(no subject)
Recently been hatin' on myself a bit. Normal stuff. Looking in mirrors too much makes me not really like me, which is why I tend to make distracting faces.
On Sunday, read PostSecret. Was bored, so wandered over to PostSecret forums and made account. Browsed. Found thread asking people's opinion on the attractiveness of fat ladies. (Uh-oh.) Read mostly positive comments. Over three hundred pages. So, obviously, did not read them all. Got distracted by links. One to another to another, and so on. Interesting women saying interesting things.
Now I kind of understand why I hate myself. It's because I don't like me. I hate that I will not give myself a chance to like myself, that I must always be judging by too many narrow standards, whether they're my own or someone else's or society's. I am not smart enough. I am not mature enough. I am not pretty enough. And oh gods, I'm fucking huge. I hate myself for restraining me from doing things that I guess I have always been interested in trying. I should stop being embarrassed by the art talents of others, and not be ashamed to listen to their critiques; and yeah, maybe I really am better than I think, like they tell me. My friends are not only my friends because they pity me for social awkwardness. And just because I'm big doesn't mean I can't wear nice clothes.
I wish I could believe all of this. I hate the little part of me that won't let go of self-loathing. I'm so fucking insecure. I have the privilege to know so many people who are happy with who they are; why can't I do that? It's not like I don't want to.
Although maybe that's exactly it is. Maybe I'm just kind of afraid of starting to like myself. So all I can say now is STFU, Olivia. Go draw or sculpt something and be nice to yourself.
I just wish I would listen to myself.
I promise the next post will be happier.
On Sunday, read PostSecret. Was bored, so wandered over to PostSecret forums and made account. Browsed. Found thread asking people's opinion on the attractiveness of fat ladies. (Uh-oh.) Read mostly positive comments. Over three hundred pages. So, obviously, did not read them all. Got distracted by links. One to another to another, and so on. Interesting women saying interesting things.
Now I kind of understand why I hate myself. It's because I don't like me. I hate that I will not give myself a chance to like myself, that I must always be judging by too many narrow standards, whether they're my own or someone else's or society's. I am not smart enough. I am not mature enough. I am not pretty enough. And oh gods, I'm fucking huge. I hate myself for restraining me from doing things that I guess I have always been interested in trying. I should stop being embarrassed by the art talents of others, and not be ashamed to listen to their critiques; and yeah, maybe I really am better than I think, like they tell me. My friends are not only my friends because they pity me for social awkwardness. And just because I'm big doesn't mean I can't wear nice clothes.
I wish I could believe all of this. I hate the little part of me that won't let go of self-loathing. I'm so fucking insecure. I have the privilege to know so many people who are happy with who they are; why can't I do that? It's not like I don't want to.
Although maybe that's exactly it is. Maybe I'm just kind of afraid of starting to like myself. So all I can say now is STFU, Olivia. Go draw or sculpt something and be nice to yourself.
I just wish I would listen to myself.
I promise the next post will be happier.