(no subject)

[raizael]

 

If Words Were Easier
nishikato

Six years ago, Ryo was called into NEWS for a certain project the agency had committed to. Coincidentally he became the group’s shadow leader because of the kind of façade he had put up in front of them. Ryo thought his new band mates were rather interesting if not so bothersome; all but one. Somehow, that hadn’t made that one any special to him.

In a few years time, the unit went through suspension for a year, but things haven’t changed considerably for Ryo. He was kept busy with his other group and so the year went by as if nothing had been lost (save for his weight, of course). By the end of that year, word was out: NEWS was reuniting and Ryo thought it was good, more or less. They all met up for the Countdown and Ryo noticed something: the number of his group mates had decreased significantly. There were only six of them now, and he felt rather dim for only giving it thought then.

At that same time, Ryo saw something he had never seen before.

“Let’s work hard in the following years,” band mate Kato Shigeaki-that one member he found less interesting and too ordinary-pat his shoulder cautiously and smiled on his way to the stage. That had been such a warm touch, a beautiful smile and it left Ryo with the image so profound in his memory (years later). He wondered why he had never seen such a thing before but dared not question it.

A few years ago, the group was back on its feet. Photo shoots; interviews; radio shows; and live performances came and went. They graced the covers of many monthly magazines, singles and albums. Ryo had twice the work, two images for two different groups and it was, no doubt, the most tiring thing ever in his life, even more tiring than chasing a girl he liked back in high school because he wasn’t any taller than most boys his age then.

So when NEWS’s manager called shots for breaks in between, Ryo took the time to sit back and do something that would allow him to relax. However, Ryo would never sleep. He wouldn’t dare shut his eyes for a few minutes knowing it would only give him that same hoarse morning voice that was worse for singing if not talking, so he tried to stay awake, but still stay relaxed. And so Ryo found a new way to unwind during break time.

There was always a soft melodic sound in the dressing room during the group’s break, the sound of fingers on guitar strings but it wasn’t Ryo who was playing, nor was it Yamashita or Tegoshi or any noticeable group mate, for that fact.

“That’s really great, Shige!” Koyama commended on his band mate’s music and sat across the music sheets splayed on the floor. “Writing music again?”

“But it’s no good,” Kato smirked, picked his pen up and crossed a few lines off his music sheet. “I need to think of something better.”

“But it’s really good already! You can ask Nishikido-kun, he’s a great musician, right?”

Ryo stood up, hands awkwardly placed at his sides as he got ready to say something, anything. “What?”

“Nishikido-kun, tell Shige his music is great.”

Ryo was always honest; he was never biased for anyone. “Your composition needs a little more work,” he said, “but it’s good.”

Shige smiled, and there it was, there it was and oh how Ryo felt the sudden burst of color in his face when he saw it. He shut his eyes for a minute to capture its brilliance, curiosity a mind-numbing factor ever since. Ryo wasn’t quite sure what this felt like, what it was called-surely it wasn’t infatuation he assured himself; it was a different thing for girls he was attracted to-but inevitably, Ryo felt calm, relaxed. The way he needed to be, the way he wanted to be.

A few months ago, Ryo finally believed in a thing called love. He believed and hoped, and told his good friend Pi all about it-mostly because he knew the latter wouldn’t listen so much. It was as safe as telling a post a secret that was to be taken to the grave.

“I’m in love. With Shige.”

“That’s nice,” Pi stuck out a tongue and tilted his head, along with the video game he held in his hands. They were in the dressing room taking a break; Ryo could still hear Shige’s playing in the other room, and he supposed that he had sounded way better than he did the first time he noticed his music. Ryo stayed quiet for awhile and listened to his faint voice, low and rousing and beautiful and perfect.

“I want to tell him, but I think it’s stupid,” he continued. “But I’m in love with him, so, so in love with him.”

“That’s really nice, Ryo-chan,” Pi jerked and his game made a rather disappointing sound. “Darn!”

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. Towards anybody. I. I don’t. It feels so nice, this feeling. Pi, I feel great!” Ryo suddenly beamed and these untold feelings for the man felt even greater than he last felt so ardently about him. It was complete bliss, entirely love, or so Ryo had believed.

Shige walked into the room the next minute, smiled and then waved at him. Ryo did the same, and then followed him out of the room. They say on the roof and wrote song together, while Shige commended on Ryo’s noticeably better mood.

Ryo had no words to reply and just smiled. Shige’s face grew some color.

So much for the dim façade of Nishikido Ryo.

A few weeks ago, word had been out: someone in the group was going overseas for an on-location shooting. A movie. A romantic one.

“How long will you be gone?” Ryo asked his group mate nervously over the phone. He was going onstage for a concert in ten minutes, and he could hear the airport’s PA system over the phone line. The next flight was about to depart in ten minutes, too.

“A few weeks,” Shige said with the slightest sigh, but Ryo knew that the tiniest fraction of it contained feelings of anticipation. This was his first movie. Ryo thought he was going to support him all the way, even if it meant supporting him from the other side of the world. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Ryo only hoped.

“Don’t you have a concert right now?”

“I do,” Ryo smiled weakly. “I have to be on in a few minutes.” Ryo looked up at the clock hanging on the wall as his manager signaled him to get on quick from his peripheral vision. He didn’t need this; he didn’t want to be in this concert at the moment. He wanted to feel a little selfish, if his actions had to mean something to anybody at all, even to Shige.

“Good luck, okay? Do your best.”

Ryo felt color rush to his cheeks as he cupped his mouth towards his phone with another hand. “I will. You too, Shige. The best of luck.”

Ryo put on a good show that evening. Shige called eight hours later, six in the morning and Ryo scolded him for calling at such an ungodly hour (though he had to wake up two hours later anyway) but he forced himself awake-wide awake-with a few thoughts set aside for other certain special feelings to fill in.

At six in the morning, when the air was especially cold, Ryo felt undeniably warm as he snuggled under the covers with his phone pressed to his cheek, a ridiculous smile on his face to match the entire picture. He couldn’t wait for a few weeks to pass by quickly, and soon, quickly did they pass by indeed.

A few days ago, Ryo sat in his car, so impatiently tapping his fingers on the stirring wheel as he scanned the airport for him. He had specifically told everyone in the group that he was picking Shige up-no other excuses that Koyama wasn’t even allowed to come with him, the poor man-and he came prepared for this, as if he planned on it several more days before. He refused to sit back in his seat, his back erect and almost aching (his butt, too) from waiting for almost two hours. It was already half past midnight, and he felt too eager to care, a little too careless for his health for he refused to have enough sleep the night before, and stayed up half the night just waiting for his evening flight to arrive.

There were no signs, not until a few more minutes later he saw him in the dark-oh god, how his heart plummeted into his stomach when their eyes met and Shige waved and smiled at him from the distance-and tried to make himself presentable for the his crush, helped him load his luggage, and Ryo was sure it weighed twice or thrice as much as he did, but when his eyes were long fixed on Shige’s, it was hard to tell after awhile. He wanted to hug him; a little man hug, if that was what he preferred to call it, but it probably wasn’t like him at all because he wouldn’t even hug Pi after a long trip, but he smiled at Shige anyway, hid any trace of disappointment for that man hug he called and hoped for.

He had been waiting for so long. Something good was bound to happen that evening, and Ryo was positive and proud about it.

He put on his seat belt and turned to Shige another time before stepping into the pedal. His grip on the wheel was tight, and so was the feeling of being pulled into his seat. “How-how was it?” Damn.

“It was great! The movie will be out really soon. Come and watch it, okay?” Shige smiled and his teeth, his pretty white teeth. Ryo breathed, grinned at him nervously and stepped into the pedal. He tried not to drive too slow or too fast, or both, his foot was too unsteady on the pedal that Shige suggested driving himself.

“I’m fine on my own,” Ryo replied with the same instinct he used to have. Before Shige happened. Before this happened.

Shige sat back in his seat, pulled out his phone and began to dial some numbers. “I’ll give Koyama a call.”

“Call him in the morning,” Ryo obliged, “it’ll be a better surprise if you showed yourself without any presentiment.” He swallowed hard and turned his neck. It was starting to get a little too hot in the vehicle.

Shige put away his phone and went with Ryo’s advice. In a few minutes, Shige began again, with a slight turn of his head towards him. “How have you been?” Ryo blushed deeply.

Eventually, they reached his place, Shige’s-and Ryo could already feel it in his throat. He was choking, on either tears or his words, or both, as he helped Shige with his luggage (and he swore he felt the weight of it then), watched him walk up to the entrance of his door.

“Thanks for the ride. It’s great to be home.”

“Shige?”

He turned around to face him. “Yes, Ryo?”

Somehow he had hoped and expected for his good opinion, but at a given time like that, Ryo could only hope, and hope for the best.

He missed him. So much. He wouldn’t be here, doing this if Shige hadn’t left in the first place, and he wouldn’t be thinking about him every minute of the day if the called him so often overseas. Right then, his rehearsed words were nothing more than erased stains on paper and his throat is empty. Ryo didn’t feel like choking anymore; he felt like being strangled.

He didn’t see this coming, how the man before him-the one with the lovely smile, the talent, and the amazing will to make Ryo fall to his knees and beg-had gone unnoticed to most noticeable in his eyes, and how looking at seven other band mates (and then twice that number too) made him look at the most insignificant one years later, and that one look had made him most significant.

Things have greatly changed. The once stoic Nishikido Ryo was now almost on his knees, eyes filled with a nervous glimmer of chance. Never in his life did he ever imagine this: he being the obsessively-in-love one. It was unusual. Too strange for him. Too proud of him. Too brilliant a feeling.

A few minutes ago, Ryo knew that Shige knew. He had only spoken of a few words that he thought Shige would figure out sooner than not because he was intelligent like that. It was one of the many things that he admired in him.

“I may be in love.” Ryo breathed, almost hesitantly, “With you.”

It was astonishing enough to see that Shige hadn’t looked shocked or mortified when Ryo finally told him. Ryo felt a little scared now because really, he didn’t see this one coming.

“Thank you, Nishikido-kun,” he bowed at him politely, “but I think it’s best that we talk about this in the morning. Though it could’ve been better without the presentiments, wouldn’t you think so?”

Ryo turned a bright red. “In the morning. Sure. I guess,” he swallowed. “In the morning.”

“Thank you again, Nishikido-kun.”

“Good. Good night.” He will have to wait. Ryo will wait. He smiled at Shige knowingly.

“Good night, Ryo.”