OOC: LOG Peony and Jade
Who: Peony and Jade
What: Complete and utter retardation. A month after the Valentine's Ball, Peony is finally starting to feel less guilty about Mr Osbourne's death.
When: March 14th, 2009
Where: Peony's chamber
Why: Cause we can.
Warnings: none?
After tackling Jade to the ground, Peony clung tightly to him, unwilling to let go even long enough to move somewhere more comfortable. "You're home," he said, almost in disbelief. "Do I need to pinch myself, or is this really real?"
"I think you should double check." A pause, "In fact, allow me to do it for you." Jade, with his arms already wrapped around Peony's broad back, gave just behind his shoulder blade a hearty pinch.
"Ow," Peony said, wiggling in such a manner to get away from the pinching fingers while succeeding in doing exactly the opposite. "You didn't have to pinch that hard."
"Yes I did. It was one for both of us." Jade's arm snaked up so it now draped around Peony's neck. He pulled down gently, his elbow coming to rest against the bigger man's shoulder. In the meantime, Jade pressed his cheek against his best friend's, and, almost unnoticeably, pressed a little kiss against his temple. "I missed you, my friend."
"I missed you, too," Peony sighed, relaxing again. "How much longer do you think your mission is going to take?"
"I don't know, to be honest. Naturally, things are becoming more and more complicated as we push forward."
"Of course they are. And what's that squishy lump. You didn't gain weight while you were away, did you?"
"Pies. Scores of them." Jade murmured in mock pain.
"You deserve it for all the times you called me fat."
"Seeing as it's almost been thirty years, Your Majesty, a lot of karma needs to catch up with me." Jade squirmed, trying to find room to breathe.
Another minute passed by before Peony finally stood up and gave Jade the breathing room he needed. "I hope all of it doesn't catch up to you, or my arms won't fit around you any more."
Jade stood along with him, unconsciously smoothing out his military attire as he did so, "You'll have to roll me everywhere. Think of the fun!"
"That wouldn't be fun at all."
"That was sarcasm, Your Majesty." Jade reached over and tugged on his wrist, "Now come. Further into your room. We've a lot to speak about."
"It's been so long since I saw you, I forgot the tone of your voice when you're being sarcastic," Peony teased as he allowed Jade to drag him across the room.
"That's like forgetting my face. I'm hurt."
"You? Hurt? Pfft."
"I think I may just cry."
"Cry? Who are you and what have you done with the real Jade?"
"I killed him and absorbed his essence." Jade smirked, finally pulling them both over to Peony's (rappig drool covered) couch.
"You're not going to do the same to me now, are you?" Peony asked, feigning worry despite comfortably curling up on the couch with Jade.
"That depends." Jade leaned just enough to allow Peony a comfortable resting pillow. "Although, you don't look all that appetizing, to be honest."
"Lucky for me."
"That just means I won't eat you. I still haven't decided about killing you."
Peony went silent then and cuddled closer to Jade.
Jade sighed. "I told you the first thing I would do is come and see you." His fingers ran through Peony's hair once, the bead swinging like an ornate pendulum.
"I know," Peony said, relaxing as Jade stroked his hair. "Good news is I'm sleeping normal again."
"Good. You look it. Although, you're thinner than when I last saw you."
"Would you believe I've been working out?"
"Not in the slightest."
"It was worth a try."
"I suppose so." Jade flicked at the bead, watching it in motion once more, "You may start talking whenever you want."
"I don't know where to start. Let's play psychiatrist. You can ask me questions and I'll answer them."
"Have you seen her yet? In person?"
"Not since the weekend after the funeral."
Why things had to be so complicated, Jade would never understand. However, his fingertips kneaded between Peony's shoulder blades, tracing small, simple patterns. "I suppose it's only to be expected. She's busy, after all."
"So am I. I know you'll be disappointed, but there's not any of my paperwork waiting for you in your office."
"If I weren't sitting, I'd have collapsed in shock!"
"Good thing I'm here to keep you from falling off the couch." He closed his eyes and shifted to make it easier for Jade to knead his back. "I want to see her, I'm just not sure if it's still too soon. Or what pace to take things at if it isn't too soon to see her."
The motions became mindless with repetition as Jade pondered Peony's situation, "Would you like me to speak to her first?"
"Please. I've written several letters to her, but I haven't sent any of them because they all talk about what I'm not supposed to say."
"'He croaked, let's do it'?"
Peony couldn't help but laugh. "None of them were that crass. I meant the other thing."
Jade ran his fingers through Peony's hair once again. "If you truly believe it to be the right thing, then I won't stop you."
"I'm really not sure if it is. She's very intelligent though. I'm sure she's realized that through what the public has heard about the cause of death, that everything isn't on the up and up."
"Most likely." Jade conceded, "I suppose coming out to her with the truth would probably be best. Although, you understand the risks involved, right?"
Peony nodded. "I understand. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to know?"
"All right, then. I'll do that for you."
"Thank you. If she does, let her know that I'll tell her whenever she's ready to hear it."
"Of course." Jade squeezed Peony's shoulder, "Feel better?"
"A little."
"Well enough to eat?"
"Yes, well enough to eat."
"Good. Then order us food."
"The food should be here soon, unless you managed to get in here without anyone seeing you."
"Sometimes I think I love you, Your Majesty."
"Only sometimes?" he asked, pouting.
"Yes. Because then I realize it's only indigestion on my behalf." And there it was, the trademark Jade smirk.
"You should really get that looked at."
"Perhaps. And no, that's not a reason to eat my dinner for me."
"I wasn't planning on that."
"I'm just covering all my bases." With a single finger, Jade poked the center of Peony's forehead, "Who knows what your brain will come up with next."
"Hey!" Peony said, furrowing his eyebrows. "I'd be more worried about what your brain comes up with than mine."
"See, my ideas are cold and calculating. You don't have to worry about things going wrong. Yours on the other hand..."
"There's nothing wrong with my ideas."
"'Hey Jade! Go ahead and lick that pole!'"
"I knew exactly what would happen."
"You fiend."
"You rubbed off on me a bit too much." A knock sounded at the door, and Peony called for them to enter.
He really wasn't in the mood to deal with the maids once more, so Jade did his best to ignore the knock, the woman who entered, and the giggling involved. Instead, he focused on the cart which was... a lot more full than usual.
Lucky for Jade, Peony wasn't in the mood for making things difficult with the maids. "Thank you," he said as he motioned her back out of the room. "I didn't ask for all of this, not even half of it. What are they thinking?"
"Perhaps they knew you were in one of your moods?" Jade quirked an eyebrow as the maid left, moving to sit up fully.
"They think I'm going to eat like a pig just because you're back?" Peony said, looking up at Jade. The food smelled delicious and as skeptical as Peony sounded, he was also fairly sure they were right in thinking it. "The only time I've had this much food made recently is when Winry was here. She really loves seafood."
"Well of course, our daughter must have good taste." Jade smirked, eyeing the food before them as well. Far be it from him to scarf like a rappig, but after a stressful month, he didn't mind treating himself to a plethora of favorite foods the two of them shared.
"She definitely takes after you with her seafood tastes." Peony wasn't sure where to start, there were so many choices. After a moment of deliberation, he went straight for the waffles, piled high with strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream. He wanted to ensure he had the room for them.
"Salmon, then?" As if on cue, Jade lifted the cover to a particularly aromatic salmon dish. He swallowed back a soft moan of content, the action also taking care of an onslaught of saliva. Definitely worth the month of stress.
"Yes, she loved it," he said before stuffing his mouth with a huge bite of sugary, waffle-y goodness, a moan escaping as he chewed. He hadn't been this excited about eating since Valentine's day.
"Manners, Your Majesty."
"You're not polite company. I don't have to mind them."
"In that case..." Jade pointedly reached over with a fork and speared a few strawberries off Peony's plate, "I'll be sure to live up to that."
"You don't need to go out of your way." Peony reached over and grabbed a big bite of salmon with his fork in retaliation.
"Oh no no no, I insist." With his other hand, Jade grabbed Peony's fork, "And I'll also have to ask you put the fish back down, Your Majesty. I'm a man on the edge. You don't know what I'll do."
"You never let me eat any salmon when we have it. Not even what's on my own plate." Peony pouted and reached for his fork.
"Because it's terrible. I'm saving you from a grisly culinary fate."
"No you're not."
With a soft chuckle, Jade allowed Peony a small gateway to 'stealing' his food. The emperor needed it, after all. He disguised it as popping the strawberries into his own mouth, taking care to savor the sweet and tangy juice. Jade never really cared for sweets, even as a child, but he allowed the not so subtle flavors to mix along his tongue.
Peony triumphantly popped the bite of salmon into his mouth and once he'd swallowed it, he petulantly stuck his tongue out at Jade.
In a blur, Jade reached out with the very same hand that had mock chided Peony before, and grabbed the man's tongue with the very tips of his fingers. "Honestly, Your Majesty? Honestly?"
"Apple," he said, though with Jade pinching his tongue it came out more like "Asshole," but that was Peony's intention.
"Mmm?" PINCH.
Peony grabbed Jade's earlobe and tugged hard.
This, of course, meant war. Jade retaliated with a harsh tug of his own, digging his fingernails into the soft muscle as he did so.
"I'm not going to be able to eat if you don't let go," Peony said, though it came out a bit garbled sounding.
"Let go of my ear."
"You first."
"No. You."
Peony reluctantly let go, but held his fork in a threatening manner to Jade's hand. "Now let go."
Smirk never leaving his face, Jade released Peony's tongue, using a napkin to wipe off his gloves. Which, in turn, reminded him: He really needed to get rid of that stiff clothing. "Pardon me for a moment." Jade stood and slipped off his gloves, before working on the military uniform's outer coat, leaving him in his black undershirt. Folding everything neatly and placing the uniform on a (relatively) clean table, he worked on his boots next. He knew he'd be staying the night here, and wearing anything but comfortable clothing wouldn't be wise in the slightest.
While Jade stripped down, Peony ate more of his waffles. "There's some pyjama pants in the drawer over there if you want to lose those uniform pants, too," he said between bites.
"Trying to get a peep show, Your Majesty?"
"It's not anything I haven't seen before."
"Right, right." Jade took Peony's offer, padding over to the drawer, pulling out said pants, and proceeding to change into them.
"Much better, isn't it?" Peony laughed. He finished his waffles and looked for something else to eat, surprised at how hungry he still was.
"I feel free as a bird, Your Majesty." Jade's voice dropped to a monotone. as he pulled on the pajama pants, trying to ignore the obligatory rappig pattern, "Honestly, how many of these do you have?"
"Someone buys me a new pair every Christmas and birthday," Peony said with a shrug.
"...I'll have to stop myself next time."
"No, no, please continue. I almost have enough to last an entire month without wearing the same ones twice."
"No no. Since we're getting older, I figured I should start giving you different birthday presents. How does a set of false teeth sound?"
"I don't need false teeth."
"If you continue eating sweets like that, you will."
"I brush my teeth," Peony said, crossing his arms.
"So you've finally learned how?"
He picked up a piece of fruit from the tray and chucked it at Jade.
Chuckling, Jade turned his shoulder to it, batting feebly, "Oh no! I've been hit!" With that, he fell to the floor, rolling onto his back. He ignored the immediate onslaught of snouts and grunting as the rappigs came to investigate.
"Man down! Man down!" Peony said laughing. "You going to need help getting up?"
"I don't know. My hips are feeling particularly brittle today!"
"Serves you right for saying I need false teeth." Peony got up from the couch and stood with his feet to either side of Jade's legs. He offered his hands to help Jade up, though chances were, just the opposite was going to happen.
"You don't honestly expect me to reach."
"I know your arms are long enough."
Jade reached up half way, feigning weakness. "I'm not strong enough..."
Peony leaned in a little closer, catching Jade's hands in his.
"Are you sure you'll be able to lift me? From what I understand, you haven't been doing much movement as of late. And your arm flab seems to have doubled."
"I can do it," Peony said, tugging Jade upwards.
Jade pulled back with just enough strength to balance out Peony's yanking, "Are you sure?"
"Positive, but it doesn't matter if you aren't going to let me."
"Tell Gelda to stop nibbling at my hair, and perhaps I'll consider it."
"She's just being affectionate."
"She's giving me an unwanted haircut."
"She only eats the split ends."
"Good luck to her, then. I don't have any."
"You must if she's nibbling." Peony tugged again.
"She's delusional." Jade, being difficult as usual, tugged back.
"So are you."
Jade gave a hard yank.
Despite expecting it, Peony was unable to resist and was fell forward, using Jade to cushion his fall.
"Oof!" Jade wasn't expecting that, and just barely managed to catch the larger man. Squealing filled the room as Gelda scampered away. "At least you scared her off."
"But drew someone else's attention," Peony said, noting a runny nosed rappig edging closer.
"...No."
"He won't hurt you. It's not his fault his nose runs."
"That's what I'm worried abo-" and there it was. A slopping 'kiss' from Saphir right against Jade's cheek.
"Awwww, he loves you." Peony said, and gave Jade an equally sloppy kiss on the other cheek.
"Stop it. I hate you both." Jade grumbled. The rappig seemed to take Peony's cue, and, grunting and sniveling, continued to dig into Jade's cheek with his soft, powerful nose.
"We just missed you is all," Peony said, though he ceased his rappig style kisses.
"'We' or 'I'?"
"We." He paused for a minute before reluctantly adding, "I."
Jade reached up and grasped the top of Peony's biceps, just beneath his shoulders. He pulled down again, just a bit more gentle this time.
"What?" he asked. "You're not trying to feel my arm flab again are you?"
"I don't need to. I can see it even through your clothes."
"No you can't because I don't have any."
Jade pressed a digit into the side of Peony's arm. "I beg to differ."
Peony squirmed.
Sighing, Jade patted Peony's head. "So. About your missing me."
"That's normal. I always miss you when you're away."
"It seemed worse this time."
"Oh. Well."
Jade arched his eyebrows, "You wanted to speak about more, didn't you?"
"You wouldn't have let me stew around like I have been."
"Well. I'm here now, if you'd like to let more out."
"If I didn't love her, he wouldn't have died like that. Even if Sync acted on his own, he wouldn't have done it if--"
Jade placed a finger to Peony's lips, as if a lover cajoling another. Then, with the same hand, he wound his arm back... and reamed Peony fully in the cheek.
Peony rolled over, his hand covering his face where Jade had just punched him. "The maids are going to be talking about domestic abuse," he said, trying to make a joke and lighten things up.
"Had you said anything more, the entire country would erupt in chaos."
"What?"
"I would have killed you."
"I could have used that punch two weeks ago." Peony sighed and curled up against Jade again.
"I'll work on inventing a way to physically harm someone over the internet." Jade sighed and scratched the side of Peony's head, right beside the temple.
"It didn't help any that you were able to go see Winry so many times," Peony said, but before Jade could say anything in return he added, "I know traveling between fandoms is a lot different than traveling in ours. It's faster."
"You're right. It's a lot different." Jade stopped scratching, turning his head to face Peony, "You know that you're my first priority."
"After saving the world."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No, if you don't save the world, there's no me or you left. Or anyone else."
"All right, then."
"I don't know what I want any more."
"Are you spiraling into a deep dark chasm of nothingness? And shall I play that whiny teenage music?"
"No, I'm not spiraling anywhere."
"All right." A few moments passed before he exhaled. Taking out frustration on Peony wasn't going to help, "...Speak. You need to talk about it."
"Even though you just said you would find out of Nephry wants to know, I don't want her knowing it was Sync. I don't want her hating him, or getting mad at me for still caring about him despite everything."
"You're asking for a lot, Peony. Of course she's going to dislike the boy who killed her husband. She may understand your pity, but she'll need time."
"It's not pity, Jade. I know it's a lot. Maybe I should just keep it from her, then I won't have to worry about that. See what I mean? I don't know what I want."
"Peony. I'm going to ask you a question. And you're going to tell me the first thing that comes to mind."
"Okay..." he said, loooking Jade in the eyes.
"Do you believe that telling Nephry the truth will make her happy?"
"No."
"There's your answer."
"But--"
"Sync is going to confess himself."
"He is?"
Jade gave a sneaky, wry smile.
"When did he tell you this?"
"He didn't."
"Then..." Peony looked confused.
"I'm going to have him confess, Your Majesty."
"Oh. When?"
"Knowing Sync, next time we're on the surface, he'll attack. I'll do what I can then."
Peony nodded, "Is there anything else you want to try and weasel out of me, or can we go finish our food before it gets cold?"
"Tell me I'm pretty."
"You're pretty. Now let's eat."
"I love you, too." Jade easily got to his feet in one fluid motion, striding immediately to the trays.
Peony followed a few steps behind, curling up next to Jade on the couch, not yet content with the amount of snuggle time he'd had with his best friend. He closed his eyes and blindly stabbed his fork into the general direction of the food, deciding to surprise himself with what he'd eat next.
Jade nudged the fork in a wayward direction, far off mark from any food, and pointing straight to Saphir, "Ah."
Peony opened his eyes and shot Jade a reprimanding look. "Not funny."
"Ah, ah, ah... I'll go ahead and carve him up. Would you like to say your final farewells?"
"Jade," Peony said, the glare on his face echoed in the tone of his voice. "I won't eat rappigs."
"But he's allowed to try and eat me? Well! I see where your priorities lie!"
"He wasn't trying to eat you any more than I was trying to eat you." He turned his fork on Jade and smirked.
"That's not exactly comforting, Your Majesty."
"Don't worry, I 'd much rather have you as a friend than a meal."
"And apparently as your own personal pillow." Jade placed a hand on Peony's shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
"You like using me as a blanket, don't lie."
"You're certainly warm enough. However, you're also squishy enough to be a fine pillow. Perhaps you should let me sleep on you every once in a while."
"I think I can settle for that."
"Good. You just volunteered."
"That means I get to listen while you tell me what's on your mind." Peony turned his fork back toward the food and speared a piece of broccoli.
"Other than eating your sniffling rappig?" Jade retorted, working on his fish.
"Yes. I already know you don't like rappig meat."
"You know me too well." Jade sighed, setting down his fork. "Well then, what do you want to know?"
"Whatever is on your mind. I'm not as good at reading yours as you are mine."
"There isn't much to speak of. Other than suddenly becoming a surrogate father."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Other than wanting to hang myself?"
"Yes, other than that."
There was a long pause before Jade spoke again, "...In all honesty, I'm not sure."
"Do you want to stop being her surrogate father?"
"Not particularly. However, I'll remind you that it's not only Winry. Arche is amongst the ranks, Cheza, I'm sure if she held the concept, would feel the same way. Anise, and even Luke-- despite the fact that I nearly vomited at the thought."
"Ah, should I start calling them The Jadey Bunch?"
"If you do, you'll be short at least five rappigs."
Peony frowned, "I was only kidding."
"I wasn't. <3"
"I know."
Jade shrugged, "Oh well. I suppose an old man will cling to anything."
"You're not old yet. That doesn't come for another 15 years."
"You're only saying that because you're only a year younger than I."
"That has nothing to do with it."
"I've an old soul." Jade waved a hand, as if to dismiss the topic.
Peony wrapped his arms around Jade and pulled him closer. "I don't think old souls act like you."
Despite himself, Jade leaned against Peony and into the hug, enjoying the touch far more than he'd ever admit (although he knew Peony could tell). "I think they do. Why else would I have such a craving for applesauce?"
"Infants love applesauce."
Jade craned his neck back so he could gaze up into Peony's face, "...I don't think infants have developed a sense of sarcasm just yet."
"You're like Stewie from the family guy."
"...I'm blocking all television streaming sites."
"Not my Huluuuuuuuuuu!"
"Consider it dead."
"So cruel."
"The cruelty of a child?"
"Shut up."
Jade chuckled again, a sound coming from deep within his throat, "Now I know what scares you nearly as much as losing your rappigs."
"What would that be?"
"Destroying Hulu."
"There's other things higher on the list than that."
"I can't possibly fathom what." However, even as the words just began to leave his mouth, Jade brought up a hand to rest on one of Peony's.
"Probably better that you can't," he said, squeezing Jade's hand.
"I suppose I'll just stick to destroying Hulu, then."
"What's wrong with Hulu?"
"It's distracting you from the important things in life."
"It was giving me something to laugh at while you were away."
"I demand that you remain absolutely miserable during those times." Jade squeezed Peony's hand harder.
"Trust me, I was."
Ouch. Jade moved his head so it rested just beneath Peony's jaw, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty."
"Thanks, Jade." He rested his chin on Jade's head and closed his eyes. "Did I do a good job acting like everything was normal?"
"You nearly had even me fooled." Jade's response was sincere, and he pushed his fingers so they could intertwine with Peony's-- a sign that even the Great Jade Curtiss had been worried for His Majesty. "Which of course only proved the direness of your situation."
Peony sighed, "Do you think everyone noticed, or was it only you who would pick up on it?"
"Only me."
"Good."
"Perhaps one or two of the maids picked up on it as well, now that I think about it." Jade motioned to the piles of yet to be eaten food.
"I haven't been ordering food as frequently as I used to. It would have been a shock if they hadn't noticed."
"See? They love you for more than voyeur fodder."
"Of course."
"Now if only you can train them to obey simple commands like 'sit' and 'stay'."
"You mean to keep them from following after you?"
"One can dream."
"Not going to happen."
Jade relaxed his entire body so it slumped completely against Peony, "My hopes... you've shattered them, Your Majesty."
"You shatter mine every day."
"It's called reality, Your Majesty."
"I'll never be anything more than a surrogate uncle at this rate."
"Surrogate isn't all too bad. They're technically not yours, so you can spoil them all you want, and not have to deal with the consequences."
"I'd be the uncle anyways, that would still be the case."
Jade immediately thought about the future that Sync had revealed to him-- where he apparently had a daughter of his own. He had to suppress an involuntary shudder at not only the thought of marriage and reproducing, but having Peony of all people in charge of spoiling said child.
"What are you thinking right now?" Peony asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"You're always thinking something."
"...Do you remember the older Sync?"
"Yeah, I remember him."
"He told me a couple of things."
"Like what?"
Jade chewed on the inside of his lip, knowing full well that what he was about to utter next would give Peony bragging rights from this moment on, until the two of them lay snug in their graves, "...I'm apparently doomed to have a child of my own."
"Really?" Peony grinned and squeezed Jade tight. "I'm going to be a real uncle one of these days!"
"Yes. Joy." Jade's voice was strained as Peony nearly squished the life out of him.
"Are you telling me that's your future child's name, or the emotion you're feeling right now?"
"If I name her 'Joy', I want you to kill me. Slowly and painfully."
"But it's a pretty name."
"Kill. Me."
Peony laughed. "Will you settle for a punch to the face?"
"No. I never take anything half way-- you should know this."
"Then you better not name her Joy. I don't want to have to kill my best friend."
"Trust me, I won't. Cosmos be damned."
"Did he say anything about my having any children?"
"I was lucky to get him to reveal as much as he did." Jade squeezed Peony's hand yet again in comfort.
"I'll have to be content then with the news that you're going to be a father."
"That makes one of us."
"You'll change your mind when the time comes."
"You sound so sure."
"One of us has to."
"Trust me, Your Majesty, if I'm doomed to have a family complete with a white picket fence, you're sure to have one yourself."
"If it's with Nephry, I more than welcome it."
Jade let his body slink down further, so the back of his head now lay against Peony's chest. "I doubt any other woman would be able to handle you."
"I'm sure there's someone out there. I mean, if you're going to find someone who can handle you, they have to be able to handle me, too," Peony teased.
"Perhaps I got her drunk out of desperation."
"You? Desperate?" Peony laughed. "You know I always help out with my maids before you can get to that point."
"...That's not help."
"As much as you act like it's the worst thing in the world, you seem to be in a better mood the next day."
"Primal instinct."
"Is that what that is?"
Jade shrugged.
"I wonder if the future Mrs Curtiss is going to be someone you find on your own or if-"
Before Peony could finish his sentence, Jade covered his mouth with his free hand.
Peony licked Jade's hand in an attempt to have the freedom to finish saying what he wanted.
In retaliation, Jade pinched Peony's nose, saliva covered palm, and all. "You're disgusting."
A mumbled sound came out and then Peony went silent, hoping that would get Jade to move his hand and let go of his nose.
It did, and Jade pointedly wiped the palm of his hand against his pajama pants.
"I was going to say 'Or if she finds you,' but you had to interrupt me."
"I'm going to stay with the drunk theory, if that pleases you, Your Majesty."
"I suppose I don't have much choice for now, do I?"
Jade sighed, leaning his head further into Peony's chest. "...I do appreciate your efforts."
"Which efforts are we talking about?" Peony ran his fingers idly through Jade's hair.
"The maids."
"You know by saying that it'll only encourage me."
"Considering my increased absence, sending a maid after me everywhere I go will be rather hard."
"That would be very silly of me," Peony said. "I'd be short a maid if I did that."
"Short one maid forever."
"It wouldn't be so bad if the reason for the shortage involved a Mrs. Curtiss."
"Cannibalism isn't the same as marriage."
Peony sighed dramatically. "How many times do I have to tell you, that's not what I mean by eating?"
Despite how crude the comment was, Jade found himself laughing.
"There we go," Peony said, also laughing. He gave Jade a squeeze. "I've missed you."
"I missed you, too." Jade let the (albeit out of place) smile linger on his face, "If anything, and seeing as we've managed to have a daughter already, perhaps we should just marry each other. All of our problems would be solved."
"Not all of them. There's that whole issue of sex. I wouldn't be able to have any ever again if I married you."
"You could always wear a blindfold."
"That's really not going to help, Jade."
"You'd imagine my beautiful face anyway?"
"Of course. I also would notice the difference between sex with another man and sex with a woman."
Jade arched an eyebrow, "Are you saying you've had the chance to compare the two experiences?"
"No, I haven't, but I'm positive I'd notice the difference."
"Right, right." Jade huffed, "It's terrible when you take me seriously."
"I'm sorry. Should I promise to run away with you and marry you now?"
"We leave tonight."
"We can get Guy to babysit the rappigs."
"Nay. We'll take the rappigs with us."
"They can be our groomsmen and bridesmaids."
"Saphir can be the banquet."
"We are not eating Saphir!"
Jade did his best to laugh both evilly, and quietly at the same time, as the rappig in question raised his head, sniffling in fear-- as if he understood.
"You've upset him, and now he's going to sniffle five times as much as usual," Peony said in a reprimanding tone.
"As long as he wipes his nose on you this time."
"I was more worried about the floor."
"As if you clean it yourself."
"I don't want to step in it."
"Have you considered having his nose removed?"
"I've given it as much thought as I have to having your nose removed. Which is none."
He was on a roll! Jade continued to hound Peony, teasing his friend in order to make up for months of absence, "I'll be more than happy to do it for you. I've a surgeon's touch, after all."
"Practice on yourself first."
"I'll practice on myself second. You can be first."
"I like my nose."
"It's a bit stubby."
"Then there's no reason to remove it."
"Perhaps I can make it longer? I'll borrow some of Saphir's nose."
"Then my nose will be running all over you."
"That's when I remove it."
"You fiend!" Peony said, trying his best to hide his laughter.
"There's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"I can have you locked away for life."
"But you won't." To make his point clearer, Jade snuggled in closer, turning just a bit on his side.
"I didn't say where you'd be locked away." Peony grinned.
"Oh my...! Your Majesty!"
"Even if it were the dungeon, I'd visit you every day."
"And bring me my meals?"
"Of course. Unless you start getting fat. Then I might have to put you on a diet."
"Or you can install a running wheel."
"Brilliant idea. Would you like a hamster ball, too, so you can go outside?"
"Would I!"
Peony laughed and shook his head. He'd missed this too much.
Whenever Peony laughed, it was infectious-- a sound that nobody could help but chime in with. Jade was no different, and knowing that he'd been the one to gently nudge Peony into such mirth only made it better. His shoulders shook, and he had to nuzzle half his face into Peony's chest to control it.
"I'm sorry, imagining you in a hamster ball, rolling around in front of the palace is about the funniest thing I can think of right now." Peony's stomach was starting to ache from laughing so hard.
To add to it, Jade mustered his strength to suppress his own chuckles, just long enough to rapidly click his tongue against the roof of his mouth-- not unlike a rodent.
This sent Peony into an even greater fit of laughter and within moments he'd managed to roll them both off of the couch and onto the floor. "Jade, stop it."
"No." Was all Jade could breathe.
"Fine," Peony wheezed, holding his stomach as he continued to laugh.
In the meantime, Jade did his best to wriggle free of the mess of limbs that he and Peony had magically become.
In the process of detangling, Peony rolled away, bumping into the cart of food and knocking it over.
This didn't stop him from laughing. In fact, it increased his laughing.
But not Jade's-- considering the fish he'd been picking at and savoring decided to land right on his head, "...Wonderful."
Peony glanced over at Jade and managed to say between laughs, "I'll have them send up a fresh one for you."
"Don't bother, I doubt we've anymore room."
Carefully moving over the mess on the floor, Peony took the plate off Jade's head and helped him pick the salmon out of his hair. "You sure? I think I might have burned off everything I ate from all that laughing."
"Impossible. You've a lot more to burn." Jade teased, letting Peony pull out stray bits of food. He otherwise preoccupied himself with watching the rappigs investigate the spills-- and running off with what they could.
"Are you offering to help me burn it off?" Peony teased. He popped a piece of salmon into Jade's mouth when he opened it to speak. "Don't worry, that piece wasn't touching your hair. <3"
Jade chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and then smiled, "Only if that means I can set you on fire, Your Majesty."
"Are we talking literally or metaphorically?"
Jade only smiled.
Peony frowned, though it was obviously a farce as the smile hadn't quite left his eyes.
"You've enough fat to burn quite nicely."
"I'm not fat, Jade. I just like loose clothing."
"Tell that to your stomach and arms."
Peony lifted up his shirt. "I don't see any fat."
Jade took this opportunity and, with the speed and precision of a professional, gave Peony a mighty raspberry on his stomach.
"And you were calling me gross," Peony laughed, tugging his shirt back down.
"Because you are." Jade murmured, resting his head on Peony's abdomen when he finished fixing his shirt, "Absolutely disgusting."
"You're disgusting, too."
"I caught it from you." Jade lazily gazed upward.
"Did you?"
"Mmm." Jade shut his eyes, before snapping them open once more, "...I smell like fish thanks to you."
"You can go take a bath if you want. I promise to keep the maids away."
"You mean you won't join me?"
"I haven't shared a bath with you since we were ten. I don't plan to change that any time soon, either."
Jade snorted, "Do you remember the time I convinced you the rubber ducks were alive?"
"How could I forget. I spent the next month avoiding the bathtub at all costs," Peony laughed.
Jade chuckled, spurred by the vibrations from Peony's stomach as the other man laughed.
"I can't remember how I smelled by time I took my next bath, but I'd have to guess it was awful."
"Nephry and I would spray you in your sleep."
"Spray me?"
"Air freshener."
"I'm surprised you didn't just dump water on me."
"We tried once-- your caretakers wouldn't let us up the stairs with the bucket."
"I guess they didn't want to have to clean up the mess afterward."
"Most likely. Although I'm surprised you didn't notice us spraying you."
"You know I've always been a sound sleeper."
"If you're not careful, someone may assassinate you in your sleep. Make sure you train the rappigs to defend you."
"They're already highly trained. Why do you think I have them?"
"Emergency rations?"
Peony lightly smacked Jade. "No, they are not emergency rations!"
"But they're so round. You could get a week's worth of food apiece!"
"I'd rather starve."
"Hmm... judging by how they devoured our leftovers, they'd probably eat you first. Alive, most likely."
"They'd eat you first. For all the times you threatened to eat them. "
"No, you see, they'd cower in fear because I've no inhibitions in eating them."
"Only Saphir would cower."
"I'd just have to make an example out of him."
"You scoundrel."
"You flatter me."
"I'm only getting started."
"Tell me more~ Your Majesty. Talk dirty, even."
"I can't, there are young ears present."
"If you're sure," Jade sighed in mock dejection, scooting up so he could be more comfortable.
"I'll tell you later after the children are nestled in bed." Peony draped his arm across Jade's chest. "Do I really make that comfortable a pillow?"
"That works for me. And yes." Jade wriggled his arms underneath Peony, so he could hug him close, "Very much so. I get tired just laying down on you." His ear lay over Peony's heart, and he subconsciously let the steady beats lull him somewhat.
"You're not going to fall asleep here on the floor, are you?"
"Unless you carry me, I refuse to move."
"That's too much effort," Peony said with a yawn. "But it's no fair that you get a pillow and I don't."
"Shall we move to the bed, then?"
"That was what I was aiming for."
"Lazy. All right." Jade sat back, hesitating at first.
Peony raised an eyebrow, "I promise you can continue using me as a pillow once we get into the bed."
"Don't break it... I don't think my heart can handle it."
"I'll pinky swear on it if you want me to."
"You'll cross your toes."
"I'm not you."
"You're just not sneaky enough."
"I could be sneakier if I wanted to."
"Ah. But the question is, do you want to?"
"Tonight? No." Peony sat up and after a moment's hesitation stood up, holding his hands out for Jade to do the same.
Jade gazed up and smiled before clasping his hands in Peony's, gripping them tightly before hoisting himself to his feet. "Lead the way. I doubt I can find a path through this mess by myself."
Peony had been lounging his his pjs all day and carefully stepped over and around the mess with practiced ease, even though some of the mess was new. "You could if you had to."
"I'm afraid some wild animal will come and devour me if I tried by myself, Your Majesty." Nevertheless, Jade followed gracefully in Peony's footsteps, taking care not to step in any food.
"Well, there are quite a few around."
Jade felt a gentle nip at his ankle, "...Gelda has attacked."
"Did she draw blood?"
"No. Although I think I may have accidentally stepped on one of her toys."
"Then you deserved it."
"She's lucky if I don't kick it across the ro-ouch!"
Peony laughed.
"Don't laugh. Control your animals, Your Majesty."
"Gelda," Peony said in a reprimanding tone. "Jade didn't hurt your toy. Play nice."
There was an uppity huff as the rappig in question nudged Jade once and trotted away. Jade's eyebrows shot up, "They're particularly violent today. Was there anything in the food?"
"No, but they haven't seen you since the last time I saw you and you didn't have a single kind word for them. Rappigs have feelings, too."
Jade sighed, gazing across the room to the throng of animals. They seemed to turn their noses away, and, although Jade doubted they'd any true sentiency, he had to admit it was uncanny timing, "Shall I apologize to them, then?"
"You should, or they might do foul things to you in your sleep."
Rolling his eyes and lowered himself so he crouched close to the floor, hand extended as he called over to the rappigs.
The rappigs knew that signal and moved as quickly as their round bodies would allow them to, skidding to a stop right in front of Jade. Peony did his best to hide his laugh. "Now apologize to them and make it sincere. They'll know if you're lying."
Jade shot a quick glare at him before turning back to the group, forcing a smile. "I'm sorry."
The rappigs backed away, then a moment later they charged him all at once, their snouts snuffling along Jade's arms and squealing in a manner that Peony interpreted as happily. "Looks like they accept."
As Jade hit the floor with an 'Oof!', he shot another glare at Peony, although it was ruined as rappig snouts nuzzled and dug into his cheeks.
Peony laughed and grinned as he watched. "It took several months, but they finally learned that trick I've been trying to teach them."
"...You son of a-" Jade's voice died as a rappig decided to give him a true kiss.
"That... was not part of the trick."
"..."
"I'm not sure where Aslan learned that one."
"...It was Saphir." Jade refused to mention that the only reason he knew, was because the rappig's snout had made it inside his open mouth. While Saphir was sniffling.
"Was it? Hmmm, The only way to tell those two apart is their snouts."
Jade coughed.
"I'm terribly sorry," Peony said, managing a straight face long enough to speak before bursting into laughter.
"I hate you, Your Majesty."
"I had no clue he'd do that. I'd offer to make it better, but I'm afraid that would only make it worse," he teased.
"I'm going to eat him."
"So cruel."
Jade opened his mouth wide, and, using the angle to his advantage, made it look like he was gnawing on Saphir's head.
"Be careful or he might take that as in invitation to make out with you again."
"I see they've learned how to be bona fide perverts from you." Jade muttered as he stood, giving Nephry a small scratch behind her ear before rising to his full height.
"I'm not a pervert, I just enjoy the female form," Peony said, laying down on his bed.
"There's artistic enjoyment, and there's voyeuristic. Guess which category you fall under, sir." Jade retorted as he laid down next to him.
"Somewhere in between?"
"...I suppose I can agree with that." Jade rolled onto his side, so he could face Peony better.
"Meanwhile, I can only imagine where on that spectrum you really are."
"The world will never know, Your Majesty."
"The world might not, but someone will, unless you plan to keep that part hidden away from the mother of your future child."
Jade winced, as if the words had been a physical blow. He even went as far as to curl up on his side.
Peony sighed and wrapped his arms around Jade, pulling him closer. "It'll be fine, Jade."
"You say that now, but I'm sure ten years from now, when you're paying for my daughter's psychologist bill..."
"I've been saving up for that very thing."
"Really now?"
"No, not really. At least not the psychologist bill aspect of it."
"Ah. Then for what?"
"Just a little something for once they become adults."
"Now you've piqued my curiosity. Tell me."
"I haven't decided what yet."
Jade gave a curt laugh, "Liar." However, he dropped the subject, choosing to instead rest his forehead against Peony's chest, "I suppose we'll have to wait and see."
"I guess so," Peony grinned. "The sooner it happens, the sooner you'll know."
"Don't try and rush me. I'd like to put this off as long as humanly possible."
"I'm not rushing you, just giving you a gentle reminder." Peony played with a strand of Jade's hair. "If I wanted to rush you, I'd marry you off to the next maid that walks into my room. But considering who is on duty tonight... well, I'm not that cruel."
"...Is she the latest one I've had the pleasure of meeting?" Jade groaned, letting Peony play around with his hair.
"No, you haven't met her yet. She's a new hire, and a lapse in my better judgment. She works hard, but..." he trailed off as the maid in question walked into the room. "Speak of the devil." He forced a grin as the maid walked in. "You might want to leave that mess for one of the other maids."
Jade forced a smile of his own as he watched her bow respectfully and then leave. Through clenched teeth, he warned, "I swear, Your Majesty, if you set her on me..."
"I promise, I won't. But see what happens when you leave me to stew in my guilt and misery alone?"
"I'll make a replica of myself for you to use as a living doll."
"It wouldn't be the same, and you know it."
There was that short bark of a fake laugh once more, "Better than anyone, I suppose." He let an arm creep around Peony's side, "Don't let your guilt get the better of you. And I don't mean in terms of who you employ."
"I know," Peony sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do about that maid though."
"Let her stay. She's a hard worker, after all."
"I wouldn't fire anyone who is pulling their own weight."
"Well then, I don't see what the problem is."
"I'll either have to change all the maids uniforms, or give her a special one that's more flattering to her body type. I'm afriad the uniform is going to split every time she starts to bend over."
"Have them all dress as giant pillows."
"I couldn't do that to them."
"They'd do anything for you, Your Majesty."
"I know they would."
"Well then?"
"I'd be too tempted to make a pillow fort out of them."
"...That can be interpreted in so many ways, Your Majesty." Jade grinned.
"I'm aware," Peony laughed.
Jade wriggled closer, his ear now laying over Peony's chest as his laughter faded, his hearing preoccupied with the rhythmic beating of the emperor's heart. "I missed your vulgarity the most."
"What a funny thing to miss."
"You think I actually care about you, Your Majesty? I just stay around for your jokes and your body."
"Well, I know this body is hard to resist~" Peony teased.
"I'm envious almost."
"You don't just get this body by sitting around, you know."
"Oh! Of course not! You can only get arm flab of this quality by laying around."
Peony pouted, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't have any flab. I bet I can still beat you in hand to hand combat."
Jade really didn't have a response to that-- out of the two, Peony was physically stronger, and he was an accomplished martial artist. "Perhaps."
"Not tonight," Peony said, yawning, "but we should see. If I beat you, you have to stop calling me fat."
"You're a bully." Jade mock whined, snuggling ever closer.
"A bully? No more than you are."
"Worse, even."
"How am I a worse bully than you?"
"You're ten times scarier than I. At least."
"I'm not scary."
"You're terrifying."
"Name one terrifying thing I've done. And hooking you up with maids does not count."
"Your room."
"A little mess doesn't make it terrifying."
"It's not the mess so much as what it could hide."
"You have an overactive imagination."
"I don't need to imagine."
"Have you been snooping?"
"Possibly."
"What have you found?"
"Monstrosities so terrible, the very descriptions are held back in fear."
"So terrible that even I can't hear them?"
"Precisely."
"O-oh my." Peony wrapped his arms tight around Jade. "I'm afriad to sleep just thinking that there might be something monstrous lurking in this room."
"Crushing me to death won't help. Unless you intend to use me as a sacrifice."
"I wasn't trying to crush you."
"A likely story. I'm going to have to keep tabs on you."
"It should be easy with me right here."
"Ah. And when I leave?"
"Haven't figured that out yet."
"You've only a few days to. So think quick."
"I'll come up with something."
"Very well, then." Jade settled himself closer against Peony, relaxing his body. "Anything else I should know about?"
"I've had this odd itching sensa-" Peony laughed, "No, nothing that I can think of."
"All right, then." Jade smiled, this time sincerely. "Good."
Peony yawned, "Good night, Nephry. Good night, Saphir. Good night, Aslan. Good night, Luke. Good night, Gelda. Good night, cute Jade. Good night, not-cute Jade."
"You forgot the moon."
"Good night, moon," Peony added as he closed his eyes.
Jade chuckled, "Good night, Peony."
"Don't let the bed bugs bite."
Smirking, Jade chomped down hard on Peony's shoulder.
"Ow!" Peony smacked Jade's arm. "Just because I was asking for it didn't mean you had to give."
"I'm a generous person, Your Majesty."
"Of course."
Jade sighed, resting his head once more, and pulling the blankets over both of them, "Anything else?"
"You don't want to know."
"Do I not want to know, or do you not want to tell me?"
"The former."
"Whatever you command, Your Majesty."
"I apologize in advance."
"..."
"Sweet dreams."
"I'm sure. Just watch your own 'sweet dreams', Your Majesty."
"That's what the apology was for."
".....Good night, Peony."
"Night~ <3"
Jade finally shut his eyes, concentrating once more on the beating of his best friend's heart. And praying that he wouldn't be subject to any rude awakenings.
What: Complete and utter retardation. A month after the Valentine's Ball, Peony is finally starting to feel less guilty about Mr Osbourne's death.
When: March 14th, 2009
Where: Peony's chamber
Why: Cause we can.
Warnings: none?
After tackling Jade to the ground, Peony clung tightly to him, unwilling to let go even long enough to move somewhere more comfortable. "You're home," he said, almost in disbelief. "Do I need to pinch myself, or is this really real?"
"I think you should double check." A pause, "In fact, allow me to do it for you." Jade, with his arms already wrapped around Peony's broad back, gave just behind his shoulder blade a hearty pinch.
"Ow," Peony said, wiggling in such a manner to get away from the pinching fingers while succeeding in doing exactly the opposite. "You didn't have to pinch that hard."
"Yes I did. It was one for both of us." Jade's arm snaked up so it now draped around Peony's neck. He pulled down gently, his elbow coming to rest against the bigger man's shoulder. In the meantime, Jade pressed his cheek against his best friend's, and, almost unnoticeably, pressed a little kiss against his temple. "I missed you, my friend."
"I missed you, too," Peony sighed, relaxing again. "How much longer do you think your mission is going to take?"
"I don't know, to be honest. Naturally, things are becoming more and more complicated as we push forward."
"Of course they are. And what's that squishy lump. You didn't gain weight while you were away, did you?"
"Pies. Scores of them." Jade murmured in mock pain.
"You deserve it for all the times you called me fat."
"Seeing as it's almost been thirty years, Your Majesty, a lot of karma needs to catch up with me." Jade squirmed, trying to find room to breathe.
Another minute passed by before Peony finally stood up and gave Jade the breathing room he needed. "I hope all of it doesn't catch up to you, or my arms won't fit around you any more."
Jade stood along with him, unconsciously smoothing out his military attire as he did so, "You'll have to roll me everywhere. Think of the fun!"
"That wouldn't be fun at all."
"That was sarcasm, Your Majesty." Jade reached over and tugged on his wrist, "Now come. Further into your room. We've a lot to speak about."
"It's been so long since I saw you, I forgot the tone of your voice when you're being sarcastic," Peony teased as he allowed Jade to drag him across the room.
"That's like forgetting my face. I'm hurt."
"You? Hurt? Pfft."
"I think I may just cry."
"Cry? Who are you and what have you done with the real Jade?"
"I killed him and absorbed his essence." Jade smirked, finally pulling them both over to Peony's (rappig drool covered) couch.
"You're not going to do the same to me now, are you?" Peony asked, feigning worry despite comfortably curling up on the couch with Jade.
"That depends." Jade leaned just enough to allow Peony a comfortable resting pillow. "Although, you don't look all that appetizing, to be honest."
"Lucky for me."
"That just means I won't eat you. I still haven't decided about killing you."
Peony went silent then and cuddled closer to Jade.
Jade sighed. "I told you the first thing I would do is come and see you." His fingers ran through Peony's hair once, the bead swinging like an ornate pendulum.
"I know," Peony said, relaxing as Jade stroked his hair. "Good news is I'm sleeping normal again."
"Good. You look it. Although, you're thinner than when I last saw you."
"Would you believe I've been working out?"
"Not in the slightest."
"It was worth a try."
"I suppose so." Jade flicked at the bead, watching it in motion once more, "You may start talking whenever you want."
"I don't know where to start. Let's play psychiatrist. You can ask me questions and I'll answer them."
"Have you seen her yet? In person?"
"Not since the weekend after the funeral."
Why things had to be so complicated, Jade would never understand. However, his fingertips kneaded between Peony's shoulder blades, tracing small, simple patterns. "I suppose it's only to be expected. She's busy, after all."
"So am I. I know you'll be disappointed, but there's not any of my paperwork waiting for you in your office."
"If I weren't sitting, I'd have collapsed in shock!"
"Good thing I'm here to keep you from falling off the couch." He closed his eyes and shifted to make it easier for Jade to knead his back. "I want to see her, I'm just not sure if it's still too soon. Or what pace to take things at if it isn't too soon to see her."
The motions became mindless with repetition as Jade pondered Peony's situation, "Would you like me to speak to her first?"
"Please. I've written several letters to her, but I haven't sent any of them because they all talk about what I'm not supposed to say."
"'He croaked, let's do it'?"
Peony couldn't help but laugh. "None of them were that crass. I meant the other thing."
Jade ran his fingers through Peony's hair once again. "If you truly believe it to be the right thing, then I won't stop you."
"I'm really not sure if it is. She's very intelligent though. I'm sure she's realized that through what the public has heard about the cause of death, that everything isn't on the up and up."
"Most likely." Jade conceded, "I suppose coming out to her with the truth would probably be best. Although, you understand the risks involved, right?"
Peony nodded. "I understand. Maybe you could ask her if she wants to know?"
"All right, then. I'll do that for you."
"Thank you. If she does, let her know that I'll tell her whenever she's ready to hear it."
"Of course." Jade squeezed Peony's shoulder, "Feel better?"
"A little."
"Well enough to eat?"
"Yes, well enough to eat."
"Good. Then order us food."
"The food should be here soon, unless you managed to get in here without anyone seeing you."
"Sometimes I think I love you, Your Majesty."
"Only sometimes?" he asked, pouting.
"Yes. Because then I realize it's only indigestion on my behalf." And there it was, the trademark Jade smirk.
"You should really get that looked at."
"Perhaps. And no, that's not a reason to eat my dinner for me."
"I wasn't planning on that."
"I'm just covering all my bases." With a single finger, Jade poked the center of Peony's forehead, "Who knows what your brain will come up with next."
"Hey!" Peony said, furrowing his eyebrows. "I'd be more worried about what your brain comes up with than mine."
"See, my ideas are cold and calculating. You don't have to worry about things going wrong. Yours on the other hand..."
"There's nothing wrong with my ideas."
"'Hey Jade! Go ahead and lick that pole!'"
"I knew exactly what would happen."
"You fiend."
"You rubbed off on me a bit too much." A knock sounded at the door, and Peony called for them to enter.
He really wasn't in the mood to deal with the maids once more, so Jade did his best to ignore the knock, the woman who entered, and the giggling involved. Instead, he focused on the cart which was... a lot more full than usual.
Lucky for Jade, Peony wasn't in the mood for making things difficult with the maids. "Thank you," he said as he motioned her back out of the room. "I didn't ask for all of this, not even half of it. What are they thinking?"
"Perhaps they knew you were in one of your moods?" Jade quirked an eyebrow as the maid left, moving to sit up fully.
"They think I'm going to eat like a pig just because you're back?" Peony said, looking up at Jade. The food smelled delicious and as skeptical as Peony sounded, he was also fairly sure they were right in thinking it. "The only time I've had this much food made recently is when Winry was here. She really loves seafood."
"Well of course, our daughter must have good taste." Jade smirked, eyeing the food before them as well. Far be it from him to scarf like a rappig, but after a stressful month, he didn't mind treating himself to a plethora of favorite foods the two of them shared.
"She definitely takes after you with her seafood tastes." Peony wasn't sure where to start, there were so many choices. After a moment of deliberation, he went straight for the waffles, piled high with strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream. He wanted to ensure he had the room for them.
"Salmon, then?" As if on cue, Jade lifted the cover to a particularly aromatic salmon dish. He swallowed back a soft moan of content, the action also taking care of an onslaught of saliva. Definitely worth the month of stress.
"Yes, she loved it," he said before stuffing his mouth with a huge bite of sugary, waffle-y goodness, a moan escaping as he chewed. He hadn't been this excited about eating since Valentine's day.
"Manners, Your Majesty."
"You're not polite company. I don't have to mind them."
"In that case..." Jade pointedly reached over with a fork and speared a few strawberries off Peony's plate, "I'll be sure to live up to that."
"You don't need to go out of your way." Peony reached over and grabbed a big bite of salmon with his fork in retaliation.
"Oh no no no, I insist." With his other hand, Jade grabbed Peony's fork, "And I'll also have to ask you put the fish back down, Your Majesty. I'm a man on the edge. You don't know what I'll do."
"You never let me eat any salmon when we have it. Not even what's on my own plate." Peony pouted and reached for his fork.
"Because it's terrible. I'm saving you from a grisly culinary fate."
"No you're not."
With a soft chuckle, Jade allowed Peony a small gateway to 'stealing' his food. The emperor needed it, after all. He disguised it as popping the strawberries into his own mouth, taking care to savor the sweet and tangy juice. Jade never really cared for sweets, even as a child, but he allowed the not so subtle flavors to mix along his tongue.
Peony triumphantly popped the bite of salmon into his mouth and once he'd swallowed it, he petulantly stuck his tongue out at Jade.
In a blur, Jade reached out with the very same hand that had mock chided Peony before, and grabbed the man's tongue with the very tips of his fingers. "Honestly, Your Majesty? Honestly?"
"Apple," he said, though with Jade pinching his tongue it came out more like "Asshole," but that was Peony's intention.
"Mmm?" PINCH.
Peony grabbed Jade's earlobe and tugged hard.
This, of course, meant war. Jade retaliated with a harsh tug of his own, digging his fingernails into the soft muscle as he did so.
"I'm not going to be able to eat if you don't let go," Peony said, though it came out a bit garbled sounding.
"Let go of my ear."
"You first."
"No. You."
Peony reluctantly let go, but held his fork in a threatening manner to Jade's hand. "Now let go."
Smirk never leaving his face, Jade released Peony's tongue, using a napkin to wipe off his gloves. Which, in turn, reminded him: He really needed to get rid of that stiff clothing. "Pardon me for a moment." Jade stood and slipped off his gloves, before working on the military uniform's outer coat, leaving him in his black undershirt. Folding everything neatly and placing the uniform on a (relatively) clean table, he worked on his boots next. He knew he'd be staying the night here, and wearing anything but comfortable clothing wouldn't be wise in the slightest.
While Jade stripped down, Peony ate more of his waffles. "There's some pyjama pants in the drawer over there if you want to lose those uniform pants, too," he said between bites.
"Trying to get a peep show, Your Majesty?"
"It's not anything I haven't seen before."
"Right, right." Jade took Peony's offer, padding over to the drawer, pulling out said pants, and proceeding to change into them.
"Much better, isn't it?" Peony laughed. He finished his waffles and looked for something else to eat, surprised at how hungry he still was.
"I feel free as a bird, Your Majesty." Jade's voice dropped to a monotone. as he pulled on the pajama pants, trying to ignore the obligatory rappig pattern, "Honestly, how many of these do you have?"
"Someone buys me a new pair every Christmas and birthday," Peony said with a shrug.
"...I'll have to stop myself next time."
"No, no, please continue. I almost have enough to last an entire month without wearing the same ones twice."
"No no. Since we're getting older, I figured I should start giving you different birthday presents. How does a set of false teeth sound?"
"I don't need false teeth."
"If you continue eating sweets like that, you will."
"I brush my teeth," Peony said, crossing his arms.
"So you've finally learned how?"
He picked up a piece of fruit from the tray and chucked it at Jade.
Chuckling, Jade turned his shoulder to it, batting feebly, "Oh no! I've been hit!" With that, he fell to the floor, rolling onto his back. He ignored the immediate onslaught of snouts and grunting as the rappigs came to investigate.
"Man down! Man down!" Peony said laughing. "You going to need help getting up?"
"I don't know. My hips are feeling particularly brittle today!"
"Serves you right for saying I need false teeth." Peony got up from the couch and stood with his feet to either side of Jade's legs. He offered his hands to help Jade up, though chances were, just the opposite was going to happen.
"You don't honestly expect me to reach."
"I know your arms are long enough."
Jade reached up half way, feigning weakness. "I'm not strong enough..."
Peony leaned in a little closer, catching Jade's hands in his.
"Are you sure you'll be able to lift me? From what I understand, you haven't been doing much movement as of late. And your arm flab seems to have doubled."
"I can do it," Peony said, tugging Jade upwards.
Jade pulled back with just enough strength to balance out Peony's yanking, "Are you sure?"
"Positive, but it doesn't matter if you aren't going to let me."
"Tell Gelda to stop nibbling at my hair, and perhaps I'll consider it."
"She's just being affectionate."
"She's giving me an unwanted haircut."
"She only eats the split ends."
"Good luck to her, then. I don't have any."
"You must if she's nibbling." Peony tugged again.
"She's delusional." Jade, being difficult as usual, tugged back.
"So are you."
Jade gave a hard yank.
Despite expecting it, Peony was unable to resist and was fell forward, using Jade to cushion his fall.
"Oof!" Jade wasn't expecting that, and just barely managed to catch the larger man. Squealing filled the room as Gelda scampered away. "At least you scared her off."
"But drew someone else's attention," Peony said, noting a runny nosed rappig edging closer.
"...No."
"He won't hurt you. It's not his fault his nose runs."
"That's what I'm worried abo-" and there it was. A slopping 'kiss' from Saphir right against Jade's cheek.
"Awwww, he loves you." Peony said, and gave Jade an equally sloppy kiss on the other cheek.
"Stop it. I hate you both." Jade grumbled. The rappig seemed to take Peony's cue, and, grunting and sniveling, continued to dig into Jade's cheek with his soft, powerful nose.
"We just missed you is all," Peony said, though he ceased his rappig style kisses.
"'We' or 'I'?"
"We." He paused for a minute before reluctantly adding, "I."
Jade reached up and grasped the top of Peony's biceps, just beneath his shoulders. He pulled down again, just a bit more gentle this time.
"What?" he asked. "You're not trying to feel my arm flab again are you?"
"I don't need to. I can see it even through your clothes."
"No you can't because I don't have any."
Jade pressed a digit into the side of Peony's arm. "I beg to differ."
Peony squirmed.
Sighing, Jade patted Peony's head. "So. About your missing me."
"That's normal. I always miss you when you're away."
"It seemed worse this time."
"Oh. Well."
Jade arched his eyebrows, "You wanted to speak about more, didn't you?"
"You wouldn't have let me stew around like I have been."
"Well. I'm here now, if you'd like to let more out."
"If I didn't love her, he wouldn't have died like that. Even if Sync acted on his own, he wouldn't have done it if--"
Jade placed a finger to Peony's lips, as if a lover cajoling another. Then, with the same hand, he wound his arm back... and reamed Peony fully in the cheek.
Peony rolled over, his hand covering his face where Jade had just punched him. "The maids are going to be talking about domestic abuse," he said, trying to make a joke and lighten things up.
"Had you said anything more, the entire country would erupt in chaos."
"What?"
"I would have killed you."
"I could have used that punch two weeks ago." Peony sighed and curled up against Jade again.
"I'll work on inventing a way to physically harm someone over the internet." Jade sighed and scratched the side of Peony's head, right beside the temple.
"It didn't help any that you were able to go see Winry so many times," Peony said, but before Jade could say anything in return he added, "I know traveling between fandoms is a lot different than traveling in ours. It's faster."
"You're right. It's a lot different." Jade stopped scratching, turning his head to face Peony, "You know that you're my first priority."
"After saving the world."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No, if you don't save the world, there's no me or you left. Or anyone else."
"All right, then."
"I don't know what I want any more."
"Are you spiraling into a deep dark chasm of nothingness? And shall I play that whiny teenage music?"
"No, I'm not spiraling anywhere."
"All right." A few moments passed before he exhaled. Taking out frustration on Peony wasn't going to help, "...Speak. You need to talk about it."
"Even though you just said you would find out of Nephry wants to know, I don't want her knowing it was Sync. I don't want her hating him, or getting mad at me for still caring about him despite everything."
"You're asking for a lot, Peony. Of course she's going to dislike the boy who killed her husband. She may understand your pity, but she'll need time."
"It's not pity, Jade. I know it's a lot. Maybe I should just keep it from her, then I won't have to worry about that. See what I mean? I don't know what I want."
"Peony. I'm going to ask you a question. And you're going to tell me the first thing that comes to mind."
"Okay..." he said, loooking Jade in the eyes.
"Do you believe that telling Nephry the truth will make her happy?"
"No."
"There's your answer."
"But--"
"Sync is going to confess himself."
"He is?"
Jade gave a sneaky, wry smile.
"When did he tell you this?"
"He didn't."
"Then..." Peony looked confused.
"I'm going to have him confess, Your Majesty."
"Oh. When?"
"Knowing Sync, next time we're on the surface, he'll attack. I'll do what I can then."
Peony nodded, "Is there anything else you want to try and weasel out of me, or can we go finish our food before it gets cold?"
"Tell me I'm pretty."
"You're pretty. Now let's eat."
"I love you, too." Jade easily got to his feet in one fluid motion, striding immediately to the trays.
Peony followed a few steps behind, curling up next to Jade on the couch, not yet content with the amount of snuggle time he'd had with his best friend. He closed his eyes and blindly stabbed his fork into the general direction of the food, deciding to surprise himself with what he'd eat next.
Jade nudged the fork in a wayward direction, far off mark from any food, and pointing straight to Saphir, "Ah."
Peony opened his eyes and shot Jade a reprimanding look. "Not funny."
"Ah, ah, ah... I'll go ahead and carve him up. Would you like to say your final farewells?"
"Jade," Peony said, the glare on his face echoed in the tone of his voice. "I won't eat rappigs."
"But he's allowed to try and eat me? Well! I see where your priorities lie!"
"He wasn't trying to eat you any more than I was trying to eat you." He turned his fork on Jade and smirked.
"That's not exactly comforting, Your Majesty."
"Don't worry, I 'd much rather have you as a friend than a meal."
"And apparently as your own personal pillow." Jade placed a hand on Peony's shoulder, giving it a squeeze.
"You like using me as a blanket, don't lie."
"You're certainly warm enough. However, you're also squishy enough to be a fine pillow. Perhaps you should let me sleep on you every once in a while."
"I think I can settle for that."
"Good. You just volunteered."
"That means I get to listen while you tell me what's on your mind." Peony turned his fork back toward the food and speared a piece of broccoli.
"Other than eating your sniffling rappig?" Jade retorted, working on his fish.
"Yes. I already know you don't like rappig meat."
"You know me too well." Jade sighed, setting down his fork. "Well then, what do you want to know?"
"Whatever is on your mind. I'm not as good at reading yours as you are mine."
"There isn't much to speak of. Other than suddenly becoming a surrogate father."
"And how does that make you feel?"
"Other than wanting to hang myself?"
"Yes, other than that."
There was a long pause before Jade spoke again, "...In all honesty, I'm not sure."
"Do you want to stop being her surrogate father?"
"Not particularly. However, I'll remind you that it's not only Winry. Arche is amongst the ranks, Cheza, I'm sure if she held the concept, would feel the same way. Anise, and even Luke-- despite the fact that I nearly vomited at the thought."
"Ah, should I start calling them The Jadey Bunch?"
"If you do, you'll be short at least five rappigs."
Peony frowned, "I was only kidding."
"I wasn't. <3"
"I know."
Jade shrugged, "Oh well. I suppose an old man will cling to anything."
"You're not old yet. That doesn't come for another 15 years."
"You're only saying that because you're only a year younger than I."
"That has nothing to do with it."
"I've an old soul." Jade waved a hand, as if to dismiss the topic.
Peony wrapped his arms around Jade and pulled him closer. "I don't think old souls act like you."
Despite himself, Jade leaned against Peony and into the hug, enjoying the touch far more than he'd ever admit (although he knew Peony could tell). "I think they do. Why else would I have such a craving for applesauce?"
"Infants love applesauce."
Jade craned his neck back so he could gaze up into Peony's face, "...I don't think infants have developed a sense of sarcasm just yet."
"You're like Stewie from the family guy."
"...I'm blocking all television streaming sites."
"Not my Huluuuuuuuuuu!"
"Consider it dead."
"So cruel."
"The cruelty of a child?"
"Shut up."
Jade chuckled again, a sound coming from deep within his throat, "Now I know what scares you nearly as much as losing your rappigs."
"What would that be?"
"Destroying Hulu."
"There's other things higher on the list than that."
"I can't possibly fathom what." However, even as the words just began to leave his mouth, Jade brought up a hand to rest on one of Peony's.
"Probably better that you can't," he said, squeezing Jade's hand.
"I suppose I'll just stick to destroying Hulu, then."
"What's wrong with Hulu?"
"It's distracting you from the important things in life."
"It was giving me something to laugh at while you were away."
"I demand that you remain absolutely miserable during those times." Jade squeezed Peony's hand harder.
"Trust me, I was."
Ouch. Jade moved his head so it rested just beneath Peony's jaw, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty."
"Thanks, Jade." He rested his chin on Jade's head and closed his eyes. "Did I do a good job acting like everything was normal?"
"You nearly had even me fooled." Jade's response was sincere, and he pushed his fingers so they could intertwine with Peony's-- a sign that even the Great Jade Curtiss had been worried for His Majesty. "Which of course only proved the direness of your situation."
Peony sighed, "Do you think everyone noticed, or was it only you who would pick up on it?"
"Only me."
"Good."
"Perhaps one or two of the maids picked up on it as well, now that I think about it." Jade motioned to the piles of yet to be eaten food.
"I haven't been ordering food as frequently as I used to. It would have been a shock if they hadn't noticed."
"See? They love you for more than voyeur fodder."
"Of course."
"Now if only you can train them to obey simple commands like 'sit' and 'stay'."
"You mean to keep them from following after you?"
"One can dream."
"Not going to happen."
Jade relaxed his entire body so it slumped completely against Peony, "My hopes... you've shattered them, Your Majesty."
"You shatter mine every day."
"It's called reality, Your Majesty."
"I'll never be anything more than a surrogate uncle at this rate."
"Surrogate isn't all too bad. They're technically not yours, so you can spoil them all you want, and not have to deal with the consequences."
"I'd be the uncle anyways, that would still be the case."
Jade immediately thought about the future that Sync had revealed to him-- where he apparently had a daughter of his own. He had to suppress an involuntary shudder at not only the thought of marriage and reproducing, but having Peony of all people in charge of spoiling said child.
"What are you thinking right now?" Peony asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"You're always thinking something."
"...Do you remember the older Sync?"
"Yeah, I remember him."
"He told me a couple of things."
"Like what?"
Jade chewed on the inside of his lip, knowing full well that what he was about to utter next would give Peony bragging rights from this moment on, until the two of them lay snug in their graves, "...I'm apparently doomed to have a child of my own."
"Really?" Peony grinned and squeezed Jade tight. "I'm going to be a real uncle one of these days!"
"Yes. Joy." Jade's voice was strained as Peony nearly squished the life out of him.
"Are you telling me that's your future child's name, or the emotion you're feeling right now?"
"If I name her 'Joy', I want you to kill me. Slowly and painfully."
"But it's a pretty name."
"Kill. Me."
Peony laughed. "Will you settle for a punch to the face?"
"No. I never take anything half way-- you should know this."
"Then you better not name her Joy. I don't want to have to kill my best friend."
"Trust me, I won't. Cosmos be damned."
"Did he say anything about my having any children?"
"I was lucky to get him to reveal as much as he did." Jade squeezed Peony's hand yet again in comfort.
"I'll have to be content then with the news that you're going to be a father."
"That makes one of us."
"You'll change your mind when the time comes."
"You sound so sure."
"One of us has to."
"Trust me, Your Majesty, if I'm doomed to have a family complete with a white picket fence, you're sure to have one yourself."
"If it's with Nephry, I more than welcome it."
Jade let his body slink down further, so the back of his head now lay against Peony's chest. "I doubt any other woman would be able to handle you."
"I'm sure there's someone out there. I mean, if you're going to find someone who can handle you, they have to be able to handle me, too," Peony teased.
"Perhaps I got her drunk out of desperation."
"You? Desperate?" Peony laughed. "You know I always help out with my maids before you can get to that point."
"...That's not help."
"As much as you act like it's the worst thing in the world, you seem to be in a better mood the next day."
"Primal instinct."
"Is that what that is?"
Jade shrugged.
"I wonder if the future Mrs Curtiss is going to be someone you find on your own or if-"
Before Peony could finish his sentence, Jade covered his mouth with his free hand.
Peony licked Jade's hand in an attempt to have the freedom to finish saying what he wanted.
In retaliation, Jade pinched Peony's nose, saliva covered palm, and all. "You're disgusting."
A mumbled sound came out and then Peony went silent, hoping that would get Jade to move his hand and let go of his nose.
It did, and Jade pointedly wiped the palm of his hand against his pajama pants.
"I was going to say 'Or if she finds you,' but you had to interrupt me."
"I'm going to stay with the drunk theory, if that pleases you, Your Majesty."
"I suppose I don't have much choice for now, do I?"
Jade sighed, leaning his head further into Peony's chest. "...I do appreciate your efforts."
"Which efforts are we talking about?" Peony ran his fingers idly through Jade's hair.
"The maids."
"You know by saying that it'll only encourage me."
"Considering my increased absence, sending a maid after me everywhere I go will be rather hard."
"That would be very silly of me," Peony said. "I'd be short a maid if I did that."
"Short one maid forever."
"It wouldn't be so bad if the reason for the shortage involved a Mrs. Curtiss."
"Cannibalism isn't the same as marriage."
Peony sighed dramatically. "How many times do I have to tell you, that's not what I mean by eating?"
Despite how crude the comment was, Jade found himself laughing.
"There we go," Peony said, also laughing. He gave Jade a squeeze. "I've missed you."
"I missed you, too." Jade let the (albeit out of place) smile linger on his face, "If anything, and seeing as we've managed to have a daughter already, perhaps we should just marry each other. All of our problems would be solved."
"Not all of them. There's that whole issue of sex. I wouldn't be able to have any ever again if I married you."
"You could always wear a blindfold."
"That's really not going to help, Jade."
"You'd imagine my beautiful face anyway?"
"Of course. I also would notice the difference between sex with another man and sex with a woman."
Jade arched an eyebrow, "Are you saying you've had the chance to compare the two experiences?"
"No, I haven't, but I'm positive I'd notice the difference."
"Right, right." Jade huffed, "It's terrible when you take me seriously."
"I'm sorry. Should I promise to run away with you and marry you now?"
"We leave tonight."
"We can get Guy to babysit the rappigs."
"Nay. We'll take the rappigs with us."
"They can be our groomsmen and bridesmaids."
"Saphir can be the banquet."
"We are not eating Saphir!"
Jade did his best to laugh both evilly, and quietly at the same time, as the rappig in question raised his head, sniffling in fear-- as if he understood.
"You've upset him, and now he's going to sniffle five times as much as usual," Peony said in a reprimanding tone.
"As long as he wipes his nose on you this time."
"I was more worried about the floor."
"As if you clean it yourself."
"I don't want to step in it."
"Have you considered having his nose removed?"
"I've given it as much thought as I have to having your nose removed. Which is none."
He was on a roll! Jade continued to hound Peony, teasing his friend in order to make up for months of absence, "I'll be more than happy to do it for you. I've a surgeon's touch, after all."
"Practice on yourself first."
"I'll practice on myself second. You can be first."
"I like my nose."
"It's a bit stubby."
"Then there's no reason to remove it."
"Perhaps I can make it longer? I'll borrow some of Saphir's nose."
"Then my nose will be running all over you."
"That's when I remove it."
"You fiend!" Peony said, trying his best to hide his laughter.
"There's nothing you can do to stop me!"
"I can have you locked away for life."
"But you won't." To make his point clearer, Jade snuggled in closer, turning just a bit on his side.
"I didn't say where you'd be locked away." Peony grinned.
"Oh my...! Your Majesty!"
"Even if it were the dungeon, I'd visit you every day."
"And bring me my meals?"
"Of course. Unless you start getting fat. Then I might have to put you on a diet."
"Or you can install a running wheel."
"Brilliant idea. Would you like a hamster ball, too, so you can go outside?"
"Would I!"
Peony laughed and shook his head. He'd missed this too much.
Whenever Peony laughed, it was infectious-- a sound that nobody could help but chime in with. Jade was no different, and knowing that he'd been the one to gently nudge Peony into such mirth only made it better. His shoulders shook, and he had to nuzzle half his face into Peony's chest to control it.
"I'm sorry, imagining you in a hamster ball, rolling around in front of the palace is about the funniest thing I can think of right now." Peony's stomach was starting to ache from laughing so hard.
To add to it, Jade mustered his strength to suppress his own chuckles, just long enough to rapidly click his tongue against the roof of his mouth-- not unlike a rodent.
This sent Peony into an even greater fit of laughter and within moments he'd managed to roll them both off of the couch and onto the floor. "Jade, stop it."
"No." Was all Jade could breathe.
"Fine," Peony wheezed, holding his stomach as he continued to laugh.
In the meantime, Jade did his best to wriggle free of the mess of limbs that he and Peony had magically become.
In the process of detangling, Peony rolled away, bumping into the cart of food and knocking it over.
This didn't stop him from laughing. In fact, it increased his laughing.
But not Jade's-- considering the fish he'd been picking at and savoring decided to land right on his head, "...Wonderful."
Peony glanced over at Jade and managed to say between laughs, "I'll have them send up a fresh one for you."
"Don't bother, I doubt we've anymore room."
Carefully moving over the mess on the floor, Peony took the plate off Jade's head and helped him pick the salmon out of his hair. "You sure? I think I might have burned off everything I ate from all that laughing."
"Impossible. You've a lot more to burn." Jade teased, letting Peony pull out stray bits of food. He otherwise preoccupied himself with watching the rappigs investigate the spills-- and running off with what they could.
"Are you offering to help me burn it off?" Peony teased. He popped a piece of salmon into Jade's mouth when he opened it to speak. "Don't worry, that piece wasn't touching your hair. <3"
Jade chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and then smiled, "Only if that means I can set you on fire, Your Majesty."
"Are we talking literally or metaphorically?"
Jade only smiled.
Peony frowned, though it was obviously a farce as the smile hadn't quite left his eyes.
"You've enough fat to burn quite nicely."
"I'm not fat, Jade. I just like loose clothing."
"Tell that to your stomach and arms."
Peony lifted up his shirt. "I don't see any fat."
Jade took this opportunity and, with the speed and precision of a professional, gave Peony a mighty raspberry on his stomach.
"And you were calling me gross," Peony laughed, tugging his shirt back down.
"Because you are." Jade murmured, resting his head on Peony's abdomen when he finished fixing his shirt, "Absolutely disgusting."
"You're disgusting, too."
"I caught it from you." Jade lazily gazed upward.
"Did you?"
"Mmm." Jade shut his eyes, before snapping them open once more, "...I smell like fish thanks to you."
"You can go take a bath if you want. I promise to keep the maids away."
"You mean you won't join me?"
"I haven't shared a bath with you since we were ten. I don't plan to change that any time soon, either."
Jade snorted, "Do you remember the time I convinced you the rubber ducks were alive?"
"How could I forget. I spent the next month avoiding the bathtub at all costs," Peony laughed.
Jade chuckled, spurred by the vibrations from Peony's stomach as the other man laughed.
"I can't remember how I smelled by time I took my next bath, but I'd have to guess it was awful."
"Nephry and I would spray you in your sleep."
"Spray me?"
"Air freshener."
"I'm surprised you didn't just dump water on me."
"We tried once-- your caretakers wouldn't let us up the stairs with the bucket."
"I guess they didn't want to have to clean up the mess afterward."
"Most likely. Although I'm surprised you didn't notice us spraying you."
"You know I've always been a sound sleeper."
"If you're not careful, someone may assassinate you in your sleep. Make sure you train the rappigs to defend you."
"They're already highly trained. Why do you think I have them?"
"Emergency rations?"
Peony lightly smacked Jade. "No, they are not emergency rations!"
"But they're so round. You could get a week's worth of food apiece!"
"I'd rather starve."
"Hmm... judging by how they devoured our leftovers, they'd probably eat you first. Alive, most likely."
"They'd eat you first. For all the times you threatened to eat them. "
"No, you see, they'd cower in fear because I've no inhibitions in eating them."
"Only Saphir would cower."
"I'd just have to make an example out of him."
"You scoundrel."
"You flatter me."
"I'm only getting started."
"Tell me more~ Your Majesty. Talk dirty, even."
"I can't, there are young ears present."
"If you're sure," Jade sighed in mock dejection, scooting up so he could be more comfortable.
"I'll tell you later after the children are nestled in bed." Peony draped his arm across Jade's chest. "Do I really make that comfortable a pillow?"
"That works for me. And yes." Jade wriggled his arms underneath Peony, so he could hug him close, "Very much so. I get tired just laying down on you." His ear lay over Peony's heart, and he subconsciously let the steady beats lull him somewhat.
"You're not going to fall asleep here on the floor, are you?"
"Unless you carry me, I refuse to move."
"That's too much effort," Peony said with a yawn. "But it's no fair that you get a pillow and I don't."
"Shall we move to the bed, then?"
"That was what I was aiming for."
"Lazy. All right." Jade sat back, hesitating at first.
Peony raised an eyebrow, "I promise you can continue using me as a pillow once we get into the bed."
"Don't break it... I don't think my heart can handle it."
"I'll pinky swear on it if you want me to."
"You'll cross your toes."
"I'm not you."
"You're just not sneaky enough."
"I could be sneakier if I wanted to."
"Ah. But the question is, do you want to?"
"Tonight? No." Peony sat up and after a moment's hesitation stood up, holding his hands out for Jade to do the same.
Jade gazed up and smiled before clasping his hands in Peony's, gripping them tightly before hoisting himself to his feet. "Lead the way. I doubt I can find a path through this mess by myself."
Peony had been lounging his his pjs all day and carefully stepped over and around the mess with practiced ease, even though some of the mess was new. "You could if you had to."
"I'm afraid some wild animal will come and devour me if I tried by myself, Your Majesty." Nevertheless, Jade followed gracefully in Peony's footsteps, taking care not to step in any food.
"Well, there are quite a few around."
Jade felt a gentle nip at his ankle, "...Gelda has attacked."
"Did she draw blood?"
"No. Although I think I may have accidentally stepped on one of her toys."
"Then you deserved it."
"She's lucky if I don't kick it across the ro-ouch!"
Peony laughed.
"Don't laugh. Control your animals, Your Majesty."
"Gelda," Peony said in a reprimanding tone. "Jade didn't hurt your toy. Play nice."
There was an uppity huff as the rappig in question nudged Jade once and trotted away. Jade's eyebrows shot up, "They're particularly violent today. Was there anything in the food?"
"No, but they haven't seen you since the last time I saw you and you didn't have a single kind word for them. Rappigs have feelings, too."
Jade sighed, gazing across the room to the throng of animals. They seemed to turn their noses away, and, although Jade doubted they'd any true sentiency, he had to admit it was uncanny timing, "Shall I apologize to them, then?"
"You should, or they might do foul things to you in your sleep."
Rolling his eyes and lowered himself so he crouched close to the floor, hand extended as he called over to the rappigs.
The rappigs knew that signal and moved as quickly as their round bodies would allow them to, skidding to a stop right in front of Jade. Peony did his best to hide his laugh. "Now apologize to them and make it sincere. They'll know if you're lying."
Jade shot a quick glare at him before turning back to the group, forcing a smile. "I'm sorry."
The rappigs backed away, then a moment later they charged him all at once, their snouts snuffling along Jade's arms and squealing in a manner that Peony interpreted as happily. "Looks like they accept."
As Jade hit the floor with an 'Oof!', he shot another glare at Peony, although it was ruined as rappig snouts nuzzled and dug into his cheeks.
Peony laughed and grinned as he watched. "It took several months, but they finally learned that trick I've been trying to teach them."
"...You son of a-" Jade's voice died as a rappig decided to give him a true kiss.
"That... was not part of the trick."
"..."
"I'm not sure where Aslan learned that one."
"...It was Saphir." Jade refused to mention that the only reason he knew, was because the rappig's snout had made it inside his open mouth. While Saphir was sniffling.
"Was it? Hmmm, The only way to tell those two apart is their snouts."
Jade coughed.
"I'm terribly sorry," Peony said, managing a straight face long enough to speak before bursting into laughter.
"I hate you, Your Majesty."
"I had no clue he'd do that. I'd offer to make it better, but I'm afraid that would only make it worse," he teased.
"I'm going to eat him."
"So cruel."
Jade opened his mouth wide, and, using the angle to his advantage, made it look like he was gnawing on Saphir's head.
"Be careful or he might take that as in invitation to make out with you again."
"I see they've learned how to be bona fide perverts from you." Jade muttered as he stood, giving Nephry a small scratch behind her ear before rising to his full height.
"I'm not a pervert, I just enjoy the female form," Peony said, laying down on his bed.
"There's artistic enjoyment, and there's voyeuristic. Guess which category you fall under, sir." Jade retorted as he laid down next to him.
"Somewhere in between?"
"...I suppose I can agree with that." Jade rolled onto his side, so he could face Peony better.
"Meanwhile, I can only imagine where on that spectrum you really are."
"The world will never know, Your Majesty."
"The world might not, but someone will, unless you plan to keep that part hidden away from the mother of your future child."
Jade winced, as if the words had been a physical blow. He even went as far as to curl up on his side.
Peony sighed and wrapped his arms around Jade, pulling him closer. "It'll be fine, Jade."
"You say that now, but I'm sure ten years from now, when you're paying for my daughter's psychologist bill..."
"I've been saving up for that very thing."
"Really now?"
"No, not really. At least not the psychologist bill aspect of it."
"Ah. Then for what?"
"Just a little something for once they become adults."
"Now you've piqued my curiosity. Tell me."
"I haven't decided what yet."
Jade gave a curt laugh, "Liar." However, he dropped the subject, choosing to instead rest his forehead against Peony's chest, "I suppose we'll have to wait and see."
"I guess so," Peony grinned. "The sooner it happens, the sooner you'll know."
"Don't try and rush me. I'd like to put this off as long as humanly possible."
"I'm not rushing you, just giving you a gentle reminder." Peony played with a strand of Jade's hair. "If I wanted to rush you, I'd marry you off to the next maid that walks into my room. But considering who is on duty tonight... well, I'm not that cruel."
"...Is she the latest one I've had the pleasure of meeting?" Jade groaned, letting Peony play around with his hair.
"No, you haven't met her yet. She's a new hire, and a lapse in my better judgment. She works hard, but..." he trailed off as the maid in question walked into the room. "Speak of the devil." He forced a grin as the maid walked in. "You might want to leave that mess for one of the other maids."
Jade forced a smile of his own as he watched her bow respectfully and then leave. Through clenched teeth, he warned, "I swear, Your Majesty, if you set her on me..."
"I promise, I won't. But see what happens when you leave me to stew in my guilt and misery alone?"
"I'll make a replica of myself for you to use as a living doll."
"It wouldn't be the same, and you know it."
There was that short bark of a fake laugh once more, "Better than anyone, I suppose." He let an arm creep around Peony's side, "Don't let your guilt get the better of you. And I don't mean in terms of who you employ."
"I know," Peony sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do about that maid though."
"Let her stay. She's a hard worker, after all."
"I wouldn't fire anyone who is pulling their own weight."
"Well then, I don't see what the problem is."
"I'll either have to change all the maids uniforms, or give her a special one that's more flattering to her body type. I'm afriad the uniform is going to split every time she starts to bend over."
"Have them all dress as giant pillows."
"I couldn't do that to them."
"They'd do anything for you, Your Majesty."
"I know they would."
"Well then?"
"I'd be too tempted to make a pillow fort out of them."
"...That can be interpreted in so many ways, Your Majesty." Jade grinned.
"I'm aware," Peony laughed.
Jade wriggled closer, his ear now laying over Peony's chest as his laughter faded, his hearing preoccupied with the rhythmic beating of the emperor's heart. "I missed your vulgarity the most."
"What a funny thing to miss."
"You think I actually care about you, Your Majesty? I just stay around for your jokes and your body."
"Well, I know this body is hard to resist~" Peony teased.
"I'm envious almost."
"You don't just get this body by sitting around, you know."
"Oh! Of course not! You can only get arm flab of this quality by laying around."
Peony pouted, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't have any flab. I bet I can still beat you in hand to hand combat."
Jade really didn't have a response to that-- out of the two, Peony was physically stronger, and he was an accomplished martial artist. "Perhaps."
"Not tonight," Peony said, yawning, "but we should see. If I beat you, you have to stop calling me fat."
"You're a bully." Jade mock whined, snuggling ever closer.
"A bully? No more than you are."
"Worse, even."
"How am I a worse bully than you?"
"You're ten times scarier than I. At least."
"I'm not scary."
"You're terrifying."
"Name one terrifying thing I've done. And hooking you up with maids does not count."
"Your room."
"A little mess doesn't make it terrifying."
"It's not the mess so much as what it could hide."
"You have an overactive imagination."
"I don't need to imagine."
"Have you been snooping?"
"Possibly."
"What have you found?"
"Monstrosities so terrible, the very descriptions are held back in fear."
"So terrible that even I can't hear them?"
"Precisely."
"O-oh my." Peony wrapped his arms tight around Jade. "I'm afriad to sleep just thinking that there might be something monstrous lurking in this room."
"Crushing me to death won't help. Unless you intend to use me as a sacrifice."
"I wasn't trying to crush you."
"A likely story. I'm going to have to keep tabs on you."
"It should be easy with me right here."
"Ah. And when I leave?"
"Haven't figured that out yet."
"You've only a few days to. So think quick."
"I'll come up with something."
"Very well, then." Jade settled himself closer against Peony, relaxing his body. "Anything else I should know about?"
"I've had this odd itching sensa-" Peony laughed, "No, nothing that I can think of."
"All right, then." Jade smiled, this time sincerely. "Good."
Peony yawned, "Good night, Nephry. Good night, Saphir. Good night, Aslan. Good night, Luke. Good night, Gelda. Good night, cute Jade. Good night, not-cute Jade."
"You forgot the moon."
"Good night, moon," Peony added as he closed his eyes.
Jade chuckled, "Good night, Peony."
"Don't let the bed bugs bite."
Smirking, Jade chomped down hard on Peony's shoulder.
"Ow!" Peony smacked Jade's arm. "Just because I was asking for it didn't mean you had to give."
"I'm a generous person, Your Majesty."
"Of course."
Jade sighed, resting his head once more, and pulling the blankets over both of them, "Anything else?"
"You don't want to know."
"Do I not want to know, or do you not want to tell me?"
"The former."
"Whatever you command, Your Majesty."
"I apologize in advance."
"..."
"Sweet dreams."
"I'm sure. Just watch your own 'sweet dreams', Your Majesty."
"That's what the apology was for."
".....Good night, Peony."
"Night~ <3"
Jade finally shut his eyes, concentrating once more on the beating of his best friend's heart. And praying that he wouldn't be subject to any rude awakenings.