VM Episode 3x03 Lamb recap (aka Vote Lamb!)
Greetings, Lambites. I’m here to give you the recap of this week’s VM episode, keeping it strictly on the D.L. (No, not on the down low - on the Don Lamb!) “But,” you say, “Lamb wasn’t even in this episode!” To which I say, “My point exactly! Why wasn’t Lamb in this episode? How would the episode have been better if Lamb had been in it? What was Lamb doing while not being in this episode?” These are important questions that demand to be answered!
So let’s begin with the first question: Why wasn’t Lamb in this episode? It seems such a cruel thing to do to his many fans, especially after his appearance last week was so short, plus he was a ginormous assball in his one scene. We want to see the softer side of Lamb (and by that I mean the posterior side).
Some of you might say that there wasn’t really a place for Lamb in this episode. But that’s simply a failure of imagination. These episodes are written by professionals who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to be creative. They could fit him in. I mean, seriously, if you had Sheriff Lamb at your beck and call, wouldn’t you find a way to have him come over, even if it were just to have him blow on your toes to dry your nail polish? (Mmmm…) Others will say that he’s simply not in the episode for budgetary reasons. This makes no rational sense to me. What amount of money would be too costly for Lamb? Have you looked at the guy? Obviously he would be a priority for the show, more so than sets and props and guest stars and whatnot. Did they really need to buy Logan a Range Rover (especially when the yellow Xterra may have been more beloved by the fans than some of the supporting characters)? And speaking of Logan, they manage to get him in every episode, and he can’t pierce your soul with an icy blue stare, plus he speaks a special dialect of Mumble that is only slightly more decipherable than Klingon. So, clearly, the budget argument holds as much water as Britney’s thong.
This leaves us with only one excuse for Lamb’s absence -- he was just too busy to be in the episode. He is the Sheriff, after all. He is an important man and has important law enforcement work to be doing. But not only that, Lamb has responsibilities far beyond putting the smackdown on Neptune’s criminal element; as of right now, he is the only person controlling the affairs of state in Balboa County. Since the Mayor (or County Commissioner, or whatever the hell he’s called) exploded in a giant fireball on his flight of shame back from Nevada, we’ve had no word of an election or anyone appointed to fill his post. Yet the citizens of Neptune are not in a state of panic. Why is that? Well, it must be because they know they’ve got a good guy in charge. Clearly, Lamb has assumed the duties of Mayor.
But it’s unfair to expect Lamb to keep doing two important jobs without gaining the recognition and salary that he deserves (not to mention a change of wardrobe). So it’s time for us, his supporters, to stand up and take him matters into our own hands. We must demand a special election, so that our sheriff can get the title he so richly deserves.
As for Lamb’s platform, there are three key reasons why he should be Mayor:
1. Many fans have expressed that there’s something missing from the show these days besides Lamb, and that’s the noir tone. We’ve got the solution. Neptune is all about noir. Noir is all about corruption. Corruption is caused by power, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Therefore, the more power Lamb has, the more opportunity he has to become corrupt. A vote for Lamb is a vote for noir.
2. Municipal elections are all about physical improvements: building roads, managing waste, maintaining parks and other public areas. Making Lamb the mayor will automatically create one major aesthetic improvement: it will get him out of that drab olive uniform. It is a crime against womanity that a man with eyes that beautiful and blue should be stuck wearing that outfit in every scene. But Mayor Lamb can wear gorgeous Armani suits in a variety of colors, tennis whites for afternoons at the club, Scottish tartan for Saturdays on the links, a sporty captain’s jacket for Sundays on his yacht. And the more corrupt Lamb gets, the more expensive and Armani his wardrobe will get.
3. Of course this isn’t just about getting Lamb into different clothes. It’s also about getting him out of his clothes. And this is why Lamb must leave the straitlaced realm of law enforcement and enter the sordid world of politics - because what’s the first thing you think of when you think of politicians? Sex scandals. This means many opportunities for Lamb to have love scenes.
Noir, nudity, and sartorial splendor - who can offer more than that? So now is the time, good citizens of RoL, that you ask not what Lamb can do for you, but what you can do for depudor Lamb. Specifically, could one of you artistically-gifted people make an icon that says:
LAMB FOR MAYOR OR COUNTY COMMISSIONER OR WHATEVER THE HELL IT’S CALLED
Or maybe just “LAMB FOR MAYOR.” They say that in politics it’s best to keep it simple.
Vote for Lamb! It’s the right thing to do. Somebody has to stand up and fight for the issues that matter.
Tune in tomorrow for our next installment: Where would Lamb have fit into this episode? How would it have been better if Lamb had been in it? What would be even hotter than Logan and Veronica making out in the stacks? Wait and see… and Vote Lamb!