrapper tear and I feel him position in back of me. He kisses the back of my neck, my shoulders, and my back.
”Please..” I say into the pillow not sure if he can even hear me.
He did. His innocence is inside me now, slow at first, but then harder and faster. I’m moaning so loud I’m surprised its not echoing. But he isn’t fucking me. Yes, he’s going fast and pumping hard, but I feel him. All of him. His heart, his cock. His innocence, his love. He whispers my name and I feel myself about to come.
‘Justin…god…” I jerk my head up as I unload all over my designer sheets. I hear him scream my name above me as he lets go himself. I have never heard him scream my name that way. Now that echoed.
He falls on top of me, breathless. He rolls off me and onto his side and pulls off the condom and with a flick of the wrist throws it into the unknown of the loft. It doesn’t bother me. He could do anything, and it wouldn’t bother me.
“Jesus Brian”…he starts.
“Justin”…I cut him off. He looks up at me. I wont look at him.
“I’ve been up for hours. Staring at the ceiling. Listening to you breath. Feeling you next to me. I would have thought you would have left by now. I am an old man. With Cancer…”
“No..” he cuts me off. “You don’t have cancer anymore. They got it all Brian. You’re fine now.”
“Maybe so” I continue. “But I kicked you out. Told you to get the fuck out. Not just out of the loft. But out of my life. But you didn’t. Like you knew it wasn’t what I meant. You helped me, took care of me. After everything”…I trail off. I don’t know what I want to say. No, I do know what I want to say but it wont come out right. Nothing I say to Justin ever comes out right.
He’s silent. He’s waiting, yearning to hear what I have to say next. But within seconds, he moves towards me and lays his head on my chest.
“You don’t have to say anything Brian. What you just did, for me, for us. Was enough. I know what you’re thinking and how you feel. You don’t have to say it. I’m ok with you not saying anything. I see it in your eyes”. He kisses my chest and groves his head into the nook between my chin and shoulder. His safe place.
I turn my head and look down at him. “What am I thinking now”? I ask.
He looks up into my eyes. We hold each other’s gaze which feels like hours.
Then he just smiles, closes his eyes and buries his head back into his safe place.
“Justin”…I say in a firm voice.
“Shhh…” he rubs my chest.
“Justin”. I say again, more firm this time as if I’m telling Gus to put something down, or to come here.
He looks up at me with a start. I must have an angry look on my face, because his expression turns into fear. He waits. I can feel his body tense. He’s just staring at me. My mouth goes dry. You know Brian, I tell myself. You know. I close my eyes.
“I love you Justin”.
I keep my eyes closed for a long time. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say a word.
I finally look at him. The moonlight from outside is shining on his face. All I see is wetness on his pale cheeks. I move my hand to his face and brush it away. I put my fingers to my mouth and taste what I know is his happiness.
He wipes the rest of his tears away, almost embarrassed that I’m seeing him cry over this.
He buries his head into the safe place again. Its quiet. Calm. I feel him breathing in and out trying to catch his breath. I close my eyes and take him in. His smell, the way his hair feels draped across my chest. His love for me that’s radiating from him.
As I drift off to sleep finally, I can hear him whisper…
"....I know..."