Fic: Ghosts
Title: Ghosts
Author: Quid G. Snidget
Pairings: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily
Genre: Fun, Romance, Angst.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus is getting married. Sirius is happy for him. Until some ghosts remind him that he’s not.
Notes/Warnings Blame Charles Dickens. I tried to make the memories clearly differentiated from the present with italics. Not sure if it worked. I apologize for any confusion. Other than that, bad jokes and total disregard for canonical events.
Sirius couldn’t remember how many drinks he’d had. The count was somewhere between a lot and too many. Yet the persistent pang in his chest hadn’t weakened at all. With every other blink he was beginning to see double. He had stopped actually talking to the bartender an hour ago and now only waved and nodded to signal ‘more’.
A few very attractive girls had approached him to offer their assistance in ‘helping him forget his troubles’, but he had refused them all. He’d almost said yes to one in particular. She was a gorgeous girl, tall, with light brown hair and deep brown eyes like honey… but really, they should be more of an amber, he thought. They should also have just barely a flick of blue at the corners, but only in certain shades of light, and a smile that was sexy only because he didn’t even know it was and…
No, this wasn’t helping at all. In fact, it was making him feel worse. Instead of the obliterating numbness he’d been wanting and expecting, he felt more raw and unnerved than before.
“Think you’ve had enough, Old Pal?”
Sirius knew that he had to be hearing things. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in years, except in his dreams or more frequent, his nightmares. It cut through his booze-induced fog like a razor through soap.
He looked up and blinked a few times to try and clear his vision, but the figure sitting across from him didn’t fade away. “Prongs?” Sirius muttered. Was he asleep? He pushed a shot glass at the supposed-to-be-dead one; it went through him and shattered on the floor.
“That’s productive.” James rolled his eyes. It wasn’t just sarcasm, it was Potter trademark sarcasm. There was no way Sirius’ mind could have imitated it that perfectly under the heavy alcohol influence.
“Is that really you?” He said, squinting.
James shrugged. “More or less.” He looked at his hands and wiggled them in front of his face. He seemed to be getting less and less transparent as the seconds passed. “I mean more in the sense that I’m more here than usual, but less in the way that I’m not actually physical… or something. Not sure, actually. Skipped the handbook.”
Sirius rubbed his temples, handling Potter’s witticisms while drunk was never a smart idea. “Huh?”
James sighed. “Never mind. Get up, we’ve got to go.”
“Go? Go where?” Sirius glanced around at all the people around him. No one seemed to be paying attention to him. “Am I dead?” He whispered.
“No.” James said and grabbed his hand. It was ice cold. “But we’re going on a trip. There are some things I need to show you.”
Sirius had never been a reasonable drunk. If anything, he tipped more toward belligerent. He also had no appreciation for dead best friends coming back from the grave to tell him what to do. “No.”
James sighed loudly and crossed his arms. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re doing here?”
Tonight had been Remus and Tonks’ wedding rehearsal dinner. Sirius didn’t know much about ghosts but he was pretty sure James already knew why he was sitting there, alone, on the night before his living best friend’s wedding day. He supposed that James had always known, in his odd way, without Sirius ever having to tell him. James had never mentioned it though and Sirius had been grateful for that. Especially considering how everything had ended…
Months ago when Remus had told Sirius that he was getting married, Sirius had been genuinely happy for him. He’d also been honestly honoured when he asked Sirius to be his best man. Now the months had flown by, suddenly the wedding was just around the corner and suddenly Sirius wasn’t so excited.
The rehearsal had started out just fine. Sirius laughed and teased with the others and was actually looking forward to all the festivities. God knew that they didn’t have much to celebrate these days. They were half way through the rehearsal ceremony when Sirius noticed that something was wrong. A deep ache started at the left corner of his chest and was slowly and agonizingly making its way across. It crept up his neck and manifested itself into a massive migraine. He excused himself and went up to his room.
He’d slept it off and, when he felt better, he decided to join the party at the post-rehearsal dinner. He headed downstairs to the kitchen but stopped at the door. It was like slow motion as Sirius watched Remus address his wedding party. He smiled graciously, full of love for his friends and family. He laughed at some wisecrack someone said and then he looked up at Sirius standing in the doorway. His smile widened and his eyes lit up. “Sirius, there you are.” And for one splinter of a second, Sirius got a glimpse of a false future. For that splinter of a second, Sirius had never understood anything quite so clearly.
Sirius felt himself go pale. Remus noticed right away and in an instant his blissful smile disappeared. “Are you okay?” He asked and made a start to walk over to him.
“Fine.” Sirius insisted but it came out as more of a bark. “I just… I’m just going to call it a night. I’ll see you tomorrow… first thing, okay?” And he stumbled away, praying to anything holy that Remus wouldn’t follow. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but his stomach seemed determined to come out his mouth. He made it outside where it still hurt to breathe, but he had an idea. The tavern. His throat was dry and his eyes stung but he was sure that the tavern would make him feel better…
It hadn’t.
“I have drinks to finish.” Sirius stated moodily to the nosy ghost and refused to budge.
James would not be deterred. “Bring them with. We’ll play drinking games.”
Sirius couldn’t think of another excuse before James hauled him up out of his chair. Before he could even blink, they’d apparated.
When they’d reached their destination, James strode ahead along a long corridor while Sirius threw up. When his head had cleared a little and he’d finished coughing, he caught up.
“We’re at Hogwarts.” Sirius said blankly. “Why are we at Hogwarts?”
James didn’t say anything as they walked through the halls to the main entrance. They walked through the front door and out into the field. It was dark already, the stars were bright and the moon was waxing.
“Am I a ghost too?” Sirius asked, trying to see through his hand and gazing back at the door that they’d walked through.
“Nope.” James said. “Just a bystander, like in a pensieve. We’re just here to observe. Now shut up, it’s starting.”
Sirius watched in awe as their fifth year selves bounded down the school stairs into the grounds.
Fifth-year Sirius and James raced each other and Peter struggled to keep up. Remus walked behind them at a leisurely pace with a pensive look on his face.
“What is this about?” Remus asked once he’d caught up to the bubbling trio. They were grinning like madmen.
“We have a surprise for you.” Fifth-year James grinned. “You’re going to love it.”
Remus looked apprehensive. “If it’s anything like the No-More-Homework-Quill, I think I’ll pass.”
“Come on!” Sirius said and grabbed Remus’ hand. They took off toward the Forbidden Forest.
James turned to Sirius, “You remember this?”
Sirius grinned. “It’s the night we showed Remus that we’d become Animagi.”
James nodded. “Do you remember whose idea it was that we should all become Animagi so he wouldn’t have to be alone during the full moon?”
Sirius was quiet for a moment. “Me.”
James nodded. “Have a shot.”
They did.
“Where are we now?” Sirius asked after they’d apparated again. He didn’t throw up this time.
“Sixth year. A week before the Yule Ball.”
They were in the Gryffindor common room. Sixth-year Sirius was pretending to study while stretched out on the couch. Remus was actually studying in the chair across from him.
Lily entered the room from the outside corridor. She flopped down in the chair beside Remus with a dramatic sigh.
“Remus, who is James taking to the Yule Ball?” She asked, or rather, demanded.
By sixth year Lily and James had become infamous for their lover’s spats. “It’s not that Slytherin slut, is it? Because if it is, I swear to god, I’m asking Rosier.” She said.
Remus sighed. “I don’t know Lily, he hasn’t said anything to me.”
“Sirius?” Lily asked and Sirius tried to ignore her. She kicked him in the leg. “I need to know!” Sirius gave up pretending to study and over-exaggerated rubbing his shin in pain.
“He doesn’t know yet, but it’s between ‘really going to annoy you’ and ‘really going to piss you off’.” He said with a glare. “What’s the big deal anyway? It’s just a stupid dance.”
James chose that moment to come in from the Quidditch Captains’ Meeting. Lily and James stared at each other for a second before Lily huffed and ran up to her room.
James commandeered her spot beside Remus. “Did she say anything? Does she know who she’s going with to the Ball?”
Remus sighed. “She doesn’t know yet.” He returned to his reading.
Sirius snarled into a pillow. “Will you two kiss and make up already? This is getting really annoying.”
James rolled his eyes and went up to their dorm.
Remus put down his book and looked over at Sirius. “So… do you know who you’re asking to the Ball?”
Sirius had made a game out of flipping a pillow over his head and catching it before it fell. “Don’t know, don’t really care. It’s-”
“Just a stupid dance, I know. You’ve said so at least twelve times today.” Remus finished for him.
“Why?” Sirius asked. “Do you know who you’re asking? Or did you want some advice?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I do have a knack for that kind of stuff.”
Remus smiled at him and Sirius squirmed in his seat. Remus’ smiles always made him feel strange and uncomfortable.
“Well…” Remus said haltingly. “I kind of thought… that maybe… if you wanted to… maybe we could go together.”
Sirius looked over at him, not noticing at all the blush on his friend’s face. “Yeah? That could be fun. Why does everyone want a date so badly anyway? Going with friends is cool.”
Sirius didn’t catch the disappointment that flittered across Remus’ face. “Yeah… ” Remus tried to give Sirius another smile, but it wasn’t nearly as brilliant.
As the memory faded away, Sirius turned back to James. “Tell me I wasn’t that oblivious.”
James sucked in his breath through his teeth and winced. “Take a shot. It gets better.”
It was a week later and couples were still arriving at the Ball Room, even though the dance had started half an hour ago. Sirius, Remus, Peter, James, and James’ last minute date walked through the Great Hall doors. They weren’t concerned about being late; they were rarely on time for anything.
“Wow, they really went over the top this year.” Peter whistled.
They admired the decorations that had transformed the Great Hall into a golden wonderland.
“It’s beautiful! How did they make those gold thingies sparkle?” The last-minute-date asked, never mind that they’d learned those spells in second year Transfiguration.
Sirius groaned softly into his hand and leered at James. “She’s fanTAStic.” He said in a mock high-pitched voice. If she knew he was making fun of her, she didn’t seem to notice. “When can we get your old one back?”
James growled at him and led his date away. Peter scurried after them.
Remus looked uncomfortable. Sirius and James had dragged him to Hogsmeade to get dress robes the week before. The ones he’d arrived with that year looked like they’d been sewn together by a two-year-old. Now however, he looked extremely fetching, but Remus was self-conscious. He kept picking at invisible flaws.
“Will you stop fidgeting?” Sirius was annoyed. “You look fine.”
Remus inhaled slowly. “Are you sure? You’re not just saying that?”
Sirius hadn’t particularly paid close attention, but he made a point of looking closely now. It was odd though. As he did it, his breath seemed to shorten. He noticed, for the first time, the curve of Remus’ neck and the way his hair fell. Were his eyes always that colour? Like… golden brown or something. There was a dash of blue that Sirius was certain was not always there. Remus fidgeted some more under his perusal and Sirius found himself staring at Remus’ hands, his long fingers elegantly toying with his sleeve, the gold lights illuminating the odd scar here and there.
“You look… good.” He breathed.
James, asshole ghost extraordinaire, grinned. “There’s that elegant Black articulation.”
“Shut up, Potter.”
Remus beamed at him. “You look good too.”
Sirius and Remus got themselves a table in the back. They talked, joked, and Sirius made a game out of making up date stories about the couples on the dance floor.
“See that one over there? He obvious asked her on a dare. See his friends over there? They’ve been laughing the whole time!” Sirius hooted and tipped his chair back slightly.
“That poor girl.” Remus said. “I hope someone tells her what’s going on.”
Sirius frowned and put his chair legs back on the ground. “You take the fun out of everything.”
Remus didn’t apologize and they sat in silence for a few moments. They spotted James and Lily arguing at the other side of the hall. Their respective dates were trying not to watch and looking as though they might just run off together.
Then Remus said, “What kind of story do you suppose people would make up about us?”
Sirius regarded Remus carefully. “Well… they’d probably think we’re losers who couldn’t get dates.” He thought about his words and then continued. “Or maybe they’d think we were each other’s dates.”
Remus crossed his arms. “Well it’d be the former since we’ve only sat here since arriving.”
“I’ve been asked to dance plenty of times.” Sirius pointed out.
“Yes and I said you could go ahead. I’m fine sitting here by myself.” Remus said in an entirely unconvincing manner.
Sirius smirked. “You’re such a lousy liar.” He got up and held out his hand.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked him, slightly confused but curious.
“You can be a dateless loser or you can be my date.” Sirius grinned and Remus only hesitated for a second before taking his hand.
Sirius pulled Remus onto the dance floor and didn’t notice all the people who were staring. Some were impressed, some were scandalized, some were confused, and others assumed it was part of a joke.
They danced two dances and then a slow song came on. Sirius put his arms around Remus’ neck with a sly smirk. “Ooh, I like this song.” He said.
Remus carefully put his hands on his waist. “…me too.” Remus’ face was red but the dim lights hid it. He was staring at Sirius intently but Sirius wasn’t paying attention. He was making faces at the people around them.
Sirius put his head on Remus’ shoulder and wondered if Remus always smelled this nice. What was that? Shampoo or something?
Remus stopped moving and stepped away slightly, causing Sirius to lift his head and drop his arms. “What?” He asked.
Remus had a look of steady determination as he tilted Sirius’s chin up and ignoring the confused look in Sirius’ eyes, placed a kiss on his lips. It was soft and slow and it made Sirius’ heart stop. It took his breath completely away. He stepped back and regarded Remus for a second before laughing. “Okay, joke gone too far.”
The ballroom and the memory swirled away. Sirius closed his eyes but the look on Remus’ face stayed with him.
“I thought he was joking.” Sirius pleaded to James. “I thought we were just messing with people.”
James smiled kindly. “I know, Pal.” He patted him on the back. “For being the amazing, gifted, and talented wizard that you are… you’re also a completely and utterly self-absorbed jackass.”
Sirius knew what was coming next. It was a memory he had tried really hard to repress. It had worked too… for the most part.
“Um… I think I get the point.” He said to James as they stood outside the doors of the Potter home nearly fifteen years ago. “So we can skip this one, okay?”
James shook his head sadly. “Sorry, Padfoot.” James hugged his shoulders. “We’re almost done.”
Sirius really, really didn’t want to go in there. “I can’t-” But James shoved him through the door anyway and followed right behind him.
It was James’ stag party. The night before James and Lily’s wedding.
James was already beyond drunk at that point in the night. Sirius was fulfilling his dutiful role as best man and kept handing him drinks. “Drink up, Potter! In sixteen hours you’re a doomed man!”
James tried to say something witty but had to massage his head instead. He groaned as Wormtail pushed another shooter at him. “Come on! One for every happy year, right? You’re only at thirteen!”
Sirius roared with laughter and drank his own shooters. He looked around at the crowd and wondered aloud, “Where’d Moony go?”
Wormtail just pointed at the back door and gave James another shot as Kingsley filled Sirius’ spot and whacked James on the back. “Come on, Man, drink!”
Sirius wandered outside and spotted Remus standing by the back fence staring at the crescent moon.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Sirius asked and joined Remus at the fence. “You’re missing our boy become a man.”
Remus smiled at him and Sirius was slowly getting used to how his stomach filled with bats every time.
There was a thick tension in the air. Sirius could feel his heart speeding up and could not pinpoint the explanation.
“I think I just had a little too much to drink.” Remus admitted. He never had been much of a drinker. “Needed to clear my head.”
Sirius nodded. “Yeah… I’m feeling a bit light-headed too.”
Remus snickered. “That’s really saying something. You can drink like a fish.”
Sirius laughed at that and it wasn’t even really funny. “Yeah…”
There was another silence and then Sirius put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe he’s getting married.”
Remus gave a short laugh. “Well he has been dating Lily for forever, it couldn’t have…” Remus’ sentenced trailed off as he turned to Sirius. “Are you okay, Padfoot?”
Sirius felt himself start to shake. “Um… I… I don’t know.” He was really freaking out. “I just keep thinking… like, that this is the end. You know? I’m losing my best friend.”
Remus reached out to him and pulled him into his arms. “You can’t lose him. He’s impossible to lose. You could try and he’d just show up somewhere else, telling you that you’re the one who’s lost.” Sirius was suddenly oh-so-very-aware of Remus’ lips in his hair. He was also hyperaware of Remus’ body-heat and the muscle in his arms. Sirius forgot to breathe and had to take in a deep breath when his lungs screamed for oxygen. He inhaled Remus’ scent. (No really, what kind of shampoo was that?) And before he’d really processed it, he’d pulled away just enough to locate precisely where Remus’ lips were and press his own against them.
Remus gasped a little in surprise and Sirius didn’t think twice about using the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Remus pressed back with equal vigour. He pulled Sirius closer and Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist bringing their bodies together. The friction ignited fire in Sirius’ core and he pushed Remus against the fence.
“Um…” James shifted uncomfortably. “I’m just gonna… wait for you inside, okay?” Sirius didn’t answer; he watched the memory unfold in front of him. He ached.
Sirius’s moment of feral lust didn’t last long because he was quickly over powered by the sometimes werewolf. He didn’t mind though, not as long as Remus kept doing whatever he was doing with his tongue. He groaned deep in his throat and arched against Remus’ touches. Everywhere he ran his fingers, he left fireworks. He left small bite marks down Sirius’ neck.
Sirius let Remus keep him pinned against the fence wall with his body. He could hear the needy gasps he was making and wanted to stop them, but he was powerless to. He was also becoming increasingly annoyed that Remus had yet to make any noise at all. To remedy that, he undid the front of Remus’ trousers and slid his hand into them in one smooth movement. He was rewarded with another sharp inhale and then a low moan.
Smug, Sirius left his own mark on Remus’ collarbone. He thrust against him eliciting another lovely moan… and then it happened.
It was the moment that Sirius had been dreading. The moment he’d spent a great amount of time pretending to forget.
Remus pressed his lips to Sirius’s ear and whispered. “I love you.” He whispered that he loved him. And Sirius… said nothing.
He froze. He was rooted to the spot, at a loss for words. He stopped his ministrations and stared.
Remus felt him go rigid and pulled away. “What is it?” He asked. His eyes shining with an animal lust that quickly faded to concern. “Sirius?”
Sirius tried to swallow but the inexplicable panic threatened to consume him. He pulled away, practically shoving Remus off of him. He stumbled across the yard to the gate and let himself out. After a couple minutes the unmistakable sound of his motorbike sounded, then just as quickly, faded into the distance.
Sirius stood where he was. He needed in a masochistic way, to see what he never wanted to.
He watched as Remus crumbled in onto himself. Fell back against the fence with a bitter outburst and sunk to the ground. As much as Sirius wanted to close his eyes and look away, he forced himself not to.
True to his word, James was waiting for him inside the house. He was watching himself be bullied into taking more shots. “Kingsley you asshole, I’m lucky I didn’t get alcohol pois-” He noticed Sirius walk in.
Sirius felt numb, cold. He couldn’t look James in the eye. James walked over to him and took his hand. “Are you ready?” He asked.
Sirius stared at nothing for a very long moment. “I don’t think I can do the next one, James.”
James squeezed his hand. “It’s the last one, I promise.”
The morning of the Potters’ wedding had sucked. Everyone was hung-over but miraculously made it on time. Sirius lightly dozed as the minister explained the more boring and traditional meanings of the wedding ceremony.
Everyone made for the door when the speech was done, to start getting dressed, to make sure everything was ready, to hide the bride from the groom and what not. Sirius was so out of it, he didn’t notice Lily-soon-to-be-Potter storm over to where he was napping. She didn’t wake him gently.
The sting to his cheek shocked him wide-awake. He stared, horrified, into her molten green eyes. “What was that for?”
Lily lowered her voice in case anyone was near. “What the fuck did you do?”
Sirius swallowed. “What do you mean?”
“I want you to explain to me why one of my fiancée’s groomsmen just asked me if he could leave.” She hissed.
Sirius took a deep breath. “Lily, I can’t do this right now. I really can’t.”
“You go over there and talk to him. Right. Now.”
“I can’t.”
Lily placed a hand on his thigh and dug her nails in until he hissed and winced. “If you ruin this day for me Sirius Black,” She said in an eerily calm voice. “I swear to God it will be the last thing you ever do.”
She left him there. Sirius banged his head against the chair in front of him in frustration before getting up and very slowly making his way outside. Remus was staring out into the surrounding trees. His shoulders were slumped and everything about him suggested that there were storm clouds over his head.
“Remus?” Sirius didn’t get too close, not the most spectacular example of Gryffindor bravery. “Lily told me that you were acting… strange. She wanted me to ask if you were okay.”
He couldn’t remember why he thought the nonchalant approach would work.
Remus stiffened and said nothing. He didn’t move, just kept staring out at nothing.
“Um…” Sirius continued. “I think we’re going to be starting soon. So… if you want to come inside.”
Slowly, very slowly, Remus turned around to face him. Sirius held his breath. “Padfoot, could you do me a favour?”
Sirius let out the breath he’d been holding. “Of course! Anything.” He tried to give him a winning smile. Remus remained stoic.
“Stay away from me.” Remus said and brushed by him. He disappeared into the building.
Sirius and the one haunting him watched the young Sirius stare at the ground. Unmoving, completely shut off.
“This is what you wanted to show me?” Sirius asked James. “All the ways I’ve fucked up. So you can tell me I have no right to be jealous and angry that he’s getting married now?”
James made no move to answer him.
“Well?” Frustration and resentment began to overpower Sirius’ senses. Why the fuck did James have to come back and make Sirius feel even worse? These memories were precisely what he’d been trying not to think about as he drank his way through his misery. It had always worked before.
“My point,” James said stepping between where the past Sirius and the present one stood. “Is that you’ve been punishing yourself ever since. What did you see when the Dementors reached through your bars in Azkaban?”
Sirius closed his eyes against the memory. “I saw a lot of things. A lot of awful things.”
“Which one kept you awake for days because it only got more vivid if you slept?” James pressed.
Sirius didn’t answer. He glared at the dirt.
“Answer me.” James insisted and despite Sirius’ current resentment, it had been a long time since someone brave enough had tried to tell Sirius to man up.
“It was learning that someone who was supposed to be our friend murdered you!” Sirius growled. “Happy?”
“Flattered.” James said flatly. “But that was only the first couple of years… after that you were almost envious of me, weren’t you?” James circled around so that he was closer to Sirius. “I was blasted into blissful oblivion and you were stuck in that hellhole, reliving the lowest point of your existence. Now, tell me what that was.”
Sirius closed his eyes, forcing the anger back. James had never steered him wrong before. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “It’s when I walk back in there,” He pointed to the church. “And I stand up there beside you and beside him and act like nothing’s wrong. I can’t bring myself to do anything because I’m so fucking angry at him.” He doesn’t have to say, and at myself. Sirius could feel the old wounds that had taken over a decade to heal tear wide open. Old blood running red again. Is this what James calls healing?
When time had passed, Sirius and Remus had tried to be civil to each other. Especially while Lily, Harry, and James were around… but it was so hard.
The memories of the following hellish years forced themselves into Sirius’ head, as if he were going to have to relive them too. Sirius had broken away from their close-knit group, travelling and taking comfort wherever it was offered. It was obvious that he was running from something, but no one dared mention what it might be. Sirius would go weeks without talking to James or Lily; he found it easier to deal with their disproval than their concern.
He had managed to avoid Remus entirely, until Harry’s first birthday. The first social gathering they’d had since the wedding.
Even then, the conversations were strained at best. Sirius had felt like a stranger in what had once been his only true home. Still, he had hope deep down that things would get better someday. In fact, Sirius was absolutely certain that they were… until they got, much, much worse.
“None of it ever really finalized in my head.” Sirius said, finally looking up at James. “I never really believed that it was over for me and Remus. But then… in that cell, it occurred to me. He actually thought that I,” He swallowed hard. “I mean, he thought I had betrayed you.” His voice cracked. It was that single fact that had destroyed him in Azkaban, kept him there until he’d found a way to prove his innocence… and be able to look Remus in the eye again. His self-imposed isolation had backfired and isolation had become his entire life. “I think that was first time I understood just how badly I’d fucked up.”
James grinned at him. Proud of him. Sirius wished his eyes weren’t blurring so that he could punch the smug asshole right in his smug ghost face.
Sirius woke up with the worst hangover he’d had in years. He spent the first hour moaning bloody murder and running to the bathroom every few minutes.
At every sound and every glimpse of the sunlight bleeding in from the window, he wanted to shove his head through a wall.
He was debating whether he should ever get up or not, wedding be damned, when a soft voice from his side said, “Feeling better? Ready to go?”
Sirius barely managed to turn his head slow enough. “…Lily?”
She grinned down at him. “I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present.”
Sirius frowned. The action hurting his head more than it should have. “The what? Christmas? What the hell are you talking about?”
Lily wasn’t amused. “Not a Dickens fan?”
“Who?”
“…Right then, moving on.” She whipped the blankets off of him.
Sirius wished with all his might that he would open his eyes again and she’d be gone, but she was waiting impatiently for him to drag his ass out of bed. “Are you just here to tell me what a miserable shit I’ve been?” He asked. “Because if you are, I got enough of it from James.” He tried to hide his head in the pillows.
Lily tutted. “You stupid… you didn’t actually try to beat James in a drinking game, did you?”
“Why not? I have before.”
Lily groaned in disbelief. “You mean, when he was alive?”
Suddenly putting his head through a wall seemed like a brilliant idea. “That asshole…”
“You’re the asshole that fell for it.” She chided.
“If I see him again,” Sirius snarled. “I’m gonna…”
“Murder him?” She suggested with a grin.
Sirius glared at her. “Not funny.”
Lily sighed. “You’re right.” She shoved the mattress with her foot. “Now get up!”
Lily dragged him down the maze of halls toward the dining hall. Sirius’ head was still spinning a little. At least she had the decency not to apparate a hung over person. She flung something at him and he realized after a moment that it was an invisibility cloak.
“Put it on.” She told him and placed a finger to her lips. “And be quiet. You’re not looking at memories anymore.”
Lily led him into the room. Off to the side Remus and Andromeda were on the floor surrounded by parchment.
They were finalizing the tables for the day. Sirius was supposed to be helping. Lily gave him a warning glance when he looked like he might voice his indiscretion.
“Where is he?” Andromeda asked and looked at her pendant, which in addition to a great many things, told the time.
“I don’t know.” Remus admitted. “I haven’t seen him since dinner last night. He wasn’t in his room when I went to check.”
Andromeda ‘hmmed’ and sort of stared at Remus as he started another list. He realized she was staring, “What is it?” He asked.
“Um…” She moved her eyes from him to the parchment in her lap. “Do you think maybe he’s not entirely okay with the wedding?”
Remus frowned. “What do you mean? Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?”
Andromeda pressed her lips tightly together then said, “I think he might have feelings for you.”
Remus blanched and bolted to his feet. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I don’t think it’s entirely far-fetched.” She said defensively.
“Well he doesn’t.” Remus said, looking ridiculously juvenile.
Andromeda pressed a tad farther. “Well why not?”
Remus seemed to realize he was over-reacting and deflated a bit. He exhaled through his nose and said, “Because we went through all that. Years ago.”
Andromeda studied him carefully and then realization spread across her features. “Oh.” She gave him a small, sorry smile. “I … didn’t realize.”
Remus felt guilty for getting so defensive. No one knew that story, no one was supposed to. “No, I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s just something we don’t talk about.”
Lily motioned for Sirius to follow her out of the room, once they were far enough away, Sirius took the cloak off.
“God, I’m an asshole.”
Lily grinned at him. “For being such an incredibly-”
“Amazing and gifted wizard, I’m an egotistical jerk? Yeah. Got that last night. Thank you Mrs. Potter.”
Lily shrugged. “Well you do make stupid look charming.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “And you make pompous look sweet.”
They found Harry, Ron, and Hermione in one of the back rooms. Hermione was going over her gown with her wand. Pieces of lint and wrinkles banished themselves. She was saying something about a book she was reading but Ron was tuning her out and Harry wasn’t paying attention at all.
Hermione noticed Harry’s inattention. “Are you okay?”
Harry turned away from the window. “What? Sorry, I’m just…”
Hermione gave him a small smile. “You’ve been out of it all weekend.” She said gently. “Is everything okay?”
Harry sighed. He didn’t hide things from his friends. “I’m worried about Sirius.”
Sirius turned to look at Lily. What the hell was this now? But she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring lovingly at her son. Sirius felt an awful pulling in his chest.
“Why?” Ron asked, suddenly tuning in to the conversation.
“I don’t know… I feel like he’s not telling me something. He’s been moody and tense. But he won’t tell me what’s wrong.” He sighed again. “I don’t think he trusts me.”
Sirius wanted to protest but Lily was suddenly attentive again and warned him not to with a look.
“That’s silly, Harry.” Hermione said to him and Sirius was grateful for that. “Of course he trusts you. He loves you.”
“Then why won’t he tell me what’s wrong?”
“Everyone’s a bit stressed at weddings,” Hermione said softly. “It’s supposed to be a perfect day and all, but really everyone is running around and stressing about everything. I’m sure once everything’s over he’ll be okay.”
Harry nodded solemnly. “I hope so.”
Lily pulled Sirius out of the room before Sirius stepped out from under his cloak. He let his head fall back against a wall.
“I didn’t know Harry felt that way.” He sighed.
Lily nodded. “I’m here to help you analyze your current situations. I know you think you’re protecting Harry, but you should know better than to think that you’re doing anything but hurting him.”
Sirius knew that this wisdom hadn’t come to her in her afterlife.
“I don’t get it.” Sirius said. “It’s not as if I can just go back and fix things… or can I?”
“No!” Lily said quickly, she knew that he wasn’t entirely joking. “No you can’t. But don’t you see how the way you’re dealing with these problems is affecting everyone around you? You pride isn’t worth all of this.”
Sirius knew that there were more people to go and see. As much as he didn’t want to, he knew resistance would be pointless.
“So? Who else then?”
Lily brought him into the last room. Tonks was staring at herself in a full-length mirror. Andromeda should have been there with her, but had volunteered to take over for the missing-in-action Sirius Black, adding yet another nomination for Biggest-Asshole-of-the-Century.
Tonks turned to Molly. “Are we doing the right thing?” She asked.
Molly frowned. “What’s that, Dear?”
“I just have this horrible feeling about the whole thing.” She said. She smoothed an invisible crease on her skirt.
“Ah, it’s just a bit of cold feet, Dear.” Molly assured her and patted her hand.
Tonks looked doubtful. “Yeah… I guess so.”
Sirius glared at Lily. How was this his fault?
“Some days… he just makes me so happy I could burst.” Tonks smiled at her reflection. “But sometimes…some days he gets so angry and depressed for no reason. He never tells me what’s wrong. What if he never does?”
Molly tutted. “He worries. He worries about you and I have no doubt that he worries about the kind of future you’ll have together. With his… condition and all.”
“He knows that I don’t care about all that-”
Lily pulled him out of the room in the middle of her sentence. They made it down the hall and Sirius pulled the cloak down, he was clearly annoyed. “And what? Are you saying that that’s got something to do with me? Remus is just a moody asshole some days, you know that.”
“And that has never had anything to do with you?” Lily asked, slightly annoyed.
She snapped her fingers and James appeared with a long unrolled parchment. He cleared his throat. “Ahem. April 12th last year.”
The world spun and Sirius fell fast into another memory. His stomach lurched as his feet strained to touch solid ground.
Everyone seemed to bolt away as Remus stormed through Grimmauld Place, ignoring the things he shoved out of his way.
“Remus!” Molly hollered. “What is going on?” All concerned eyes fell on him.
“He didn’t say anything! He just.. left!” Remus said, his face contorted with anger and frustration.
No one needed to ask what he was talking about. Sirius had run away in the middle of the night. Probably to Ireland.
“He’ll be back, he always is.” Molly said softly.
Remus just kicked a chair and left the room.
The memory faded quickly and Sirius was thrown back into the present. “Okay! Please don’t.” Sirius moaned. He fell back against the corridor wall. James disappeared, taking his incredibly long list of incidences with him. Sirius caught his breath and glared. “So I piss him off more times than I remember, I hardly think that it means-”
“Shh!” Lily tossed the cloak over him just in time. Remus passed by them.
They followed him through the hallways. Sirius was careful to muffle his steps. Years at Hogwarts had taught him how to do that. Remus went into a room and closed the door only halfway.
Sirius didn’t move, Lily pointed at the door. “Come on.” She said.
Sirius lowered the hood and whispered. “Why are you doing this? Remus and I have spent a lot of time putting all this crap behind us.”
Lily didn’t answer and poked him not-too-gently in the side. Sirius stifled a groan, pulled his hood up and slipped into the room.
Remus was glaring at the fireplace. He hadn’t started getting into his formalwear yet. He had his arms crossed and his brow was furrowed in deep thought.
Lily walked around Remus’ chair. “Does he look like someone who’s ‘put all this crap’ behind him?”
Sirius looked at her for a moment before refocusing on Remus. Lily pulled him away and out of the room just as quickly as they’d entered.
“What’s he thinking?” Sirius asked as they walked slowly back to his room.
“He’s thinking about why on earth his best friend isn’t with him right now. You say that you’ve spent all this time trying to fix your friendship?” She put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It’s admirable, really. But pretending you want something you really don’t is only hurting the people you love.” She said softly. “Once you admit that to yourself, you’ll be able to really fix things.”
“What does that even mean-” Sirius asked but when he turned she was gone. He sighed in annoyance. “Her manners die too?”
Sirius paced in his room for hours. He put on his dress robes and took them off several times before finally deciding to leave them on.
What was Lily talking about, anyway? He wanted things to be good between him and Remus more than anything. He’d spent the last three years trying to be a good friend… so what if he messed up once in a while? James certainly hadn’t bothered to mention all the times he hadn’t pissed Remus off with his childish behaviour or when he’d gone out of his way to do something nice…
Sirius glanced at the clock and swore out loud. There was only one hour until the ceremony. Sirius made up his mind and headed to the room where Remus was waiting to be called. It was where Sirius should have been this whole time, being the best man he promised to be.
As Sirius got closer, his resolve became stronger. What Remus needed now was his best friend. Even if Sirius was a bastard once in a while he was nothing if not a loyal friend for the rest of the time.
When the door to Remus’ room came into his sight he was surprised to see Harry waiting just outside. No, not Harry… James?
“Aren’t we done yet?” Sirius groaned. He wanted to turn and run but knew better.
As he got closer, the man looked up at him and he realized it wasn’t James. It was Harry. A much older Harry.
“Afraid not.” Harry said. “But I promise, it’s quick.”
He held out a hand and Sirius looked suspiciously at it for a moment before placing his own hand in it and the world swung out of focus.
The world came into itself again and Sirius and Harry were standing in a graveyard. It was raining and there was a small crowd of people huddled around a grave. As they got closer Sirius could read the tombstone. Sirius Black.
“You died like a hero.” Harry said. “You saved my life.”
They stood in silence as the Minister mumbled words Sirius couldn’t understand and then they watched as one-by-one people left flowers or small packages on his mound of dirt.
Remus was the last to approach the grave. His eyes were red and angry. Tonks stood back but seemed to be calling at him.
“Remus was tasked with dividing your personal things,” Harry said slowly. “He found a lot of things he wasn't supposed to find.”
Sirius didn't need to be told what those things could be. he couldn’t take his eyes away from Remus. He hadn’t aged too gracefully. He looked tormented, bitter.
Tonks approached him and took his hand. They left.
“He never forgives you.” Harry said quietly. “Even in the end, you could never say it. Years from now, it’ll destroy his marriage.”
Sirius squeezed his eyes really tight and when he opened them they were back in the hall. His eyes stung. The door to Remus’ dressing room was still closed; Harry was looking intently at him.
“These are, of course, events that haven’t happened yet. Though they are inevitable in the present’s current state of affairs.” Harry said in a professional tone of voice that Sirius didn’t like.
“But - that means I can change it, right?” Sirius said, gazing at the closed door.
Harry didn’t reply, he just shuffled his feet.
“Well?” Sirius demanded. “Are you the Ghost of the Future, or not?”
“I can only show you what’s in your future right now. I can’t predict what will happen if you go and make rash decisions.”
“But… he loves me, right? If I go in there now and tell him how I feel, none of that future crap will happen, right?” Sirius tried to ignore the desperation in his voice.
Again, Harry shifted in his shoes. “I can’t tell you that. I don’t know how Remus will react to anything you say. I don’t know anything beyond what I’ve already shown you.”
“So… for all we know my confession could just ruin our friendship forever?” He said and swallowed hard.
“Yes.” Harry said matter-of-factly.
“Does he love her?” Sirius asked softly, he kicked at nothing on the stone floor.
Harry nodded slowly. “Of course he does.”
After a short moment, Harry disappeared and Sirius found himself alone in the hall.
Sirius was pacing. He’d never paced quite so much in such little time before and he was beginning to freak himself out. There was almost no time left. What was the protocol for this kind of thing? Should he wait until the famous ‘if anyone objects-’ and then say something? He probably shouldn’t wait until after the ceremony… maybe… maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all. Maybe he should let Remus have this.
The memories James had shown him ached on a level completely new to him. It was devastating to realize that all Sirius really had left were those memories. And they weren’t even good memories.
Sirius had been a jerk his entire life. He’d refused time and time again to let Remus know even a little bit of how he actually felt. Now Remus was finally going to be with someone who wants nothing more than to be with him, someone who isn’t afraid of her own feelings… and now Sirius wants to take that from him too. Maybe that was the entire lesson the Potters had been trying to shove down his throat. Maybe now was the time for Sirius to stop being a stubborn prick and let go.
He opened the door to the room and closed it quietly behind him.
Remus looked up at him looking handsome in white dress robes. “How do I look?” He smiled and Sirius tried to kill the bats in his stomach with willpower. Remus was all about the tact and not mentioning that Sirius had skipped out on almost all of his Best Man duties.
“Good.” Sirius managed to get out and was transported, for a few seconds, back to the Yule Ball all those years ago when handsome, thoughtful, caring, prissy, gorgeous Remus Lupin wanted nothing more than to be Sirius Black’s date.
When Sirius said nothing else Remus stopped fussing with a sleeve. “Are you all right?”
Sirius snapped back to reality. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I was just… caught up in a few things. It’s all done with now though.” Sirius fidgeted and rolled one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. He tried not to make eye contact.
Remus turned away from him to look in the mirror again. He sighed. “Are you going to pretend that I haven’t seen you lie through your teeth a thousand times before?” Sirius froze. “What’s wrong?” Remus asked, looking at him in the reflection.
Sirius had thought of a hundred and one different excuses to answer that question. At least one of them had to be half convincing.
Come on, Man. James’ voice echoed through his head, vibrating in his skull.
“I’m trying to think!” Sirius scolded him and then realized with a sinking stomach that he’d said it out loud.
Remus stared at him. “What’s going on?” Worry creased his brow and his eyes burned into Sirius’.
Sirius forgot everything. Every carefully planned word, every explanation disappeared except for the one simple truth he’d spent a near lifetime trying to squash.
He ran his hands through his hair and sucked in a deep breath. “I can’t be your best man.”
Many different emotions flickered on Remus’ face. Anger, confusion, disappointment, concern. “What?” He ceased fiddling with his clothing and stared.
Sirius sighed. “I can’t do this. It would be like… asking Wormtail to speak at James’ funeral.” He used every ounce of control not to turn this into one big, bad joke. “It feels… wrong.”
“What are you talking about? Sirius, I have less than thirty minutes before I have to be out there. I can’t just find another best man.” His eyes blazed with hurt and anger. Great, because Sirius always did so well dealing with a hurt and angry Remus.
“I know. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“That’s never seemed to stop you before.”
Ouch, okay. He definitely deserved that.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius said softly.
Remus shook his head, disbelieving. Sirius was pretty sure he was going to get hit before any of this was over.
Anger caused Remus’ voice to tremble. “You are such an unbelievable asshole.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been hearing. But listen-”
“I think I’ve heard enough.” Remus said. He stormed over to the dresser in the antechamber and away from Sirius.
“No,” Sirius followed after him. “I have to say this.”
Remus glared at him and Sirius was certain he had never seen him quite so upset. This was supposed to be one of the best days of his life and it was quickly spinning into one of the worst. Sirius Black was once again letting him down when it counts the most.
“I love you.” It was quiet. So quiet that Remus was certain he’d misheard him. “I
think I always have.” Sirius continued. “But I spent a lot of time trying not to and for a while it worked.”
Remus stared at him, confused and turning pale.
“So you can’t ask me to stand up there and watch you marry someone else. I know I’ve been a complete asshole… but even I think that’s too cruel.”
The silence enveloped the entire room. Remus’ expression was unreadable. Only two minutes elapsed in the stony silence but to Sirius it felt like much longer.
“Remus?”
“Bastard.” Remus said quietly. He sounded out of breath and shaky. “You fucking fucking bastard.”
Sirius certainly wasn’t in a position to dispute that. Another awful silence passed before Remus growled lowly. “Get out.”
“Remus-”
“Get. Out!”
Sirius didn’t hesitate again at the rage in Remus’ voice. He left swiftly and shut the door. He didn’t stop to talk to anyone on his way out. The sound of shattering glass eventually faded behind him.
Sirius hadn’t bothered to change out of his formal wear. He left the outer robe draped over a bench and walked the short distance to James and Lily’s graves.
“Where are you now that I need you, huh?” He asked and kicked at some dirt before settling down on the ground. The Potters’ voices had been quiet since he’d left.
He dozed off for a bit and when he started to consider running away to Ireland for a while, a figure in groom garb was walking toward him through the cemetery.
Sirius tried not to notice and busied himself with a strand of grass.
Remus walked extremely slowly and it seemed like an eternity before he finally arrived at the Potters’ gravesite. He leaned against their memorial and didn’t look at Sirius.
After a minute, Sirius finally found courage to look up at him. Remus was staring at the sky.
“You waited until thirty minutes before my wedding.” He stated. He didn’t sound angry, per se, just unenthusiastically bewildered.
Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’d given you plenty of opportunities.”
“Yes. I know.”
“I practically threw myself at you for three years consecutively.”
“Yeah.”
“And you waited thirty minutes before my wedding.”
Sirius sighed and only nodded. His piece of grass was hopelessly crumbled.
Remus finally turned to look at him. “You know, there was a time when I would have given anything to hear you say those words.”
“I wish I had, sooner.” Sirius admitted and tossed a rock at nothing.
There was another bout of silence before Sirius said, “I didn’t think you were going to ever talk to me again.”
“Well… I know how awful rejection feels.”
Pain shot through Sirius’ heart, it seemed to affect everything down to his bones.
“Remus, I-”
“I don’t want an apology. I think we’re past all that. Aren’t we?”
“I guess.” The pain didn’t lessen though. “So?” Sirius didn’t want to deal with silence anymore. He wanted to keep talking, even if it hurt. “What is it like being a married man?”
Remus turned to look back at the sky. He sighed. “It’s satisfying. Fulfilling… scary…” He turned slightly to gage Sirius’ reaction. Sirius had gone stiff and a dead weight had settled in his stomach.
“Or so Prongs told me.” Remus sighed. “I have no idea. I couldn’t do it.”
Sirius groaned. His heart finally deciding to beat again and he realized he had stopped breathing after the first statement. He rubbed his face with a hand. “You’re a lousy liar, you know that?” He tried really, really hard not let his emotions shine through.
“Don’t you dare look smug.” Remus warned him.
“I - I’m not!”
“You are.”
“Fine,” Sirius crossed his arms. “So I’m smug.” It was all Sirius could do to hide a toothy smile.
“I suppose you assumed I would come looking for you as well?” Remus took a step closer to where Sirius was sitting.
“Well I wouldn’t go that far. I did contemplate hiding out in Ireland for a while. If you didn’t.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Because that’s not the first place anyone would look for you.”
Sirius shrugged. He did tend to end up there a lot. “I like it there.”
Remus moved away from the memorial and sat down next to Sirius. Their shoulders touched.
There was more silence before Sirius asked, “Was it bad?”
Remus inhaled. “Was it bad that I called off my own wedding ten minutes before? Yeah. It was.”
Sirius had the good grace to look guilty. “How did she take it?”
Remus rolled his neck. “Tonks was… she wasn’t exactly surprised actually. Upset, of course. But… not entirely surprised. Andromeda however has a number of choice words for you when she finds you.”
It might have been funny if Sirius didn’t know he was entirely serious. He wasn’t looking forward to finding out if Andromeda had the same flare for curses as her less sane sister did.
“I’m really, really sorry.” Sirius groaned.
“I’m not.” Remus said bringing his knees up to his chin. “Not anymore. For a while there I could’ve killed you.” He grinned. “I thought, ‘why couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut for another fifteen or so years?’. So why now? After all this time?”
“I almost didn’t.” Sirius said and very carefully laced his fingers through Remus’. It was strangely divine the way Remus let him. “I was ready to forever hold my peace but then James-”
“Wait,” Remus said and sat up straight. “James?”
Sirius sighed. He was going to have to explain the entire story. “Yeah Prongs, Lily and Harry from the future, were like-”
“I know,” Remus shushed him. “They came to me too.”
An eerie silence passed between them and they slowly turned their eyes from each other to the graves of their long-gone friends. As they did, they could have sworn that there were snickers on the wind.
Author: Quid G. Snidget
Pairings: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily
Genre: Fun, Romance, Angst.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus is getting married. Sirius is happy for him. Until some ghosts remind him that he’s not.
Notes/Warnings Blame Charles Dickens. I tried to make the memories clearly differentiated from the present with italics. Not sure if it worked. I apologize for any confusion. Other than that, bad jokes and total disregard for canonical events.
Sirius couldn’t remember how many drinks he’d had. The count was somewhere between a lot and too many. Yet the persistent pang in his chest hadn’t weakened at all. With every other blink he was beginning to see double. He had stopped actually talking to the bartender an hour ago and now only waved and nodded to signal ‘more’.
A few very attractive girls had approached him to offer their assistance in ‘helping him forget his troubles’, but he had refused them all. He’d almost said yes to one in particular. She was a gorgeous girl, tall, with light brown hair and deep brown eyes like honey… but really, they should be more of an amber, he thought. They should also have just barely a flick of blue at the corners, but only in certain shades of light, and a smile that was sexy only because he didn’t even know it was and…
No, this wasn’t helping at all. In fact, it was making him feel worse. Instead of the obliterating numbness he’d been wanting and expecting, he felt more raw and unnerved than before.
“Think you’ve had enough, Old Pal?”
Sirius knew that he had to be hearing things. It was a voice he hadn’t heard in years, except in his dreams or more frequent, his nightmares. It cut through his booze-induced fog like a razor through soap.
He looked up and blinked a few times to try and clear his vision, but the figure sitting across from him didn’t fade away. “Prongs?” Sirius muttered. Was he asleep? He pushed a shot glass at the supposed-to-be-dead one; it went through him and shattered on the floor.
“That’s productive.” James rolled his eyes. It wasn’t just sarcasm, it was Potter trademark sarcasm. There was no way Sirius’ mind could have imitated it that perfectly under the heavy alcohol influence.
“Is that really you?” He said, squinting.
James shrugged. “More or less.” He looked at his hands and wiggled them in front of his face. He seemed to be getting less and less transparent as the seconds passed. “I mean more in the sense that I’m more here than usual, but less in the way that I’m not actually physical… or something. Not sure, actually. Skipped the handbook.”
Sirius rubbed his temples, handling Potter’s witticisms while drunk was never a smart idea. “Huh?”
James sighed. “Never mind. Get up, we’ve got to go.”
“Go? Go where?” Sirius glanced around at all the people around him. No one seemed to be paying attention to him. “Am I dead?” He whispered.
“No.” James said and grabbed his hand. It was ice cold. “But we’re going on a trip. There are some things I need to show you.”
Sirius had never been a reasonable drunk. If anything, he tipped more toward belligerent. He also had no appreciation for dead best friends coming back from the grave to tell him what to do. “No.”
James sighed loudly and crossed his arms. “Why don’t you tell me what you’re doing here?”
Tonight had been Remus and Tonks’ wedding rehearsal dinner. Sirius didn’t know much about ghosts but he was pretty sure James already knew why he was sitting there, alone, on the night before his living best friend’s wedding day. He supposed that James had always known, in his odd way, without Sirius ever having to tell him. James had never mentioned it though and Sirius had been grateful for that. Especially considering how everything had ended…
Months ago when Remus had told Sirius that he was getting married, Sirius had been genuinely happy for him. He’d also been honestly honoured when he asked Sirius to be his best man. Now the months had flown by, suddenly the wedding was just around the corner and suddenly Sirius wasn’t so excited.
The rehearsal had started out just fine. Sirius laughed and teased with the others and was actually looking forward to all the festivities. God knew that they didn’t have much to celebrate these days. They were half way through the rehearsal ceremony when Sirius noticed that something was wrong. A deep ache started at the left corner of his chest and was slowly and agonizingly making its way across. It crept up his neck and manifested itself into a massive migraine. He excused himself and went up to his room.
He’d slept it off and, when he felt better, he decided to join the party at the post-rehearsal dinner. He headed downstairs to the kitchen but stopped at the door. It was like slow motion as Sirius watched Remus address his wedding party. He smiled graciously, full of love for his friends and family. He laughed at some wisecrack someone said and then he looked up at Sirius standing in the doorway. His smile widened and his eyes lit up. “Sirius, there you are.” And for one splinter of a second, Sirius got a glimpse of a false future. For that splinter of a second, Sirius had never understood anything quite so clearly.
Sirius felt himself go pale. Remus noticed right away and in an instant his blissful smile disappeared. “Are you okay?” He asked and made a start to walk over to him.
“Fine.” Sirius insisted but it came out as more of a bark. “I just… I’m just going to call it a night. I’ll see you tomorrow… first thing, okay?” And he stumbled away, praying to anything holy that Remus wouldn’t follow. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat but his stomach seemed determined to come out his mouth. He made it outside where it still hurt to breathe, but he had an idea. The tavern. His throat was dry and his eyes stung but he was sure that the tavern would make him feel better…
It hadn’t.
“I have drinks to finish.” Sirius stated moodily to the nosy ghost and refused to budge.
James would not be deterred. “Bring them with. We’ll play drinking games.”
Sirius couldn’t think of another excuse before James hauled him up out of his chair. Before he could even blink, they’d apparated.
When they’d reached their destination, James strode ahead along a long corridor while Sirius threw up. When his head had cleared a little and he’d finished coughing, he caught up.
“We’re at Hogwarts.” Sirius said blankly. “Why are we at Hogwarts?”
James didn’t say anything as they walked through the halls to the main entrance. They walked through the front door and out into the field. It was dark already, the stars were bright and the moon was waxing.
“Am I a ghost too?” Sirius asked, trying to see through his hand and gazing back at the door that they’d walked through.
“Nope.” James said. “Just a bystander, like in a pensieve. We’re just here to observe. Now shut up, it’s starting.”
Sirius watched in awe as their fifth year selves bounded down the school stairs into the grounds.
Fifth-year Sirius and James raced each other and Peter struggled to keep up. Remus walked behind them at a leisurely pace with a pensive look on his face.
“What is this about?” Remus asked once he’d caught up to the bubbling trio. They were grinning like madmen.
“We have a surprise for you.” Fifth-year James grinned. “You’re going to love it.”
Remus looked apprehensive. “If it’s anything like the No-More-Homework-Quill, I think I’ll pass.”
“Come on!” Sirius said and grabbed Remus’ hand. They took off toward the Forbidden Forest.
James turned to Sirius, “You remember this?”
Sirius grinned. “It’s the night we showed Remus that we’d become Animagi.”
James nodded. “Do you remember whose idea it was that we should all become Animagi so he wouldn’t have to be alone during the full moon?”
Sirius was quiet for a moment. “Me.”
James nodded. “Have a shot.”
They did.
“Where are we now?” Sirius asked after they’d apparated again. He didn’t throw up this time.
“Sixth year. A week before the Yule Ball.”
They were in the Gryffindor common room. Sixth-year Sirius was pretending to study while stretched out on the couch. Remus was actually studying in the chair across from him.
Lily entered the room from the outside corridor. She flopped down in the chair beside Remus with a dramatic sigh.
“Remus, who is James taking to the Yule Ball?” She asked, or rather, demanded.
By sixth year Lily and James had become infamous for their lover’s spats. “It’s not that Slytherin slut, is it? Because if it is, I swear to god, I’m asking Rosier.” She said.
Remus sighed. “I don’t know Lily, he hasn’t said anything to me.”
“Sirius?” Lily asked and Sirius tried to ignore her. She kicked him in the leg. “I need to know!” Sirius gave up pretending to study and over-exaggerated rubbing his shin in pain.
“He doesn’t know yet, but it’s between ‘really going to annoy you’ and ‘really going to piss you off’.” He said with a glare. “What’s the big deal anyway? It’s just a stupid dance.”
James chose that moment to come in from the Quidditch Captains’ Meeting. Lily and James stared at each other for a second before Lily huffed and ran up to her room.
James commandeered her spot beside Remus. “Did she say anything? Does she know who she’s going with to the Ball?”
Remus sighed. “She doesn’t know yet.” He returned to his reading.
Sirius snarled into a pillow. “Will you two kiss and make up already? This is getting really annoying.”
James rolled his eyes and went up to their dorm.
Remus put down his book and looked over at Sirius. “So… do you know who you’re asking to the Ball?”
Sirius had made a game out of flipping a pillow over his head and catching it before it fell. “Don’t know, don’t really care. It’s-”
“Just a stupid dance, I know. You’ve said so at least twelve times today.” Remus finished for him.
“Why?” Sirius asked. “Do you know who you’re asking? Or did you want some advice?” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “I do have a knack for that kind of stuff.”
Remus smiled at him and Sirius squirmed in his seat. Remus’ smiles always made him feel strange and uncomfortable.
“Well…” Remus said haltingly. “I kind of thought… that maybe… if you wanted to… maybe we could go together.”
Sirius looked over at him, not noticing at all the blush on his friend’s face. “Yeah? That could be fun. Why does everyone want a date so badly anyway? Going with friends is cool.”
Sirius didn’t catch the disappointment that flittered across Remus’ face. “Yeah… ” Remus tried to give Sirius another smile, but it wasn’t nearly as brilliant.
As the memory faded away, Sirius turned back to James. “Tell me I wasn’t that oblivious.”
James sucked in his breath through his teeth and winced. “Take a shot. It gets better.”
It was a week later and couples were still arriving at the Ball Room, even though the dance had started half an hour ago. Sirius, Remus, Peter, James, and James’ last minute date walked through the Great Hall doors. They weren’t concerned about being late; they were rarely on time for anything.
“Wow, they really went over the top this year.” Peter whistled.
They admired the decorations that had transformed the Great Hall into a golden wonderland.
“It’s beautiful! How did they make those gold thingies sparkle?” The last-minute-date asked, never mind that they’d learned those spells in second year Transfiguration.
Sirius groaned softly into his hand and leered at James. “She’s fanTAStic.” He said in a mock high-pitched voice. If she knew he was making fun of her, she didn’t seem to notice. “When can we get your old one back?”
James growled at him and led his date away. Peter scurried after them.
Remus looked uncomfortable. Sirius and James had dragged him to Hogsmeade to get dress robes the week before. The ones he’d arrived with that year looked like they’d been sewn together by a two-year-old. Now however, he looked extremely fetching, but Remus was self-conscious. He kept picking at invisible flaws.
“Will you stop fidgeting?” Sirius was annoyed. “You look fine.”
Remus inhaled slowly. “Are you sure? You’re not just saying that?”
Sirius hadn’t particularly paid close attention, but he made a point of looking closely now. It was odd though. As he did it, his breath seemed to shorten. He noticed, for the first time, the curve of Remus’ neck and the way his hair fell. Were his eyes always that colour? Like… golden brown or something. There was a dash of blue that Sirius was certain was not always there. Remus fidgeted some more under his perusal and Sirius found himself staring at Remus’ hands, his long fingers elegantly toying with his sleeve, the gold lights illuminating the odd scar here and there.
“You look… good.” He breathed.
James, asshole ghost extraordinaire, grinned. “There’s that elegant Black articulation.”
“Shut up, Potter.”
Remus beamed at him. “You look good too.”
Sirius and Remus got themselves a table in the back. They talked, joked, and Sirius made a game out of making up date stories about the couples on the dance floor.
“See that one over there? He obvious asked her on a dare. See his friends over there? They’ve been laughing the whole time!” Sirius hooted and tipped his chair back slightly.
“That poor girl.” Remus said. “I hope someone tells her what’s going on.”
Sirius frowned and put his chair legs back on the ground. “You take the fun out of everything.”
Remus didn’t apologize and they sat in silence for a few moments. They spotted James and Lily arguing at the other side of the hall. Their respective dates were trying not to watch and looking as though they might just run off together.
Then Remus said, “What kind of story do you suppose people would make up about us?”
Sirius regarded Remus carefully. “Well… they’d probably think we’re losers who couldn’t get dates.” He thought about his words and then continued. “Or maybe they’d think we were each other’s dates.”
Remus crossed his arms. “Well it’d be the former since we’ve only sat here since arriving.”
“I’ve been asked to dance plenty of times.” Sirius pointed out.
“Yes and I said you could go ahead. I’m fine sitting here by myself.” Remus said in an entirely unconvincing manner.
Sirius smirked. “You’re such a lousy liar.” He got up and held out his hand.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked him, slightly confused but curious.
“You can be a dateless loser or you can be my date.” Sirius grinned and Remus only hesitated for a second before taking his hand.
Sirius pulled Remus onto the dance floor and didn’t notice all the people who were staring. Some were impressed, some were scandalized, some were confused, and others assumed it was part of a joke.
They danced two dances and then a slow song came on. Sirius put his arms around Remus’ neck with a sly smirk. “Ooh, I like this song.” He said.
Remus carefully put his hands on his waist. “…me too.” Remus’ face was red but the dim lights hid it. He was staring at Sirius intently but Sirius wasn’t paying attention. He was making faces at the people around them.
Sirius put his head on Remus’ shoulder and wondered if Remus always smelled this nice. What was that? Shampoo or something?
Remus stopped moving and stepped away slightly, causing Sirius to lift his head and drop his arms. “What?” He asked.
Remus had a look of steady determination as he tilted Sirius’s chin up and ignoring the confused look in Sirius’ eyes, placed a kiss on his lips. It was soft and slow and it made Sirius’ heart stop. It took his breath completely away. He stepped back and regarded Remus for a second before laughing. “Okay, joke gone too far.”
The ballroom and the memory swirled away. Sirius closed his eyes but the look on Remus’ face stayed with him.
“I thought he was joking.” Sirius pleaded to James. “I thought we were just messing with people.”
James smiled kindly. “I know, Pal.” He patted him on the back. “For being the amazing, gifted, and talented wizard that you are… you’re also a completely and utterly self-absorbed jackass.”
Sirius knew what was coming next. It was a memory he had tried really hard to repress. It had worked too… for the most part.
“Um… I think I get the point.” He said to James as they stood outside the doors of the Potter home nearly fifteen years ago. “So we can skip this one, okay?”
James shook his head sadly. “Sorry, Padfoot.” James hugged his shoulders. “We’re almost done.”
Sirius really, really didn’t want to go in there. “I can’t-” But James shoved him through the door anyway and followed right behind him.
It was James’ stag party. The night before James and Lily’s wedding.
James was already beyond drunk at that point in the night. Sirius was fulfilling his dutiful role as best man and kept handing him drinks. “Drink up, Potter! In sixteen hours you’re a doomed man!”
James tried to say something witty but had to massage his head instead. He groaned as Wormtail pushed another shooter at him. “Come on! One for every happy year, right? You’re only at thirteen!”
Sirius roared with laughter and drank his own shooters. He looked around at the crowd and wondered aloud, “Where’d Moony go?”
Wormtail just pointed at the back door and gave James another shot as Kingsley filled Sirius’ spot and whacked James on the back. “Come on, Man, drink!”
Sirius wandered outside and spotted Remus standing by the back fence staring at the crescent moon.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Sirius asked and joined Remus at the fence. “You’re missing our boy become a man.”
Remus smiled at him and Sirius was slowly getting used to how his stomach filled with bats every time.
There was a thick tension in the air. Sirius could feel his heart speeding up and could not pinpoint the explanation.
“I think I just had a little too much to drink.” Remus admitted. He never had been much of a drinker. “Needed to clear my head.”
Sirius nodded. “Yeah… I’m feeling a bit light-headed too.”
Remus snickered. “That’s really saying something. You can drink like a fish.”
Sirius laughed at that and it wasn’t even really funny. “Yeah…”
There was another silence and then Sirius put his head in his hands. “I can’t believe he’s getting married.”
Remus gave a short laugh. “Well he has been dating Lily for forever, it couldn’t have…” Remus’ sentenced trailed off as he turned to Sirius. “Are you okay, Padfoot?”
Sirius felt himself start to shake. “Um… I… I don’t know.” He was really freaking out. “I just keep thinking… like, that this is the end. You know? I’m losing my best friend.”
Remus reached out to him and pulled him into his arms. “You can’t lose him. He’s impossible to lose. You could try and he’d just show up somewhere else, telling you that you’re the one who’s lost.” Sirius was suddenly oh-so-very-aware of Remus’ lips in his hair. He was also hyperaware of Remus’ body-heat and the muscle in his arms. Sirius forgot to breathe and had to take in a deep breath when his lungs screamed for oxygen. He inhaled Remus’ scent. (No really, what kind of shampoo was that?) And before he’d really processed it, he’d pulled away just enough to locate precisely where Remus’ lips were and press his own against them.
Remus gasped a little in surprise and Sirius didn’t think twice about using the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Remus pressed back with equal vigour. He pulled Sirius closer and Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist bringing their bodies together. The friction ignited fire in Sirius’ core and he pushed Remus against the fence.
“Um…” James shifted uncomfortably. “I’m just gonna… wait for you inside, okay?” Sirius didn’t answer; he watched the memory unfold in front of him. He ached.
Sirius’s moment of feral lust didn’t last long because he was quickly over powered by the sometimes werewolf. He didn’t mind though, not as long as Remus kept doing whatever he was doing with his tongue. He groaned deep in his throat and arched against Remus’ touches. Everywhere he ran his fingers, he left fireworks. He left small bite marks down Sirius’ neck.
Sirius let Remus keep him pinned against the fence wall with his body. He could hear the needy gasps he was making and wanted to stop them, but he was powerless to. He was also becoming increasingly annoyed that Remus had yet to make any noise at all. To remedy that, he undid the front of Remus’ trousers and slid his hand into them in one smooth movement. He was rewarded with another sharp inhale and then a low moan.
Smug, Sirius left his own mark on Remus’ collarbone. He thrust against him eliciting another lovely moan… and then it happened.
It was the moment that Sirius had been dreading. The moment he’d spent a great amount of time pretending to forget.
Remus pressed his lips to Sirius’s ear and whispered. “I love you.” He whispered that he loved him. And Sirius… said nothing.
He froze. He was rooted to the spot, at a loss for words. He stopped his ministrations and stared.
Remus felt him go rigid and pulled away. “What is it?” He asked. His eyes shining with an animal lust that quickly faded to concern. “Sirius?”
Sirius tried to swallow but the inexplicable panic threatened to consume him. He pulled away, practically shoving Remus off of him. He stumbled across the yard to the gate and let himself out. After a couple minutes the unmistakable sound of his motorbike sounded, then just as quickly, faded into the distance.
Sirius stood where he was. He needed in a masochistic way, to see what he never wanted to.
He watched as Remus crumbled in onto himself. Fell back against the fence with a bitter outburst and sunk to the ground. As much as Sirius wanted to close his eyes and look away, he forced himself not to.
True to his word, James was waiting for him inside the house. He was watching himself be bullied into taking more shots. “Kingsley you asshole, I’m lucky I didn’t get alcohol pois-” He noticed Sirius walk in.
Sirius felt numb, cold. He couldn’t look James in the eye. James walked over to him and took his hand. “Are you ready?” He asked.
Sirius stared at nothing for a very long moment. “I don’t think I can do the next one, James.”
James squeezed his hand. “It’s the last one, I promise.”
The morning of the Potters’ wedding had sucked. Everyone was hung-over but miraculously made it on time. Sirius lightly dozed as the minister explained the more boring and traditional meanings of the wedding ceremony.
Everyone made for the door when the speech was done, to start getting dressed, to make sure everything was ready, to hide the bride from the groom and what not. Sirius was so out of it, he didn’t notice Lily-soon-to-be-Potter storm over to where he was napping. She didn’t wake him gently.
The sting to his cheek shocked him wide-awake. He stared, horrified, into her molten green eyes. “What was that for?”
Lily lowered her voice in case anyone was near. “What the fuck did you do?”
Sirius swallowed. “What do you mean?”
“I want you to explain to me why one of my fiancée’s groomsmen just asked me if he could leave.” She hissed.
Sirius took a deep breath. “Lily, I can’t do this right now. I really can’t.”
“You go over there and talk to him. Right. Now.”
“I can’t.”
Lily placed a hand on his thigh and dug her nails in until he hissed and winced. “If you ruin this day for me Sirius Black,” She said in an eerily calm voice. “I swear to God it will be the last thing you ever do.”
She left him there. Sirius banged his head against the chair in front of him in frustration before getting up and very slowly making his way outside. Remus was staring out into the surrounding trees. His shoulders were slumped and everything about him suggested that there were storm clouds over his head.
“Remus?” Sirius didn’t get too close, not the most spectacular example of Gryffindor bravery. “Lily told me that you were acting… strange. She wanted me to ask if you were okay.”
He couldn’t remember why he thought the nonchalant approach would work.
Remus stiffened and said nothing. He didn’t move, just kept staring out at nothing.
“Um…” Sirius continued. “I think we’re going to be starting soon. So… if you want to come inside.”
Slowly, very slowly, Remus turned around to face him. Sirius held his breath. “Padfoot, could you do me a favour?”
Sirius let out the breath he’d been holding. “Of course! Anything.” He tried to give him a winning smile. Remus remained stoic.
“Stay away from me.” Remus said and brushed by him. He disappeared into the building.
Sirius and the one haunting him watched the young Sirius stare at the ground. Unmoving, completely shut off.
“This is what you wanted to show me?” Sirius asked James. “All the ways I’ve fucked up. So you can tell me I have no right to be jealous and angry that he’s getting married now?”
James made no move to answer him.
“Well?” Frustration and resentment began to overpower Sirius’ senses. Why the fuck did James have to come back and make Sirius feel even worse? These memories were precisely what he’d been trying not to think about as he drank his way through his misery. It had always worked before.
“My point,” James said stepping between where the past Sirius and the present one stood. “Is that you’ve been punishing yourself ever since. What did you see when the Dementors reached through your bars in Azkaban?”
Sirius closed his eyes against the memory. “I saw a lot of things. A lot of awful things.”
“Which one kept you awake for days because it only got more vivid if you slept?” James pressed.
Sirius didn’t answer. He glared at the dirt.
“Answer me.” James insisted and despite Sirius’ current resentment, it had been a long time since someone brave enough had tried to tell Sirius to man up.
“It was learning that someone who was supposed to be our friend murdered you!” Sirius growled. “Happy?”
“Flattered.” James said flatly. “But that was only the first couple of years… after that you were almost envious of me, weren’t you?” James circled around so that he was closer to Sirius. “I was blasted into blissful oblivion and you were stuck in that hellhole, reliving the lowest point of your existence. Now, tell me what that was.”
Sirius closed his eyes, forcing the anger back. James had never steered him wrong before. He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “It’s when I walk back in there,” He pointed to the church. “And I stand up there beside you and beside him and act like nothing’s wrong. I can’t bring myself to do anything because I’m so fucking angry at him.” He doesn’t have to say, and at myself. Sirius could feel the old wounds that had taken over a decade to heal tear wide open. Old blood running red again. Is this what James calls healing?
When time had passed, Sirius and Remus had tried to be civil to each other. Especially while Lily, Harry, and James were around… but it was so hard.
The memories of the following hellish years forced themselves into Sirius’ head, as if he were going to have to relive them too. Sirius had broken away from their close-knit group, travelling and taking comfort wherever it was offered. It was obvious that he was running from something, but no one dared mention what it might be. Sirius would go weeks without talking to James or Lily; he found it easier to deal with their disproval than their concern.
He had managed to avoid Remus entirely, until Harry’s first birthday. The first social gathering they’d had since the wedding.
Even then, the conversations were strained at best. Sirius had felt like a stranger in what had once been his only true home. Still, he had hope deep down that things would get better someday. In fact, Sirius was absolutely certain that they were… until they got, much, much worse.
“None of it ever really finalized in my head.” Sirius said, finally looking up at James. “I never really believed that it was over for me and Remus. But then… in that cell, it occurred to me. He actually thought that I,” He swallowed hard. “I mean, he thought I had betrayed you.” His voice cracked. It was that single fact that had destroyed him in Azkaban, kept him there until he’d found a way to prove his innocence… and be able to look Remus in the eye again. His self-imposed isolation had backfired and isolation had become his entire life. “I think that was first time I understood just how badly I’d fucked up.”
James grinned at him. Proud of him. Sirius wished his eyes weren’t blurring so that he could punch the smug asshole right in his smug ghost face.
Sirius woke up with the worst hangover he’d had in years. He spent the first hour moaning bloody murder and running to the bathroom every few minutes.
At every sound and every glimpse of the sunlight bleeding in from the window, he wanted to shove his head through a wall.
He was debating whether he should ever get up or not, wedding be damned, when a soft voice from his side said, “Feeling better? Ready to go?”
Sirius barely managed to turn his head slow enough. “…Lily?”
She grinned down at him. “I’m the Ghost of Christmas Present.”
Sirius frowned. The action hurting his head more than it should have. “The what? Christmas? What the hell are you talking about?”
Lily wasn’t amused. “Not a Dickens fan?”
“Who?”
“…Right then, moving on.” She whipped the blankets off of him.
Sirius wished with all his might that he would open his eyes again and she’d be gone, but she was waiting impatiently for him to drag his ass out of bed. “Are you just here to tell me what a miserable shit I’ve been?” He asked. “Because if you are, I got enough of it from James.” He tried to hide his head in the pillows.
Lily tutted. “You stupid… you didn’t actually try to beat James in a drinking game, did you?”
“Why not? I have before.”
Lily groaned in disbelief. “You mean, when he was alive?”
Suddenly putting his head through a wall seemed like a brilliant idea. “That asshole…”
“You’re the asshole that fell for it.” She chided.
“If I see him again,” Sirius snarled. “I’m gonna…”
“Murder him?” She suggested with a grin.
Sirius glared at her. “Not funny.”
Lily sighed. “You’re right.” She shoved the mattress with her foot. “Now get up!”
Lily dragged him down the maze of halls toward the dining hall. Sirius’ head was still spinning a little. At least she had the decency not to apparate a hung over person. She flung something at him and he realized after a moment that it was an invisibility cloak.
“Put it on.” She told him and placed a finger to her lips. “And be quiet. You’re not looking at memories anymore.”
Lily led him into the room. Off to the side Remus and Andromeda were on the floor surrounded by parchment.
They were finalizing the tables for the day. Sirius was supposed to be helping. Lily gave him a warning glance when he looked like he might voice his indiscretion.
“Where is he?” Andromeda asked and looked at her pendant, which in addition to a great many things, told the time.
“I don’t know.” Remus admitted. “I haven’t seen him since dinner last night. He wasn’t in his room when I went to check.”
Andromeda ‘hmmed’ and sort of stared at Remus as he started another list. He realized she was staring, “What is it?” He asked.
“Um…” She moved her eyes from him to the parchment in her lap. “Do you think maybe he’s not entirely okay with the wedding?”
Remus frowned. “What do you mean? Of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?”
Andromeda pressed her lips tightly together then said, “I think he might have feelings for you.”
Remus blanched and bolted to his feet. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I don’t think it’s entirely far-fetched.” She said defensively.
“Well he doesn’t.” Remus said, looking ridiculously juvenile.
Andromeda pressed a tad farther. “Well why not?”
Remus seemed to realize he was over-reacting and deflated a bit. He exhaled through his nose and said, “Because we went through all that. Years ago.”
Andromeda studied him carefully and then realization spread across her features. “Oh.” She gave him a small, sorry smile. “I … didn’t realize.”
Remus felt guilty for getting so defensive. No one knew that story, no one was supposed to. “No, I’m sorry. It’s just… it’s just something we don’t talk about.”
Lily motioned for Sirius to follow her out of the room, once they were far enough away, Sirius took the cloak off.
“God, I’m an asshole.”
Lily grinned at him. “For being such an incredibly-”
“Amazing and gifted wizard, I’m an egotistical jerk? Yeah. Got that last night. Thank you Mrs. Potter.”
Lily shrugged. “Well you do make stupid look charming.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “And you make pompous look sweet.”
They found Harry, Ron, and Hermione in one of the back rooms. Hermione was going over her gown with her wand. Pieces of lint and wrinkles banished themselves. She was saying something about a book she was reading but Ron was tuning her out and Harry wasn’t paying attention at all.
Hermione noticed Harry’s inattention. “Are you okay?”
Harry turned away from the window. “What? Sorry, I’m just…”
Hermione gave him a small smile. “You’ve been out of it all weekend.” She said gently. “Is everything okay?”
Harry sighed. He didn’t hide things from his friends. “I’m worried about Sirius.”
Sirius turned to look at Lily. What the hell was this now? But she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring lovingly at her son. Sirius felt an awful pulling in his chest.
“Why?” Ron asked, suddenly tuning in to the conversation.
“I don’t know… I feel like he’s not telling me something. He’s been moody and tense. But he won’t tell me what’s wrong.” He sighed again. “I don’t think he trusts me.”
Sirius wanted to protest but Lily was suddenly attentive again and warned him not to with a look.
“That’s silly, Harry.” Hermione said to him and Sirius was grateful for that. “Of course he trusts you. He loves you.”
“Then why won’t he tell me what’s wrong?”
“Everyone’s a bit stressed at weddings,” Hermione said softly. “It’s supposed to be a perfect day and all, but really everyone is running around and stressing about everything. I’m sure once everything’s over he’ll be okay.”
Harry nodded solemnly. “I hope so.”
Lily pulled Sirius out of the room before Sirius stepped out from under his cloak. He let his head fall back against a wall.
“I didn’t know Harry felt that way.” He sighed.
Lily nodded. “I’m here to help you analyze your current situations. I know you think you’re protecting Harry, but you should know better than to think that you’re doing anything but hurting him.”
Sirius knew that this wisdom hadn’t come to her in her afterlife.
“I don’t get it.” Sirius said. “It’s not as if I can just go back and fix things… or can I?”
“No!” Lily said quickly, she knew that he wasn’t entirely joking. “No you can’t. But don’t you see how the way you’re dealing with these problems is affecting everyone around you? You pride isn’t worth all of this.”
Sirius knew that there were more people to go and see. As much as he didn’t want to, he knew resistance would be pointless.
“So? Who else then?”
Lily brought him into the last room. Tonks was staring at herself in a full-length mirror. Andromeda should have been there with her, but had volunteered to take over for the missing-in-action Sirius Black, adding yet another nomination for Biggest-Asshole-of-the-Century.
Tonks turned to Molly. “Are we doing the right thing?” She asked.
Molly frowned. “What’s that, Dear?”
“I just have this horrible feeling about the whole thing.” She said. She smoothed an invisible crease on her skirt.
“Ah, it’s just a bit of cold feet, Dear.” Molly assured her and patted her hand.
Tonks looked doubtful. “Yeah… I guess so.”
Sirius glared at Lily. How was this his fault?
“Some days… he just makes me so happy I could burst.” Tonks smiled at her reflection. “But sometimes…some days he gets so angry and depressed for no reason. He never tells me what’s wrong. What if he never does?”
Molly tutted. “He worries. He worries about you and I have no doubt that he worries about the kind of future you’ll have together. With his… condition and all.”
“He knows that I don’t care about all that-”
Lily pulled him out of the room in the middle of her sentence. They made it down the hall and Sirius pulled the cloak down, he was clearly annoyed. “And what? Are you saying that that’s got something to do with me? Remus is just a moody asshole some days, you know that.”
“And that has never had anything to do with you?” Lily asked, slightly annoyed.
She snapped her fingers and James appeared with a long unrolled parchment. He cleared his throat. “Ahem. April 12th last year.”
The world spun and Sirius fell fast into another memory. His stomach lurched as his feet strained to touch solid ground.
Everyone seemed to bolt away as Remus stormed through Grimmauld Place, ignoring the things he shoved out of his way.
“Remus!” Molly hollered. “What is going on?” All concerned eyes fell on him.
“He didn’t say anything! He just.. left!” Remus said, his face contorted with anger and frustration.
No one needed to ask what he was talking about. Sirius had run away in the middle of the night. Probably to Ireland.
“He’ll be back, he always is.” Molly said softly.
Remus just kicked a chair and left the room.
The memory faded quickly and Sirius was thrown back into the present. “Okay! Please don’t.” Sirius moaned. He fell back against the corridor wall. James disappeared, taking his incredibly long list of incidences with him. Sirius caught his breath and glared. “So I piss him off more times than I remember, I hardly think that it means-”
“Shh!” Lily tossed the cloak over him just in time. Remus passed by them.
They followed him through the hallways. Sirius was careful to muffle his steps. Years at Hogwarts had taught him how to do that. Remus went into a room and closed the door only halfway.
Sirius didn’t move, Lily pointed at the door. “Come on.” She said.
Sirius lowered the hood and whispered. “Why are you doing this? Remus and I have spent a lot of time putting all this crap behind us.”
Lily didn’t answer and poked him not-too-gently in the side. Sirius stifled a groan, pulled his hood up and slipped into the room.
Remus was glaring at the fireplace. He hadn’t started getting into his formalwear yet. He had his arms crossed and his brow was furrowed in deep thought.
Lily walked around Remus’ chair. “Does he look like someone who’s ‘put all this crap’ behind him?”
Sirius looked at her for a moment before refocusing on Remus. Lily pulled him away and out of the room just as quickly as they’d entered.
“What’s he thinking?” Sirius asked as they walked slowly back to his room.
“He’s thinking about why on earth his best friend isn’t with him right now. You say that you’ve spent all this time trying to fix your friendship?” She put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “It’s admirable, really. But pretending you want something you really don’t is only hurting the people you love.” She said softly. “Once you admit that to yourself, you’ll be able to really fix things.”
“What does that even mean-” Sirius asked but when he turned she was gone. He sighed in annoyance. “Her manners die too?”
Sirius paced in his room for hours. He put on his dress robes and took them off several times before finally deciding to leave them on.
What was Lily talking about, anyway? He wanted things to be good between him and Remus more than anything. He’d spent the last three years trying to be a good friend… so what if he messed up once in a while? James certainly hadn’t bothered to mention all the times he hadn’t pissed Remus off with his childish behaviour or when he’d gone out of his way to do something nice…
Sirius glanced at the clock and swore out loud. There was only one hour until the ceremony. Sirius made up his mind and headed to the room where Remus was waiting to be called. It was where Sirius should have been this whole time, being the best man he promised to be.
As Sirius got closer, his resolve became stronger. What Remus needed now was his best friend. Even if Sirius was a bastard once in a while he was nothing if not a loyal friend for the rest of the time.
When the door to Remus’ room came into his sight he was surprised to see Harry waiting just outside. No, not Harry… James?
“Aren’t we done yet?” Sirius groaned. He wanted to turn and run but knew better.
As he got closer, the man looked up at him and he realized it wasn’t James. It was Harry. A much older Harry.
“Afraid not.” Harry said. “But I promise, it’s quick.”
He held out a hand and Sirius looked suspiciously at it for a moment before placing his own hand in it and the world swung out of focus.
The world came into itself again and Sirius and Harry were standing in a graveyard. It was raining and there was a small crowd of people huddled around a grave. As they got closer Sirius could read the tombstone. Sirius Black.
“You died like a hero.” Harry said. “You saved my life.”
They stood in silence as the Minister mumbled words Sirius couldn’t understand and then they watched as one-by-one people left flowers or small packages on his mound of dirt.
Remus was the last to approach the grave. His eyes were red and angry. Tonks stood back but seemed to be calling at him.
“Remus was tasked with dividing your personal things,” Harry said slowly. “He found a lot of things he wasn't supposed to find.”
Sirius didn't need to be told what those things could be. he couldn’t take his eyes away from Remus. He hadn’t aged too gracefully. He looked tormented, bitter.
Tonks approached him and took his hand. They left.
“He never forgives you.” Harry said quietly. “Even in the end, you could never say it. Years from now, it’ll destroy his marriage.”
Sirius squeezed his eyes really tight and when he opened them they were back in the hall. His eyes stung. The door to Remus’ dressing room was still closed; Harry was looking intently at him.
“These are, of course, events that haven’t happened yet. Though they are inevitable in the present’s current state of affairs.” Harry said in a professional tone of voice that Sirius didn’t like.
“But - that means I can change it, right?” Sirius said, gazing at the closed door.
Harry didn’t reply, he just shuffled his feet.
“Well?” Sirius demanded. “Are you the Ghost of the Future, or not?”
“I can only show you what’s in your future right now. I can’t predict what will happen if you go and make rash decisions.”
“But… he loves me, right? If I go in there now and tell him how I feel, none of that future crap will happen, right?” Sirius tried to ignore the desperation in his voice.
Again, Harry shifted in his shoes. “I can’t tell you that. I don’t know how Remus will react to anything you say. I don’t know anything beyond what I’ve already shown you.”
“So… for all we know my confession could just ruin our friendship forever?” He said and swallowed hard.
“Yes.” Harry said matter-of-factly.
“Does he love her?” Sirius asked softly, he kicked at nothing on the stone floor.
Harry nodded slowly. “Of course he does.”
After a short moment, Harry disappeared and Sirius found himself alone in the hall.
Sirius was pacing. He’d never paced quite so much in such little time before and he was beginning to freak himself out. There was almost no time left. What was the protocol for this kind of thing? Should he wait until the famous ‘if anyone objects-’ and then say something? He probably shouldn’t wait until after the ceremony… maybe… maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all. Maybe he should let Remus have this.
The memories James had shown him ached on a level completely new to him. It was devastating to realize that all Sirius really had left were those memories. And they weren’t even good memories.
Sirius had been a jerk his entire life. He’d refused time and time again to let Remus know even a little bit of how he actually felt. Now Remus was finally going to be with someone who wants nothing more than to be with him, someone who isn’t afraid of her own feelings… and now Sirius wants to take that from him too. Maybe that was the entire lesson the Potters had been trying to shove down his throat. Maybe now was the time for Sirius to stop being a stubborn prick and let go.
He opened the door to the room and closed it quietly behind him.
Remus looked up at him looking handsome in white dress robes. “How do I look?” He smiled and Sirius tried to kill the bats in his stomach with willpower. Remus was all about the tact and not mentioning that Sirius had skipped out on almost all of his Best Man duties.
“Good.” Sirius managed to get out and was transported, for a few seconds, back to the Yule Ball all those years ago when handsome, thoughtful, caring, prissy, gorgeous Remus Lupin wanted nothing more than to be Sirius Black’s date.
When Sirius said nothing else Remus stopped fussing with a sleeve. “Are you all right?”
Sirius snapped back to reality. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I was just… caught up in a few things. It’s all done with now though.” Sirius fidgeted and rolled one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. He tried not to make eye contact.
Remus turned away from him to look in the mirror again. He sighed. “Are you going to pretend that I haven’t seen you lie through your teeth a thousand times before?” Sirius froze. “What’s wrong?” Remus asked, looking at him in the reflection.
Sirius had thought of a hundred and one different excuses to answer that question. At least one of them had to be half convincing.
Come on, Man. James’ voice echoed through his head, vibrating in his skull.
“I’m trying to think!” Sirius scolded him and then realized with a sinking stomach that he’d said it out loud.
Remus stared at him. “What’s going on?” Worry creased his brow and his eyes burned into Sirius’.
Sirius forgot everything. Every carefully planned word, every explanation disappeared except for the one simple truth he’d spent a near lifetime trying to squash.
He ran his hands through his hair and sucked in a deep breath. “I can’t be your best man.”
Many different emotions flickered on Remus’ face. Anger, confusion, disappointment, concern. “What?” He ceased fiddling with his clothing and stared.
Sirius sighed. “I can’t do this. It would be like… asking Wormtail to speak at James’ funeral.” He used every ounce of control not to turn this into one big, bad joke. “It feels… wrong.”
“What are you talking about? Sirius, I have less than thirty minutes before I have to be out there. I can’t just find another best man.” His eyes blazed with hurt and anger. Great, because Sirius always did so well dealing with a hurt and angry Remus.
“I know. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”
“That’s never seemed to stop you before.”
Ouch, okay. He definitely deserved that.
“I’m sorry.” Sirius said softly.
Remus shook his head, disbelieving. Sirius was pretty sure he was going to get hit before any of this was over.
Anger caused Remus’ voice to tremble. “You are such an unbelievable asshole.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been hearing. But listen-”
“I think I’ve heard enough.” Remus said. He stormed over to the dresser in the antechamber and away from Sirius.
“No,” Sirius followed after him. “I have to say this.”
Remus glared at him and Sirius was certain he had never seen him quite so upset. This was supposed to be one of the best days of his life and it was quickly spinning into one of the worst. Sirius Black was once again letting him down when it counts the most.
“I love you.” It was quiet. So quiet that Remus was certain he’d misheard him. “I
think I always have.” Sirius continued. “But I spent a lot of time trying not to and for a while it worked.”
Remus stared at him, confused and turning pale.
“So you can’t ask me to stand up there and watch you marry someone else. I know I’ve been a complete asshole… but even I think that’s too cruel.”
The silence enveloped the entire room. Remus’ expression was unreadable. Only two minutes elapsed in the stony silence but to Sirius it felt like much longer.
“Remus?”
“Bastard.” Remus said quietly. He sounded out of breath and shaky. “You fucking fucking bastard.”
Sirius certainly wasn’t in a position to dispute that. Another awful silence passed before Remus growled lowly. “Get out.”
“Remus-”
“Get. Out!”
Sirius didn’t hesitate again at the rage in Remus’ voice. He left swiftly and shut the door. He didn’t stop to talk to anyone on his way out. The sound of shattering glass eventually faded behind him.
Sirius hadn’t bothered to change out of his formal wear. He left the outer robe draped over a bench and walked the short distance to James and Lily’s graves.
“Where are you now that I need you, huh?” He asked and kicked at some dirt before settling down on the ground. The Potters’ voices had been quiet since he’d left.
He dozed off for a bit and when he started to consider running away to Ireland for a while, a figure in groom garb was walking toward him through the cemetery.
Sirius tried not to notice and busied himself with a strand of grass.
Remus walked extremely slowly and it seemed like an eternity before he finally arrived at the Potters’ gravesite. He leaned against their memorial and didn’t look at Sirius.
After a minute, Sirius finally found courage to look up at him. Remus was staring at the sky.
“You waited until thirty minutes before my wedding.” He stated. He didn’t sound angry, per se, just unenthusiastically bewildered.
Sirius nodded. “Yeah.”
“I’d given you plenty of opportunities.”
“Yes. I know.”
“I practically threw myself at you for three years consecutively.”
“Yeah.”
“And you waited thirty minutes before my wedding.”
Sirius sighed and only nodded. His piece of grass was hopelessly crumbled.
Remus finally turned to look at him. “You know, there was a time when I would have given anything to hear you say those words.”
“I wish I had, sooner.” Sirius admitted and tossed a rock at nothing.
There was another bout of silence before Sirius said, “I didn’t think you were going to ever talk to me again.”
“Well… I know how awful rejection feels.”
Pain shot through Sirius’ heart, it seemed to affect everything down to his bones.
“Remus, I-”
“I don’t want an apology. I think we’re past all that. Aren’t we?”
“I guess.” The pain didn’t lessen though. “So?” Sirius didn’t want to deal with silence anymore. He wanted to keep talking, even if it hurt. “What is it like being a married man?”
Remus turned to look back at the sky. He sighed. “It’s satisfying. Fulfilling… scary…” He turned slightly to gage Sirius’ reaction. Sirius had gone stiff and a dead weight had settled in his stomach.
“Or so Prongs told me.” Remus sighed. “I have no idea. I couldn’t do it.”
Sirius groaned. His heart finally deciding to beat again and he realized he had stopped breathing after the first statement. He rubbed his face with a hand. “You’re a lousy liar, you know that?” He tried really, really hard not let his emotions shine through.
“Don’t you dare look smug.” Remus warned him.
“I - I’m not!”
“You are.”
“Fine,” Sirius crossed his arms. “So I’m smug.” It was all Sirius could do to hide a toothy smile.
“I suppose you assumed I would come looking for you as well?” Remus took a step closer to where Sirius was sitting.
“Well I wouldn’t go that far. I did contemplate hiding out in Ireland for a while. If you didn’t.”
Remus rolled his eyes. “Because that’s not the first place anyone would look for you.”
Sirius shrugged. He did tend to end up there a lot. “I like it there.”
Remus moved away from the memorial and sat down next to Sirius. Their shoulders touched.
There was more silence before Sirius asked, “Was it bad?”
Remus inhaled. “Was it bad that I called off my own wedding ten minutes before? Yeah. It was.”
Sirius had the good grace to look guilty. “How did she take it?”
Remus rolled his neck. “Tonks was… she wasn’t exactly surprised actually. Upset, of course. But… not entirely surprised. Andromeda however has a number of choice words for you when she finds you.”
It might have been funny if Sirius didn’t know he was entirely serious. He wasn’t looking forward to finding out if Andromeda had the same flare for curses as her less sane sister did.
“I’m really, really sorry.” Sirius groaned.
“I’m not.” Remus said bringing his knees up to his chin. “Not anymore. For a while there I could’ve killed you.” He grinned. “I thought, ‘why couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut for another fifteen or so years?’. So why now? After all this time?”
“I almost didn’t.” Sirius said and very carefully laced his fingers through Remus’. It was strangely divine the way Remus let him. “I was ready to forever hold my peace but then James-”
“Wait,” Remus said and sat up straight. “James?”
Sirius sighed. He was going to have to explain the entire story. “Yeah Prongs, Lily and Harry from the future, were like-”
“I know,” Remus shushed him. “They came to me too.”
An eerie silence passed between them and they slowly turned their eyes from each other to the graves of their long-gone friends. As they did, they could have sworn that there were snickers on the wind.