Self pity rant, don't worry about it.
I've been thinking about a lot lately...and sad about a lot too. Some things I've written down either on my computer or in a journal. Some I voice to Dillon, some I draw angry pictures about, some I just mope about, some I cry uncontrollably about.
I told him earlier today that sometimes it feels like everything I've done since highschool I've ended up failing at.
- living in LA: fail.
- trying to be in a committed relationship: fail.
- living with my parents again: fail
- college: fail
- living with roommates: fail
- keeping friends: fail
- keeping a solid job: fail
- staying happy and sane: fail
Sure I've been doing artsy things lately and yeah my mom loves it and that's great. but I spent a LOT OF FUCKING TIME making this little sculpture, molding it, casting it, painting it. I made five. I wrapped one up real nice and cute-like, and hid it on xmas, with a tag saying it goes to whoever finds it first.
Unfortunately my cousin found it, which I was hoping wouldn't happen but whatever. She opened it and was just like "oh, cool." and set it down on the table. The end. Thanks Megan. And I tried to show the rest of my extended family but it always seems like they look at the things I make out of courtesy and then don't really have much to say to me. Yes, I realize I don't make my art for them, but fuck. It's so aggravating. I'm the black sheep in the first place because of the adoption thing (or it feels like it), then to add to things, I'm the weird artsy girl in the family. and some of them attempt to take an interest, which I appreciate. But christ I already feel so alienated from all of the family I have.
Also I've had a difficult time wanting to eat. I get hungry, but once food is in front of me, I completely lose my appetite. I just feel so disgusting when I eat. I feel unhealthy and lethargic. I really hope I snap out of this because I really don't want to develop an eating disorder. I know I'm not fat, but I feel that way a lot of the time. I gained about 15-20 pounds after high school and I haven't lost it. It's gross. I'm not saying I want to lose all of it, because a lot of it is healthy weight. I guess what I want is some tone. Tone is what I need. I go through these jags where I tell myself I'm going to do crunches every day or something. I used to do it at work in LA on my lunch breaks, but it didn't last very long. I lasted for a whole day recently and then I totally forgot about it. I don't have a lot of self discipline.
I don't really know what to do with myself right now.
I'm hoping to visit LA in March-ish, since my summer plans got all fucked up because I got kicked out of the apartment. Whatever.
My money saving priorities are thus: LA fund, DS fund, Dick Smith fx course fund.... and then moving to LA fund. Ha.
Anyway. Maybe more later if I enter another phase of self-loathing. =D
Good times.
I told him earlier today that sometimes it feels like everything I've done since highschool I've ended up failing at.
- living in LA: fail.
- trying to be in a committed relationship: fail.
- living with my parents again: fail
- college: fail
- living with roommates: fail
- keeping friends: fail
- keeping a solid job: fail
- staying happy and sane: fail
Sure I've been doing artsy things lately and yeah my mom loves it and that's great. but I spent a LOT OF FUCKING TIME making this little sculpture, molding it, casting it, painting it. I made five. I wrapped one up real nice and cute-like, and hid it on xmas, with a tag saying it goes to whoever finds it first.
Unfortunately my cousin found it, which I was hoping wouldn't happen but whatever. She opened it and was just like "oh, cool." and set it down on the table. The end. Thanks Megan. And I tried to show the rest of my extended family but it always seems like they look at the things I make out of courtesy and then don't really have much to say to me. Yes, I realize I don't make my art for them, but fuck. It's so aggravating. I'm the black sheep in the first place because of the adoption thing (or it feels like it), then to add to things, I'm the weird artsy girl in the family. and some of them attempt to take an interest, which I appreciate. But christ I already feel so alienated from all of the family I have.
Also I've had a difficult time wanting to eat. I get hungry, but once food is in front of me, I completely lose my appetite. I just feel so disgusting when I eat. I feel unhealthy and lethargic. I really hope I snap out of this because I really don't want to develop an eating disorder. I know I'm not fat, but I feel that way a lot of the time. I gained about 15-20 pounds after high school and I haven't lost it. It's gross. I'm not saying I want to lose all of it, because a lot of it is healthy weight. I guess what I want is some tone. Tone is what I need. I go through these jags where I tell myself I'm going to do crunches every day or something. I used to do it at work in LA on my lunch breaks, but it didn't last very long. I lasted for a whole day recently and then I totally forgot about it. I don't have a lot of self discipline.
I don't really know what to do with myself right now.
I'm hoping to visit LA in March-ish, since my summer plans got all fucked up because I got kicked out of the apartment. Whatever.
My money saving priorities are thus: LA fund, DS fund, Dick Smith fx course fund.... and then moving to LA fund. Ha.
Anyway. Maybe more later if I enter another phase of self-loathing. =D
Good times.