i'll leave the light on awhile.
grocery shopping never fails to make me happy. only we could turn a trip to the grocery store into an adventure, haha. go us.
i haven't really updated about what's been on my mind lately so i think it's about time that i do that since there's a lot on my mind.
i've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. so many ups and downs that it's absolutely ridiculous. this weekend was mostly downs though...one of those long weekends where most kids get to go home for a few days. those always manage to depress me and make me more emo than usual. it sucks being one of the kids that doesn't get to go home, especially when i want to so badly.
another thing that's been hard for me lately is that i've been thinking a lot. when i was home i kept myself busy all the time so that i didn't have to deal with a lot of the things going on in my life. i didn't give myself time to think about them so they didn't bring me down. but here my life is a lot less busy which gives me excess amounts of time to do nothing but think about everything that's gone on in my life in the past year and even longer. i'm being forced to deal with a lot of things that i've been putting off dealing with for years. it's hard. it's really, really, really hard. because my defense mechanism has always been avoidance and i can't do that here so it really takes a lot out of me.
my life is so boring here. and it sucks knowing that there are so many more things i could be doing if i had a car here. do you know how depressing it is having friends from a million miles away that you never get to see be 1 hour away from you...and not being able to see them because you have no way of getting there? it sucks so hard. that happened to me twice this week. and i just feel so lonely here. none of my friends have similar interests as me and i just feel like no one really understands me...this is nothing against them, it's just sort of like i'm one of those people that, if you're going to know me, you have to know where i come from. and no one here knows where i come from. i could tell them everything that's happened to me and they still wouldn't understand because they weren't there...they didn't see what it did to me. sometimes i just wish someone were here that knows. someone that would understand why i get the way i do sometimes and just hug me without having to ask what's wrong...they should know what's wrong.
also, being so far away has sort of given me an outsider's perspective on a lot of things. it's allowed me to see a lot of things, situations and people(including myself) in a different light than i ever had before. i don't like the way things look in that light. it's making me reevaluate a lot of my relationships with people and making me wonder what's really important to me. i guess i'm just really disappointed in some of the realizations ive come to.
and to end all of this, i don't think i'll be coming home for thanksgiving. i want to come home so so sooo bad, but my flight's going to be about $60 more than i thought and i'm scared to put that much on my credit card in case i can't pay it off soon enough. *sigh* this sucks. i really needed something to make me smile. i don't smile enough here.
basically i'm just really emotionally exhausted right now...to the extent that i feel like crying all the time. my mom's been telling for a year now that i need to go on antidepressants. i think i'm finally realizing that she may be right.
if you read all that whining you're a champ and i love you. if you didn't...fuck off. i probably didn't want you to anyway.
i haven't really updated about what's been on my mind lately so i think it's about time that i do that since there's a lot on my mind.
i've been an emotional rollercoaster lately. so many ups and downs that it's absolutely ridiculous. this weekend was mostly downs though...one of those long weekends where most kids get to go home for a few days. those always manage to depress me and make me more emo than usual. it sucks being one of the kids that doesn't get to go home, especially when i want to so badly.
another thing that's been hard for me lately is that i've been thinking a lot. when i was home i kept myself busy all the time so that i didn't have to deal with a lot of the things going on in my life. i didn't give myself time to think about them so they didn't bring me down. but here my life is a lot less busy which gives me excess amounts of time to do nothing but think about everything that's gone on in my life in the past year and even longer. i'm being forced to deal with a lot of things that i've been putting off dealing with for years. it's hard. it's really, really, really hard. because my defense mechanism has always been avoidance and i can't do that here so it really takes a lot out of me.
my life is so boring here. and it sucks knowing that there are so many more things i could be doing if i had a car here. do you know how depressing it is having friends from a million miles away that you never get to see be 1 hour away from you...and not being able to see them because you have no way of getting there? it sucks so hard. that happened to me twice this week. and i just feel so lonely here. none of my friends have similar interests as me and i just feel like no one really understands me...this is nothing against them, it's just sort of like i'm one of those people that, if you're going to know me, you have to know where i come from. and no one here knows where i come from. i could tell them everything that's happened to me and they still wouldn't understand because they weren't there...they didn't see what it did to me. sometimes i just wish someone were here that knows. someone that would understand why i get the way i do sometimes and just hug me without having to ask what's wrong...they should know what's wrong.
also, being so far away has sort of given me an outsider's perspective on a lot of things. it's allowed me to see a lot of things, situations and people(including myself) in a different light than i ever had before. i don't like the way things look in that light. it's making me reevaluate a lot of my relationships with people and making me wonder what's really important to me. i guess i'm just really disappointed in some of the realizations ive come to.
and to end all of this, i don't think i'll be coming home for thanksgiving. i want to come home so so sooo bad, but my flight's going to be about $60 more than i thought and i'm scared to put that much on my credit card in case i can't pay it off soon enough. *sigh* this sucks. i really needed something to make me smile. i don't smile enough here.
basically i'm just really emotionally exhausted right now...to the extent that i feel like crying all the time. my mom's been telling for a year now that i need to go on antidepressants. i think i'm finally realizing that she may be right.
if you read all that whining you're a champ and i love you. if you didn't...fuck off. i probably didn't want you to anyway.