Dialogue Only Answers
Were you able to identify all the conversations? Here are the answers.
1. Acting the Goat by sunnythirty3
2. Liquid Courage by sshg316
3. The Sponge Bath by JenKM1216 aka remusseverus aka gypsy_morph
4. On the Receiving End of Self Appointed Cupids by blackaces924
5. Unchain My Heart by ozratbag2
6. Trapped by Hidden Allusion
7. Mistletoe by shiv5468
8. A Simple Suggestion (With Dishonorable Intentions) by Mary
9. Wedding Night Hassles by alwaysimploding
10. SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN by elise_wanderer
Red herrings:
That F---ing Book by miamadwyn
A Cauldron of Trouble by herlifeisbroken
1. “Severus?”
“Mmm. Yes, dear?”
“That letter looks awfully officious. What’s it about?”
“Here, you take a look at it. I’m not sure I’m seeing correctly. I thought it said I had inherited bloody Aberforth Dumbledore’s bloody goats. I’m going to find my glasses.”
“Don’t bother. You’re not seeing things. You are apparently now the proud owner of a dozen assorted goats. They need to be picked up by next Wednesday.”
“Oh, sweet Merlin’s twisted testicles! What the hell am I going to do with a dozen goats?”
“Stew them?”
“Don’t be crass, Hermione. You know one only uses the youngest, most tender goat meat for cooking.”
“Potions ingredients?”
“Hardly. Goats just aren’t that useful. No magical properties. Although, they may be harbouring a bezoar or two...”
“Now you’re being crass. I was just joking."
Acting the Goat by sunnythirty3
2. “What?! Where in the world did he find NyQuil?”
“HERMIONE! Hello, love! Have you come to visit me? The ol’ battleax over there won’t let me go back to my quarters.”
“Are you … is he pouting? And did you just refer to me as ‘love?’”
“But is that not what you are, Hermione? I’m soooo tired, dearest, so tired of keeping my love a secret.”
“Severus. Please stop.”
“Why are you whispering, dear heart? Minerva won’t care, s’long as I stay here. Ol’ battleax.”
“This isn’t funny, Minerva. The man is obviously delirious if he’s professing his love for me.”
Liquid Courage by sshg316
3. “What are you looking at me like that for, Miss Granger?”
“Healer Granger. I’m praying to God to give me the strength to keep from throttling you.”
“Are you threatening your patient, Miss Granger?”
“Healer Granger!”
“You don’t have to shout.”
“I’m taking off your shirt now.”
“Do you have to?”
“Yes!”
“And you’re sure you can’t use magic?”
“No! I can’t bloody use magic, you insufferable git! Your hex is still healing! Perhaps I should order tests to make sure your brain wasn’t injured, too!”
“Gryffindors. So easy.”
“You abominable man. I’m taking off your shirt.”
“I’d rather not.”
The Sponge Bath by JenKM1216 aka remusseverus aka gypsy_morph
4. "Professor, I can't find my wand."
"How wonderful! The supposedly smartest witch in Hogwarts has forgotten her wand."
“Sneering isn't going to help the situation.”
“It wasn’t designed to help any situation, Miss Granger.”
“Then shouldn’t you at least do something that is going to help us get out of here?”
“Who says I’m not doing anything?”
"Now that I think about it, where's your wand, Professor?"
“Hm…"
"Well?"
"It's in my lab."
"Hogwarts' Potions master forgot his wand too!"
"Insolent girl."
"Snarky git."
On the Receiving End of Self Appointed Cupids by blackaces924
5. “Severus?”
“Mmm?”
“Are you listening?”
“Well, that depends on what you are going to say.”
“I think you need to get over this...problem.”
“And what problem would that be, Hermione?”
“You know! Now stop being obtuse, put the crossword down and talk to me...please.”
“If I knew what the problem was, would I be asking for clarification?”
“Touché, Severus! But you’re avoiding the topic at hand and being your usual self. We both need to deal with this and it isn’t going to go away until we do.”
“Correction, Hermione. You have a problem with ‘this’, whilst I find the whole thing abhorrent and am really not at all interested.”
“How can you say that?”
“Quite easily, my dear. I already have said it on numerous occasions, but you keep badgering me to do it anyway.”
“I do not badger anyone!”
“Yes, Hermione, you do.”
Unchain My Heart by ozratbag2
6. "Stop fidgeting!"
"I do not fidget, Miss Granger, and you will kindly remember that I am your Professor."
"Not anymore. Anyway, right now you're not exactly doing a stellar job of getting us out of this situation. And you're fidgeting, which is driving me insane, so I think I'm perfectly entitled to snap at you."
"Snap! Miss Granger, you are nagging."
"I do not nag!"
"You do nag, Miss Granger. In fact, you appear to have a talent for it."
"I do not!"
"You are arguing over an indisputable fact."
"Which is as bad as saying 'do too!' Really, Professor Snape, I would expect more from a Potions Master of your standing."
"You, Miss Granger, are treading on extraordinarily thin ice. You seem to forget the degree of respect owed to a 'Potions Master of my standing.'"
"It's sort of hard to keep the formality when it's pitch black and I can't see thing. Not to mention the fact that your elbow is jammed into my stomach, your nose into the side of my jaw, and you won't stop fidgeting!"
"I do not fidget!"
"We've been here before, Professor."
"Do you ever stop arguing, Miss Granger?"
Trapped by Hidden Allusion
7. “Professor Snape, why don’t you do something?”
“I am trying, you silly woman.”
“Well, try harder! And don’t call me a silly woman.”
“For heaven’s sake Miss Granger, will you stop bumping into me? I need some space to work.”
“I’m not doing it deliberately. You don’t think Albus…?”
“Of course I do. He wouldn’t settle for simple mistletoe would he? There has to be something extra.”
Wonderful! So we’ll be pulled closer and closer together unless we kiss? Just pucker up will you?”
“I refuse to give in to that old fool’s machinations.”
“Is the though of kissing me that bad? No one is suggesting tongues, Professor, just a quick peck and it will all be over.”
Mistletoe by shiv5468
8. “Severus?”
“Professor Snape or Sir, Miss Granger. Now, kindly remove yourself from my fireplace and return to wherever it is you came from.”
“Goodness, but it is dirty in there! My robe is covered in soot.”
“It discourages unwanted visits.”
“Hmm. With that tone of voice, Severus, one might think you’re trying to tell me something.”
“Dear me, and I was afraid I was being too obvious about it.”
“Yes, well, sarcasm won’t get you out of this. At least pretend to be interested in what I have to say.”
“I never did that while you were a student, Miss Granger, and it is unlikely I’ll begin to do so now.”
“Hermione.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hermione. As you just said, I am no longer your student, and it seems only right that you call me by my first name.”
“Miss... Hermione, is there a point to your visit, or are you here out of some sense of revenge? Come to small talk me to death, perhaps? If so, I assure you you’re doing an admirable job.”
A Simple Suggestion (With Dishonorable Intentions) by Mary
9. ”Come now, my dear! Don´t get your knickers in a twist. I thought we were getting along rather well?”
”I can´t hear what you´re saying over the sound of my horrible hideousness.”
”Well, if you´re going to be like that…”
”Pay me a compliment!”
”What?”
”Say something nice!”
”???”
”I´m your wife! You should be able to say something nice about me!”
”I´m sorry, have we met? Severus Snape - dreaded potions master with evil tongue extraordinaire, notoriously mean and proud holder of the broke-the-most-students-record.”
”That´s it. I´m leaving, I tried!”
”Your appearance is not unappealing and your intellect shows potential.”
Wedding Night Hassles by alwaysimploding
10. “You’ve got a touch of pride about your Potions skills. And you’ve been known to throw out a few who dared invade your fiefdom.”
“I have never done such a thing.”
“You threw me out. Twice.”
“You’ve been keeping score, have you?”
“What, and you haven’t?”
“I would never throw someone out for humming.”
“Is that what you think provoked me?”
“The first time. Yes. I was humming. And you glared at me. You have a great glare, by the way. And then you said, ‘Miss Granger, kindly remove yourself from these premises at once.’ And you opened the door for me.”
“I did no such thing.”
“You used your wand.”
“Ah, yes. That does sound more like me.”
SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN by elise_wanderer
1. Acting the Goat by sunnythirty3
2. Liquid Courage by sshg316
3. The Sponge Bath by JenKM1216 aka remusseverus aka gypsy_morph
4. On the Receiving End of Self Appointed Cupids by blackaces924
5. Unchain My Heart by ozratbag2
6. Trapped by Hidden Allusion
7. Mistletoe by shiv5468
8. A Simple Suggestion (With Dishonorable Intentions) by Mary
9. Wedding Night Hassles by alwaysimploding
10. SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN by elise_wanderer
Red herrings:
That F---ing Book by miamadwyn
A Cauldron of Trouble by herlifeisbroken
1. “Severus?”
“Mmm. Yes, dear?”
“That letter looks awfully officious. What’s it about?”
“Here, you take a look at it. I’m not sure I’m seeing correctly. I thought it said I had inherited bloody Aberforth Dumbledore’s bloody goats. I’m going to find my glasses.”
“Don’t bother. You’re not seeing things. You are apparently now the proud owner of a dozen assorted goats. They need to be picked up by next Wednesday.”
“Oh, sweet Merlin’s twisted testicles! What the hell am I going to do with a dozen goats?”
“Stew them?”
“Don’t be crass, Hermione. You know one only uses the youngest, most tender goat meat for cooking.”
“Potions ingredients?”
“Hardly. Goats just aren’t that useful. No magical properties. Although, they may be harbouring a bezoar or two...”
“Now you’re being crass. I was just joking."
Acting the Goat by sunnythirty3
2. “What?! Where in the world did he find NyQuil?”
“HERMIONE! Hello, love! Have you come to visit me? The ol’ battleax over there won’t let me go back to my quarters.”
“Are you … is he pouting? And did you just refer to me as ‘love?’”
“But is that not what you are, Hermione? I’m soooo tired, dearest, so tired of keeping my love a secret.”
“Severus. Please stop.”
“Why are you whispering, dear heart? Minerva won’t care, s’long as I stay here. Ol’ battleax.”
“This isn’t funny, Minerva. The man is obviously delirious if he’s professing his love for me.”
Liquid Courage by sshg316
3. “What are you looking at me like that for, Miss Granger?”
“Healer Granger. I’m praying to God to give me the strength to keep from throttling you.”
“Are you threatening your patient, Miss Granger?”
“Healer Granger!”
“You don’t have to shout.”
“I’m taking off your shirt now.”
“Do you have to?”
“Yes!”
“And you’re sure you can’t use magic?”
“No! I can’t bloody use magic, you insufferable git! Your hex is still healing! Perhaps I should order tests to make sure your brain wasn’t injured, too!”
“Gryffindors. So easy.”
“You abominable man. I’m taking off your shirt.”
“I’d rather not.”
The Sponge Bath by JenKM1216 aka remusseverus aka gypsy_morph
4. "Professor, I can't find my wand."
"How wonderful! The supposedly smartest witch in Hogwarts has forgotten her wand."
“Sneering isn't going to help the situation.”
“It wasn’t designed to help any situation, Miss Granger.”
“Then shouldn’t you at least do something that is going to help us get out of here?”
“Who says I’m not doing anything?”
"Now that I think about it, where's your wand, Professor?"
“Hm…"
"Well?"
"It's in my lab."
"Hogwarts' Potions master forgot his wand too!"
"Insolent girl."
"Snarky git."
On the Receiving End of Self Appointed Cupids by blackaces924
5. “Severus?”
“Mmm?”
“Are you listening?”
“Well, that depends on what you are going to say.”
“I think you need to get over this...problem.”
“And what problem would that be, Hermione?”
“You know! Now stop being obtuse, put the crossword down and talk to me...please.”
“If I knew what the problem was, would I be asking for clarification?”
“Touché, Severus! But you’re avoiding the topic at hand and being your usual self. We both need to deal with this and it isn’t going to go away until we do.”
“Correction, Hermione. You have a problem with ‘this’, whilst I find the whole thing abhorrent and am really not at all interested.”
“How can you say that?”
“Quite easily, my dear. I already have said it on numerous occasions, but you keep badgering me to do it anyway.”
“I do not badger anyone!”
“Yes, Hermione, you do.”
Unchain My Heart by ozratbag2
6. "Stop fidgeting!"
"I do not fidget, Miss Granger, and you will kindly remember that I am your Professor."
"Not anymore. Anyway, right now you're not exactly doing a stellar job of getting us out of this situation. And you're fidgeting, which is driving me insane, so I think I'm perfectly entitled to snap at you."
"Snap! Miss Granger, you are nagging."
"I do not nag!"
"You do nag, Miss Granger. In fact, you appear to have a talent for it."
"I do not!"
"You are arguing over an indisputable fact."
"Which is as bad as saying 'do too!' Really, Professor Snape, I would expect more from a Potions Master of your standing."
"You, Miss Granger, are treading on extraordinarily thin ice. You seem to forget the degree of respect owed to a 'Potions Master of my standing.'"
"It's sort of hard to keep the formality when it's pitch black and I can't see thing. Not to mention the fact that your elbow is jammed into my stomach, your nose into the side of my jaw, and you won't stop fidgeting!"
"I do not fidget!"
"We've been here before, Professor."
"Do you ever stop arguing, Miss Granger?"
Trapped by Hidden Allusion
7. “Professor Snape, why don’t you do something?”
“I am trying, you silly woman.”
“Well, try harder! And don’t call me a silly woman.”
“For heaven’s sake Miss Granger, will you stop bumping into me? I need some space to work.”
“I’m not doing it deliberately. You don’t think Albus…?”
“Of course I do. He wouldn’t settle for simple mistletoe would he? There has to be something extra.”
Wonderful! So we’ll be pulled closer and closer together unless we kiss? Just pucker up will you?”
“I refuse to give in to that old fool’s machinations.”
“Is the though of kissing me that bad? No one is suggesting tongues, Professor, just a quick peck and it will all be over.”
Mistletoe by shiv5468
8. “Severus?”
“Professor Snape or Sir, Miss Granger. Now, kindly remove yourself from my fireplace and return to wherever it is you came from.”
“Goodness, but it is dirty in there! My robe is covered in soot.”
“It discourages unwanted visits.”
“Hmm. With that tone of voice, Severus, one might think you’re trying to tell me something.”
“Dear me, and I was afraid I was being too obvious about it.”
“Yes, well, sarcasm won’t get you out of this. At least pretend to be interested in what I have to say.”
“I never did that while you were a student, Miss Granger, and it is unlikely I’ll begin to do so now.”
“Hermione.”
“Excuse me?”
“Hermione. As you just said, I am no longer your student, and it seems only right that you call me by my first name.”
“Miss... Hermione, is there a point to your visit, or are you here out of some sense of revenge? Come to small talk me to death, perhaps? If so, I assure you you’re doing an admirable job.”
A Simple Suggestion (With Dishonorable Intentions) by Mary
9. ”Come now, my dear! Don´t get your knickers in a twist. I thought we were getting along rather well?”
”I can´t hear what you´re saying over the sound of my horrible hideousness.”
”Well, if you´re going to be like that…”
”Pay me a compliment!”
”What?”
”Say something nice!”
”???”
”I´m your wife! You should be able to say something nice about me!”
”I´m sorry, have we met? Severus Snape - dreaded potions master with evil tongue extraordinaire, notoriously mean and proud holder of the broke-the-most-students-record.”
”That´s it. I´m leaving, I tried!”
”Your appearance is not unappealing and your intellect shows potential.”
Wedding Night Hassles by alwaysimploding
10. “You’ve got a touch of pride about your Potions skills. And you’ve been known to throw out a few who dared invade your fiefdom.”
“I have never done such a thing.”
“You threw me out. Twice.”
“You’ve been keeping score, have you?”
“What, and you haven’t?”
“I would never throw someone out for humming.”
“Is that what you think provoked me?”
“The first time. Yes. I was humming. And you glared at me. You have a great glare, by the way. And then you said, ‘Miss Granger, kindly remove yourself from these premises at once.’ And you opened the door for me.”
“I did no such thing.”
“You used your wand.”
“Ah, yes. That does sound more like me.”
SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN by elise_wanderer