Blind dates, set ups, a shove in the right direction Quiz
Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. Sometimes Severus has his head stuck in a cauldron and doesn’t realize Hermione is hiding in plain sight, right in front of him. Its times like these when another helpful soul must roll up her sleeves and do some matchmaking. A blind date, an ad in the paper, or a nudge in the right direction. This week Quiz focuses on the set-ups.
Kudos to leandra713 for suggesting this Quiz theme and to dynonugget for selecting it as her prize.
Match the quote to the story:
Meeting Frederick by keladry-lupin
Single Magical Male by moaning myrtle
Third Times the Charm by ginny-weasley31
Frogs in Winter by ladyofthemasque
Valentines Day by tonksinger
Two Intellectually Lonely People by angelmischa
The Witches of Gilford by pajamapants (WIP)
An Allowable Deduction by stormyskize
Darkest Before the Light by celisnebula
Peeves the Matchmaker by Ezmerelda
Lest Old Traditions Fail by Quilluision
Bubble Bath by shiv5468
1. "Who the bloody hell does Molly think she is, meddling in my life like this? And could she not think of anything else? 'Oh, Hermione loves books... let's give her something to do with books!' Gah! I like literature! I like nonfiction! I like bloody academic journals! I loathe the sort of pulpy crap that they always parade in the front window of Flourish and Blotts, which you can damn well bet is the kind of fluff they'll have us read at this damn book club!"
Witnessing this unusual outburst, Ginny silently wondered if perhaps Ron's swearing had rubbed off on Hermione a bit more than they'd all realized. "Good lord, Hermione," Ginny finally interjected. "By the way you're swearing, you'd think Mum had ratted you out to a band of renegade Death Eaters. Just give it a bloody rest! It's a book club for fuck's sake! How bad can it be?"
2. “You’re rich, aren’t you?” Malfoy said baldly. “And you hold a position of some authority in the Ministry.”
Hermione laughed. “All true.”
“Power is … attractive, Miss Granger,” Lucius said, dropping his voice to a low purr.
“Are you coming on to me, Mr. Malfoy?”
“I’d like to offer you the opportunity to attend one of my soirees,” he replied. “You’ll find it fascinating.”
“And how much would it cost me to attend?” Hermione asked.
“Why don’t we have dinner tonight and discuss the particulars?” Lucius invited.
Hermione bit her lip.
“Really, Miss Granger … Hermione … it’s only dinner.”
3. "My dear Miss Granger, I am afraid that you won't be going anywhere." The words and his tone of voice sent shivers down her spine and a cold knot formed in her stomach. However, like a true Gryffindor, she lifted her chin and turned to face him, careful to keep her eyes slightly out of focus.
"I beg your pardon?" She began in her iciest tone. "Do you intend to hold me hostage?"
The corner of his lip twitched at her rebellion and she thought she detected a sparkle in his eyes. "Nothing of the sort, Miss Granger. You see these aren't my rooms and there is no door - and no other way out. That is, unless perchance you have your wand?" Hermione reached into her pocket and felt…nothing.
"My wand! It's gone!" Snape nodded.
"I am as much a …hostage…as you are." The colour drained from Hermione's face. A quick glance told her that Snape's initial assessment was correct. The only door led to a bath, that, from the little Hermione could see, was even more Spartan than the room she was in. The fireplace made up part of a partition that separated the sitting area from the sleeping area, which housed a rather large four poster bed.
"So we…we're stuck here?"
"I'm afraid so, Miss Granger." He suddenly sounded very tired.
Hermione closed her eyes and collapsed into the hard wooden chair across the table from Snape, silently cursing Peeves for his particularly foul sense of humour.
4. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Dorothy and Benjamin Grey have told me a lot about you,” he was saying, but her mind had stuttered to a stop at the familiar drawl, ice running through her veins when he uttered a name so similar to her own.
She glanced at his hand - long and thin, like a spider, with lots of scars on his fingers - and back at his face. Her hand clenched around his suddenly, and the butterflies in her stomach seemed to explode. “You’re alive,” she whispered.
He blanched under his tan, black eyes wide for a second. The furious scowl he favoured her with a moment later confirmed his identity, and Severus Snape looked no less intimidating in a charcoal suit and red tie than he ever had in his frock coat and teaching robes. “Granger.”
“Erm,” she so eloquently said, trying to sort out the relief, terror, sorrow, and exuberance that thrilled in her breast, but she was cut short when he walked out.
5. When she’d read the note in her flat earlier the name had been blank, as apparently Ginny hadn’t trusted her not to show up for the date. Which, after reading the all-elusive name, she likely wouldn't have. Hermione groaned. “I'm here to meet Percy Weasley.”
Snape had always been able to spot the slightest sign of wrongdoing in his classes; he didn't miss anything, and the faintly malicious glint in his eyes made Hermione think that he had worked out exactly what her situation was. If it wasn't bad enough being sent on a blind date with Percy Weasley - and what was Ginny thinking of to match her with that pompous windbag? - now she was having to conduct this entire mess under the beady eyes of her ex-Professor.
It really couldn't get any worse, not even if Voldemort was brought back from the grave to wait on the tables. In fact, she'd rather welcome that because it would give her an excuse to leave.
“If you will follow me, Madam,” Snape said, laying an unpleasant emphasis on the title, in a way that brought to mind old maids and vestal virgins. “I will show you to your table. Mr Weasley is yet to arrive. Perhaps Madam would like a drink while she is waiting?”
“Madam would,” she replied shortly.
6. “Nothing at all. Professor Snape has just been kind enough to allow me to use his bathroom so I can get some peace and quiet, that’s all. ”
McGonagall’s face softened. “Goodness me, Hermione, I know you haven’t been doing anything! You’re not in trouble in anyway. I know Professor Snape would not take advantage of a student in his care.”
Hermione relaxed back into the bath.
“Which is really rather the point, I suppose. You’ll have to make the first move, you know. He won’t.”
Hermione stared at her in shock. “Pardon?”
“If you want Severus, you will have to make the first move. Really, dear, for a bright girl sometimes you are slow on the uptake.”
“But… but…” Fleetingly Hermione wondered if someone was using Polyjuice to impersonate the Headmistress, the conversation was so bizarre. “He’s my teacher…”
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
7. They both jumped up from the ground at the sound of someone crushing through the leaves. Severus pushed Hermione behind him, in an effort to shield her from an attack. Hermione scrambled to grab at their clothing. She pulled her shirt on and threw Severus his trousers. They dressed as quickly as possible. From the thick growth of trees, two figures emerged.
“Potter!” Snape spat, taking a menacing step towards the shorter man. Hermione placed a restraining hand on his arm.
“Now, Severus,” Draco cautioned stepping into the light.
“Malfoy!” Hermione growled, narrowing her eyes.
“You’re not going to hit me again, are you?” Draco asked, hiding half-way behind Harry.
“You hit him?” Severus asked, placing his hand on top of hers.
“Once.” She gave him a chagrin look. “I was only fourteen at the time,” she admitted sheepishly.
8. After quite a bit of arguing back and forth, the criteria he finally agreed to were as follows:
Female (“That should put an end to at least some of the speculation,” he growled)
Witch (“That’s right, a witch, not a vampire. That should kill most of the remaining rumours”)
Between 25 and 50 years of age (He had the good sense to at least look at the witches apologetically at this)
Photo Included (His opinion of Poppy rose several notches when he learned that this had been her idea.)
Single (He shuddered to think that this was not a given.)
No children (He shuddered to think about this in general.)
Living alone (“There’s no need for parental or co-habitor interrogation.”)
Employed and happy about it (“Whiners are not attractive, nor do I wish to be viewed as a winning lottery ticket.”)
University educated (He hoped this was obvious. It was.)
After reviewing his list, Minerva added the following:
Reasonably attractive (He mightn’t be classically handsome but he wasn’t unattractive by any means.)
Living in England (No one needed long-distance complications, thank you very much.)
English-speaking (She knew he was conversant in Italian and French, but that was just too much to deal with)
No glamour charm used in the required photo (Thank heavens for spell-revealing charms!)
If any of the ladies had imagined the volume of responses the personal ad would generate, they would probably have never gone through with their scheme. Either the number of eligible wizards was far fewer than they imagined or the wizards who were available were particularly unappealing. They’d expected maybe twenty to thirty replies; by the end of the first two weeks, they’d received 213.
9. “Lucius. I should have known.” Severus crossed to the window and pointed his wand directly at his old friend, who winced slightly and put his hands up in surrender. Slightly foppish and self-absorbed he might be, but Lucius knew exactly when he had lost-and how to stay alive in such circumstances. “Come out here. Now.”
The blonde man nodded and, still keeping his hands in plain sight, stood, spun, and vanished with a hollow pop, to reappear just inside the door of the ersatz bedroom.
A door which he was promptly slammed against by Hermione throwing herself at him and jamming her wand under his chin.
“It was you!” she screeched, grabbing his collar and yanking him down to her level. “It is your fucking doing that forced me to go on five dates with Percy Weasley! Do you know what that’s like, you smarmy, conniving bastard?”
“I’m terribly sorry about that, Miss Granger,” he said, voice only shaking a little in the face of her ire, “but really, it was the only way to ever get you and Severus to realize what was there--”
“And for you to fulfill your little voyeuristic kink.” Severus crossed his arms and stared at the other man, several options of action running through his head. On the one hand, he was very angry with Lucius for daring to interfere in their lives in such a drastic manner; he would see that the man got what was coming to him.
10. “…Do you know who kidnaffed me?”
“No.” Memory spilled through his aching brain, and he groaned, bowing his whole body in horror. Remembering. “Oh, god…I said I wanted to tie you to my bed and fuck you silly, last night-my buggering godson must’ve taken me seriously! Not that I was kidding, because I really do-oh, shite-”
He broke off, wishing lightning was capable of striking his quarters through several floors of solid castle overhead, hidden as they were through a secret entrance in his dungeon-level office, which was tucked next to his dungeon-level classroom. A hidden entrance he rued the day he’d ever showed the prat now drooling on his sofa, out in the other room. A hidden entrance he’d kick the platinum wanker out through, as soon as he got this little disaster-sorry, this HUGE fucking disaster-solved. Somehow. Unfortunately, he had no idea how.
Naked naked naked naked…
“…Unfie fee-fow!” the naked naked naked naked woman tied sexily to his bed growled unsexily.
Kudos to leandra713 for suggesting this Quiz theme and to dynonugget for selecting it as her prize.
Match the quote to the story:
Meeting Frederick by keladry-lupin
Single Magical Male by moaning myrtle
Third Times the Charm by ginny-weasley31
Frogs in Winter by ladyofthemasque
Valentines Day by tonksinger
Two Intellectually Lonely People by angelmischa
The Witches of Gilford by pajamapants (WIP)
An Allowable Deduction by stormyskize
Darkest Before the Light by celisnebula
Peeves the Matchmaker by Ezmerelda
Lest Old Traditions Fail by Quilluision
Bubble Bath by shiv5468
1. "Who the bloody hell does Molly think she is, meddling in my life like this? And could she not think of anything else? 'Oh, Hermione loves books... let's give her something to do with books!' Gah! I like literature! I like nonfiction! I like bloody academic journals! I loathe the sort of pulpy crap that they always parade in the front window of Flourish and Blotts, which you can damn well bet is the kind of fluff they'll have us read at this damn book club!"
Witnessing this unusual outburst, Ginny silently wondered if perhaps Ron's swearing had rubbed off on Hermione a bit more than they'd all realized. "Good lord, Hermione," Ginny finally interjected. "By the way you're swearing, you'd think Mum had ratted you out to a band of renegade Death Eaters. Just give it a bloody rest! It's a book club for fuck's sake! How bad can it be?"
2. “You’re rich, aren’t you?” Malfoy said baldly. “And you hold a position of some authority in the Ministry.”
Hermione laughed. “All true.”
“Power is … attractive, Miss Granger,” Lucius said, dropping his voice to a low purr.
“Are you coming on to me, Mr. Malfoy?”
“I’d like to offer you the opportunity to attend one of my soirees,” he replied. “You’ll find it fascinating.”
“And how much would it cost me to attend?” Hermione asked.
“Why don’t we have dinner tonight and discuss the particulars?” Lucius invited.
Hermione bit her lip.
“Really, Miss Granger … Hermione … it’s only dinner.”
3. "My dear Miss Granger, I am afraid that you won't be going anywhere." The words and his tone of voice sent shivers down her spine and a cold knot formed in her stomach. However, like a true Gryffindor, she lifted her chin and turned to face him, careful to keep her eyes slightly out of focus.
"I beg your pardon?" She began in her iciest tone. "Do you intend to hold me hostage?"
The corner of his lip twitched at her rebellion and she thought she detected a sparkle in his eyes. "Nothing of the sort, Miss Granger. You see these aren't my rooms and there is no door - and no other way out. That is, unless perchance you have your wand?" Hermione reached into her pocket and felt…nothing.
"My wand! It's gone!" Snape nodded.
"I am as much a …hostage…as you are." The colour drained from Hermione's face. A quick glance told her that Snape's initial assessment was correct. The only door led to a bath, that, from the little Hermione could see, was even more Spartan than the room she was in. The fireplace made up part of a partition that separated the sitting area from the sleeping area, which housed a rather large four poster bed.
"So we…we're stuck here?"
"I'm afraid so, Miss Granger." He suddenly sounded very tired.
Hermione closed her eyes and collapsed into the hard wooden chair across the table from Snape, silently cursing Peeves for his particularly foul sense of humour.
4. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Dorothy and Benjamin Grey have told me a lot about you,” he was saying, but her mind had stuttered to a stop at the familiar drawl, ice running through her veins when he uttered a name so similar to her own.
She glanced at his hand - long and thin, like a spider, with lots of scars on his fingers - and back at his face. Her hand clenched around his suddenly, and the butterflies in her stomach seemed to explode. “You’re alive,” she whispered.
He blanched under his tan, black eyes wide for a second. The furious scowl he favoured her with a moment later confirmed his identity, and Severus Snape looked no less intimidating in a charcoal suit and red tie than he ever had in his frock coat and teaching robes. “Granger.”
“Erm,” she so eloquently said, trying to sort out the relief, terror, sorrow, and exuberance that thrilled in her breast, but she was cut short when he walked out.
5. When she’d read the note in her flat earlier the name had been blank, as apparently Ginny hadn’t trusted her not to show up for the date. Which, after reading the all-elusive name, she likely wouldn't have. Hermione groaned. “I'm here to meet Percy Weasley.”
Snape had always been able to spot the slightest sign of wrongdoing in his classes; he didn't miss anything, and the faintly malicious glint in his eyes made Hermione think that he had worked out exactly what her situation was. If it wasn't bad enough being sent on a blind date with Percy Weasley - and what was Ginny thinking of to match her with that pompous windbag? - now she was having to conduct this entire mess under the beady eyes of her ex-Professor.
It really couldn't get any worse, not even if Voldemort was brought back from the grave to wait on the tables. In fact, she'd rather welcome that because it would give her an excuse to leave.
“If you will follow me, Madam,” Snape said, laying an unpleasant emphasis on the title, in a way that brought to mind old maids and vestal virgins. “I will show you to your table. Mr Weasley is yet to arrive. Perhaps Madam would like a drink while she is waiting?”
“Madam would,” she replied shortly.
6. “Nothing at all. Professor Snape has just been kind enough to allow me to use his bathroom so I can get some peace and quiet, that’s all. ”
McGonagall’s face softened. “Goodness me, Hermione, I know you haven’t been doing anything! You’re not in trouble in anyway. I know Professor Snape would not take advantage of a student in his care.”
Hermione relaxed back into the bath.
“Which is really rather the point, I suppose. You’ll have to make the first move, you know. He won’t.”
Hermione stared at her in shock. “Pardon?”
“If you want Severus, you will have to make the first move. Really, dear, for a bright girl sometimes you are slow on the uptake.”
“But… but…” Fleetingly Hermione wondered if someone was using Polyjuice to impersonate the Headmistress, the conversation was so bizarre. “He’s my teacher…”
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
7. They both jumped up from the ground at the sound of someone crushing through the leaves. Severus pushed Hermione behind him, in an effort to shield her from an attack. Hermione scrambled to grab at their clothing. She pulled her shirt on and threw Severus his trousers. They dressed as quickly as possible. From the thick growth of trees, two figures emerged.
“Potter!” Snape spat, taking a menacing step towards the shorter man. Hermione placed a restraining hand on his arm.
“Now, Severus,” Draco cautioned stepping into the light.
“Malfoy!” Hermione growled, narrowing her eyes.
“You’re not going to hit me again, are you?” Draco asked, hiding half-way behind Harry.
“You hit him?” Severus asked, placing his hand on top of hers.
“Once.” She gave him a chagrin look. “I was only fourteen at the time,” she admitted sheepishly.
8. After quite a bit of arguing back and forth, the criteria he finally agreed to were as follows:
Female (“That should put an end to at least some of the speculation,” he growled)
Witch (“That’s right, a witch, not a vampire. That should kill most of the remaining rumours”)
Between 25 and 50 years of age (He had the good sense to at least look at the witches apologetically at this)
Photo Included (His opinion of Poppy rose several notches when he learned that this had been her idea.)
Single (He shuddered to think that this was not a given.)
No children (He shuddered to think about this in general.)
Living alone (“There’s no need for parental or co-habitor interrogation.”)
Employed and happy about it (“Whiners are not attractive, nor do I wish to be viewed as a winning lottery ticket.”)
University educated (He hoped this was obvious. It was.)
After reviewing his list, Minerva added the following:
Reasonably attractive (He mightn’t be classically handsome but he wasn’t unattractive by any means.)
Living in England (No one needed long-distance complications, thank you very much.)
English-speaking (She knew he was conversant in Italian and French, but that was just too much to deal with)
No glamour charm used in the required photo (Thank heavens for spell-revealing charms!)
If any of the ladies had imagined the volume of responses the personal ad would generate, they would probably have never gone through with their scheme. Either the number of eligible wizards was far fewer than they imagined or the wizards who were available were particularly unappealing. They’d expected maybe twenty to thirty replies; by the end of the first two weeks, they’d received 213.
9. “Lucius. I should have known.” Severus crossed to the window and pointed his wand directly at his old friend, who winced slightly and put his hands up in surrender. Slightly foppish and self-absorbed he might be, but Lucius knew exactly when he had lost-and how to stay alive in such circumstances. “Come out here. Now.”
The blonde man nodded and, still keeping his hands in plain sight, stood, spun, and vanished with a hollow pop, to reappear just inside the door of the ersatz bedroom.
A door which he was promptly slammed against by Hermione throwing herself at him and jamming her wand under his chin.
“It was you!” she screeched, grabbing his collar and yanking him down to her level. “It is your fucking doing that forced me to go on five dates with Percy Weasley! Do you know what that’s like, you smarmy, conniving bastard?”
“I’m terribly sorry about that, Miss Granger,” he said, voice only shaking a little in the face of her ire, “but really, it was the only way to ever get you and Severus to realize what was there--”
“And for you to fulfill your little voyeuristic kink.” Severus crossed his arms and stared at the other man, several options of action running through his head. On the one hand, he was very angry with Lucius for daring to interfere in their lives in such a drastic manner; he would see that the man got what was coming to him.
10. “…Do you know who kidnaffed me?”
“No.” Memory spilled through his aching brain, and he groaned, bowing his whole body in horror. Remembering. “Oh, god…I said I wanted to tie you to my bed and fuck you silly, last night-my buggering godson must’ve taken me seriously! Not that I was kidding, because I really do-oh, shite-”
He broke off, wishing lightning was capable of striking his quarters through several floors of solid castle overhead, hidden as they were through a secret entrance in his dungeon-level office, which was tucked next to his dungeon-level classroom. A hidden entrance he rued the day he’d ever showed the prat now drooling on his sofa, out in the other room. A hidden entrance he’d kick the platinum wanker out through, as soon as he got this little disaster-sorry, this HUGE fucking disaster-solved. Somehow. Unfortunately, he had no idea how.
Naked naked naked naked…
“…Unfie fee-fow!” the naked naked naked naked woman tied sexily to his bed growled unsexily.