(no subject)
I don't know why I have such a strong desire to share this, but I do. So, here goes.
Most of these are entirely irrational. But I need to tell someone.
I'm terrified that people find me boring. This means that I either talk too much to compensate or I don't talk enough because I don't want to say anything dumb.
I fear that people simply "put up" with me. That they don't really want to spend time with me. That they think I'm uninteresting or unintelligent.
I'm terrified that I'm settling into a life that I told myself I never would by working a job that I swore I'd never go back to.
I'm terrified I'm going to get pregnant and have to settle, again, into a life I don't want. Even though there isn't a high likelihood of that happening.
I fear that, by falling in love with someone I didn't mean to, I ruined several people's lives, not just my own.
I think I'll be alone forever. That no one will love me the way I need them to.
And that I'll never love someone the way that I need to.
I'm worried that when I die, people will forget all about me. I worry that a lot of people already have.
I worry that I'm retreating farther and farther into myself. That the only parts of me I share with people are the sarcastic, cynical parts that don't hurt. Not that my life is full of pain. I just worry about opening up to people. It's been a long time since anyone opened up to me.
I worry that I will always desire other people's identities instead of my own.
I worry that I'll never figure out what it is that I really want.
There's more but I need to stop now.
Most of these are entirely irrational. But I need to tell someone.
I'm terrified that people find me boring. This means that I either talk too much to compensate or I don't talk enough because I don't want to say anything dumb.
I fear that people simply "put up" with me. That they don't really want to spend time with me. That they think I'm uninteresting or unintelligent.
I'm terrified that I'm settling into a life that I told myself I never would by working a job that I swore I'd never go back to.
I'm terrified I'm going to get pregnant and have to settle, again, into a life I don't want. Even though there isn't a high likelihood of that happening.
I fear that, by falling in love with someone I didn't mean to, I ruined several people's lives, not just my own.
I think I'll be alone forever. That no one will love me the way I need them to.
And that I'll never love someone the way that I need to.
I'm worried that when I die, people will forget all about me. I worry that a lot of people already have.
I worry that I'm retreating farther and farther into myself. That the only parts of me I share with people are the sarcastic, cynical parts that don't hurt. Not that my life is full of pain. I just worry about opening up to people. It's been a long time since anyone opened up to me.
I worry that I will always desire other people's identities instead of my own.
I worry that I'll never figure out what it is that I really want.
There's more but I need to stop now.