Pokemon fic Flint & Volkner
Fandom: Pokemon
Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K/ PG-13
Characters: Flint, Volkner, Cyrus, Dawn
The remnants of what once stood as a proud Gym lay in a big, burnt heap as ashes were spread to the wind. The smoking remains had attracted the attention of the newer residents of Sunyshore and visitors alike, but the elderly of the City knew full well what had happened. What had happened then, in the past and what would happen in the future - though many would admit things had crossed the line a little too far this time. Two figures remained by the smouldering building at all times.
"Ahhhh, it's so pretty. Burnt right down to the cinders…" a breathy voice said.
"Flint… stop saying that."
The figure squatting amongst the charred rubble turned to look at the person stood beside him. "You really should look after your Gym better, Volk. Cynthia's gonna kill ya."
"What does Cynthia care? She doesn't have to pay for any of this. The Pokemon Association does. Besides, maybe they'll finally fire me…" the blonde sighed.
"Don't worry!" the redhead grinned a dangerously wide grin after his friends' typical negative reply while running the ash through his fingers. "I've got it all sorted!"
"Oh, god."
Hovering his hands over the warm cinders Flint continued, "it wasn't easy either! First you scare away all the workmen in the area, then you scare the authorities off too! Y'know no one's willing to investigate who burnt yer Gym down? But I did… a few favours… for Cynth and she sent out a freelance trainer to help us!"
Volkner scowled before throwing on his best blank expression in the face of such blind optimism. "Flint, we don't need help. We already know who did this."
"What makes us so sure?" the Elite narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, I don't know," Volkner waved his hands back-and-forth, "it could be that sign over that that says 'Cyrus Waz 'ere', but what do I know? It could've been anyone."
"Exactly! 'coulda been anyone!" Flint boomed, ignorant of the lines of ash neatly spread out to leave the culprit's name in plain view thus totally ignoring his best friend in the process, "which is why we're getting a freelance trainer to help!"
A long moment of silence followed his words as they sunk into the blonde. "You-just-ugh-ah-augh! Get off! Get off my Gym right now! Off!" Volkner struggled on his sentence as his friend's blatant stupidity bled a gaping hole through his mental defences. "I've had just about enough of you! Hey! Are you listening?"
The Fire trainer leant forward on his hands and knees to take a deep breath of the heavy wisps of smoke rising from the Gym, completely disregarding the Gym Leader. "Ash is the best thing about fire, it's so fine and smooth and pretty and ahhh…" he let out a shuddering breath that left the blonde slightly scared and very worried as he watched on.
His train of thought was thankfully interrupted as a large shadow cast over the pair. "Hey, guys!" a faint voice called over the beating of wings and soon a girl hopped politely from her Pokemon as the Staraptor landed. She dashed over to them, "what happened?"
"Other than Flint about to orgasm, nothing," Volkner deadpanned the girl, turning to her.
Upon hearing his name Flint jerked to his feet, quickly placing himself in between his friend and the newcomer. "Yo, hotshot! Did Cynth send ya? That lady's got goooood taste!"
Resisting the initial knee-jerk reaction to either run or slap the Elite Third, the girl bowed her head politely. "Hello Flint, it's nice to see you."
"It's so great to see you too!" Flint immediately exploded in joy, throwing his arms out for a giant hug before another pair of arms hooked under his and he found himself face-down on the floor. "Ugghh…"
Volkner stood back from where he tossed the Elite, brushing his hands off. "Dawn, are you the freelance trainer?"
"I am!" the dark haired trained smiled proudly. "I may not have beaten Cynthia but I came top of the League challengers. In return for using the League facilities I have to take on jobs the Elite Four can't be bothered with." She glanced around at the smoking mess that was Sunyshore Gym, "so, nothing happened, huh?"
"It doesn't matter since we know who did it," Volkner shrugged. "What we need is a replace arena. I'm sure as hell not battling trainers outside. Who knows who'll watch! It's absurd!"
"Oh yeah, battling outside is real absurd," Dawn mumbled to herself before clearing her throat to gain the attention of both men. "How do you know who did it?" she asked as Volkner pointed out the message left from Cyrus on the ground. "Okay."
Despite the Sunyshore Gym Leader's claim he was actually one of the most publicised Leaders in Sinnoh all because of the drama that unfolded in the seaside city on a regular basis. It seemed all (the then Team Galactic Leader) Cyrus had to do in recent years was to harass the Electric Leader with increasingly harebrained schemes. Ever since the trainers from Twinleaf town had disbanded his organisation the man had redoubled his efforts to bring down Sunyshore Gym with renewed vigour. And lately that had ranged from re-wiring everything in the building to the more recent 'burn down everything, laugh manically and leave a massive copyright in the ashes'. Suffice to say, Volkner was not pleased, but he had brought the whole thing on himself and wasn't above retaliation.
"I remember," Dawn started," when I battled Cyrus he mentioned he loved Sunyshore and wouldn't harm it, but he didn't love you two," she indicated the pair of friends. "He said you two shouldn't be allowed to be friends by cosmic law."
"What?" Both men looked equally perplexed.
"He said when two foreign bodies of complete and utter depression and over the top enthusiam collided the universe would implode! Therefore he had to kill one of you. To save the universe of course. He was very adamant about that bit," Dawn finished with a completely unreadable expression.
Volkner shook his head. "That's not the reason."
"Yeah!" Flint chimed. "He wants to kill Volkner 'cause Volk always used to set fire to him when we were little!"
"Oh wow, really?" Dawn squealed.
"It's true," Volkner's pained expression bled into his voice, "we all wanted to be Fire trainers then…"
"Evidently I was the only one good enough," Flint flicked his nose and wagged his eyebrows as the other two trainers watched him.
Despite the Elite's obvious giant ego Dawn felt she could knock it with ease, "even though you only have two Fire types?" she prodded.
"Hey!" Flint turned on her. "Rude much! I have others! They're just… away right now, umph."
The young girl raised a sceptical eyebrow, though from what the Bug Elite Aaron had told her about the Fire Elite's antics she wouldn't be surprised at anything he said or did. He'd probably put them away just to annoy challengers. Or maybe he was just weird; she shrugged, either made sense in her opinion. But if Cynthia herself hadn't said anything then who was she to either?
"H-hey, what the-?" Dawn's hands scrambled for a steady grip in the feathers of her Pokemon as the area around her suddenly started wobbling and rippling. "W-what's going on?" she asked the distorted image of the blonde, panicked.
"Flint's having a flashback," Volkner ground out through clenched teeth, looking towards the redhead rocking to-and-fro on his heals with a finger pressed to his lips. "Nice work."
Dawn wailed; "I'm sorry! I didn't know! Ugh… it's making me feel sick…"
"Hey, Cyrus! You alright back there?" a small child with shoulder length red hair shouted from the rock he'd plonked himself on. Eventually another child with shocking blue hair fell forward from behind a big boulder. The redhead turned to look further up the mountain him and his friends had decided to climb on the hunt for Fire Pokemon. All they'd seen so far were Graveller though. "Yo, Volk! Cy's down!"
The redhead jumped down next to his fallen friend as a scuffling noise knocked several pebbles and stones down from the peak of the mountain (which was more like a small mound) as a blonde boy emerged atop a big boulder (more like a large rock). "What're you losers doing?" he hollered down.
"Cy's out!" Flint shouted back to his friend. "One of us'll have to carry him or something!"
Volkner screwed his face up with contempt. "Screw that!" he shouted while jumping down from his perch to land aside the two other boys. "Do you have any idea how much he weighs? He never listens when we tell him he's too fat."
"What're we gonna do then?" Flint asked. "'Suppose we could leave 'im here…"
"Nah, I've got a better idea," Volkner flipped out a Charizard lighter from his shorts pocket before waving it menacingly. "Hey, Cy, last chance to get up!"
The older boy groaned as he looked up at his two tormenters, "you… didn't even give me a… first chance…!"
"We're on a tight schedule," Volkner lied, shaking his head. When the frail boy still didn't move he held the lighter over the boy's head. "Now remember, Cyrus; this is for your own good," he soothed before lighting the boy's hair.
"AAHHH!" Cyrus flailed to his feet instantly before adopting the 'Stop, drop and roll' procedure with desperate vigour.
"I love the smell of fire," Flint mentioned as the pair watched the older boy painfully squirm back and forth.
"I used to be such a happy child… 'till Flint wore me down." Volkner commented wistfully as the Fire Elite came back to reality.
"Uhhhh, anyway," Dawn coughed lightly to draw the trainer's attention to her again while blatantly ignoring the scene just witnessed, "what is there we can do about the Gym? If this is Volkner's fault then he deserves this…" she turned her apologetic expression on the Gym Leader.
"I know," Volkner heaved a dejected sigh. "At least Jasmine's not here to mock me."
"No, you have me for that!" Flint flung an arm around his best friend, oblivious to the death glare directed at him.
Dawn crossed her arms, "seriously, guys. This is a vendetta between you three. I can hardly help any more than I already have," she referred to beating Cyrus numerous times thus bringing down Team Galactic as she went about challenging the Gyms. "Who called me anyway?"
Flint timidly raised his hand as if answering to a stern teacher, "uh, I did." He turned cross-eyed as the young girl pointed her finger in his face.
"Think before you act next time!" she scolded. "And you!" she turned on the Gym Leader making him jump as Flint fiddled with the braces of his trousers, "if you know what's good for you then you'll apologise to Cyrus! He might be the biggest jerk on the planet but you're no better."
"Yes," Volkner bowed his head to the side.
"Right. Good," she said sternly before climbing back on the Flying Pokemon who'd stood by passively throughout the whole ordeal. Eyeing them one last time she left one last warning; "if you keep wasting trainer's time like this then Cynthia's going to cut your pay. Got it?"
"Yes, ma'am," the two friends chorused. Dawn threw them another sharp warning look before Staraptor took to the sky with a mighty thrust of feathers. The pair watched as her silhouette faded into the distance before turning to each other.
"I'm not always depressed," Volkner complained indignantly.
"Yes, you are," Flint countered.
"No, I'm not."
"Okay then, show me… your happy face!" Volkner remained looking annoyed. "Show me your… amused face! Amused face!" Still the look of irritation didn't leave the blonde. Flint continued, "bemused! Elated! Ecstatic! Surprised face! Show me your angry face!"
Volkner kneed him in the crotch.
Of which crumpled him swiftly, "y-yeah, ya got… anger down…oof."
Fandom: Pokemon
Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K/ PG-13
Characters: Flint, Volkner
Warnings: It's insane. Srsly, it's that episode of Mighty Boosh
It had seemed like a good idea at the time; something to fill in another day of monotonous boredom. Something to take the… boredom out of the… boredom. Though now, when he thought about it, another day of repetitive pacing and complaining about his Gym, and boredom would have been much better than…
"Are you going to eat that?"
Volkner looked up at the voice, then looked down at the green mound in his hand disdainfully. "… no, Flint," he sighed, holding his hand out to his friend.
The fire-head quickly snatched the foodstuff and swallowed it whole. "This isn't all that bad!"
"It's moss, Flint."
"Good moss! Tastes like… cabbage."
"It's got things living in it."
"Like… snails?"
"… what the hell?" Volkner looked at his friend. What was he blathering on about? "I was thinking more… mites. They infest warm moist areas likes these tunnels and lay their eggs in the moss. It's common knowledge."
"It is?" Flint replied, sputtering the stuff everywhere.
"Yeah, and if you eat the eggs they hatch in your stomach and live there till you die."
"Really?" Flint asked, wide eyed. "They better not be in my stomach," he said while pointing.
"They are," Volkner nodded.
"'cause if they are, I'll kill 'em."
"You can't kill them once they're in there. Unless… you kill yourself. That'd show 'em!"
"I'm not killing myself," Flint deadpanned. "I cut myself shaving yesterday and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Just imagine how bad it'd be if I killed myself! I'd probably die!"
Volkner facepalmed.
Deciding to leave his friend for a while he got up from the rock he'd been sat on to examine the tunnel walls. The Fire Elite was just full of great ideas. And apparently Roark was more than willing to go along with them, if only to spite Volkner. Sometimes he got the feeling the boy disliked him. Like most people, he sighed.
The three of them had been picking away at the walls about the Underground and deciding on a good spot for a secret base so they could meet secretly - Flint's idea of course. He'd not be caught dead in such a place nor doing such a thing. Besides, why'd they need to meet secretly anyway? What would they do? Play Scrabble and talk about their fellow trainers behind their backs? Jasmine would soon sniff them out anyway; she was ruthless!
He shook his head to keep his mind on track. Right. So they'd been picking away at the walls, then Roark had noticed a particularly big 'sparkle' and hammered at it till the tunnel caved in, effectively trapping them on either side of the debris. And as luck would have it… Roark got the side with the exit.
Now he was stuck somewhere under Sinnoh with his moss-eating friend and no Pokemon. Fantastic.
"Hey, Volkner?"
"Wh-?" he turned around only to receive a mouthful of the rancid green fungi. "Augh, augh! Flint, what the hell!"
"You have to keep your strength up," the taller man waved his finger like a mother hen.
"Argh, no! You just don't do that! I've had it!" Volkner got to his feet sharply and stalked across the cave floor to grab a crowbar lying around and drew a rough line in the ground. "There, I've drawn a line. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. And by the way; it doesn't taste anything like cabbage."
Flint frowned, "but Volk…"
"No, that's final! Now," he looked around, "God forbid we're going to be rescued, so I'm going to make a base for the night."
"How ya gonna do that?" Flint looked suddenly pleased with himself, "all the tools are on my side."
Volkner watched Flint indicate that fact. "Alright fine, we'll just redraw the line..."
"Nono, you said that was final."
"… fine!" throwing up his hands the blonde stormed off to what he soon found to be a dead end.
Shit.
He woke up at what he assumed to be morning of the next day to find Flint had taken up base right near the dividing line that trapped him against a dead end yet left Flint with all the wandering space he desired. And it seemed the man had done a fair share of wandering since he had potted plants around the entrance to his cave and several sparkling orbs buried all over.
Volkner stood up, stretched and looked at his sad attempt at a base; his jacket held up by the crowbar. Lame.
Flint came out numerous times to lord it over him, but he never gave the afro the pleasure of a reaction.
Hours later Flint returned after another wonder around the underground. Apparently he was trading his orbs for mundane items to decorate his new dwelling. The hikers he was dealing with were either also stuck or just didn't care enough to help the pair escape back to the surface. Volkner was very bemused by it all.
Coming back with the spade and an armful of orbs Flint set about burying them around his 'garden'.
"Yeah, yeah… I see. Oh, of course!"
He looked up as Volkner suddenly started talking to someone. Walking over to his handmade fence across the dividing line he leaned over to look at his friend; the blonde was sat under his 'tent' talking to… a rock.
"Who's that, Volk?" he asked.
The Gym Leader suddenly stopped his conversation, looking up. "This is Grisly Jim. Grisly Jim, Flint," he introduced them.
"What ya talkin' about?"
Volkner shrugged. "Just world matters. Important things, you know?"
"… can I join in?" he asked hopefully.
Volkner looked at him then turned back to the rock with a crude face etched into it. He gestured and spoke quietly to it then turned back. "We're not sure. What have you got to offer?"
"Well, I've got the hair. I could do Grisly Jim's!"
"Mmmm, I'm not sure… you're quite what we're looking for here at the Granite Lodge. We like sophistication and you're, well…" Volkner trailed off, the damage done.
Flint scowled then flipped them both off before stomping back to his base. Volkner and Grisly Jim tsked and shook their heads.
Grisly Jim wasn't as interesting as Volkner first thought, he mused as he listened to the rock lecture him about the architecture of the underground. Honestly, Flint was better company - at least he was entertaining. But Grisly Jim was sensitive, so he couldn't miss a lecture.
"Ohahahah!" He suddenly looked around as he heard Flint's loud fake laugh. Obviously the man wanted him to investigate… so he would.
He walked over to look through the hole in Flint's base. Leaning in the window he saw Flint sat at a table talking to a rock covered in moss. "What are you doing, Flint?"
"Oh, Volkner!" the man jumped up, carrying the rock with him. "I'd like you to meet Beatrice," he held the long haired rock forward.
He bowed and smiled at Beatrice then hissed for Flint to come outside. "Where'd you find her? She's gorgeous!"
"I know," Flint chuckled. "There I was just out lookin' for more orbs and saw her sat at the side of the path. Poor thing must've been hitchhiking. We hit it off right away!" he smiled broadly.
"Does she have a sister?" Volkner asked quietly.
The redhead replied in the negative, "sorry, mate. Only child. Now, if you'll excuse me," he sniffed haughtily, returning to his base.
Taking Beatrice on their third date Flint came across Volkner under the tent again as they returned. The blonde was laughing and smiling at a rock with extremely long moss hair and an uncanny resemblance to Grisly Jim.
"Must be Grisly Jim's sister," he said to Beatrice as they walked over to the pair. "Uh, who's that, Volk?"
"This?" Volkner looked surprised, then smiled again at the rock next to him. "This is Jenny."
Flint looked hard at the moss covered rock then leaned in as Beatrice whispered in his ear. "That's Grisly Jim in a wig," he stated, leering at his friend.
The blonde stared in silence. Flint just laughed at him, strolling home with his date. "So sad."
With the couple out of sight Volkner knocked Grisly Jim over. "Well, that was a great idea. Good work."
Later in the day (or the next day - he'd really lost count) Volkner decided to drop by his friend as Grisly Jim had just finished his latest lecture on the plant life of the underground that'd killed his brain. He barged in the base without knocking.
"Whoa, Volk! Knock before ya come in! We're… doing things," Flint whined.
Volkner looked around to notice another lovely lady sat at the table with Flint and Beatrice. He hissed at his friend again. "Who's that?"
"That's Gertrude," the redhead whispered as he came over. "She's friends with Beatrice."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, introduce us!" Volkner hissed.
"What do ya mean?"
"I mean, well," he waved his hands about. "There's two of them, two of us…"
Flint gasped, "ya don't mean…? She's best friends with Beatrice!"
"Oh come on. Do me a favour! I'm always hooking you up."
The Elite wrung his hands, thinking about it. "Auh, fine. But ya better not screw it up!"
"I won't, I won't," he pat the taller man on the back. "Thanks."
For a long while after they'd been introduced both couples sat in silence around the table. Volkner smiled nervously as he sat next to Gertrude watching Flint and Beatrice whisper amongst themselves. Eventually Flint looked over at them.
"Beatrice was just asking what we do for fun when we're not working in the League," he left the statement hanging for his friend.
The blonde picked up the loose end quickly, "usually we both sit at the lighthouse in Sunyshore throwing rocks into the sea. Hey, you two should come along when we get out of here, it's great-oh! Oh, my God," he looked apologetically at Flint as both women scowled. "I'm so sorry - I didn't mean - !"
After both rocks retired for the night Flint took Volkner aside. "Dude, I wasn't going to mention that till after the wedding! D'you know that makes us serial killers?" He gestured to the bed at the back of the base, "I'll be lucky to get a look in tonight thanks to you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Volkner apologised again. "I was just really nervous." Looking over at Gertrude on the sofa he continued; "I mean, she's beautiful."
"I know, I know," Flint laid a hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Just be cool."
More time passed and Flint had made several more friends. Enough, in fact, to throw a party in his garden. He vaulted over the picket fence to the base him and Volkner had made as a wedding present for him and Gertrude. Knocking on the door he hummed as the blonde answered, keeping most of his face hidden in the dark.
"Hey, Volk! We're having a cave party. Wanna come?"
The Gym Leader stepped sheepishly across the threshold. "I, uh, I think I'll stay in. We've got… things to do…"
Flint looked at his friend. "What happened to your eye?"
"Nothing, nothing!" Volkner withdrew again to hide his black eye.
"Has she been hitting you again?" Flint whispered, looking round for Gertrude.
"No, well yes. But it was my fault!"
"Come on, man. Just come to the party. It'll make you feel better."
Volkner fell further back into the darkness, "no I can't. She'll flip."
"Volk…"
"Augh, coming, darling!" he shouted back into the base while closing the door slowly. "See you later, Flint."
Closing the door and turning his back to it, Volkner sighed. No sooner had he exhaled then did the threatening shadow of Gertrude wash over him. He looked at her. "I wasn't doing anything. What? No! It was just Flint! He's having a cave party that's all; he invited us. No, of course I don't want to go. No really, I don't. Well, it's not my fault we never go out! All you want to do is stay home putting shelves up."
Gertrude glowered at him.
"I have a life too!" he shouted at her." Don't think I'm going to take this kind of abuse any longer!" With that he defended himself from her advances by knocking her to the floor.
He almost shrieked as she hit the floor, her body breaking in two. "Er, honey? G-Gurty…? Ohhh my God. She's dead. She's dead! Ohh, what do I do?"
Flint was lounging about with Beatrice as host of the cave party. He mingled with his martini in hand nodding and laughing with all the rocks invited. "Heyyy, Alfie, lookin' good! Arnie, nice shirt! Oh God, your hair, Rich! What will you do next? You're crazy, crazy… oh, hey Volkner! Ya made it!"
"Flint! I uh, have a situation." the blonde huffed as he ran over. "Can you come over?"
"I'm in the middle of a party, man," Flint waved around.
"Now!" Volkner hissed.
When they reached the base Flint looked horrified. "What did you do!"
"Sh-she came at me! I had to! Come on, help me hide the body."
As they both picked up a half of Gertrude each they failed to notice Grisly Jim lurking outside the window with a rocky video camera. "I just hope no one sees us," Flint commented.
"There, that's done," Flint sighed and wiped his brow. Volkner continued patting down the mound they'd buried Gertrude's body under.
"What're we going to tell Beatrice?"
"I'll just tell her… she got a promotion at work and left."
"That's not going to work! They were best friends!"
"Well I don't see you coming up with any ideas!"
They both jumped as a sudden spotlight fell on them and dozens of rocks garbed in police uniforms clambered over them. "Halt! You're under arrest for the murder of Gertrude Rock! Surrender peacefully!" one with a megaphone hollered.
Panicking and slowly putting their spades down the pair put their hands over their heads in surrender.
The courtroom was filled with rocks all leering and scowling at them as they stood in the defendant's box awaiting their trial. The judge stepped up with his fine moss wig and hammered the gavel.
"Court is in session. Flint of the Elite Four, Volkner of Sunyshore Gym, you are hereby standing trial for the brutal and unprecedented murder of Gertrude Rock. How do you plead?"
"Innocent!" they both pled.
"Very well," the judge slammed his gavel again. "Call the first witness!"
Flint leaned into the blonde. "Don't worry, I've got this sorted."
Volkner eyed his friend with pessimism then noticed as Grisly Jim took the stand. "Ah, good work, Flint. Grisly Jim'll defend us."
"I knew he was a murderer the moment I laid eyes on him, " Grisly Jim started.
"Oh, you backstabbing son of a-!" Volkner blurted.
"And his friend too; he's just as shifty."
"You don't even know me, jerk!" Flint blared.
"They definitely did it. I'll stake my reputation as a professor at Rock's Academy for young Rocks on it," Grisly Jim finished.
The judge nodded, "I'm almost ready to make my decision. Does anyone have any objections?" Flint and Volkner struggled against the bonds the rocks had bound them in as no objections came from the jury. "Very well. I hereby declare these two bottom feeders guilty and sentence to them death by rocking!"
"No, you can't!" Flint shouted. "That wasn't a fair trial. Why didn't we get a fair trial?"
"Because they're inbred and they're stupid," Volkner said, dejected.
They soon found themselves bound tightly head-to-toe in ropes (possibly Escape Ropes) as the rocks carried out the sentence; Death by Rocking, as they threw themselves at the pair yelling obscenities all the while. Flint and Volkner writhed as the rocks barraged them; some of the meaner rocks were sharp!
"Ahhhh!"
"Auughh!"
A sudden gush of water washed over them as the jolted up. "Hey, guys!" Roark beamed at them over the rim of an empty bucket. "You okay?"
"W-what happened!" Flint panted while looking around. Both him and Volkner were laid amongst a mass of moss.
"You were having a nightmare. That moss is a terrible hallucinogenic, it knocked you out good. You probably shouldn't have eaten it, really. I didn't think you would."
Volkner sat up rubbing his head, "so, there's no rocks…?"
"Uh, no." Roark looked confused, "that sounds like a pretty boring hallucination. Oh well, look! Dad bailed us out."
They all turned to look up at the gruff man stood over them. "You're all idiots," Byron stated.
As Roark and his father motioned to leave Flint turned to his friend. "Do you ever get the feeling we dream the same stuff?"
"… no."
Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K/ PG-13
Characters: Flint, Volkner, Cyrus, Dawn
The remnants of what once stood as a proud Gym lay in a big, burnt heap as ashes were spread to the wind. The smoking remains had attracted the attention of the newer residents of Sunyshore and visitors alike, but the elderly of the City knew full well what had happened. What had happened then, in the past and what would happen in the future - though many would admit things had crossed the line a little too far this time. Two figures remained by the smouldering building at all times.
"Ahhhh, it's so pretty. Burnt right down to the cinders…" a breathy voice said.
"Flint… stop saying that."
The figure squatting amongst the charred rubble turned to look at the person stood beside him. "You really should look after your Gym better, Volk. Cynthia's gonna kill ya."
"What does Cynthia care? She doesn't have to pay for any of this. The Pokemon Association does. Besides, maybe they'll finally fire me…" the blonde sighed.
"Don't worry!" the redhead grinned a dangerously wide grin after his friends' typical negative reply while running the ash through his fingers. "I've got it all sorted!"
"Oh, god."
Hovering his hands over the warm cinders Flint continued, "it wasn't easy either! First you scare away all the workmen in the area, then you scare the authorities off too! Y'know no one's willing to investigate who burnt yer Gym down? But I did… a few favours… for Cynth and she sent out a freelance trainer to help us!"
Volkner scowled before throwing on his best blank expression in the face of such blind optimism. "Flint, we don't need help. We already know who did this."
"What makes us so sure?" the Elite narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, I don't know," Volkner waved his hands back-and-forth, "it could be that sign over that that says 'Cyrus Waz 'ere', but what do I know? It could've been anyone."
"Exactly! 'coulda been anyone!" Flint boomed, ignorant of the lines of ash neatly spread out to leave the culprit's name in plain view thus totally ignoring his best friend in the process, "which is why we're getting a freelance trainer to help!"
A long moment of silence followed his words as they sunk into the blonde. "You-just-ugh-ah-augh! Get off! Get off my Gym right now! Off!" Volkner struggled on his sentence as his friend's blatant stupidity bled a gaping hole through his mental defences. "I've had just about enough of you! Hey! Are you listening?"
The Fire trainer leant forward on his hands and knees to take a deep breath of the heavy wisps of smoke rising from the Gym, completely disregarding the Gym Leader. "Ash is the best thing about fire, it's so fine and smooth and pretty and ahhh…" he let out a shuddering breath that left the blonde slightly scared and very worried as he watched on.
His train of thought was thankfully interrupted as a large shadow cast over the pair. "Hey, guys!" a faint voice called over the beating of wings and soon a girl hopped politely from her Pokemon as the Staraptor landed. She dashed over to them, "what happened?"
"Other than Flint about to orgasm, nothing," Volkner deadpanned the girl, turning to her.
Upon hearing his name Flint jerked to his feet, quickly placing himself in between his friend and the newcomer. "Yo, hotshot! Did Cynth send ya? That lady's got goooood taste!"
Resisting the initial knee-jerk reaction to either run or slap the Elite Third, the girl bowed her head politely. "Hello Flint, it's nice to see you."
"It's so great to see you too!" Flint immediately exploded in joy, throwing his arms out for a giant hug before another pair of arms hooked under his and he found himself face-down on the floor. "Ugghh…"
Volkner stood back from where he tossed the Elite, brushing his hands off. "Dawn, are you the freelance trainer?"
"I am!" the dark haired trained smiled proudly. "I may not have beaten Cynthia but I came top of the League challengers. In return for using the League facilities I have to take on jobs the Elite Four can't be bothered with." She glanced around at the smoking mess that was Sunyshore Gym, "so, nothing happened, huh?"
"It doesn't matter since we know who did it," Volkner shrugged. "What we need is a replace arena. I'm sure as hell not battling trainers outside. Who knows who'll watch! It's absurd!"
"Oh yeah, battling outside is real absurd," Dawn mumbled to herself before clearing her throat to gain the attention of both men. "How do you know who did it?" she asked as Volkner pointed out the message left from Cyrus on the ground. "Okay."
Despite the Sunyshore Gym Leader's claim he was actually one of the most publicised Leaders in Sinnoh all because of the drama that unfolded in the seaside city on a regular basis. It seemed all (the then Team Galactic Leader) Cyrus had to do in recent years was to harass the Electric Leader with increasingly harebrained schemes. Ever since the trainers from Twinleaf town had disbanded his organisation the man had redoubled his efforts to bring down Sunyshore Gym with renewed vigour. And lately that had ranged from re-wiring everything in the building to the more recent 'burn down everything, laugh manically and leave a massive copyright in the ashes'. Suffice to say, Volkner was not pleased, but he had brought the whole thing on himself and wasn't above retaliation.
"I remember," Dawn started," when I battled Cyrus he mentioned he loved Sunyshore and wouldn't harm it, but he didn't love you two," she indicated the pair of friends. "He said you two shouldn't be allowed to be friends by cosmic law."
"What?" Both men looked equally perplexed.
"He said when two foreign bodies of complete and utter depression and over the top enthusiam collided the universe would implode! Therefore he had to kill one of you. To save the universe of course. He was very adamant about that bit," Dawn finished with a completely unreadable expression.
Volkner shook his head. "That's not the reason."
"Yeah!" Flint chimed. "He wants to kill Volkner 'cause Volk always used to set fire to him when we were little!"
"Oh wow, really?" Dawn squealed.
"It's true," Volkner's pained expression bled into his voice, "we all wanted to be Fire trainers then…"
"Evidently I was the only one good enough," Flint flicked his nose and wagged his eyebrows as the other two trainers watched him.
Despite the Elite's obvious giant ego Dawn felt she could knock it with ease, "even though you only have two Fire types?" she prodded.
"Hey!" Flint turned on her. "Rude much! I have others! They're just… away right now, umph."
The young girl raised a sceptical eyebrow, though from what the Bug Elite Aaron had told her about the Fire Elite's antics she wouldn't be surprised at anything he said or did. He'd probably put them away just to annoy challengers. Or maybe he was just weird; she shrugged, either made sense in her opinion. But if Cynthia herself hadn't said anything then who was she to either?
"H-hey, what the-?" Dawn's hands scrambled for a steady grip in the feathers of her Pokemon as the area around her suddenly started wobbling and rippling. "W-what's going on?" she asked the distorted image of the blonde, panicked.
"Flint's having a flashback," Volkner ground out through clenched teeth, looking towards the redhead rocking to-and-fro on his heals with a finger pressed to his lips. "Nice work."
Dawn wailed; "I'm sorry! I didn't know! Ugh… it's making me feel sick…"
"Hey, Cyrus! You alright back there?" a small child with shoulder length red hair shouted from the rock he'd plonked himself on. Eventually another child with shocking blue hair fell forward from behind a big boulder. The redhead turned to look further up the mountain him and his friends had decided to climb on the hunt for Fire Pokemon. All they'd seen so far were Graveller though. "Yo, Volk! Cy's down!"
The redhead jumped down next to his fallen friend as a scuffling noise knocked several pebbles and stones down from the peak of the mountain (which was more like a small mound) as a blonde boy emerged atop a big boulder (more like a large rock). "What're you losers doing?" he hollered down.
"Cy's out!" Flint shouted back to his friend. "One of us'll have to carry him or something!"
Volkner screwed his face up with contempt. "Screw that!" he shouted while jumping down from his perch to land aside the two other boys. "Do you have any idea how much he weighs? He never listens when we tell him he's too fat."
"What're we gonna do then?" Flint asked. "'Suppose we could leave 'im here…"
"Nah, I've got a better idea," Volkner flipped out a Charizard lighter from his shorts pocket before waving it menacingly. "Hey, Cy, last chance to get up!"
The older boy groaned as he looked up at his two tormenters, "you… didn't even give me a… first chance…!"
"We're on a tight schedule," Volkner lied, shaking his head. When the frail boy still didn't move he held the lighter over the boy's head. "Now remember, Cyrus; this is for your own good," he soothed before lighting the boy's hair.
"AAHHH!" Cyrus flailed to his feet instantly before adopting the 'Stop, drop and roll' procedure with desperate vigour.
"I love the smell of fire," Flint mentioned as the pair watched the older boy painfully squirm back and forth.
"I used to be such a happy child… 'till Flint wore me down." Volkner commented wistfully as the Fire Elite came back to reality.
"Uhhhh, anyway," Dawn coughed lightly to draw the trainer's attention to her again while blatantly ignoring the scene just witnessed, "what is there we can do about the Gym? If this is Volkner's fault then he deserves this…" she turned her apologetic expression on the Gym Leader.
"I know," Volkner heaved a dejected sigh. "At least Jasmine's not here to mock me."
"No, you have me for that!" Flint flung an arm around his best friend, oblivious to the death glare directed at him.
Dawn crossed her arms, "seriously, guys. This is a vendetta between you three. I can hardly help any more than I already have," she referred to beating Cyrus numerous times thus bringing down Team Galactic as she went about challenging the Gyms. "Who called me anyway?"
Flint timidly raised his hand as if answering to a stern teacher, "uh, I did." He turned cross-eyed as the young girl pointed her finger in his face.
"Think before you act next time!" she scolded. "And you!" she turned on the Gym Leader making him jump as Flint fiddled with the braces of his trousers, "if you know what's good for you then you'll apologise to Cyrus! He might be the biggest jerk on the planet but you're no better."
"Yes," Volkner bowed his head to the side.
"Right. Good," she said sternly before climbing back on the Flying Pokemon who'd stood by passively throughout the whole ordeal. Eyeing them one last time she left one last warning; "if you keep wasting trainer's time like this then Cynthia's going to cut your pay. Got it?"
"Yes, ma'am," the two friends chorused. Dawn threw them another sharp warning look before Staraptor took to the sky with a mighty thrust of feathers. The pair watched as her silhouette faded into the distance before turning to each other.
"I'm not always depressed," Volkner complained indignantly.
"Yes, you are," Flint countered.
"No, I'm not."
"Okay then, show me… your happy face!" Volkner remained looking annoyed. "Show me your… amused face! Amused face!" Still the look of irritation didn't leave the blonde. Flint continued, "bemused! Elated! Ecstatic! Surprised face! Show me your angry face!"
Volkner kneed him in the crotch.
Of which crumpled him swiftly, "y-yeah, ya got… anger down…oof."
Fandom: Pokemon
Author: Yoru Ryu
Rating: K/ PG-13
Characters: Flint, Volkner
Warnings: It's insane. Srsly, it's that episode of Mighty Boosh
It had seemed like a good idea at the time; something to fill in another day of monotonous boredom. Something to take the… boredom out of the… boredom. Though now, when he thought about it, another day of repetitive pacing and complaining about his Gym, and boredom would have been much better than…
"Are you going to eat that?"
Volkner looked up at the voice, then looked down at the green mound in his hand disdainfully. "… no, Flint," he sighed, holding his hand out to his friend.
The fire-head quickly snatched the foodstuff and swallowed it whole. "This isn't all that bad!"
"It's moss, Flint."
"Good moss! Tastes like… cabbage."
"It's got things living in it."
"Like… snails?"
"… what the hell?" Volkner looked at his friend. What was he blathering on about? "I was thinking more… mites. They infest warm moist areas likes these tunnels and lay their eggs in the moss. It's common knowledge."
"It is?" Flint replied, sputtering the stuff everywhere.
"Yeah, and if you eat the eggs they hatch in your stomach and live there till you die."
"Really?" Flint asked, wide eyed. "They better not be in my stomach," he said while pointing.
"They are," Volkner nodded.
"'cause if they are, I'll kill 'em."
"You can't kill them once they're in there. Unless… you kill yourself. That'd show 'em!"
"I'm not killing myself," Flint deadpanned. "I cut myself shaving yesterday and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Just imagine how bad it'd be if I killed myself! I'd probably die!"
Volkner facepalmed.
Deciding to leave his friend for a while he got up from the rock he'd been sat on to examine the tunnel walls. The Fire Elite was just full of great ideas. And apparently Roark was more than willing to go along with them, if only to spite Volkner. Sometimes he got the feeling the boy disliked him. Like most people, he sighed.
The three of them had been picking away at the walls about the Underground and deciding on a good spot for a secret base so they could meet secretly - Flint's idea of course. He'd not be caught dead in such a place nor doing such a thing. Besides, why'd they need to meet secretly anyway? What would they do? Play Scrabble and talk about their fellow trainers behind their backs? Jasmine would soon sniff them out anyway; she was ruthless!
He shook his head to keep his mind on track. Right. So they'd been picking away at the walls, then Roark had noticed a particularly big 'sparkle' and hammered at it till the tunnel caved in, effectively trapping them on either side of the debris. And as luck would have it… Roark got the side with the exit.
Now he was stuck somewhere under Sinnoh with his moss-eating friend and no Pokemon. Fantastic.
"Hey, Volkner?"
"Wh-?" he turned around only to receive a mouthful of the rancid green fungi. "Augh, augh! Flint, what the hell!"
"You have to keep your strength up," the taller man waved his finger like a mother hen.
"Argh, no! You just don't do that! I've had it!" Volkner got to his feet sharply and stalked across the cave floor to grab a crowbar lying around and drew a rough line in the ground. "There, I've drawn a line. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. And by the way; it doesn't taste anything like cabbage."
Flint frowned, "but Volk…"
"No, that's final! Now," he looked around, "God forbid we're going to be rescued, so I'm going to make a base for the night."
"How ya gonna do that?" Flint looked suddenly pleased with himself, "all the tools are on my side."
Volkner watched Flint indicate that fact. "Alright fine, we'll just redraw the line..."
"Nono, you said that was final."
"… fine!" throwing up his hands the blonde stormed off to what he soon found to be a dead end.
Shit.
He woke up at what he assumed to be morning of the next day to find Flint had taken up base right near the dividing line that trapped him against a dead end yet left Flint with all the wandering space he desired. And it seemed the man had done a fair share of wandering since he had potted plants around the entrance to his cave and several sparkling orbs buried all over.
Volkner stood up, stretched and looked at his sad attempt at a base; his jacket held up by the crowbar. Lame.
Flint came out numerous times to lord it over him, but he never gave the afro the pleasure of a reaction.
Hours later Flint returned after another wonder around the underground. Apparently he was trading his orbs for mundane items to decorate his new dwelling. The hikers he was dealing with were either also stuck or just didn't care enough to help the pair escape back to the surface. Volkner was very bemused by it all.
Coming back with the spade and an armful of orbs Flint set about burying them around his 'garden'.
"Yeah, yeah… I see. Oh, of course!"
He looked up as Volkner suddenly started talking to someone. Walking over to his handmade fence across the dividing line he leaned over to look at his friend; the blonde was sat under his 'tent' talking to… a rock.
"Who's that, Volk?" he asked.
The Gym Leader suddenly stopped his conversation, looking up. "This is Grisly Jim. Grisly Jim, Flint," he introduced them.
"What ya talkin' about?"
Volkner shrugged. "Just world matters. Important things, you know?"
"… can I join in?" he asked hopefully.
Volkner looked at him then turned back to the rock with a crude face etched into it. He gestured and spoke quietly to it then turned back. "We're not sure. What have you got to offer?"
"Well, I've got the hair. I could do Grisly Jim's!"
"Mmmm, I'm not sure… you're quite what we're looking for here at the Granite Lodge. We like sophistication and you're, well…" Volkner trailed off, the damage done.
Flint scowled then flipped them both off before stomping back to his base. Volkner and Grisly Jim tsked and shook their heads.
Grisly Jim wasn't as interesting as Volkner first thought, he mused as he listened to the rock lecture him about the architecture of the underground. Honestly, Flint was better company - at least he was entertaining. But Grisly Jim was sensitive, so he couldn't miss a lecture.
"Ohahahah!" He suddenly looked around as he heard Flint's loud fake laugh. Obviously the man wanted him to investigate… so he would.
He walked over to look through the hole in Flint's base. Leaning in the window he saw Flint sat at a table talking to a rock covered in moss. "What are you doing, Flint?"
"Oh, Volkner!" the man jumped up, carrying the rock with him. "I'd like you to meet Beatrice," he held the long haired rock forward.
He bowed and smiled at Beatrice then hissed for Flint to come outside. "Where'd you find her? She's gorgeous!"
"I know," Flint chuckled. "There I was just out lookin' for more orbs and saw her sat at the side of the path. Poor thing must've been hitchhiking. We hit it off right away!" he smiled broadly.
"Does she have a sister?" Volkner asked quietly.
The redhead replied in the negative, "sorry, mate. Only child. Now, if you'll excuse me," he sniffed haughtily, returning to his base.
Taking Beatrice on their third date Flint came across Volkner under the tent again as they returned. The blonde was laughing and smiling at a rock with extremely long moss hair and an uncanny resemblance to Grisly Jim.
"Must be Grisly Jim's sister," he said to Beatrice as they walked over to the pair. "Uh, who's that, Volk?"
"This?" Volkner looked surprised, then smiled again at the rock next to him. "This is Jenny."
Flint looked hard at the moss covered rock then leaned in as Beatrice whispered in his ear. "That's Grisly Jim in a wig," he stated, leering at his friend.
The blonde stared in silence. Flint just laughed at him, strolling home with his date. "So sad."
With the couple out of sight Volkner knocked Grisly Jim over. "Well, that was a great idea. Good work."
Later in the day (or the next day - he'd really lost count) Volkner decided to drop by his friend as Grisly Jim had just finished his latest lecture on the plant life of the underground that'd killed his brain. He barged in the base without knocking.
"Whoa, Volk! Knock before ya come in! We're… doing things," Flint whined.
Volkner looked around to notice another lovely lady sat at the table with Flint and Beatrice. He hissed at his friend again. "Who's that?"
"That's Gertrude," the redhead whispered as he came over. "She's friends with Beatrice."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, introduce us!" Volkner hissed.
"What do ya mean?"
"I mean, well," he waved his hands about. "There's two of them, two of us…"
Flint gasped, "ya don't mean…? She's best friends with Beatrice!"
"Oh come on. Do me a favour! I'm always hooking you up."
The Elite wrung his hands, thinking about it. "Auh, fine. But ya better not screw it up!"
"I won't, I won't," he pat the taller man on the back. "Thanks."
For a long while after they'd been introduced both couples sat in silence around the table. Volkner smiled nervously as he sat next to Gertrude watching Flint and Beatrice whisper amongst themselves. Eventually Flint looked over at them.
"Beatrice was just asking what we do for fun when we're not working in the League," he left the statement hanging for his friend.
The blonde picked up the loose end quickly, "usually we both sit at the lighthouse in Sunyshore throwing rocks into the sea. Hey, you two should come along when we get out of here, it's great-oh! Oh, my God," he looked apologetically at Flint as both women scowled. "I'm so sorry - I didn't mean - !"
After both rocks retired for the night Flint took Volkner aside. "Dude, I wasn't going to mention that till after the wedding! D'you know that makes us serial killers?" He gestured to the bed at the back of the base, "I'll be lucky to get a look in tonight thanks to you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Volkner apologised again. "I was just really nervous." Looking over at Gertrude on the sofa he continued; "I mean, she's beautiful."
"I know, I know," Flint laid a hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Just be cool."
More time passed and Flint had made several more friends. Enough, in fact, to throw a party in his garden. He vaulted over the picket fence to the base him and Volkner had made as a wedding present for him and Gertrude. Knocking on the door he hummed as the blonde answered, keeping most of his face hidden in the dark.
"Hey, Volk! We're having a cave party. Wanna come?"
The Gym Leader stepped sheepishly across the threshold. "I, uh, I think I'll stay in. We've got… things to do…"
Flint looked at his friend. "What happened to your eye?"
"Nothing, nothing!" Volkner withdrew again to hide his black eye.
"Has she been hitting you again?" Flint whispered, looking round for Gertrude.
"No, well yes. But it was my fault!"
"Come on, man. Just come to the party. It'll make you feel better."
Volkner fell further back into the darkness, "no I can't. She'll flip."
"Volk…"
"Augh, coming, darling!" he shouted back into the base while closing the door slowly. "See you later, Flint."
Closing the door and turning his back to it, Volkner sighed. No sooner had he exhaled then did the threatening shadow of Gertrude wash over him. He looked at her. "I wasn't doing anything. What? No! It was just Flint! He's having a cave party that's all; he invited us. No, of course I don't want to go. No really, I don't. Well, it's not my fault we never go out! All you want to do is stay home putting shelves up."
Gertrude glowered at him.
"I have a life too!" he shouted at her." Don't think I'm going to take this kind of abuse any longer!" With that he defended himself from her advances by knocking her to the floor.
He almost shrieked as she hit the floor, her body breaking in two. "Er, honey? G-Gurty…? Ohhh my God. She's dead. She's dead! Ohh, what do I do?"
Flint was lounging about with Beatrice as host of the cave party. He mingled with his martini in hand nodding and laughing with all the rocks invited. "Heyyy, Alfie, lookin' good! Arnie, nice shirt! Oh God, your hair, Rich! What will you do next? You're crazy, crazy… oh, hey Volkner! Ya made it!"
"Flint! I uh, have a situation." the blonde huffed as he ran over. "Can you come over?"
"I'm in the middle of a party, man," Flint waved around.
"Now!" Volkner hissed.
When they reached the base Flint looked horrified. "What did you do!"
"Sh-she came at me! I had to! Come on, help me hide the body."
As they both picked up a half of Gertrude each they failed to notice Grisly Jim lurking outside the window with a rocky video camera. "I just hope no one sees us," Flint commented.
"There, that's done," Flint sighed and wiped his brow. Volkner continued patting down the mound they'd buried Gertrude's body under.
"What're we going to tell Beatrice?"
"I'll just tell her… she got a promotion at work and left."
"That's not going to work! They were best friends!"
"Well I don't see you coming up with any ideas!"
They both jumped as a sudden spotlight fell on them and dozens of rocks garbed in police uniforms clambered over them. "Halt! You're under arrest for the murder of Gertrude Rock! Surrender peacefully!" one with a megaphone hollered.
Panicking and slowly putting their spades down the pair put their hands over their heads in surrender.
The courtroom was filled with rocks all leering and scowling at them as they stood in the defendant's box awaiting their trial. The judge stepped up with his fine moss wig and hammered the gavel.
"Court is in session. Flint of the Elite Four, Volkner of Sunyshore Gym, you are hereby standing trial for the brutal and unprecedented murder of Gertrude Rock. How do you plead?"
"Innocent!" they both pled.
"Very well," the judge slammed his gavel again. "Call the first witness!"
Flint leaned into the blonde. "Don't worry, I've got this sorted."
Volkner eyed his friend with pessimism then noticed as Grisly Jim took the stand. "Ah, good work, Flint. Grisly Jim'll defend us."
"I knew he was a murderer the moment I laid eyes on him, " Grisly Jim started.
"Oh, you backstabbing son of a-!" Volkner blurted.
"And his friend too; he's just as shifty."
"You don't even know me, jerk!" Flint blared.
"They definitely did it. I'll stake my reputation as a professor at Rock's Academy for young Rocks on it," Grisly Jim finished.
The judge nodded, "I'm almost ready to make my decision. Does anyone have any objections?" Flint and Volkner struggled against the bonds the rocks had bound them in as no objections came from the jury. "Very well. I hereby declare these two bottom feeders guilty and sentence to them death by rocking!"
"No, you can't!" Flint shouted. "That wasn't a fair trial. Why didn't we get a fair trial?"
"Because they're inbred and they're stupid," Volkner said, dejected.
They soon found themselves bound tightly head-to-toe in ropes (possibly Escape Ropes) as the rocks carried out the sentence; Death by Rocking, as they threw themselves at the pair yelling obscenities all the while. Flint and Volkner writhed as the rocks barraged them; some of the meaner rocks were sharp!
"Ahhhh!"
"Auughh!"
A sudden gush of water washed over them as the jolted up. "Hey, guys!" Roark beamed at them over the rim of an empty bucket. "You okay?"
"W-what happened!" Flint panted while looking around. Both him and Volkner were laid amongst a mass of moss.
"You were having a nightmare. That moss is a terrible hallucinogenic, it knocked you out good. You probably shouldn't have eaten it, really. I didn't think you would."
Volkner sat up rubbing his head, "so, there's no rocks…?"
"Uh, no." Roark looked confused, "that sounds like a pretty boring hallucination. Oh well, look! Dad bailed us out."
They all turned to look up at the gruff man stood over them. "You're all idiots," Byron stated.
As Roark and his father motioned to leave Flint turned to his friend. "Do you ever get the feeling we dream the same stuff?"
"… no."