Fic: Luke Snyder's Journal
Title: Luke Snyder's Journal
Author: random_nic
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: ATWT characters are the property of Telenext and CBS.
Word Count: 850-ish
Summary: The past six New Year's Eve entries in Luke Snyder's journal.
Notes: Written for bijou1986 for nuke_anon's Secret Santa gift exchange; check out all the new Nuke stories!
New Year’s Eve, 2010
Over the past few days, well-meaning friends and acquaintances have wished me a happy new year. The difference in how they say it this year says it all, though. The forced smile. The pitying head tilt. The greeting is offered because it’s expected, not because anyone thinks I'm likely to be happy next year.
They’re not wrong. Reid is dead. Noah’s gone. And instead of choosing between the different paths my life might take, I struggle to see even one road that goes forward.
New Year’s Eve, 2011
Although I understand it, it feels wrong to me that a whole year went by without Reid Oliver on the planet and no one seemed to notice. I know it isn’t really true; the people whose lives he touched - and saved - noticed. I didn’t expect the world to stop turning, but for the loss of a life as large as his, shouldn’t it have slowed a little?
And shouldn’t I feel guilty thinking so much about the most important life he saved?
New Year’s Eve, 2012
Noah flew back to L.A. today as scheduled, so we won’t be ringing in the New Year together. That’s probably for the best. It would’ve been crazy to think we’d just naturally fall in sync again after two years, even just as friends, but I didn’t expect the interaction between us to be so excruciating.
The incessant politeness from our few phone conversations carried over in person. While it was great to see my family’s happiness having him home again, it was a feeling I never got to share. Instead, Noah and I tripped over ourselves to keep our conversations non-threatening and impersonal.
I think we’re both scared that facing everything we put each other through would destroy any possibility of a second visit.
New Year’s Eve, 2013
This isn’t where I expected to be last year at this time. Life really does move on, whether you planned or even wanted it to. Christmas was a little awkward, but nothing like the last one.
For the most part it was great. Having Noah home and being able to enjoy it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen again. It means the world that even though we’re not together, my family is his family. I hope that never changes.
I’ll admit I was worried about the whole Danny situation. In the few times we’ve spoken by phone, I sensed he was a good guy, but I wasn’t sure about meeting him in person. To be honest, I was less worried about how he’d be than how I would.
But through my moderate twinges of jealousy I can see he really cares about Noah. Noah’s feelings are a little harder to peg, which is probably what bothers me most. There was a time I could read him intimately, but not anymore. What is apparent is that Noah’s more relaxed and at ease than he was a year ago. If Danny’s part of the reason that Noah and I can talk and joke like humans again and not act like the Stepford Exes we were last year, I guess I should thank him for that.
I probably won’t.
New Year’s Eve, 2014
It’s weird how much more nervous I was for Noah to meet my boyfriend than I was to meet his last year. Thanks to my constant mood swings and overall spazz factor this week, Brett repeatedly threatened to admit me to Memorial’s psych ward as his newest patient. I don’t know why it was so important that Noah liked him, but it was.
Maybe because things with Brett have gotten serious much faster than I ever saw coming. He’s a traditional guy, and wants to settle down sooner rather than later. When he talks about the future and a home and children, the pang in my chest reminds me I want all that, too.
After seeing Noah with Danny last year, I remember thinking they could be engaged by this time. Instead, they broke up, and it’s me who could have a ring on my finger in another year. If that happens, I really need Noah to be okay with things. I don’t know how I could get married without Noah being part of it.
New Year’s Eve, 2015
Reading over this journal, I see I was right about two things. I never could’ve gotten married without Noah being part of it. And life really does move on.
But love... love doesn’t. Not when it’s this strong, this deep, this intractable. It may lay dormant for awhile to give us time to heal, but when it’s meant to be it can’t ever die.
As he lays sleeping beside me on a minimally comfortable air mattress in our comically unfurnished new home, I know the one thing I’ll never be wrong about again is us. I’ll never take us for granted, or believe anything is too big for us to overcome, or let fear make me doubt we belong together. I will always, always appreciate the gift of our life together and never let it go.
Happy New Year, Noah.
Author: random_nic
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: ATWT characters are the property of Telenext and CBS.
Word Count: 850-ish
Summary: The past six New Year's Eve entries in Luke Snyder's journal.
Notes: Written for bijou1986 for nuke_anon's Secret Santa gift exchange; check out all the new Nuke stories!
New Year’s Eve, 2010
Over the past few days, well-meaning friends and acquaintances have wished me a happy new year. The difference in how they say it this year says it all, though. The forced smile. The pitying head tilt. The greeting is offered because it’s expected, not because anyone thinks I'm likely to be happy next year.
They’re not wrong. Reid is dead. Noah’s gone. And instead of choosing between the different paths my life might take, I struggle to see even one road that goes forward.
New Year’s Eve, 2011
Although I understand it, it feels wrong to me that a whole year went by without Reid Oliver on the planet and no one seemed to notice. I know it isn’t really true; the people whose lives he touched - and saved - noticed. I didn’t expect the world to stop turning, but for the loss of a life as large as his, shouldn’t it have slowed a little?
And shouldn’t I feel guilty thinking so much about the most important life he saved?
New Year’s Eve, 2012
Noah flew back to L.A. today as scheduled, so we won’t be ringing in the New Year together. That’s probably for the best. It would’ve been crazy to think we’d just naturally fall in sync again after two years, even just as friends, but I didn’t expect the interaction between us to be so excruciating.
The incessant politeness from our few phone conversations carried over in person. While it was great to see my family’s happiness having him home again, it was a feeling I never got to share. Instead, Noah and I tripped over ourselves to keep our conversations non-threatening and impersonal.
I think we’re both scared that facing everything we put each other through would destroy any possibility of a second visit.
New Year’s Eve, 2013
This isn’t where I expected to be last year at this time. Life really does move on, whether you planned or even wanted it to. Christmas was a little awkward, but nothing like the last one.
For the most part it was great. Having Noah home and being able to enjoy it was something I wasn’t sure would ever happen again. It means the world that even though we’re not together, my family is his family. I hope that never changes.
I’ll admit I was worried about the whole Danny situation. In the few times we’ve spoken by phone, I sensed he was a good guy, but I wasn’t sure about meeting him in person. To be honest, I was less worried about how he’d be than how I would.
But through my moderate twinges of jealousy I can see he really cares about Noah. Noah’s feelings are a little harder to peg, which is probably what bothers me most. There was a time I could read him intimately, but not anymore. What is apparent is that Noah’s more relaxed and at ease than he was a year ago. If Danny’s part of the reason that Noah and I can talk and joke like humans again and not act like the Stepford Exes we were last year, I guess I should thank him for that.
I probably won’t.
New Year’s Eve, 2014
It’s weird how much more nervous I was for Noah to meet my boyfriend than I was to meet his last year. Thanks to my constant mood swings and overall spazz factor this week, Brett repeatedly threatened to admit me to Memorial’s psych ward as his newest patient. I don’t know why it was so important that Noah liked him, but it was.
Maybe because things with Brett have gotten serious much faster than I ever saw coming. He’s a traditional guy, and wants to settle down sooner rather than later. When he talks about the future and a home and children, the pang in my chest reminds me I want all that, too.
After seeing Noah with Danny last year, I remember thinking they could be engaged by this time. Instead, they broke up, and it’s me who could have a ring on my finger in another year. If that happens, I really need Noah to be okay with things. I don’t know how I could get married without Noah being part of it.
New Year’s Eve, 2015
Reading over this journal, I see I was right about two things. I never could’ve gotten married without Noah being part of it. And life really does move on.
But love... love doesn’t. Not when it’s this strong, this deep, this intractable. It may lay dormant for awhile to give us time to heal, but when it’s meant to be it can’t ever die.
As he lays sleeping beside me on a minimally comfortable air mattress in our comically unfurnished new home, I know the one thing I’ll never be wrong about again is us. I’ll never take us for granted, or believe anything is too big for us to overcome, or let fear make me doubt we belong together. I will always, always appreciate the gift of our life together and never let it go.
Happy New Year, Noah.