The Me that I was, the Me I might still be...
I dunno why I've been so introspective the past few, what part of me desires to look into that mirror and stare into the eyes studying me. But I've been trying to work through some of my past. Well, its not really my past as I've discovered this coping mechanism is still there. Anyway, this might be long so... that was fair warning.
When I was a teenager, and I was stuck on a problem and actually thought about it instead of just flying off and acting without any thought at all, which was my trademark at the time, I worked through it like a weird round table discussion between six voices. As I got more involved in this headgame the voices gained tones and faces, eventually bodies, and then names. I knew they were me, this wasn't crazy voices this was... well okay you can't call voices sane.
Now, they are still there, in my head, at times. I don't use them anymore out of reflex as I'm mostly okay. However I've begin figuring out what they all represent, in me. I think. I kinda want to see what my friends think of my own special kind of sane here... try not to be too judgmental.
...the judgmental thing brings us to the first voice:
Justice | Hero | Purpose
The first voice had an original name, "Rakath", apparently he is what I wanted to become. He's the part(s) of me I always liked most about myself. The part that figured out right and wrong, good and evil, and always picked pro on the first half, and con on the second. His oldest design was an angelic themed robot Megaman OC that most of my friends didn't know me for that time. He didn't have a gun, he worked from straight power and physicality alone. Which in retrospect I guess is part of my 'go it alone' attitude, to do right without relying on others. He's also where I have a giant hero complex from, as he believes nobody should be left in pain or hurt, if I can do anything to help it.
He's the voice I listened to almost always, of course his negative sides are many. Ego, impetuousness, a complete disregard of the idea of humility. But overall this is how I wanted others to see me.
Need | Power | Selfishness
I guess... if anyone would count as his other side, it would be the other half of my namesake. I leave it there because I gave him a name I rather like, but also to remind me I need balance to make things worth. This is the voice I originally named "Talyn". He represented my own personal requirements, and the idea to take what I need, when I need it, and be damned with anyone else. He's also a voice of impatience, and like the other side he represents a egotistical place, fueled on rage and my own more primal ways.
He appeared to me much like Sabertooth does in X-Men Evolution. Except this one looks like me (marginally) and wears my long military coat. His colors of choice are browns and greens, natural and wild. He's the voice I align with everything I don't want to be, but at the same time he's right on a lot of stuff. If I were to give all my food away to staring kids, I'd die. Even if parts of me would want to do just that. So he's not a total monster.
Reason | Planning | Intellect
The third and last of the definitely male voices. This is how I imagine I'd look if I suddenly lost my mind and became a school teacher. Proper, refined, dignified. Another voice with an ego attached, this is the part of me that balances the other two above (completing the standard Id Ego Superego triad). He's the voice that makes my compartmentalizing so easy and simple to do, that even a caveman can do it.
He isn't my curiosity, however. He's objectivity, and devoid of want (even the selfless want of Hero up there). Naturallly he's the negative of my lax and carefree attitude. If you take everything objectively nothing matters. Explaining truth is all he stands for. He's basically what I am when I'm a know-it-all.
Empathy | Compassion | Love
The first of my two female voices. Unlike reason she was given a name long long ago, Hannah. I found it a pretty name, a name filled with calm and understanding. She always appeared to me as... it was more of a Earth Mother presence. Even though my usual picture of her was a much younger, childish form. She's usually hand in hand aligned with Hero up there, part of why he's a strong voice. She's others pain reflected as my pain. The part of me that hurts when those around me hurt. She however is also a constantly vested un-objective voice. Foil to Reason above.
The main problem she causes is that she weighs me down. Not that feeling the pain of others is bad. But it makes complicated what I would like to be simple (again, foil to reason, Reason makes it all simple). She also is in constant disagreement with two voices (Reason and Want), making it hard to be decisive.
Thrill | Fun | Adventure
Jade. This name might have something to do with Jackie Chan Adventures, but if it does it isn't a purposeful choice, I just was lame and picked a name to go with the brilliant green I assigned as part of her colors. Thrill looks like... well she looks like an adventurer chick outta something like Final Fantasy or Fire Emblem. The kind of fun loving genki girl that would be best friends with Sora from KH.
She's a different side of want from, well, Want. He's more need and gluttony, strong and determined. She is far more whimsical and carefree. Because, that determined desire to have doesn't lead to fun thoughts. Want isn't carefree, while Thrill is. She's one of my two free agent voices out there, a positive bubbly voice who uses totally radical slang.
Misery | Doubt | Hate
He's... not exactly a he, or a she. He's represented by my big black cloak with purple trim, hiding all features in mystery and shadow. This is because Doubt is everyone that has ever told me I can't. Anyone that's ever treated me like crap, told me I was wrong for any reason. This isn't to say I haven't needed to be told I was wrong, a lot of times I was. But if I were to give a form to the voice everyone would call their inner demons, here it is.
He's... I use he because I'm a he, he's also a she sometimes, and he can't have an actual name because of what he represents. I just find calling him an it seems weird, because of something later this paragraph. He's my most negative voice, when I use these voices. Yes, Want is a prick, a jerk, an asshole, and every other kind of name to call him. But Misery gets to me, his words hit closer to home. I mean I can tell when I'm just being selfish. The line for when your self deprecation is wrong or right is much less clean. He's probably the loudest voice, on his own, but unlike the others I never want to listen to him.
Maybe I'm more messed up than I realize. I've compartmentalized myself in such a way I can lean into and focus on what I need to in order to get through things. Like, say, work gets done because all the voices have a stake in why I should go to work. Hero because I'm helping others in my own way, Want because money is good for getting food, Reason has no vote on this, Compassion because somewhere I will deliver a gift for some kid, and the kid's eyes will sparkle and his/her day will be made by my little help. And to prove that bastard Misery wrong, because deep down I am contrary even to myself.
I dunno what everyone else will make of this, but here it is... me in little tiny compartmentalized personified parts...
When I was a teenager, and I was stuck on a problem and actually thought about it instead of just flying off and acting without any thought at all, which was my trademark at the time, I worked through it like a weird round table discussion between six voices. As I got more involved in this headgame the voices gained tones and faces, eventually bodies, and then names. I knew they were me, this wasn't crazy voices this was... well okay you can't call voices sane.
Now, they are still there, in my head, at times. I don't use them anymore out of reflex as I'm mostly okay. However I've begin figuring out what they all represent, in me. I think. I kinda want to see what my friends think of my own special kind of sane here... try not to be too judgmental.
...the judgmental thing brings us to the first voice:
Justice | Hero | Purpose
The first voice had an original name, "Rakath", apparently he is what I wanted to become. He's the part(s) of me I always liked most about myself. The part that figured out right and wrong, good and evil, and always picked pro on the first half, and con on the second. His oldest design was an angelic themed robot Megaman OC that most of my friends didn't know me for that time. He didn't have a gun, he worked from straight power and physicality alone. Which in retrospect I guess is part of my 'go it alone' attitude, to do right without relying on others. He's also where I have a giant hero complex from, as he believes nobody should be left in pain or hurt, if I can do anything to help it.
He's the voice I listened to almost always, of course his negative sides are many. Ego, impetuousness, a complete disregard of the idea of humility. But overall this is how I wanted others to see me.
Need | Power | Selfishness
I guess... if anyone would count as his other side, it would be the other half of my namesake. I leave it there because I gave him a name I rather like, but also to remind me I need balance to make things worth. This is the voice I originally named "Talyn". He represented my own personal requirements, and the idea to take what I need, when I need it, and be damned with anyone else. He's also a voice of impatience, and like the other side he represents a egotistical place, fueled on rage and my own more primal ways.
He appeared to me much like Sabertooth does in X-Men Evolution. Except this one looks like me (marginally) and wears my long military coat. His colors of choice are browns and greens, natural and wild. He's the voice I align with everything I don't want to be, but at the same time he's right on a lot of stuff. If I were to give all my food away to staring kids, I'd die. Even if parts of me would want to do just that. So he's not a total monster.
Reason | Planning | Intellect
The third and last of the definitely male voices. This is how I imagine I'd look if I suddenly lost my mind and became a school teacher. Proper, refined, dignified. Another voice with an ego attached, this is the part of me that balances the other two above (completing the standard Id Ego Superego triad). He's the voice that makes my compartmentalizing so easy and simple to do, that even a caveman can do it.
He isn't my curiosity, however. He's objectivity, and devoid of want (even the selfless want of Hero up there). Naturallly he's the negative of my lax and carefree attitude. If you take everything objectively nothing matters. Explaining truth is all he stands for. He's basically what I am when I'm a know-it-all.
Empathy | Compassion | Love
The first of my two female voices. Unlike reason she was given a name long long ago, Hannah. I found it a pretty name, a name filled with calm and understanding. She always appeared to me as... it was more of a Earth Mother presence. Even though my usual picture of her was a much younger, childish form. She's usually hand in hand aligned with Hero up there, part of why he's a strong voice. She's others pain reflected as my pain. The part of me that hurts when those around me hurt. She however is also a constantly vested un-objective voice. Foil to Reason above.
The main problem she causes is that she weighs me down. Not that feeling the pain of others is bad. But it makes complicated what I would like to be simple (again, foil to reason, Reason makes it all simple). She also is in constant disagreement with two voices (Reason and Want), making it hard to be decisive.
Thrill | Fun | Adventure
Jade. This name might have something to do with Jackie Chan Adventures, but if it does it isn't a purposeful choice, I just was lame and picked a name to go with the brilliant green I assigned as part of her colors. Thrill looks like... well she looks like an adventurer chick outta something like Final Fantasy or Fire Emblem. The kind of fun loving genki girl that would be best friends with Sora from KH.
She's a different side of want from, well, Want. He's more need and gluttony, strong and determined. She is far more whimsical and carefree. Because, that determined desire to have doesn't lead to fun thoughts. Want isn't carefree, while Thrill is. She's one of my two free agent voices out there, a positive bubbly voice who uses totally radical slang.
Misery | Doubt | Hate
He's... not exactly a he, or a she. He's represented by my big black cloak with purple trim, hiding all features in mystery and shadow. This is because Doubt is everyone that has ever told me I can't. Anyone that's ever treated me like crap, told me I was wrong for any reason. This isn't to say I haven't needed to be told I was wrong, a lot of times I was. But if I were to give a form to the voice everyone would call their inner demons, here it is.
He's... I use he because I'm a he, he's also a she sometimes, and he can't have an actual name because of what he represents. I just find calling him an it seems weird, because of something later this paragraph. He's my most negative voice, when I use these voices. Yes, Want is a prick, a jerk, an asshole, and every other kind of name to call him. But Misery gets to me, his words hit closer to home. I mean I can tell when I'm just being selfish. The line for when your self deprecation is wrong or right is much less clean. He's probably the loudest voice, on his own, but unlike the others I never want to listen to him.
Maybe I'm more messed up than I realize. I've compartmentalized myself in such a way I can lean into and focus on what I need to in order to get through things. Like, say, work gets done because all the voices have a stake in why I should go to work. Hero because I'm helping others in my own way, Want because money is good for getting food, Reason has no vote on this, Compassion because somewhere I will deliver a gift for some kid, and the kid's eyes will sparkle and his/her day will be made by my little help. And to prove that bastard Misery wrong, because deep down I am contrary even to myself.
I dunno what everyone else will make of this, but here it is... me in little tiny compartmentalized personified parts...