two dammits
the short version is: dammit! i always have to work friday and saturday night but i want to hang out with people! and... dammit! i have too many friends who have moved far away and i miss them and i want to see them.
So, I'm poor and I'm going to England in the fall, so I needed a job for the summer. I looked for one for much longer than I had anticipated needing, and finally I got a job at Domino's delivering pizza. I realize that's pretty lame, but at that point I was willing to take anything, and it's really not a bad job, when it's busy. But now that I've been there for about a month, I'm sort of realizing how hard it is to do stuff with people who work normal 9-5 m-f jobs when I work nights and weekends almost exclusively. It's starting to make me feel a little closed off.
And then there's the part where most of my close friends have left for far off lands in the past year or so - my best friend is in the military and is doing some sort of intelligence thing in Afghanistan, and my former roommate/counselor/general shoulder for crying on went to go teach english in Japan, and one of my closest friends from high school got married and moved to florida, and my friend from Japanese up and decided to move to Madison. Most of the time it's ok, but lately I've just been missing everyone something fierce. Partly I miss having them around all the time, but partly I'm just sad that it probably won't ever be like that again. I mean, I have no idea when my best friend is going to come back home permanently, and my former roommate keeps mumbling something about "4 years" but who knows - he may stay longer, or move somewhere else upon his return. The girl in Florida will probably stay there for the rest of her life. We've been trying to persuade my friend in Madison to move back, but his girlfriend will likely be moving there to attend graduate school and be with him, so that's not going to happen. I'm beginning to see why old people get tired of life. When you've spent 70 or 80 years giving up the people you care about to the circumstances of life, why wouldn't you?
It always makes me think of the elves in the Silmarillion, because I'm jealous that even if they have to wait 5 centuries (or a lot more), they still get to see each other again. That would be such a comforting thought - just knowing that even though you really miss them now, eventually you would all be together again. When I finished Lord of the Rings, I made up an extra ending that once the world ends, all the good souls who ever lived - dwarves, humans, elves, halflings - everyone - were gathered by eru into their final "heaven". which I guess really illustrates what is important to me in life. anyway, back on topic, I miss people. And of course I've made new friends who are important to me, but you can't replace people, you know? Dammit. I'm tired of missing people. :P
I guess overall I'm feeling a little lonely lately. Perhaps because it is summer and I actually have time to feel. :P it's not anything overwhelming though - just a small empty spot in the back of my mind. But, I'm going to go to Japan, and visit Phillip, and then I'm going to disappear into England for three months and emerge a new person, and it will all be wonderful. <.< i think. :)
So, I'm poor and I'm going to England in the fall, so I needed a job for the summer. I looked for one for much longer than I had anticipated needing, and finally I got a job at Domino's delivering pizza. I realize that's pretty lame, but at that point I was willing to take anything, and it's really not a bad job, when it's busy. But now that I've been there for about a month, I'm sort of realizing how hard it is to do stuff with people who work normal 9-5 m-f jobs when I work nights and weekends almost exclusively. It's starting to make me feel a little closed off.
And then there's the part where most of my close friends have left for far off lands in the past year or so - my best friend is in the military and is doing some sort of intelligence thing in Afghanistan, and my former roommate/counselor/general shoulder for crying on went to go teach english in Japan, and one of my closest friends from high school got married and moved to florida, and my friend from Japanese up and decided to move to Madison. Most of the time it's ok, but lately I've just been missing everyone something fierce. Partly I miss having them around all the time, but partly I'm just sad that it probably won't ever be like that again. I mean, I have no idea when my best friend is going to come back home permanently, and my former roommate keeps mumbling something about "4 years" but who knows - he may stay longer, or move somewhere else upon his return. The girl in Florida will probably stay there for the rest of her life. We've been trying to persuade my friend in Madison to move back, but his girlfriend will likely be moving there to attend graduate school and be with him, so that's not going to happen. I'm beginning to see why old people get tired of life. When you've spent 70 or 80 years giving up the people you care about to the circumstances of life, why wouldn't you?
It always makes me think of the elves in the Silmarillion, because I'm jealous that even if they have to wait 5 centuries (or a lot more), they still get to see each other again. That would be such a comforting thought - just knowing that even though you really miss them now, eventually you would all be together again. When I finished Lord of the Rings, I made up an extra ending that once the world ends, all the good souls who ever lived - dwarves, humans, elves, halflings - everyone - were gathered by eru into their final "heaven". which I guess really illustrates what is important to me in life. anyway, back on topic, I miss people. And of course I've made new friends who are important to me, but you can't replace people, you know? Dammit. I'm tired of missing people. :P
I guess overall I'm feeling a little lonely lately. Perhaps because it is summer and I actually have time to feel. :P it's not anything overwhelming though - just a small empty spot in the back of my mind. But, I'm going to go to Japan, and visit Phillip, and then I'm going to disappear into England for three months and emerge a new person, and it will all be wonderful. <.< i think. :)