10_letters: 028. Family. [locked to changing_teddy]
Note left in the room of Teddy Remus Lupin.
Teddy,
Since our conversations keep ending short, my hope is that I can somehow reach you this way. I know that perhaps I keep failing to try and talk about how I feel, even if I do my best attempts to do so with you, so I hope this way I can finally find the words that I can't say. Not because I don't mean or feel them, but because in general it is hard for me to talk about how I feel.
With that said... I will start from the very beginning. This letter, in many ways, started out when I first knew of you and feared I would not be there watching you grow, so I hope you do not simply ignore it. Please don't ignore it.
From the very beginning, from before you were born and back to the day when we first found out you existed, you were very loved. Your mother glowed in a way that I had never seen her do. She was just so thrilled that our love had been able to create a little life; she was so happy that you existed and were growing inside her.
I don't know how much people have told you about this, but if there is anyone this should come from it should be from me. So... While I loved you with all my heart, the guilt I felt about the possibility of passing on to you my...condition didn't let me enjoy the news. I was terrified that I would be the reason why my child would suffer painful transformations every month, and that he would suffer the same life I led. And if you didn't inherit the condition, I knew your life would be difficult because I was your father. Time for werewolves were even more difficult than what you've experienced so far, and I hated myself for allowing myself an opportunity to have a family. I was not supposed to have a wife or a family, you see. I had convinced myself of it long ago (and there are plenty of people who can verify this if you do not believe me), so suddenly finding myself with a wife and a child left me out of sorts.
The reason I know why running away is not a solution is because that is what I did. I am not proud of it by any means, and there are no apologies enough in the world that can take away the guilt I still feel, but I walked out on your mother while she was pregnant. I did it thinking it was for the best, and that she would be safe (and happy, because I firmly believed and sometimes I still do that she deserved someone better. Someone that could give her everything I could never, and can never, give her when she deserves the world). I was, obviously, wrong and I should not have left. Although I did it with the best intentions, it was not right and I hurt her so much. Sometimes I still wonder how your grandparents can even stand to have me in the same room when I hurt their daughter so much with that action.
When I went back I made a promise to your mother, and to you even if you were not born yet, that I would never leave you again. And that I would love you both as much as you deserved because, even if I could not (and still cannot) give you an easy life, there was no one in the world that could love either one of you as much as I do.
You being born... That was easily the happiest day of my life. You were this tiny little bundle, so full of life and so perfect that I fell in love with you even more than what I already was. We both did. The second we saw you - the second we heard your voice... You gave me a hope that I had never felt before. A hope that this world was suddenly so much better, so much brighter simply because you existed. A hope that one day the war would be over and we could take you to the park, on holidays, plan your birthday parties, seeing you off to Hogwarts...
I never expected things to end how they did. I never wanted that, and you can be sure your mother didn't either. Before leaving I even made a promise to you, that I would be back and told you you could keep me up the rest of the week if you wanted to (you had been having trouble sleeping the previous few days).
If you want to blame someone for what happened, blame me. Yell at me. Get angry at me, because I could not stay away from that battle. And Dora went after me, trying to help me, when Bellatrix saw her. It was and still is MY fault. No one else's. And I know... I know you probably still think that we were just 'playing heroes' that night, but we weren't. We were just two parents, wanting to make the world safer for their child. We wanted you to have the world, Teddy, but a world where you could grow without fear and without fearing attacks in the middle of the night.
You're right when you say that you are not the son we expected to find once back, but only because I expected to come back and find a baby still. Someone who couldn't sleep through the night at times if they weren't being held and rocked from one end of the room to the other. That is the only way that you are not how I expected. I don't know if you remember, but you were the first person I saw when I got back and you were...everything I ever dreamed you were going to be. You hadn't had an easy life because of what I was, and I hated that, but you seemed well adjusted. You had a family that loved you, because I know your grandmother and Harry adore you just how I always knew they would, and I was just...so immensely proud.
I am still proud. You are still my world. And you are still my son. Our son. You are the son of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin, and we love you in such a way that we never can nor want to imagine the world without you anymore. You are a part of us, and one of which that no one can ever erase or take away. We know you are not the baby we left nineteen years ago. We are aware of this, but in many ways you will always be our little boy. We will always love you. We will always try to protect you, and we will always try to make the world better for you because you deserve only the best. You deserve every happiness, every opportunity that is available to you.
Simply put, you deserve the world.
Life has been difficult lately, for all of us, and you don't know how much I hate that you had to suffer the way you did. When you were missing... Merlin, Teddy, I think the only reason your mother and I didn't fall apart is because we were just waiting for you to get back. We wanted to make sure you got back, and that we could take care of you and protect you. Or try to, anyway. It is a Hell that I wish you never, ever, have to experience; knowing there is nothing you can do when your child is getting hurt is not something I would ever wish on even my worst enemies.
I want you to know that... Nineteen years passed, but I would rather have this - a chance to know you and watch you grow from now on - than to have the alternative and miss your whole life. Nineteen years may have passed, and many things might have changed, but the way we feel about you has not and will never change. If you don't think we know how to be parents it's because...well, we don't. We never got to learn, and we have been doing our best to do so even if you may not think so. If you think you have high expectations to meet...you don't. At least not with us because all you have to do is exist and give us a chance at being your parents. Give us a chance to let you know we love you. Give us a chance to let you know you are so perfect to us. The ones that have expectations to meet are us, because you grew with stories about your parents - about us - that let you know what to expect. And...well, we keep feeling like we're falling short every single time, and it is obvious you think the same way.
We want to be your parents, Teddy. We want to be your family. We LOVE YOU even if we cannot be with you every minute of every day. You may not believe it and you may not see it, but it does not change the fact that the offer is still there. And you may ignore and try to push us away, but it does not change the fact that we are here. Both of us are right here, ready to love you as soon as you give us a chance. And I mean a real chance, especially now that the war is over and done with. But you need to help us, because we cannot figure this "job" out on our own. We need that chance from you.
Enclosed I am giving you a copy of my favourite picture of both of us. You were a month old; it was after my first transformation since you were born, and we just lounged around for a few hours while I tried to go back to normal. The reason it's my favourite... It was taken the day I was absolutely sure you were not a werewolf. You were not like me in that sense, and I couldn't have been happier about that because you don't deserve that type of pain. You don't deserve any pain. I just wish we knew a way to take away everything else that could possibly hurt you.
I love you, Teddy. We love you, with all our hearts. Please...always, always keep that in mind.
Always,
your father.
Teddy,
Since our conversations keep ending short, my hope is that I can somehow reach you this way. I know that perhaps I keep failing to try and talk about how I feel, even if I do my best attempts to do so with you, so I hope this way I can finally find the words that I can't say. Not because I don't mean or feel them, but because in general it is hard for me to talk about how I feel.
With that said... I will start from the very beginning. This letter, in many ways, started out when I first knew of you and feared I would not be there watching you grow, so I hope you do not simply ignore it. Please don't ignore it.
From the very beginning, from before you were born and back to the day when we first found out you existed, you were very loved. Your mother glowed in a way that I had never seen her do. She was just so thrilled that our love had been able to create a little life; she was so happy that you existed and were growing inside her.
I don't know how much people have told you about this, but if there is anyone this should come from it should be from me. So... While I loved you with all my heart, the guilt I felt about the possibility of passing on to you my...condition didn't let me enjoy the news. I was terrified that I would be the reason why my child would suffer painful transformations every month, and that he would suffer the same life I led. And if you didn't inherit the condition, I knew your life would be difficult because I was your father. Time for werewolves were even more difficult than what you've experienced so far, and I hated myself for allowing myself an opportunity to have a family. I was not supposed to have a wife or a family, you see. I had convinced myself of it long ago (and there are plenty of people who can verify this if you do not believe me), so suddenly finding myself with a wife and a child left me out of sorts.
The reason I know why running away is not a solution is because that is what I did. I am not proud of it by any means, and there are no apologies enough in the world that can take away the guilt I still feel, but I walked out on your mother while she was pregnant. I did it thinking it was for the best, and that she would be safe (and happy, because I firmly believed and sometimes I still do that she deserved someone better. Someone that could give her everything I could never, and can never, give her when she deserves the world). I was, obviously, wrong and I should not have left. Although I did it with the best intentions, it was not right and I hurt her so much. Sometimes I still wonder how your grandparents can even stand to have me in the same room when I hurt their daughter so much with that action.
When I went back I made a promise to your mother, and to you even if you were not born yet, that I would never leave you again. And that I would love you both as much as you deserved because, even if I could not (and still cannot) give you an easy life, there was no one in the world that could love either one of you as much as I do.
You being born... That was easily the happiest day of my life. You were this tiny little bundle, so full of life and so perfect that I fell in love with you even more than what I already was. We both did. The second we saw you - the second we heard your voice... You gave me a hope that I had never felt before. A hope that this world was suddenly so much better, so much brighter simply because you existed. A hope that one day the war would be over and we could take you to the park, on holidays, plan your birthday parties, seeing you off to Hogwarts...
I never expected things to end how they did. I never wanted that, and you can be sure your mother didn't either. Before leaving I even made a promise to you, that I would be back and told you you could keep me up the rest of the week if you wanted to (you had been having trouble sleeping the previous few days).
If you want to blame someone for what happened, blame me. Yell at me. Get angry at me, because I could not stay away from that battle. And Dora went after me, trying to help me, when Bellatrix saw her. It was and still is MY fault. No one else's. And I know... I know you probably still think that we were just 'playing heroes' that night, but we weren't. We were just two parents, wanting to make the world safer for their child. We wanted you to have the world, Teddy, but a world where you could grow without fear and without fearing attacks in the middle of the night.
You're right when you say that you are not the son we expected to find once back, but only because I expected to come back and find a baby still. Someone who couldn't sleep through the night at times if they weren't being held and rocked from one end of the room to the other. That is the only way that you are not how I expected. I don't know if you remember, but you were the first person I saw when I got back and you were...everything I ever dreamed you were going to be. You hadn't had an easy life because of what I was, and I hated that, but you seemed well adjusted. You had a family that loved you, because I know your grandmother and Harry adore you just how I always knew they would, and I was just...so immensely proud.
I am still proud. You are still my world. And you are still my son. Our son. You are the son of Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin, and we love you in such a way that we never can nor want to imagine the world without you anymore. You are a part of us, and one of which that no one can ever erase or take away. We know you are not the baby we left nineteen years ago. We are aware of this, but in many ways you will always be our little boy. We will always love you. We will always try to protect you, and we will always try to make the world better for you because you deserve only the best. You deserve every happiness, every opportunity that is available to you.
Simply put, you deserve the world.
Life has been difficult lately, for all of us, and you don't know how much I hate that you had to suffer the way you did. When you were missing... Merlin, Teddy, I think the only reason your mother and I didn't fall apart is because we were just waiting for you to get back. We wanted to make sure you got back, and that we could take care of you and protect you. Or try to, anyway. It is a Hell that I wish you never, ever, have to experience; knowing there is nothing you can do when your child is getting hurt is not something I would ever wish on even my worst enemies.
I want you to know that... Nineteen years passed, but I would rather have this - a chance to know you and watch you grow from now on - than to have the alternative and miss your whole life. Nineteen years may have passed, and many things might have changed, but the way we feel about you has not and will never change. If you don't think we know how to be parents it's because...well, we don't. We never got to learn, and we have been doing our best to do so even if you may not think so. If you think you have high expectations to meet...you don't. At least not with us because all you have to do is exist and give us a chance at being your parents. Give us a chance to let you know we love you. Give us a chance to let you know you are so perfect to us. The ones that have expectations to meet are us, because you grew with stories about your parents - about us - that let you know what to expect. And...well, we keep feeling like we're falling short every single time, and it is obvious you think the same way.
We want to be your parents, Teddy. We want to be your family. We LOVE YOU even if we cannot be with you every minute of every day. You may not believe it and you may not see it, but it does not change the fact that the offer is still there. And you may ignore and try to push us away, but it does not change the fact that we are here. Both of us are right here, ready to love you as soon as you give us a chance. And I mean a real chance, especially now that the war is over and done with. But you need to help us, because we cannot figure this "job" out on our own. We need that chance from you.
Enclosed I am giving you a copy of my favourite picture of both of us. You were a month old; it was after my first transformation since you were born, and we just lounged around for a few hours while I tried to go back to normal. The reason it's my favourite... It was taken the day I was absolutely sure you were not a werewolf. You were not like me in that sense, and I couldn't have been happier about that because you don't deserve that type of pain. You don't deserve any pain. I just wish we knew a way to take away everything else that could possibly hurt you.
I love you, Teddy. We love you, with all our hearts. Please...always, always keep that in mind.
Always,
your father.