I really only update in here once in a while to bitch about my life
Im really not looking for sympathy from anyone-and Im cutting this so people have the choice of whether or not to read it. I just really needed to get them out and figure some things out. Well a lot of things. I know people are there for me and everything, and I didnt type this looking for comments or sympathy. I just need to get it off my chest. That being said:
I think this is truly the unhappiest I have been in a long time. My heart is literally aching inside of my chest. I dont want to update in here about it, but I need to get it out somewhere. I want to make it private, but then again I dont because I think if people dont want to read it they can skip over it. Its my journal.
Nothing makes me happy in my life right now. I just sat in my apt and cried for like a half hour. Which is good for me. I havent cried in a very long time. But I dont know what brought it on. I just know Im not happy. And I look at my phone wondering who to call, and no one comes to mind. Not that no one would care, but this isnt who I am. Im the "strong" one who takes care of everyone elses problems. I dont get like this.
I have such low self-esteem. It sucks. Im not confident at all anymore. I used to have so much more confidence. Im unhappy with just about every aspect of my life. I used to be confident and pretty and happy and involved. Now I really just want to sit in my room and do nothing.
For the first time this week I was thikning about transferring schools. Far away where no one knows me. Across the country. Away from my family, my friends, my life. Start anew. Wipe the slate clean. Where no one knows me-knows the stuff I put myself through. And it isnt even because Im not doing well. Last semester, I sat myself down, worked all my crap out, studied my ass off and got a 3.5 GPA. 3 A's, 2 B's.
Woot. Go me. Great now im crying again.
New Years SUCKED. Well really my entire break while I was in MD sucked. But I really wish I could erase that night. I poured my heart out to him for the first time in like...ever. I told him I loved him. I did it knowing he might not remember any of it and lo and behold he doesnt. So again I put myself in the position to be hurt by him. And I was. So we arent talking again. He told me I shouldnt feel like an asshole about it, but I do. And its not like I can move on from him, because I dont have confidence to talk to other guys. That comes from being unhappy with my appearance. I weigh the most I have ever weighed. Im disgusting to myself. Ive been going to the RAC every day, and I will keep going but it feels like nothing is happening to change it. Sure, I keep buying clothes, CUTE clothes, but it doesnt matter if I dont like how I look underneath them. I fantasize about winning a lot of money or something so I could really change it. Change my face. My teeth. My body. But I guess that doesnt change your mind. I really need an entire lifestyle change.
I miss my old friends. I love my new ones, but Im not as close to them as I want to be. I dont open up to them like I should. I keep a part of my guarded for whatever reason. The only old friend I really still talk to is Grace and not even on a regular basis. And I love her to death, but it still sucks not talking to everyone else. I have really lost touch with a lot of people...a lot of that is my fault, but I dont even know how to start fixing it.
I have been thinking a lot about rugby lately also. I feel like Im letting the team down. I have been slipping on match secretary stuff because my email was being screwy and then I left for vacation; ie: no computer, etc. And I dont know. I just feel like a failure in that right now too. I really have been thinking about resigning my position and stepping back from the team. But I dont want to do that either. I really love the team, love the people on the team, love being involved with it, but there are just certain things about it that bug me. Its things I need to get over-things that have always bugged me since before the rugby team. Just insecurities. I know I wont give up the rugby team-its the most stable thing I have in my life right now and I defnitely need that. I just dont want to let my team down or disappoint them-that
would devastate me at this point.
The other thing is that I was going to rush a sorority this semester but I have been thinking about that a whole super lot too. I put it off last semester for personal reasons, and although I promised people I was going to rush this semester I think I am going to have to put it off again. Its just not in my heart. I wanted it soooo bad before and now I just dont know. I dont know if its meant to be. I love the girls with all my heart-but I dont know why Im joining. And I feel like Im imposing on my roommate's thing. Like I dont belong there. I dont know. I dont think I would fit in. Thats such a lame excuse but I feel like it would change everything. And I think it would change things between Maryana and I and I dont want that. She is my best friend or one of them and I need things to stay stable between us. Im so lame.
I just hear all these songs and it just reminds me of different things that make me unhappy for whatever reason. I dont know if I have a real reason to be unhappy.
Typing them out these all seem so superficial to me. Christ, Im not starving, I have a loving family and little problems with that, no real money issues, no real threats like getting kicked out of school or anyhting and yet im such a crybaby. I dont know what it is.
Im done bitching and being a crybaby. I will do something with my life. I will make myself better-I always do.