Likes and Dislikes (crossposted on my FetLife)
Reading through my profile, one probably thinks I'm some scary man-hating feminist or some shit. I'm really not.
I don't exactly have a positive heterosexual past. I've forced myself to forget it, but it involves a lot of secrecy, dark areas, and various men being *disgusted* with me in some form. Be it my hairy arms or stubble on my armpits or my persistant bush, it was always *I* who was the turn off.
I would never call them nice. They manipulated me, used me, toyed with my feelings and made promises they could never keep. I was a naive teenager who was hoping to find care and respect. I never did.
Boys my own age didn't want me, because I was not only one of the few black girls in school. I wasn't anything 'black'. The suburbs were not the easiest place to interacially date. I had a type. Tall, thin, bespectacled...typically white.
My personality leads me to stay far, far away from situations that in the past, have mentally fucked with me. So, my head has rationalized that it is perfectly fine to *be triggered* by stuff like "people visibly upset with what is happening to them even though they are slaves to said person" or "boundaries not being respected though i understand that the person wants it". I've lived most of my time doing just that. **Setting boundaries, saying 'no' and meaning it, not wanting things and expecting them to be respected.**
It's why I want to find someone who will actually care for me. Make me feel welcome with them. To get a text in the morning, and to be at the whim of them (sometimes).
But my distrust, my fear, keeps me away from a certain group, and I'm quick to dismiss a man who is interested in my youth, or in my race. I'm neither of those.
I don't know what to do. :(