(no subject)
Tomorrow we have our first observed clinical evaluation, where we have to interview and examine an actor who pretends to have certain symptoms. There will be a doctor in the room to observe and give feedback.
1. Listen for the heart on the wrong side. Declare the patient dead, call a code, and immediately administer CPR. When the patient protests, respond I CAN'T HEAR YOU YOU'RE DEAD LA LA LA LA.
2. Before starting the physical exam, instead of washing hands, spit on them and rub them vigorously together.
3. In setting the agenda for the visit: "We have about half an hour today. I would like to spend about fifteen minutes asking you some questions about how things are going for you, then ten minutes listening to your lungs and heart, and of course I'll leave five minutes for the fellatio."
4. In taking the sexual history: "Are you in any sexual relationships right now? With men or with women, or both?" Add the following: "Animals? Plants? Inflatable objects? Left hand? Right hand? Feet?" Etc.
5. Listen to the forehead with the stethoscope. Declare the brain to be pulsating adequately.
6. For the duration of the interview, stand on one foot.
7. White coat only. Nothing else.
8. If the patient declares difficulty with alcohol consumption, offer them a line of coke to help take the edge off.
9. Regardless of the patient's sex or ethnic heritage, question them at length about what it was like growing up as a proud black woman.
10. During abdominal exam, express frustration with the lack of surgical instruments. Take out pocket knife, sterilize it with a Zippo, and hand patient a piece of wood "for biting down on".
I'm open to other suggestions.
1. Listen for the heart on the wrong side. Declare the patient dead, call a code, and immediately administer CPR. When the patient protests, respond I CAN'T HEAR YOU YOU'RE DEAD LA LA LA LA.
2. Before starting the physical exam, instead of washing hands, spit on them and rub them vigorously together.
3. In setting the agenda for the visit: "We have about half an hour today. I would like to spend about fifteen minutes asking you some questions about how things are going for you, then ten minutes listening to your lungs and heart, and of course I'll leave five minutes for the fellatio."
4. In taking the sexual history: "Are you in any sexual relationships right now? With men or with women, or both?" Add the following: "Animals? Plants? Inflatable objects? Left hand? Right hand? Feet?" Etc.
5. Listen to the forehead with the stethoscope. Declare the brain to be pulsating adequately.
6. For the duration of the interview, stand on one foot.
7. White coat only. Nothing else.
8. If the patient declares difficulty with alcohol consumption, offer them a line of coke to help take the edge off.
9. Regardless of the patient's sex or ethnic heritage, question them at length about what it was like growing up as a proud black woman.
10. During abdominal exam, express frustration with the lack of surgical instruments. Take out pocket knife, sterilize it with a Zippo, and hand patient a piece of wood "for biting down on".
I'm open to other suggestions.