no more i love yous
ok, since i can't seem to talk to you face to face without you getting all defensive before i have even finished my sentences, let me type it.
it was not my intent to anger you and make you think i was calling you a child killer. in my defence, i just see the way you react at certiain situations, you fly off the handle at the things that really are not THAT big a deal.
when the dogs' bark annoys you, you DO scream at them. when the cat knocks over shit in your room, you think NOTHING of waking me up while yelling at her.
i spilled cereal in your bed today. ok. SORRY. don't you know ME by now to know that i was sorry for it? it was an accident. i'm fucking clumsy, ok?
you got mad because i didn't say sorry?
you were mad about it BEFORE the supposed "child killer" question!!
my bad. MOVING ON.
i pissed in your bed that one time because i was sick. SORRY. COULDN'T HELP IT. MOVING ON.
i bled on your bed by accident because we were both having an intimate moment and i was on my period. we missed the towel. SORRY. MY FAULT. MOVING ON.
i'm not doing this shit purposely to piss you off. but at the same time, while they happen, you can't fault me (i'm a woman. this is what we do) for using these incidents to think about what-if situations for the future.
it's TOTALLY my fault for giving this relationship (what we had of one, anyway) too much thought, as far as the future is concerned. *I* was totally selfish in thinking that i was going to be the fairy God-bitch you needed to get your act together (like you have done with me) and help fix your problems. instead, i turned out to just be a bitch.
i thought i was helping, all the time trying to lavish affection on you and tell you all the time you looked good and you smelled good and what we did in bed felt good, blah blah blah... what i saw, and you can correct me if i am wrong, was you letting it go through one ear and out the other.
all i ever requested, and it's your choice anyway, is to not get into Mr Universe shape and not to grow your hair long like a girl. i don't think that's asking for much. i'm not into that body type and that kind of hairstyle makes you look like a fag.
i never stood a chance with you. plain and simple. it SEEMS like you started me out with a minimum amount of points of greatness, and every little annoying thing i did bumped me down a notch or 2 or 20.
about your legal problem- and i stand by this 100 % - I UNDERSTAND AND CAN SYMPATHIZE! you were accused of doing something you didn't. but why let yourself stew this long with no action? being around cops and watching about and hearing your kind of story makes me think that any OTHER wrongfully accused person wouldn't tolerate 6+ years of taking it up the ass by the state, and they would have found a way to GET the money to pay to get the accusation erased. i mean, as long as they weren't really guilty, right? read from that waht you want. you're going to anyway.
FOOTBALL FANATICS- ok. you got swindled on more than one occasion from them. so you left. it frustrated you and you couldn't handle hearing about the place from me everyday, but you were supportive of me. thank you.
but we're both gone now.
GET OVER IT!! for fuck's sake, it's just a BADLY MANAGED operation! WE KNOW THIS!
the fact that you mentioned the possibility of seeing any of these people again and beating their faces in, well, that's just not healthy. and that is FURTHER proof that you are an individual that harbors violent tendancies!
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZE THIS!
THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SCARED OF YOU SOMETIMES! *NOT* MY SISTER OR MY MOTHER'S TALKS!
what if the punching bag hadn't been there??
and quite frankly, i am getting sick of you badmouthing them now.
they are set in their ways. fine. so am i.
but after that night when you got kicked out, not ONCE have they said anything negative about you again!!
and they have been SO GOOD to you since!
you have an awesome tv/sound system set up at your place. COOL! i like it a lot! but even when you were allowed back in my house, you haven't been here very often. excuses have ranged between because you like your place better, you still feel a bit awkward at my place and it's too far to drive.
i can excuse the first 2, but TOO FAR TO DRIVE? we're talking about your GIRLFRIEND!! when you really love and/or like someone, YOU'LL FIND A WAY!!
Jesus Christ, CONRAD (Lora's brother) would hop a fucking BUS or pay his driving friends to come see me in the city, before he had a license! he sure as shit wasn't going to let his parents, lack of a license, the distance in miles OR a fucking blizzard deter him from the few rays of sunshine he saw each week by visiting me!!
(and i reciprocated)
your next thought or line of defence on that would probably be gas prices... they didn't have high gas prices back then. well, guess what? even when i have $10 in my bank account, i STILL risk the gas and come see YOU! or i borrow from my sister!
I FIND A WAY!!
that's another thing. every guy i dated, or had a long relationship with has gone on to marry the very next person they dated, after we split up. you don't think that's enough for a WOMAN to get a complex over?
I FEEL LIKE MEG, THE FUCKING 'PRACTICE GIRL'!!
and it's al because my heart is on my sleeve and i put my emotions and heart RIGHT OUT THERE for people to fucking rip apart and stomp on!!
this corresponds to your work history- of those companies getting themselves in terrible trouble that they had to close their doors. you feel like you're a streak of bad luck in the job department? ok. maybe i am a streak of bad luck in the relationship department.
WE BOTH NEED TO GET OVER THIS!
i am VERY supportive of you right now, though i AM worried about your self esteem and your mental state, being at home all the time and hiding out and being crippled to go out.
i know how frustrating it is with trying to find a job and getting the runaround. i UNDERSTAND the obstacles you have to face as an individual (legal, etc) but you HAVE to just suck it in and try!
if i was working right now, i wouldn't have a problem in helping you with your finances. or your groceries. but first thing's first.
i NEED a job! i need to raise the money for this bankruptcy thing.
case closed. i am almost out of money, and i CAN'T be doing shit right now.
once the 4 months of clearing my debt starts, i'll be ok. i can do a little more. but until then, i need time.
look, it hurts like hell for me to break up with you. it REALLY does!
i have been selfish and put this relationship before my own family, instead of balancing it out. but by the same token, i still don't feel respected, loved or appreciated. it's all in your body language and your behavior, Will.
i feel like this has been one-sided for a very long time.
i guess we can agree that things were shitty during the first christmas. we should have ended it there. i stuck it out, hoping and PRAYING it would get better, and it has only gotten worse.
you have been basically telling me what to do from day 1-
how to dress- ok, i needed help there, but i didn't have the money to rectify it then.
how to act- what?
how NOT to act- in public, mostly.
telling me i had poor hygiene- very rarely. yeah, when you get up in the morning, sometimes you're a little sour
and my teeth needed fixed- they did, but the no kisses on the mouth bullshit before they were fixed hurt my feelings BIG TIME!
i should work out- i was told not to at first by doctors, but i HAVE been walking pretty regularly
i should not talk aloud about others in stores- if they can't hear me, what's the fucking problem?
even the time i complained about my food in Chili's- it was shit. i'm not paying for shit
or the time i complained about the service at Applebees- it was a LONG time sitting with you, when you were STARVING and starting to get cranky like an infant.
- note, acting infantile and cranky like that (no talking, short temper) gets old after age 4.
i guess because i am a woman and i have motherly instincts (that's another story) i have learned to tolerate certain behavior. not minding spills, wondering if you're ok when you're puking, being comforting when you're sick, not minding the fart jokes or the farting. that stuff doesn't bother me, cos i know it's in preparation of when i'm a mother...
... which is never going to happen anyway.
THAT fucking hurts me most, Will. the fact that i'm strongly advbised NOT to have kids at all, let alone that it's not going to happen with you.
why won't it happen with you? well, first of all, we're done, right? secondly, even if we weren't, your lack of job, and lack of working on your legal problem makes it a volatile situation. we don't have our own place, and as of right now, you have no motivation.
if i we were to have children, it would be an accident because of the no condom rule.
this is another reason why i was stupid. regardless of the fact that you pull out, that is NOT a reliable method of birth control! EVEN IF you pull out in advance! there is a small amount of precum, and you know what? it doesn't fucking matter! any amount is a risk! all it takes is one sperm!
accident or not, i would be ECSTATIC about having a baby with you! at this point, even IF we had gotten pregnant and broke up! why?? because i have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother!! AND I LOVE YOU, you asshole!
um, staying on the sex topic, let's get this straight. you weren't a lousy lay. but rarely was *I* satisfied. and it was all because of you- you would say you were tired. you would complain about being overweight and feeling gross. i asked you in the beginning if you would eat me out, and you said it wasn't your thing. i even brought it up again in later months and you seemed to get pissed that i wasn't respecting your wishes that you didn't want/like to do that.
you wouldn't even finger me.
here's where i bring up that you're mad that i compare you to other guys. which most of the time, i didn't. you asked me not to, toward the beginnning, and i honestly stopped. i was just reacting to your previous behavior with me.
well, by the same token, little boy, you have to stop doing the same thing- comparing me to other girls. i mean, you said you had a bad experience in cunnilingus. that was someone else. that wasn't me. if you wanted to, you would have.
and you actually DID, like 3 times. but stopped and wouldn't finish getting me off.
which makes me think it was me. maybe i smelled bad.
instead of making me feel like shit and a leper by telling me, "babe. why don't you take a shower?" maybe you should have said, "let's go get in the shower together. it will be fun!"
we did that once... and i have been hoping for a repeat ever since.
i even asked a few times and you said no.
so, getting back to it- i never stood a chance with you.
i was just another hole for you to bang. but i was a hole with no feelings.
for the record, i will never speak of you again to anyone. i will not turn it around and blab your legal problems to anyone. i'm not THAT much of a bitch. if anyone asks about you i will shrug my shoulders and say i don't know.
this is not easy for me. i am HURT. by the same token, i know you're hurt.
but i stand by what i said- i only said what i said because your violent thoughts scare the shit out of me and you haven't given me any reason not to think this way.
instead of saying, "fuck. shit." when i spill something in your room, you should have made a joke and said, "see? that's why i told you to use the table, prostitute. now go get a towel."
but i didn't say sorry cos i was too busy getting the towel and trying to help you clean up.
because i didn't say i was sorry, you got pissed and took it out on a punching bag.
you have WAY too much anger and you need to get that fixed.
i can and will no longer help you. do it yourself from now on.
you're probably going to write my name down on your mental chalkboard along with your mother and that bitch who screwed up your life. i am not happy with that, i DON'T think i deserve that, but there's nothing i can do.
when i get a job and get enough money for gas, i will bring your stuff back- the clothes, the PS2, the GameCube, the tv, the spider.
unless you want to come and pick it up. that's not a problem.
it was not my intent to anger you and make you think i was calling you a child killer. in my defence, i just see the way you react at certiain situations, you fly off the handle at the things that really are not THAT big a deal.
when the dogs' bark annoys you, you DO scream at them. when the cat knocks over shit in your room, you think NOTHING of waking me up while yelling at her.
i spilled cereal in your bed today. ok. SORRY. don't you know ME by now to know that i was sorry for it? it was an accident. i'm fucking clumsy, ok?
you got mad because i didn't say sorry?
you were mad about it BEFORE the supposed "child killer" question!!
my bad. MOVING ON.
i pissed in your bed that one time because i was sick. SORRY. COULDN'T HELP IT. MOVING ON.
i bled on your bed by accident because we were both having an intimate moment and i was on my period. we missed the towel. SORRY. MY FAULT. MOVING ON.
i'm not doing this shit purposely to piss you off. but at the same time, while they happen, you can't fault me (i'm a woman. this is what we do) for using these incidents to think about what-if situations for the future.
it's TOTALLY my fault for giving this relationship (what we had of one, anyway) too much thought, as far as the future is concerned. *I* was totally selfish in thinking that i was going to be the fairy God-bitch you needed to get your act together (like you have done with me) and help fix your problems. instead, i turned out to just be a bitch.
i thought i was helping, all the time trying to lavish affection on you and tell you all the time you looked good and you smelled good and what we did in bed felt good, blah blah blah... what i saw, and you can correct me if i am wrong, was you letting it go through one ear and out the other.
all i ever requested, and it's your choice anyway, is to not get into Mr Universe shape and not to grow your hair long like a girl. i don't think that's asking for much. i'm not into that body type and that kind of hairstyle makes you look like a fag.
i never stood a chance with you. plain and simple. it SEEMS like you started me out with a minimum amount of points of greatness, and every little annoying thing i did bumped me down a notch or 2 or 20.
about your legal problem- and i stand by this 100 % - I UNDERSTAND AND CAN SYMPATHIZE! you were accused of doing something you didn't. but why let yourself stew this long with no action? being around cops and watching about and hearing your kind of story makes me think that any OTHER wrongfully accused person wouldn't tolerate 6+ years of taking it up the ass by the state, and they would have found a way to GET the money to pay to get the accusation erased. i mean, as long as they weren't really guilty, right? read from that waht you want. you're going to anyway.
FOOTBALL FANATICS- ok. you got swindled on more than one occasion from them. so you left. it frustrated you and you couldn't handle hearing about the place from me everyday, but you were supportive of me. thank you.
but we're both gone now.
GET OVER IT!! for fuck's sake, it's just a BADLY MANAGED operation! WE KNOW THIS!
the fact that you mentioned the possibility of seeing any of these people again and beating their faces in, well, that's just not healthy. and that is FURTHER proof that you are an individual that harbors violent tendancies!
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REALIZE THIS!
THIS IS WHAT MAKES ME SCARED OF YOU SOMETIMES! *NOT* MY SISTER OR MY MOTHER'S TALKS!
what if the punching bag hadn't been there??
and quite frankly, i am getting sick of you badmouthing them now.
they are set in their ways. fine. so am i.
but after that night when you got kicked out, not ONCE have they said anything negative about you again!!
and they have been SO GOOD to you since!
you have an awesome tv/sound system set up at your place. COOL! i like it a lot! but even when you were allowed back in my house, you haven't been here very often. excuses have ranged between because you like your place better, you still feel a bit awkward at my place and it's too far to drive.
i can excuse the first 2, but TOO FAR TO DRIVE? we're talking about your GIRLFRIEND!! when you really love and/or like someone, YOU'LL FIND A WAY!!
Jesus Christ, CONRAD (Lora's brother) would hop a fucking BUS or pay his driving friends to come see me in the city, before he had a license! he sure as shit wasn't going to let his parents, lack of a license, the distance in miles OR a fucking blizzard deter him from the few rays of sunshine he saw each week by visiting me!!
(and i reciprocated)
your next thought or line of defence on that would probably be gas prices... they didn't have high gas prices back then. well, guess what? even when i have $10 in my bank account, i STILL risk the gas and come see YOU! or i borrow from my sister!
I FIND A WAY!!
that's another thing. every guy i dated, or had a long relationship with has gone on to marry the very next person they dated, after we split up. you don't think that's enough for a WOMAN to get a complex over?
I FEEL LIKE MEG, THE FUCKING 'PRACTICE GIRL'!!
and it's al because my heart is on my sleeve and i put my emotions and heart RIGHT OUT THERE for people to fucking rip apart and stomp on!!
this corresponds to your work history- of those companies getting themselves in terrible trouble that they had to close their doors. you feel like you're a streak of bad luck in the job department? ok. maybe i am a streak of bad luck in the relationship department.
WE BOTH NEED TO GET OVER THIS!
i am VERY supportive of you right now, though i AM worried about your self esteem and your mental state, being at home all the time and hiding out and being crippled to go out.
i know how frustrating it is with trying to find a job and getting the runaround. i UNDERSTAND the obstacles you have to face as an individual (legal, etc) but you HAVE to just suck it in and try!
if i was working right now, i wouldn't have a problem in helping you with your finances. or your groceries. but first thing's first.
i NEED a job! i need to raise the money for this bankruptcy thing.
case closed. i am almost out of money, and i CAN'T be doing shit right now.
once the 4 months of clearing my debt starts, i'll be ok. i can do a little more. but until then, i need time.
look, it hurts like hell for me to break up with you. it REALLY does!
i have been selfish and put this relationship before my own family, instead of balancing it out. but by the same token, i still don't feel respected, loved or appreciated. it's all in your body language and your behavior, Will.
i feel like this has been one-sided for a very long time.
i guess we can agree that things were shitty during the first christmas. we should have ended it there. i stuck it out, hoping and PRAYING it would get better, and it has only gotten worse.
you have been basically telling me what to do from day 1-
how to dress- ok, i needed help there, but i didn't have the money to rectify it then.
how to act- what?
how NOT to act- in public, mostly.
telling me i had poor hygiene- very rarely. yeah, when you get up in the morning, sometimes you're a little sour
and my teeth needed fixed- they did, but the no kisses on the mouth bullshit before they were fixed hurt my feelings BIG TIME!
i should work out- i was told not to at first by doctors, but i HAVE been walking pretty regularly
i should not talk aloud about others in stores- if they can't hear me, what's the fucking problem?
even the time i complained about my food in Chili's- it was shit. i'm not paying for shit
or the time i complained about the service at Applebees- it was a LONG time sitting with you, when you were STARVING and starting to get cranky like an infant.
- note, acting infantile and cranky like that (no talking, short temper) gets old after age 4.
i guess because i am a woman and i have motherly instincts (that's another story) i have learned to tolerate certain behavior. not minding spills, wondering if you're ok when you're puking, being comforting when you're sick, not minding the fart jokes or the farting. that stuff doesn't bother me, cos i know it's in preparation of when i'm a mother...
... which is never going to happen anyway.
THAT fucking hurts me most, Will. the fact that i'm strongly advbised NOT to have kids at all, let alone that it's not going to happen with you.
why won't it happen with you? well, first of all, we're done, right? secondly, even if we weren't, your lack of job, and lack of working on your legal problem makes it a volatile situation. we don't have our own place, and as of right now, you have no motivation.
if i we were to have children, it would be an accident because of the no condom rule.
this is another reason why i was stupid. regardless of the fact that you pull out, that is NOT a reliable method of birth control! EVEN IF you pull out in advance! there is a small amount of precum, and you know what? it doesn't fucking matter! any amount is a risk! all it takes is one sperm!
accident or not, i would be ECSTATIC about having a baby with you! at this point, even IF we had gotten pregnant and broke up! why?? because i have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother!! AND I LOVE YOU, you asshole!
um, staying on the sex topic, let's get this straight. you weren't a lousy lay. but rarely was *I* satisfied. and it was all because of you- you would say you were tired. you would complain about being overweight and feeling gross. i asked you in the beginning if you would eat me out, and you said it wasn't your thing. i even brought it up again in later months and you seemed to get pissed that i wasn't respecting your wishes that you didn't want/like to do that.
you wouldn't even finger me.
here's where i bring up that you're mad that i compare you to other guys. which most of the time, i didn't. you asked me not to, toward the beginnning, and i honestly stopped. i was just reacting to your previous behavior with me.
well, by the same token, little boy, you have to stop doing the same thing- comparing me to other girls. i mean, you said you had a bad experience in cunnilingus. that was someone else. that wasn't me. if you wanted to, you would have.
and you actually DID, like 3 times. but stopped and wouldn't finish getting me off.
which makes me think it was me. maybe i smelled bad.
instead of making me feel like shit and a leper by telling me, "babe. why don't you take a shower?" maybe you should have said, "let's go get in the shower together. it will be fun!"
we did that once... and i have been hoping for a repeat ever since.
i even asked a few times and you said no.
so, getting back to it- i never stood a chance with you.
i was just another hole for you to bang. but i was a hole with no feelings.
for the record, i will never speak of you again to anyone. i will not turn it around and blab your legal problems to anyone. i'm not THAT much of a bitch. if anyone asks about you i will shrug my shoulders and say i don't know.
this is not easy for me. i am HURT. by the same token, i know you're hurt.
but i stand by what i said- i only said what i said because your violent thoughts scare the shit out of me and you haven't given me any reason not to think this way.
instead of saying, "fuck. shit." when i spill something in your room, you should have made a joke and said, "see? that's why i told you to use the table, prostitute. now go get a towel."
but i didn't say sorry cos i was too busy getting the towel and trying to help you clean up.
because i didn't say i was sorry, you got pissed and took it out on a punching bag.
you have WAY too much anger and you need to get that fixed.
i can and will no longer help you. do it yourself from now on.
you're probably going to write my name down on your mental chalkboard along with your mother and that bitch who screwed up your life. i am not happy with that, i DON'T think i deserve that, but there's nothing i can do.
when i get a job and get enough money for gas, i will bring your stuff back- the clothes, the PS2, the GameCube, the tv, the spider.
unless you want to come and pick it up. that's not a problem.