The Laws of Ilyria - 14/17
Title: The Laws of Ilyria (14/17)
Author: radiogaga33
Pairing: Adam/Tommy, Adam/Kris (friendship)
Setting: Fantasy AU
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Word Count: ~6800
Beta: sweet_poeia
Disclaimers: No claims to any copyrights, trademarks, or any other intellectual property. I do not own these characters. They belong to themselves. This is purely a work of fiction. It never happened.
Author’s Notes: Pretty emotional chapter. This one definitely got to me a little. Okay, a LOT. I was definitely weeping a couple times while writing this chapter, so Kleenex alert. =)
Warnings: Pseudo-slavefic, brief descriptions of past rape and suicide.
Summary: Adam is a conquering king hell-bent on revenge against the ruler who destroyed his life as a child. He ends up taking the ruler’s son, Tommy, as tribute after winning the war between the kingdoms. Events unfold.
The Laws of Ilyria
Chapter 14
Once upon a time, several years ago, when Tommy couldn’t have been more than six or seven, he had played with fire and had gotten himself burned for his trouble. His mother had warned him over and over again, but he hadn’t listened. He was too enchanted with the light, too infatuated with the flame dancing within the glass bulb of the lamp to heed her words. So, one day, with his bottom lip caught beneath his teeth and breath held in excitement, Tommy had reached out with eager fingers, only to be laid low by searing heat and accompanying agony. He had thought then, as he cradled his injured hand and howled helplessly, that he would never feel anything like that, that nothing could ever be like that all-encompassing heat that had burned him and taught him a lesson he would never forget.
Ten seconds ago, Tommy had discovered that he was wrong.
Tommy could feel it now, searing heat crawling up his spine, tightening the muscles in his back and shoulders where he stood, rooted, unable to move. The heat had ignited a few minutes after he woke up in bed, legs tangled in the velvet bed coverings, tired and alone. Confused, he’d climbed out of bed and pulled on the undergarment he’d discarded only a few hours earlier before making love to Adam. He’d been worried as he moved, because nothing except bad news would draw Adam away from his bed and Tommy’s arms. Had there been an ambush or an accident? But as Tommy had quietly lifted the heavy fabric guarding the tent’s entrance and the sounds of strained conversation had reached his ears, worry had been chased away, first by disbelief, then by humiliation, and finally, by anger. By an all-encompassing heat.
“What else can I do? How do I tell him, Kristopher? How do I tell Tommy that his father is dead, and that it was my plan for revenge that killed him?”
“Adam…I think you just did.”
Tommy watched Adam turn around, slowly, so slowly, like a man wading through the high tide.
“What have you done?” The words tore from Tommy’s throat, rough, jagged.
“Tommy-”
“What have you done?!”
“Tommy, I can explain. Please let me explain.”
But Tommy was already moving, half running and half stumbling back into the tent. He couldn’t think. His mind was splintered, half-formed thoughts colliding into each other, leaving incoherent fragments in their wake. He had to get away so he could think, so this heat, this burning would let him loose. He heard the scramble of feet against the floor a moment after he reached the bed and the pile of clothing on the floor beside it.
“Tommy.”
“Tommy, wait.”
Kristopher’s and Adam’s voices, both, ragged and pleading. Tommy took a steadying breath and turned around to face them. He looked to Kristopher, ignoring Adam.
“What happened? When did the Runners get here?”
Kristopher glanced at Adam in hesitation.
“I asked you a question, not him,” Tommy bit out sharply. “When did the Runners get here?”
“They reached the camp an hour ago.”
“And what did they say?”
“Tommy, perhaps-”
“I want to know their exact words! I have a right to know how my father died.”
Kristopher shot Adam another quick look before answering. “They said that he died four weeks ago, and that your brother, Prince Patrick-King Patrick-killed him.”
Tommy clenched his fists tightly as his sides and told himself to breathe, that he had to breathe. “How did Patrick kill him?”
“It doesn’t matter, Tommy.”
“You let me decide that.”
“Tommy-”
“Answer me!”
“The Runners…they said Lord Ratliff was suffocated to death in his sleep.”
He was shaking. Tommy felt the tremor begin somewhere in his lower back before working its way through his body. And still, that heat, that indescribable burning heat.
“And you,” Tommy murmured, addressing Adam finally. “You knew this would happen. You wanted it to happen. You’ve been plotting this all along.”
“I can explain. Just let me explain.”
“Explain what? Explain that this is the reason you took me? I’ve managed to reach that conclusion all on my own. See? I am not a complete fool, although you obviously think I am.”
“That isn’t true,” Adam replied.
But Tommy wasn’t listening to him. Instead, he was pacing, hands balled into white-knuckled fists. “At the beginning, I would lie awake and wonder why you took me. It couldn’t have been because you wanted me. After all, you’d never seen me, and what man chooses a lover sight unseen? So then I thought, well, he must be a mad man. Because who had ever heard of such a thing, taking a prince as tribute? But then I met you, and I talked to you, and I saw that you were not insane. So then I thought, well, he is simply vain. He wants a trophy, something to crown his victory over the six kingdoms, and what better trophy than a prince of Ilyria? What better prize to march into Elysia and parade about for his citizens’ amusement.”
“Tommy, please-”
“But I was willing to overlook that, your supposed vanity. I thought to myself that even if that was the reason, surely it had changed now. I told myself that you cared for me, that you would do anything for me.”
“I do care. Tommy, believe me.”
“And all this time…all this time, you were simply waiting for the culmination of your revenge. All this time, you were playing me for a fool.” Tommy stopped pacing and faced them. “Did you two mock me behind my back? Did you watch as I rode off with the hunting party each morning and say to each other, ‘there goes that fool, Prince Thomas Joseph, the one who’ll swallow any lie you feed him’?”
“It was never like that,” Adam replied.
“Then tell me how it was! Tell me what made my father so special. Tell me why, out of all the kings you’ve conquered, you singled my father out for revenge.”
Adam took a few steps forward, arms reaching out for Tommy. “I can explain. I can explain everything.”
Tommy shrank back from his touch. “Don’t you dare! Do you think I would ever let you touch me again, now that I know what you are?! Do you think I would let you touch me now that I know that I’ve been playing whore for the man who murdered my father?!”
Adam hesitated, a wounded look racing across his face at Tommy’s words. The sight of it sharpened the heat racing through Tommy’s body. What right did he have to look like the victim after everything he’d done?
“You knew that taking me would make my father look weak. You knew that my brothers were nothing more than vipers waiting for an excuse to strike. You knew.”
“Tommy-”
“Do you deny it?”
Adam exhaled, shoulders slumping in defeat. “No. But everything changed, Tommy. You changed everything.”
“Spare me, Lord Lambert. I’ve had enough of your lies to last me ten lifetimes and more.”
There it was again, that wounded look. Tommy watched Adam’s eyes darken with hurt. “Adam,” he whispered dejectedly. “My name is Adam.”
“No. There is no ‘Adam.’ There never was. The man I thought I knew, he was just a lie. Just another one of your lies.”
“I never lied to you.”
“Yes, you did! Every waking moment, you lied. Every smile, every touch, every word, every look, every time you made love to me in this bed, you lied!” Tommy wiped angrily at the tears that had spilled over, wetting his cheeks.
“It was all true. If you’ll just let me explain, you’ll see.” Adam tried to reach for him again.
“Don’t touch me!” Tommy shouted. “Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!”
Tommy turned sharply and grabbed his tunic off the floor, the same one he’d worn at the palace in Syriana. He was breathing raggedly as he tugged the garment on. When he finally pulled his arms through and the fabric lay flat on his body, he noticed the gleaming pin attached to it, the pin Adam had given him, the pin Tommy had been wearing every moment since. Another lie.
Tommy let out a sound of disgust and yanked the pin from the tunic, ripping the delicate fabric as he pulled. “And what was this?” he asked, clutching the pin. “Another element of the ruse? Did it ever even belong to your mother? Or is it just some bauble made of pyrite and colored glass?” Tommy flung the pin to the floor. “I don’t want your worthless rubbish!”
Adam fell to his knees heavily and picked the pin off the floor. Then he turned his gaze upward, eyes bright with unshed tears. He looked shattered, and for the first time, Tommy felt hesitation thread through the heat driving him. What…? Adam’s lips hung open, like he wanted to say something, like he needed to say something, only he couldn’t make his tongue form the words. And his eyes…his eyes. Tommy had never seen anything so haunting, so impossibly blue.
Tommy couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t….
“I have to get out of here. I can’t….”
Tommy grabbed his sandals off the floor and hurried towards the entrance to the tent.
Kristopher finally spoke. “Tommy, wait.”
Tommy shot him a murderous look. “Stay out of this! This does not concern you.”
“Tommy!” Kristopher called out to him again, but Tommy didn’t listen. Instead he pushed aside the heavy fabric flap and stumbled out into the cold night air, never once casting so much as a single backward glance towards where Adam knelt, shoulders hunched and trembling, cradling the sapphire pin in his palm.
The cold air did nothing to quell the heat rushing through him. Tommy could feel it still, fire running through his veins, burning hot, riding him and casting a haze over the world. Vaguely, Tommy could make out the curious gazes of soldiers as he hurried away from Adam’s tent, soldiers no doubt awakened by the commotion they must have heard. Tommy knew what he must look like, wild-haired and moving barefooted with his sandals clutched to his chest, but he didn’t care. Let them see what their king had done to him.
Tommy didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do. All he knew was that he had to get as far away from Adam’s tent as he could. So he kept stumbling along blindly, past the captains and the archers. He had almost reached the chariotsmen when he heard the sound of running feet and a voice calling out his name.
“Tommy! Tommy, wait!”
Kristopher’s voice made Tommy stop dead in his tracks. “Leave me alone,” Tommy said without turning around.
“Tommy, please.”
Kristopher had reached him now and Tommy could hear him breathing heavily, the sound ragged and loud from running after Tommy. The man’s presence sharpened the heat driving Tommy, making it almost incandescent now. He turned around to face Kristopher.
“I’ve already told you that this doesn’t concern you.”
“Anything that has to do with Adam concerns me.” It wasn’t a challenge, Tommy knew. Kristopher spoke the words far too softly for that, but the words rankled him just the same.
“I don’t care. And I have nothing to say to you, so leave me be!”
“Tommy, please, just listen to me, just for a minute.”
“I don’t want to hear anything that liar, that…that bastard has sent you to say!”
“Adam didn’t send me.”
Tommy dropped the sandals to the ground and pressed his face into his palms. Through gritted teeth, he let out a choked, anguished cry.
“Why can’t I have a moment’s peace? What more do you people want from me?” Tommy raised his head, staring at Kristopher through fresh tears. “I have nothing left! I have no family, no kingdom, no prospects.” And no home. Tommy thought those words, but he didn’t say them aloud. He had no home because Adam had become his home. But tonight, Tommy had discovered that it was an illusion, a cruel trick. His ‘Adam’ didn’t exist.
“Tommy….”
“I have nothing, Kristopher. I have nothing, and still you want more.”
“All I want is your time and your attention. Please. Just hear me out, and then after, you can do whatever you want. If you want to leave, I’ll arrange an escort of soldiers for you. You can go. No one will stop you.”
Tommy shot him an incredulous look. “You would let me leave. He would let me leave.”
“Yes. If that is what you decide, yes.”
Tommy considered Kristopher’s words. Yes, he wanted to leave. He wanted to get as far away from the King of Elysia as he could manage.
“Alright. I’ll listen. But in your tent, not here.” Tommy cast a look of disdain about him, staring at the chariotsmen who’d risen from their slumber to discover what the commotion was all about. “I have played the fool for Elysian eyes long enough. I have entertained you all long enough.” Tommy picked up his sandals and marched forward, brushing past Kristopher’s shoulder roughly as he went. “Let’s go.”
They marched back towards Kristopher’s tent in silence, each one lost in his thoughts. The heavy quiet was pierced only by the sound of their movements, Kristopher’s sandals crunching against pebbles and earth as he walked while Tommy’s bare feet only made the softest of sounds. When he caught sight of Adam’s tent once again, Tommy averted his eyes and tried not think of the man he’d called his lover.
He failed. Instead of keeping thoughts of Adam at bay, Tommy’s efforts unhinged the floodgates, inundating him with memories. Memories of laughter and ridiculous little jokes, of easy companionship, of passion and of kindness. So many moments between them, hours and minutes pregnant with hope and bravery and caring. And every single one had been a lie.
Tommy felt the heat streak through him again. They were in Kristopher’s tent now. The midnight blue tent sat about a thirty yards away from Adam’s and was almost as large and as richly appointed as that of the king’s, not that Tommy had the wherewithal to notice. Instead, he was clenching and unclenching his fists, sandals already dropped to the floor, pacing, trying to shake himself free of the pain of Adam’s betrayal.
“Tommy?” Kristopher’s tone was cautious.
“I can’t stop thinking about everything. I can’t stop thinking about this one night, this one night when we lay in bed until morning, talking, just talking, about a million different things. Serious things like war, and politics. But silly things too, like fashion and sport and music. And we laughed, Kristopher. For hours and hours, we laughed, until our bodies ached and we’d barreled through three bottles of wines between us. And the entire time, he was playing me for a fool. I thought he was my lover and my friend, and he was lying to me.”
Kristopher made no reply. Instead he leveled an intense stare at Tommy when the other man finally stopped pacing.
“Can I ask you question?”
Tommy shrugged.
“What is that pains you? Is it that your father is dead, or that you think Adam deceived you?”
The unexpected question instantly dampened the fire coursing through Tommy’s body. It stunned him, confused him, sent his thought careening about wildly all over again. Tommy thought of that last night in Troianus when he had pleaded with his father in his bedchamber. He recalled staring at the king, at the lines in his face and the harsh set of his mouth, and being unable to summon any soft feeling for the man. When he should have been clinging to a father, all Tommy had seen that night was a king, a king who had educated him, who had treasured him above his other sons, but still a man who had never truly loved him. The despair in his eyes that night had been the sadness of losing the only worthy heir to the throne, nothing more. Tommy had barely had a moment to himself to parse through his feelings at hearing the news of his father’s death, but now that he allowed himself some introspection, he found that the devastating heat in his veins had little do to with the King of Troianus’ death and everything to do with the King of Elysia’s deceit. But he couldn’t say such a thing aloud.
So instead, Tommy squared his shoulders and said, “Both.”
Kristopher made no reply. Instead he stared at Tommy, eyes bright and knowing, like he had guessed at the truth Tommy had withheld. Tommy could barely stand the searching look.
“What is it that you wanted to say?” he asked in a bid to end Kristopher’s scrutiny.
“Tell me, what do you know about the old Queen of Elysia?”
Tommy frowned. “The same thing everyone in Ilyria knows. After King Eber died, she ruled Elysia until her own death.”
“Do you know how she died?” Kristopher asked.
“No. But what does any of that matter? What does that have to do with Adam’s revenge?”
“It matters, believe me.” The resolute, grave way Kristopher said the words sounded an alarm in Tommy’s mind. Suddenly he wasn’t so certain he wanted to hear what Kristopher had to say.
“Tell me then.”
"Twenty years ago, your father laid siege to Elysia. The war was brief, by any measure. For forty days, Elysia fought back, but our army was no match for the size and strength of your father’s army. When Elysia surrendered, your father razed half the kingdom to the ground and took all of its treasure for himself. Your father took something else too, something far more valuable than silver and gold. ”
Kristopher paused. The look of agitation on his face heightened the alarm already blaring in Tommy’s skull. He couldn’t help the feeling of dread that slithered up his spine as Kristopher began to speak again.
“Lord Ratliff stormed the Elysian palace and seized Queen Leila. He took her to bed, and he beat and raped her…repeatedly. And Adam heard it all, heard her pleas and cries for mercy, but he couldn’t save her from your father.”
The heat was completely gone now. All Tommy could feel was a certain numbness borne of sadness and shock. But there was no disbelief, no resistance. Tommy didn’t question for one moment his father’s capacity to do what Kristopher had just described. How could he, when Tommy had known the man to do far worse?
“What happened after?” Tommy’s voice had dropped to a whisper.
“Your father and his army marched out of Elysia and left behind a ruined kingdom and a broken queen. Adam tried to help her forget, but there was nothing he could do to lift her spirits. For weeks, she was like a shell of her former self. She didn’t sleep, she didn’t eat, she didn’t speak. And finally, one day, she had reached her end. Adam walked into her bedchamber and found her with a dagger clutched in her hand. He was already too late. Before he could stop her, she slit her own throat and fell to the ground. Adam screamed for help and tried to stop the bleeding with his bare hands, but it was hopeless. His mother bled to death in his arms. One night, when we were children still, Adam told me that she had died weeks before. Even before she had killed herself, she was already dead. Because of what Lord Ratliff had done to her.”
Tommy couldn’t breathe. He kept gasping for air and failing. “Oracle, help me.” Tommy stumbled backwards and sank down heavily onto Kristopher’s bed, clutching his midsection like someone had just run him through with a spear.
“Adam swore at Queen Leila’s funeral that he would make your father pay for his mother’s death. The last twenty years of his life have been about revenge. This campaign of his across Ilyria had little to do with building empire and everything to do with avenging the queen’s death. So, imagine his surprise, when at the end, he discovered that he no longer wanted revenge.”
Tommy’s head snapped up in surprise. “What?”
“Adam no longer wanted revenge. Because of you.”
“How…how can you know that?”
“He told me so. He didn’t want Lord Ratliff dead because of what it might do to you. He was willing to forgo his revenge, to turn his back on everything he had worked for over the past twenty years because he didn’t want to hurt you. If you had come out just a minute earlier tonight, you would have heard him say the same with your own ears. Adam loves you.”
Tommy let out a low, tortured sound and doubled over where he sat. The sensation that ran through him upon hearing Kristopher’s words was sharp, intense, visceral. Tommy thought of what had happened only a few hours ago, the way Adam had laid himself bare for Tommy, the way he’d trusted him. Then Tommy thought of his own mother. If anyone had done to her what his father had done to Adam’s mother, he would have done…unspeakable things, acts far worse than anything Adam had dared.
“Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!”
Tommy shuddered at the memory of what he’d said in anger. “What have I done? The things I said….”
Kristopher closed the distance between them and sat down beside Tommy on the bed. “This isn’t your fault.”
“Yes it is! I should have held on to what I knew. I should have trusted him. This was my first test of faith, Kristopher, and I failed miserably.”
Kristopher placed a reassuring hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Tommy, calm yourself.”
“How can I?! The things I said, Kristopher! The things I said! And the pin-his mother’s pin. Adam gave me his mother’s pin and I hurled it to the ground like it was worthless.”
“You didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I have to go to him.” He had to make this right.
Kristopher pulled back a little and shot him a questioning look. “Are you certain that is what you want? There is no need to decide anything tonight. What about your father?”
“I never loved him. I hate to say it, but it’s true. I feared him and I obeyed him, but I never loved him. He did…terrible things-far worse than anything you have told me tonight. But he was my father, and I did care for him. I hope that in time, I will make peace with my memories of him, but that is my burden to shoulder, not Adam’s. I won’t sacrifice my life or my happiness in some misguided attempt to honor my father’s memory. It’s as you said. Eventually all parent die, and we are the one who shall survive. I choose a life with Adam.”
“Even now that you know about his plan for revenge?”
“I would have done worse. If a man had done to my mother what my father did to Queen Leila, I would have done far worse. So, how can I judge Adam? He did what honor demands. I cannot fault him for that.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes, I am. I choose Adam. I love him.”
Finally, Kristopher relented. As Tommy watched, the other man’s face relaxed into a small but hopeful smile. And there was an odd look in Kristopher’s brown eyes, something that resembled admiration and pride. For the last four months, Tommy had thought of the man as Adam’s friend, but tonight, in this moment, Tommy suddenly realized that Kristopher had somehow become his friend as well.
“Then go to him.”
Tommy nodded in response. Then he rose from the bed and strapped on his sandals before exiting Kristopher’s tent. He would go to Adam and he would set things right between them again. He loved Adam. In all the madness of the past hour, it was the one thing of which Tommy was absolutely certain. But as he marched towards Adam’s tent, his steps slowed until he came to a complete halt a few feet away from the tent’s entrance. He kept retracing his memories of the past four months. It was as if he’d been blind before, only he hadn’t known it. Everything made sense now. Tommy understood why Adam’s eyes had grown dark at every mention of Tommy’s father, and why he’d hesitated and pulled back from Tommy time and time again. He also understood more completely now why Adam had been unable to forgive himself after that fateful night between them. But most importantly, he understood that Adam had been in pain for twenty years and was suffering even now.
That was the thought that finally propelled Tommy back into motion. He took the final steps slowly. A few moments later, he grabbed a hold of the heavy fabric at the entrance and drew a steadying breath. As he entered the tent, Tommy murmured a hasty prayer and hoped his love would be enough.
* * *
Adam was well into his third cup of wine by the time he heard the sound of the heavy fabric at the tent’s entrance being lifted and the scrape of sandals across the dark rugs that covered the ground. The man who had entered said nothing for a long while, not that Adam wanted him to. His best friend had come bearing bad news, and Adam wasn’t exactly eager to hear it said aloud. So instead of turning to greet Kristopher, he sank lower into his chair, pressing his forehead into his palm and gripping the sapphire pin in his other hand that much tighter.
An hour ago, when Kristopher had run out of the tent, frantic and desperate, Adam had tried to warn him that he was embarking on a fool’s errand.
“It’s useless. He won’t listen to you,” Adam had said when Kristopher declared that he was going after Tommy.
“I’ll make him listen. He has to.”
Kristopher’s fervor had failed to shake Adam’s resignation. “He will ask to leave. When he does, let him go. And arrange an escort of five thousand soldiers to accompany him. When the formation is ready, come fetch a royal seal from me for the men to carry on their journey back to Troianus.”
Kristopher had shot him a confused look. “But…he is tribute. He cannot abandon his obligation any more than you can disavow him. The laws of Ilyria are-”
“Please, Kristopher. Please. There is no need to recite the laws to me. I know what they say. But I also know that I won’t keep him here when he’d rather be elsewhere. You heard him. He called me…he called me a liar and a murderer, and perhaps I am both. So when he asks to leave, let him go.”
“It won’t come to that.”
Adam had finally looked up at that. He had been on the floor still, eyes cloudy and shoulders slumped in defeat, cradling his mother’s sapphire pin.
“Yes it will,” Adam had said quietly. But Kristopher was already slipping out of the tent, jaw clenched tight and eyes blazing with intent.
Adam couldn’t be certain of how long he’d remained on the floor, clutching that pin and replaying Tommy’s words over and over again in his head like some recurring nightmare. Each time he blinked, he would see Tommy’s face, eyes blazing with anger and utter disdain as he’d ripped off the sapphire pin from his tunic and hurled it to the floor. Like it was worthless , one part of him would whisper darkly. But it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know, another part of him would reply.
When Adam finally pulled himself off the floor and sank down onto a chair at his table, those two halves of him were still waging war against each other. Adam felt dizzy from the conflicting emotions, the contradictory thoughts. Every breath he took felt like a Herculean feat. He couldn’t pull the air into his lungs forcefully enough, he couldn’t hold on to a singular thought long enough, he couldn’t-he couldn’t catch one moment, one moment free of the madness spinning about in his head.
He felt like screaming, like shouting at the top of his lungs until his throat was raw. He felt like crying-finally, at long last. He hadn’t cried once in twenty years, not since that day he’d stood before his mother’s funeral pyre and vowed revenge. He felt like hurling something, like smashing everything around him into a million pieces. But he did none of these things. Instead he opened a bottle and drained two cupfuls in the space of a few minutes. And as he poured himself a third cup, he closed his eyes and tried not to think of a lifetime spent like this, trying to drink Tommy’s memory away.
Adam raised his head once again and picked up the goblet with his free hand. He drank slowly, taking his time, waiting for Kristopher to speak. When the silence dragged on still, Adam finally spoke.
“Have you come to fetch the seal?” His question was met with silence. “Kristopher?”
Adam finally turned towards the entrance to the tent with a frown of confusion only to feel his heart skid to a complete halt. Tommy. The man Adam had called his lover shuffled about on his feet a little, hands clasped together in front of him and eyes dark with some unfathomable emotion. Adam pushed back the wild hope fluttering in his chest and reminded himself of what had happened only an hour ago. “Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!” Adam gripped the sapphire pin tighter. Hope was a useless indulgence.
“I’ve come back.”
Adam stared at him for a long moment before replying. “I see that.” Another pause. “Why did you?”
Tommy walked in further, stopping only when he was standing a few feet away from the table. “Because I should not have left in the first instance.” Tommy cast a quick glance at the bottle of wine. “And because it’s bad manners to let a man drink alone.”
Adam didn’t react to Tommy’s attempt at levity. “Is that so?” he replied in an emotionless tone.
Tommy pressed on, seemingly undeterred. “Yes. And when that man is your lover, well, it’s downright unforgivable.”
His lover. Tommy had referred to Adam as his lover. The knowledge of it loosened something deep down in Adam’s gut, something heavy and burning hot. Something overwhelming and terrifying. Adam pushed it back down as hard as he could, all the while reminding himself that hope was useless.
“Then perhaps you should sit down…Tommy-or is it Thomas? Or even better, Prince Thomas Joseph? I don’t know what to call you anymore.”
Adam instantly regretted his words when he saw the flash of hurt that raced across Tommy’s face.
“‘Tommy.’ My name is Tommy. That will never change when it comes to you.”
Adam swallowed hard and nodded briefly, unable to form a reply to those simple words that held so much meaning, so many implied promises. He watched Tommy close the remaining distance between them and slide into a chair opposite him.
When Tommy was seated, Adam pushed the bottle toward him. “Have at it then,” he said simply, before handing Tommy one of the empty goblets on the table.
Tommy poured himself a cupful and sipped slowly, watching Adam over the gilded rim of the goblet in his hand. His scrutiny was disconcerting. It made Adam shift in his seat nervously, gaze firmly trained on some spot over Tommy’s left shoulder. After several minutes, Tommy finally broke the heavy silence.
“I loved my mother.” Adam’s gaze swung back to his face in surprise.
“She’s the only other person I’ve ever loved,” Tommy continued. “And if someone had done to her what my father did your mother, if I’d watched her die like you did yours, I would have killed the man the first chance I got, laws of Ilyria be damned.”
“Kristopher told you.”
“Yes. He told me everything.”
“And that’s why you’ve returned.”
“Partly, yes. I cannot fault you for doing what I would’ve done. But…I can’t pretend that I don’t care about what has happened. My father was…a difficult man, but I still cared for him in my own small way. I won’t pretend that this is easy for me. But I also won’t pretend that he was something other than what he was. I won’t make a saint out a sinner simply because he has died.”
Adam lost the fight against that thing, that overwhelming emotion that had unfurled in the pit of his stomach. He could feel it clawing its way through his chest as the seconds ticked by.
“Is that all?” he asked, voice tight and hoarse.
“No. I also came back to apologize to you. The things I said before, you have to know that I didn’t mean any of it. Not one word. I swear.”
Adam was trembling now. The goblet in his hand shook precariously as he raised it to his lips. He took a fortifying swallow and set the cup back onto the table.
“So, was it your father?” Adam asked when he was finally able to speak again.
“What do you mean?”
“You said that your mother was the only other person you’ve ever loved. Who was the second person? Lord Ratliff?”
“No.”
“Then who was it?”
“You, Adam. The second person is you.”
Love. Tommy loved him. Tommy loved-Adam realized with a start that the harsh sounds filling the tent were coming from him. He was hyperventilating.
“Adam?”
Adam heard Tommy’s voice as if it was coming from a distance. He could barely hear anything above the sound of the blood roaring in his ears. He pushed away from the table and stood up on unsteady feet, managing only a backward step or two before crumbling to his knees with a pained cry. It felt like a dam had finally given. All at once, everything he’d ever held back in the last twenty years spilled from him in a cascade of emotion. His chest heaved and his shoulders shook as he cried for the first time in two decades. Adam cried for everything that he had lost, for all the endless years he had gone without, for every unbearable nightmare, for every battle fought and every drop of blood spilled in the name of revenge, for every moment he had wanted his mother beside him so badly that the desire had felt like a dagger twisting cruelly in his chest.
“Adam. Please don’t-Adam, it’s alright. Adam, please.”
He felt Tommy fall to his knees in front of him and pull him close. Adam leaned into the embrace, free hand gripping a fistful of Tommy’s tunic as painful sobs racked his body, shaking him to his core.
“I tried to save her. I swear I did. But she slit her throat before I could reach her. I tried to stop the bleeding. I pressed down on the wound and cried for help. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t-there was so much blood. So much blood. I couldn’t stop it. If I’d been faster, if I’d tried harder, she might have lived. I failed.”
“Adam, you did nothing wrong.”
“Yes, I did! I failed. I failed her and I failed you. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t know what to do. It was too late by the time I realized what you meant to me. Even if I’d let you go, even if I’d sent you back to Troianus, it would’ve been too late. The moment I took you, the damage was done. I’m so sorry, Tommy. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me.”
“I believe you. Adam, I believe you.”
Tommy pulled Adam even closer, holding on to him fiercely as a fresh flood of tears spilled from him. Adam clung to him for dear life until the cascade of emotion ebbed and he could finally breathe properly once again. He pulled back from Tommy then, just enough so that he could look into his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. It’s over now. My father, your mother…it’s finally finished. But we are still alive. You and I are still here. Someone told me once that eventually all parent die, and we are the ones who shall survive to enjoy or to endure whatever life we’ve made for ourselves. I don’t want to live a life without you in it. I don’t want to live a half-life. I refuse to.”
“You’re staying,” Adam breathed, incredulity evident in his barely audible words.
“Of course I’m staying. You can’t be rid of me so easily.” Tommy flashed him a small smile.
Adam swallowed hard around the rush of feeling tightening his chest and tried to give Tommy something that he hoped looked like a smile.
“Adam?”
“Yes?”
“I…I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything,” Adam replied immediately.
“I need you to promise me that from now on, there’ll be no more secrets between us. No more lies or omissions. I need you to promise me that nothing will ever come between us again. And I need you to promise that you’ll never let go. Can you promise me that? Can you do that for me?”
“I’d move heaven and earth if you asked me to. I promise. I promise that I’ll never let anything come between us again. And I promise that I’ll never let go.”
The smile that greeted Adam’s words was blinding.
“I love you,” Tommy said. But before Adam could form a reply, Tommy was leaning forward, sliding his hand into Adam’s tousled hair and pulling him forward into a soft, slow kiss.
After a long moment, Tommy pulled back and smiled again. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
Adam let Tommy lead him toward the bed. He raised his arms when directed, letting Tommy pull his tunic off his body. Then he settled beneath the velvet bed coverings. He stared down at the sapphire pin still clutched in his palm, watching the play of light across the gleaming gemstones while Tommy undressed.
“This belongs to you,” Adam said softly, holding out the pin to Tommy after he’d climbed into bed beside Adam.
Tommy stared at the pin, hesitating. “You still want me to have it? Even after what I did?”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have known better. I should have-”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Adam repeated resolutely. “It’s as you said. It’s over now. Everything that came before is finally finished. And I still want you to have this.”
Tommy nodded and took the pin from Adam’s outstretched hand. Then he pressed a kiss to the gleaming surface before setting it down gently on the bedside table. When Tommy turned back, he curled against Adam’s body and pressed his head to Adam’s naked chest.
“I’ve heard it said before that Queen Leila was the most beautiful woman in all of Ilyria. Is it true?”
Adam thought of his mother’s radiant smile. “Yes, it’s true.”
“Tell me about her. I want to know everything about her.”
Adam did. He told Tommy everything about his mother, retraced every last childhood memory for him. And when he was done, Tommy told Adam all about his own mother. They talked late into the night, and when morning came, they were still awake, trading stories long after the morning bell had been rung. They were still in bed when Kristopher entered the tent about an hour after the bell had sounded.
“Forgive me for interrupting, but we need to know what’s happening. Are we moving soon?”
Tommy spoke up before Adam could answer Kristopher’s question.
“No. The caravan will not march today.”
Adam shot Tommy a surprised look. If Tommy noticed, he chose to ignore it.
“What reason shall I give?” Kristopher asked.
“Tell them that today shall be a day of quiet and of rest. Tell them that today, we honor the old Queen of Elysia with our silence.”
Adam let out a soft gasp of surprise. He was floored. For his part, Kristopher was practically beaming, soft brown eyes aglow with admiration.
“Yes, my lord,” Kristopher replied to Tommy.
Adam gasped again-only this time, he was joined by Tommy. Still morning, and already this day was filled with surprises. “I’ll tell everyone straight away. And I’ll see to it that you aren’t disturbed.” Kristopher gave a slight bow and slipped out of the tent.
“Wonders shall never cease,” Tommy murmured in an amused tone when Kristopher was gone.
Adam smiled sleepily in response. A moment later, he yawned mightily. Exhaustion had finally caught up with him.
“Sleep,” Tommy whispered.
He didn’t need to. Adam was already sliding towards oblivion. He’d never felt so tired in all his life. And yet he fought the inevitable. He struggled against the inexorable pull, trying to speak. Adam wanted to tell Tommy that he loved him too.
“Tommy.…”
Tommy hushed him. “Sleep.”
“But I want to tell you…I want to tell you….” Adam yawned again, softer this time, as his eyelids slid closed.
“Shhhh. It’s alright. I already know. And I love you too.”
A split-second later, Adam was fast asleep.
Author: radiogaga33
Pairing: Adam/Tommy, Adam/Kris (friendship)
Setting: Fantasy AU
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Word Count: ~6800
Beta: sweet_poeia
Disclaimers: No claims to any copyrights, trademarks, or any other intellectual property. I do not own these characters. They belong to themselves. This is purely a work of fiction. It never happened.
Author’s Notes: Pretty emotional chapter. This one definitely got to me a little. Okay, a LOT. I was definitely weeping a couple times while writing this chapter, so Kleenex alert. =)
Warnings: Pseudo-slavefic, brief descriptions of past rape and suicide.
Summary: Adam is a conquering king hell-bent on revenge against the ruler who destroyed his life as a child. He ends up taking the ruler’s son, Tommy, as tribute after winning the war between the kingdoms. Events unfold.
The Laws of Ilyria
Chapter 14
Once upon a time, several years ago, when Tommy couldn’t have been more than six or seven, he had played with fire and had gotten himself burned for his trouble. His mother had warned him over and over again, but he hadn’t listened. He was too enchanted with the light, too infatuated with the flame dancing within the glass bulb of the lamp to heed her words. So, one day, with his bottom lip caught beneath his teeth and breath held in excitement, Tommy had reached out with eager fingers, only to be laid low by searing heat and accompanying agony. He had thought then, as he cradled his injured hand and howled helplessly, that he would never feel anything like that, that nothing could ever be like that all-encompassing heat that had burned him and taught him a lesson he would never forget.
Ten seconds ago, Tommy had discovered that he was wrong.
Tommy could feel it now, searing heat crawling up his spine, tightening the muscles in his back and shoulders where he stood, rooted, unable to move. The heat had ignited a few minutes after he woke up in bed, legs tangled in the velvet bed coverings, tired and alone. Confused, he’d climbed out of bed and pulled on the undergarment he’d discarded only a few hours earlier before making love to Adam. He’d been worried as he moved, because nothing except bad news would draw Adam away from his bed and Tommy’s arms. Had there been an ambush or an accident? But as Tommy had quietly lifted the heavy fabric guarding the tent’s entrance and the sounds of strained conversation had reached his ears, worry had been chased away, first by disbelief, then by humiliation, and finally, by anger. By an all-encompassing heat.
“What else can I do? How do I tell him, Kristopher? How do I tell Tommy that his father is dead, and that it was my plan for revenge that killed him?”
“Adam…I think you just did.”
Tommy watched Adam turn around, slowly, so slowly, like a man wading through the high tide.
“What have you done?” The words tore from Tommy’s throat, rough, jagged.
“Tommy-”
“What have you done?!”
“Tommy, I can explain. Please let me explain.”
But Tommy was already moving, half running and half stumbling back into the tent. He couldn’t think. His mind was splintered, half-formed thoughts colliding into each other, leaving incoherent fragments in their wake. He had to get away so he could think, so this heat, this burning would let him loose. He heard the scramble of feet against the floor a moment after he reached the bed and the pile of clothing on the floor beside it.
“Tommy.”
“Tommy, wait.”
Kristopher’s and Adam’s voices, both, ragged and pleading. Tommy took a steadying breath and turned around to face them. He looked to Kristopher, ignoring Adam.
“What happened? When did the Runners get here?”
Kristopher glanced at Adam in hesitation.
“I asked you a question, not him,” Tommy bit out sharply. “When did the Runners get here?”
“They reached the camp an hour ago.”
“And what did they say?”
“Tommy, perhaps-”
“I want to know their exact words! I have a right to know how my father died.”
Kristopher shot Adam another quick look before answering. “They said that he died four weeks ago, and that your brother, Prince Patrick-King Patrick-killed him.”
Tommy clenched his fists tightly as his sides and told himself to breathe, that he had to breathe. “How did Patrick kill him?”
“It doesn’t matter, Tommy.”
“You let me decide that.”
“Tommy-”
“Answer me!”
“The Runners…they said Lord Ratliff was suffocated to death in his sleep.”
He was shaking. Tommy felt the tremor begin somewhere in his lower back before working its way through his body. And still, that heat, that indescribable burning heat.
“And you,” Tommy murmured, addressing Adam finally. “You knew this would happen. You wanted it to happen. You’ve been plotting this all along.”
“I can explain. Just let me explain.”
“Explain what? Explain that this is the reason you took me? I’ve managed to reach that conclusion all on my own. See? I am not a complete fool, although you obviously think I am.”
“That isn’t true,” Adam replied.
But Tommy wasn’t listening to him. Instead, he was pacing, hands balled into white-knuckled fists. “At the beginning, I would lie awake and wonder why you took me. It couldn’t have been because you wanted me. After all, you’d never seen me, and what man chooses a lover sight unseen? So then I thought, well, he must be a mad man. Because who had ever heard of such a thing, taking a prince as tribute? But then I met you, and I talked to you, and I saw that you were not insane. So then I thought, well, he is simply vain. He wants a trophy, something to crown his victory over the six kingdoms, and what better trophy than a prince of Ilyria? What better prize to march into Elysia and parade about for his citizens’ amusement.”
“Tommy, please-”
“But I was willing to overlook that, your supposed vanity. I thought to myself that even if that was the reason, surely it had changed now. I told myself that you cared for me, that you would do anything for me.”
“I do care. Tommy, believe me.”
“And all this time…all this time, you were simply waiting for the culmination of your revenge. All this time, you were playing me for a fool.” Tommy stopped pacing and faced them. “Did you two mock me behind my back? Did you watch as I rode off with the hunting party each morning and say to each other, ‘there goes that fool, Prince Thomas Joseph, the one who’ll swallow any lie you feed him’?”
“It was never like that,” Adam replied.
“Then tell me how it was! Tell me what made my father so special. Tell me why, out of all the kings you’ve conquered, you singled my father out for revenge.”
Adam took a few steps forward, arms reaching out for Tommy. “I can explain. I can explain everything.”
Tommy shrank back from his touch. “Don’t you dare! Do you think I would ever let you touch me again, now that I know what you are?! Do you think I would let you touch me now that I know that I’ve been playing whore for the man who murdered my father?!”
Adam hesitated, a wounded look racing across his face at Tommy’s words. The sight of it sharpened the heat racing through Tommy’s body. What right did he have to look like the victim after everything he’d done?
“You knew that taking me would make my father look weak. You knew that my brothers were nothing more than vipers waiting for an excuse to strike. You knew.”
“Tommy-”
“Do you deny it?”
Adam exhaled, shoulders slumping in defeat. “No. But everything changed, Tommy. You changed everything.”
“Spare me, Lord Lambert. I’ve had enough of your lies to last me ten lifetimes and more.”
There it was again, that wounded look. Tommy watched Adam’s eyes darken with hurt. “Adam,” he whispered dejectedly. “My name is Adam.”
“No. There is no ‘Adam.’ There never was. The man I thought I knew, he was just a lie. Just another one of your lies.”
“I never lied to you.”
“Yes, you did! Every waking moment, you lied. Every smile, every touch, every word, every look, every time you made love to me in this bed, you lied!” Tommy wiped angrily at the tears that had spilled over, wetting his cheeks.
“It was all true. If you’ll just let me explain, you’ll see.” Adam tried to reach for him again.
“Don’t touch me!” Tommy shouted. “Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!”
Tommy turned sharply and grabbed his tunic off the floor, the same one he’d worn at the palace in Syriana. He was breathing raggedly as he tugged the garment on. When he finally pulled his arms through and the fabric lay flat on his body, he noticed the gleaming pin attached to it, the pin Adam had given him, the pin Tommy had been wearing every moment since. Another lie.
Tommy let out a sound of disgust and yanked the pin from the tunic, ripping the delicate fabric as he pulled. “And what was this?” he asked, clutching the pin. “Another element of the ruse? Did it ever even belong to your mother? Or is it just some bauble made of pyrite and colored glass?” Tommy flung the pin to the floor. “I don’t want your worthless rubbish!”
Adam fell to his knees heavily and picked the pin off the floor. Then he turned his gaze upward, eyes bright with unshed tears. He looked shattered, and for the first time, Tommy felt hesitation thread through the heat driving him. What…? Adam’s lips hung open, like he wanted to say something, like he needed to say something, only he couldn’t make his tongue form the words. And his eyes…his eyes. Tommy had never seen anything so haunting, so impossibly blue.
Tommy couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t….
“I have to get out of here. I can’t….”
Tommy grabbed his sandals off the floor and hurried towards the entrance to the tent.
Kristopher finally spoke. “Tommy, wait.”
Tommy shot him a murderous look. “Stay out of this! This does not concern you.”
“Tommy!” Kristopher called out to him again, but Tommy didn’t listen. Instead he pushed aside the heavy fabric flap and stumbled out into the cold night air, never once casting so much as a single backward glance towards where Adam knelt, shoulders hunched and trembling, cradling the sapphire pin in his palm.
The cold air did nothing to quell the heat rushing through him. Tommy could feel it still, fire running through his veins, burning hot, riding him and casting a haze over the world. Vaguely, Tommy could make out the curious gazes of soldiers as he hurried away from Adam’s tent, soldiers no doubt awakened by the commotion they must have heard. Tommy knew what he must look like, wild-haired and moving barefooted with his sandals clutched to his chest, but he didn’t care. Let them see what their king had done to him.
Tommy didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do. All he knew was that he had to get as far away from Adam’s tent as he could. So he kept stumbling along blindly, past the captains and the archers. He had almost reached the chariotsmen when he heard the sound of running feet and a voice calling out his name.
“Tommy! Tommy, wait!”
Kristopher’s voice made Tommy stop dead in his tracks. “Leave me alone,” Tommy said without turning around.
“Tommy, please.”
Kristopher had reached him now and Tommy could hear him breathing heavily, the sound ragged and loud from running after Tommy. The man’s presence sharpened the heat driving Tommy, making it almost incandescent now. He turned around to face Kristopher.
“I’ve already told you that this doesn’t concern you.”
“Anything that has to do with Adam concerns me.” It wasn’t a challenge, Tommy knew. Kristopher spoke the words far too softly for that, but the words rankled him just the same.
“I don’t care. And I have nothing to say to you, so leave me be!”
“Tommy, please, just listen to me, just for a minute.”
“I don’t want to hear anything that liar, that…that bastard has sent you to say!”
“Adam didn’t send me.”
Tommy dropped the sandals to the ground and pressed his face into his palms. Through gritted teeth, he let out a choked, anguished cry.
“Why can’t I have a moment’s peace? What more do you people want from me?” Tommy raised his head, staring at Kristopher through fresh tears. “I have nothing left! I have no family, no kingdom, no prospects.” And no home. Tommy thought those words, but he didn’t say them aloud. He had no home because Adam had become his home. But tonight, Tommy had discovered that it was an illusion, a cruel trick. His ‘Adam’ didn’t exist.
“Tommy….”
“I have nothing, Kristopher. I have nothing, and still you want more.”
“All I want is your time and your attention. Please. Just hear me out, and then after, you can do whatever you want. If you want to leave, I’ll arrange an escort of soldiers for you. You can go. No one will stop you.”
Tommy shot him an incredulous look. “You would let me leave. He would let me leave.”
“Yes. If that is what you decide, yes.”
Tommy considered Kristopher’s words. Yes, he wanted to leave. He wanted to get as far away from the King of Elysia as he could manage.
“Alright. I’ll listen. But in your tent, not here.” Tommy cast a look of disdain about him, staring at the chariotsmen who’d risen from their slumber to discover what the commotion was all about. “I have played the fool for Elysian eyes long enough. I have entertained you all long enough.” Tommy picked up his sandals and marched forward, brushing past Kristopher’s shoulder roughly as he went. “Let’s go.”
They marched back towards Kristopher’s tent in silence, each one lost in his thoughts. The heavy quiet was pierced only by the sound of their movements, Kristopher’s sandals crunching against pebbles and earth as he walked while Tommy’s bare feet only made the softest of sounds. When he caught sight of Adam’s tent once again, Tommy averted his eyes and tried not think of the man he’d called his lover.
He failed. Instead of keeping thoughts of Adam at bay, Tommy’s efforts unhinged the floodgates, inundating him with memories. Memories of laughter and ridiculous little jokes, of easy companionship, of passion and of kindness. So many moments between them, hours and minutes pregnant with hope and bravery and caring. And every single one had been a lie.
Tommy felt the heat streak through him again. They were in Kristopher’s tent now. The midnight blue tent sat about a thirty yards away from Adam’s and was almost as large and as richly appointed as that of the king’s, not that Tommy had the wherewithal to notice. Instead, he was clenching and unclenching his fists, sandals already dropped to the floor, pacing, trying to shake himself free of the pain of Adam’s betrayal.
“Tommy?” Kristopher’s tone was cautious.
“I can’t stop thinking about everything. I can’t stop thinking about this one night, this one night when we lay in bed until morning, talking, just talking, about a million different things. Serious things like war, and politics. But silly things too, like fashion and sport and music. And we laughed, Kristopher. For hours and hours, we laughed, until our bodies ached and we’d barreled through three bottles of wines between us. And the entire time, he was playing me for a fool. I thought he was my lover and my friend, and he was lying to me.”
Kristopher made no reply. Instead he leveled an intense stare at Tommy when the other man finally stopped pacing.
“Can I ask you question?”
Tommy shrugged.
“What is that pains you? Is it that your father is dead, or that you think Adam deceived you?”
The unexpected question instantly dampened the fire coursing through Tommy’s body. It stunned him, confused him, sent his thought careening about wildly all over again. Tommy thought of that last night in Troianus when he had pleaded with his father in his bedchamber. He recalled staring at the king, at the lines in his face and the harsh set of his mouth, and being unable to summon any soft feeling for the man. When he should have been clinging to a father, all Tommy had seen that night was a king, a king who had educated him, who had treasured him above his other sons, but still a man who had never truly loved him. The despair in his eyes that night had been the sadness of losing the only worthy heir to the throne, nothing more. Tommy had barely had a moment to himself to parse through his feelings at hearing the news of his father’s death, but now that he allowed himself some introspection, he found that the devastating heat in his veins had little do to with the King of Troianus’ death and everything to do with the King of Elysia’s deceit. But he couldn’t say such a thing aloud.
So instead, Tommy squared his shoulders and said, “Both.”
Kristopher made no reply. Instead he stared at Tommy, eyes bright and knowing, like he had guessed at the truth Tommy had withheld. Tommy could barely stand the searching look.
“What is it that you wanted to say?” he asked in a bid to end Kristopher’s scrutiny.
“Tell me, what do you know about the old Queen of Elysia?”
Tommy frowned. “The same thing everyone in Ilyria knows. After King Eber died, she ruled Elysia until her own death.”
“Do you know how she died?” Kristopher asked.
“No. But what does any of that matter? What does that have to do with Adam’s revenge?”
“It matters, believe me.” The resolute, grave way Kristopher said the words sounded an alarm in Tommy’s mind. Suddenly he wasn’t so certain he wanted to hear what Kristopher had to say.
“Tell me then.”
"Twenty years ago, your father laid siege to Elysia. The war was brief, by any measure. For forty days, Elysia fought back, but our army was no match for the size and strength of your father’s army. When Elysia surrendered, your father razed half the kingdom to the ground and took all of its treasure for himself. Your father took something else too, something far more valuable than silver and gold. ”
Kristopher paused. The look of agitation on his face heightened the alarm already blaring in Tommy’s skull. He couldn’t help the feeling of dread that slithered up his spine as Kristopher began to speak again.
“Lord Ratliff stormed the Elysian palace and seized Queen Leila. He took her to bed, and he beat and raped her…repeatedly. And Adam heard it all, heard her pleas and cries for mercy, but he couldn’t save her from your father.”
The heat was completely gone now. All Tommy could feel was a certain numbness borne of sadness and shock. But there was no disbelief, no resistance. Tommy didn’t question for one moment his father’s capacity to do what Kristopher had just described. How could he, when Tommy had known the man to do far worse?
“What happened after?” Tommy’s voice had dropped to a whisper.
“Your father and his army marched out of Elysia and left behind a ruined kingdom and a broken queen. Adam tried to help her forget, but there was nothing he could do to lift her spirits. For weeks, she was like a shell of her former self. She didn’t sleep, she didn’t eat, she didn’t speak. And finally, one day, she had reached her end. Adam walked into her bedchamber and found her with a dagger clutched in her hand. He was already too late. Before he could stop her, she slit her own throat and fell to the ground. Adam screamed for help and tried to stop the bleeding with his bare hands, but it was hopeless. His mother bled to death in his arms. One night, when we were children still, Adam told me that she had died weeks before. Even before she had killed herself, she was already dead. Because of what Lord Ratliff had done to her.”
Tommy couldn’t breathe. He kept gasping for air and failing. “Oracle, help me.” Tommy stumbled backwards and sank down heavily onto Kristopher’s bed, clutching his midsection like someone had just run him through with a spear.
“Adam swore at Queen Leila’s funeral that he would make your father pay for his mother’s death. The last twenty years of his life have been about revenge. This campaign of his across Ilyria had little to do with building empire and everything to do with avenging the queen’s death. So, imagine his surprise, when at the end, he discovered that he no longer wanted revenge.”
Tommy’s head snapped up in surprise. “What?”
“Adam no longer wanted revenge. Because of you.”
“How…how can you know that?”
“He told me so. He didn’t want Lord Ratliff dead because of what it might do to you. He was willing to forgo his revenge, to turn his back on everything he had worked for over the past twenty years because he didn’t want to hurt you. If you had come out just a minute earlier tonight, you would have heard him say the same with your own ears. Adam loves you.”
Tommy let out a low, tortured sound and doubled over where he sat. The sensation that ran through him upon hearing Kristopher’s words was sharp, intense, visceral. Tommy thought of what had happened only a few hours ago, the way Adam had laid himself bare for Tommy, the way he’d trusted him. Then Tommy thought of his own mother. If anyone had done to her what his father had done to Adam’s mother, he would have done…unspeakable things, acts far worse than anything Adam had dared.
“Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!”
Tommy shuddered at the memory of what he’d said in anger. “What have I done? The things I said….”
Kristopher closed the distance between them and sat down beside Tommy on the bed. “This isn’t your fault.”
“Yes it is! I should have held on to what I knew. I should have trusted him. This was my first test of faith, Kristopher, and I failed miserably.”
Kristopher placed a reassuring hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Tommy, calm yourself.”
“How can I?! The things I said, Kristopher! The things I said! And the pin-his mother’s pin. Adam gave me his mother’s pin and I hurled it to the ground like it was worthless.”
“You didn’t know. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I have to go to him.” He had to make this right.
Kristopher pulled back a little and shot him a questioning look. “Are you certain that is what you want? There is no need to decide anything tonight. What about your father?”
“I never loved him. I hate to say it, but it’s true. I feared him and I obeyed him, but I never loved him. He did…terrible things-far worse than anything you have told me tonight. But he was my father, and I did care for him. I hope that in time, I will make peace with my memories of him, but that is my burden to shoulder, not Adam’s. I won’t sacrifice my life or my happiness in some misguided attempt to honor my father’s memory. It’s as you said. Eventually all parent die, and we are the one who shall survive. I choose a life with Adam.”
“Even now that you know about his plan for revenge?”
“I would have done worse. If a man had done to my mother what my father did to Queen Leila, I would have done far worse. So, how can I judge Adam? He did what honor demands. I cannot fault him for that.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yes, I am. I choose Adam. I love him.”
Finally, Kristopher relented. As Tommy watched, the other man’s face relaxed into a small but hopeful smile. And there was an odd look in Kristopher’s brown eyes, something that resembled admiration and pride. For the last four months, Tommy had thought of the man as Adam’s friend, but tonight, in this moment, Tommy suddenly realized that Kristopher had somehow become his friend as well.
“Then go to him.”
Tommy nodded in response. Then he rose from the bed and strapped on his sandals before exiting Kristopher’s tent. He would go to Adam and he would set things right between them again. He loved Adam. In all the madness of the past hour, it was the one thing of which Tommy was absolutely certain. But as he marched towards Adam’s tent, his steps slowed until he came to a complete halt a few feet away from the tent’s entrance. He kept retracing his memories of the past four months. It was as if he’d been blind before, only he hadn’t known it. Everything made sense now. Tommy understood why Adam’s eyes had grown dark at every mention of Tommy’s father, and why he’d hesitated and pulled back from Tommy time and time again. He also understood more completely now why Adam had been unable to forgive himself after that fateful night between them. But most importantly, he understood that Adam had been in pain for twenty years and was suffering even now.
That was the thought that finally propelled Tommy back into motion. He took the final steps slowly. A few moments later, he grabbed a hold of the heavy fabric at the entrance and drew a steadying breath. As he entered the tent, Tommy murmured a hasty prayer and hoped his love would be enough.
* * *
Adam was well into his third cup of wine by the time he heard the sound of the heavy fabric at the tent’s entrance being lifted and the scrape of sandals across the dark rugs that covered the ground. The man who had entered said nothing for a long while, not that Adam wanted him to. His best friend had come bearing bad news, and Adam wasn’t exactly eager to hear it said aloud. So instead of turning to greet Kristopher, he sank lower into his chair, pressing his forehead into his palm and gripping the sapphire pin in his other hand that much tighter.
An hour ago, when Kristopher had run out of the tent, frantic and desperate, Adam had tried to warn him that he was embarking on a fool’s errand.
“It’s useless. He won’t listen to you,” Adam had said when Kristopher declared that he was going after Tommy.
“I’ll make him listen. He has to.”
Kristopher’s fervor had failed to shake Adam’s resignation. “He will ask to leave. When he does, let him go. And arrange an escort of five thousand soldiers to accompany him. When the formation is ready, come fetch a royal seal from me for the men to carry on their journey back to Troianus.”
Kristopher had shot him a confused look. “But…he is tribute. He cannot abandon his obligation any more than you can disavow him. The laws of Ilyria are-”
“Please, Kristopher. Please. There is no need to recite the laws to me. I know what they say. But I also know that I won’t keep him here when he’d rather be elsewhere. You heard him. He called me…he called me a liar and a murderer, and perhaps I am both. So when he asks to leave, let him go.”
“It won’t come to that.”
Adam had finally looked up at that. He had been on the floor still, eyes cloudy and shoulders slumped in defeat, cradling his mother’s sapphire pin.
“Yes it will,” Adam had said quietly. But Kristopher was already slipping out of the tent, jaw clenched tight and eyes blazing with intent.
Adam couldn’t be certain of how long he’d remained on the floor, clutching that pin and replaying Tommy’s words over and over again in his head like some recurring nightmare. Each time he blinked, he would see Tommy’s face, eyes blazing with anger and utter disdain as he’d ripped off the sapphire pin from his tunic and hurled it to the floor. Like it was worthless , one part of him would whisper darkly. But it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know, another part of him would reply.
When Adam finally pulled himself off the floor and sank down onto a chair at his table, those two halves of him were still waging war against each other. Adam felt dizzy from the conflicting emotions, the contradictory thoughts. Every breath he took felt like a Herculean feat. He couldn’t pull the air into his lungs forcefully enough, he couldn’t hold on to a singular thought long enough, he couldn’t-he couldn’t catch one moment, one moment free of the madness spinning about in his head.
He felt like screaming, like shouting at the top of his lungs until his throat was raw. He felt like crying-finally, at long last. He hadn’t cried once in twenty years, not since that day he’d stood before his mother’s funeral pyre and vowed revenge. He felt like hurling something, like smashing everything around him into a million pieces. But he did none of these things. Instead he opened a bottle and drained two cupfuls in the space of a few minutes. And as he poured himself a third cup, he closed his eyes and tried not to think of a lifetime spent like this, trying to drink Tommy’s memory away.
Adam raised his head once again and picked up the goblet with his free hand. He drank slowly, taking his time, waiting for Kristopher to speak. When the silence dragged on still, Adam finally spoke.
“Have you come to fetch the seal?” His question was met with silence. “Kristopher?”
Adam finally turned towards the entrance to the tent with a frown of confusion only to feel his heart skid to a complete halt. Tommy. The man Adam had called his lover shuffled about on his feet a little, hands clasped together in front of him and eyes dark with some unfathomable emotion. Adam pushed back the wild hope fluttering in his chest and reminded himself of what had happened only an hour ago. “Don’t touch me! Liar! Murderer!” Adam gripped the sapphire pin tighter. Hope was a useless indulgence.
“I’ve come back.”
Adam stared at him for a long moment before replying. “I see that.” Another pause. “Why did you?”
Tommy walked in further, stopping only when he was standing a few feet away from the table. “Because I should not have left in the first instance.” Tommy cast a quick glance at the bottle of wine. “And because it’s bad manners to let a man drink alone.”
Adam didn’t react to Tommy’s attempt at levity. “Is that so?” he replied in an emotionless tone.
Tommy pressed on, seemingly undeterred. “Yes. And when that man is your lover, well, it’s downright unforgivable.”
His lover. Tommy had referred to Adam as his lover. The knowledge of it loosened something deep down in Adam’s gut, something heavy and burning hot. Something overwhelming and terrifying. Adam pushed it back down as hard as he could, all the while reminding himself that hope was useless.
“Then perhaps you should sit down…Tommy-or is it Thomas? Or even better, Prince Thomas Joseph? I don’t know what to call you anymore.”
Adam instantly regretted his words when he saw the flash of hurt that raced across Tommy’s face.
“‘Tommy.’ My name is Tommy. That will never change when it comes to you.”
Adam swallowed hard and nodded briefly, unable to form a reply to those simple words that held so much meaning, so many implied promises. He watched Tommy close the remaining distance between them and slide into a chair opposite him.
When Tommy was seated, Adam pushed the bottle toward him. “Have at it then,” he said simply, before handing Tommy one of the empty goblets on the table.
Tommy poured himself a cupful and sipped slowly, watching Adam over the gilded rim of the goblet in his hand. His scrutiny was disconcerting. It made Adam shift in his seat nervously, gaze firmly trained on some spot over Tommy’s left shoulder. After several minutes, Tommy finally broke the heavy silence.
“I loved my mother.” Adam’s gaze swung back to his face in surprise.
“She’s the only other person I’ve ever loved,” Tommy continued. “And if someone had done to her what my father did your mother, if I’d watched her die like you did yours, I would have killed the man the first chance I got, laws of Ilyria be damned.”
“Kristopher told you.”
“Yes. He told me everything.”
“And that’s why you’ve returned.”
“Partly, yes. I cannot fault you for doing what I would’ve done. But…I can’t pretend that I don’t care about what has happened. My father was…a difficult man, but I still cared for him in my own small way. I won’t pretend that this is easy for me. But I also won’t pretend that he was something other than what he was. I won’t make a saint out a sinner simply because he has died.”
Adam lost the fight against that thing, that overwhelming emotion that had unfurled in the pit of his stomach. He could feel it clawing its way through his chest as the seconds ticked by.
“Is that all?” he asked, voice tight and hoarse.
“No. I also came back to apologize to you. The things I said before, you have to know that I didn’t mean any of it. Not one word. I swear.”
Adam was trembling now. The goblet in his hand shook precariously as he raised it to his lips. He took a fortifying swallow and set the cup back onto the table.
“So, was it your father?” Adam asked when he was finally able to speak again.
“What do you mean?”
“You said that your mother was the only other person you’ve ever loved. Who was the second person? Lord Ratliff?”
“No.”
“Then who was it?”
“You, Adam. The second person is you.”
Love. Tommy loved him. Tommy loved-Adam realized with a start that the harsh sounds filling the tent were coming from him. He was hyperventilating.
“Adam?”
Adam heard Tommy’s voice as if it was coming from a distance. He could barely hear anything above the sound of the blood roaring in his ears. He pushed away from the table and stood up on unsteady feet, managing only a backward step or two before crumbling to his knees with a pained cry. It felt like a dam had finally given. All at once, everything he’d ever held back in the last twenty years spilled from him in a cascade of emotion. His chest heaved and his shoulders shook as he cried for the first time in two decades. Adam cried for everything that he had lost, for all the endless years he had gone without, for every unbearable nightmare, for every battle fought and every drop of blood spilled in the name of revenge, for every moment he had wanted his mother beside him so badly that the desire had felt like a dagger twisting cruelly in his chest.
“Adam. Please don’t-Adam, it’s alright. Adam, please.”
He felt Tommy fall to his knees in front of him and pull him close. Adam leaned into the embrace, free hand gripping a fistful of Tommy’s tunic as painful sobs racked his body, shaking him to his core.
“I tried to save her. I swear I did. But she slit her throat before I could reach her. I tried to stop the bleeding. I pressed down on the wound and cried for help. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t-there was so much blood. So much blood. I couldn’t stop it. If I’d been faster, if I’d tried harder, she might have lived. I failed.”
“Adam, you did nothing wrong.”
“Yes, I did! I failed. I failed her and I failed you. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I didn’t know what to do. It was too late by the time I realized what you meant to me. Even if I’d let you go, even if I’d sent you back to Troianus, it would’ve been too late. The moment I took you, the damage was done. I’m so sorry, Tommy. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me.”
“I believe you. Adam, I believe you.”
Tommy pulled Adam even closer, holding on to him fiercely as a fresh flood of tears spilled from him. Adam clung to him for dear life until the cascade of emotion ebbed and he could finally breathe properly once again. He pulled back from Tommy then, just enough so that he could look into his eyes.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know. It’s over now. My father, your mother…it’s finally finished. But we are still alive. You and I are still here. Someone told me once that eventually all parent die, and we are the ones who shall survive to enjoy or to endure whatever life we’ve made for ourselves. I don’t want to live a life without you in it. I don’t want to live a half-life. I refuse to.”
“You’re staying,” Adam breathed, incredulity evident in his barely audible words.
“Of course I’m staying. You can’t be rid of me so easily.” Tommy flashed him a small smile.
Adam swallowed hard around the rush of feeling tightening his chest and tried to give Tommy something that he hoped looked like a smile.
“Adam?”
“Yes?”
“I…I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything,” Adam replied immediately.
“I need you to promise me that from now on, there’ll be no more secrets between us. No more lies or omissions. I need you to promise me that nothing will ever come between us again. And I need you to promise that you’ll never let go. Can you promise me that? Can you do that for me?”
“I’d move heaven and earth if you asked me to. I promise. I promise that I’ll never let anything come between us again. And I promise that I’ll never let go.”
The smile that greeted Adam’s words was blinding.
“I love you,” Tommy said. But before Adam could form a reply, Tommy was leaning forward, sliding his hand into Adam’s tousled hair and pulling him forward into a soft, slow kiss.
After a long moment, Tommy pulled back and smiled again. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”
Adam let Tommy lead him toward the bed. He raised his arms when directed, letting Tommy pull his tunic off his body. Then he settled beneath the velvet bed coverings. He stared down at the sapphire pin still clutched in his palm, watching the play of light across the gleaming gemstones while Tommy undressed.
“This belongs to you,” Adam said softly, holding out the pin to Tommy after he’d climbed into bed beside Adam.
Tommy stared at the pin, hesitating. “You still want me to have it? Even after what I did?”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should have known better. I should have-”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Adam repeated resolutely. “It’s as you said. It’s over now. Everything that came before is finally finished. And I still want you to have this.”
Tommy nodded and took the pin from Adam’s outstretched hand. Then he pressed a kiss to the gleaming surface before setting it down gently on the bedside table. When Tommy turned back, he curled against Adam’s body and pressed his head to Adam’s naked chest.
“I’ve heard it said before that Queen Leila was the most beautiful woman in all of Ilyria. Is it true?”
Adam thought of his mother’s radiant smile. “Yes, it’s true.”
“Tell me about her. I want to know everything about her.”
Adam did. He told Tommy everything about his mother, retraced every last childhood memory for him. And when he was done, Tommy told Adam all about his own mother. They talked late into the night, and when morning came, they were still awake, trading stories long after the morning bell had been rung. They were still in bed when Kristopher entered the tent about an hour after the bell had sounded.
“Forgive me for interrupting, but we need to know what’s happening. Are we moving soon?”
Tommy spoke up before Adam could answer Kristopher’s question.
“No. The caravan will not march today.”
Adam shot Tommy a surprised look. If Tommy noticed, he chose to ignore it.
“What reason shall I give?” Kristopher asked.
“Tell them that today shall be a day of quiet and of rest. Tell them that today, we honor the old Queen of Elysia with our silence.”
Adam let out a soft gasp of surprise. He was floored. For his part, Kristopher was practically beaming, soft brown eyes aglow with admiration.
“Yes, my lord,” Kristopher replied to Tommy.
Adam gasped again-only this time, he was joined by Tommy. Still morning, and already this day was filled with surprises. “I’ll tell everyone straight away. And I’ll see to it that you aren’t disturbed.” Kristopher gave a slight bow and slipped out of the tent.
“Wonders shall never cease,” Tommy murmured in an amused tone when Kristopher was gone.
Adam smiled sleepily in response. A moment later, he yawned mightily. Exhaustion had finally caught up with him.
“Sleep,” Tommy whispered.
He didn’t need to. Adam was already sliding towards oblivion. He’d never felt so tired in all his life. And yet he fought the inevitable. He struggled against the inexorable pull, trying to speak. Adam wanted to tell Tommy that he loved him too.
“Tommy.…”
Tommy hushed him. “Sleep.”
“But I want to tell you…I want to tell you….” Adam yawned again, softer this time, as his eyelids slid closed.
“Shhhh. It’s alright. I already know. And I love you too.”
A split-second later, Adam was fast asleep.