It was a gorgeous day today...outside.
How did a day that started out so well, and was so beautiful, end up with me feeling like I wanted to throw myself off of the top of Young?
I despise my lack of talent. I despair of ever making anything of myself. I hate being ok at most things and great at nothing. I don't know what to do where to go what to aim for.
I can't fulfill my goals if I can't come up with any that I really want. Everything I think of seems useless or so far out of reach, completely unobtainable. And at this point in my life there are things that are unobtainable. Possibilities are lost every day. I'll never have the same chances again.
I want to excel in the things I enjoy, but I don't have any natural talents. I try to succeed at something only to feel inferior. I don't want to be run-of-the-mill, to be "of the mill from which (boringness and apathy and mediocrity) are run" -Wakcher, there's one for you.
I don't need to be the best at something. I just need to be better than acceptable. I want an A, not a B, but as Michael and I were saying at lunch today, it isn't worth the exponentially greater effort it takes to get an A when you can coast and get a B. We were talking about class at LFC, not life, but it applies to my life too.
How can I make a difference when I'm invisible? How can I matter when someone I've had real conversations with maybe once a month tells a mutual friend that he's really glad we've been talking so much more this term? Why am I unwilling to trust anyone completely?
I'm sick of futility, of having plans and then having them fucked up by fate. I'm tired of forms to fill out and ridiculous bureaucracy and time constraints.
I'm flailing at barriers that are fluid enough that I feel that I'm making progress only to find myself back in my original position.
I apologize for the angst. Ignore it, please. I just needed to scream, and this is always a good place, because doing it aloud would wake my neighbors.
I despise my lack of talent. I despair of ever making anything of myself. I hate being ok at most things and great at nothing. I don't know what to do where to go what to aim for.
I can't fulfill my goals if I can't come up with any that I really want. Everything I think of seems useless or so far out of reach, completely unobtainable. And at this point in my life there are things that are unobtainable. Possibilities are lost every day. I'll never have the same chances again.
I want to excel in the things I enjoy, but I don't have any natural talents. I try to succeed at something only to feel inferior. I don't want to be run-of-the-mill, to be "of the mill from which (boringness and apathy and mediocrity) are run" -Wakcher, there's one for you.
I don't need to be the best at something. I just need to be better than acceptable. I want an A, not a B, but as Michael and I were saying at lunch today, it isn't worth the exponentially greater effort it takes to get an A when you can coast and get a B. We were talking about class at LFC, not life, but it applies to my life too.
How can I make a difference when I'm invisible? How can I matter when someone I've had real conversations with maybe once a month tells a mutual friend that he's really glad we've been talking so much more this term? Why am I unwilling to trust anyone completely?
I'm sick of futility, of having plans and then having them fucked up by fate. I'm tired of forms to fill out and ridiculous bureaucracy and time constraints.
I'm flailing at barriers that are fluid enough that I feel that I'm making progress only to find myself back in my original position.
I apologize for the angst. Ignore it, please. I just needed to scream, and this is always a good place, because doing it aloud would wake my neighbors.