(no subject)
The kids had some more of their Christmas chocolate stash tonight and they all shared bits and pieces with me. I still have three chunks sat here by the 'puter monitor and I can't face eating them. Maybe I *do* need a padded cell and a nice jacket that fastens at the back. Actually I'm thinking that would do me nicely right now - that or a large dose of valium...
Don't mind me, I'm just feeling very out-of-sorts today. I can't settle to anything, my minds here there and everywhere and focusing on nothing. It's not depression or anything remotely similar. Take 10 minutes ago - I'm boogying around the lounge to the CD I have playing (kids in bed, quiet house) and thinking how nice it is once I'm on my own I can just do as I please and have these *mad* moments as the kids call them. Then I see the flip side and I feel sad I have no one to share these moments of silliness with.
Yes, on my own I can come and go as I please from Friday evening to Sunday evening with no one but myself to answer to but I find myself wandering aimlessly during daylight hours with no rhyme, reason or purpose, going through the motions of *having a life*, keeping busy essentially. When I'm back home the lonliness sets in. I have nowhere to go, no mates to meet up with, no social life whatsoever outside of bookcrossing. I'm desperately lonely and it's pathetic.
As many a person has said to me before - how can *I* have nowhere to go, why am I not out letting my hair down every weekend evening, how can someone who gets on with *most* people have no bloody life? Short answer, I have no clue. Long answer, I won't push myself onto others, I wait (for eternity) to be invited anywhere, I will not walk into a bar/pub on my own unless I know they'll be someone in there I know...
I seem to have spent half my life reaching out to people only to have them take the piss. I must be doing something wrong but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. I'm content (for the most part) with *who* I am, my confidence levels have risen 200 fold since last summer but still it's not all coming together. How much longer?