Here it is, Stefan! My finished fanfic!
Subspecies I: Fan fiction
Humorous Adaption of Screenplay.
Character List:
King Vladislas
Radu
Stefan
Michelle
Mora
Lillian
Karl
Old Woman
The throne room...
King Vladislas: Oh woe is me...to whom shall I pass on my throne. Not that creepy-ass son of mine, Radu. The witch of a mother of his can rot in a puddle of boiling pig shit! I know,...my most handsome son, Stefan, shall be my heir, even though it should rightfully fall to Radu, since he's the older kid. Oh well. *sits comfortably on his big ugly chair.*
Radu: Hey dad, I'm back.
King Vladislas: What the hell? I kicked your stupid ass out! What the fuck are you doing here?
Radu: I want the throne dumbass. Now give me the bloodstone so I can get high.
King Vladislas: Piss off. *drops metal cage on top of him.*
Radu: Ha, my creepy long fingers turn into cool little devil guys! This rickety piece of crap can't hold me. *Radu pinches of the tips of his long gnarled fingers and they transform into the "subspecies"...reason for the movie title folks! The subspecies free Radu from the cage.*
Radu: Now I kill you, dead-beat dad. Sorry about the mess I'll be making in town. *Stabs his father, who falls to the floor dead.*
Customs
*Two girls get off a train in Bucharest,...they are easily identified as Americans. A local friend is waiting to pick them up in a car that looks like it was made of cardboard. They embrace each other. These girls are Michelle, Lillian, and Mora, our main stars. Michelle looks like a lesbian in my opinion, and Lillian looks like a dumb smartass. Mara seems a bit snotty, but what can you do about it?*
Lillian: Ooh! I want to drive the cardboard car!!! *squeals like a little girl.*
Mora: If you insist. Please don't crash or we will all die painfully. This little vehicle ain't got no airbags.
*Michelle is pretty quiet right now, and seems more interested in the scenery than anything else. They have to stop and wait for a funeral procession. The music is terrible off key.
Lillian: Haha! A parade. Where's the candy?
Mora: It is a funeral dumbshit. We have these really strange customs of respecting and honoring the rotting corpses of our loved ones. Hell, we even practise necrophilia!!
Michelle: That's not mentioned in the folk-lore.
Lillian: Damn I'm creeped out...and this music is really bad. *Lillian silently curses the horrible band playing.*
*They arrive at the place they are staying in Prejnar. A man named Karl is there to greet them. He is not too friendly and looks a bit harsh. He shows them around, the place is evidently an extended part of the castle open to visitors. In fact, this remarkable piece of history is open as an inn! Fancy that.*
Michelle: Ooh this is the place where those one guys got into a big fight with these other guys...and there's most history here I don't care to explain right now. Even though I supposedly know about it all.
Karl: You know about the Turks and their battle?
Lillian: We may have taken Medieval History together, but we are not all that smart. Hehe!
*Karl furrows his brow at her and leads them to their rooms. Conveniently, one of them has to sleep alone.*
Lillian: Comfy beds....*flops down on one* I'm sooo tired from that boring train ride.
*Mora hands Karl a wad of cash, presumably for his host services...but who really knows right?*
Lillian: (again I know, she talks a lot) What's up there? *points to rafters above the room.*
Karl: *his irritation growing rapidly.* Battle shit. You hide up there and ambush your enemies when they are trying to ambush you. Let's go up and check it out.
*They investigate the upper level and talk about more ancient history, this time involving vampires..ooh creepy huh? Lillian discovers the attic and goes to check it out, despite Karl's warning. She sits on a coffin, not even realizing what it is.*
The tale of some vampires
Radu: *drooling as always, picks up bloodstone and sips at it,...letting the rest drool down his mouth. He grins and then apparently goes off the sleep for that day.*
Subspecies: *screw around and make all their cute little growling noises.*
Meanwhile....
*Lillian, Michelle and Mora are exploring the small town. They come across an old woman who tells them the story of King Vladislas and the bloodstone.*
Old Woman: So, the gypsy stole the blasted thing from the Pope, and gave it to the vampire king, asking that the undead keep the hell out of town and mind their own business. From that day, no one's been bitten!
Lillian: Are you sure? Maybe you just haven't heard about it. They could still be hanging out around here right?
Old Woman: Vampires don't die, stupid, of course they still creep around. You three just keep your curious noses out of it!
*After that, they head up to Vladislas Castle, which conveniently, no one ever talks about, leaving them VERY curious about it.*
Camera: click, click, click....can I stop taking pictures now? It's getting dark.
Lillian: I want to break in and steal some of the old artifacts. I wonder if maybe I can stick my arm in here and free the locked door.
Radu:*wakes up from sleeping and hears someone screwing around with the door* What the hell? Robbers here? What could they possibly want to steal?
Lillian: I almost got it-OUCH! OMG, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED??? I'M BLEEDING!!!
Radu: *snickers from other side of the door*
Michelle: Wow, cool. That looks really deep. Let's go back now and see if you need stitches.
Later that night: *Mora is playing some really creep ass organ music and Michelle is buried in an ancient dusty text book. Lillian walks in good as new.*
Mora: How's your arm?
Lillian: All better. *Gleefully bounds over to the other two.*
Michelle: I've been trying to look for shit on that old castle, but none of these fuckers have written about it.
A voice: Perhaps nobody talks about it cuz it's so old they don't give a shit. *It's Stefan!* Excuse me, I am Stefan Belescu...I am a half vampire pretending to be a zoologist.
Michelle: That's hot. What kind of animals are you studying?
Stefan: Vampires, I mean *cough cough* animals around here that are like vampires.
Michelle: Nocturnal?
Stefan: That's the one!
Michelle: Damn...you're so hot. Wanna hang out with us?
Stefan: *squirming a bit* Nah..it's cool. I gotta get to work. Maybe later eh?
*After Stefan leaves, Lillian and Mora joke about Michelle's starry-eyed stare.*
Lillian: Damn girl...he's got you all hot and bothered. Those dark and brooding eyes are kind of cool, but those eyebrows are in need of serious tweezage!
Naughty Vampire
*The girls spend the day again exloring the town and decide to take a nap in a cemetery. They snore for about two hourse and freak out when they wake up and see it getting dark.*
Mora: I know a shortcut! Through the dark and creepy woods we go!
*When mere seconds before there was plenty of daylight to see, all of a sudden, it's pitch black and the girls are moving scared through the dark. Strange animal noises freak the hell out of them and they all turn to see....dun, dun, dun...Radu sitting in a tree and watching them like a pervert.*
Girls: Scream
(Soundcheck: Picking up some static there...nope it's gone now. Carry on!)
*They take off running further into the woods but miraculously, Stefan comes to the rescue and escorts them back to the inn. He then goes to see his father, wondering what the hell his older brother is doing back.
Stefan: Oh father! No, that asshole killed you! Woe is me...now I cry!
Radu: *sneaks up on Stefan, and even though his boots click like mad on the stone floor...Stefan somehow doesn't hear it.* Hehe! I did it....and yes I came back! Your petty mortal emotions are so cheesy. Get over it. *He releases his hold on him and disappears.*
Stefan: *gasping for breath* Holy shit....how many packs of cigarettes has he been smoking? His voice is even raspier.
*Karl is sleeping when a loud pounding jolts him out of sleep. He goes to the door and opens it, with Stefan falling into his room. Stefan is sobbing and crying.*
Karl: What the hell? Can't a man get some sleep around here?
Stefan: Daddy's gone! He's dead!
Karl: That freakish brother of yours came home didn't he?
Stefan: *nods* Yup.
Karl: Alright! Vampire hunting time...let me get my gun...even though that doesn't work against vampires.
In the meantime....
*Radu has crept up on Lillian in her sleep and sunk his fangs into her arm...the same spot he got her at the castle. Karl and Stefan burst in on him and he's forced to retreat....grumbling about not getting any decent food these days.*
Karl: Damn he got away...and he didn't even finish off the loudmouth girl.
Festival Dinner
*Lillian is sick now, so the doctor orders her to stay in bed. Mora and Michelle go on to the masked vampire festival in town.*
Old Woman: *whispering to three other old ladies who are standing around a cauldron..looking suspiciously like witches* Don't talk to the American whores....they want to fornicate with the Vladislas clan!
*After taking a few pictures of the different masks, Mora explains the lore.*
Mora: If the white horsey don't jump over the grave...they'll think that person is a vampire and drive stakes into the ground. In this cauldron....in was tradition to cut out the heart of the undead and boil it.....everybody would drink the water. Nasty eh?
Stefan:*appearing suddenly.* Barbaric...but kind of cool.
Michelle:*dreamy stare* Oh, Stefan.
Stefan: How's that other girl..what's her name?
Michelle: Lillian.
Stefan: Oh yeah...where is she at?
Michelle: Sick...but she'll be fine. *(or will she?)*
Stefan: *shrugs* Ok....lets makeout now...so I can stick my face in your neck!
*They kiss for a few minutes and sure enough, Stefan starts necking with her. (Radu: Hey! Get off my woman! Oh...yeah...we're not at that part yet. Sorry.) Stefan releases her and says he's gotta jet.*
Michelle: Ooh suddenly I got a strange feeling. I think something may be wrong with Lillian. I'm going to check it out. *She takes the cardboard car back to the fortress and leaves Mora all by herself.*
Mora: No problem! I'll just stay here and wait....and wait....uh, Michelle???
*The old woman with the creep mask followed Michelle and watched her leave.*
Old Woman: I want that snazzy little car. Hey! There's a really creepy shadow behind me!
Radu: Guess who? Lunchtime! *rips old woman's throat out* I feel better. But I need more...I got the munchies!
Mora:Oh shit. There's a really creepy guy stalking me.
Camera: Oh no...not again. *refuses to click*
Radu:Ahhh! I've got you now my pretty! *Snatches Mora up.*
Meanwhile....
*Michelle is heading back to the fortress and finds..Radu (damn he's fast) feeding on Lillian. Stefan and Karl show up and yet again they fail to kill Radu.*
Stefan: That's sucks.
Michelle: What the hell is going on. Tell me the truth now, asshole.
Stefan: I'm a vampire...Radu's a really nasty vampire...and Karl is a wannabe vampire slayer.
Michelle: Cool. So now what? Lillian just croaked. What do I do with her?
Karl: Bury her in the cemetery ruins....Radu will never find her there. Nor will the villagers.
Stefan: Noooo...course not.
*Karl and Michelle bury Lillian in the cemetery the next morning. How ironic she's wrapped in a blanket and only a few feet under dirt. She'll never be able to crawl out now. Afterwards, they go looking for Radu's coffin, but he's not there.*
Radu: Heheh...you'll never find me!
Karl: Darn!! Yes we will!
Michelle: Hey...where's Mora?
Karl: *in disbelief* You just noticed that?
Mora: Thanks alot!
Speaking of Mora...
Mora: How long are you going to keep me down here..this dungeon smells bad.
Radu: Just a bit longer. *drinks from Bloodstone* I've got stuff to do...so play with my little demon dudes while I'm gone.
Mora: Um...ok.
Subspecies: *growl*
Mora: That's creepy. And they are staring at my boobs now...perverts. *Mora is clothed in something that is ripped and conveniently torn to reveal most of her chest...bet Radu liked that!*
At the church
Karl: Come on in...Stefan. God won't care...as long as you're invited.
Stefan: *to Michelle* A vampire can't enter a church unless invited.
Michelle: What about a pagan vampire? Can't enter a temple?
Karl: Are you daft lady?
Stefan: *under his breath* pagans...pfft. There are no pagans in Romania.
Michelle: If you say so.
Stefan: I'm gonna go find Mora..I'll be in the castle if you need me.
Michelle: *waves* Later!
Karl: Stefan told me that not all vampires are evil...but Radu is. The Bloodstone is something that allows good vampires to not kill for blood...but for Radu it's like a drug...and he likes getting high.
Michelle: Stoner vampires eh? Wicked!
A voice from outside: Michelle! Let me in!
Michelle: Holy shit! It's Lillian! But isn't she dead? Oh well, I will let her in anyway.
Karl: Don't you dare. I'll shoot that whore if you do!
*Too bad, cuz when Michelle runs outside, Radu snatches her up and Karl glimpses his retreating shadow.*
Back at the Castle
Michelle: What the heck? I'm in a dungeon? Oh hey, Mora.
Mora: Hey girl.
*Michelle miraculously frees herself from the rusty trap she's shackled in and somehow gets Mora out too. Mora, however, is growing fangs now.*
Michelle: Oh shit.
In the main chamber...
Stefan: these bindings are a bit tight....I wonder if I can break loose. Ah, curse my human weakness.
*Michelle enters, escorted by her female companions. She is in a white dress now. (ever notice how they always pick white...maybe because it stains so easily ^_^)
Radu: *who follows close behind* What up!
Stefan: You bastard...that's my woman.
Radu: Not anymore! *bites Michelle.*
Michelle: *screams...a lot.*
*Karl burts in, guns blazing, and goes totally ape shit on Mora, who dies after suffering to gun shot wounds to the torso. Radu gets pretty pissed and knocks away the stake Karl shoves at him*
Radu: You thought I'd sit and let you do that? Dumbass!
Karl: To hell with you...I'm gonna free Stefan. *frees Stefan, who engages in swordfight with Radu.*
Lillian: I choke you now, old man!
Karl: You talk too much....and all those hissing sounds aren't helping your cause either!
Radu *clangity*
Stefan: *zingity*
Radu: *slashity*
Stefan: *stabbity*
Michelle: Are you guys done yet?....no. Ok, I'm going to play with fire now.
Lillian: Hey, Michelle?
Michelle: Ha! Face the wrath of my evil torch of flaming doom bitch! *Waves torch at Lillian and blinds her for a moment.*
Stefan: *conveniently releases a rope, which drops the pokey chandelier on top of Lillian.*
*Radu and Stefan fight a bit more and Stefan ends up staking Radu.*
Radu: You can't kill me, remember, I'm immortal!
Stefan: Yeah, yeah..we'll see about that. *Chops Radu's head off.*
Radu: I'll be back!
*Karl chops off Lillian's head, and the fight is over. The sun is rising...so Stefan takes Michelle to his new coffin.*
Michelle: My neck hurts...when will I start changing?
Stefan: Like I know???
Michelle: You know, this is the perfect excuse to bite me...since I know you wanted to, like, the whole movie. Besides, I want to be good vampire, not a cadaver.
Stefan: *shrugging* Well, ok. *He bites Michelle, who seems to dig it and then lays her down to sleep in a different coffin.* See ya later, babe!
Back in the main chamber....
Radu's head: *grins*
Subspecies: Grrrr! Enjoy!
Humorous Adaption of Screenplay.
Character List:
King Vladislas
Radu
Stefan
Michelle
Mora
Lillian
Karl
Old Woman
The throne room...
King Vladislas: Oh woe is me...to whom shall I pass on my throne. Not that creepy-ass son of mine, Radu. The witch of a mother of his can rot in a puddle of boiling pig shit! I know,...my most handsome son, Stefan, shall be my heir, even though it should rightfully fall to Radu, since he's the older kid. Oh well. *sits comfortably on his big ugly chair.*
Radu: Hey dad, I'm back.
King Vladislas: What the hell? I kicked your stupid ass out! What the fuck are you doing here?
Radu: I want the throne dumbass. Now give me the bloodstone so I can get high.
King Vladislas: Piss off. *drops metal cage on top of him.*
Radu: Ha, my creepy long fingers turn into cool little devil guys! This rickety piece of crap can't hold me. *Radu pinches of the tips of his long gnarled fingers and they transform into the "subspecies"...reason for the movie title folks! The subspecies free Radu from the cage.*
Radu: Now I kill you, dead-beat dad. Sorry about the mess I'll be making in town. *Stabs his father, who falls to the floor dead.*
Customs
*Two girls get off a train in Bucharest,...they are easily identified as Americans. A local friend is waiting to pick them up in a car that looks like it was made of cardboard. They embrace each other. These girls are Michelle, Lillian, and Mora, our main stars. Michelle looks like a lesbian in my opinion, and Lillian looks like a dumb smartass. Mara seems a bit snotty, but what can you do about it?*
Lillian: Ooh! I want to drive the cardboard car!!! *squeals like a little girl.*
Mora: If you insist. Please don't crash or we will all die painfully. This little vehicle ain't got no airbags.
*Michelle is pretty quiet right now, and seems more interested in the scenery than anything else. They have to stop and wait for a funeral procession. The music is terrible off key.
Lillian: Haha! A parade. Where's the candy?
Mora: It is a funeral dumbshit. We have these really strange customs of respecting and honoring the rotting corpses of our loved ones. Hell, we even practise necrophilia!!
Michelle: That's not mentioned in the folk-lore.
Lillian: Damn I'm creeped out...and this music is really bad. *Lillian silently curses the horrible band playing.*
*They arrive at the place they are staying in Prejnar. A man named Karl is there to greet them. He is not too friendly and looks a bit harsh. He shows them around, the place is evidently an extended part of the castle open to visitors. In fact, this remarkable piece of history is open as an inn! Fancy that.*
Michelle: Ooh this is the place where those one guys got into a big fight with these other guys...and there's most history here I don't care to explain right now. Even though I supposedly know about it all.
Karl: You know about the Turks and their battle?
Lillian: We may have taken Medieval History together, but we are not all that smart. Hehe!
*Karl furrows his brow at her and leads them to their rooms. Conveniently, one of them has to sleep alone.*
Lillian: Comfy beds....*flops down on one* I'm sooo tired from that boring train ride.
*Mora hands Karl a wad of cash, presumably for his host services...but who really knows right?*
Lillian: (again I know, she talks a lot) What's up there? *points to rafters above the room.*
Karl: *his irritation growing rapidly.* Battle shit. You hide up there and ambush your enemies when they are trying to ambush you. Let's go up and check it out.
*They investigate the upper level and talk about more ancient history, this time involving vampires..ooh creepy huh? Lillian discovers the attic and goes to check it out, despite Karl's warning. She sits on a coffin, not even realizing what it is.*
The tale of some vampires
Radu: *drooling as always, picks up bloodstone and sips at it,...letting the rest drool down his mouth. He grins and then apparently goes off the sleep for that day.*
Subspecies: *screw around and make all their cute little growling noises.*
Meanwhile....
*Lillian, Michelle and Mora are exploring the small town. They come across an old woman who tells them the story of King Vladislas and the bloodstone.*
Old Woman: So, the gypsy stole the blasted thing from the Pope, and gave it to the vampire king, asking that the undead keep the hell out of town and mind their own business. From that day, no one's been bitten!
Lillian: Are you sure? Maybe you just haven't heard about it. They could still be hanging out around here right?
Old Woman: Vampires don't die, stupid, of course they still creep around. You three just keep your curious noses out of it!
*After that, they head up to Vladislas Castle, which conveniently, no one ever talks about, leaving them VERY curious about it.*
Camera: click, click, click....can I stop taking pictures now? It's getting dark.
Lillian: I want to break in and steal some of the old artifacts. I wonder if maybe I can stick my arm in here and free the locked door.
Radu:*wakes up from sleeping and hears someone screwing around with the door* What the hell? Robbers here? What could they possibly want to steal?
Lillian: I almost got it-OUCH! OMG, WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED??? I'M BLEEDING!!!
Radu: *snickers from other side of the door*
Michelle: Wow, cool. That looks really deep. Let's go back now and see if you need stitches.
Later that night: *Mora is playing some really creep ass organ music and Michelle is buried in an ancient dusty text book. Lillian walks in good as new.*
Mora: How's your arm?
Lillian: All better. *Gleefully bounds over to the other two.*
Michelle: I've been trying to look for shit on that old castle, but none of these fuckers have written about it.
A voice: Perhaps nobody talks about it cuz it's so old they don't give a shit. *It's Stefan!* Excuse me, I am Stefan Belescu...I am a half vampire pretending to be a zoologist.
Michelle: That's hot. What kind of animals are you studying?
Stefan: Vampires, I mean *cough cough* animals around here that are like vampires.
Michelle: Nocturnal?
Stefan: That's the one!
Michelle: Damn...you're so hot. Wanna hang out with us?
Stefan: *squirming a bit* Nah..it's cool. I gotta get to work. Maybe later eh?
*After Stefan leaves, Lillian and Mora joke about Michelle's starry-eyed stare.*
Lillian: Damn girl...he's got you all hot and bothered. Those dark and brooding eyes are kind of cool, but those eyebrows are in need of serious tweezage!
Naughty Vampire
*The girls spend the day again exloring the town and decide to take a nap in a cemetery. They snore for about two hourse and freak out when they wake up and see it getting dark.*
Mora: I know a shortcut! Through the dark and creepy woods we go!
*When mere seconds before there was plenty of daylight to see, all of a sudden, it's pitch black and the girls are moving scared through the dark. Strange animal noises freak the hell out of them and they all turn to see....dun, dun, dun...Radu sitting in a tree and watching them like a pervert.*
Girls: Scream
(Soundcheck: Picking up some static there...nope it's gone now. Carry on!)
*They take off running further into the woods but miraculously, Stefan comes to the rescue and escorts them back to the inn. He then goes to see his father, wondering what the hell his older brother is doing back.
Stefan: Oh father! No, that asshole killed you! Woe is me...now I cry!
Radu: *sneaks up on Stefan, and even though his boots click like mad on the stone floor...Stefan somehow doesn't hear it.* Hehe! I did it....and yes I came back! Your petty mortal emotions are so cheesy. Get over it. *He releases his hold on him and disappears.*
Stefan: *gasping for breath* Holy shit....how many packs of cigarettes has he been smoking? His voice is even raspier.
*Karl is sleeping when a loud pounding jolts him out of sleep. He goes to the door and opens it, with Stefan falling into his room. Stefan is sobbing and crying.*
Karl: What the hell? Can't a man get some sleep around here?
Stefan: Daddy's gone! He's dead!
Karl: That freakish brother of yours came home didn't he?
Stefan: *nods* Yup.
Karl: Alright! Vampire hunting time...let me get my gun...even though that doesn't work against vampires.
In the meantime....
*Radu has crept up on Lillian in her sleep and sunk his fangs into her arm...the same spot he got her at the castle. Karl and Stefan burst in on him and he's forced to retreat....grumbling about not getting any decent food these days.*
Karl: Damn he got away...and he didn't even finish off the loudmouth girl.
Festival Dinner
*Lillian is sick now, so the doctor orders her to stay in bed. Mora and Michelle go on to the masked vampire festival in town.*
Old Woman: *whispering to three other old ladies who are standing around a cauldron..looking suspiciously like witches* Don't talk to the American whores....they want to fornicate with the Vladislas clan!
*After taking a few pictures of the different masks, Mora explains the lore.*
Mora: If the white horsey don't jump over the grave...they'll think that person is a vampire and drive stakes into the ground. In this cauldron....in was tradition to cut out the heart of the undead and boil it.....everybody would drink the water. Nasty eh?
Stefan:*appearing suddenly.* Barbaric...but kind of cool.
Michelle:*dreamy stare* Oh, Stefan.
Stefan: How's that other girl..what's her name?
Michelle: Lillian.
Stefan: Oh yeah...where is she at?
Michelle: Sick...but she'll be fine. *(or will she?)*
Stefan: *shrugs* Ok....lets makeout now...so I can stick my face in your neck!
*They kiss for a few minutes and sure enough, Stefan starts necking with her. (Radu: Hey! Get off my woman! Oh...yeah...we're not at that part yet. Sorry.) Stefan releases her and says he's gotta jet.*
Michelle: Ooh suddenly I got a strange feeling. I think something may be wrong with Lillian. I'm going to check it out. *She takes the cardboard car back to the fortress and leaves Mora all by herself.*
Mora: No problem! I'll just stay here and wait....and wait....uh, Michelle???
*The old woman with the creep mask followed Michelle and watched her leave.*
Old Woman: I want that snazzy little car. Hey! There's a really creepy shadow behind me!
Radu: Guess who? Lunchtime! *rips old woman's throat out* I feel better. But I need more...I got the munchies!
Mora:Oh shit. There's a really creepy guy stalking me.
Camera: Oh no...not again. *refuses to click*
Radu:Ahhh! I've got you now my pretty! *Snatches Mora up.*
Meanwhile....
*Michelle is heading back to the fortress and finds..Radu (damn he's fast) feeding on Lillian. Stefan and Karl show up and yet again they fail to kill Radu.*
Stefan: That's sucks.
Michelle: What the hell is going on. Tell me the truth now, asshole.
Stefan: I'm a vampire...Radu's a really nasty vampire...and Karl is a wannabe vampire slayer.
Michelle: Cool. So now what? Lillian just croaked. What do I do with her?
Karl: Bury her in the cemetery ruins....Radu will never find her there. Nor will the villagers.
Stefan: Noooo...course not.
*Karl and Michelle bury Lillian in the cemetery the next morning. How ironic she's wrapped in a blanket and only a few feet under dirt. She'll never be able to crawl out now. Afterwards, they go looking for Radu's coffin, but he's not there.*
Radu: Heheh...you'll never find me!
Karl: Darn!! Yes we will!
Michelle: Hey...where's Mora?
Karl: *in disbelief* You just noticed that?
Mora: Thanks alot!
Speaking of Mora...
Mora: How long are you going to keep me down here..this dungeon smells bad.
Radu: Just a bit longer. *drinks from Bloodstone* I've got stuff to do...so play with my little demon dudes while I'm gone.
Mora: Um...ok.
Subspecies: *growl*
Mora: That's creepy. And they are staring at my boobs now...perverts. *Mora is clothed in something that is ripped and conveniently torn to reveal most of her chest...bet Radu liked that!*
At the church
Karl: Come on in...Stefan. God won't care...as long as you're invited.
Stefan: *to Michelle* A vampire can't enter a church unless invited.
Michelle: What about a pagan vampire? Can't enter a temple?
Karl: Are you daft lady?
Stefan: *under his breath* pagans...pfft. There are no pagans in Romania.
Michelle: If you say so.
Stefan: I'm gonna go find Mora..I'll be in the castle if you need me.
Michelle: *waves* Later!
Karl: Stefan told me that not all vampires are evil...but Radu is. The Bloodstone is something that allows good vampires to not kill for blood...but for Radu it's like a drug...and he likes getting high.
Michelle: Stoner vampires eh? Wicked!
A voice from outside: Michelle! Let me in!
Michelle: Holy shit! It's Lillian! But isn't she dead? Oh well, I will let her in anyway.
Karl: Don't you dare. I'll shoot that whore if you do!
*Too bad, cuz when Michelle runs outside, Radu snatches her up and Karl glimpses his retreating shadow.*
Back at the Castle
Michelle: What the heck? I'm in a dungeon? Oh hey, Mora.
Mora: Hey girl.
*Michelle miraculously frees herself from the rusty trap she's shackled in and somehow gets Mora out too. Mora, however, is growing fangs now.*
Michelle: Oh shit.
In the main chamber...
Stefan: these bindings are a bit tight....I wonder if I can break loose. Ah, curse my human weakness.
*Michelle enters, escorted by her female companions. She is in a white dress now. (ever notice how they always pick white...maybe because it stains so easily ^_^)
Radu: *who follows close behind* What up!
Stefan: You bastard...that's my woman.
Radu: Not anymore! *bites Michelle.*
Michelle: *screams...a lot.*
*Karl burts in, guns blazing, and goes totally ape shit on Mora, who dies after suffering to gun shot wounds to the torso. Radu gets pretty pissed and knocks away the stake Karl shoves at him*
Radu: You thought I'd sit and let you do that? Dumbass!
Karl: To hell with you...I'm gonna free Stefan. *frees Stefan, who engages in swordfight with Radu.*
Lillian: I choke you now, old man!
Karl: You talk too much....and all those hissing sounds aren't helping your cause either!
Radu *clangity*
Stefan: *zingity*
Radu: *slashity*
Stefan: *stabbity*
Michelle: Are you guys done yet?....no. Ok, I'm going to play with fire now.
Lillian: Hey, Michelle?
Michelle: Ha! Face the wrath of my evil torch of flaming doom bitch! *Waves torch at Lillian and blinds her for a moment.*
Stefan: *conveniently releases a rope, which drops the pokey chandelier on top of Lillian.*
*Radu and Stefan fight a bit more and Stefan ends up staking Radu.*
Radu: You can't kill me, remember, I'm immortal!
Stefan: Yeah, yeah..we'll see about that. *Chops Radu's head off.*
Radu: I'll be back!
*Karl chops off Lillian's head, and the fight is over. The sun is rising...so Stefan takes Michelle to his new coffin.*
Michelle: My neck hurts...when will I start changing?
Stefan: Like I know???
Michelle: You know, this is the perfect excuse to bite me...since I know you wanted to, like, the whole movie. Besides, I want to be good vampire, not a cadaver.
Stefan: *shrugging* Well, ok. *He bites Michelle, who seems to dig it and then lays her down to sleep in a different coffin.* See ya later, babe!
Back in the main chamber....
Radu's head: *grins*
Subspecies: Grrrr! Enjoy!