Prolific Author Series: Aurette
"From our very first interaction, my conversations with Aurette were wacky and delightful. From Magritte to sex toys that should NOT fall apart to roommates who shove garlic up their no-no boxes, our friendship has kept me lawling since late 2008. But she's more than just a quick wit and clever turn of phrase. Girl's got a tender heart and a patient soul and a butt that just won't quit.
That heart and soul (her tight, Aphrodite butt you'll just have to take my word on) come through in every word she writes. She's a master of dystopian fantasy, fluff, mystery, angst, and comedy. The good 'ship Grape would be poorer for her loss, and I'd be bereft without her friendship.
If you have never read any of Aurette's stories, oh, you are in for a treat, children. But seriously, if you haven't, you probably live in a cave or something. Eat cave critters. Don't participate in cave hygeine. You know who you are."
(Our heartfelt thanks go out to dressagegrrrl for this wonderful introduction.)
Want to give Hermione a run for her money in the know-it-all field? Simply play the quiz by commenting on this post with your answers at any time over the weekend. All comments with answers will be screened until the answer sheet is posted on Monday morning EST. On Monday, all quizzlings with the correct answers will receive a pretty banner to prove their quiz prowess. Ready? Set? Play!
Match the quotes to the story titles without picking the red herring titles:
The Tattered Man
Babble On
Practical Solutions
Yea, Though I Walk
The Master Spy
Needs Must
The Occluded Soul
Of Muggles and Magic
An Unwritten Future
The Caretaker
Side Effects
Hermione Granger and the Crystal of Time
Jitters
The Princess of Gryffindor
1. "Stupefy!"
I almost sprawled across the table as the man's weight hit me; he was hauled off quickly.
"Do you think you waited long enough?" I snapped at the empty room.
"I was waiting for him to close the door, I wasn't expecting him to scuttle quite so quickly. Are you alright?" Severus asked, pulling off Harry's cloak.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Then why are you complaining?"
I took a deep breath and then reached for the pot of tea and made myself a cup.
"Forgive me, it's nerves. How many does that make so far?'
"Five innocent fornicators so far. Who's arrived downstairs?
"So far Gibbons, Avery and a few of their people, about ten so far. They are expecting Jugson and one or two others but that's it."
"What about Nott's group, what are they doing?"
"Most of them are set up in the Emerald Lounge having a loud party with the doors open, but the two Goyles are in with Avery and Vaisey is with them as well, so there is some traffic between the two rooms. Warrington and a few others are at the Ministry. They will signal when they are in position." I finished my tea and set the cup back down and Severus tapped the tea service with his wand and it disappeared, called back to the kitchen by the elves.
2. "You can do this, Snape. You're not the same man you were. No one is holding a wand to your head if you fail. No one is going to Crucio you, beat you, whip you, or humiliate you. The worst is in your past. If you die, you just get out of having to do whatever Dumbledore has in store for you. Besides, the girl would have been perfectly fine if you hadn't meddled. You owe her. Those starry-eyed pillocks are counting on you so get your arse out there and deliver the goods." He took a deep breath and set his shoulders. "Right. Here goes."
Snape strode back into the library. His cape billowed behind him, and his face was a mask of purpose. Harry was struck by the overwhelming confidence Snape exuded. He was in awe of the man. He looked over at Ron, and Ron smiled at him with that same goofy, happy smile he'd always shared and mouthed, 'Wicked.'
"Shall we get on with this, Potter? I have plans for this evening." The Aurors around the room were elbowing each other and nodding at Snape's blasé demeanor.
3. "Why? We have the employee manuals, and we can both read." Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously.
"And why would you be talking to me?" Snape added. "She works for you. I don't. I'm a busy man, Potter, with a report due in three hours. Bugger off and take your puerile fantasies with you."
"Believe me, Snape, I would like nothing better, but the fact remains that it has come to our attention that the two of you are engaged in some sort of… liaison." Harry's face turned puce at this last part.
"Who's attention?"
Harry flailed his arm at the entirety of the building around him. "Everyone's! You two were seen shagging in an alley over the weekend! In public!"
Snape raised his eyebrow and sat back, dropping his quill on his desk. "Do you really think that is the sort of behavior I would engage in? Who, exactly, was the author of this spurious claim?"
Harry stared at him.
"That means, 'Says who?'" Hermione interpreted helpfully.
"I know what it means!" Harry snapped. "It was Ron, okay? He said he saw you two shagging like rabid nifflers in the alley down the street from Seamus' club."
4. "Granger," he said after their third round, "this has got to stop. Just marry the boy and let the chips fall where they may. If he cared for you at all, he would see how much this is affecting you."
"I can't," she sighed slumping down onto the table and pushing her last chip around with her finger. "Everyone wants this. Gods, it's become this beast. It has a life and momentum of its own. I swear, Snape, if I don't even show up, they won't notice." She lifted her head up and tilted her glass.
"Ronald would notice at some point later in the night, surely," he snarked from behind the rim of his glass
She snorted into her drink. "I'm not always sure about that. I mean, it's good, but I sometimes think I could be anyone, or even just a hole in the mattress."
Snape choked on his ale. He coughed and slammed it down, splashing some of it into her hair. "Christ! This is getting ridiculous! What do you see in him? He doesn't support you. He couldn't be arsed to stand up for you to his mum, and now it turns out he's a crap lay." He picked up his glass again, drained it, and signaled the bartender, Irving, for another one.
5. Hugo waited until his sister was almost gone before reaching out and tickling the pear in the painting. He stepped through into the kitchen and found Mr. Snape sitting at a table, fastidiously dabbing at his mouth with his napkin before pushing his plate away. Hugo hesitated in the doorway.
"Mr. Weasley, punctuality is always pleasant. Do come in."
Hugo walked over towards the table, trying to control his nervousness.
"Sir, you said something yesterday about getting rid of my fear?"
"I said no such thing," said the man as he unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves. Hugo's face fell. "I asked if you wished to control your fear. No one would want to get rid of fear. What would to keep you from trying to kiss the squid if that were the case?"
He pushed his chair back from the table and studied the boy.
"Do you have your wand?"
"Yes, sir."
The man held out a long-fingered hand. "Give it to me."
6. "So there I was, at the baptismal font, babbling away like a git and holding this infant that was doing it's damndest to try and squirm out of my hand. I was utterly convinced I was going to drop him on his head. I finally managed to shut up long enough to take a breath, and during the pause, the cheeky little brat filled his nappy. It was so extraordinarily loud! And even I cannot properly find a way to describe the smell! Anyway, that's when I realized that children weren't for me. I can fake it long enough to give my godson a present and eat cake with him, but it's so much effort not to show how much the boy actually makes my skin crawl. He's cute as a button, mind, and I'm counting on you never telling Harry I said this about his son, not that you talk to Harry, but if you ever wanted revenge on me then telling him would be a devastating one. Anyway, back to my point, if you asked me to dinner for any reason other than friendly, meaning if you were looking forward to perhaps exploring a future together, I would be very amenable. However I thought it only fair to tell you right off the top that children aren't a priority. At all. Nope. Hate them, in fact. Of course, it's most likely highly inappropriate to bring this up on a first date-this is a date, isn't it?"
7. "You're not going back to the castle?" he inquired suddenly, discomfited at the tone of his voice.
"No, Viktor and I will be spending the night in London. I did tell Minerva-weeks ago-so our duties tomorrow are covered. We'll be back late tomorrow night. Minerva said it was fine."
She gave him a questioning look, but he wasn't sure what she was asking and suddenly feared what he would answer. He waved a hand towards the door.
"Enjoy your weekend, Professor."
She continued to stare at him as if he was a puzzle to be solved, and he scowled.
"I will. I hope you have a pleasant evening as well, Headmaster. I will see you Sunday morning."
He turned away without acknowledging her goodbye and ignored the sound of the door closing after her.
He stared up at the sickly orange glow and struggled to order his mind.
The door to the alley opened again and he spun around, pathetically pleased to hear his wife's voice.
"Severus, those hideous cherubs are completely out of hand in there. I was hoping I could induce you to end the problem once and for all."
8. He sighed and pulled her closer.
Hermione rested her head on his shoulder as he pulled her tight against him. It felt good to lie next to him again, to wrap her arm around his chest and listen to him breathe. So much of the conflict and upheaval seemed to slough away when they held each other like this. All that remained was the feeling of rightness, the warm bubbling emotions that defied categorization… and the knowledge that he was going to die.
She twisted her head up and kissed his cheek, and he responded with a light kiss on her forehead. She rose up and, with a question in her eyes, kissed his lips. He didn't even hesitate. He leaned his head up and kissed her again gently, teasing her mouth open and deepening the kiss.
She broke away with a sigh, "Could I have my pity shag now? I could really stand a good bit of pity."
9. "Hello, Hermione!" She turned to see Ron waving at her from where his family stood in a cluster. Harry was with to them too, dressed like a common street urchin. He was caught up in a chat with Neville. Hermione bristled like a cat.
"Hello, Ron."
"Now, don't be mad at me. I'm really very sorry about what happened that night. And you did get nice teeth out of it? I bet that made you happy."
"Actually, Ronald, that caused me even more problems. Honestly, how exactly was I supposed to explain brand new teeth to my parents?"
"Oh, sorry. That must have been awful. How did you explain it?"
"The situation was taken care of for me, thank you very much."
"Look, Hermione. I felt awful about what happened. I'm really terribly sorry. I know I already apologized, but I spent all summer trying to figure out how to say it again. I don't want you to be mad with me. Could we start again?" He stuck out his hand. "Hello, I'm Ronald Weasley."
Hermione scrunched up her face but then let slip a wry smile. She sighed and held out her hand.
"Pleased to meet you, Ronald." She shook his hand quickly. "I would appreciate it most sincerely if you would stop creating situations where you have to apologize to me in the future."
10. "No, I probably don't. In fact I know I don't. Please come with me, Professor!" He mumbled something in reply. "I'm sorry?"
"I said, it's not your arm. I suspect you might not be comfortable dropping your trousers in front of your former teacher."
"I don't care if they make me strip naked and jog in place. Right now, I need you there; I'll deal with being mortified later! Surely you've seen enough arses that it won't faze you. I promise it's a nice bum!"
The impatient assistant called her name again and she started across the room, dragging him with her by his elbow, completely oblivious to the reaction of their audience.
Eventually dragging Snape switched to being dragged by Snape as they followed the assistant down the hall. They were pointed to a small room and then the woman whirled away to claim another victim. Hermione and her professor entered the small room together, her face was pressed into his chest, and his arm was clamped around her back. He gave her a bit of a shove when her legs locked up, and she stumbled forward and planted her hands on the examining table to keep from falling. She turned back to scowl at him and he grimaced in apology. Another frightened squeak made them both turn their heads. The Healer darted out of the room, leaving behind a frightened looking assistant rattling a syringe and some swabs on a tray. Professor Snape and Hermione exchanged bewildered looks.
Another Healer came into the room carrying a clipboard. "As if I have time for games!" the Healer snarled back over his shoulder. He turned to Hermione and gave her a banal smile.
That heart and soul (her tight, Aphrodite butt you'll just have to take my word on) come through in every word she writes. She's a master of dystopian fantasy, fluff, mystery, angst, and comedy. The good 'ship Grape would be poorer for her loss, and I'd be bereft without her friendship.
If you have never read any of Aurette's stories, oh, you are in for a treat, children. But seriously, if you haven't, you probably live in a cave or something. Eat cave critters. Don't participate in cave hygeine. You know who you are."
(Our heartfelt thanks go out to dressagegrrrl for this wonderful introduction.)
Want to give Hermione a run for her money in the know-it-all field? Simply play the quiz by commenting on this post with your answers at any time over the weekend. All comments with answers will be screened until the answer sheet is posted on Monday morning EST. On Monday, all quizzlings with the correct answers will receive a pretty banner to prove their quiz prowess. Ready? Set? Play!
Match the quotes to the story titles without picking the red herring titles:
The Tattered Man
Babble On
Practical Solutions
Yea, Though I Walk
The Master Spy
Needs Must
The Occluded Soul
Of Muggles and Magic
An Unwritten Future
The Caretaker
Side Effects
Hermione Granger and the Crystal of Time
Jitters
The Princess of Gryffindor
1. "Stupefy!"
I almost sprawled across the table as the man's weight hit me; he was hauled off quickly.
"Do you think you waited long enough?" I snapped at the empty room.
"I was waiting for him to close the door, I wasn't expecting him to scuttle quite so quickly. Are you alright?" Severus asked, pulling off Harry's cloak.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Then why are you complaining?"
I took a deep breath and then reached for the pot of tea and made myself a cup.
"Forgive me, it's nerves. How many does that make so far?'
"Five innocent fornicators so far. Who's arrived downstairs?
"So far Gibbons, Avery and a few of their people, about ten so far. They are expecting Jugson and one or two others but that's it."
"What about Nott's group, what are they doing?"
"Most of them are set up in the Emerald Lounge having a loud party with the doors open, but the two Goyles are in with Avery and Vaisey is with them as well, so there is some traffic between the two rooms. Warrington and a few others are at the Ministry. They will signal when they are in position." I finished my tea and set the cup back down and Severus tapped the tea service with his wand and it disappeared, called back to the kitchen by the elves.
2. "You can do this, Snape. You're not the same man you were. No one is holding a wand to your head if you fail. No one is going to Crucio you, beat you, whip you, or humiliate you. The worst is in your past. If you die, you just get out of having to do whatever Dumbledore has in store for you. Besides, the girl would have been perfectly fine if you hadn't meddled. You owe her. Those starry-eyed pillocks are counting on you so get your arse out there and deliver the goods." He took a deep breath and set his shoulders. "Right. Here goes."
Snape strode back into the library. His cape billowed behind him, and his face was a mask of purpose. Harry was struck by the overwhelming confidence Snape exuded. He was in awe of the man. He looked over at Ron, and Ron smiled at him with that same goofy, happy smile he'd always shared and mouthed, 'Wicked.'
"Shall we get on with this, Potter? I have plans for this evening." The Aurors around the room were elbowing each other and nodding at Snape's blasé demeanor.
3. "Why? We have the employee manuals, and we can both read." Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously.
"And why would you be talking to me?" Snape added. "She works for you. I don't. I'm a busy man, Potter, with a report due in three hours. Bugger off and take your puerile fantasies with you."
"Believe me, Snape, I would like nothing better, but the fact remains that it has come to our attention that the two of you are engaged in some sort of… liaison." Harry's face turned puce at this last part.
"Who's attention?"
Harry flailed his arm at the entirety of the building around him. "Everyone's! You two were seen shagging in an alley over the weekend! In public!"
Snape raised his eyebrow and sat back, dropping his quill on his desk. "Do you really think that is the sort of behavior I would engage in? Who, exactly, was the author of this spurious claim?"
Harry stared at him.
"That means, 'Says who?'" Hermione interpreted helpfully.
"I know what it means!" Harry snapped. "It was Ron, okay? He said he saw you two shagging like rabid nifflers in the alley down the street from Seamus' club."
4. "Granger," he said after their third round, "this has got to stop. Just marry the boy and let the chips fall where they may. If he cared for you at all, he would see how much this is affecting you."
"I can't," she sighed slumping down onto the table and pushing her last chip around with her finger. "Everyone wants this. Gods, it's become this beast. It has a life and momentum of its own. I swear, Snape, if I don't even show up, they won't notice." She lifted her head up and tilted her glass.
"Ronald would notice at some point later in the night, surely," he snarked from behind the rim of his glass
She snorted into her drink. "I'm not always sure about that. I mean, it's good, but I sometimes think I could be anyone, or even just a hole in the mattress."
Snape choked on his ale. He coughed and slammed it down, splashing some of it into her hair. "Christ! This is getting ridiculous! What do you see in him? He doesn't support you. He couldn't be arsed to stand up for you to his mum, and now it turns out he's a crap lay." He picked up his glass again, drained it, and signaled the bartender, Irving, for another one.
5. Hugo waited until his sister was almost gone before reaching out and tickling the pear in the painting. He stepped through into the kitchen and found Mr. Snape sitting at a table, fastidiously dabbing at his mouth with his napkin before pushing his plate away. Hugo hesitated in the doorway.
"Mr. Weasley, punctuality is always pleasant. Do come in."
Hugo walked over towards the table, trying to control his nervousness.
"Sir, you said something yesterday about getting rid of my fear?"
"I said no such thing," said the man as he unbuttoned his cuffs and rolled up his sleeves. Hugo's face fell. "I asked if you wished to control your fear. No one would want to get rid of fear. What would to keep you from trying to kiss the squid if that were the case?"
He pushed his chair back from the table and studied the boy.
"Do you have your wand?"
"Yes, sir."
The man held out a long-fingered hand. "Give it to me."
6. "So there I was, at the baptismal font, babbling away like a git and holding this infant that was doing it's damndest to try and squirm out of my hand. I was utterly convinced I was going to drop him on his head. I finally managed to shut up long enough to take a breath, and during the pause, the cheeky little brat filled his nappy. It was so extraordinarily loud! And even I cannot properly find a way to describe the smell! Anyway, that's when I realized that children weren't for me. I can fake it long enough to give my godson a present and eat cake with him, but it's so much effort not to show how much the boy actually makes my skin crawl. He's cute as a button, mind, and I'm counting on you never telling Harry I said this about his son, not that you talk to Harry, but if you ever wanted revenge on me then telling him would be a devastating one. Anyway, back to my point, if you asked me to dinner for any reason other than friendly, meaning if you were looking forward to perhaps exploring a future together, I would be very amenable. However I thought it only fair to tell you right off the top that children aren't a priority. At all. Nope. Hate them, in fact. Of course, it's most likely highly inappropriate to bring this up on a first date-this is a date, isn't it?"
7. "You're not going back to the castle?" he inquired suddenly, discomfited at the tone of his voice.
"No, Viktor and I will be spending the night in London. I did tell Minerva-weeks ago-so our duties tomorrow are covered. We'll be back late tomorrow night. Minerva said it was fine."
She gave him a questioning look, but he wasn't sure what she was asking and suddenly feared what he would answer. He waved a hand towards the door.
"Enjoy your weekend, Professor."
She continued to stare at him as if he was a puzzle to be solved, and he scowled.
"I will. I hope you have a pleasant evening as well, Headmaster. I will see you Sunday morning."
He turned away without acknowledging her goodbye and ignored the sound of the door closing after her.
He stared up at the sickly orange glow and struggled to order his mind.
The door to the alley opened again and he spun around, pathetically pleased to hear his wife's voice.
"Severus, those hideous cherubs are completely out of hand in there. I was hoping I could induce you to end the problem once and for all."
8. He sighed and pulled her closer.
Hermione rested her head on his shoulder as he pulled her tight against him. It felt good to lie next to him again, to wrap her arm around his chest and listen to him breathe. So much of the conflict and upheaval seemed to slough away when they held each other like this. All that remained was the feeling of rightness, the warm bubbling emotions that defied categorization… and the knowledge that he was going to die.
She twisted her head up and kissed his cheek, and he responded with a light kiss on her forehead. She rose up and, with a question in her eyes, kissed his lips. He didn't even hesitate. He leaned his head up and kissed her again gently, teasing her mouth open and deepening the kiss.
She broke away with a sigh, "Could I have my pity shag now? I could really stand a good bit of pity."
9. "Hello, Hermione!" She turned to see Ron waving at her from where his family stood in a cluster. Harry was with to them too, dressed like a common street urchin. He was caught up in a chat with Neville. Hermione bristled like a cat.
"Hello, Ron."
"Now, don't be mad at me. I'm really very sorry about what happened that night. And you did get nice teeth out of it? I bet that made you happy."
"Actually, Ronald, that caused me even more problems. Honestly, how exactly was I supposed to explain brand new teeth to my parents?"
"Oh, sorry. That must have been awful. How did you explain it?"
"The situation was taken care of for me, thank you very much."
"Look, Hermione. I felt awful about what happened. I'm really terribly sorry. I know I already apologized, but I spent all summer trying to figure out how to say it again. I don't want you to be mad with me. Could we start again?" He stuck out his hand. "Hello, I'm Ronald Weasley."
Hermione scrunched up her face but then let slip a wry smile. She sighed and held out her hand.
"Pleased to meet you, Ronald." She shook his hand quickly. "I would appreciate it most sincerely if you would stop creating situations where you have to apologize to me in the future."
10. "No, I probably don't. In fact I know I don't. Please come with me, Professor!" He mumbled something in reply. "I'm sorry?"
"I said, it's not your arm. I suspect you might not be comfortable dropping your trousers in front of your former teacher."
"I don't care if they make me strip naked and jog in place. Right now, I need you there; I'll deal with being mortified later! Surely you've seen enough arses that it won't faze you. I promise it's a nice bum!"
The impatient assistant called her name again and she started across the room, dragging him with her by his elbow, completely oblivious to the reaction of their audience.
Eventually dragging Snape switched to being dragged by Snape as they followed the assistant down the hall. They were pointed to a small room and then the woman whirled away to claim another victim. Hermione and her professor entered the small room together, her face was pressed into his chest, and his arm was clamped around her back. He gave her a bit of a shove when her legs locked up, and she stumbled forward and planted her hands on the examining table to keep from falling. She turned back to scowl at him and he grimaced in apology. Another frightened squeak made them both turn their heads. The Healer darted out of the room, leaving behind a frightened looking assistant rattling a syringe and some swabs on a tray. Professor Snape and Hermione exchanged bewildered looks.
Another Healer came into the room carrying a clipboard. "As if I have time for games!" the Healer snarled back over his shoulder. He turned to Hermione and gave her a banal smile.