Asexual angst rant
Haven't had reason to do this in a while.
Went to a poetry slam last night. Most of the poems were really quite good.
There was a guest poet who I guess was famous or something. So ok, they did the common trigger warnings (or were supposed to do them) before certain poems but I can't help but wonder... can they issue a trigger warning or at least a content warning before things involving consensual sexual content too? I know the whole attitude of the community is that sex is totally amazing and the best thing ever but... you know to some people it isn't, and to some people even consensual sex brings up a pretty bad response.
It's not just "Ew sex so gross"... it's more like... in a situation like that, I become extremely alienated. I'm made to become hyper-aware of exactly how different I am from every person in that room, and I'm made to feel like my experience isn't valid. Like no one else in the world could possibly dislike sex. Like I'm not even part of the human race. I know there are people in that room who would try to convince me my sexual orientation is not valid and that they should do something to change it.
Ok, so she said the song was about blowjobs. Maybe that counts as a trigger warning, I don't know. But do you see how it might be problematic to stop the song after the line "Most everyone likes head" in order to stress that you DIDN'T think that should be the lyric, because honestly, WHO doesn't like head? I'm glad to know that you feel sorry for me because of everything I'm missing out of. Yay, a sex positive environment!
I make it through that song, though still pretty disturbed - not helped by the fact that my girlfriend felt it was necessary to grab my hand at the beginning of the song. She probably meant it as support for me but no, do not touch me at this moment. I let go pretty quickly.
Next song is about how every woman in the world should "come". Which yes that is all fine and good if that's something you're looking for and something you enjoy. I support people having satisfactory consensual sex lives. Whatever. But telling every woman in the world she must come or else she's losing out on some fundamental part of being human, it isn't right. I actually don't know much of the content of this song cause I knew I was about to have a breakdown and I focused on trying to remember the lyrics to fun. songs instead which mostly drowned it out. But I know I moved 3 feet away across the table we were leaning against and couldn't move close to my girlfriend again for five minutes afterward because if anyone had tried to touch me it just would have felt disgusting.
I feel like everyone is staring, wondering, "what's your problem? Why DON'T you want to have sex? Don't you know you can't possibly live a fulfilling life without it? How sad for you. Maybe you just haven't had the RIGHT sex yet. What's wrong with you why can't you just enjoy it?"
I imagine that my body is made of weapons and I can fight them all off when they come toward me and try to touch me and change me and convert me to whatever it is they think they should be. I imagine I can fight them off but they would wonder why - because they see it as saving me, they see it as something good. Which is fine for yourself but fuck off and leave me alone.