Death
I don't know if it was just bad luck, bad karma, or just crappy coincidence.
But as time goes on, I believe less and less in the 'coincidence' that happens everyday... There really is no such thing as coincidence. But when one thinks about it, they scale is mind-boggling, leading to such stuff as religion.
I don't care for religion particularly, I've tried staying in a church. That's when I realized that every person in there was patiently waiting to die. That's why I hate old people, they can't do anything but wait for death. They stink of it.
But even before that, this last summer a horse who would have lived if just given a little love and attention was put down by one of our boarders. Her body lay under a tarp for two days. It's amazing how someone can get so used to that sort of thing, after a while.
That's not to mention the baby rats I had to keep throwing to the dogs because there is no chance I can successfully watch after a baby rat. Not to mention that they were probably diseased.
Then came the baby bird, luckily I didn't name it. But I killed it - by using my best intentions I stupidly put it in a place where it's mother couldn't get to it. I buried it the next day.
After that was a young foal, we named her after we were pretty sure she would survive. At first I had no hope, she wasn't walking and had a weak suckling reflex. But desperation caught up to me and I cried over her so that she would stand. The night before she collapsed into a coma, she was walking the best she ever had. She was going to make it, and we had given her the name Yavi. She died two days later, at two in the morning. I came out at six to see her naked form - our boarder had taken the blankets and heating pads away after she found her dead - lying there in the stall, I checked for a heartbeat. There was a heartbeat, but it might have been my own. Either way, I knew she was dead, but I still ran inside and tried to get everyone to save her.
I was two days too late.
Then, in October my cat was diagnosed with liver failure. After weeks of watching him waste away while I could do nothing we brought him in for a second consultation, where the doctors realized he had a tumor on his liver. They hadn't caught it the first time because tumors aren't easy to catch in x-ray's. He was put down that same day, before I came home from school expecting him to be there. We buried him before we left for Arizona, two days later. He died in November.
In Arizona, my grandparents talked about their deaths, and what we should inherit. They told us to not be greedy when the time comes. No actual dying this time, but it will be soon - my grandpa is in recession from cancer and is over 80. They both eat unhealthily, and I don't want that day to ever come.
Now, my other grandparents are visiting and a second type of death has come into being here. Death of the mind, where the person can still walk and talk, and maybe retain their name, but they aren't there. They aren't there anymore - the person who used to tell jokes, take us one walks, and just be there isn't there anymore.
In a way this is a death, in a way it isn't. The person who I considered my best friend, the person who I fell in love with, and the person who I've consciously pushed away, I've killed the bond we once had. I do not meet their eyes, they aren't even intelligent to realize what's going on. I'm glad I killed that bond though, they need someone else other than me - I'm worthless when it comes to being a friend, and I'd be worthless as anything else.
I've adopted two kittens, despite the short time between now and the death of my cat... I'm not sure if I made the right choice, and I'm not sure if I'm going insane anymore.
The whole point of listing all those was to get them off my mind, but the interesting thing is that in this past year, I've murdered, I've tried to save, I've watched, and I've cried every single time.
I'm surprised I can still cry anymore.
Man, that was emo. :/