Not yet

[quirkytizzy]

I don't know what I want to write - only that I have time and that I could write. I dreamed about dialysis last night, chained to a room I could never leave. How appropo. I dreamt of the sea, a creeping, sickening-smelling tide, rising inch by inevitable inch to swallow me whole

Comments

[matrixmann]

Against "feeling like not having not enough time" - I guess, that's something which no-one can help you against...

Whereas, what comes to mind for me in terms of "what to write?" and "how to spend the limited remaining amount of time?" is: I think what a moderate share of people in such a condition do is trying to experience something. - It needn't be much, it needn't cost huge amounts of money; it can even mean just heading off to the same dream spheres like somebody around or close to you.
What "experiencing something" can be in practice is very up to somebody individually...
It's the techique to embrace "okay, do something with your time which you perceive as meaningful".

If there's more than the daily gray, then you also automatically have something to talk about instead of bitterness...

[quirkytizzy]

Holy shit this is fucking brilliant

[howlin_wolf_66]

No, you aren't dead yet... Every day that you have is an opportunity to make the most of being here... It is too short a time, but if you can, it's possible to extend it by letting go of anger, bitterness and resentment, and living twice the life of your unthinking contemporaries, in a compressed timescale.

[quirkytizzy]

I like that way of putting it "living twice the life of your unthinking contemporaries, in a compressed timescale." I'm so afraid of my life shrinking through the illness stripping everything away, or at least afraid of dialysis stripping it all away.

Compressed timescale. That's an amazing way of thinking of it.

[howlin_wolf_66]

It can strip the life you know NOW away, but it can't strip your attitude unless you let it. You have to reframe your life into something - not better, not worse - different... Easier said than done, but possible. *hugs*

[andrewducker]

The thing about dialysis is that it's something you have to turn up to regularly and go through.

A lot of the time it's possible to distract ourselves from our meat bodies and their slow collapse. It's hard to do that while they're being plugged into machines and we're uncomfortable from that.

So the whole process is a reminder of our mortality, as well as being physically uncomfortable. I'm not surprised it's scary!

I'm glad you're writing about how you're doing with it. I hope it helps.

[quirkytizzy]

YES! That! I'm quickly reaching the point of not being able to deny that I'm in a body and it can fucking die. And that's terrifying! Thank you - putting those words that you wrote helps narrow down another part of it that I am afraid of. I hadn't put my finger on that earlier!