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[quicksand_]

i'm writing a lot lately-- just not what i want, how i want. i always figured this would happen in college, but there are good things, too. i'm thinking more about plots and how characters develop and i think i'm getting better-- i think maybe, i understand a little bit more. it's just harder, now, because what if i can't make it come from that

Comments

[taintedsky]

I really like the story, I think it works. In some places it does seem a little wordy but in this case it works very well with the fable-esque tone that you've imployed. I would maybe consider using fewer adverbs/adjectives -- in some places it is very nice and you have a wonderful sound to your words but when I think it would ring out better if not every noun had a string of adjectives. Maybe in some places, to balance it out, instead of having an adjective and a noun/verb, have a noun/verb that embodies the adjective.

I really love the alliteration/consonance/assonance that prevails in this though, it makes the entire piece really melodious which works well, especially considering the type of story this is

[quicksand_]

Yeah, I get a little too verbose sometimes. It's just that when I write it's like I can see everything; it plays like a movie in my head, and I'm trying to show the story that way-- every detail. I think I'll just comb through and take out the more awkward ones-- like 'cascade of fiery hair masking her face.' This is also where he sees that she's blind-- which, you know how sometimes blind people have cloudy eyes? Like, their pupils are milky, instead of black? Well, that's how he can tell she's blind-- no color. But maybe that wasn't communicated clearly enough

[taintedsky]

haha, oh grammar! Yeah, I wondered if you meant the posessive, which would be its.

Your (indirect) character of Death is really rather wonderful because he is who he is and the sense of humour just makes him so interesting.

I think the death scene is convincing because of the type of story this is. I read it sort of as a grimms-type story, though a part of me wanted it to be more of a fairy tale because i'm a sappy little girl like that. Maybe, if possible, you could expand a little more in that short paragraph? Not quite sure what to say for this.