(we are) i am broken.
i can remember exactly where i was and what everything looked like around me when i was writing the lyrics. i forced myself to relive some of the very vivid memories that i have of the times he dated her. i don't think anyone can understand how awkwardly dark those times were at such a young age. but i do. to finally explain my side of the story and feel freed of it all... well, i was so angry and so happy at the same time. every word i wrote was like a thousand weights lifted off my shoulders. no more burden. what i didn't realize, as i wrote some of those lines, was that while i was escaping one burden, i was also giving myself another.
"but god does it feel so good... to steal it all away from you now. and if you could then you know you would. cause god it just feels so... it just feels so good."
i'm ashamed to say that, although i'm a believer in Jesus Christ and i claim him as my God, when i wrote those lyrics i wasn't addressing him. i was using his name casually. in vain, to be blunt. if you know much about the Christian religion (which i'm not too fond of addressing my faith as), you'll probably know that one of the ten commandments is "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain"... it goes on to say, "...for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." As a believer in Christ, that last part scares the hell out of me. i don't want to be held accountable for being the cause of so many people using his name in vain. you don't have to believe in what i believe and no one in Paramore is ever going to go around forcing our faith into people's lives... but believer or not, i might have led some of ya'll to believe that i take my saviour lightly. and i don't.
God brought me through everything that i say in "Misery Business". i believe that i am a stronger person because those things happened in my life. through that situation, i learned so much. when i sing that song now, i'm not the same person i was when i wrote it. when i sing those lines that i used to sing in vain, i mean them in a different way. i don't want to opportunity to be held responsible for causing a lot of people to use my God's name in vain. so, whether or you not you believe in Christ. whether or not you care if it means something when you say God. just know that as for me, when I am singing those lines, i'm telling God that it feels good to stand up for myself and be victorious after long months of confusion and pain. i don't hurt the same way anymore.
sorry this was so long winded. i know we don't usually speak out about our faith. mostly, because our faith is personal to us. but i really felt like i needed to say something, before it was too late. thanks for reading.
the guys aren't responsible for whatever mess this post could possibly get us into,
hayley
hayley williams is probably the person i look up to the most, currently. not because she's the lead singer in one of my favorite bands or because she's famous or skinny or pretty or anything.
because of what she wrote in that cut from paramore's lj.
withing the past month or so thing have been getting crazy. people who i didn't expect reentered my life, and i'm a little hesitant as to how to handle it, because it feels like i could easily slip back into the same situation i was years ago, and have the same things happen all over again, and i don't want that.
the foundations of what i believed in were shaken up so badly this summer, and it got to the point where i was doubting almost everything about myself.
i'm struggling to move forward, or at least, that's what i'm telling myself. i keep going back to the same people. probably not the way to go about healing anything, or making progress.
i think i need to get out of this place for a while, state, possibly.
i feel ashamed to say that i constantly doubt my morals the way i do. i feel so weak and so pathetic, like i don't deserve help or sympathy. i honestly think that i don't deserve that, and i know there are people who agree with me. i'm a christian, i believe in God and that Jesus is my savior and that if I follow him i'll be rewarded. i don't care what happens anymore, i have to start sticking to my guns and having some spine. i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, and i don't have sex.
i need to get it together inside first.
i've got to stop being so raunchy , and cursing and being so indecisive.
i want to be changed for the better, and i want to live with no regrets, no fear and no shame.
also, i've got to learn to start sentences or thoughts with something other than "i"
byebye