I empathize with you. While I don't know you well, I do think you are putting 100% of the blame on yourself, when perhaps it's only about 50% (or less). There is a reason you chose St. John's for your undergraduate and there is also a reason you may not fit properly into society the way society would like you to. Maybe it's partly due your own fears and insecurities (but everyone has these), but I suspect it's mainly due to the fact that your education and background have not put you on a pre-made career path. It's hard to strike out on your own. Some people can do this and easily avoid these professional pathways that seem so easy and yet strip you entirely of your individuality. What you may need is a mentor, someone who has been where you are and who can help you figure out how to get from point A to point B. Maybe point B isn't really where you need to be either
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By the way, academia is not all it's cracked up to be either. I once idealized it, until I got a taste of what the hierarchies that is involved in that career field. Still, teaching is a noble thing and if you want to be a professor, you can always do this at any age.
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