Pie in the Sky
Title: Pie in the Sky
Genre: Satire, Humor
Length: 12,725 words
Rating: R for explanation of reproduction
Disclaimer: None of this happened. I really shouldn't have to explain that in this case. :P
All of Aiba's textbook references of the birds and the bees came straight from wikipedia. I realize it's not the best source for any subject of study, but I figured they at least had it together enough to explain this.
Props to the best beta ever, eva_lee , for putting up with my nonsense and forgetfulness.
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Pie in the Sky
or a carefully-planned response to mpreg
01.
It happens sort of fast - in the span of a single day. Aiba faints on set and when he wakes up, he's in the hospital with an IV needle prodding the largest vein in his arm. It doesn't bother him though; he'd gotten quite used to hospitals years ago, when his lung collapsed and he was left feeling little more than a burden to everyone. That, of course, is something he could do without: the endless feeling of having to depend on others and not the other way around.
He lifts up his shirt (someone had put him back in his street clothes) and frantically looks around for a sign of bandaging or stitches and hopes, ne prays, to whatever powers be at work, that something just as bad has not happened. There is no gauze, no tape, no liquid stitching material - only the single IV drip amidst the sounds of silence. Aiba doesn't do silence well, so the noise is replaced by an off-key rendition of “Lotus” in his own tired voice. He taps his fingers against the railing, rattled by the quiet and the unknowing and the lack of human contact.
He wonders where his cell phone is - and if he should call either Sho or Matsujun, but the handheld is nowhere to be seen. He's hesitant to get up; the fear of being yelled at by a nurse weighing heavily on his mind. They were scary people, hospital nurses.
His tummy feels funny, as though he'd eaten too much that morning, even though in reality he'd barely been able to keep anything down. He'd thrown up backstage - once, twice, - but there was no accompanying fever, no stuffy nose, no sore throat. “Maybe it was food poisoning?” he asks himself quietly, disrupting the tune mid-chorus.
The quiet sets in again, but Aiba doesn't have to worry about it too long, as the door slides open and in walks the doctor, followed closely by Sho and Ohno. “Aiba-san, how are you feeling?” the doctor asks in an abnormally deep voice and Aiba wonders if the disinterest in his tone is a good sign. He can't keep still much longer, even if the pounding in his head is echoed by the gurgling of his stomach. He feels the urge to vomit again, but nothing comes up.
“I feel sick,” he whines, more to Sho than to the sensei. His voice sounds reminiscent of the many times he'd been sick as a child and cried to his mother. He can feel his chin quivering as a million bad thoughts and worries fly through, tempting him to believe the worst before he even knows what is going on. He will not, can not turn into the deadweight of the group again. Once was already enough.
“Well, I should certainly think you would,” the doctor replies mysteriously, going over the chart in his hands. He flips page after page, hemming and hawing over each one, until Aiba feels like uncharacteristically ripping the chart from his hands. Aiba knows it's strange, but he doesn't care. He simply wants to be in the loop. “This is certainly unusual,” the doctor continues. “Certainly unusual.”
“Is it that bad, doctor?” Sho asks from behind. Ohno simply watches on with glazed eyes and a somber expression.
“Aiba-san, I need to ask you a few questions,” the doctor finally says. Aiba nods frantically; he's willing to answer anything and everything if only so they can get to the conclusion.
“How have you been feeling lately?” the doctor asks. “Not just today, but every day for the past few weeks?”
Aiba thinks back. “I've been feeling kinda queasy lately. I can't seem to keep anything down... but that's it. No fever, no cough, no allergies. It's just kind of nauseous-”
“Nauseating,” Sho corrects.
Aiba nods. “Nauseating. I thought maybe it was just food poisoning.”
The doctor hums a little more to himself, nodding where appropriate, and keeps flitting his eyes over the chart, like he's watching a gnat fly in front of his face. Aiba wants to be brave enough to smack him across the back of the head, but knows he'd probably end up on the receiving end of a lecture from Sho. He nods instead, clutching the cotton-woven blanket with his hands until the soft white colour matches his rapidly paling fists.
“Aiba-san,” says the doctor and Aiba is sure this time he's finally going to explain. “I have a few private questions to ask you. So if you'd like your friends to step outside-”
“No, it's okay,” Aiba concludes quickly. There's nothing he would be too embarrassed to say in front of Sho and Ohno. Nino, possibly, but never Sho and Ohno. They'd seen each other at their worst - past their worst - on several occasions. There was nothing he'd be ashamed of them knowing.
The doctor interrupts Aiba's thoughts. “Are you sexually active?”
“Eh?” Clearly he hadn't expected that. Aiba shakes his head to clear his thoughts and only then realizes what the gesture actually means. “Ah. I mean... yes.”
“When's the last time you had intercourse?”
“I... I don't keep up with it!” Aiba exclaims, his cheeks heated in a blush even though he'd promised himself there was nothing too be embarrassed about in front of the older brother pair. He feels as though he's on trial and the doctor is questioning the validity of his answer. “I guess, a week ago?” Aiba mumbles, looking down. He wonders why he's even letting it get to him; normally he'd have no problem making perverted comments on the subject - but there's something about lying in a hospital bed that makes everything a little too serious.
“And before that?”
“A few weeks before that?” He runs a hand through his hair and looks up to see his groupmates hiding smiles behind their hands. “Like you two are getting laid any more than that!” he gripes, even though they probably are. Sho's in an on-again, off-again relationship with some obscure actress and Ohno frequents the dance clubs so much that he's almost guaranteed to go home with someone every night if he really wants to.
“I see,” says the doctor and Aiba has to fight the urge to smack him again. He doesn't stop to think where this sudden swell in irritation has come from, but he does vaguely wonder if it's how Matsujun feels all the time.
“What do you see?” Aiba asks in a rush. His head feels like the backbeat to A.Ra.Shi is on repeat at an ungodly volume. “I haven't contracted some sort of STD, have I?”
“No, no. Nothing like that.” The doctor laughs.
“Then what's with the questions?” Sho interrupts, looking on with a flustered expression, though he was laughing not two seconds before. Aiba supposes he can forgive as long as they're just as worried as he is.
“I was just double-checking the results of the blood test.” Sensei flips the chart closed and holds it tightly to his chest. Aiba (again) wants to rip it from his grasp, but his thoughts settle on two distinct words from the sentence.
“Blood test?” Aiba mumbles with worried eyes. He looks down to the arm opposite the IV and sees where a cotton ball has been taped to the inside of his elbow. It's old and he can see where the blood that's seeped through has turned a dark brown.
“It was done while you were sleeping.”
“And what were the results?” Sho asked.
The doctor held out a long arm in Aiba's direction, signaling for a handshake. “Congratulations Aiba-san. You're pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” The room stills in surprise.
02.
“You don't understand, Sho-chan,” Aiba argues for the umpteenth time in the span of an hour. It's kinda funny, he thinks; Sho is the last person he'd ever thought he would say those specific words to. Sho always knows anything and everything, even if he tends to mess it all up from time to time.
“What's there to understand, Aiba-chan?” Sho says worriedly. “You weren't careful. You didn't use protection. You got knocked up.” He runs a hand through his hair as he paces in front of Aiba's bed. “Just wait until Matsumoto-kun finds out. You'll really hear it then.”
Somehow Aiba doesn't think Matsujun is nearly that stupid.
The doctor is gone; he'd left half an hour before with the excuse of more pregnant males to inform. It was becoming an epidemic. Aiba wanted to ask for an explanation, still wants an explanation, but somehow the sensei manages to dart out amidst complaints of “How?” and “I don't even have those parts!”
Sho is still pacing frantically, the soles of his slippers making whining noises against the white tile below. The movement makes Aiba nervous. “Sho-chan!” Aiba shouts. “I'm a boy. Boys don't have vaginas. Boys can't get pregnant. We learned that in middle school, didn't we?”
Sho pauses mid-step to fix Aiba with a thoroughly incredulous look. “You're in denial,” he says. “Masaki, you're pregnant. This is a very serious problem. We need to think of a solution that's best for the group.”
Aiba wants to say that there is no problem because he most assuredly is not pregnant.
He never gets the chance.
“I suppose it could always be used as a publicity thing...” Sho mutters to himself. “Though we don't know who the father is. It's going to be a pain explaining this to the managers... if all else fails, there's always that, I guess.”
“Always what?” Aiba wonders aloud. “And I'm not pregnant.”
“You know...” Sho stops mid-thought, as though it's not something he really wants to say out loud “...adoption.” Suddenly Aiba is getting a slightly sadistic pleasure from watching Sho squirm over something impossible to begin with. He considers it punishment for this overly elaborate ruse.
A thought hits Aiba and his eyes light up as a smile forms over his lips for the very first time since filming earlier. “Alright,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest in a certainly humored manner. “Where's Nino? Is he outside the door? I mean it's been a while since we've done a Ni-no-Arashi, hasn't it? Someone could have at least offered me an A no Arashi to go along with it!”
Ohno and Sho look to each other with unreadable expressions.
“Nino!” Aiba calls out loudly. His eyes fly to the sliding door at the opposite end of the room, waiting for the sounds of movement outside, waiting for Nino to enter with Matsujun. The entrance never opens and Nino never comes in. “I understand. You're not done with the joke yet, are you? Is this going to be the longest running trick ever or something?”
“Aiba-chan,” Leader says calmly, slowly. He leans forward from where his hand is wrapped around the metal handrail and places his free palm face down on Aiba's blanket-covered abdomen. “It's not a joke. There's something magical in here. There's a baby inside of you, Aiba-chan. You should treasure it.”
Aiba stares in unhinged bewilderment until he's sure he's focused so much on Ohno that his eyes are crossed. His mouth hangs open and for the longest time, he isn't sure if he's capable of producing words at all. “Leader,” he says, his voice rising in pitch and volume with every word, “I am not pregnant!”
Ohno and Sho share yet another look of clear uncertainty. “Denial,” they chorus together.
03.
Aiba has it all set up before they even arrive. He's been working on it for a week since he was released from the hospital and the agency insisted he take time off to regain his strength. He doesn't know why everyone is dancing around him so lightly, why everyone is acting as though he's something fragile. So today he's insistent that he get to the bottom of it all. And though they don't make it a point to delve into each other's personal lives, he figures the best place to start is with Arashi.
He's worked hard for this moment. There's rolls of white newsprint paper laid out across the floor of his apartment, lined with the thick smell of permanent markers in varying colors and widths. It's the same paper he used to design Aiba suguroku way back in the day. It feels so long ago.
He's standing proudly over his artistic genius when he hears a series of knocks at the door. Aiba nearly trips over the textbook he'd bought earlier that day as he fumbles to reach the door in a timely manner. He trips down the step to the genkan and smacks his forehead on the door before opening it, leaving a red mark that is barely covered by his hairline.
“Hey everyone,” he says as he opens the door. There are four pairs of eyes watching him fastidiously on the other side and he has to fight the urge to bring up the argument all over again. There isn't time for that though; he's a man on a mission. “Before I let you in,” he starts, holding the door in place though Nino is pushing against it, “you have to promise me something.”
“It's freaking cold out here, idiot,” Nino snaps immediately as he wraps his arms around himself, still pushing against the door.
“You don't need to be out here, Aiba-kun,” Matsujun says. “What if you get sick? Think of the baby.”
“I'm going to let you in,” Aiba says with all the patience he can muster, which for himself is a miracle, “but you have to really, really promise not to say anything. I have something to show you and I want you to listen to my explanation before you make any comments, okay?”
“We can do that, Aiba-chan,” Leader says with a smile before anyone can get a word in.
Aiba is thankful.
He opens the door as wide as it will go and one by one the other members file into the genkan, each slipping their shoes off and haphazardly tossing them to the side. They pad into the living room together, some in slippers and some in socks, because it's Aiba's place and there really is no need for formalities.
There was probably no reason for Aiba to worry about their comments as they come to a standstill in front of the newsprint, their eyes wider than words can describe. Aiba stares at them in confusion; surely they've seen such pictures before; Aiba himself remembers looking them up in the encyclopedia at school and giggling with his friends in the back section of the library.
“Aiba-chan...” Sho says aloud, their rule about commenting forgotten. “Tell me you're not trying to draw the world's largest porn manga again.”
“I'm not,” Aiba replies with a hint of sadness in his voice. That venture had been a lost cause. “Though I still argue that life-sized porn is the way to go.”
“Then what is this?”
“This!” Aiba says and he plucks up a metal pointer from the table beside them. “Is the human reproductive system. This,” he points at the first image, “is the male system. And this,” he points at the second, “is the female system. Does anyone care to list the differences?”
Nobody speaks, so Aiba takes it upon himself to continue. “Let's start with the female system.” He kneels down to pick up the textbook he'd tripped over and flips through the pages until he lands on the right one.
“The female reproductive system (or female genital system) contains two main parts: the uterus, which hosts the developing fetus, produces vaginal and uterine secretions, and passes the anatomically male person's sperm through to the fallopian tubes; and the ovaries, which produce the anatomically female person's egg cells. If, in this transit, it meets with sperm, the sperm penetrate and merge with the egg, fertilizing it. The fertilization usually occurs in the oviducts, but can happen in the uterus itself. The zygote then implants itself in the wall of the uterus, where it begins the processes of embryogenesis and morphogenesis. When developed enough to survive outside the womb, the cervix dilates and contractions of the uterus propel the fetus through the birth canal, which is the vagina.”
Aiba admits he'd had a hard enough time reading through that the first time and understanding any of it, but he likes to give the other boys a bit more credit. “So this means that eggs are stored and fertilized in the female system, where they undergo a series of changes from fertilized egg to fully-formed baby, when it is expelled through the vagina,” he says, using his hands to elaborate as he mimics an explosion between his legs.
The other boys continue to stare, dumbfounded.
“Right. Let's move on to the male system,” Aiba continues as he flips over a few more pages.
“The human male reproductive system (or male genital system) consists of a number of sex organs that are a part of the human reproductive process. In this type of reproductive system, these sex organs are located outside the body, around the pelvic region. The main anatomically male sex organs are the penis and the testes which produce semen and sperm, which as part of sexual intercourse fertilize an ovum in an anatomically female person's body and the fertilized ovum (zygote) gradually develops into a fetus, which is later born as a child.”
The male system sounds a bit more simple, and the female a bit more complicated, which is ironic to Aiba, since women tend to be complicated people anyway. “So, from this we learn that there is no place in the male reproductive system to house eggs or babies,” he says as slowly as he can. “What does that tell you?”
The others look up to Aiba as if they've only just noticed he was in the same room.
“It means that men can't have babies!” Aiba nearly snaps.
“Aiba-chan,” Matsujun says quietly, his eyes trailing over the images as though he's deep in thought. For a moment Aiba hopes he's taking it in, digesting everything Aiba just explained. Matsujun has always been smart like that. “Have you been sniffing permanent markers again?”
“Yup,” Nino says as he picks up an extra wide sharpie from the floor. “You know these fumes aren't good for the baby.”
Aiba deflates immediately.
04.
Aiba is in the bathroom when Matsujun comes over a month later to check on him at the insistence of the younger man. Aiba is adamant that he doesn't need looking after, since there is nothing wrong with him, but he welcomes the company anyway. He drops a glob of toothpaste on the front of his shirt as sounds of knocking come from the front door, and he tries to wipe it off as cleanly as possible, but the remnants remain.
He goes to the door and throws it open to make way for Matsujun and the million shopping bags he has laced onto each arm. Jun has to turn sideways to fit through the door and Aiba silently wonders if he's brought any food along. He's been having an unnatural craving for fried chicken dipped in cheese sauce and no matter how much he eats it, the want never goes away.
He's simply thankful he can keep food down again.
“Isn't it a bit early for you to start lactating? You're only in your second month,” Jun says as he eyes the stains on the front of Aiba's shirt. “It's all here in the book I was reading. Usually people don't start lactating until the twenty-fourth week of pregnancy, and that's a ways off.”
Aiba wants to argue that only women lactate during pregnancy, because only women get pregnant. “It's toothpaste,” he mumbles instead. “It dropped on me when I was brushing my teeth.”
Jun hums a simple response and nods as he sets the bags down in front of the overly large, comfy couch in Aiba's living room. “I bought some things,” he says as he starts digging through the largest one. He pulls out a gender-neutral baby outfit and Aiba's first instinct is to run and snatch it and proclaim how very cute it is. He holds back though, because that would simply be feeding the proverbial troll.
He's so very tired of it all. He has pleaded and argued and explained almost continuously from the moment they release him from the hospital and onward. Each time he's met with resistance and blank stares, as though he's the one who has lost his mind and not the other way around. Even the agency - even Johnny himself - seems to be in on the joke and the entire thing makes Aiba feel like someone else completely.
The only thing that keeps him going is the attention rained down on him by the other members. He welcomes their constant presence, though it's highly unwarranted.
“It's not much,” Jun continues, though in reality it's far too much. Aiba is jolted from his thoughts and he looks to see a mountain of baby toys and clothes and much more than any expecting mother could hope for. “I thought you might want to start thinking about these things. There are books as well - on pregnancy and childbirth and even a few full of names.”
“Any that you like, Matsujun?” Aiba decides to play along with a brilliant smile. There's not much more he can do anyway. He kneels down beside Jun and starts picking through the unisex items, wondering just how disappointed Jun is going to be when he realizes that Aiba is, in fact, not pregnant.
Aiba is sure Jun will make a wonderful parent someday.
“Names?” Jun says as he takes to folding each individual garment into precise little squares. “Let's see... there's Junichi, Junnosuke, Juntaro,” he pauses in thought, “Junko if it's a girl.”
Aiba laughs loudly. It feels as though he hasn't done so in a very long time. “Matsujun!” he bats at Jun's arm playfully. “All those names have the character Jun in them.”
Jun laughs in response. “Then I guess we should save those for my offspring, ne? What would be a good name for Aiba-chan's baby?” he taps a finger against his chin in classic thinking pose. “Masako, Masakichi, Masami... or there's always Masamune.”
“Oooooh! Do Sho-chan next, Matsujun!” Aiba bounces in place where he sits next to Jun on the floor, wholly ignoring the stack of miniature clothing that appears beside him. He'd forgotten how completely indulgent Jun could be at times, and the thought warms him until he is hesitant to let go of the moment at all - even if they are talking about nonexistent children.
“For Sho, there would be Shoichi or Shoko, wouldn't there?” says Jun. “And for Nino there would be Kazumi or Kazuki. And for Ohno... I really can't think of any variations on Satoshi.”
“He could always call it Maguro or Katsuo.”
“To name a child after his favorite catch? I suppose that's very Ohno-like.”
Aiba nods. “Wouldn't it be awesome if we all had boys one day? And then they could succeed us as the next generation of Arashi. It'd be a definite first for Johnny's.” He gets so caught up in his own thoughts that he fails to notice the serious shadow that overtakes Jun as the youngest takes out book after book, stacking them neatly next to the edge of the couch. “And they'd cover all our old songs as well. Their first single would be a remix of A.Ra.Shi.”
“Wouldn't that make your son the oldest? Assuming that you have a boy,” Jun says absently. “Somehow that doesn't seem right. I always thought Leader or Sho would be first, you know?”
Aiba laughs again. “Matsujun. Enough already! I'm not pregnant.”
“No. You enough!” Jun says in a blur and suddenly his dark eyes are locked onto Aiba's shaking gaze. Aiba startles; he doesn't think he's ever seen the youngest look so vehement in all the years they've known each other. “We're all trying to be really supportive because you're in a difficult state and Aiba-chan has always been somewhat fragile inside. But you can't keep denying the fact that there is life inside you.” He reaches over to place a flattened palm against Aiba's stomach. “There's a baby in there, Aiba-chan.”
Aiba opens his mouth to retort most emphatically that no-the-hell there is not.
Jun cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “I know you're worried over the fact that your child doesn't have a father... and I'm not going to ask about the circumstances surrounding that. Whether he's left or you don't know who it is - is no issue to me. You just need to realize that you're not alone in this. We're all here to help you.”
Aiba blinks in bemusement. Hypothetically, he thinks, even if he was pregnant, he'd still be the father.
“But if it's really bothering you...” Jun stops and for the longest time, Aiba doesn't think he's going to continue. When he looks up, Jun's gaze has softened visibly and his eyes are shining with unspoken emotion. “If it's really bothering you, I can be the father of your baby. I can take responsibility for you, Aiba-chan.”
“Eh?” Aiba asks and quickly collects himself. “I appreciate the offer Matsujun, but I'm not- there's not- I can't ask that of you,” he finishes lamely.
The sincerity gets to him amidst the ridiculousness of it all.
05.
It's another month down the road when Sho comes storming into his apartment (he has an extra key) shouting about Aiba missing his gynecologist appointment or something else equally as nonsensical. “Have you at least been taking the prenatal vitamins the doctor prescribed you?” Sho asks as he eyes the orange bottle that sits untouched on Aiba's counter-top in the kitchen. The lid is covered in dust and Aiba regrets that he didn't throw it away immediately.
He doesn't say a word as Sho picks up the full bottle and shakes it. The rattling echoes throughout the room.
“There's so much they have to do in order to make sure you and the baby are healthy!” Sho says, his hands up in the air as he paces back and forth in front of the counter. The bottle is still in his hand. “Blood counts and screenings for really important things - diseases and disorders, Masaki! Do you just not care about the well-being of your own child?”
“You've been reading Matsujun's books again, haven't you?” Aiba sighs. “There is no baby, Sho-chan,” he repeats for the thousandth time. “I'm a boy. Boys can't have babies. I don't have a vagina or ovaries or fallopian tubes or any other girly parts. There is no reason for me to see a gyno.”
“You're almost to your second trimester and you're still spouting this nonsense?” Sho stops pacing abruptly, coming face to face with Aiba. His shoulders look like they slope even more as he takes Aiba's wrists in his hands. “What are you so afraid of? That you're alone? Because you're not. We're all here with you.”
Again, Aiba is taken aback by the thoughtfulness of his friends, even if it makes no sense.
“Move in with me,” Sho requests, though there is the underlying tone of a command within. His eyes are soft and shining and Aiba can't look away. “Move in with me and I'll be the father to your child. Let me take care of you, Masaki.”
Aiba is willingly pulled into Sho's open arms. He feels so very warm inside, as though he'd be content to fall asleep and never wake up. He doesn't understand everyone's preoccupation with being his fictional baby's father, but he silently chalks it up to the giving and loving natures of his friends. He decides to play along, if only to keep the moment from being ruined. “How did you know I haven't been going?”
“We all left our numbers with the doctor.” Sho pulls away, but he doesn't let go of his hold on Aiba. “He called us after you missed the last two appointments.”
“So you were worried about me?” Aiba says as he lets loose a small giggle, his smile wide and his eyes crinkling at the sides.
“We're all worried about you,” Sho admits. “And this way we thought we could all watch over you. My place is nearer to the agency, and the others have offered to drop by from time to time as well. So you should move in with me, even if it's only for now.”
“Okay.” Aiba agrees to the move, if only because he knows he'll have to comfort the rest of the group when they finally realize there's no baby. He has no doubt that it's all still a really elaborate prank, but he's starting to doubt that the other members are behind it at all. They're so genuinely looking forward to being part of this made-up child's life that Aiba almost doesn't want to spoil it for them.
Matsujun has brought clothing, Sho has brought food, Ohno has brought a strange device that he later identified as a breast pump “because my mom told me that breastfeeding is healthier for the baby.” Even Nino has been so considerate to bake him a cake, even if all the ingredients came from Aiba's kitchen; “that way it'll be fresher!” he says, but Aiba knows it's because he's stingy. Everyone is so excited over the promise of new life and Aiba doesn't know if he can continue to argue against their good wishes.
The day will come though, when there is no baby, and Arashi will be upset.
Aiba will be there for them as they are there for him now.
06.
Aiba is supposedly at four months, the beginning of his second trimester, when the whole group gathers together once again. They're all sitting on the floor in Sho's living room, though there is a perfectly good couch behind their backs. “It looks so cute,” Ohno coos at the black and white sonogram image he's holding. On it, Aiba's made-up child is no bigger than a walnut and Aiba himself feels very little for the image.
They pass a bottle of red wine back and forth between them, each taking deliberate, congratulatory sips as it comes their way. Aiba pouts when they don't let him have any. “Because pregnant people aren't supposed to drink alcohol,” Sho scolds. They drink straight from the bottle because most of the glasses in Sho's apartment are either broken already (he'd dropped the entire crystalline set his mother bought him as a housewarming gift) or dirty. He's been too busy to wash them, and he won't let Aiba do any chores, though the taller man protests frequently.
“You'll be able to find out gender with the next one, won't you?” Jun asks as the picture comes his way. He smiles warmly and Aiba thinks to himself that it's more the group's fictional baby and less his own.
“If the baby is turned the right way,” Sho answers in place of Aiba. “Personally, I hope it's a boy. It'd be fun taking him to soccer matches.”
“Or baseball games,” Nino challenges.
“But little girls are more fashionable, aren't they?” Jun counters. “It's a lot easier to find nice clothes for baby girls than it is for baby boys. Of course, thinking back through the history of western clothing, they all used to wear dresses, didn't they? If it's a boy, can we still make it wear dresses?”
“No!” both Sho and Nino sound in unison.
Aiba simply watches on where he sits, his left hand intertwined with Ohno's right unconsciously. He can't bring himself to say anything; he's tired of arguing. It's rare though, that all five are able to gather outside of work, and he cherishes the moment enough to let the conversation fly right over his head and out the window. He'll let the other four talk and dream if it allows them all to remain together.
“I'm sure Aiba-chan will be happy no matter the gender,” Ohno breaks through his thoughts, “as long as it's healthy, ne?” Ohno's hand tightens around his own and Aiba is lost in blank thought, staring into the other's chocolate brown eyes.
Aiba startles when Sho nudges his shoulder on the opposite side. “Eh? Oh yeah. As long as it's healthy,” he mumbles, staring at the floor in front of them.
“Supposedly there are several ways to tell what the gender is,” Jun says. It comes out like a scoff, but even Aiba can tell that he's genuinely interested. “Most are old-wives tales, though.”
“Oh? Should we try a few?” Sho sits up more fully, the curiosity evident in his eyes.
Ohno and Nino make vague noises of interest and so Matsujun pulls from his bag beside him, a notebook where he's been keeping track of just about everything related to pregnancy. It's got sticky-note tabs hanging out the side in various places and Aiba can see the places that have been highlighted through the back of the pages. It reminds him that Jun does nothing halfway.
“Here it is,” Jun says as he flips to the right section, carefully place-marked by a pink tab. “The first one I found was the wedding-ring test. It says that if you hold a string with your wedding ring attached over your stomach, you can tell the gender by the way it moves. If it swings back and forth, you're going to have a boy. If it swings in a circle, you're going to have a girl.”
“But I'm not married,” Aiba says. Nor am I pregnant, he thinks. “I don't have a wedding ring.”
“We could use something equally as important, couldn't we?” Sho suggests and so they take the black, beaded bracelet Aiba always wears and tie a ribbon to it (from one of the baby outfits Jun brought over). Aiba giggles as Ohno pushes Aiba's blue shirt up, exposing his flat stomach and tickling the area around his belly-button.
“You're getting kinda pudgy, aren't you, Aiba-chan?” Nino laughs and reaches over Ohno to poke at Aiba's stomach. Aiba jumps and so Nino does it again. “You're gonna be the size of a house before long.” Jun smacks him upside the head.
Aiba looks down at his stomach and sees nothing but flat, smooth planes of skin. He supposes he might have gained a few pounds going out to eat with Yoko and Ryo so much lately, but there is nothing resembling a baby bump on his body. He pats the area heartily and says that he hasn't noticed anything different.
He lays back when Sho tells him to, allowing the slightly older man to hold the gender-guesser over his stomach, and it seems as though everyone (except Aiba, of course) is holding their breath. They freeze for the moment as the bracelet swings neither back and forth, nor in circles, but hangs still above Aiba's stomach. “Maybe it's too heavy?” Aiba laughs internally; he doesn't tell them that it's obviously not moving because there obviously isn't a baby.
“That's probably it.” Jun nods. “Let's try another one, then?” The group assents and so he starts flipping through pages again. “Do you sleep on your left side or your right side? If you sleep on your left side, that means it's a girl; if you sleep on your right, it's a boy.”
Aiba nods his head as though he is seriously thinking about it. “But I sleep on my stomach,” he says. “If I sleep on my side, I might turn over on my back and then the ogre will step on my chest!”
“Say what?” Nino asks with one brow raised.
“Kanashibari,” Sho clarifies. “Sleep paralysis.”
“Right,” Aiba continues. “So I make sure to always sleep on my stomach, never my sides, never my back. Do you know how creepy those stories are?”
“Right,” Jun repeats in a strange, disbelieving tone. “Next. Are you craving salty or sweet foods? If you're craving sweet things like chocolate, then you're probably having a girl. If you're craving salty things like french fries, then you're probably having a boy.”
“The only thing I've been craving lately is kara'age... with cheese?” Aiba says. “And yakitori and meatballs. I don't know why, but I'm seriously craving meat lately. I don't think any of those are sweet or salty though, are they?”
“They're tasty,” Ohno amends with a satisfactory nod.
“But not helpful,” Sho continues. “Is there ever a time you're not craving fried chicken? Not even once in a while?” he asks and Aiba can hear the desperation in his voice. Sho really wants to know what the baby is, even though it really isn't at all. Aiba shakes his head slowly in the negative.
“There's one more I have,” Jun says and all attention turns to him. “Do you feel clumsy all the time? If you continuously drop your keys or stumble over your own feet, you're probably having a boy. If you're graceful on foot, you're probably having a girl.”
“Jun-kun,” Nino says with a dry stare. “Think about who you're talking to.”
Jun lets out a self-defeating sigh. “Point taken.”
The conversation shifts to the many falls and mishaps of Aiba during concert season and while the group is busy laughing at his misfortune, Aiba is simply glad they're not talking about baby business anymore.
After all, there isn't one.
07.
It's another month later when Ohno appears at Sho's door, late and just a wee bit drunk - not enough that he doesn't know what he's talking about, but enough that he's stumbling over his own feet in the process. Sho is asleep when Ohno knocks, and Aiba is up for a drink of water, so he lets the oldest member in quietly and they sit at the low table in Sho's living room, simply talking.
“I'm really having fun lately, Leader,” Aiba says as he stretches backward, his arms hitting the cushions on the couch. Ohno hums as though he can appreciate the sentiment wholly. Aiba has no doubt; he and Ohno are of very similar natures. “I wonder how long it can last though, you know?”
Ohno nods and places his head on folded arms across the tabletop. “It is kinda strange, isn't it? That Aiba-chan would be having a baby. Something about it just seems wrong - not bad, but wrong.”
A light sparks in Aiba's mind and suddenly he's hopeful that he might be able to convince someone he's not carrying a child. Ohno has always been somewhat intuitive, despite his oblivious nature, and Aiba wonders if he's picked up on everything the others seem to be overlooking. Aiba's not gaining weight, not tired anymore, not experiencing any symptoms of pregnancy at all, and he keeps hoping that someone will notice and end this entire charade.
He's getting really tired of hiding prenatal vitamin tablets under his mattress while Sho isn't looking.
There seems to be so much weighing in against him though. He remembers the day Jun and Sho had taken him for his very first ultrasound. The doctor swore up and down that the pregnancy (although impossible) was progressing very nicely. And somehow they'd been able to take pictures of something inside Aiba (or was it?) that resembled a developing fetus. And somehow Aiba had been able to hear something resembling a heartbeat as the cold gel squished against this stomach and the doctor ran his magic wand over the exposed area.
They each took a dozen copies of the sonogram and passed them out to their close friends, all playing the parts of proud papas, save for Aiba himself, who shoved his share on a bookshelf in the guest room. He rued the day when someone would eventually tell his parents.
Jun had pinned one to the bulletin board in their room at the agency.
And someone (Aiba had yet to figure out who) actually gave Johnny a copy.
There was no convincing anyone of anything resembling reality and for the first time in his life, Aiba feels like he is the only sane person he knows. “Ne, Leader,” he says to Ohno, who is lightly dozing against the tabletop. He's not asleep though - not yet. “You know this whole thing is impossible, don't you? I mean, for me to get pregnant... it's unthinkable. This isn't how it goes.”
Ohno shows a tiny smile. “I know.”
The hope in Aiba's heart swells.
“I never thought it'd happen,” Ohno goes on. “Not that I was giving it much thought to begin with. I did never think it would happen though. To Aiba, anyway.”
Aiba is already making up a chalkboard list in his mind of the many points why it's physically impossible for men to bear children.
“I always thought Sho-kun or Jun-kun would be first,” Ohno concludes.
Aiba lets his head fall to the table in a resounding thud.
Part 2
Genre: Satire, Humor
Length: 12,725 words
Rating: R for explanation of reproduction
Disclaimer: None of this happened. I really shouldn't have to explain that in this case. :P
All of Aiba's textbook references of the birds and the bees came straight from wikipedia. I realize it's not the best source for any subject of study, but I figured they at least had it together enough to explain this.
Props to the best beta ever, eva_lee , for putting up with my nonsense and forgetfulness.
_________________________________________________________
Pie in the Sky
or a carefully-planned response to mpreg
01.
It happens sort of fast - in the span of a single day. Aiba faints on set and when he wakes up, he's in the hospital with an IV needle prodding the largest vein in his arm. It doesn't bother him though; he'd gotten quite used to hospitals years ago, when his lung collapsed and he was left feeling little more than a burden to everyone. That, of course, is something he could do without: the endless feeling of having to depend on others and not the other way around.
He lifts up his shirt (someone had put him back in his street clothes) and frantically looks around for a sign of bandaging or stitches and hopes, ne prays, to whatever powers be at work, that something just as bad has not happened. There is no gauze, no tape, no liquid stitching material - only the single IV drip amidst the sounds of silence. Aiba doesn't do silence well, so the noise is replaced by an off-key rendition of “Lotus” in his own tired voice. He taps his fingers against the railing, rattled by the quiet and the unknowing and the lack of human contact.
He wonders where his cell phone is - and if he should call either Sho or Matsujun, but the handheld is nowhere to be seen. He's hesitant to get up; the fear of being yelled at by a nurse weighing heavily on his mind. They were scary people, hospital nurses.
His tummy feels funny, as though he'd eaten too much that morning, even though in reality he'd barely been able to keep anything down. He'd thrown up backstage - once, twice, - but there was no accompanying fever, no stuffy nose, no sore throat. “Maybe it was food poisoning?” he asks himself quietly, disrupting the tune mid-chorus.
The quiet sets in again, but Aiba doesn't have to worry about it too long, as the door slides open and in walks the doctor, followed closely by Sho and Ohno. “Aiba-san, how are you feeling?” the doctor asks in an abnormally deep voice and Aiba wonders if the disinterest in his tone is a good sign. He can't keep still much longer, even if the pounding in his head is echoed by the gurgling of his stomach. He feels the urge to vomit again, but nothing comes up.
“I feel sick,” he whines, more to Sho than to the sensei. His voice sounds reminiscent of the many times he'd been sick as a child and cried to his mother. He can feel his chin quivering as a million bad thoughts and worries fly through, tempting him to believe the worst before he even knows what is going on. He will not, can not turn into the deadweight of the group again. Once was already enough.
“Well, I should certainly think you would,” the doctor replies mysteriously, going over the chart in his hands. He flips page after page, hemming and hawing over each one, until Aiba feels like uncharacteristically ripping the chart from his hands. Aiba knows it's strange, but he doesn't care. He simply wants to be in the loop. “This is certainly unusual,” the doctor continues. “Certainly unusual.”
“Is it that bad, doctor?” Sho asks from behind. Ohno simply watches on with glazed eyes and a somber expression.
“Aiba-san, I need to ask you a few questions,” the doctor finally says. Aiba nods frantically; he's willing to answer anything and everything if only so they can get to the conclusion.
“How have you been feeling lately?” the doctor asks. “Not just today, but every day for the past few weeks?”
Aiba thinks back. “I've been feeling kinda queasy lately. I can't seem to keep anything down... but that's it. No fever, no cough, no allergies. It's just kind of nauseous-”
“Nauseating,” Sho corrects.
Aiba nods. “Nauseating. I thought maybe it was just food poisoning.”
The doctor hums a little more to himself, nodding where appropriate, and keeps flitting his eyes over the chart, like he's watching a gnat fly in front of his face. Aiba wants to be brave enough to smack him across the back of the head, but knows he'd probably end up on the receiving end of a lecture from Sho. He nods instead, clutching the cotton-woven blanket with his hands until the soft white colour matches his rapidly paling fists.
“Aiba-san,” says the doctor and Aiba is sure this time he's finally going to explain. “I have a few private questions to ask you. So if you'd like your friends to step outside-”
“No, it's okay,” Aiba concludes quickly. There's nothing he would be too embarrassed to say in front of Sho and Ohno. Nino, possibly, but never Sho and Ohno. They'd seen each other at their worst - past their worst - on several occasions. There was nothing he'd be ashamed of them knowing.
The doctor interrupts Aiba's thoughts. “Are you sexually active?”
“Eh?” Clearly he hadn't expected that. Aiba shakes his head to clear his thoughts and only then realizes what the gesture actually means. “Ah. I mean... yes.”
“When's the last time you had intercourse?”
“I... I don't keep up with it!” Aiba exclaims, his cheeks heated in a blush even though he'd promised himself there was nothing too be embarrassed about in front of the older brother pair. He feels as though he's on trial and the doctor is questioning the validity of his answer. “I guess, a week ago?” Aiba mumbles, looking down. He wonders why he's even letting it get to him; normally he'd have no problem making perverted comments on the subject - but there's something about lying in a hospital bed that makes everything a little too serious.
“And before that?”
“A few weeks before that?” He runs a hand through his hair and looks up to see his groupmates hiding smiles behind their hands. “Like you two are getting laid any more than that!” he gripes, even though they probably are. Sho's in an on-again, off-again relationship with some obscure actress and Ohno frequents the dance clubs so much that he's almost guaranteed to go home with someone every night if he really wants to.
“I see,” says the doctor and Aiba has to fight the urge to smack him again. He doesn't stop to think where this sudden swell in irritation has come from, but he does vaguely wonder if it's how Matsujun feels all the time.
“What do you see?” Aiba asks in a rush. His head feels like the backbeat to A.Ra.Shi is on repeat at an ungodly volume. “I haven't contracted some sort of STD, have I?”
“No, no. Nothing like that.” The doctor laughs.
“Then what's with the questions?” Sho interrupts, looking on with a flustered expression, though he was laughing not two seconds before. Aiba supposes he can forgive as long as they're just as worried as he is.
“I was just double-checking the results of the blood test.” Sensei flips the chart closed and holds it tightly to his chest. Aiba (again) wants to rip it from his grasp, but his thoughts settle on two distinct words from the sentence.
“Blood test?” Aiba mumbles with worried eyes. He looks down to the arm opposite the IV and sees where a cotton ball has been taped to the inside of his elbow. It's old and he can see where the blood that's seeped through has turned a dark brown.
“It was done while you were sleeping.”
“And what were the results?” Sho asked.
The doctor held out a long arm in Aiba's direction, signaling for a handshake. “Congratulations Aiba-san. You're pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” The room stills in surprise.
02.
“You don't understand, Sho-chan,” Aiba argues for the umpteenth time in the span of an hour. It's kinda funny, he thinks; Sho is the last person he'd ever thought he would say those specific words to. Sho always knows anything and everything, even if he tends to mess it all up from time to time.
“What's there to understand, Aiba-chan?” Sho says worriedly. “You weren't careful. You didn't use protection. You got knocked up.” He runs a hand through his hair as he paces in front of Aiba's bed. “Just wait until Matsumoto-kun finds out. You'll really hear it then.”
Somehow Aiba doesn't think Matsujun is nearly that stupid.
The doctor is gone; he'd left half an hour before with the excuse of more pregnant males to inform. It was becoming an epidemic. Aiba wanted to ask for an explanation, still wants an explanation, but somehow the sensei manages to dart out amidst complaints of “How?” and “I don't even have those parts!”
Sho is still pacing frantically, the soles of his slippers making whining noises against the white tile below. The movement makes Aiba nervous. “Sho-chan!” Aiba shouts. “I'm a boy. Boys don't have vaginas. Boys can't get pregnant. We learned that in middle school, didn't we?”
Sho pauses mid-step to fix Aiba with a thoroughly incredulous look. “You're in denial,” he says. “Masaki, you're pregnant. This is a very serious problem. We need to think of a solution that's best for the group.”
Aiba wants to say that there is no problem because he most assuredly is not pregnant.
He never gets the chance.
“I suppose it could always be used as a publicity thing...” Sho mutters to himself. “Though we don't know who the father is. It's going to be a pain explaining this to the managers... if all else fails, there's always that, I guess.”
“Always what?” Aiba wonders aloud. “And I'm not pregnant.”
“You know...” Sho stops mid-thought, as though it's not something he really wants to say out loud “...adoption.” Suddenly Aiba is getting a slightly sadistic pleasure from watching Sho squirm over something impossible to begin with. He considers it punishment for this overly elaborate ruse.
A thought hits Aiba and his eyes light up as a smile forms over his lips for the very first time since filming earlier. “Alright,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest in a certainly humored manner. “Where's Nino? Is he outside the door? I mean it's been a while since we've done a Ni-no-Arashi, hasn't it? Someone could have at least offered me an A no Arashi to go along with it!”
Ohno and Sho look to each other with unreadable expressions.
“Nino!” Aiba calls out loudly. His eyes fly to the sliding door at the opposite end of the room, waiting for the sounds of movement outside, waiting for Nino to enter with Matsujun. The entrance never opens and Nino never comes in. “I understand. You're not done with the joke yet, are you? Is this going to be the longest running trick ever or something?”
“Aiba-chan,” Leader says calmly, slowly. He leans forward from where his hand is wrapped around the metal handrail and places his free palm face down on Aiba's blanket-covered abdomen. “It's not a joke. There's something magical in here. There's a baby inside of you, Aiba-chan. You should treasure it.”
Aiba stares in unhinged bewilderment until he's sure he's focused so much on Ohno that his eyes are crossed. His mouth hangs open and for the longest time, he isn't sure if he's capable of producing words at all. “Leader,” he says, his voice rising in pitch and volume with every word, “I am not pregnant!”
Ohno and Sho share yet another look of clear uncertainty. “Denial,” they chorus together.
03.
Aiba has it all set up before they even arrive. He's been working on it for a week since he was released from the hospital and the agency insisted he take time off to regain his strength. He doesn't know why everyone is dancing around him so lightly, why everyone is acting as though he's something fragile. So today he's insistent that he get to the bottom of it all. And though they don't make it a point to delve into each other's personal lives, he figures the best place to start is with Arashi.
He's worked hard for this moment. There's rolls of white newsprint paper laid out across the floor of his apartment, lined with the thick smell of permanent markers in varying colors and widths. It's the same paper he used to design Aiba suguroku way back in the day. It feels so long ago.
He's standing proudly over his artistic genius when he hears a series of knocks at the door. Aiba nearly trips over the textbook he'd bought earlier that day as he fumbles to reach the door in a timely manner. He trips down the step to the genkan and smacks his forehead on the door before opening it, leaving a red mark that is barely covered by his hairline.
“Hey everyone,” he says as he opens the door. There are four pairs of eyes watching him fastidiously on the other side and he has to fight the urge to bring up the argument all over again. There isn't time for that though; he's a man on a mission. “Before I let you in,” he starts, holding the door in place though Nino is pushing against it, “you have to promise me something.”
“It's freaking cold out here, idiot,” Nino snaps immediately as he wraps his arms around himself, still pushing against the door.
“You don't need to be out here, Aiba-kun,” Matsujun says. “What if you get sick? Think of the baby.”
“I'm going to let you in,” Aiba says with all the patience he can muster, which for himself is a miracle, “but you have to really, really promise not to say anything. I have something to show you and I want you to listen to my explanation before you make any comments, okay?”
“We can do that, Aiba-chan,” Leader says with a smile before anyone can get a word in.
Aiba is thankful.
He opens the door as wide as it will go and one by one the other members file into the genkan, each slipping their shoes off and haphazardly tossing them to the side. They pad into the living room together, some in slippers and some in socks, because it's Aiba's place and there really is no need for formalities.
There was probably no reason for Aiba to worry about their comments as they come to a standstill in front of the newsprint, their eyes wider than words can describe. Aiba stares at them in confusion; surely they've seen such pictures before; Aiba himself remembers looking them up in the encyclopedia at school and giggling with his friends in the back section of the library.
“Aiba-chan...” Sho says aloud, their rule about commenting forgotten. “Tell me you're not trying to draw the world's largest porn manga again.”
“I'm not,” Aiba replies with a hint of sadness in his voice. That venture had been a lost cause. “Though I still argue that life-sized porn is the way to go.”
“Then what is this?”
“This!” Aiba says and he plucks up a metal pointer from the table beside them. “Is the human reproductive system. This,” he points at the first image, “is the male system. And this,” he points at the second, “is the female system. Does anyone care to list the differences?”
Nobody speaks, so Aiba takes it upon himself to continue. “Let's start with the female system.” He kneels down to pick up the textbook he'd tripped over and flips through the pages until he lands on the right one.
“The female reproductive system (or female genital system) contains two main parts: the uterus, which hosts the developing fetus, produces vaginal and uterine secretions, and passes the anatomically male person's sperm through to the fallopian tubes; and the ovaries, which produce the anatomically female person's egg cells. If, in this transit, it meets with sperm, the sperm penetrate and merge with the egg, fertilizing it. The fertilization usually occurs in the oviducts, but can happen in the uterus itself. The zygote then implants itself in the wall of the uterus, where it begins the processes of embryogenesis and morphogenesis. When developed enough to survive outside the womb, the cervix dilates and contractions of the uterus propel the fetus through the birth canal, which is the vagina.”
Aiba admits he'd had a hard enough time reading through that the first time and understanding any of it, but he likes to give the other boys a bit more credit. “So this means that eggs are stored and fertilized in the female system, where they undergo a series of changes from fertilized egg to fully-formed baby, when it is expelled through the vagina,” he says, using his hands to elaborate as he mimics an explosion between his legs.
The other boys continue to stare, dumbfounded.
“Right. Let's move on to the male system,” Aiba continues as he flips over a few more pages.
“The human male reproductive system (or male genital system) consists of a number of sex organs that are a part of the human reproductive process. In this type of reproductive system, these sex organs are located outside the body, around the pelvic region. The main anatomically male sex organs are the penis and the testes which produce semen and sperm, which as part of sexual intercourse fertilize an ovum in an anatomically female person's body and the fertilized ovum (zygote) gradually develops into a fetus, which is later born as a child.”
The male system sounds a bit more simple, and the female a bit more complicated, which is ironic to Aiba, since women tend to be complicated people anyway. “So, from this we learn that there is no place in the male reproductive system to house eggs or babies,” he says as slowly as he can. “What does that tell you?”
The others look up to Aiba as if they've only just noticed he was in the same room.
“It means that men can't have babies!” Aiba nearly snaps.
“Aiba-chan,” Matsujun says quietly, his eyes trailing over the images as though he's deep in thought. For a moment Aiba hopes he's taking it in, digesting everything Aiba just explained. Matsujun has always been smart like that. “Have you been sniffing permanent markers again?”
“Yup,” Nino says as he picks up an extra wide sharpie from the floor. “You know these fumes aren't good for the baby.”
Aiba deflates immediately.
04.
Aiba is in the bathroom when Matsujun comes over a month later to check on him at the insistence of the younger man. Aiba is adamant that he doesn't need looking after, since there is nothing wrong with him, but he welcomes the company anyway. He drops a glob of toothpaste on the front of his shirt as sounds of knocking come from the front door, and he tries to wipe it off as cleanly as possible, but the remnants remain.
He goes to the door and throws it open to make way for Matsujun and the million shopping bags he has laced onto each arm. Jun has to turn sideways to fit through the door and Aiba silently wonders if he's brought any food along. He's been having an unnatural craving for fried chicken dipped in cheese sauce and no matter how much he eats it, the want never goes away.
He's simply thankful he can keep food down again.
“Isn't it a bit early for you to start lactating? You're only in your second month,” Jun says as he eyes the stains on the front of Aiba's shirt. “It's all here in the book I was reading. Usually people don't start lactating until the twenty-fourth week of pregnancy, and that's a ways off.”
Aiba wants to argue that only women lactate during pregnancy, because only women get pregnant. “It's toothpaste,” he mumbles instead. “It dropped on me when I was brushing my teeth.”
Jun hums a simple response and nods as he sets the bags down in front of the overly large, comfy couch in Aiba's living room. “I bought some things,” he says as he starts digging through the largest one. He pulls out a gender-neutral baby outfit and Aiba's first instinct is to run and snatch it and proclaim how very cute it is. He holds back though, because that would simply be feeding the proverbial troll.
He's so very tired of it all. He has pleaded and argued and explained almost continuously from the moment they release him from the hospital and onward. Each time he's met with resistance and blank stares, as though he's the one who has lost his mind and not the other way around. Even the agency - even Johnny himself - seems to be in on the joke and the entire thing makes Aiba feel like someone else completely.
The only thing that keeps him going is the attention rained down on him by the other members. He welcomes their constant presence, though it's highly unwarranted.
“It's not much,” Jun continues, though in reality it's far too much. Aiba is jolted from his thoughts and he looks to see a mountain of baby toys and clothes and much more than any expecting mother could hope for. “I thought you might want to start thinking about these things. There are books as well - on pregnancy and childbirth and even a few full of names.”
“Any that you like, Matsujun?” Aiba decides to play along with a brilliant smile. There's not much more he can do anyway. He kneels down beside Jun and starts picking through the unisex items, wondering just how disappointed Jun is going to be when he realizes that Aiba is, in fact, not pregnant.
Aiba is sure Jun will make a wonderful parent someday.
“Names?” Jun says as he takes to folding each individual garment into precise little squares. “Let's see... there's Junichi, Junnosuke, Juntaro,” he pauses in thought, “Junko if it's a girl.”
Aiba laughs loudly. It feels as though he hasn't done so in a very long time. “Matsujun!” he bats at Jun's arm playfully. “All those names have the character Jun in them.”
Jun laughs in response. “Then I guess we should save those for my offspring, ne? What would be a good name for Aiba-chan's baby?” he taps a finger against his chin in classic thinking pose. “Masako, Masakichi, Masami... or there's always Masamune.”
“Oooooh! Do Sho-chan next, Matsujun!” Aiba bounces in place where he sits next to Jun on the floor, wholly ignoring the stack of miniature clothing that appears beside him. He'd forgotten how completely indulgent Jun could be at times, and the thought warms him until he is hesitant to let go of the moment at all - even if they are talking about nonexistent children.
“For Sho, there would be Shoichi or Shoko, wouldn't there?” says Jun. “And for Nino there would be Kazumi or Kazuki. And for Ohno... I really can't think of any variations on Satoshi.”
“He could always call it Maguro or Katsuo.”
“To name a child after his favorite catch? I suppose that's very Ohno-like.”
Aiba nods. “Wouldn't it be awesome if we all had boys one day? And then they could succeed us as the next generation of Arashi. It'd be a definite first for Johnny's.” He gets so caught up in his own thoughts that he fails to notice the serious shadow that overtakes Jun as the youngest takes out book after book, stacking them neatly next to the edge of the couch. “And they'd cover all our old songs as well. Their first single would be a remix of A.Ra.Shi.”
“Wouldn't that make your son the oldest? Assuming that you have a boy,” Jun says absently. “Somehow that doesn't seem right. I always thought Leader or Sho would be first, you know?”
Aiba laughs again. “Matsujun. Enough already! I'm not pregnant.”
“No. You enough!” Jun says in a blur and suddenly his dark eyes are locked onto Aiba's shaking gaze. Aiba startles; he doesn't think he's ever seen the youngest look so vehement in all the years they've known each other. “We're all trying to be really supportive because you're in a difficult state and Aiba-chan has always been somewhat fragile inside. But you can't keep denying the fact that there is life inside you.” He reaches over to place a flattened palm against Aiba's stomach. “There's a baby in there, Aiba-chan.”
Aiba opens his mouth to retort most emphatically that no-the-hell there is not.
Jun cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “I know you're worried over the fact that your child doesn't have a father... and I'm not going to ask about the circumstances surrounding that. Whether he's left or you don't know who it is - is no issue to me. You just need to realize that you're not alone in this. We're all here to help you.”
Aiba blinks in bemusement. Hypothetically, he thinks, even if he was pregnant, he'd still be the father.
“But if it's really bothering you...” Jun stops and for the longest time, Aiba doesn't think he's going to continue. When he looks up, Jun's gaze has softened visibly and his eyes are shining with unspoken emotion. “If it's really bothering you, I can be the father of your baby. I can take responsibility for you, Aiba-chan.”
“Eh?” Aiba asks and quickly collects himself. “I appreciate the offer Matsujun, but I'm not- there's not- I can't ask that of you,” he finishes lamely.
The sincerity gets to him amidst the ridiculousness of it all.
05.
It's another month down the road when Sho comes storming into his apartment (he has an extra key) shouting about Aiba missing his gynecologist appointment or something else equally as nonsensical. “Have you at least been taking the prenatal vitamins the doctor prescribed you?” Sho asks as he eyes the orange bottle that sits untouched on Aiba's counter-top in the kitchen. The lid is covered in dust and Aiba regrets that he didn't throw it away immediately.
He doesn't say a word as Sho picks up the full bottle and shakes it. The rattling echoes throughout the room.
“There's so much they have to do in order to make sure you and the baby are healthy!” Sho says, his hands up in the air as he paces back and forth in front of the counter. The bottle is still in his hand. “Blood counts and screenings for really important things - diseases and disorders, Masaki! Do you just not care about the well-being of your own child?”
“You've been reading Matsujun's books again, haven't you?” Aiba sighs. “There is no baby, Sho-chan,” he repeats for the thousandth time. “I'm a boy. Boys can't have babies. I don't have a vagina or ovaries or fallopian tubes or any other girly parts. There is no reason for me to see a gyno.”
“You're almost to your second trimester and you're still spouting this nonsense?” Sho stops pacing abruptly, coming face to face with Aiba. His shoulders look like they slope even more as he takes Aiba's wrists in his hands. “What are you so afraid of? That you're alone? Because you're not. We're all here with you.”
Again, Aiba is taken aback by the thoughtfulness of his friends, even if it makes no sense.
“Move in with me,” Sho requests, though there is the underlying tone of a command within. His eyes are soft and shining and Aiba can't look away. “Move in with me and I'll be the father to your child. Let me take care of you, Masaki.”
Aiba is willingly pulled into Sho's open arms. He feels so very warm inside, as though he'd be content to fall asleep and never wake up. He doesn't understand everyone's preoccupation with being his fictional baby's father, but he silently chalks it up to the giving and loving natures of his friends. He decides to play along, if only to keep the moment from being ruined. “How did you know I haven't been going?”
“We all left our numbers with the doctor.” Sho pulls away, but he doesn't let go of his hold on Aiba. “He called us after you missed the last two appointments.”
“So you were worried about me?” Aiba says as he lets loose a small giggle, his smile wide and his eyes crinkling at the sides.
“We're all worried about you,” Sho admits. “And this way we thought we could all watch over you. My place is nearer to the agency, and the others have offered to drop by from time to time as well. So you should move in with me, even if it's only for now.”
“Okay.” Aiba agrees to the move, if only because he knows he'll have to comfort the rest of the group when they finally realize there's no baby. He has no doubt that it's all still a really elaborate prank, but he's starting to doubt that the other members are behind it at all. They're so genuinely looking forward to being part of this made-up child's life that Aiba almost doesn't want to spoil it for them.
Matsujun has brought clothing, Sho has brought food, Ohno has brought a strange device that he later identified as a breast pump “because my mom told me that breastfeeding is healthier for the baby.” Even Nino has been so considerate to bake him a cake, even if all the ingredients came from Aiba's kitchen; “that way it'll be fresher!” he says, but Aiba knows it's because he's stingy. Everyone is so excited over the promise of new life and Aiba doesn't know if he can continue to argue against their good wishes.
The day will come though, when there is no baby, and Arashi will be upset.
Aiba will be there for them as they are there for him now.
06.
Aiba is supposedly at four months, the beginning of his second trimester, when the whole group gathers together once again. They're all sitting on the floor in Sho's living room, though there is a perfectly good couch behind their backs. “It looks so cute,” Ohno coos at the black and white sonogram image he's holding. On it, Aiba's made-up child is no bigger than a walnut and Aiba himself feels very little for the image.
They pass a bottle of red wine back and forth between them, each taking deliberate, congratulatory sips as it comes their way. Aiba pouts when they don't let him have any. “Because pregnant people aren't supposed to drink alcohol,” Sho scolds. They drink straight from the bottle because most of the glasses in Sho's apartment are either broken already (he'd dropped the entire crystalline set his mother bought him as a housewarming gift) or dirty. He's been too busy to wash them, and he won't let Aiba do any chores, though the taller man protests frequently.
“You'll be able to find out gender with the next one, won't you?” Jun asks as the picture comes his way. He smiles warmly and Aiba thinks to himself that it's more the group's fictional baby and less his own.
“If the baby is turned the right way,” Sho answers in place of Aiba. “Personally, I hope it's a boy. It'd be fun taking him to soccer matches.”
“Or baseball games,” Nino challenges.
“But little girls are more fashionable, aren't they?” Jun counters. “It's a lot easier to find nice clothes for baby girls than it is for baby boys. Of course, thinking back through the history of western clothing, they all used to wear dresses, didn't they? If it's a boy, can we still make it wear dresses?”
“No!” both Sho and Nino sound in unison.
Aiba simply watches on where he sits, his left hand intertwined with Ohno's right unconsciously. He can't bring himself to say anything; he's tired of arguing. It's rare though, that all five are able to gather outside of work, and he cherishes the moment enough to let the conversation fly right over his head and out the window. He'll let the other four talk and dream if it allows them all to remain together.
“I'm sure Aiba-chan will be happy no matter the gender,” Ohno breaks through his thoughts, “as long as it's healthy, ne?” Ohno's hand tightens around his own and Aiba is lost in blank thought, staring into the other's chocolate brown eyes.
Aiba startles when Sho nudges his shoulder on the opposite side. “Eh? Oh yeah. As long as it's healthy,” he mumbles, staring at the floor in front of them.
“Supposedly there are several ways to tell what the gender is,” Jun says. It comes out like a scoff, but even Aiba can tell that he's genuinely interested. “Most are old-wives tales, though.”
“Oh? Should we try a few?” Sho sits up more fully, the curiosity evident in his eyes.
Ohno and Nino make vague noises of interest and so Matsujun pulls from his bag beside him, a notebook where he's been keeping track of just about everything related to pregnancy. It's got sticky-note tabs hanging out the side in various places and Aiba can see the places that have been highlighted through the back of the pages. It reminds him that Jun does nothing halfway.
“Here it is,” Jun says as he flips to the right section, carefully place-marked by a pink tab. “The first one I found was the wedding-ring test. It says that if you hold a string with your wedding ring attached over your stomach, you can tell the gender by the way it moves. If it swings back and forth, you're going to have a boy. If it swings in a circle, you're going to have a girl.”
“But I'm not married,” Aiba says. Nor am I pregnant, he thinks. “I don't have a wedding ring.”
“We could use something equally as important, couldn't we?” Sho suggests and so they take the black, beaded bracelet Aiba always wears and tie a ribbon to it (from one of the baby outfits Jun brought over). Aiba giggles as Ohno pushes Aiba's blue shirt up, exposing his flat stomach and tickling the area around his belly-button.
“You're getting kinda pudgy, aren't you, Aiba-chan?” Nino laughs and reaches over Ohno to poke at Aiba's stomach. Aiba jumps and so Nino does it again. “You're gonna be the size of a house before long.” Jun smacks him upside the head.
Aiba looks down at his stomach and sees nothing but flat, smooth planes of skin. He supposes he might have gained a few pounds going out to eat with Yoko and Ryo so much lately, but there is nothing resembling a baby bump on his body. He pats the area heartily and says that he hasn't noticed anything different.
He lays back when Sho tells him to, allowing the slightly older man to hold the gender-guesser over his stomach, and it seems as though everyone (except Aiba, of course) is holding their breath. They freeze for the moment as the bracelet swings neither back and forth, nor in circles, but hangs still above Aiba's stomach. “Maybe it's too heavy?” Aiba laughs internally; he doesn't tell them that it's obviously not moving because there obviously isn't a baby.
“That's probably it.” Jun nods. “Let's try another one, then?” The group assents and so he starts flipping through pages again. “Do you sleep on your left side or your right side? If you sleep on your left side, that means it's a girl; if you sleep on your right, it's a boy.”
Aiba nods his head as though he is seriously thinking about it. “But I sleep on my stomach,” he says. “If I sleep on my side, I might turn over on my back and then the ogre will step on my chest!”
“Say what?” Nino asks with one brow raised.
“Kanashibari,” Sho clarifies. “Sleep paralysis.”
“Right,” Aiba continues. “So I make sure to always sleep on my stomach, never my sides, never my back. Do you know how creepy those stories are?”
“Right,” Jun repeats in a strange, disbelieving tone. “Next. Are you craving salty or sweet foods? If you're craving sweet things like chocolate, then you're probably having a girl. If you're craving salty things like french fries, then you're probably having a boy.”
“The only thing I've been craving lately is kara'age... with cheese?” Aiba says. “And yakitori and meatballs. I don't know why, but I'm seriously craving meat lately. I don't think any of those are sweet or salty though, are they?”
“They're tasty,” Ohno amends with a satisfactory nod.
“But not helpful,” Sho continues. “Is there ever a time you're not craving fried chicken? Not even once in a while?” he asks and Aiba can hear the desperation in his voice. Sho really wants to know what the baby is, even though it really isn't at all. Aiba shakes his head slowly in the negative.
“There's one more I have,” Jun says and all attention turns to him. “Do you feel clumsy all the time? If you continuously drop your keys or stumble over your own feet, you're probably having a boy. If you're graceful on foot, you're probably having a girl.”
“Jun-kun,” Nino says with a dry stare. “Think about who you're talking to.”
Jun lets out a self-defeating sigh. “Point taken.”
The conversation shifts to the many falls and mishaps of Aiba during concert season and while the group is busy laughing at his misfortune, Aiba is simply glad they're not talking about baby business anymore.
After all, there isn't one.
07.
It's another month later when Ohno appears at Sho's door, late and just a wee bit drunk - not enough that he doesn't know what he's talking about, but enough that he's stumbling over his own feet in the process. Sho is asleep when Ohno knocks, and Aiba is up for a drink of water, so he lets the oldest member in quietly and they sit at the low table in Sho's living room, simply talking.
“I'm really having fun lately, Leader,” Aiba says as he stretches backward, his arms hitting the cushions on the couch. Ohno hums as though he can appreciate the sentiment wholly. Aiba has no doubt; he and Ohno are of very similar natures. “I wonder how long it can last though, you know?”
Ohno nods and places his head on folded arms across the tabletop. “It is kinda strange, isn't it? That Aiba-chan would be having a baby. Something about it just seems wrong - not bad, but wrong.”
A light sparks in Aiba's mind and suddenly he's hopeful that he might be able to convince someone he's not carrying a child. Ohno has always been somewhat intuitive, despite his oblivious nature, and Aiba wonders if he's picked up on everything the others seem to be overlooking. Aiba's not gaining weight, not tired anymore, not experiencing any symptoms of pregnancy at all, and he keeps hoping that someone will notice and end this entire charade.
He's getting really tired of hiding prenatal vitamin tablets under his mattress while Sho isn't looking.
There seems to be so much weighing in against him though. He remembers the day Jun and Sho had taken him for his very first ultrasound. The doctor swore up and down that the pregnancy (although impossible) was progressing very nicely. And somehow they'd been able to take pictures of something inside Aiba (or was it?) that resembled a developing fetus. And somehow Aiba had been able to hear something resembling a heartbeat as the cold gel squished against this stomach and the doctor ran his magic wand over the exposed area.
They each took a dozen copies of the sonogram and passed them out to their close friends, all playing the parts of proud papas, save for Aiba himself, who shoved his share on a bookshelf in the guest room. He rued the day when someone would eventually tell his parents.
Jun had pinned one to the bulletin board in their room at the agency.
And someone (Aiba had yet to figure out who) actually gave Johnny a copy.
There was no convincing anyone of anything resembling reality and for the first time in his life, Aiba feels like he is the only sane person he knows. “Ne, Leader,” he says to Ohno, who is lightly dozing against the tabletop. He's not asleep though - not yet. “You know this whole thing is impossible, don't you? I mean, for me to get pregnant... it's unthinkable. This isn't how it goes.”
Ohno shows a tiny smile. “I know.”
The hope in Aiba's heart swells.
“I never thought it'd happen,” Ohno goes on. “Not that I was giving it much thought to begin with. I did never think it would happen though. To Aiba, anyway.”
Aiba is already making up a chalkboard list in his mind of the many points why it's physically impossible for men to bear children.
“I always thought Sho-kun or Jun-kun would be first,” Ohno concludes.
Aiba lets his head fall to the table in a resounding thud.
Part 2