Awkwardness; Hoya/Sunggyu
Title : Awkwardness
Word Count : 2300+ words
Pairing : Hoya/Sunggyu
Rating : PG-13
Summary : Hoya becomes insecure about his awkwardness, and Sunggyu tries to tell that he shouldn't.
Notes : This was written before I know that Hoya never gets drunk that easily, since he can drink until morning without getting drunk like the rest of Infinite lmao.
It was silent in the car, and the awkwardness grew even bigger after the dancer of the group tried out a lame joke but stopped half way due to the unbearable silence by the members. Maybe it wasn’t really a failure if he continued, at least Sungjong might laugh due to pity, or Sungyeol might snort a bit for the ridiculousness of his far-fetched adlibs. But he sensed them being uninterested by those expressions on their face, practically begging for him to just shut up.
This wasn’t the first time though, and he didn’t need to be told to stop. They were tired perhaps, the recording for their variety show was a bit too long that day and everyone was exhausted.
Hoya shifted a bit on his seat, adjusting himself until he faced the window on his right instead. Trying to hide his reddened ear and face, mostly because of a tad of embarrassment and the hotness that maybe came from the little spark of disappointment inside him. It was always like this, his self-esteem shrunk day by day but he tried to ignore it, believing that he was improving, he was doing his best to overcome it.
He still remembered the first time he tried to stretch that smile over his face, finding it super hard to do. Smiling for no reason wasn’t his style, that’s how he earned that dark personality. But he couldn’t stand the blame when some articles online said their group had a very unfriendly member, looking so smug and arrogant. So there he learnt to smile. Despite the awkwardness to do so, despite the so unfitting situation with his inner feeling. It turned out well, he deceived the other’s eyes by his rather sweet smile, concealing his own real emotion with that appealing beam on his handsome face.
Like that exact moment, he managed to smile when Myungsoo beside him suddenly nudged his arm and passed him sweets. It must have looked plastic and awkward, but Myungsoo seemed convinced as that visual looked back to the front. Hoya relaxed his back, leaned onto the seat and let that sweets stayed in his clenched fist.
At the front seat was the leader, sighing silently at the view he could see from the rear mirror. Sunggyu was the one, perhaps the only one that was sure, that the smile Hoya just showed wasn’t genuine. It was forced. As soon as they arrived at their dorm building, Hoya was the first to get out and head to the apartment floor he shared with Sunggyu and Dongwoo.
Sunggyu knew as the leader he automatically was given the responsibility to detect flaws and fix them straight away before those things affect the whole group. Well, specifically, before they affect the one and only Hoya in the group. He had this one soft spot for that boy since their trainee days, whether it was affection or brotherly love, Sunggyu didn’t really think about it.
Maybe it was an affection he had for Hoya, of which he hadn’t realized it himself. Or maybe it was just due to his responsibility of not allowing any members to be engulfed in such melancholic and sad condition.
So, being the good leader he was, that night after they bid goodnight to the other four members who live up in another floor, he went out for a moment and came back to the dorm with a black plastic bag in his hand. When he entered Hoya’s room after knocking twice, he was welcomed with a rather dark and gloomy aura in the room. Hoya just looked up, eyes droopy and hair messed up, damp after the shower.
“What are you doing?” Sunggyu started, he sounded a bit croaky.
“I don’t know. Stuff..?” Hoya replied weakly, tilting his tablet to Sunggyu and there was a video playing on the skrin. Hip hop again, of course. Sunggyu scratched his temple not-so-obviously and cleared his throat.
“Well, let’s do something more fun.. aren’t you bored with hip hop?” Sunggyu settled down next to Hoya, resting his back on the bunk bed behind them.
“No..” Hoya simply replied. But even though his reply was short, Sunggyu noticed there was a hint of change in his expression. Hoya even shifted to the side a bit so he won’t be too close nor too far from Sunggyu.
Sunggyu smiled, and reached out for the thing that was inside the plastic bag. “Here, have one.”
“Beer? Why are we suddenly drinking beer tonight?” Hoya raised his brow questioningly, but Sunggyu just smiled sheepishly as he scooted closer to Hoya, and when the younger didn’t even flinch at their shoulders touching like that, Sunggyu breathed out in relief.
“Well.. just drink.. I feel like doing so..” Sunggyu opened his beer can first and drank it. Soon, Hoya followed suit.
“What’s so fun though. I can’t tolerate alcohol that much.”
“Just be my drink buddy tonight.”
It’s a lie if Hoya didn’t realize the real intention behind Sunggyu’s act. He felt rather bad though, as if he was getting the pity that he hated. But he liked it too, at least someone managed to see through those layers of façade he put on his face. At least, someone wasn’t cringing at his awkwardness. He hoped so. Sitting together with Sunggyu like that kind of eased his tense a bit, there wasn’t a need for him to say everything. Sunggyu knew. He knew that Sunggyu knew.
“Why don’t you just do this with Dongwoo hyung?” Hoya stared at the tip of the can, eyeing the drop of that beer rolling down the can before he thumbed it away.
“You’re more fun, I guess.”
Hoya snorted at that. It wasn’t a bad answer though.
It was Hoya’s third beer and Sunggyu’s fourth when he realized he had been resting his head on Sunggyu’s shoulder, the latter let his arm fall loose on Hoya’s laps as he also rested his head on top of Hoya’s. The rapper had been slurring in his speech already, meanwhile Sunggyu was still sober. He thought so, since he can still register everything that Hoya mumbled, all those light touches Hoya gave on his arm and thigh as strings of rants poured out of Hoya’s mouth.
No more awkwardness, no more keeping to himself. In fact, he seemed more like a little child, face tinged with redness from the drunken effect.
Although, it hurt to listen to what Hoya was talking about.
“I’m the one who act almighty, the icon of bravado..” Hoya hiccupped, his hand was brought onto his chest, slapping there but not too hard. “Whose words won’t be heard with sincerity. Whose jokes are lame.. and nobody..” Hoya stopped, his breathing seemed to tremble a bit. “..nobody can stand being alone with me.. because.. I am awkward.” He finished that sentence, before he turned his face and buried it into Sunggyu’s shoulder.
“No..” Sunggyu whispered slowly.
“Yes..” Came his muffled respond, before he looked up. “..and I even got your pity. Ain’t I pathetic?” His brows were frowned, his eyes got teary. That was rare, this Busan boy never cry. Put aside that scene from their first winning, usually he won’t cry like this. Sunggyu sat up straight and held the younger on his shoulders.
“Look, Hoya. No, you are not pathetic. You need to be more confident. You need someone to help you, okay?” Sunggyu drew his face closer to Hoya to make sure the younger look at him.
“Who is that someone..” Hoya replied weakly, voice already hoarse.
“Me. I can help you.” That made Hoya stare at him even longer. He tried to process what was the real thing Sunggyu was trying to convey. But his mind wasn’t completely him, he’s too drunk to even figure out what was the time at that moment. He stared at the leader, eyes soon drawn to his pair of lips. Out of any other part of his face.
And he was sure he was driven completely by the alcohol when he muttered the next thing.
“Kiss me then.”
“W-what?” Sunggyu blinked his eyes repeatedly, that was totally unexpected.
“I.. need to assure myself something. Please, help me. Just.. kiss me all the way you want..” Hoya had already touched his forehead to Sunggyu’s. He didn’t really hear himself saying such things. He was drunk.
Sunggyu might be sober, but he’s also a bit tipsy too so without thinking much, he leaned in, complying. Kiss me all the way you want. That was kept at the back of his mind as his lips landed on the upper lips of Hoya, softly pressing onto it before he closed his eyes. Then he moved a bit, angled himself in a better position before he kissed Hoya again, this time he sucked both his lips and tried to make the younger mirror his movement. This was like a wish come true, who knows he get to kiss this dongsaeng without much effort to ask.
Timidly, Hoya parted his lips a bit as his hands moved awkwardly up and down Sunggyu’s shoulders. The alcohol should have helped him, by being drunk he should have known how to kiss, how to react when he felt the wet tongue brushing on his lips, that soft nibble on his lower lips. He could feel Sunggyu’s fingers touching his face softly, tracing from his face until the back of his ears. That made him wanted to moan into the kiss, to groan onto Sunggyu’s still moving lips on his. He opened his mouth a bit wider and in no time Sunggyu shoved down his tongue into his mouth, soon Hoya could feel that other muscle exploring his own mouth. That was new, like totally new. He was stunned and was unsure on how to respond.
The kiss continued despite Hoya’s stillness, Sunggyu deepening the kiss like he was getting possessed by Hoya’s alluring mouth. The trace of the beer was tasted completely as he sucked on Hoya’s lips and let his tongue dominating the hot cavern of Hoya’s. He held Hoya at the back of his neck as he kissed the swollen pair of lips, the unmoving lips. Hot breath hitting each other’s faces.
Hoya realized it was wrong. It was awkward. In his hazy sane mind, he has gotten the answer, he was finally assured of what he had been guessing. He brought his hands onto Sunggyu’s chest and with his remaining energy, he pushed the older and broke the kiss. Their heavy pants filled the room, eyes half-lidded as they grew further than each other bit by bit. Soon Sunggyu was hit by realization, as if the spell has broken he gaped and gasped.
He admitted, that was one real hot kiss that he wished he could continue even longer but Sunggyu felt like he shouldn’t use Hoya who was in his drunken state like that. He muttered a quick apology, he intended to. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t - “
“I’m awkward. I’m sorry. I can’t.” Hoya murmured, head lowered down.
“But..”
“That was my..” Hoya halted, and he looked away. “No, I’m awkward.. at everything..” Hoya stood up, it took him great effort not to stumble down as he held onto the closet door next to him.
“Where are you going?” Sunggyu wanted to stop him but Hoya was already swaying his hand, telling Sunggyu to stay away. But still, it was Hoya’s room they were in, why was it Hoya who was leaving. But by looking at the hunched back of the younger, the sorrow was radiated once again. Sunggyu sat there, processing everything as if Hoya was conveying hidden messages through broken pieces that scattered throughout the room.
Hoya had always been this dark and sort of emo when he’s being himself, not the on-screen Infinite’s Hoya who will do anything, even aegyo stuff that made him a perfect duo combined with Woohyun. But this time the sadness, the disappointment, were rather strange and unusual albeit him being pretty drunk.
It felt like the first time.
“Shit.” Sunggyu hissed.
By the time he succeeded in combining everything into a reasonable piece of information, he heard a loud thud out of the room. Considering there was nobody else but just Hoya out there, Sunggyu rose up and fought the sudden dizziness he got and dashed out of the room. In the dim living room, on the floor was Hoya, lying in a curl on next to the big sofa they had in their apartment.
Sunggyu quickly made his way to Hoya and lifted that boy up. Grunts were heard, Hoya protested a bit at being held up like that but Sunggyu was stronger so he managed to put Hoya lying on the sofa instead of the cold floor. He plopped down onto the floor, facing the sleeping Hoya. The younger boy still had that frown on his face, his lips were still trembling, his expression was still dark. Sunggyu sighed, he brought his fingers towards Hoya’s forehead, brushing the hair that fell on the thick brows to the side.
“It was your first kiss, of course you’d be awkward.. you dumb.” Sunggyu murmured.
Hoya winced a bit, Sunggyu pressed his lips thinly afraid that Hoya might have heard what he had said. His heart throbbed at the thought of Hoya still believing that he was awkward. Well, Sunggyu had to stop that. Before such belief ruins this boy. He grabbed Hoya’s hand and firmly held it close to his chest before he leaned in, lips almost touching Hoya’s ear.
“You’re not awkward. To me, you’re not.” He softly whispered that.
He wasn’t sure if it was illusion or the darkness played a trick onto his sight. But he saw no more frown on Hoya’s face afterwards.