WOW. At first, I thought some kid wrote all that as a joke. I just imagined some nerd sitting at his computer surrounded by his D&D buddies and rolling for what absurd idea to write next. This is what happens to those nerds when they're old and their arthritis is so bad they can't roll to see if they eat the tapioca or the apple sauce.
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(No offense to my D&D playing friends:p)
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