Lars could practically feel the sadness radiating from his friend and he looked at him with distressed eyes. "No Matt, that's not what I meant, I--" He wiped his face with his hand, trying to figure out what he wanted and not sure if he could handle it at the same time.
"All I meant is that you shouldn't be saddled with me while there's a dance going on. Especially when you look so nice."
Lars took stock of the situation for a moment after hearing his own words. Here he was, sitting on the ground outside of a 50's sock hop, talking with his friend about how good he looked in drag after mistaking him for a girl and slow dancing with him in front of the entire school.
A laugh, a real one, suddenly burst from his lips. His shoulders began to shake and let himself fall backward onto the grass.
"Matt...it's times like this that make me really wish I hadn't given up pot."
Matthew looked at Lars almost like he was crazy, letting go of his legs, and leaning back a little, supporting himself on one hand, the other resting on his hip.
Lars' sudden burst of laughter made Matthew smile. Why? He didn't know. He only knew that seeing Lars laugh like that...made him happy, too.
"Thank you, for thinking I look nice." He mumbled. "But, I don't think anyone else noticed I was there." He paused a moment.
"No...that's true...Gilbert noticed...Francis noticed...But I don't think I really wanted them to notice..." He tucked a curl behind his ear, blushing at the memory of Gilbert thinking he was a girl, and Francis lifting his skirts. "Ivan noticed I was there. He danced with me, too...But he's a friend, and he noticed that I hadn't come with a date..." He paused. "He was looking for more dancers for the team."
Lars laughed a bit harder, remembering how fantastically Matt had clocked Francis. As the last chuckles faded, he sobered a little and mused, "you danced with Ivan? Huh."
He lifted himself up so he could meet Matthew's gaze. "Have you...ever dated anyone?"
Matthew blushed. "Me? Uh..." He stuttered a bit. "N...no, I haven't." He was torn between keeping his gaze on Lars, and looking away. He opted to look away.
Every other guy he knew had dated someone at least once. But Matthew? No.
"I guess I'm just not interesting enough or something." He picked at the grass.
"What's so funny?" Lars asked with a soft smile when Matthew giggled. He cracked an eye open to regard him with curiosity. The expression he saw made his chest suddenly feel tight.
Matthew just couldn't help it. For the first time in a long time he felt...happy...genuinely happy...He was sure the smile on his face reached his eyes this time.
"There's...nothing funny. I just...You..." He paused, and withdrew his hand, and looked at the ground, trying to collect his thoughts.
"You see me, that's all. You made a comment the other day. You said it wasn't it like I was invisible or anything. That you knew where I sit..."
He looked back up at Lars. "No one sees me. Barely anyone talks to me. I'm a senior, and I was placed in Toris' room because they FORGOT I was coming back. It was the only empty place left." He paused again.
"But you...You see me..." He repeated. He wasn't sure how else to explain it.
Lars let his words sink in a bit. He was the reason Matthew felt noticed? He had given him validation and made his face light up like this? The idea made him anxious and even more confused and he had to look away.
He happened to catch Angie and Basch leaving the dance. He'd been so consumed with whatever...this...was, he hadn't tried to check in with his sister. The urge to get up and question the young man with her registered vaguely in his head. The urge to stay next to Matthew won out.
Maybe he simply needed someone else to protect as his siblings grew more independent. Maybe his mind was just jumbled because Matt was in girls' clothing. Maybe this night was all one long dream that would be forgotten when the sun came up. Maybe.
Lars turned back to that smile and those gleaming violet eyes, and pulled Matthew into a gentle hug.
Matthew stiffened at the hug, but only for the briefest of moments. He hadn't been hugged in so long. Alfred was too old and too "cool" to hug his older brother anymore, hugs from his parents? He hadn't seen either of them in months.
His arms slipped around Lars, returning the hug. "I hope it's real..." He whispered. "I don't know what I'll do if I wake up and it was all a dream..."
Lars looked from his captured wrist to the fierce stare Matt was giving him and felt his own eyes widen. His mouth opened and closed without a single word ushering forth. He blinked.
"No. No I don't think I'd like that," he finally stated timidly. He dropped his hands slowly, eyeing Matt as if the man just might do as he warned.
"I... don't think this is bad," he began, mustering what little courage seemed available to him. "But I need some time. To process it all."
Before Matt had a chance to either come through with his threat or feel hurt, Lars took the hand on his face and intertwined their fingers.
The hockey player retreated back into its cave as Lars' fingers interlaced with Matthew's. The fact that his hockey player side had even made an appearance in the first place shocked him.
He looked Lars straight in the eyes, and released his wrist, bringing that hand up to place the palm against Lars' other cheek. "I won't make you do it alone." He said. "But, it's not a deal" He paused. "It's a promise."
What was he saying?! This made NO sense! Did he even DARE to think of what all of this meant? Lars had walked into the dance and only seen Matthew. ONLY Matthew. And he kept LOOKING!
Around Lars, Matthew felt important, seen. He knew that. He knew that something inside of him couldn't just go back to being invisible...something inside him that needed to desperately cling to the fact that Lars had noticed him. 'Noticed...I was noticed...He noticed me...'
There was a flood of relief that washed over Lars when Matthew's promise reached his ears, completely unexpected but most certainly not unwelcome. Even if the word promise made him uneasy; promises were easily broken, excused, forgotten about. A deal or a pact held the other person accountable and Lars could depend on that.
Lars knew without a doubt that he could depend on Matthew. Logic be damned.
A mission began to form in his mind. If Matt was going to stick with him while he fumbled along and made mistakes, Lars would do his best to keep that smile on his face. The desire to protect him, even if it was from Lars himself, came to the forefront of his mind. Gave him something to focus on since everything else still seemed so blurry.
"Thank you," he breathed, falling into those eyes once more. "I'll try not to hurt you."
Matthew smiled. "Good. I'm glad you aren't walking away." He glanced away, only briefly to look back through the open doors. The dance was ending, and that meant curfew
( ... )
"I need a cold one and a new brain," Lars mumbled, letting Matthew lead him to the futon. His head lolled a little as they sat and his eyes fixated on the hand holding his once more. Whether it was conscious or not, Lars rubbed his thumb across Matt's. He cleared his throat.
"How... how is it that I feel like I've known you for years?" His voice was much smaller than he would have preferred it to be. Then he shook his head and finally met Matt's eyes again. Those kind violet eyes, full of compassion, asking nothing of him. Heart, I told you to quit it.
The next question he was able to form came out as little more than a whisper, almost painful. "When did you know? How did you...deal with it?"
He hoped Matthew understood what he was asking. He wasn't sure he could handle actually defining what he meant. Defining himself.
Lars listened thoughtfully, watching Matthew's expression like a hawk as he detailed his life, his experiences.
Angie. I could tell Angie. She'd understand. I think. Maybe Noah in a little bit. I don't want to think about mom and dad, not yet, maybe not ever, this is too big.Then came the unexpected question. It forced Lars to comb his brain for all the instances he had noticed Matt over the years. The realization dawned on him that he had spent most of every hockey game watching his moves on the ice, had picked seats close to him in classes without ever actually questioning why. Maybe it was his quiet, peaceful demeanor that pulled Lars to him. His presence was soothing, uncomplicated. That made sense
( ... )
"You've...always seen me?" Matthew asked. That didn't make sense...or...did it? He thought back, trying to place where he'd seen Lars. Did he sit next to him in EVERY class they had together?
He did! He also sat in the back...one desk over from Matthew.
His brows furrowed as he processed this new realization. "Is...Is that why you always sat next to me?" He asked. "But...you were hiding from yourself..." He placed his other hand over their held ones, rubbing the back of Lars' hand with his fingers.
Too shocked to comprehend Matthew's actions, Lars let himself be pulled in close without a fight. His mind soon began to protest though, sending a cacophony of thoughts and complaints whirling behind tired eyes Babe what does that mean not even girlfriends called me babe and his arms this isn't right it can't be right why does it feel right oh God I'd give anything for him to keep holding me what the hell this has to stop stop stop--
When Matthew's words reached his ears he finally gave in and collapsed into the embrace, still not convinced he warranted any praise but accepting it nonetheless. His eyes closed tight as he allowed himself to be held and comforted. A trembling hand soon tried to mimic Matt's touch.
"I think you might be the brave one here," he said with the ghost of a smile. "You've got your work cut out for you."
Without even thinking about it, Matthew leaned back against the arm of the futon, and pulled Lars with him, keeping his arms around him. His fingers found their way to Lars' hair and combed through it. His other hand, still on Lars' back, continued to move in slow, smooth circles.
"I don't know if anyone would call me brave, Lars. But thank you for saying so." He whispered.
He tried to keep his gay side under control. It certainly wasn't lost on him how close Lars was to him, or how good looking the man was. But all he wanted was for Lars to feel safe. Perhaps safe enough to even fall asleep...
Lars held his weight off of Matt for a few moments, for many different reasons. Their eyes met and he was paralyzed again, those violet depths drowning out the racket in his head, quieting the ringing in his ears, offering safety and a knowing acceptance that was almost too much to bear.
He blinked. His body softened and he finally let go.
Matt's chest made for a surprisingly comfortable pillow, the movement of his hands in his hair and on his back helping his eyes close gently. Lars registered the sound of Matthew's heartbeat against his ear, as fast and irregular as his own. It added to his fragile peace in an odd way, knowing that they were both uncertain, in uncharted territory but not alone.
A soft "mmm" escaped his lips before sleep overtook the exhausted man.
Matthew had noticed it hadn't taken long for Lars to drift off to sleep in his arms. For the next few minutes he continued to play with Lars' hair, but his own eyes were quickly becoming too heavy to keep open anymore.
He grabbed the blanket Lars had brought out earlier and very carefully covered the two of them up, which was a little harder to do than to say with Lars asleep on top of him, but he managed.
With the last few moments of consciousness slipping away, Matthew's fingers stilled in Lars' hair, and his other arm wrapped tightly around him.
Comments 46
"All I meant is that you shouldn't be saddled with me while there's a dance going on. Especially when you look so nice."
Lars took stock of the situation for a moment after hearing his own words. Here he was, sitting on the ground outside of a 50's sock hop, talking with his friend about how good he looked in drag after mistaking him for a girl and slow dancing with him in front of the entire school.
A laugh, a real one, suddenly burst from his lips. His shoulders began to shake and let himself fall backward onto the grass.
"Matt...it's times like this that make me really wish I hadn't given up pot."
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Lars' sudden burst of laughter made Matthew smile. Why? He didn't know. He only knew that seeing Lars laugh like that...made him happy, too.
"Thank you, for thinking I look nice." He mumbled. "But, I don't think anyone else noticed I was there." He paused a moment.
"No...that's true...Gilbert noticed...Francis noticed...But I don't think I really wanted them to notice..." He tucked a curl behind his ear, blushing at the memory of Gilbert thinking he was a girl, and Francis lifting his skirts. "Ivan noticed I was there. He danced with me, too...But he's a friend, and he noticed that I hadn't come with a date..." He paused. "He was looking for more dancers for the team."
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He lifted himself up so he could meet Matthew's gaze. "Have you...ever dated anyone?"
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Every other guy he knew had dated someone at least once. But Matthew? No.
"I guess I'm just not interesting enough or something." He picked at the grass.
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When had Matthew ever looked so... happy?
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"There's...nothing funny. I just...You..." He paused, and withdrew his hand, and looked at the ground, trying to collect his thoughts.
"You see me, that's all. You made a comment the other day. You said it wasn't it like I was invisible or anything. That you knew where I sit..."
He looked back up at Lars. "No one sees me. Barely anyone talks to me. I'm a senior, and I was placed in Toris' room because they FORGOT I was coming back. It was the only empty place left." He paused again.
"But you...You see me..." He repeated. He wasn't sure how else to explain it.
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He happened to catch Angie and Basch leaving the dance. He'd been so consumed with whatever...this...was, he hadn't tried to check in with his sister. The urge to get up and question the young man with her registered vaguely in his head. The urge to stay next to Matthew won out.
Maybe he simply needed someone else to protect as his siblings grew more independent. Maybe his mind was just jumbled because Matt was in girls' clothing. Maybe this night was all one long dream that would be forgotten when the sun came up. Maybe.
Lars turned back to that smile and those gleaming violet eyes, and pulled Matthew into a gentle hug.
"I see you. But is this real?"
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His arms slipped around Lars, returning the hug. "I hope it's real..." He whispered. "I don't know what I'll do if I wake up and it was all a dream..."
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"No. No I don't think I'd like that," he finally stated timidly. He dropped his hands slowly, eyeing Matt as if the man just might do as he warned.
"I... don't think this is bad," he began, mustering what little courage seemed available to him. "But I need some time. To process it all."
Before Matt had a chance to either come through with his threat or feel hurt, Lars took the hand on his face and intertwined their fingers.
"Don't make me do it alone. Deal?"
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He looked Lars straight in the eyes, and released his wrist, bringing that hand up to place the palm against Lars' other cheek. "I won't make you do it alone." He said. "But, it's not a deal" He paused. "It's a promise."
What was he saying?! This made NO sense! Did he even DARE to think of what all of this meant? Lars had walked into the dance and only seen Matthew. ONLY Matthew. And he kept LOOKING!
Around Lars, Matthew felt important, seen. He knew that. He knew that something inside of him couldn't just go back to being invisible...something inside him that needed to desperately cling to the fact that Lars had noticed him. 'Noticed...I was noticed...He noticed me...'
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Lars knew without a doubt that he could depend on Matthew. Logic be damned.
A mission began to form in his mind. If Matt was going to stick with him while he fumbled along and made mistakes, Lars would do his best to keep that smile on his face. The desire to protect him, even if it was from Lars himself, came to the forefront of his mind. Gave him something to focus on since everything else still seemed so blurry.
"Thank you," he breathed, falling into those eyes once more. "I'll try not to hurt you."
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"How... how is it that I feel like I've known you for years?" His voice was much smaller than he would have preferred it to be. Then he shook his head and finally met Matt's eyes again. Those kind violet eyes, full of compassion, asking nothing of him. Heart, I told you to quit it.
The next question he was able to form came out as little more than a whisper, almost painful. "When did you know? How did you...deal with it?"
He hoped Matthew understood what he was asking. He wasn't sure he could handle actually defining what he meant. Defining himself.
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Angie. I could tell Angie. She'd understand. I think. Maybe Noah in a little bit. I don't want to think about mom and dad, not yet, maybe not ever, this is too big.Then came the unexpected question. It forced Lars to comb his brain for all the instances he had noticed Matt over the years. The realization dawned on him that he had spent most of every hockey game watching his moves on the ice, had picked seats close to him in classes without ever actually questioning why. Maybe it was his quiet, peaceful demeanor that pulled Lars to him. His presence was soothing, uncomplicated. That made sense ( ... )
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He did! He also sat in the back...one desk over from Matthew.
His brows furrowed as he processed this new realization. "Is...Is that why you always sat next to me?" He asked. "But...you were hiding from yourself..." He placed his other hand over their held ones, rubbing the back of Lars' hand with his fingers.
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When Matthew's words reached his ears he finally gave in and collapsed into the embrace, still not convinced he warranted any praise but accepting it nonetheless. His eyes closed tight as he allowed himself to be held and comforted. A trembling hand soon tried to mimic Matt's touch.
"I think you might be the brave one here," he said with the ghost of a smile. "You've got your work cut out for you."
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"I don't know if anyone would call me brave, Lars. But thank you for saying so." He whispered.
He tried to keep his gay side under control. It certainly wasn't lost on him how close Lars was to him, or how good looking the man was. But all he wanted was for Lars to feel safe. Perhaps safe enough to even fall asleep...
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He blinked. His body softened and he finally let go.
Matt's chest made for a surprisingly comfortable pillow, the movement of his hands in his hair and on his back helping his eyes close gently. Lars registered the sound of Matthew's heartbeat against his ear, as fast and irregular as his own. It added to his fragile peace in an odd way, knowing that they were both uncertain, in uncharted territory but not alone.
A soft "mmm" escaped his lips before sleep overtook the exhausted man.
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He grabbed the blanket Lars had brought out earlier and very carefully covered the two of them up, which was a little harder to do than to say with Lars asleep on top of him, but he managed.
With the last few moments of consciousness slipping away, Matthew's fingers stilled in Lars' hair, and his other arm wrapped tightly around him.
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