Fic - Dead Man Walking - Epilogue
Yes, finally. I got some writing mojo back. I always thought this story needed more of a wrap up. Tagged ptsdfic
The bar was surprisingly full. He wasn’t in the mood for it, that was the truth, but he also wasn’t in the mood to argue with Dee over it. She had a point, anyway. There was recovering from surgery and the cancer vaccine Dr. Cottle had made, and there was hiding from everyone and he was edging closer to the second as every day passed. He didn’t consider it hiding, he legitimately hadn’t been well. Cottle had almost gleefully diagnosed him with stage one bone cancer in his left leg. The almost immediate surgery and subsequent recovery, coupled with the cancer vaccine shots, had kept him in sick bay for close to three weeks. At least, he thought as he carefully made his way to the table that Dee was pointing at, it didn’t hurt to move anymore, and the crutches weren’t permanent. Neither was the itchy, heavy cast. “Hey, everyone. I have cubits.” He dropped a handful of the worthless money on the table and took a seat next to Dee.
“You look a lot better, Felix,” Racetrack said as she dealt him some cards. She grinned playfully. “And I am not just saying that this time. That time in sick bay though, right after you’d clearly just finished up vomiting on yourself? I was lying then. Now though, you genuinely don’t look like death warmed over. Are you still riddled with cancer?”
Narcho and Dee both glared at her in horror. Felix laughed instead. It felt good to laugh, and it felt good to know that people felt comfortable teasing him. And Racetrack was teasing, she was trying to break the ice around asking about the cancer. It surprised him, really. It was hard to believe that asking him if he was a traitor, before his capture, and asking about the Cylon torture and his mental state after was apparently less awkward to most people on the Galactica than asking him about his cancer treatments.
“According to Dr. Cottle,” he said as he accepted a glass of ambrosia from Narcho, “the vaccine he made is working. On the last scan, that was done today, he found no cancer. I have to have a scan once a month for the next two years, and once a year after that,” until he died and he hadn’t really made peace with that yet but it wasn’t the worst news he’d ever gotten, “and the bone is healing nicely. I should get the cast off in two weeks.” He looked at Narcho and Dee. “So maybe you guys could spread that around so everyone doesn’t stare at me like I might drop dead at any moment.”
“No, see, we’re waiting for your bones to melt and for you to collapse in a pile of goo.” Narcho nodded sagely. “This is our understanding of your illness.” Everyone else snickered and nodded along. He leaned in, and Felix realized suddenly that Narcho was flirting with him. Narcho took one of his hands and stroked it. “We also heard a rumor that you’re no longer capable of functioning like a man…. Has that been tested? I‘m willing to assist.”
He ignored the snickering from Dee and Racetrack. “Well, if your source was Racetrack, you’ll have to remember she’s still bitter that I have turned down her numerous and often desperate offers to deflower her. However in the spirit of stopping ugly rumors before they start… a demonstration could be arranged. But after the cast comes off, if you can handle a little bit of a wait.” The pain in his left leg was manageable, and it was lessening every day as the bone healed from what Cottle has called a “drilling and scraping excavation” but he wasn’t feeling a roll in the hay with the cast still on.
Narcho squeezed his hand and smiled. “When exactly is the cast coming off? Because I also think its time your private quarters got broken in.” He paused. “I’ve thought that for a while… You don’t know just how jealous I was of Louis….” He let go and leaned back in his chair. “Now that we have a date, we should get the game going.” He nodded at Racetrack. “Maybe we should bring her along as well. I mean, you know how she spreads rumors…”
Racetrack nodded enthusiastically. “I’m ready to be a part of this sandwich. But I agree, we should wait until you’re ready for it.” She smirked. “Let’s just say I think Noel and I would get in trouble if we sent you back to sickbay.”
They all laughed, and inwardly Felix marveled. He had a date. A date. A date with Noel Allison, the same person he had ended up with in the fantasy, and Racetrack who had been one of his conspirators, but it didn’t scare him. It was more than a year off, and many things besides the timing were wrong. Noel wasn’t bitter, he wasn’t a dead eyed husk beaten down by watching the Admiral embrace the enemy that destroyed his family. Racetrack wasn’t broken and enraged that the Admiral couldn’t see the mistake he was making. And at the bar, Cally Tyrol was chatting with Brendan Costanza, and he was certain that they both would be joining the game at some point. Joining the game and possibly each other, if he was catching the signals correctly. Cally was a friend, and so was Brandon, and he was certain that it was soon to be common knowledge that she had cheated on Galen with Brandon and the baby wasn’t Galen’s at all. Better for little Nicky, all things considered, but he had a feeling it was going to break Tyrol into pieces when he found out. And that was not his fault or his problem. He didn’t make Galen Tyrol a Cylon, and it wasn’t his fault that the man’s wife had cheated on him and as stupid as he felt about it, it was probably a good idea that he had a twice weekly appointment with the fleet’s only shrink. He wasn’t to blame for everything, and people didn’t blame him for things that weren’t his fault. He doubted he would ever shake feeling guilty about the deaths on New Caprica, but he was starting to accept that not only wasn’t it all his fault, people didn’t see him as a bad person. Quite the opposite in fact. Colonel Tigh, of all people, had made a point of visiting him, thanking him for trying to protect the secret Cylons and apologizing for what happened with the Circle. It hadn’t seemed forced, the older man had been genuine in his remorse and his concern about the cancer. The Admiral had been quietly concerned as well. Not overbearing about it, which made him different from Dee, who had been hovering like crazy. She wasn’t the only one. Racetrack, Narcho, Hotdog, even Lee… they had been more subtle about it but it was there. It felt good. It meant that things had changed, that the future had changed.
And if he was worried that Earth really was nothing but a radioactive heap, according to the psychologist, he wasn’t the only one. It was another thing that his subconscious had hidden away. Apparently the belief was common enough that the psychologist was supposed to report it to the civilian authorities since it was potentially a threat to the government if the talk got out of hand. There was also talk that *he* was somehow responsible for the decreased Cylon activity. Lee had told him about that, although the pleasant joking banter had the feel of a subject that Cottle and Lee had spent time discussing out they would present it. That was a point of irritation but he wasn’t angry about it. He had hardly been a paragon of mental health the last few months. It was probably going to be a few months more before people didn’t assume that a stray word or question would cause him to break down. Ironic considering just how mentally healthy he felt. Cottle and the therapist had fancy words for it, that he’d had some sort of psychological catharsis. Whatever it was, it was nice to be able to sleep at night, and not just because he could lock the door.
A hush fell over the bar as Lee and Kara Thrace entered the bar. He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t to blame for Kara’s problems either, but there was no need to make it worse by picking at her. For starters, he was already in one cast and that was unpleasant enough that he didn’t want to repeat it. More importantly, he thought as he looked away, one thing he had vowed to himself, he wasn’t going to delight in someone else’s pain. Even Kara’s. The gods knew she had never shown a moment of kindness to him, no one would question it if he responded in kind but he wasn’t going to do it. The future was different now, he believed it, but he had a suspicion that grinding Kara Thrace down as hard as he could would take them all down an even darker path.
Besides, if he knew Lee Adama at all, there wouldn’t be much tolerated. That was why he gave Dee a warning look as Lee steered Kara over to their table. He understood exactly what Lee was doing, he was staging a meeting between the two of them, a meeting that would show everyone else that things were ok, that Kara was back in the fold. Lee would bring Kara to the table, he would deal her in, and everyone would let out the breath they were holding. Unless, he realized suddenly, Dee said every ugly thought in her head. She was livid and he had to admit, he wasn’t exactly pleased at the ham handed manipulation Lee was trying to work. At some point Lee needed to accept that Dee disliked Kara and didn’t want any part of rehabilitating Kara’s image. But that was also a conversation for later. He didn’t think it would help much but he was willing to play along.
“Can we join you?” Lee asked. He held out the bottle of ambrosia, a good bottle, from before the Cylon attack. A bribe no one was willing to turn down which made it easier. In seconds, Lee and Kara were sitting at the table, and he was dealing them in. Clever, he thought again, Lee was clever about people in a lot of ways. The game continued on, quiet at first, but once it was clear that Kara wasn’t going to leap onto him or anyone else and kill them, it did, in an odd way, seem to return to normal.
At least until Dee decided to go in a different direction. “What was it like, Felix? The Cylon projection, I mean.” As everyone threw her warning looks, she glared back marvelously, and didn’t back down. “You don’t have to answer, I was just curious…. Because the admiral was so angry…”
Better, he thought as he looked at everyone carefully, to say something and let the topic rest than refuse and let everyone make up even worse horror stories. “He was angry because the Cylons made it seem like I couldn’t trust him. It was… really unpleasant. It was a mental scenario that I couldn’t break out of and everyone that I cared about betrayed me or died… which is why I was so twitchy and upset right after I was rescued. Sometimes its hard to remember that certain things didn’t actually happen. But, it *is* over and I hope you’ll be forgiving over how out of it I have been.” He didn’t realize until he finished speaking that he was unconsciously clenching the toes on his right foot.
Kara scowled a bit at his answer, but Dee didn’t catch it, and he saw that it was the right sort of answer to give to everyone. Lee knew the details of course, and so did Racetrack as she had been drafted as an official witness to his interrogation, but neither had even hinted to anyone what had happened. No one had expressly ordered him to not share the details of the projection, but he had no intention of spreading around the idea that he had led a mutiny that would have been successful if the Cylons hadn’t cheated.
The answer seemed to satisfy everyone and they returned to more casual talk. Bitching about duty, complaining about the food, complaining about their card hand. Slowly people drifted off until he realized that he was sitting alone at a table with just Kara. “One more hand?” he asked casually.
“Sure.” She took the cards, but didn’t look at them. “What did I do to you? In the projection, I mean. I think we both know I tried to murder you in the airlock.”
He wondered about her intent, but she seemed calm. No, he realized suddenly, she was worried. “Why do you want to know?”
“You put things together,” she said. She swirled her drink, her expression pensive. “Bill Adama was angry because whatever you think you did, you were probably right about it, and he didn’t see it until you made him look.” She looked him in the eyes. “I’m not exactly happy about what you found out about me, Gaeta… but I’d rather know than not know, if you get me. I need to know if my being here is dangerous. The admiral said you had your little breakdown because you were protecting us, the five of us, from him. I get that. I have people I care about. I don’t want them in danger, especially because of me.”
Not what he expected from her, he had to admit that. It made sense though. Even in the projection, he knew Kara had people she cared about, that she worried about. That made the answer easier. “We weren’t friends in the projection. You were a complete and utter bitch to me and part of what makes forgetting the projection so difficult is knowing that it really wasn’t so far off in how you’ve treated me, and I haven’t forgotten the airlock. I’d forgive it, if you ever made an effort to be forgiven, but I won’t forget it. But… in the projection… you were special. Almost magical. It was like I could never touch you, no matter how awful you were, you always had to get away because… You’re important.” Saying it, he realized it was true. He leaned back in the chair, and despite the nature of the conversation, he had to smile. “I think… I know, that Lee was offended that in the projection, he was almost an after thought. You weren’t. You were awful, and hateful, and cruel, and I could never shake the story away from the fact that you’re incredibly significant to our finding a new home.” Because she wasn’t laughing, because she was staring at him like he was throwing her a lifeline, he decided to share his one real fear left from the projection. “I think I saw one possible future, Kara. I think we were heading down that path. It could never happen exactly the way I saw it, because the Cylons were intentionally making me lose….”
“But if you could commit mutiny, any of us could.” Kara tossed back her glass of ambrosia, clearly relishing it. “Don’t look so shocked. No one told me anything. Trust me, the half Cylon pilot is not trusted with state secrets these days. No, the clues are your guilt over it, even though it didn’t happen, and the admiral being pissed about you not trusting him.” She smirked at him. “You’re not the type to leave the fleet in the hands of someone you don’t trust, Felix.”
It was true, so he nodded. She was worried about the fleet as well, he understood what she was really asking. The events of the projection weren’t real, but everything he had felt was real. Including the despair. He wondered suddenly what would have happened if someone, anyone, in the projection had tried to stop him by showing him some kindness and concern. “Kara, we didn’t get along in the projection because of what happened in the airlock. But… I could never simply get rid of you, even though I tried, because I know that you’re important to the fleet. I know it. I don’t know why or how, but I know that the day we find Earth, it will be because of you. There’s something about you that is important. I couldn’t get rid of you because we need you.” He tossed back his own drink, letting the smooth liquid warm him.
“You mean that, Gaeta?” Her tone was cold but he could tell she was intensely curious.
“Yes. Every time I tried to get rid of you or the admiral… I couldn’t.” That some of that was due to the Cylons manipulating him, he didn’t mention. They had a vested interest in making him lose the scenario, but he didn’t need to point that out to Kara Thrace, who he suspected needed to hear that she needed to stay alive.
After a long moment, she nodded. “I’ll trust you on that.” She leaned in close to him. “But you listen to me, Felix. If that ever changes, you will tell me. You got that?”
“I do.” But for safety’s sake, she wouldn’t be the first person he told. There was being kind, and then there was being stupid, and he had no intention of ever telling Kara Thrace that he thought she was a danger to the fleet without backup. He had his fair share of psychological issues left to deal with, but he liked to think sheer stupidity wasn’t one of them.
She got up and started to walk off, and then came back. Her expression darkened. “Did you mean what you said? About the airlock?”
Before he even thought about what she was asking, he nodded. “Yes.”
“Then… I’m sorry. About what happened in the airlock.” She waited, her arms crossed.
He was so stunned, for a moment he almost forgot what she was asking. Finally though, he got it. He wanted the future to change, and apparently he wasn‘t the only one. “I forgive you, Kara.”
And suddenly he wondered if it was possible that Earth wouldn’t be a radioactive husk.
The bar was surprisingly full. He wasn’t in the mood for it, that was the truth, but he also wasn’t in the mood to argue with Dee over it. She had a point, anyway. There was recovering from surgery and the cancer vaccine Dr. Cottle had made, and there was hiding from everyone and he was edging closer to the second as every day passed. He didn’t consider it hiding, he legitimately hadn’t been well. Cottle had almost gleefully diagnosed him with stage one bone cancer in his left leg. The almost immediate surgery and subsequent recovery, coupled with the cancer vaccine shots, had kept him in sick bay for close to three weeks. At least, he thought as he carefully made his way to the table that Dee was pointing at, it didn’t hurt to move anymore, and the crutches weren’t permanent. Neither was the itchy, heavy cast. “Hey, everyone. I have cubits.” He dropped a handful of the worthless money on the table and took a seat next to Dee.
“You look a lot better, Felix,” Racetrack said as she dealt him some cards. She grinned playfully. “And I am not just saying that this time. That time in sick bay though, right after you’d clearly just finished up vomiting on yourself? I was lying then. Now though, you genuinely don’t look like death warmed over. Are you still riddled with cancer?”
Narcho and Dee both glared at her in horror. Felix laughed instead. It felt good to laugh, and it felt good to know that people felt comfortable teasing him. And Racetrack was teasing, she was trying to break the ice around asking about the cancer. It surprised him, really. It was hard to believe that asking him if he was a traitor, before his capture, and asking about the Cylon torture and his mental state after was apparently less awkward to most people on the Galactica than asking him about his cancer treatments.
“According to Dr. Cottle,” he said as he accepted a glass of ambrosia from Narcho, “the vaccine he made is working. On the last scan, that was done today, he found no cancer. I have to have a scan once a month for the next two years, and once a year after that,” until he died and he hadn’t really made peace with that yet but it wasn’t the worst news he’d ever gotten, “and the bone is healing nicely. I should get the cast off in two weeks.” He looked at Narcho and Dee. “So maybe you guys could spread that around so everyone doesn’t stare at me like I might drop dead at any moment.”
“No, see, we’re waiting for your bones to melt and for you to collapse in a pile of goo.” Narcho nodded sagely. “This is our understanding of your illness.” Everyone else snickered and nodded along. He leaned in, and Felix realized suddenly that Narcho was flirting with him. Narcho took one of his hands and stroked it. “We also heard a rumor that you’re no longer capable of functioning like a man…. Has that been tested? I‘m willing to assist.”
He ignored the snickering from Dee and Racetrack. “Well, if your source was Racetrack, you’ll have to remember she’s still bitter that I have turned down her numerous and often desperate offers to deflower her. However in the spirit of stopping ugly rumors before they start… a demonstration could be arranged. But after the cast comes off, if you can handle a little bit of a wait.” The pain in his left leg was manageable, and it was lessening every day as the bone healed from what Cottle has called a “drilling and scraping excavation” but he wasn’t feeling a roll in the hay with the cast still on.
Narcho squeezed his hand and smiled. “When exactly is the cast coming off? Because I also think its time your private quarters got broken in.” He paused. “I’ve thought that for a while… You don’t know just how jealous I was of Louis….” He let go and leaned back in his chair. “Now that we have a date, we should get the game going.” He nodded at Racetrack. “Maybe we should bring her along as well. I mean, you know how she spreads rumors…”
Racetrack nodded enthusiastically. “I’m ready to be a part of this sandwich. But I agree, we should wait until you’re ready for it.” She smirked. “Let’s just say I think Noel and I would get in trouble if we sent you back to sickbay.”
They all laughed, and inwardly Felix marveled. He had a date. A date. A date with Noel Allison, the same person he had ended up with in the fantasy, and Racetrack who had been one of his conspirators, but it didn’t scare him. It was more than a year off, and many things besides the timing were wrong. Noel wasn’t bitter, he wasn’t a dead eyed husk beaten down by watching the Admiral embrace the enemy that destroyed his family. Racetrack wasn’t broken and enraged that the Admiral couldn’t see the mistake he was making. And at the bar, Cally Tyrol was chatting with Brendan Costanza, and he was certain that they both would be joining the game at some point. Joining the game and possibly each other, if he was catching the signals correctly. Cally was a friend, and so was Brandon, and he was certain that it was soon to be common knowledge that she had cheated on Galen with Brandon and the baby wasn’t Galen’s at all. Better for little Nicky, all things considered, but he had a feeling it was going to break Tyrol into pieces when he found out. And that was not his fault or his problem. He didn’t make Galen Tyrol a Cylon, and it wasn’t his fault that the man’s wife had cheated on him and as stupid as he felt about it, it was probably a good idea that he had a twice weekly appointment with the fleet’s only shrink. He wasn’t to blame for everything, and people didn’t blame him for things that weren’t his fault. He doubted he would ever shake feeling guilty about the deaths on New Caprica, but he was starting to accept that not only wasn’t it all his fault, people didn’t see him as a bad person. Quite the opposite in fact. Colonel Tigh, of all people, had made a point of visiting him, thanking him for trying to protect the secret Cylons and apologizing for what happened with the Circle. It hadn’t seemed forced, the older man had been genuine in his remorse and his concern about the cancer. The Admiral had been quietly concerned as well. Not overbearing about it, which made him different from Dee, who had been hovering like crazy. She wasn’t the only one. Racetrack, Narcho, Hotdog, even Lee… they had been more subtle about it but it was there. It felt good. It meant that things had changed, that the future had changed.
And if he was worried that Earth really was nothing but a radioactive heap, according to the psychologist, he wasn’t the only one. It was another thing that his subconscious had hidden away. Apparently the belief was common enough that the psychologist was supposed to report it to the civilian authorities since it was potentially a threat to the government if the talk got out of hand. There was also talk that *he* was somehow responsible for the decreased Cylon activity. Lee had told him about that, although the pleasant joking banter had the feel of a subject that Cottle and Lee had spent time discussing out they would present it. That was a point of irritation but he wasn’t angry about it. He had hardly been a paragon of mental health the last few months. It was probably going to be a few months more before people didn’t assume that a stray word or question would cause him to break down. Ironic considering just how mentally healthy he felt. Cottle and the therapist had fancy words for it, that he’d had some sort of psychological catharsis. Whatever it was, it was nice to be able to sleep at night, and not just because he could lock the door.
A hush fell over the bar as Lee and Kara Thrace entered the bar. He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t to blame for Kara’s problems either, but there was no need to make it worse by picking at her. For starters, he was already in one cast and that was unpleasant enough that he didn’t want to repeat it. More importantly, he thought as he looked away, one thing he had vowed to himself, he wasn’t going to delight in someone else’s pain. Even Kara’s. The gods knew she had never shown a moment of kindness to him, no one would question it if he responded in kind but he wasn’t going to do it. The future was different now, he believed it, but he had a suspicion that grinding Kara Thrace down as hard as he could would take them all down an even darker path.
Besides, if he knew Lee Adama at all, there wouldn’t be much tolerated. That was why he gave Dee a warning look as Lee steered Kara over to their table. He understood exactly what Lee was doing, he was staging a meeting between the two of them, a meeting that would show everyone else that things were ok, that Kara was back in the fold. Lee would bring Kara to the table, he would deal her in, and everyone would let out the breath they were holding. Unless, he realized suddenly, Dee said every ugly thought in her head. She was livid and he had to admit, he wasn’t exactly pleased at the ham handed manipulation Lee was trying to work. At some point Lee needed to accept that Dee disliked Kara and didn’t want any part of rehabilitating Kara’s image. But that was also a conversation for later. He didn’t think it would help much but he was willing to play along.
“Can we join you?” Lee asked. He held out the bottle of ambrosia, a good bottle, from before the Cylon attack. A bribe no one was willing to turn down which made it easier. In seconds, Lee and Kara were sitting at the table, and he was dealing them in. Clever, he thought again, Lee was clever about people in a lot of ways. The game continued on, quiet at first, but once it was clear that Kara wasn’t going to leap onto him or anyone else and kill them, it did, in an odd way, seem to return to normal.
At least until Dee decided to go in a different direction. “What was it like, Felix? The Cylon projection, I mean.” As everyone threw her warning looks, she glared back marvelously, and didn’t back down. “You don’t have to answer, I was just curious…. Because the admiral was so angry…”
Better, he thought as he looked at everyone carefully, to say something and let the topic rest than refuse and let everyone make up even worse horror stories. “He was angry because the Cylons made it seem like I couldn’t trust him. It was… really unpleasant. It was a mental scenario that I couldn’t break out of and everyone that I cared about betrayed me or died… which is why I was so twitchy and upset right after I was rescued. Sometimes its hard to remember that certain things didn’t actually happen. But, it *is* over and I hope you’ll be forgiving over how out of it I have been.” He didn’t realize until he finished speaking that he was unconsciously clenching the toes on his right foot.
Kara scowled a bit at his answer, but Dee didn’t catch it, and he saw that it was the right sort of answer to give to everyone. Lee knew the details of course, and so did Racetrack as she had been drafted as an official witness to his interrogation, but neither had even hinted to anyone what had happened. No one had expressly ordered him to not share the details of the projection, but he had no intention of spreading around the idea that he had led a mutiny that would have been successful if the Cylons hadn’t cheated.
The answer seemed to satisfy everyone and they returned to more casual talk. Bitching about duty, complaining about the food, complaining about their card hand. Slowly people drifted off until he realized that he was sitting alone at a table with just Kara. “One more hand?” he asked casually.
“Sure.” She took the cards, but didn’t look at them. “What did I do to you? In the projection, I mean. I think we both know I tried to murder you in the airlock.”
He wondered about her intent, but she seemed calm. No, he realized suddenly, she was worried. “Why do you want to know?”
“You put things together,” she said. She swirled her drink, her expression pensive. “Bill Adama was angry because whatever you think you did, you were probably right about it, and he didn’t see it until you made him look.” She looked him in the eyes. “I’m not exactly happy about what you found out about me, Gaeta… but I’d rather know than not know, if you get me. I need to know if my being here is dangerous. The admiral said you had your little breakdown because you were protecting us, the five of us, from him. I get that. I have people I care about. I don’t want them in danger, especially because of me.”
Not what he expected from her, he had to admit that. It made sense though. Even in the projection, he knew Kara had people she cared about, that she worried about. That made the answer easier. “We weren’t friends in the projection. You were a complete and utter bitch to me and part of what makes forgetting the projection so difficult is knowing that it really wasn’t so far off in how you’ve treated me, and I haven’t forgotten the airlock. I’d forgive it, if you ever made an effort to be forgiven, but I won’t forget it. But… in the projection… you were special. Almost magical. It was like I could never touch you, no matter how awful you were, you always had to get away because… You’re important.” Saying it, he realized it was true. He leaned back in the chair, and despite the nature of the conversation, he had to smile. “I think… I know, that Lee was offended that in the projection, he was almost an after thought. You weren’t. You were awful, and hateful, and cruel, and I could never shake the story away from the fact that you’re incredibly significant to our finding a new home.” Because she wasn’t laughing, because she was staring at him like he was throwing her a lifeline, he decided to share his one real fear left from the projection. “I think I saw one possible future, Kara. I think we were heading down that path. It could never happen exactly the way I saw it, because the Cylons were intentionally making me lose….”
“But if you could commit mutiny, any of us could.” Kara tossed back her glass of ambrosia, clearly relishing it. “Don’t look so shocked. No one told me anything. Trust me, the half Cylon pilot is not trusted with state secrets these days. No, the clues are your guilt over it, even though it didn’t happen, and the admiral being pissed about you not trusting him.” She smirked at him. “You’re not the type to leave the fleet in the hands of someone you don’t trust, Felix.”
It was true, so he nodded. She was worried about the fleet as well, he understood what she was really asking. The events of the projection weren’t real, but everything he had felt was real. Including the despair. He wondered suddenly what would have happened if someone, anyone, in the projection had tried to stop him by showing him some kindness and concern. “Kara, we didn’t get along in the projection because of what happened in the airlock. But… I could never simply get rid of you, even though I tried, because I know that you’re important to the fleet. I know it. I don’t know why or how, but I know that the day we find Earth, it will be because of you. There’s something about you that is important. I couldn’t get rid of you because we need you.” He tossed back his own drink, letting the smooth liquid warm him.
“You mean that, Gaeta?” Her tone was cold but he could tell she was intensely curious.
“Yes. Every time I tried to get rid of you or the admiral… I couldn’t.” That some of that was due to the Cylons manipulating him, he didn’t mention. They had a vested interest in making him lose the scenario, but he didn’t need to point that out to Kara Thrace, who he suspected needed to hear that she needed to stay alive.
After a long moment, she nodded. “I’ll trust you on that.” She leaned in close to him. “But you listen to me, Felix. If that ever changes, you will tell me. You got that?”
“I do.” But for safety’s sake, she wouldn’t be the first person he told. There was being kind, and then there was being stupid, and he had no intention of ever telling Kara Thrace that he thought she was a danger to the fleet without backup. He had his fair share of psychological issues left to deal with, but he liked to think sheer stupidity wasn’t one of them.
She got up and started to walk off, and then came back. Her expression darkened. “Did you mean what you said? About the airlock?”
Before he even thought about what she was asking, he nodded. “Yes.”
“Then… I’m sorry. About what happened in the airlock.” She waited, her arms crossed.
He was so stunned, for a moment he almost forgot what she was asking. Finally though, he got it. He wanted the future to change, and apparently he wasn‘t the only one. “I forgive you, Kara.”
And suddenly he wondered if it was possible that Earth wouldn’t be a radioactive husk.