Transformers vs. Jem: A Rebuttal
Transformers vs. Jem: A Rebuttal
My dear, mike_coop. As a child, I was occasionally deprived of watching my favorite television program, transformers, because of your proclivity for Ms. Totally Outrageous. I was up front with you; I swore that I would exact my revenge for this travesty by teasing you about your pre-pubescent preference until the end of time. I have faithfully honored my vow, and I have given you more guff for preferring Jem over Transformers than any other childhood event, possibly excepting the time that you hid all of your vitamins behind the couch.
Thus, I am rather surprised and somewhat troubled that you would bring the matter up yourself, and more surprisingly, take sides with your younger, more foolish self. Perhaps you composed this post when you were in the state that compelled you to eat a “whole sleeve of Oreos” and find that “Jimmy John’s tasted really good”? In any event, for our collective edification, I have composed a post that will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that Transformers was the superior program.
Category 1: Dialogue
No matter how hip and cool the premise of a given show may be, without riveting dialogue, the plot will fall flat on its face. Let’s see how Jem and Transformers stack up.
Transformers
Transformers contains the best dialogue ever written. It’s certainly better than anything in a Hemmingway novel. Many of the more creative lines in the show brilliantly underscore the differences in constitution between Transformers and humans, while also highlighting their similarities. Lines such as “don’t get your transistors in a twist” or “I’ll rip out your optics” are but a few from a plethora of possible examples.
The Transformers also apparently have their own racial slurs. Decepticons are despairingly referred to as “Decepti-creeps” and Autobots as “Auto-bums.” In fact, the only quibble one can have with the dialogue in the show is the shocking failure of Megatron to ever refer to Optimus Prime as an “auto-butthead.”
The two best lines in the series belong to Starscream and Springer respectively. Starscream, that bastion of wit, threatens a captive doctor with the following line: “Why don’t you rest doctor? You must be exhausted... from meddling in my affairs!” If listening to that isn’t like suckling ambrosia from the gods, I don’t know what is. Springer tops the list of great lines in the Transformers feature movie, informing the audience and present Transformers that he “[has] better things to do tonight than die.”
Jem
Really, after reading that bit about the Transformers, do you really need to know about Jem’s dialogue? How could Jem possibly top perfection?
Advantage: Transformers
Category 2: Plot
I believe mike_coop misconstrued the positives and negatives of the shows’ respective plots. Here is a more in-depth and reasoned analysis of what occurs in the worlds of Transformers and Jem.
Transformers
The Decepticons and Autobots are two warring factions of a race of robots called the transformers. Leaving their home planet Cybertron in search of alternative energy sources, a sizable number of Decepticons and Autobots crash land on planet Earth after the Decepticons board the Autobot ship in a space ambush. A million years later, an earthquake reawakens the transformers and their epic struggle for resources! Episode plots include an episode where Megatron to destroy Earth by moving Cybertron into Earth’s orbit, an episode in which transformers travel back in time to serve on King Arthur’s court, and an episode where Galvatron’s (a later form of Megatron) right-hand man, Cyclonus, enters Galvatron into therapy! Quite frankly, it’s enough to make you drop your soda pop and shout “fuckin’ cool!”
Jem
Jem was a feel-good cartoon that involved an orphanage, a rock n’ roll band, lots of hair, and a rival band named “the Misfits.” Sadly, despite presence of a band named “the Misfits,” Glen Danzig was not included or affiliated with the program. That omission is enough to drop this category to the transformers.
Advantage: Transformers
Category 3: Gender Inclusiveness
Let’s face it: shows often show their age by conforming to outmoded stereotypes. Let’s see how these shows stack up under contemporary ideas of gender.
Transformers
For most of the series, women are nowhere to be seen. Yes, there will occasionally be the exotic princess who gives the Autobots helpful tips about that ancient power source that the Decepticons recently acquired, but that’s pretty much the end of it. There is one episode that introduces “female transformers” that were supposedly extinct, but those transformers fail to appear in any other episode. Arcee becomes an important character later in the series, but like the female transformers episode, Arcee alone is only a paltry attempt at making the ranks of the transformers more equal.
Jem
Let’s face it, Jem is totally outrageous. She does more than break through the glass ceiling, she breaks through it and then rocks it hard by ripping into an electric guitar.
Advantage: Jem
Category 4: Marketing Genius
There’s no getting away from it: these shows were created in order to make money. In this category, we’ll examine how the two stack-up in terms of marketing genius.
Transformers
If I was a marketing executive and somebody pitched Transformers to me circa 1985, I would fall out of my chair and then buy that man a pizza. Transformers is a license to print money. Robots cycle in and out of the show in accordance to toy production (which, admittedly, creates a lot of speculation as to what happened to certain transformers), and to build certain characters (a la Devastator) the Transformers fan must purchase as many as five toys. The Transformers have also expanded into the area of feature films and video games (I recently acquired Transformers for PS2, and I must add that it’s pretty frickin’ awesome).
Jem
There’s no getting around it: Jem is basically what the band Divinyls would look like if you kidnapped them and spray-painted them pink. In fact, there’s no reason to “own” a Jem doll, because a crafty toddler could make one of her own if she took an old barbie and broke into her mother’s lipstick stash.
Advantage: Transformers
Category 5: Who Would Win in a Fight
When people are talking about stuff, they often ask who would win in a fight. This post would be remiss to deviate from such a standard tradition.
Transformers
The Transformers have numerous weapons at their disposal. Autobots can transform into speeding vehicles that can squish the unlucky target under its tires or, in the case of the Dinobots, transform into fire-breathing robot dinosaurs. The Decepticons can dive bomb the enemy with planes and also have lots of guns--one of which being the transformed version of their leader itself. The Decepticons’ Rumble can even create earthquakes!
Jem
Don’t get me wrong; I’m a firm believer in the power of rock n’ roll. However, not even Angus Young could defeat robot semi-trucks, robot fighter planes, and fire-breathing robot dinosaurs.
Advantage: Transformers
So there you have it: the Transformers are superior to Jem in almost every way. In fact, I had to stretch to include of a category where Jem could possibly best the robots in disguise (gender inclusiveness). So if you want to watch a show about girl power, well, feel free to buy Spice Girls albums and turn on an old episode of Jem and the Holograms. But if you want to watch a superior program about the epic clash of transforming robots who in one episode committed their evil leader to therapy (and who wouldn’t), transformers is the only choice.
QED