(no subject)
So my minds a little on the messed up side at present, could do with some friends, it's not like I have a huge support group this end of the world, so just thought I'd ask.
So here goes. . . .
I honestly don't believe that anyone is completely happy with who they are, but I wonder how happy some people are! What do people see when they look in the mirror? And how different is it to what everyone else sees? It's all about perception you see. When I was a kid, a really little kid I was so happy, like nothing could get me down, but over the years the harshness of live kinda broke through and I got nothing from anyone except pain, put downs and insults and after a while you start to believe it and it effects how you live your life. My body language changed and I changed, everything changed, so gradually that I barely noticed, and now when I look back I can barely remember that happy person I used to be, it's more like a vague dream i had a long time ago.
So here's the thing, what happens when you see a glimse of who you want to be, like a ray of light that lights up the world and then fades away. Somewhere along the line I just became this person, and half the time I don't even feel like it's me. But recently things have changed and I am feeling a cruel mixture of the most unhappy and lost I have ever been and the most hopeful I have been in as long as I can remember.
Each choice you make in life effects the outcome of your future and no future is set in stone, i honestly believe that. There are no sure things and nothing comes free.
I have seen a glimse into my future and as of now I am absolutely terrified. I love my mum, she is the reason for my heart and soul, she's what's kept me sane over the years, stopped me going over the edge and doing something I would regret, but I don't want to be her. I don't want to be like her, because she is not happy, she's not sad, i don't think but she's not happy. I am like a clone of my mum, almost everything that's happened to me has happened to her, (although all her stuff was like a milder version, not so fucking brutal), but still everything is the same, the amount of boyfriends I have had and even how long i have been with them. Except for John, I always fall for the rough guys, the ones who usually go two ways, they either tame out a bit, or they get rough with me, mum had the same problem, only she ended up with the rough with her kinda guy. She loved him, married him, and then he left her, with a 2 year old kid and another on the way. That is my future, if the next choice I make isn't right.
God I'm so not explaining this right, I'm making it sound like its about a bloke and it's not, it's just that the whole dad thing is such a huge thing for me, it scares the crap out of me.
I am working in a school at the moment and when I'm working with those kid I feel alive like I've never done before, like i'm finally doing what I'm meant to be doing and it feels so good. but out of the classroom i feel so lost and after a little while i start forgetting how much I love it and start thinking about all the bad bits of the lesson, and where i messed up, or when i didn't listen to a kid.
I'm not making any sense I know I'm not, I wish I were, it's just that everything that keeps me grounded is slowly disappearing. My grandparents are dying and my mum is falling into depression cos of that. My mate Phil barely even talks to me anymore, and I don't even know why. I lost my best friend when I broke up with John and now there's just me and I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I'm starting to fall, I can feel it. I've come so far this year, done so well, but i don't have to strength to do that again. I'm sorry for saying all this I'll probably come back and delete it all later, pretend I never said it, I'm getting good at that. Anyway sorry again if you've read this, but thanks for taking the time.
So here goes. . . .
I honestly don't believe that anyone is completely happy with who they are, but I wonder how happy some people are! What do people see when they look in the mirror? And how different is it to what everyone else sees? It's all about perception you see. When I was a kid, a really little kid I was so happy, like nothing could get me down, but over the years the harshness of live kinda broke through and I got nothing from anyone except pain, put downs and insults and after a while you start to believe it and it effects how you live your life. My body language changed and I changed, everything changed, so gradually that I barely noticed, and now when I look back I can barely remember that happy person I used to be, it's more like a vague dream i had a long time ago.
So here's the thing, what happens when you see a glimse of who you want to be, like a ray of light that lights up the world and then fades away. Somewhere along the line I just became this person, and half the time I don't even feel like it's me. But recently things have changed and I am feeling a cruel mixture of the most unhappy and lost I have ever been and the most hopeful I have been in as long as I can remember.
Each choice you make in life effects the outcome of your future and no future is set in stone, i honestly believe that. There are no sure things and nothing comes free.
I have seen a glimse into my future and as of now I am absolutely terrified. I love my mum, she is the reason for my heart and soul, she's what's kept me sane over the years, stopped me going over the edge and doing something I would regret, but I don't want to be her. I don't want to be like her, because she is not happy, she's not sad, i don't think but she's not happy. I am like a clone of my mum, almost everything that's happened to me has happened to her, (although all her stuff was like a milder version, not so fucking brutal), but still everything is the same, the amount of boyfriends I have had and even how long i have been with them. Except for John, I always fall for the rough guys, the ones who usually go two ways, they either tame out a bit, or they get rough with me, mum had the same problem, only she ended up with the rough with her kinda guy. She loved him, married him, and then he left her, with a 2 year old kid and another on the way. That is my future, if the next choice I make isn't right.
God I'm so not explaining this right, I'm making it sound like its about a bloke and it's not, it's just that the whole dad thing is such a huge thing for me, it scares the crap out of me.
I am working in a school at the moment and when I'm working with those kid I feel alive like I've never done before, like i'm finally doing what I'm meant to be doing and it feels so good. but out of the classroom i feel so lost and after a little while i start forgetting how much I love it and start thinking about all the bad bits of the lesson, and where i messed up, or when i didn't listen to a kid.
I'm not making any sense I know I'm not, I wish I were, it's just that everything that keeps me grounded is slowly disappearing. My grandparents are dying and my mum is falling into depression cos of that. My mate Phil barely even talks to me anymore, and I don't even know why. I lost my best friend when I broke up with John and now there's just me and I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I'm starting to fall, I can feel it. I've come so far this year, done so well, but i don't have to strength to do that again. I'm sorry for saying all this I'll probably come back and delete it all later, pretend I never said it, I'm getting good at that. Anyway sorry again if you've read this, but thanks for taking the time.