don't do it
this may be one of the worst most self-loathing, pitying thing i've written in a while. i don't think anyone should read it..i just need to get it out
i am sitting here hating myself right now. i have this knot in my stomach that wants me to just get up and throw stuff..or..i don't know..give myself some sort of physical pain so i don't have to focus on this crazy anxious feeling
lately my self image has just been downward spiraling. i can't even look in the mirror..i just hate it. i feel like i've done nothing but put on weight. like i have just let myself go downhill and as someone who has always had a bit of a problem with that..the whole image thing..the weight thing..all of that..its always been hard for me..and now..i don't know. i've just been beating myself up lately. i feel like all i ever want to do is hide in my baggy pajamas under my covers and not face the world.
and there are other things of course..my lack of work lately..mmy lack of money..i have put in one application, i know i need to put in more, but i honestly just have no motivation. i really plan my days around when i can get back in bed.
and today i finally found out what i have been pestering j about for a while now..and i knew it would hurt. i knew it would. i guess it just hurts worse because of how i've been feeling lately
i haven't wanted to do what i want to do tonight in a long time and it scares me. i am sitting here just hating on everything about me. the way i look, the way i feel, the way i treat other people, my personality, my problems with jealousy, i'm just messed up and i know it. and i'm taking everything down with me..my school, grades, my possibility of getting a job, and the relationship with jj that i want so badly.
i don't think its that j and i can't make it work, i think its that i suck at being in a relationship. i am sooo insecure. i am so ready for them to see something better and leave me that i spend my time bracing for that..instead of enjoying what i have. i'm just constantly bracing.
i say stupid things too. i flat out tell him "i'm i'm bugging you this much, leave me" and that is wrong. its like i'm threatening him with leaving and eventually he might take me up on it.
why can't i just be happy?
do i not deserve to just feel safe and secure in something? am i always going to think everyone around me is better and i don't deserve to even exist in their world? will that go away on its own..and if not..what do i need to do to make it happen? just believe in myself? okay..now how? its so much easier said than done.
eh..this is a very yucky entry
and i really blew it big time tonight