I have 99 problems, but...
I'm not expecting advice or anything. I just want to write it, and I've got too damn big a mouth to set it on 'private'. Just to get them down, as it were: things that have been major parts of my life these past three years that weren't in the several years prior (i.e. back before my problems started escalating)
1. Grad School: Well, y'all have all heard about that. After muchmuch deliberation, I've decided to ask for a year off and do...something else. See if I can be anything else, as it were. A few possibilities. Speaking of that, I've decided that the sentence "I may have been too sanguine about the subject when we discussed this earlier" is one of the worst sentences to hear ever. It is great that everyone in the department is being real nice about it; even if they have to semi-retract it afterward.
2. Living in Baton Rouge. It has it's good points, but on the whole, I look forward to living in a different-sized city, ideally smaller, but I could go for a true metropolis as well; at least they often have decent public transportation.
3. Been back into online hobbies. I should maybe not be relying so heavily on the computer, etc. for my relaxation. Maybe more so when I'm desperate to relax than at other times, you know? Like what Jane Austen said that people with poetic temperments should only occasionally read poetry. Am not sure whether reading and writing fun things should be a big part of my time off (I should probably cut down in the weeks leading up to my time off, really. But I'll probably just end up panicky anyway).
I'd thought about using some time during the year to get some of the novel ideas I've cultivated written. Not sure if that's a good idea. On the one hand, exploring things I can be good at. On the other: I'm not actually that good a writer, and should maybe focus on getting better at more useful things I'm not good at, like organizational skills or something.
4. My own home. I've lived away from home since I was 16. But that was dorms and, in one case, an apartment I was definitely only in for the summer. not until I bought a house did I have a permanent address separate from my parents. It's helped our relationship some, I think. But she still has bouts of controlfreakery as I slip away. She's not totally unjustified. I am a slob, after all and now...well, I am pretty heavily messed up.
5. Being Married: My husband is awesome. One thing I'm sure I've finally done right. If I were single, I might be in a hospital by now, what with the whole health-corresponding-to-messed-upness thing.
Embarrassing confession? Part of me hopes I mess up the birth control, get pregnant, and have many my decisions made for me by the necessities of that. It's a very, very stupid part of me that I am carefully not listening to (I still take these pills when they're making me sick; I am definitely not listening to it). I'm too messed up to handle a baby's needs properly, and smart enough to know intellectually that the imminent arrival of one won't fix all of that immediately. But the feeling is there, because I'm tired of projecting all our babyplans onto the future, making now a prelude in terms of a family just like it's a prelude to our real careers and all that. I'm sick of living in a damn prelude.
Unfortunately, I stopped slogging through said prelude before I actually changed anything to not make that disastrous for myself. I need to fix that. And I will. This..will require a little more slogging, but I'm going to make something work.
1. Grad School: Well, y'all have all heard about that. After muchmuch deliberation, I've decided to ask for a year off and do...something else. See if I can be anything else, as it were. A few possibilities. Speaking of that, I've decided that the sentence "I may have been too sanguine about the subject when we discussed this earlier" is one of the worst sentences to hear ever. It is great that everyone in the department is being real nice about it; even if they have to semi-retract it afterward.
2. Living in Baton Rouge. It has it's good points, but on the whole, I look forward to living in a different-sized city, ideally smaller, but I could go for a true metropolis as well; at least they often have decent public transportation.
3. Been back into online hobbies. I should maybe not be relying so heavily on the computer, etc. for my relaxation. Maybe more so when I'm desperate to relax than at other times, you know? Like what Jane Austen said that people with poetic temperments should only occasionally read poetry. Am not sure whether reading and writing fun things should be a big part of my time off (I should probably cut down in the weeks leading up to my time off, really. But I'll probably just end up panicky anyway).
I'd thought about using some time during the year to get some of the novel ideas I've cultivated written. Not sure if that's a good idea. On the one hand, exploring things I can be good at. On the other: I'm not actually that good a writer, and should maybe focus on getting better at more useful things I'm not good at, like organizational skills or something.
4. My own home. I've lived away from home since I was 16. But that was dorms and, in one case, an apartment I was definitely only in for the summer. not until I bought a house did I have a permanent address separate from my parents. It's helped our relationship some, I think. But she still has bouts of controlfreakery as I slip away. She's not totally unjustified. I am a slob, after all and now...well, I am pretty heavily messed up.
5. Being Married: My husband is awesome. One thing I'm sure I've finally done right. If I were single, I might be in a hospital by now, what with the whole health-corresponding-to-messed-upness thing.
Embarrassing confession? Part of me hopes I mess up the birth control, get pregnant, and have many my decisions made for me by the necessities of that. It's a very, very stupid part of me that I am carefully not listening to (I still take these pills when they're making me sick; I am definitely not listening to it). I'm too messed up to handle a baby's needs properly, and smart enough to know intellectually that the imminent arrival of one won't fix all of that immediately. But the feeling is there, because I'm tired of projecting all our babyplans onto the future, making now a prelude in terms of a family just like it's a prelude to our real careers and all that. I'm sick of living in a damn prelude.
Unfortunately, I stopped slogging through said prelude before I actually changed anything to not make that disastrous for myself. I need to fix that. And I will. This..will require a little more slogging, but I'm going to make something work.