In Which Our Heroine Is Feeling More Than A Little Odd...
Well, add another one to the count of folks getting engaged.
Jacki now. Officially.
I found out via my mom via her mom a few days ago.
This whole "friends getting engaged" thing is weird for me, because I can't help but sit back and think how some of my friends have all the luck with this sort of thing. They fall for people easily, don't fight it tooth and nail like I instinctively do, and the people they fall for are so blatantly open about their return of regard that it's like they're magnetic, just drawn together.
Why are they so lucky, and why am I not?
I know I should be thankful for my gifts, but it feels like some of my friends manage to always get just a little or a lot more than I do.
Sometimes, I get horrible thoughts wishing that something will go wrong for them. I feel horrible for it, but sometimes I wonder when I'm going to be the one who manages to win. Something. Anything. Some small concession is all I ask.
My narrow victories are solitary, skills at thrift or the joy of some good tea. A passing grade that I dare not share with anyone else for fear they think I am gloating. A book or song. The moment when it becomes warm enough to wear a skirt. Twenty-eight sonnets and counting written since the cease fire in the sonnet war. All in pentameter. The moment, when I am singing "Job, Job" in choir, when the key changes and the second sopranos take off with the melody, intense and potent. A nocturne walk in the cool air, forgetting where I am or why I am for the sake of the night.
*sigh*
But at the same time, I'm happy. My life is going curiously well, and my small victories are enough most days. Sometimes, even, I think that I have too many victories. I never thought I'd say this in an entry that began with being about friends finding love and whatever, but I hate being a geek magnet.
Grant is still acting like he likes me, although I think something broke inside him last month when the shipping was being discussed. It's strange, and I don't know how to describe the change properly. He's sitting at the table more often, but there's something different in his eyes now. My friend Chris has suddenly begun calling my room phone to hijack me to hang out, including going with his roommate and him to see How To Train Your Dragon. He's an oblivious kid most of the time, tending more toward asexuality than most of the guys I know, but it's still odd. Some of my other guy friends are hitting on me now, and frequently, which is strange to say the least. Inside jokes rise between some of us, and others are just blatantly sexual about certain things.
I wish I could go back to being boy-proof. Crushes are much easier to deal with when they're impossible and I don't have my natural fear of letting somebody get too close activated by that person's willingness to get close.
I suppose what I'm really jealous of is the fact that some of my friends are able to offer themselves freely, and I prefer to take my careful steps slowly spiraling in, but heaven help the one who reaches out to catch me.
*sigh*
Perhaps it's the rain today. Perhaps it's the fact I was thinking about the whole Mike situation today due to events on Friday (nothing bad, just gamer night and a moment of strangeness therein). Perhaps it's just that the thought of being a senior in a short while fills me with melancholy and fear. Perhaps it's that I haven't had my requisite amount of hugs in a few weeks. Perhaps it's sleep deprivation.
Perhaps it's just that I am waiting for something inside of me to break.
Until it does, I wait for voices in my teapot and hope to high heaven that I recognize them when they speak.
Jacki now. Officially.
I found out via my mom via her mom a few days ago.
This whole "friends getting engaged" thing is weird for me, because I can't help but sit back and think how some of my friends have all the luck with this sort of thing. They fall for people easily, don't fight it tooth and nail like I instinctively do, and the people they fall for are so blatantly open about their return of regard that it's like they're magnetic, just drawn together.
Why are they so lucky, and why am I not?
I know I should be thankful for my gifts, but it feels like some of my friends manage to always get just a little or a lot more than I do.
Sometimes, I get horrible thoughts wishing that something will go wrong for them. I feel horrible for it, but sometimes I wonder when I'm going to be the one who manages to win. Something. Anything. Some small concession is all I ask.
My narrow victories are solitary, skills at thrift or the joy of some good tea. A passing grade that I dare not share with anyone else for fear they think I am gloating. A book or song. The moment when it becomes warm enough to wear a skirt. Twenty-eight sonnets and counting written since the cease fire in the sonnet war. All in pentameter. The moment, when I am singing "Job, Job" in choir, when the key changes and the second sopranos take off with the melody, intense and potent. A nocturne walk in the cool air, forgetting where I am or why I am for the sake of the night.
*sigh*
But at the same time, I'm happy. My life is going curiously well, and my small victories are enough most days. Sometimes, even, I think that I have too many victories. I never thought I'd say this in an entry that began with being about friends finding love and whatever, but I hate being a geek magnet.
Grant is still acting like he likes me, although I think something broke inside him last month when the shipping was being discussed. It's strange, and I don't know how to describe the change properly. He's sitting at the table more often, but there's something different in his eyes now. My friend Chris has suddenly begun calling my room phone to hijack me to hang out, including going with his roommate and him to see How To Train Your Dragon. He's an oblivious kid most of the time, tending more toward asexuality than most of the guys I know, but it's still odd. Some of my other guy friends are hitting on me now, and frequently, which is strange to say the least. Inside jokes rise between some of us, and others are just blatantly sexual about certain things.
I wish I could go back to being boy-proof. Crushes are much easier to deal with when they're impossible and I don't have my natural fear of letting somebody get too close activated by that person's willingness to get close.
I suppose what I'm really jealous of is the fact that some of my friends are able to offer themselves freely, and I prefer to take my careful steps slowly spiraling in, but heaven help the one who reaches out to catch me.
*sigh*
Perhaps it's the rain today. Perhaps it's the fact I was thinking about the whole Mike situation today due to events on Friday (nothing bad, just gamer night and a moment of strangeness therein). Perhaps it's just that the thought of being a senior in a short while fills me with melancholy and fear. Perhaps it's that I haven't had my requisite amount of hugs in a few weeks. Perhaps it's sleep deprivation.
Perhaps it's just that I am waiting for something inside of me to break.
Until it does, I wait for voices in my teapot and hope to high heaven that I recognize them when they speak.