On Health and Relationships
This is more of a PSA. But it has come up in conversation with so many people this week, that I thought I should post the information.
The question: What does healthy look like in a relationship? I know what unhealthy looks like and I have become inured to it. How do I tell the difference?
The Answer:
A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship
When you give up your boundaries in a relationship, you:When your boundaries are intact in a relationship, you:Are unclear about your wants and needs.Have clear wants and needs, and act upon them.Do not notice unhappiness, since “hanging in there” is your concern.Recognize when you are happy/unhappy.Change your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you, while remaining centered. You live actively.Do more and more for less and less.Do more when that gets results.Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard.Trust your own intuition while being open to other’s opinions.Live hopefully while wishing and waiting.Live optimistically while working on change.Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving.Are satisfied if you are thriving.Let the other’s smallest improvement maintain your inability to take action. Are encouraged by sincere, ongoing change for the better.Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity.Have excited interest in satisfying hobbies and projects.Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else. You accept alibis.Have a personal standard (although flexible) that applies to everyone and asks for self-responsibility from them.Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity.Appreciate someone commenting on your behavior or qualities and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate.Try to create intimacy with someone who has excessive self-admiration and self-interest.Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible.Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results. Are strongly affected by your partner’s behavior, and take it as information.Will give up every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it.Have sex in your life so that you can enjoy it, but never at the cost of your moral standards and sense of honesty.See your partner as causing your excitement.See your partner as stimulating your excitement.Feel hurt and victimized, but not angry.Let yourself feel anger, say “ouch” and begin a program of change.Act out of giving in to others and changing what you need or want.Act out of agreeing with others or bargaining with another to reach agreement.Do favors that you inwardly do not want to do but cannot say no.Only do favors you choose to do. You can say no.Disregard your own intuition in favor of your wishes.Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes.Allow your partner to abuse your children, friends, or yourself.Insist that the boundaries of others be as safe as your own.Mostly feel afraid and confused.Mostly feel secure and clear.Are caught up in a drama that is beyond your control. Are always aware of having choices.Are living a life that is not yours and seems unchangeable.Are living a life that is mostly what you always wanted for yourself.Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed. You have no bottom line.Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed.Believe you have no right to keep some things private.Protect your private matters without having to lie or be sneaky.
The question: What does healthy look like in a relationship? I know what unhealthy looks like and I have become inured to it. How do I tell the difference?
The Answer:
A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship
When you give up your boundaries in a relationship, you:When your boundaries are intact in a relationship, you:Are unclear about your wants and needs.Have clear wants and needs, and act upon them.Do not notice unhappiness, since “hanging in there” is your concern.Recognize when you are happy/unhappy.Change your behavior, plans, or opinions to fit the current moods or circumstances of another (live reactively)Acknowledge moods and circumstances around you, while remaining centered. You live actively.Do more and more for less and less.Do more when that gets results.Take as truth the most recent opinion you have heard.Trust your own intuition while being open to other’s opinions.Live hopefully while wishing and waiting.Live optimistically while working on change.Are satisfied if you are coping and surviving.Are satisfied if you are thriving.Let the other’s smallest improvement maintain your inability to take action. Are encouraged by sincere, ongoing change for the better.Have few hobbies because you have no attention span for self-directed activity.Have excited interest in satisfying hobbies and projects.Make exceptions for a person for things you would not tolerate in anyone else. You accept alibis.Have a personal standard (although flexible) that applies to everyone and asks for self-responsibility from them.Are manipulated by flattery so that you lose objectivity.Appreciate someone commenting on your behavior or qualities and can distinguish it from attempts to manipulate.Try to create intimacy with someone who has excessive self-admiration and self-interest.Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible.Are so strongly affected by another that obsession results. Are strongly affected by your partner’s behavior, and take it as information.Will give up every personal limit to get sex or the promise of it.Have sex in your life so that you can enjoy it, but never at the cost of your moral standards and sense of honesty.See your partner as causing your excitement.See your partner as stimulating your excitement.Feel hurt and victimized, but not angry.Let yourself feel anger, say “ouch” and begin a program of change.Act out of giving in to others and changing what you need or want.Act out of agreeing with others or bargaining with another to reach agreement.Do favors that you inwardly do not want to do but cannot say no.Only do favors you choose to do. You can say no.Disregard your own intuition in favor of your wishes.Honor intuitions and distinguish them from wishes.Allow your partner to abuse your children, friends, or yourself.Insist that the boundaries of others be as safe as your own.Mostly feel afraid and confused.Mostly feel secure and clear.Are caught up in a drama that is beyond your control. Are always aware of having choices.Are living a life that is not yours and seems unchangeable.Are living a life that is mostly what you always wanted for yourself.Commit yourself for as long as the other needs you to be committed. You have no bottom line.Decide how, to what extent, and how long you will be committed.Believe you have no right to keep some things private.Protect your private matters without having to lie or be sneaky.