For Sjsarang: Words Never Spoken (but so Much Was Said)
For: sjsarang
Author: mydeerest_luhan
Title: Words Never Spoken (but so Much Was Said)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junmyeon/Luhan
Word count: 3604
Summary: Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime, Junmyeon meets a boy in the library once upon a time.
A/N: First of all, I want to thank the mods for this wonderful exchange and for their patience! :D Also, I want to apologize for finishing my fic so late and causing you trouble T__T Second, I want to thank my recipient for the great prompts. I hope you like this. :) The ending might seem a bit rushed and for that I am really sorry. ):
The title is from the song Love in the Library by Jimmy Buffett. :)
“Maybe it’s the intimacy of hushed voices, or the mingling of public and private spheres, or just the feeling of mysterious possibility that comes from being surrounded by so many books and stories. Let’s face it-there’s something romantic about libraries.”
Sunlight filters through the window, making straight rays towards the continuous row of bookshelves. Dust particles appear seemingly suspended in mid-air as light keeps streaming through the wide glass. Quiet fills the library as students study silently and mill around the shelves wordlessly.
The calm silence is what enticed Junmyeon into being a student assistant in their university library. That, and the thought of being surrounded by books - of being submerged in prose and verse that transports him into different worlds, that makes him see through someone else’s eyes and that lets him experience exciting adventures - that really pulled him into applying for the position.
He sits at the librarian’s desk by the main entrance with stacks of books piled neatly on the corner of the huge counter. Junmyeon sighs silently as he starts to sift through the carefully arranged books. He was deeply immersed in his train of thoughts when a hand suddenly places a book to his left.
A fair copy of We, The Living by Ayn Rand lies in front him. He smiles subtly at the cover welcoming it like an old friend, for he has already read this a couple of weeks ago and needless to say he loved it.
“Do you have a library card?”
“Yes.”
Finally tearing his eyes away from the hardback, Junmyeon looks up to a pair of twinkling eyes looming above him. He sits mesmerized as the familiar feeling of his soul leaving his body and watching the event unfold through abstract eyes that he only ever felt from reading books overtook him.
It all happened in an instant, already whipping past the current of time, but Junmyeon knows that somehow that single moment would forever be embossed in his memory.
As the guy shuffles through his backpack looking for the library card, Junmyeon steals a glance at him. He is breathtakingly beautiful, befitting the description of a prince.
A paper being placed in front of him brings him out of his reverie. He stamps the date and watches as the guy writes down his name on the borrower list.
Lu Han
The name resonates through his head, rolling around the cavities in his brain and down into the chambers of his heart.
Lu Han collects the book and hoists his bag over his shoulder. For a brief moment, he looks over Junmyeon’s nameplate by his chest, visibly reading the characters, Junmyeon hears a heknowsmyname!heknowsmyname!heknowsmyname! jabbering in his head while Lu Han mutely strolls towards the exit.
Just as he was about to give up hopes of being noticed, Lu Han pauses by the door and turns around to face him. The sunlight is nearly blinding behind Lu Han’s frame, bedimming Lu Han’s face into a penumbral outline.
Despite the shadowy contours of his face, Junmyeon still sees the upward tug of Lu Han’s lips. Like the drops of sun in winter, Lu Han’s smile brought a sudden inexplicable warmth in him.
`•.¸.•´
Junmyeon shifts in his seat once again trying to find a comfortable position. A mixture of nervousness and excitement fills him that he feels like a drum set has taken residence inside him, loudly banging into his chest.
Junmyeon can only think of one reason why he feels the way he does right now. Lu Han’s book is due today and he will get to see him again. He didn’t plan this, but somehow he unconsciously commits it to memory, mentally marks down the days to when he catches a glimpse of the beautiful guy again.
He decides to read a book to hopefully ease his nerves, to provide him the escape from reality for a while. But for the first time, even that doesn’t seem to help.
“By night, Love, tie your heart to mine and the two together in their sleep will defeat the darkness.”
Junmyeon snaps his head towards the direction of the voice, his eyes widening in shock.
It’s him. Lu Han.
“That’s my favourite line in the book,” he explains.
Junmyeon looks at the book he’s holding in his hands, momentarily forgetting he even had it at all.
Cien Sonetos de Amor. In his unfocused state of mind, he must not have even noticed what book he was supposedly reading.
“The first time I read Pablo Neruda, my heart ached in the best way,” Lu Han continues, smiling slightly.
Junmyeon wanted to say something witty or smart or even sympathetic, but instead his jaw merely slackened from his head.
“My name’s Lu Han and I want to return this book.”
“I know.”
The words tumble out of Junmyeon’s mouth before he even had the chance to regret them in his head.
“Uh, I mean, library card,” Junmyeon says awkwardly.
The cacophony of percussion instruments continues to reverberate in his chest, simultaneous with the loud beating of his heart. Amidst the noise, Junmyeon tries to make a coherent thought to strike a conversation and to hopefully amend his prior clumsiness.
“N-Neruda was somewhat an experient on love. He was an ardent lover of women, he had three wives and countless flames,” Junmyeon states.
Lu Han chuckles, his eyes stretching into crescents forming seams at the corners.
“To have spoken these words so splendidly put together about someone…” Lu Han trails off thoughtfully at the end.
As Junmyeon places Lu Han’s book on the returned books section, Lu Han stares seriously into his eyes, but what Lu Han said next leaves him blushing furiously.
“I want to feel love that beautiful.”
`•.¸.•´
Fingers caress over dark ink and flimsy paper, gentle touches reminiscent of an artist admiring their perfected creation. Junmyeon reads concentratedly, lips moving minutely to susurrate words into the air.
Suddenly raucous laughter breaks through the tranquil atmosphere. Without hesitation, Junmyeon turns to the guilty table and shushes them immediately, adding in a judging contemptuous glare just for extra measure. Though he is off-duty right now, his inner disciplinarian can be awoken when he is interrupted from his peaceful reading.
As the laughter begins to subside, he makes a move to resume his reading but before he can even read another word off the page he sees Lu Han approaching his table instead.
“Is this seat taken?” Lu Han asks gently, clutching the back of the chair in front of him.
A thousand thoughts come speeding through his mind, his body has tensed from nervousness that he merely shook his head in response.
As Lu Han occupies the seat parallel his, he becomes hyper aware of his surroundings all at once. The elongated shadows of the window frames casting over the floor; the smell of ink and paper and leather and caramel and dust and sunlight wonderfully wafting together in the air; the euphony of friction between pages being turned and of books being opened and closed.
Junmyeon tries to turn his attention back to the book in front of him.
He knew she was there by the joy and fear that overwhelmed his heart. She stood at the other end of the rink, talking to a lady. There seemed to be nothing very special in her dress, nor in her pose; but for Levin she was as easy to recognize in that crowd as a rose among nettles.
After only just reading for half a minute, Junmyeon can already feel a tugging in his chest. He never knew reading with someone can be so distracting to take his attention away from a book. He decides to steal a glance at Lu Han.
Everything was lit up by her. She was the smile that brightened everything around. ‘Can I really step down there on the ice and go over to her?’ he thought. The place where she stood seemed to him unapproachably holy, and there was a moment when he almost went away - he was so filled with awe.
A strong urge to look at Lu Han again abruptly erupted out of Junmyeon’s mind. He tries to stop it, tries to reason to himself that staring at people is rude; but like a moth to a flame, he lets himself be pulled to his carnal desires, even if it might bring him his own destruction. Carefully, he peeps above his book.
Making an effort, he reasoned that all sorts of people were walking near her and that he might have come to skate there himself. He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.
Another round of battle ensues inside him. It didn’t even last long before he decides that he will just indulge himself, even just for today.
He lifts his eyes, only to find Lu Han already staring at him.
He’s so shocked and startled and thunderstruck that he jerks his leg upward and bangs his knee on the hard wood. He crouches behind the book, hissing in pain.
“Are you okay?” he hears Lu Han ask in the background.
Junmyeon peeks over the edge and sees Lu Han’s concerned look for him. He tries to save what little dignity he has and tries to play it cool like his knee doesn’t feel like it’s cracking open with fire spewing out.
“Me?? Pshh. Yeah…” Junmyeon snorts.
Lu Han stares at him, challenging him to validate his statement; he, on the other hand, remains stubborn and keeps a stoic face. Motion seems suspended as neither of them moved, each set on beating the other. As time passed by and the silliness of their actions hung palpably in the air, they suddenly burst out laughing. An onslaught of shushes resonates throughout the room, making them hang their heads in embarrassment. Silence once again permeates through the library, though occasionally broken by the small fits of giggles coming from them.
`•.¸.•´
Achromatic hues have always filled Junmyeon’s life. Black letters scattered all over white paper; pristine page written over with dark ink. It’s a constant scene of pallid colours and gray shadows.
But somehow, somewhere a small ray of sun has found its way into the deep crevice that is his world. At first it was only a humble streak of yellow, until it slowly became ablaze with more shades. Different flecks gradually unravelled itself through a vivid rainbow of purple with tints of pink and blue. Eventually in its full bloom a tinge of orange-red warmth envelops him fully.
But the vibrant colours that he truly treasures are the ones that he can’t simply define as basic as red or green or violet for they have set their own special tinctures of colour. The alabaster skin of crinkles by Lu Han’s eyes remind Junmyeon of the creases in the papers of his favourite novels, roughened by his re-reading them because he can never get enough of it; Lu Han’s hazel brown hair rivals that of the brown pages of the oldest editions in the library, temptingly delicate to touch.
As he welcomes the bright change of chromaticity in his life, he also accepts the fact that maybe, perhaps he might possibly be falling in love with Lu Han.
`•.¸.•´
Surprisingly it seems that the admission of his feelings to himself has made him feel lighter and perkier than usual. For some reason the world around him also looks a bit… livelier? Of course a place - much less a university as big as theirs - can’t change overnight; but there’s still something very different about the way the sun shines radiantly with just the perfect amount of warm to relax outside, or the sounds of birds chirping harmoniously with nature, or just the general buzz of fun and excitement that hangs in the air as friends sit together around the quad to enjoy the sun that puts him into a great mood.
Junmyeon enjoys the merry atmosphere and takes a deep breath as if to suck all the good vibes around him. As he looks around, his eyes catch Lu Han talking animatedly with his friends at the far left side of the quad and he almost chokes on the air he just inhaled. An overwhelming wave of giddiness and excitement washes over him that leaves him breathless. Before he knew it, he’s already tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to Lu Han. A huge grin plastered across his face.
He sees Lu Han more clearly already as he gets closer.
He’s taking longer strides now. Ugh, why aren’t my legs longer
Lu Han suddenly laughs over something his friends tell him and shortly turns to the guy standing next to him.
Maybe Lu Han can see him now. Just a few more steps…
and then suddenly, his heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces.
He comes to an abrupt stop. He watches - painfully - as Lu Han swings his arm over the guy next to him and pulls him very closely that there are no spaces left between them. The pain he feels inside is almost physical it nearly debilitates him.
STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID
Unable to look any longer, he turns and walks away.
And for some reason the world around him starts to look a bit gloomier. Of course their university can’t change in short order; but there’s something very different about the way the sun shines blindingly that he squints his eyes just to see, or the noise of fowls flying overhead threatening everybody with bird poo, or just the general racket of rambunctious crowd and overpowering voices that drives him melancholic and vexed at the same time.
`•.¸.•´
Junmyeon plays a game of hide-and-seek with Lu Han - without his knowledge - in the library.
Lu Han comes and looks for him almost every day, but rows upon rows of bookshelves make a good platform for ducking and hiding from someone.
Needless to say, Junmyeon comes out the winner. Every single time.
`•.¸.•´
Sighing heavily, Junmyeon lugs the heavy book cart around the library and tries to return all the collections to their proper shelves. The wheels squeak in defiance every time he manoeuvres it to basically any direction but he honestly doesn’t mind as it keeps him preoccupied.
He pulls a random spine from the cart accidentally causing the other texts to topple over, sending an unfortunate book crashing on to the floor. He immediately picks it up, checking its front cover for any damage. Fortunately there aren’t any visible alterations; nevertheless the historical lady on the cover seems to be throwing him a judging look though. Or maybe he’s just imagining it because of guilt.
However, the back cover doesn’t appear very lucky though. The pages closest to it are all bent on its borders. Junmyeon tries to rectify the folds as gently as he can while he mutters an apology to every page. At the very end, he discovers the borrower’s card crumpled on its edges. As he starts to smoothen it, he stills for a moment as a familiar name catches his eyes.
Lu Han has borrowed this book and by the looks of the date… just recently.
As Junmyeon finally comes out of shock, he realizes that the card still wasn’t fully smoothed out. He takes it out of its pocket and that’s when he sees the scribbles at the back.
I haven’t seen you in a while. A star has collapsed in my heart that an empty hole has sprung and has kept on expanding every moment that I miss you.
Though my previous letters have been left unanswered, I hope you respond even just to this one.
Junmyeon please tell me… have I done something wrong?
Sincerely,
Lu Han
Junmyeon remains in a daze; shock is an understatement of what he feels. He rereads and rereads the message.
my previous letters have been left unanswered
previous letters
Suddenly it hits him. He quickly bolts to the librarian’s desk and rapidly rummages for Lu Han’s file, uncaring even if he makes a mess he’d surely still be the one to clean it later.
As soon as he has the file in his hands, he swiftly runs through all the bookcases and retrieves all the books Lu Han’s ever borrowed.
Adrenaline gives him the surge of strength but hope pushes him to move and keep going, hope that his feelings might not be so unrequited after all.
When he finally collects all the borrower’s cards, he sinks to the ground, out of breath, his heart beating wildly in his ribcage. As he tries to calm himself down, he starts to read all of it in order.
Hello.
I know this might seem a bit weird, writing a message to you here, however the other day I came here in the library to borrow a book yet somehow in a strange but delightful turn of events I met you instead.
I hope that this isn’t some cruel joke that fate has sent upon me that I’m to be tormented by your existence and never know you.
I glanced at your nameplate (I hope you didn’t mind by the way?) and found out your name’s Junmyeon. Mine’s Lu Han by the way (I think you already know that?). I hope we get the chance to talk more.
With hope,
Lu Han
-
I told you I wanted to feel love as beautiful as how Neruda wrote and described it.
I wasn’t being completely honest.
Yes, I wanted to feel love as beautiful as that, but…
only if it’s with you.
Truly,
Lu Han
-
I think I have found the book that exactly describes how I feel about you.
Have you heard about Edmond Rostand and his works?
I deeply empathize with one of his characters, Hercule Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac, in that I feel that you are an angel from heaven and that I am merely a lowly mortal unworthy of you.
I hope someday you read the book so that you may see yourself through my eyes.
Eternal,
Lu Han
-
So many things I long to tell you, but in your presence I am robbed of speech that I always lose my words along the path of my tongue.
Please know that despite the fact that we talked very little, I could always hear your thoughts.
I just hope that you heard mine as well.
With affection,
Lu Han
Knees buckling beneath him, Junmyeon sinks to the floor and breathes deeply. He trembles as wave upon wave of emotions rack through him.
After he’s ultimately steady, one clear thought rings loud and clear in his head.
Lu Han likes him too!
Junmyeon springs from his seat on the floor and dashes away to the dorms. There’s a thunderous commotion loud in his chest - but it’s the good kind. Every inch of his body zings with energy and excitement.
He keeps on running until he gets to the main lobby of the dorms where he immediately asks where Lu Han’s room is. As soon as he hears the place, he sprints once again to the specified room not even bothering to take a short breather.
When he finally gets there, he’s already out of breath and his face is flushed from exhaustion. There are beads of sweat pooling on his forehead, he’s sure he looks like a mess but he doesn’t care, he knocks on the door.
The moment Lu Han opens the door Junmyeon literally throws himself at him, throwing his arms around Lu Han’s neck and crashes his own lips on the other boy’s. Lu Han stumbles backward for a moment, losing his footing. For some reason, he remains frozen for too long that for a moment Junmyeon wonders if he has been too late already or if he might have just imagined all those letters for him behind the books, but as Lu Han recovers from shock he finally responds and deepens the kiss. He places both his hands on the curve of Junmyeon’s back and slips his tongue between Junmyeon’s lips.
As they both break away, Junmyeon eventually notices another person at the other end of the room staring at them with a shocked look on their face. It was the guy that Junmyeon saw at the quad with Lu Han, but before he can say anything the guy’s face lit up and his mouth forms into a big ‘O’.
“You must be Junmyeon?” the guy says, breaking the silence.
Shocked, Junmyeon just raised his eyebrows. He feels Lu Han slightly shift to turn to the guy.
“Oh thank God. You’re finally together right? Gosh, Lu Han can’t stop talking about you. I thought my ears are about to explo-”
Out of nowhere, a huge pillow lands heavily on his face.
“GET OUT!!!” Lu Han bellows, his face red from clear embarrassment.
“Okay, okay! Jeez, even after all the times I listened to you mope around, this is all the treatment I get??” he pouts indignantly. “Just don’t forget to put a sock on the door, ‘kay? I don’t want to walk in on you-”
“BAEKHYUN!!”
“Jezzuz, hyung, stop shouting. I’m leaving already,” Baekhyun huffs, already halfway out the door.
As an awkward silence settles in the room, Lu Han turns to him, “Don’t listen to him. My roommate’s insane.”
Junmyeon just chuckles, a warm glow spreading through him.
As Lu Han pulls him close, Junmyeon gazes up into the taller boy’s eyes and sighs contentedly. He feels so strangely at home and secure as strong arms embrace around him.
Lu Han places his forehead above his brows and whispers, “So… where were we?”
As warm soft lips tenderly meet his, he can’t help but smile in to the kiss.
`•.¸.•´
*Excerpt is from the book Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Author: mydeerest_luhan
Title: Words Never Spoken (but so Much Was Said)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Junmyeon/Luhan
Word count: 3604
Summary: Surrounded by stories surreal and sublime, Junmyeon meets a boy in the library once upon a time.
A/N: First of all, I want to thank the mods for this wonderful exchange and for their patience! :D Also, I want to apologize for finishing my fic so late and causing you trouble T__T Second, I want to thank my recipient for the great prompts. I hope you like this. :) The ending might seem a bit rushed and for that I am really sorry. ):
The title is from the song Love in the Library by Jimmy Buffett. :)
“Maybe it’s the intimacy of hushed voices, or the mingling of public and private spheres, or just the feeling of mysterious possibility that comes from being surrounded by so many books and stories. Let’s face it-there’s something romantic about libraries.”
Sunlight filters through the window, making straight rays towards the continuous row of bookshelves. Dust particles appear seemingly suspended in mid-air as light keeps streaming through the wide glass. Quiet fills the library as students study silently and mill around the shelves wordlessly.
The calm silence is what enticed Junmyeon into being a student assistant in their university library. That, and the thought of being surrounded by books - of being submerged in prose and verse that transports him into different worlds, that makes him see through someone else’s eyes and that lets him experience exciting adventures - that really pulled him into applying for the position.
He sits at the librarian’s desk by the main entrance with stacks of books piled neatly on the corner of the huge counter. Junmyeon sighs silently as he starts to sift through the carefully arranged books. He was deeply immersed in his train of thoughts when a hand suddenly places a book to his left.
A fair copy of We, The Living by Ayn Rand lies in front him. He smiles subtly at the cover welcoming it like an old friend, for he has already read this a couple of weeks ago and needless to say he loved it.
“Do you have a library card?”
“Yes.”
Finally tearing his eyes away from the hardback, Junmyeon looks up to a pair of twinkling eyes looming above him. He sits mesmerized as the familiar feeling of his soul leaving his body and watching the event unfold through abstract eyes that he only ever felt from reading books overtook him.
It all happened in an instant, already whipping past the current of time, but Junmyeon knows that somehow that single moment would forever be embossed in his memory.
As the guy shuffles through his backpack looking for the library card, Junmyeon steals a glance at him. He is breathtakingly beautiful, befitting the description of a prince.
A paper being placed in front of him brings him out of his reverie. He stamps the date and watches as the guy writes down his name on the borrower list.
Lu Han
The name resonates through his head, rolling around the cavities in his brain and down into the chambers of his heart.
Lu Han collects the book and hoists his bag over his shoulder. For a brief moment, he looks over Junmyeon’s nameplate by his chest, visibly reading the characters, Junmyeon hears a heknowsmyname!heknowsmyname!heknowsmyname! jabbering in his head while Lu Han mutely strolls towards the exit.
Just as he was about to give up hopes of being noticed, Lu Han pauses by the door and turns around to face him. The sunlight is nearly blinding behind Lu Han’s frame, bedimming Lu Han’s face into a penumbral outline.
Despite the shadowy contours of his face, Junmyeon still sees the upward tug of Lu Han’s lips. Like the drops of sun in winter, Lu Han’s smile brought a sudden inexplicable warmth in him.
`•.¸.•´
Junmyeon shifts in his seat once again trying to find a comfortable position. A mixture of nervousness and excitement fills him that he feels like a drum set has taken residence inside him, loudly banging into his chest.
Junmyeon can only think of one reason why he feels the way he does right now. Lu Han’s book is due today and he will get to see him again. He didn’t plan this, but somehow he unconsciously commits it to memory, mentally marks down the days to when he catches a glimpse of the beautiful guy again.
He decides to read a book to hopefully ease his nerves, to provide him the escape from reality for a while. But for the first time, even that doesn’t seem to help.
“By night, Love, tie your heart to mine and the two together in their sleep will defeat the darkness.”
Junmyeon snaps his head towards the direction of the voice, his eyes widening in shock.
It’s him. Lu Han.
“That’s my favourite line in the book,” he explains.
Junmyeon looks at the book he’s holding in his hands, momentarily forgetting he even had it at all.
Cien Sonetos de Amor. In his unfocused state of mind, he must not have even noticed what book he was supposedly reading.
“The first time I read Pablo Neruda, my heart ached in the best way,” Lu Han continues, smiling slightly.
Junmyeon wanted to say something witty or smart or even sympathetic, but instead his jaw merely slackened from his head.
“My name’s Lu Han and I want to return this book.”
“I know.”
The words tumble out of Junmyeon’s mouth before he even had the chance to regret them in his head.
“Uh, I mean, library card,” Junmyeon says awkwardly.
The cacophony of percussion instruments continues to reverberate in his chest, simultaneous with the loud beating of his heart. Amidst the noise, Junmyeon tries to make a coherent thought to strike a conversation and to hopefully amend his prior clumsiness.
“N-Neruda was somewhat an experient on love. He was an ardent lover of women, he had three wives and countless flames,” Junmyeon states.
Lu Han chuckles, his eyes stretching into crescents forming seams at the corners.
“To have spoken these words so splendidly put together about someone…” Lu Han trails off thoughtfully at the end.
As Junmyeon places Lu Han’s book on the returned books section, Lu Han stares seriously into his eyes, but what Lu Han said next leaves him blushing furiously.
“I want to feel love that beautiful.”
`•.¸.•´
Fingers caress over dark ink and flimsy paper, gentle touches reminiscent of an artist admiring their perfected creation. Junmyeon reads concentratedly, lips moving minutely to susurrate words into the air.
Suddenly raucous laughter breaks through the tranquil atmosphere. Without hesitation, Junmyeon turns to the guilty table and shushes them immediately, adding in a judging contemptuous glare just for extra measure. Though he is off-duty right now, his inner disciplinarian can be awoken when he is interrupted from his peaceful reading.
As the laughter begins to subside, he makes a move to resume his reading but before he can even read another word off the page he sees Lu Han approaching his table instead.
“Is this seat taken?” Lu Han asks gently, clutching the back of the chair in front of him.
A thousand thoughts come speeding through his mind, his body has tensed from nervousness that he merely shook his head in response.
As Lu Han occupies the seat parallel his, he becomes hyper aware of his surroundings all at once. The elongated shadows of the window frames casting over the floor; the smell of ink and paper and leather and caramel and dust and sunlight wonderfully wafting together in the air; the euphony of friction between pages being turned and of books being opened and closed.
Junmyeon tries to turn his attention back to the book in front of him.
He knew she was there by the joy and fear that overwhelmed his heart. She stood at the other end of the rink, talking to a lady. There seemed to be nothing very special in her dress, nor in her pose; but for Levin she was as easy to recognize in that crowd as a rose among nettles.
After only just reading for half a minute, Junmyeon can already feel a tugging in his chest. He never knew reading with someone can be so distracting to take his attention away from a book. He decides to steal a glance at Lu Han.
Everything was lit up by her. She was the smile that brightened everything around. ‘Can I really step down there on the ice and go over to her?’ he thought. The place where she stood seemed to him unapproachably holy, and there was a moment when he almost went away - he was so filled with awe.
A strong urge to look at Lu Han again abruptly erupted out of Junmyeon’s mind. He tries to stop it, tries to reason to himself that staring at people is rude; but like a moth to a flame, he lets himself be pulled to his carnal desires, even if it might bring him his own destruction. Carefully, he peeps above his book.
Making an effort, he reasoned that all sorts of people were walking near her and that he might have come to skate there himself. He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.
Another round of battle ensues inside him. It didn’t even last long before he decides that he will just indulge himself, even just for today.
He lifts his eyes, only to find Lu Han already staring at him.
He’s so shocked and startled and thunderstruck that he jerks his leg upward and bangs his knee on the hard wood. He crouches behind the book, hissing in pain.
“Are you okay?” he hears Lu Han ask in the background.
Junmyeon peeks over the edge and sees Lu Han’s concerned look for him. He tries to save what little dignity he has and tries to play it cool like his knee doesn’t feel like it’s cracking open with fire spewing out.
“Me?? Pshh. Yeah…” Junmyeon snorts.
Lu Han stares at him, challenging him to validate his statement; he, on the other hand, remains stubborn and keeps a stoic face. Motion seems suspended as neither of them moved, each set on beating the other. As time passed by and the silliness of their actions hung palpably in the air, they suddenly burst out laughing. An onslaught of shushes resonates throughout the room, making them hang their heads in embarrassment. Silence once again permeates through the library, though occasionally broken by the small fits of giggles coming from them.
`•.¸.•´
Achromatic hues have always filled Junmyeon’s life. Black letters scattered all over white paper; pristine page written over with dark ink. It’s a constant scene of pallid colours and gray shadows.
But somehow, somewhere a small ray of sun has found its way into the deep crevice that is his world. At first it was only a humble streak of yellow, until it slowly became ablaze with more shades. Different flecks gradually unravelled itself through a vivid rainbow of purple with tints of pink and blue. Eventually in its full bloom a tinge of orange-red warmth envelops him fully.
But the vibrant colours that he truly treasures are the ones that he can’t simply define as basic as red or green or violet for they have set their own special tinctures of colour. The alabaster skin of crinkles by Lu Han’s eyes remind Junmyeon of the creases in the papers of his favourite novels, roughened by his re-reading them because he can never get enough of it; Lu Han’s hazel brown hair rivals that of the brown pages of the oldest editions in the library, temptingly delicate to touch.
As he welcomes the bright change of chromaticity in his life, he also accepts the fact that maybe, perhaps he might possibly be falling in love with Lu Han.
`•.¸.•´
Surprisingly it seems that the admission of his feelings to himself has made him feel lighter and perkier than usual. For some reason the world around him also looks a bit… livelier? Of course a place - much less a university as big as theirs - can’t change overnight; but there’s still something very different about the way the sun shines radiantly with just the perfect amount of warm to relax outside, or the sounds of birds chirping harmoniously with nature, or just the general buzz of fun and excitement that hangs in the air as friends sit together around the quad to enjoy the sun that puts him into a great mood.
Junmyeon enjoys the merry atmosphere and takes a deep breath as if to suck all the good vibes around him. As he looks around, his eyes catch Lu Han talking animatedly with his friends at the far left side of the quad and he almost chokes on the air he just inhaled. An overwhelming wave of giddiness and excitement washes over him that leaves him breathless. Before he knew it, he’s already tripping over his own feet in his haste to get to Lu Han. A huge grin plastered across his face.
He sees Lu Han more clearly already as he gets closer.
He’s taking longer strides now. Ugh, why aren’t my legs longer
Lu Han suddenly laughs over something his friends tell him and shortly turns to the guy standing next to him.
Maybe Lu Han can see him now. Just a few more steps…
and then suddenly, his heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces.
He comes to an abrupt stop. He watches - painfully - as Lu Han swings his arm over the guy next to him and pulls him very closely that there are no spaces left between them. The pain he feels inside is almost physical it nearly debilitates him.
STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID
Unable to look any longer, he turns and walks away.
And for some reason the world around him starts to look a bit gloomier. Of course their university can’t change in short order; but there’s something very different about the way the sun shines blindingly that he squints his eyes just to see, or the noise of fowls flying overhead threatening everybody with bird poo, or just the general racket of rambunctious crowd and overpowering voices that drives him melancholic and vexed at the same time.
`•.¸.•´
Junmyeon plays a game of hide-and-seek with Lu Han - without his knowledge - in the library.
Lu Han comes and looks for him almost every day, but rows upon rows of bookshelves make a good platform for ducking and hiding from someone.
Needless to say, Junmyeon comes out the winner. Every single time.
`•.¸.•´
Sighing heavily, Junmyeon lugs the heavy book cart around the library and tries to return all the collections to their proper shelves. The wheels squeak in defiance every time he manoeuvres it to basically any direction but he honestly doesn’t mind as it keeps him preoccupied.
He pulls a random spine from the cart accidentally causing the other texts to topple over, sending an unfortunate book crashing on to the floor. He immediately picks it up, checking its front cover for any damage. Fortunately there aren’t any visible alterations; nevertheless the historical lady on the cover seems to be throwing him a judging look though. Or maybe he’s just imagining it because of guilt.
However, the back cover doesn’t appear very lucky though. The pages closest to it are all bent on its borders. Junmyeon tries to rectify the folds as gently as he can while he mutters an apology to every page. At the very end, he discovers the borrower’s card crumpled on its edges. As he starts to smoothen it, he stills for a moment as a familiar name catches his eyes.
Lu Han has borrowed this book and by the looks of the date… just recently.
As Junmyeon finally comes out of shock, he realizes that the card still wasn’t fully smoothed out. He takes it out of its pocket and that’s when he sees the scribbles at the back.
I haven’t seen you in a while. A star has collapsed in my heart that an empty hole has sprung and has kept on expanding every moment that I miss you.
Though my previous letters have been left unanswered, I hope you respond even just to this one.
Junmyeon please tell me… have I done something wrong?
Sincerely,
Lu Han
Junmyeon remains in a daze; shock is an understatement of what he feels. He rereads and rereads the message.
my previous letters have been left unanswered
previous letters
Suddenly it hits him. He quickly bolts to the librarian’s desk and rapidly rummages for Lu Han’s file, uncaring even if he makes a mess he’d surely still be the one to clean it later.
As soon as he has the file in his hands, he swiftly runs through all the bookcases and retrieves all the books Lu Han’s ever borrowed.
Adrenaline gives him the surge of strength but hope pushes him to move and keep going, hope that his feelings might not be so unrequited after all.
When he finally collects all the borrower’s cards, he sinks to the ground, out of breath, his heart beating wildly in his ribcage. As he tries to calm himself down, he starts to read all of it in order.
Hello.
I know this might seem a bit weird, writing a message to you here, however the other day I came here in the library to borrow a book yet somehow in a strange but delightful turn of events I met you instead.
I hope that this isn’t some cruel joke that fate has sent upon me that I’m to be tormented by your existence and never know you.
I glanced at your nameplate (I hope you didn’t mind by the way?) and found out your name’s Junmyeon. Mine’s Lu Han by the way (I think you already know that?). I hope we get the chance to talk more.
With hope,
Lu Han
-
I told you I wanted to feel love as beautiful as how Neruda wrote and described it.
I wasn’t being completely honest.
Yes, I wanted to feel love as beautiful as that, but…
only if it’s with you.
Truly,
Lu Han
-
I think I have found the book that exactly describes how I feel about you.
Have you heard about Edmond Rostand and his works?
I deeply empathize with one of his characters, Hercule Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac, in that I feel that you are an angel from heaven and that I am merely a lowly mortal unworthy of you.
I hope someday you read the book so that you may see yourself through my eyes.
Eternal,
Lu Han
-
So many things I long to tell you, but in your presence I am robbed of speech that I always lose my words along the path of my tongue.
Please know that despite the fact that we talked very little, I could always hear your thoughts.
I just hope that you heard mine as well.
With affection,
Lu Han
Knees buckling beneath him, Junmyeon sinks to the floor and breathes deeply. He trembles as wave upon wave of emotions rack through him.
After he’s ultimately steady, one clear thought rings loud and clear in his head.
Lu Han likes him too!
Junmyeon springs from his seat on the floor and dashes away to the dorms. There’s a thunderous commotion loud in his chest - but it’s the good kind. Every inch of his body zings with energy and excitement.
He keeps on running until he gets to the main lobby of the dorms where he immediately asks where Lu Han’s room is. As soon as he hears the place, he sprints once again to the specified room not even bothering to take a short breather.
When he finally gets there, he’s already out of breath and his face is flushed from exhaustion. There are beads of sweat pooling on his forehead, he’s sure he looks like a mess but he doesn’t care, he knocks on the door.
The moment Lu Han opens the door Junmyeon literally throws himself at him, throwing his arms around Lu Han’s neck and crashes his own lips on the other boy’s. Lu Han stumbles backward for a moment, losing his footing. For some reason, he remains frozen for too long that for a moment Junmyeon wonders if he has been too late already or if he might have just imagined all those letters for him behind the books, but as Lu Han recovers from shock he finally responds and deepens the kiss. He places both his hands on the curve of Junmyeon’s back and slips his tongue between Junmyeon’s lips.
As they both break away, Junmyeon eventually notices another person at the other end of the room staring at them with a shocked look on their face. It was the guy that Junmyeon saw at the quad with Lu Han, but before he can say anything the guy’s face lit up and his mouth forms into a big ‘O’.
“You must be Junmyeon?” the guy says, breaking the silence.
Shocked, Junmyeon just raised his eyebrows. He feels Lu Han slightly shift to turn to the guy.
“Oh thank God. You’re finally together right? Gosh, Lu Han can’t stop talking about you. I thought my ears are about to explo-”
Out of nowhere, a huge pillow lands heavily on his face.
“GET OUT!!!” Lu Han bellows, his face red from clear embarrassment.
“Okay, okay! Jeez, even after all the times I listened to you mope around, this is all the treatment I get??” he pouts indignantly. “Just don’t forget to put a sock on the door, ‘kay? I don’t want to walk in on you-”
“BAEKHYUN!!”
“Jezzuz, hyung, stop shouting. I’m leaving already,” Baekhyun huffs, already halfway out the door.
As an awkward silence settles in the room, Lu Han turns to him, “Don’t listen to him. My roommate’s insane.”
Junmyeon just chuckles, a warm glow spreading through him.
As Lu Han pulls him close, Junmyeon gazes up into the taller boy’s eyes and sighs contentedly. He feels so strangely at home and secure as strong arms embrace around him.
Lu Han places his forehead above his brows and whispers, “So… where were we?”
As warm soft lips tenderly meet his, he can’t help but smile in to the kiss.
`•.¸.•´
*Excerpt is from the book Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy