Never Is a Promise Part 2
Title: Never Is A Promise. Lily’s.
Author: Quid Snidget
Pairing: Bellatrix/Lily
Genre: Angst, Romance.
Summary: Bellatrix and Lily try to say goodbye for the last time.
Rating: M. For sexual situations and language
Notes: The Companion Piece to Never Is A Promise. Bella’s
Never is a Promise (Part 2)
By: Quid Snidget
“You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colours richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you.
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you.
You say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.”
~Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
It feels like someone’s struck me in the gut and it takes all the mental strength I have not to slam the door or scream out loud. Her eyes were smouldering and mocking, waiting for a reaction. I refused to give her one and braced myself against the door to cease the shaking that has suddenly overcome me.
She’s gorgeous. She still had the energetic air about her that has always pulled me to her like gravity. Her long, dark locks moved slightly in the wind and she pushed it over her shoulder. She’s too gorgeous for someone I had hoped had spent the last two years destroying herself for the poor choices she’d made.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, pleased that my voice doesn’t betray me.
“I need to talk to you.” She said quietly, conscience of the people around us. Her act of thoughtfulness struck me as odd but I ignored it. There was no way I was going to let her into my home. I knew better than to mistake her thoughtfulness for sincerity. She wanted something and I wasn’t going to give it to her.
“Then talk.” I said. I didn’t want her to gain the upper hand so quickly.
But I realized I was about to lose the test of will as she gave me her trademarked smile. Not so much a smile as a smirk and her smirk always had most the incredible attribute of looking so dignified it was mixed with that classical pureblooded egotism. Even out of her element, she knew how to get to me. “You really want me to say what I have to say, out here?”
I tore my eyes away from her and left her on the front steps; I knew she would follow me. I led her through the house and stiffened when she inquired after my husband. I almost didn’t tell her, in case that was exactly what she wanted, but I did anyway. “At work.”
We entered the tearoom and I was careful to make it clear using body language that I didn’t want her anywhere near me, she took the hint and sat on the other side of the table.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked, hoping to speed up the encounter.
Her eyes flashed with annoyance, “What, no small talk? No ‘how are you doing, Bella?’.”
I gritted my teeth and with the falsest sincerity I could muster, I asked, “How are you Bellatrix?”
She snorted at my tone and answered, “Fantastic.”
I felt anger boil up in me like a fire and I needed to leave the room. I used tea as an excuse. I didn’t bother asking her if she wanted any.
Memories tormented me as I stared at the kettle, waiting for it to boil instead of using my wand. I needed time to clear my head. Bellatrix always had the most profound effects on me. Her gaze, the way her body moves, it made my heart constrict and heat moved down my body igniting fires I had thought long dead. I caught my breath and noticed the kettle was singing.
I moved back into the living area with the tea. “Three sugars, right?” She doesn’t answer me, but she didn’t have to. I remember the smallest quirks about her. Everything from the way she tapped her quill when she was thinking to the small cease in her forehead when she was confused. The way her eyes turned liquid when I would sneak into her room, her smirking lips an invitation, her small gasps and sighs when I would press my lips to her.
Her words bring me out of my reveries, “So… is this it?”
I wasn’t sure what she was referring to. “Is what it?”
“This… this is your life now?” She had a horrible mixture of disappointment and disgust apparent on her features. She was testing me, I know.
I inhaled sharply and exhaled softly, I forced my voice to stay calm. “Yes.”
She stared hatefully into my eyes and the places where I’d stitched my heart back together throbbed anew. “And you are really happy here?” She asked. Every word pierced me like needles in an open wound. “In this stupid little town? In this pathetic little house? With your fucking little family-”
I couldn’t bear to hear my fears materialized, my insecurities voiced by someone who had no right to pass judgment on me. And the people who had never abandoned me being dismissed with callous words, I threw down my cup. “I can handle anything you dish out, but you will not insult my family in my own home!” I had the mind to magic her out the door, but she swiftly shut up and I remembered she was there for a reason.
“What do you want, Bellatrix?” I didn’t look up at her as I cleared away the mess I’d made. The room was too quiet and I wanted to say something just to alleviate the crushing silence, but suddenly she was pressing her lips to my hand. It burned into me like a brand and I wondered if she had branded me from the start.
I pulled away and tears forced themselves up into my eyes. “Don’t.” I whispered.
She backed away from me as if I’d cursed her. She backed into her chair and her eyes burned into me so fiercely I could feel it without looking.
Then she started to laugh. It started out quietly, even sardonically then it grew into a mad cackle. The same laughter mixed with anger as when I’d told her I was engaged. For a reason I didn’t quite understand, my hurt evolved into fury. I stepped to her and slapped her, hard. The surprise did nothing for my nerves and a tear escaped before I could stop it.
She reached out to me and I couldn’t bring myself to push her away again. She stoked my face and said, “Don’t you dare cry.” Her voice was unkind. A warning, I know that. She is capable of stupid things when I cry.
I haven’t cried over her for years, I was going to start again. “I’m not going to.” I said, to remind myself of it. I was angry again. I was hurt again. I was furious for letting myself bring her to this point. I should have pushed her out when I had the chance, I should have left her on the front steps. She could have sent me an owl, not come there in person. She had to know what seeing her would do to me.
It happened so fast that I’m not even sure now, who moved first, but we were pressed together, mouth-to-mouth, bodies pressing into each other as if the pain could be dissolved by friction. Could it?
I felt myself melt into her, shivers of longing wrecked havoc on my senses. I needed to step away to think straight.
“Is this why you came here?” I had to know. Somehow I couldn’t believe that. She was too stubborn for that to be true.
“No.” She sighed and I felt a little better. The slight elevation in mood dropped again at her next statement, “The Dark Lord put me in charge of one of the groups being sent to find you.”
I struggled momentously to limit my reaction. “You’re being sent to kill me?” I just barely manage to voice it.
“You and your family.” She elaborated and I felt sick to my stomach.
I was confused, how could she come here and tell me this? How could I forget that she is the enemy? “Then what are you-”
“You need to get away from here.” Her concern shocks me and makes me suspicious. But James and I already knew that. I closed my eyes, willing myself to believe that love for me is not what brought her there.
“You can’t fight this.” She said, increasing my doubt. “You can’t fight him.”
“I have already, a few times.” I was insulted she’d forget. My local fame certainly hadn’t let me forget.
“And every time you just barely escaped! If he gets your location, you won’t be able to slip away this time!”
It occured to me, finally, that she actually meant to help me. “You’re not going to tell him.” I said, almost disbelievingly.
“No,” She sighed in annoyance. “But that doesn’t mean the others won’t find you.”
I don’t like being addressed like a helpless child. Did I not just say I’ve fought the Dark Lord himself more then once? “Don’t act like you’re doing me some big favour by telling me this, we already know he’s after us and we already have a plan.” I said before I realize the slip.
She demanded to know how we uncovered the information, but I knew better than to trust her with secrets.
She suddenly looked a lot older, a lot more tormented. My secret wish that she’d spent the time without me tearing herself apart seemed suddenly plausible. I was sorry I wasn’t more careful with my words. I had an intense desire to touch her. I stroked her cheek and for the first time since she’d arrived, our eyes locked.
I could see my desires reflected in her eyes. The memories of our time together burst into my head like a flood from a breaking dam. They overwhelmed me and the fire in my stomach spread to every inch of my body. I was aware of every inch of her. The faint scent of rosewood transported me to years before, stolen moments in darkened hallways.
It was way too much to deny. I needed her to touch me.
“James won’t be home for a while. Why don’t you stay a little longer?” I stepped back, waiting for her to catch my meaning and make the next step. I forced thoughts of James, of adultery, out of my mind.
She took my hand and kissed it, then she dropped it and backed away. “I need to go.”
I’m shocked at how wounded I am. I didn’t think she still had that kind of power over me. Her refusal stung, she might have stabbed me with a teaspoon. I opened my mouth to say something… what though?
“I need to go.” She said again and moved past me quickly. Headed back toward the door.
It took me a moment to get my body to move after her. “Wait.” I tried desperately to hide the hurt in my voice. To disguise the agony and the want. I couldn’t describe the relief I felt when she stopped short of the door.
Through all the time we had spent together and the time we had spent apart, I never let myself ask her for anything. Mostly out of fear, afraid I would push her away if I was to make demands. I always gave her full control, let her define exactly what we were. I thought it would be easier, but I understand now that it only pulled us apart even faster.
“Please.” I whispered and she turned back to me with fire in her eyes.
“Why?” She asked, her voice was above a tremble and a newfound courage glared through to me.
“Why did you leave me for him?”
I stare at her, unbelieving. It didn’t make any sense. Where was this coming from? “What?” I asked, my voice was as confused as I felt.
“Why did you chose him over me?” She asked and again I’m very confused by the question.
I had no idea what she was talking about. “I... I never… I didn’t!” In a moment, it occurs to me. Could she have really believed that we could still be together after she’d taken his mark? It is incredible to me that this thought could even begin to exist and she was angry again at my answer.
“What? You just fucked off and married him without saying anything to me!” She screamed.
I screamed back, “You chose first!” My thoughts and fears became concrete as the shadows fall across her face. She really didn’t understand.
“What the hell are you talking about?” She barked.
“You chose Voldemort over me. You let him brand you behind my back! Did you honestly think a relationship could work while we were fighting on opposite sides of a war?” I felt the heat rising up in my entire body. Behind my eyes, into my fists, into my cheeks.
She was still staring at me, dumbfounded. “I was trying to protect you!”
I shook my head. “Don’t give me that bullshit. You were a fucking coward.” I meant every word, but even then I began to wonder if that was too soon. Even though it was true, I wonder if I should have apologized, before I had the chance, she was suddenly giggling. Tears rolled down her face and I wasn’t sure if it was because she was crying or laughing too hard.
I heard Harry start to wail and I let my head fall back against the wall. Bellatrix slumped to the floor by my feet. I couldn’t take it anymore and I stormed away to Harry’s room.
I took my time putting him back to sleep, I expected her to be gone by the time I was finished. I was surprised but managed not to show it when she was waiting for me in the hall. Her back was against the wall, arms crossed. I was wary all of a sudden. I didn’t want to fight any more. I didn’t want to drag on the inevitable, I wanted to stop knowing that this was the last time… the last time we…
“Just go.” I said quietly. Quietly because Harry was sleeping but also because I was just sick and tired of the hurt.
Our eyes met once again and neither one of us moved. We just stared for a long moment, both refusing to give in. I was still reeling from begging her to stay, I had vowed a long time ago to beg nothing from no one, my pride was smarting.
After an inhumanly long and suffering pause, she rolled her eyes and exhaled a breathy, “Fuck” before stepping to me and pressing her lips against mine. I opened my mouth, drawing her in. I linked my arms around her waist and pulled her to me as close as possible, molding myself to her.
She was taller than me; she had to crane her head down slightly to push our mouths impossibly closer. It was slightly painful, much like everything involving her.
Everything around me faded into the background, heat rushed through my body pooling into my stomach and I was surprised to hear myself moan into her. I rolled my hips and she backed me into a wall. I moved my arms around her neck and wrapped one leg around her’s, but it still wasn’t close enough.
I ran my fingers through her incredibly soft curls, tangling her locks around my fingers while forcing her closer. I was getting breathless and slightly panicked. I moaned again, louder, and felt annoyed and embarrassed that she could still do that to me. She moved her mouth to a tender spot on my neck that only two people in the entire world knew about. I threw my head back as shivers rocked my body. I knocked my head on the wall, but it felt good. I never could separate pleasure and pain when it came to Bellatrix Black… Lestrange, now.
She moved away very suddenly and I was horrified to hear a whimper escape my throat. She took my hand roughly and made for the bedroom. “No.” I croaked. “Couch.” And I pulled her into the tearoom. I didn’t think I could stand to have her in the bed I shared with my husband. The memory would haunt me forever, I might never be able to get her scent from the sheets.
She threw me to the couch and a thrill raced through my body. I arched my back as she descended and ran her hands all over me, everywhere she touched she left a burning sensation.
“Take this off.” She said tugging on my shirt and wordlessly I complied.
I arched up towards her again but she seemed paralysed. It took a moment for the lusty haze in my head to clear enough to realize she was just staring at me. Hesitating. Deliberating? Regretting? I should have stopped but at the same time I knew that if she did, I would never ever forgive her. If she left then, I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.
“Please.” I said quietly, so quiet I almost hoped she wouldn’t hear it. Another plea, another request, another broken promise to myself.
My words seemed to cure her of her uncertainty and she tossed her outer robes to the floor. Her vigour renewed, she pressed hard and lusty bites along my neck down to my breasts. I gasped and moaned and twitched whenever she reached ticklish or sensitive spots.
She stripped me of my remaining clothing with an expertise I tried not to think too hard about. Even though I knew that she wasn’t quite that well versed the last time we were together.
She teased me with bites and kisses, leaving marks that I would have to hide until they disappeared. I didn’t have the heart to heal them with magic even if it meant telling James some lies. She moved down my stomach and I suddenly became annoyed because she hadn’t taken off the rest of her clothing. I reached out to tug at her sleeve but she batted my hand away.
“No.” She said simply and with a sinking feeling I realized that she was not going to let me touch her. This was purely for my benefit. I suddenly felt like crying, I realized that maybe I was to blame for all of my own pain.
I had begged her and now she was merely giving me what I asked for. Guilt began to cloud my senses. A dead weight settled in my stomach.
I wanted her to stop, for my own conscience, but she moved too quickly and pressed her body heavily against mine. The fabric of her clothes against my nakedness shocked me and forced the breath from me. I grew suddenly calmer. More stable. She kissed me again, tangling her fingers roughly into my hair. I could feel her fingers scrape my skull as her tongue invaded the crevices of my mouth.
I wrapped my arms around her, willed her to feel me through her clothing and I knew that she did. I pressed into her, tangling her clothed legs in mine. If she was going to wear them, she would wear them home with my scent on them.
She broke our kiss and tugged my hair just hard enough to excite me. She moved her right hand down my body, the left one she fisted in my hair, pulling me to her lips again, I could hardly catch my breath. She licked my lower lip and I sighed, and then moaned when I felt her fingers press into me. My breath became ragged.
I squeezed my eyes shut to stop a needy whimper but when that didn’t work, I pressed my teeth into the exposed flesh of her neck. She hissed at that and began a slow, agonizing rhythm with her fingers.
I spread myself wider, “Faster.” I groaned but she wasn’t listening. She was torturing me, savouring me, making me beg. Loving the way I writhed.
“Please.” I hated her. I loved her.
Another moment of denying me and she finally complied. I moved my hips in time with
her and I tried to stifle my moans in her shoulder but they spilled out anyway.
She pressed her whole body into me as my moans grow shorter and she sensed how close to the edge I was. The feel of her velvet garments sliding against my skin pulled me over it.
Her name was breathy and high-pitched off my lips as my senses exploded with white light and I know I shouldn’t have sobbed her name quite so loud, but I did anyway. In the afterglow I suddenly became aware of the tears on my face. I was mortified but she merely kissed my eyelids and didn’t seem to notice.
“Bella…” I reached out and touched her lips, wishing I could make her stay, knowing that could never happen. Her expression was unreadable and I realized all too soon what a huge mistake we’d made. …I’d made.
We couldn’t go back. We could never be together like this again and this was nothing but a cruel reminder of what we were missing. I felt the cracks in my heart sing and I bit my lip, hard, to keep from saying things I knew I’d regret.
She turned away from me to fetch something from her robes. Her wand. She looked me in the eye and placed a hand against my cheek. Her tenderness was extremely rare, it surprised me.
“What are you doing?” I asked. My voice trembled with the tears I was trying not to let go of.
She handed me her wand and said without a hint of her usual demeanour, “I can’t remember this.”
I stared, dumbfounded. “You want me to Obliviate you?” My voice reflected how disbelieving and slightly angry I was.
She said nothing and only stared at me, imploring me.
“I can’t.” I said and was about to drop the wand but she grabbed my hand and pointed it at herself.
“You can’t do this to me.” She growled, all evidence of tenderness dissipated. I could see the extent of her emotions causing chaos in her eyes. Her hold on my hand tightened. “If I remember this, I will never be able to let you go.” She said lowly and darkly and it scared me.
“Do you understand?” She asked and she shook my hand for emphasis. “Never.”
I felt, rather than heard the cry of my own voice. But I knew she was right. More than right, she knew herself better than I thought she did and I was jealous that I hadn’t been able to come to that conclusion first.
“If you’re smart,” She continued. “You’ll do the same.”
I did what she asked and only once she was gone, did I let myself break down. When I had gotten a hold myself I dressed and dug through an old box. A box that I rarely opened but always had in my mind.
I found the ring she had given me, years ago. I didn’t dare ever wear it, in case someone asked me where I had gotten a Black Heirloom, but I imagined it often. I would gaze at my hand and wish that I could.
She had never asked for it back. I was sorry for that. As long as I had it there with me, I could never believe that it was really over between us. I had waited all these years for her to seek me out. Of course I hadn’t expected her to come for the reasons she did, but the important part was she had.
I drafted ten letters before deciding not to send one at all. I simply sent the ring in an envelope with her name.
She wanted to forget. So did I.
“You’ll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown - to you.
You’ll say don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.
You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie.”
/Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
Author: Quid Snidget
Pairing: Bellatrix/Lily
Genre: Angst, Romance.
Summary: Bellatrix and Lily try to say goodbye for the last time.
Rating: M. For sexual situations and language
Notes: The Companion Piece to Never Is A Promise. Bella’s
Never is a Promise (Part 2)
By: Quid Snidget
“You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colours richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow, the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgments made on you.
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you.
You say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.”
~Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”
It feels like someone’s struck me in the gut and it takes all the mental strength I have not to slam the door or scream out loud. Her eyes were smouldering and mocking, waiting for a reaction. I refused to give her one and braced myself against the door to cease the shaking that has suddenly overcome me.
She’s gorgeous. She still had the energetic air about her that has always pulled me to her like gravity. Her long, dark locks moved slightly in the wind and she pushed it over her shoulder. She’s too gorgeous for someone I had hoped had spent the last two years destroying herself for the poor choices she’d made.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, pleased that my voice doesn’t betray me.
“I need to talk to you.” She said quietly, conscience of the people around us. Her act of thoughtfulness struck me as odd but I ignored it. There was no way I was going to let her into my home. I knew better than to mistake her thoughtfulness for sincerity. She wanted something and I wasn’t going to give it to her.
“Then talk.” I said. I didn’t want her to gain the upper hand so quickly.
But I realized I was about to lose the test of will as she gave me her trademarked smile. Not so much a smile as a smirk and her smirk always had most the incredible attribute of looking so dignified it was mixed with that classical pureblooded egotism. Even out of her element, she knew how to get to me. “You really want me to say what I have to say, out here?”
I tore my eyes away from her and left her on the front steps; I knew she would follow me. I led her through the house and stiffened when she inquired after my husband. I almost didn’t tell her, in case that was exactly what she wanted, but I did anyway. “At work.”
We entered the tearoom and I was careful to make it clear using body language that I didn’t want her anywhere near me, she took the hint and sat on the other side of the table.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked, hoping to speed up the encounter.
Her eyes flashed with annoyance, “What, no small talk? No ‘how are you doing, Bella?’.”
I gritted my teeth and with the falsest sincerity I could muster, I asked, “How are you Bellatrix?”
She snorted at my tone and answered, “Fantastic.”
I felt anger boil up in me like a fire and I needed to leave the room. I used tea as an excuse. I didn’t bother asking her if she wanted any.
Memories tormented me as I stared at the kettle, waiting for it to boil instead of using my wand. I needed time to clear my head. Bellatrix always had the most profound effects on me. Her gaze, the way her body moves, it made my heart constrict and heat moved down my body igniting fires I had thought long dead. I caught my breath and noticed the kettle was singing.
I moved back into the living area with the tea. “Three sugars, right?” She doesn’t answer me, but she didn’t have to. I remember the smallest quirks about her. Everything from the way she tapped her quill when she was thinking to the small cease in her forehead when she was confused. The way her eyes turned liquid when I would sneak into her room, her smirking lips an invitation, her small gasps and sighs when I would press my lips to her.
Her words bring me out of my reveries, “So… is this it?”
I wasn’t sure what she was referring to. “Is what it?”
“This… this is your life now?” She had a horrible mixture of disappointment and disgust apparent on her features. She was testing me, I know.
I inhaled sharply and exhaled softly, I forced my voice to stay calm. “Yes.”
She stared hatefully into my eyes and the places where I’d stitched my heart back together throbbed anew. “And you are really happy here?” She asked. Every word pierced me like needles in an open wound. “In this stupid little town? In this pathetic little house? With your fucking little family-”
I couldn’t bear to hear my fears materialized, my insecurities voiced by someone who had no right to pass judgment on me. And the people who had never abandoned me being dismissed with callous words, I threw down my cup. “I can handle anything you dish out, but you will not insult my family in my own home!” I had the mind to magic her out the door, but she swiftly shut up and I remembered she was there for a reason.
“What do you want, Bellatrix?” I didn’t look up at her as I cleared away the mess I’d made. The room was too quiet and I wanted to say something just to alleviate the crushing silence, but suddenly she was pressing her lips to my hand. It burned into me like a brand and I wondered if she had branded me from the start.
I pulled away and tears forced themselves up into my eyes. “Don’t.” I whispered.
She backed away from me as if I’d cursed her. She backed into her chair and her eyes burned into me so fiercely I could feel it without looking.
Then she started to laugh. It started out quietly, even sardonically then it grew into a mad cackle. The same laughter mixed with anger as when I’d told her I was engaged. For a reason I didn’t quite understand, my hurt evolved into fury. I stepped to her and slapped her, hard. The surprise did nothing for my nerves and a tear escaped before I could stop it.
She reached out to me and I couldn’t bring myself to push her away again. She stoked my face and said, “Don’t you dare cry.” Her voice was unkind. A warning, I know that. She is capable of stupid things when I cry.
I haven’t cried over her for years, I was going to start again. “I’m not going to.” I said, to remind myself of it. I was angry again. I was hurt again. I was furious for letting myself bring her to this point. I should have pushed her out when I had the chance, I should have left her on the front steps. She could have sent me an owl, not come there in person. She had to know what seeing her would do to me.
It happened so fast that I’m not even sure now, who moved first, but we were pressed together, mouth-to-mouth, bodies pressing into each other as if the pain could be dissolved by friction. Could it?
I felt myself melt into her, shivers of longing wrecked havoc on my senses. I needed to step away to think straight.
“Is this why you came here?” I had to know. Somehow I couldn’t believe that. She was too stubborn for that to be true.
“No.” She sighed and I felt a little better. The slight elevation in mood dropped again at her next statement, “The Dark Lord put me in charge of one of the groups being sent to find you.”
I struggled momentously to limit my reaction. “You’re being sent to kill me?” I just barely manage to voice it.
“You and your family.” She elaborated and I felt sick to my stomach.
I was confused, how could she come here and tell me this? How could I forget that she is the enemy? “Then what are you-”
“You need to get away from here.” Her concern shocks me and makes me suspicious. But James and I already knew that. I closed my eyes, willing myself to believe that love for me is not what brought her there.
“You can’t fight this.” She said, increasing my doubt. “You can’t fight him.”
“I have already, a few times.” I was insulted she’d forget. My local fame certainly hadn’t let me forget.
“And every time you just barely escaped! If he gets your location, you won’t be able to slip away this time!”
It occured to me, finally, that she actually meant to help me. “You’re not going to tell him.” I said, almost disbelievingly.
“No,” She sighed in annoyance. “But that doesn’t mean the others won’t find you.”
I don’t like being addressed like a helpless child. Did I not just say I’ve fought the Dark Lord himself more then once? “Don’t act like you’re doing me some big favour by telling me this, we already know he’s after us and we already have a plan.” I said before I realize the slip.
She demanded to know how we uncovered the information, but I knew better than to trust her with secrets.
She suddenly looked a lot older, a lot more tormented. My secret wish that she’d spent the time without me tearing herself apart seemed suddenly plausible. I was sorry I wasn’t more careful with my words. I had an intense desire to touch her. I stroked her cheek and for the first time since she’d arrived, our eyes locked.
I could see my desires reflected in her eyes. The memories of our time together burst into my head like a flood from a breaking dam. They overwhelmed me and the fire in my stomach spread to every inch of my body. I was aware of every inch of her. The faint scent of rosewood transported me to years before, stolen moments in darkened hallways.
It was way too much to deny. I needed her to touch me.
“James won’t be home for a while. Why don’t you stay a little longer?” I stepped back, waiting for her to catch my meaning and make the next step. I forced thoughts of James, of adultery, out of my mind.
She took my hand and kissed it, then she dropped it and backed away. “I need to go.”
I’m shocked at how wounded I am. I didn’t think she still had that kind of power over me. Her refusal stung, she might have stabbed me with a teaspoon. I opened my mouth to say something… what though?
“I need to go.” She said again and moved past me quickly. Headed back toward the door.
It took me a moment to get my body to move after her. “Wait.” I tried desperately to hide the hurt in my voice. To disguise the agony and the want. I couldn’t describe the relief I felt when she stopped short of the door.
Through all the time we had spent together and the time we had spent apart, I never let myself ask her for anything. Mostly out of fear, afraid I would push her away if I was to make demands. I always gave her full control, let her define exactly what we were. I thought it would be easier, but I understand now that it only pulled us apart even faster.
“Please.” I whispered and she turned back to me with fire in her eyes.
“Why?” She asked, her voice was above a tremble and a newfound courage glared through to me.
“Why did you leave me for him?”
I stare at her, unbelieving. It didn’t make any sense. Where was this coming from? “What?” I asked, my voice was as confused as I felt.
“Why did you chose him over me?” She asked and again I’m very confused by the question.
I had no idea what she was talking about. “I... I never… I didn’t!” In a moment, it occurs to me. Could she have really believed that we could still be together after she’d taken his mark? It is incredible to me that this thought could even begin to exist and she was angry again at my answer.
“What? You just fucked off and married him without saying anything to me!” She screamed.
I screamed back, “You chose first!” My thoughts and fears became concrete as the shadows fall across her face. She really didn’t understand.
“What the hell are you talking about?” She barked.
“You chose Voldemort over me. You let him brand you behind my back! Did you honestly think a relationship could work while we were fighting on opposite sides of a war?” I felt the heat rising up in my entire body. Behind my eyes, into my fists, into my cheeks.
She was still staring at me, dumbfounded. “I was trying to protect you!”
I shook my head. “Don’t give me that bullshit. You were a fucking coward.” I meant every word, but even then I began to wonder if that was too soon. Even though it was true, I wonder if I should have apologized, before I had the chance, she was suddenly giggling. Tears rolled down her face and I wasn’t sure if it was because she was crying or laughing too hard.
I heard Harry start to wail and I let my head fall back against the wall. Bellatrix slumped to the floor by my feet. I couldn’t take it anymore and I stormed away to Harry’s room.
I took my time putting him back to sleep, I expected her to be gone by the time I was finished. I was surprised but managed not to show it when she was waiting for me in the hall. Her back was against the wall, arms crossed. I was wary all of a sudden. I didn’t want to fight any more. I didn’t want to drag on the inevitable, I wanted to stop knowing that this was the last time… the last time we…
“Just go.” I said quietly. Quietly because Harry was sleeping but also because I was just sick and tired of the hurt.
Our eyes met once again and neither one of us moved. We just stared for a long moment, both refusing to give in. I was still reeling from begging her to stay, I had vowed a long time ago to beg nothing from no one, my pride was smarting.
After an inhumanly long and suffering pause, she rolled her eyes and exhaled a breathy, “Fuck” before stepping to me and pressing her lips against mine. I opened my mouth, drawing her in. I linked my arms around her waist and pulled her to me as close as possible, molding myself to her.
She was taller than me; she had to crane her head down slightly to push our mouths impossibly closer. It was slightly painful, much like everything involving her.
Everything around me faded into the background, heat rushed through my body pooling into my stomach and I was surprised to hear myself moan into her. I rolled my hips and she backed me into a wall. I moved my arms around her neck and wrapped one leg around her’s, but it still wasn’t close enough.
I ran my fingers through her incredibly soft curls, tangling her locks around my fingers while forcing her closer. I was getting breathless and slightly panicked. I moaned again, louder, and felt annoyed and embarrassed that she could still do that to me. She moved her mouth to a tender spot on my neck that only two people in the entire world knew about. I threw my head back as shivers rocked my body. I knocked my head on the wall, but it felt good. I never could separate pleasure and pain when it came to Bellatrix Black… Lestrange, now.
She moved away very suddenly and I was horrified to hear a whimper escape my throat. She took my hand roughly and made for the bedroom. “No.” I croaked. “Couch.” And I pulled her into the tearoom. I didn’t think I could stand to have her in the bed I shared with my husband. The memory would haunt me forever, I might never be able to get her scent from the sheets.
She threw me to the couch and a thrill raced through my body. I arched my back as she descended and ran her hands all over me, everywhere she touched she left a burning sensation.
“Take this off.” She said tugging on my shirt and wordlessly I complied.
I arched up towards her again but she seemed paralysed. It took a moment for the lusty haze in my head to clear enough to realize she was just staring at me. Hesitating. Deliberating? Regretting? I should have stopped but at the same time I knew that if she did, I would never ever forgive her. If she left then, I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.
“Please.” I said quietly, so quiet I almost hoped she wouldn’t hear it. Another plea, another request, another broken promise to myself.
My words seemed to cure her of her uncertainty and she tossed her outer robes to the floor. Her vigour renewed, she pressed hard and lusty bites along my neck down to my breasts. I gasped and moaned and twitched whenever she reached ticklish or sensitive spots.
She stripped me of my remaining clothing with an expertise I tried not to think too hard about. Even though I knew that she wasn’t quite that well versed the last time we were together.
She teased me with bites and kisses, leaving marks that I would have to hide until they disappeared. I didn’t have the heart to heal them with magic even if it meant telling James some lies. She moved down my stomach and I suddenly became annoyed because she hadn’t taken off the rest of her clothing. I reached out to tug at her sleeve but she batted my hand away.
“No.” She said simply and with a sinking feeling I realized that she was not going to let me touch her. This was purely for my benefit. I suddenly felt like crying, I realized that maybe I was to blame for all of my own pain.
I had begged her and now she was merely giving me what I asked for. Guilt began to cloud my senses. A dead weight settled in my stomach.
I wanted her to stop, for my own conscience, but she moved too quickly and pressed her body heavily against mine. The fabric of her clothes against my nakedness shocked me and forced the breath from me. I grew suddenly calmer. More stable. She kissed me again, tangling her fingers roughly into my hair. I could feel her fingers scrape my skull as her tongue invaded the crevices of my mouth.
I wrapped my arms around her, willed her to feel me through her clothing and I knew that she did. I pressed into her, tangling her clothed legs in mine. If she was going to wear them, she would wear them home with my scent on them.
She broke our kiss and tugged my hair just hard enough to excite me. She moved her right hand down my body, the left one she fisted in my hair, pulling me to her lips again, I could hardly catch my breath. She licked my lower lip and I sighed, and then moaned when I felt her fingers press into me. My breath became ragged.
I squeezed my eyes shut to stop a needy whimper but when that didn’t work, I pressed my teeth into the exposed flesh of her neck. She hissed at that and began a slow, agonizing rhythm with her fingers.
I spread myself wider, “Faster.” I groaned but she wasn’t listening. She was torturing me, savouring me, making me beg. Loving the way I writhed.
“Please.” I hated her. I loved her.
Another moment of denying me and she finally complied. I moved my hips in time with
her and I tried to stifle my moans in her shoulder but they spilled out anyway.
She pressed her whole body into me as my moans grow shorter and she sensed how close to the edge I was. The feel of her velvet garments sliding against my skin pulled me over it.
Her name was breathy and high-pitched off my lips as my senses exploded with white light and I know I shouldn’t have sobbed her name quite so loud, but I did anyway. In the afterglow I suddenly became aware of the tears on my face. I was mortified but she merely kissed my eyelids and didn’t seem to notice.
“Bella…” I reached out and touched her lips, wishing I could make her stay, knowing that could never happen. Her expression was unreadable and I realized all too soon what a huge mistake we’d made. …I’d made.
We couldn’t go back. We could never be together like this again and this was nothing but a cruel reminder of what we were missing. I felt the cracks in my heart sing and I bit my lip, hard, to keep from saying things I knew I’d regret.
She turned away from me to fetch something from her robes. Her wand. She looked me in the eye and placed a hand against my cheek. Her tenderness was extremely rare, it surprised me.
“What are you doing?” I asked. My voice trembled with the tears I was trying not to let go of.
She handed me her wand and said without a hint of her usual demeanour, “I can’t remember this.”
I stared, dumbfounded. “You want me to Obliviate you?” My voice reflected how disbelieving and slightly angry I was.
She said nothing and only stared at me, imploring me.
“I can’t.” I said and was about to drop the wand but she grabbed my hand and pointed it at herself.
“You can’t do this to me.” She growled, all evidence of tenderness dissipated. I could see the extent of her emotions causing chaos in her eyes. Her hold on my hand tightened. “If I remember this, I will never be able to let you go.” She said lowly and darkly and it scared me.
“Do you understand?” She asked and she shook my hand for emphasis. “Never.”
I felt, rather than heard the cry of my own voice. But I knew she was right. More than right, she knew herself better than I thought she did and I was jealous that I hadn’t been able to come to that conclusion first.
“If you’re smart,” She continued. “You’ll do the same.”
I did what she asked and only once she was gone, did I let myself break down. When I had gotten a hold myself I dressed and dug through an old box. A box that I rarely opened but always had in my mind.
I found the ring she had given me, years ago. I didn’t dare ever wear it, in case someone asked me where I had gotten a Black Heirloom, but I imagined it often. I would gaze at my hand and wish that I could.
She had never asked for it back. I was sorry for that. As long as I had it there with me, I could never believe that it was really over between us. I had waited all these years for her to seek me out. Of course I hadn’t expected her to come for the reasons she did, but the important part was she had.
I drafted ten letters before deciding not to send one at all. I simply sent the ring in an envelope with her name.
She wanted to forget. So did I.
“You’ll never touch these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown - to you.
You’ll say don’t fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie.
You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie.”
/Fiona Apple “Never is a Promise”