Never Be
Never Be
Kai x Krystal; 2876 words
★ Inspired by the first verse of End of the Day by One Direction. For biasphere, your one of two birthday fics. ♡
“I still love you,” he whispered.
She just sat there, hugging her knees and staring at the stars with a longing look that he had grown to love very much.
“Don’t you ever wonder why there are so many stars, Jongin? Don’t you ever wonder how this world ever turned out to be this beautiful?”
He stared at her for a while. “The world holds so much beauty, I think it’s better not to question it, Soojung.”
She looked at him. He held his breath, and sighed when she smiled. “I think we’ll be better off if we do question it. What’s the sense of life, what’s the meaning of living if we don’t continually question what’s out there? The world’s very vast, very big, Jongin. Don’t you want to question anything at all?”
He laughed a very stifle laugh. “I don’t think I want to. I’ll let the world be. If it wants to behold the answers to its beauty, then I’d gladly wait for that day to come.”
Soojung hugged her knees tightly. “Ha. Yeah, right.”
Jongin got up and stretched. He looked around as if he was disgusted. “C’mon, Soojung. We’re on the rooftop. I bet you only said those things now because you’re cold and you really want to come inside now.”
She didn’t say anything. She kept looking up. What is she looking at?
“I never want to leave this place, Jongin. Not until I know.”
“Know what?”
“That he’s fine. That he’s one of those stars above. That he’s looking out for me.”
He half-smiled. “Don’t worry. I’m sure he’s watching over you right at this very moment. And for a scientific girl like you, you shouldn’t even be thinking about whether or not he is one of those stars out there!”
He can see tears welling up inside her eyes, and quickly regretted saying the last thing. “I miss him, Jongin. I really miss him. I quit everything when he got sick. I made sure he was well and alive every day. I gave up everything to be with him in the hospital, just to make sure I’ll be with him longer. I loved him, Jongin. I miss him every day.”
He has heard this story a thousand times, but she didn’t know how much this was still crushing him. For her and for himself. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn’t know how. They’re already beyond 30, but he still didn’t know anything.
“Did you hear what I said a while ago?”
She wiped away her tears and sniffed. “No, why? Is it something I should know?”
He sat by the window and looked down. “Don’t worry, it’s not.”
-----
“Soojung, hey, wait for me! Soojung!”
She was running to school and she was very very sweaty.
“We’re late, Kai! We’re going to miss Mr. Park’s lesson today!”
“What are you talking about? It’s 7:00.”
She stopped abruptly. “What? What do you me-“
“It’s 7:00. School doesn’t start for another 30 minutes, silly.”
He rubbed her head so hard she almost screamed.
“Stop touching me! My mom did my hair this morning. She makes the best braids ever.”
“Oh, can I go to your house later? It’s Monday and I know Mama Jung makes chocolate chip cookies every Monday. Please please please?”
“Aish. No, you cannot. Mom’s not making any cookies today because she’s helping me with something.”
“Helping you with what?”
She stuck her tongue out at him. “None of your business, Kai. Now let’s go, I have been looking forward to Mr. Park’s lesson all weekend!”
He threw tantrums as she took him by the hand. They were less than one block to their school and he can definitely feel her hand shaking. From excitement, he supposed. That’s when he started feeling something at the pit of his stomach. He was not liking it one bit.
“Are you going to eat your peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I really want it.”
He has his head on the table, hungrily looking at her untouched lunch. He pouted. “It’s lunch time, Soojung! Eat if you don’t want me to eat your lunch!”
“Hold on a minute, Kai! I’m reading.”
He was still pouting. “What’s that about anyway?”
“It’s what Mr. Park’s been teaching to us the whole day. Stars! And constellations, and the universe and galaxies.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s boring, Soojung! You know what’s not boring? Eating. Eating your delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”
Now she was annoyed. She looked at him and half-shouted, “If you want it so much, then you can have it!”
“Really? Thanks!”
He took it as if he hadn’t been eating a while back. He gobbled it all up with a satisfied look on his face. “Now that’s a sandwich! Tell Mama Jung to make me sandwiches every day, will you?”
But she was still absorbed in what she was reading. He just sat there, looking at the back cover of the brochure. “Reach for the stars!” “Sky’s the limit!” There’s a whole Milky Way out there!”
He didn’t understand anything. Why is she interested in this? To him, it didn’t seem to matter if there was a whole Milky Way out there. He didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.
“So this has been your project all week.”
“Yup. Do you like it?”
“Are you kidding? I love it!”
She smiled so wide, he felt something again at the pit of his stomach. He managed to let it go away eventually.
He made his way near the contraption. “How much is this, Soojung? I bet it costs millions!”
She laughed. “Not even close. I got it for free when I won the science fair. Remember, the science fair?”
“Oh, right, right. How can I forget?”
He forgot. How could he? All he could remember is a vague picture where Soojung was talking about the solar system and the stars and all the things that he could absorb after losing his mind when his baking soda volcano erupted and ruined his perfectly pressed flannel.
“So what does this do? I wanna know!”
“Check this out.”
Soojung adjusted the neck of the contraption, and brought the lens at the base of the contraption to her left eye. She smiled.
“It’s a telescope, silly. You can see everything!”
Kai really wanted to know. He turned to look, too. And he was in awe at what he can see. It’s a whole galaxy out there.
He took too long because Soojung had to pat him in the back to bring him down to Earth. “Okay there, big boy?”
He stared at her, wide-eyed. “Wow, it’s so beautiful! I had no idea the universe was that big.”
She laughed heartily. “Maybe you should start listening to Science class, Kai.”
She sat down on her bed and Kai leaned on the nearest wall to face her.
“You know why I love looking at the stars and everything that’s out there? It’s because I feel like people know very little about them. What if there’s something out there that hasn’t been discovered yet? Well, duh, there are tons of things that have not yet been discovered but I want to be part of that, you know? I want to be part of something. I want to be the one to discover all those. Even if it means devoting my life to it.”
“C’mon, Soojung, your whole life? Don’t you think that’s quite over the top?”
“I’m serious, Kai. Imagine all the things that I can discover after I finish college. It’s so exciting.”
He has never noticed the way her eyes sparkled like that. Never in all of those years.
It seemed like his whole world flashed before her eyes. And now he knew everything.
-----
Kai ordered pizza for tonight. He was going to see her again after two long years. College is pretty rough, what with tons of routines to master every night and trying to keep his legs intact so as to avoid mishaps. Man, studying for a degree in Dance is so hard. Why did he take it again in the first place?
“Hawaiian, please. Oh, and can I ask for more packets of ketchup? That’d be really great, thanks.”
He sat by the nearby chair and waited. He kept looking at his cellphone to see if she replied to his texts. Still no answer. Damn it. What if she’s not home?
A tall man with wavy hair came in while talking to someone on the phone. He looked Chinese to him, and has a dimple on the right side of his mouth. He had glasses on, but Kai can tell that the guy was very good-looking. Only very geeky, for that matter.
“Uhm, hello, I placed an order earlier this evening.”
“Sure, sir, what is your name and your order?”
“Zhang Yixing. Hawaiian.”
“Oh, okay, here you go, Sir. Enjoy your order.”
The guy smiled an oddly charming smile and went to leave while talking to someone on the phone. “I’m on my way.”
Kai focused his attention to his phone again. How was he supposed to surprise Soojung if he doesn’t even know if she’s home or not? He was sure she was back, though. Although she’s studying Physics in Seoul, he was sure she’s here for the holidays.
With the smell of pepperoni in the air, he decided to just wing it. No harm done if I come over to her place, right? I’ll just ring the doorbell and ask if she’s home. Simple.
He can still smell pepperoni when he rang the doorbell.
“Oh, hi, Mrs. Jung. Is Soojung here?”
“Oh, hi, Kai! Haven’t seen you in a long while. How is college? Oh, and tell your mother I’ll be bringing over chocolate chip for you as soon as they are baked, alright?”
“Alright, Mrs. Jung. Uhh, Is Soojung here?”
“Oh, yes, yes. Wait here. She has someone over, too.”
That didn’t sink in quite yet. “Huh? Who?”
He can see Soojung hurrying over the flight of stairs either of excitement to see him or just the other way around.
As soon as they were face to face, Kai can’t help but smile. He hugged her so tightly. A familiar pair of arms he was too comfortable with. She smelled the same - her favorite scent, strawberries always lying around her house, and… pepperoni?
“I missed you, Jongin.”
Now the warmth is gone. “Since when do you call me Jongin?”
She laughed in his shoulder. “Kai. I meant Kai.”
She let go first, and he wished she didn’t.
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to hang out. Since I’ve figured it’s the holidays, maybe you have some time off of your busy schedule. Dr. Jung should take a break sometimes, you know.”
Soojung frowned. “Uh, Kai, now is not the time.”
“Why not?”
“I’m working on something. For my thesis.”
“In the holidays? C’mon, Soojung, that’s just sad.”
“Hey, you know how strict my university is when it comes to matters like this. Especially that they’re considering me as an intern for NASA.”
He could not believe his ears. “What?! Are you serious?!”
“Yes, I know! I couldn’t believe it, either!” She frowned. “I hope you understand.”
“Of course. But can I still stay while you do your thing? Please, please?” He pouted. “I really want to be with you tonight. Especially that I have…. pizza!”
“Yeah, about that…. I’m really busy, Jongin. Can you visit some other time?”
“Why? And your mom said you have someone over. Why can that person come over and I can’t?”
“It’s because he’s helping me.”
“He?! Who is “he,” exactly?”
“No one! Just a schoolmate.”
“Really, now?”
“It’s true! If you don’t believe me, then fine!”
Kai tried to be very calm, but balled up his fists. He couldn’t help it.
“Okay, can I be introduced to this schoolmate of yours?”
Soojung pouted. She was not liking this one bit. “Fine. Yixing! Come down here. Someone wants to meet you.”
Yixing? That name sounds familiar..
As soon as he came down, Kai looked as if he was about to burst. He can’t believe his luck.
Soojung breathed a heavy sigh. “Jongin, this is Yixing. Yixing, this is Jongin.”
Yixing let out a hand wholeheartedly. “Pleased to meet you.”
Kai just crossed his arms. “Kai. Call me Kai.”
Yixing brushed off the hand and breathed heavily, “Well, it was nice meeting you. I should go upstairs. Oh, and Krystal, I really like your mom’s cookies. They are so delicious!” He then went upstairs.
Kai could not believe his eyes. Soojung was looking at him funny, maybe his eyes went so big. “Why are you staring at me like that?” She said.
Kai pulled her out of the house and into the front yard. “Who the hell is Krystal?! And why is he allowed to eat Mama Jung’s cookies now?”
“Who says mom’s cookies are only for you, huh? And my university has tons of Americans. I must make a cool name for myself, obviously.” She rolled her eyes.
He was pacing back and forth. Everything was happening too fast.
“Okay, wait. So you’re telling me that your name is Krystal, you invite a man over to your house to “work” and I’m not allowed to come over?”
“Why does it matter to you if I invite a man over? Huh?”
He was caught off guard. He doesn’t know what to say. “Uhh, because.. because this guy is not even your boyfriend, let alone your best friend!”
“I happen to know him for a long time, Jongin, all those two years. While I was so lonely, he was there for me. He happened to check on me every day and help me with everything that I am going through, academic or not. He was there for me, Jongin. He’s a very great friend.”
“Oh, so you’re telling me that I’m not there for you all those two years? May I remind you that I text you every day to check if you’re okay. It’s you who’s not even giving the time to talk to me.”
She looked like she was about to cry. “Don’t you understand that I am very busy? What with this internship thing and everything that’s happening to my life right now, I don’t have the time to be there for the people far away from me. Not even my mother, not even my sister, not even you. Yixing.. he was there for me. He is there for me. All those two years, Jongin. He celebrated Christmas with me. All those two years. You didn’t even take the time to greet me a merry Christmas. All those two years.”
Kai looked at her with defeat in his eyes. “A lot has changed after two years, huh?”
She can’t look him in the eye. “And it won’t matter to you if he takes me out on dates every week.”
That hurt more than she could ever realize. He nodded. “Alright. I get it now.
“I get that we’re both two very different people, we could never have the same interests, we could never have the same likes, we could never be in the same world. I mean, we used to. But that’s all in the past now. I guess.”
There was long, deep silence. “Yes. I guess.”
Out in the cold air, Kai was losing his mind. All he ever dreamed of was to be with her. Maybe it was his fault for not realizing that sooner, but she was all he wanted. Nobody else. Nothing else.
He pulled her closer to him and wrapped his arms around her. “I hope you just realize who was there for you your whole life.”
He kissed her on the forehead, and felt her wrap her arms around him. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
He laughed. “I get that your career is more important. I get it, really. I have mine to think about, too.”
“I hope you go for what you truly love. Because me, all I could ever really love is science. What’s there to discover. I hope you find that something that will always remind you about the beautiful things in life.”
He hugged her tighter. “No. I don’t need to search for it anymore.”
She cried even harder. “I’m really sorry, Jongin. I can’t give you what you deserve.”
He faced her and wiped away her tears. “What are you talking about? I wasn’t talking about you, silly. I don’t need to search for what I truly love anymore. I love dance more than anything. And I’m going to go on with life always reminding myself what you said earlier. I’ll go for what I truly love.”
She smiled. “I’m happy, Jongin. Really happy. For us.”
He wanted to cry, though. It was hard lying in front of her. He hugged her even tighter as they felt the first sign of rain trickling on their heads.
-----
“I still love you,” he whispered.
“What do you keep saying, Jongin? You know I can’t hear you. All those years I have been with NASA and rockets has done something to my ears.”
He laughed. “It’s nothing important. Just, thoughts. Yes. Thoughts.”